Move In/ How to know when its "the one"

[sunnydaysahead123]

been dating someone for a year and a half. she is in late 20's, i'm early 30s. she has a lot of the qualities i'm looking for in a wife but has some drawbacks, a few that could be potential show stoppers. however, we love each other, enjoy each others company, etc...

 

she wants to move in together to take the next step and feels strongly we were meant to be together forever. shes not pushing or expecting an engagement (we've discussed these things) but wants a "partner" she can live with and grow with.

 

many days i think that maybe she is the one and moving in w/ her is the logical step to see whether we'll work long term. othertimes i feel hesitant and worry if we are right for each other. i sometimes also think maybe i should be with someone who has quality a or b that is missing from my gf. then i think that i'm being irrational and that having someone meet say 7 out of 10 criteria should make me grateful to be as lucky as i am to have her.

 

are these normal thoughts or would someone moving in already know for sure they want to be w/ that person forever? a lot of people tell me that i should instinctively know but it just doesn't seem that easy when there is a lot of different thoughts i get. she wants an answer in the next day or two and i've done lots of soul searching and pros/cons but still struggling with what to do.

 

any thoughts are appreciated and i'll provide any answers to questions that would help.

 

thanks very much.

 

sincerely trying to do whats best for both me and my gf.

[lab_brat]

Can you clarify what criteria you're looking for that your girlfriend is missing? It's hard to tell whether you mean things like - she doesn't want kids and you do? or you guys have different taste in movies? or she doesnt cook? or you have different religious leanings etc?

[that girl]

7 out of 10 charecteristics could be great or it could be terrible depending on what the 10 are.

 

Do you miss her when she is gone?

 

Are you (mostly) happier with her than without her?

 

If she broke up with you, might you feel like you lost the one?

 

When it comes to the marriage thing, are you sure you're on the same page about when that might happen and how living together related.

[OceanTropic]

There is no such thing as "the one" or "forever". The only way you will know is to just do it. It's not like you're giving your kidneys, its just moving in. If it doesn't work out, then move back out, simple. You won't know until you try.

 

If you're having so many doubts about moving in together, then don't do it. I would move in with my bf in two seconds, and none of these thoughts ever crossed my mind, and they shouldn't.

 

If there is doubt, then you aren't sure. This applies to everything in life.

[sunnydaysahead123]

Here are some responses...

Can you clarify what criteria you're looking for that your girlfriend is missing? It's hard to tell whether you mean things like - she doesn't want kids and you do? or you guys have different taste in movies? or she doesnt cook? or you have different religious leanings etc?

 

this is going to sound shallow but i'm just being honest - i've always had a thing for blonds. i always thought i'd marry a blond. my gf right now is not a blond. i still turn my head to look at blonds - i don't act but sometimes i wonder - will this attraction ever fade... when does it stop? or am i not ready?

 

she is bad w/ money in general. she doesnt make much, which is ok but i'm a saver, she tends towards being more of a person that puts life experiences first and worries about savings later. this puts a strain on decisions we have to make re: how to spend money and may only get worse later but she's been willing to talk about it and she feels like she could yeild some of the decision making here but i worry - at what price to her and my happiness?

 

Do you miss her when she is gone?

 

Yes, I do at times but i usually i enjoy the time away and relish having some time off from seeing each other. I've always been like this - i just enjoy breaks from the same people. I know it sounds bad, but it seems to be something in my DNA... or is this just not what others who marry ever feel like???

 

Are you (mostly) happier with her than without her?

 

Yes, mostly happier with her but per above i like also having some time alone.

 

If she broke up with you, might you feel like you lost the one?

 

I think i would feel very hurt if she did. I felt this way about my ex but looking back was able to see we weren't right. I worry very much that perhaps i would be losing "the one" in this case but don't really know how i'd feel a few months or years out - does anyone?

 

 

When it comes to the marriage thing, are you sure you're on the same page about when that might happen and how living together related.

 

Yes, we both have talked about what we'd want out of cohabitation and how its not necessarily a ticket to marriage - but we are acknowleding its a step towards that. I don't want to be an a-hole and move in when i shouldn't be which is why i've put some much time thinking about this and posting here. We seem to be in line re: kids and other things that we'd want out of a marriage.

 

Thanks for the responses... please keep em coming.

[make me believe]

There is no such thing as "the one" or "forever". The only way you will know is to just do it. It's not like you're giving your kidneys, its just moving in. If it doesn't work out, then move back out, simple. You won't know until you try.

 

I agree with the first part of your post, that there is no such thing as "the one" but I strongly disagree that it's just moving in & it's simple to move out if things don't go well. I think that moving in when you're not absolutely SURE it's what you want is a terrible idea. Once you live together, it becomes so much harder to end the relationship if it goes badly. It just complicates everything so much more.

 

To the OP, I think if you are having doubts you should not move in with your girlfriend. After a year and a half and at your ages, you wouldn't be hesitating so much if it was the right thing to do. It would help to know what qualities you feel are missing in her, though. You said a few could be show stoppers, so that is definitely something to look at closely before you make any further commitments to her.

[make me believe]

Hey, we posted at the same time. After reading your second post, I don't really get the sense that moving in with your girlfriend would be a good decision. The money thing is HUGE. Money can cause a lot of problems in a relationship if you're not on the same page. It's good that she talks about it with you, but that doesn't change her fundamental attitude/habits regarding money.

 

Have you ever lived with a girlfriend before? It sounds like maybe cohabitating is just not for you? My boyfriend and I are moving in together in a couple of months and I have absolutely NO doubt that it's what I want to do. I feel like if you're not jumping into this situation with both feet, and excited about what's happening, then maybe you shouldn't do it.

[norajane]

this is going to sound shallow but i'm just being honest - i've always had a thing for blonds. i always thought i'd marry a blond. my gf right now is not a blond. i still turn my head to look at blonds - i don't act but sometimes i wonder - will this attraction ever fade... when does it stop? or am i not ready?

 

No, you are not ready to move in and make a deeper commitment to this relationship. I say that because this is a shallow item, and yet it is important enough to you that you are really thinking about it and concerned over it.

 

You will probably always be attracted to blondes, but if you were head over heels with your gf, this would not bother you in the least. It really wouldn't. Not to the point it does bother you.

 

she is bad w/ money in general. she doesnt make much, which is ok but i'm a saver, she tends towards being more of a person that puts life experiences first and worries about savings later. this puts a strain on decisions we have to make re: how to spend money and may only get worse later but she's been willing to talk about it and she feels like she could yeild some of the decision making here but i worry - at what price to her and my happiness?

 

Money really is a BIG issue, and is one of the major things that married people fight about. Both of you have to be really able to discuss and understand each other and compromise and learn from each other and really look at the big picture in order for this issue to be resolved. It will always be there between you, but it can be dealt with, if you both have maturity.

 

For example, you say she likes to put life experiences first and worry about money later. Might you be the kind of person who could benefit from loosening the savings habit enough to use the money you are making to enjoy some life experiences? It's great to have money, but if you don't use it for some pleasure, perhaps that money is just piling up for a future you won't enjoy since you won't spend it.

 

You say that you are a saver...are you implying she doesn't save and doesn't have a good income? If she does have a good income, and she does save some money but also likes to use her money for life experiences, it may ultimately not be harmful to her finances.

 

Or perhaps she can learn from you the value of budgeting and saving and how that can help to enjoy those life experiences even more because you've first saved for the event.

 

You can teach her to be more financially secure, and she can teach you to let go a little and use your money for living life. Or you can fight like cats and dogs about it and learn to resent each other. That's an open question for you both to resolve.

 

Do you miss her when she is gone?

 

Yes, I do at times but i usually i enjoy the time away and relish having some time off from seeing each other. I've always been like this - i just enjoy breaks from the same people. I know it sounds bad, but it seems to be something in my DNA... or is this just not what others who marry ever feel like???

 

Are you (mostly) happier with her than without her?

 

Yes, mostly happier with her but per above i like also having some time alone.

 

The worst thing you can do is move in together into a small apartment where you do not have your own space to retreat into.

 

If she is the kind of person who has lots of friends, lots of activities she is involved in, you will do better living together because you will get that alone time you need. But if she is a homebody, you will suffer unless you have a room of your own where you can close the door and she accepts and understands that is your alone time that you cannot do without.

 

When it comes to the marriage thing, are you sure you're on the same page about when that might happen and how living together related.

 

Yes, we both have talked about what we'd want out of cohabitation and how its not necessarily a ticket to marriage - but we are acknowleding its a step towards that. I don't want to be an a-hole and move in when i shouldn't be which is why i've put some much time thinking about this and posting here. We seem to be in line re: kids and other things that we'd want out of a marriage.

 

Thanks for the responses... please keep em coming.

 

If you aren't excited, enthusiastic, or at least happy about moving in, then you shouldn't. The only thing that will happen is living together will lead to a break-up if you aren't looking forward to the prospect of creating a home together.

[sunnydaysahead123]

There is no such thing as "the one" or "forever". The only way you will know is to just do it. It's not like you're giving your kidneys, its just moving in. If it doesn't work out, then move back out, simple. You won't know until you try.

This is what I struggle with. I feel like maybe I should just DO IT and not struggle so much -- I struggle w/ ALL decisions so it might be that my personality and being like this is holding me back.

 

If you're having so many doubts about moving in together, then don't do it. I would move in with my bf in two seconds, and none of these thoughts ever crossed my mind, and they shouldn't.

 

If there is doubt, then you aren't sure. This applies to everything in life.

 

But isn't there always doubt? Am I overthinking this?

[sunnydaysahead123]

You will probably always be attracted to blondes, but if you were head over heels with your gf, this would not bother you in the least. It really wouldn't. Not to the point it does bother you.

 

But is this reality? I love her, we seem to be good together, and we are best friends. Are people really head over heals in love with each other? Seems like most married people I know are best friends and partners but don't you both just accept that this is the one you are with and tune out any distractions about the thoughts or fantasies of being with someone else?

[norajane]

You will probably always be attracted to blondes, but if you were head over heels with your gf, this would not bother you in the least. It really wouldn't. Not to the point it does bother you.

 

But is this reality? I love her, we seem to be good together, and we are best friends. Are people really head over heals in love with each other? Seems like most married people I know are best friends and partners but don't you both just accept that this is the one you are with and tune out any distractions about the thoughts or fantasies of being with someone else?

 

Yes, exactly - you tune out the blondes. You don't have such regret that you aren't with a blonde to the point you list it as a reason to hesitate in moving in together.

[that girl]

Yes, relationships are not all hearts and flowers. After years together people can settle into more of a friendship than a red hot romance. And people do fantasize about other people.

 

You appear to be regularly checking out other women when you are with your girlfriend- red flag.

 

You have only been dating a year and a half but you already see her as more of a friend than someone you are head over heels for- red flag.

 

You're not excited to be with her- red flag.

 

If you split up, you think you'd be sad but decide she probably isn't the one- red flag.

 

You just aren't that into her. It sounds like you really just don't want to make the effort to find someone new (after breaking up with her).

[Crazy Magnet]

If you're having so many doubts about moving in together, then don't do it. I would move in with my bf in two seconds, and none of these thoughts ever crossed my mind, and they shouldn't.

 

If there is doubt, then you aren't sure. This applies to everything in life.

 

But isn't there always doubt? Am I overthinking this?

 

I am moving in with my boyfriend as soon as his house renovations are complete. So anywhere from 2 to 4 weeks from. I have NO doubt in my mind about moving in with him or how compatible we are for the long term.

 

The biggest flag waving in your post, like others have said, is money. If you two aren't on the same page financially it's going to be a long tough road. My BF and I are both adamant savers so it works well. My exH was an adamant spender and we were practically homeless more than once thanks to his carelessness with money. Never. Again.

 

I'm also a little worried that you are so worried about her hair color! "Balding guy" wasn't really on the top of my list of "hot guys to shag" but I'm so in love with my BF I could care less how much hair he has or doesn't have. I don't wonder about our relationship due to his hair.

 

Mostly though the money issues have the potential to drive you both batty.

[sunnydaysahead123]

we took a little break and i have been missing her a lot over the last day or two. in general, i'm finding i am more happy with her than without.

 

i've also realized i've had some commitment fears - giving up going out w/ friends as much, etc... but aren't these normal fears? Do they really indicate i'm not ready or things that everyone just overcomes if its right?

 

thanks for all the responses. the hair color thing is not high on the list of issues. the money thing is and also just the fact that i'm going through a lot of back and forth. if i had the luxury of time (which i don't fully have), i might come around on this since i am usually resistant to change. but b/c i'm being pressured now, it is making me side somewhat w/ the safer choice, which is to do nothing -- althought this obviously has huge risks of its own.

 

someone mentioned above if i was having doubts, i shouldn't move in. i do know i love her but wonder about the long term. is this really enough for me to cut this off now and not move? she isn't forcing me to marry her, she just wants me to move in w/ her. i really WANT to say i have no doubts and can be 100% about this but i'm just not there for whatever reason. she is basically saying move or its over so i don't have much wiggle room here and don't know if a leap of faith is in order. such a hard decision.

 

thanks for any other input.

[Pfiend101]

I agree that there is no such thing as "the one". If you enjoy each others company and love each other thats all that counts in my book. What are the chances that the only one in the world that is for you happens to be in the same state/vicinity as you.

[Ruby Slippers]

You sound a lot like my ex, who fit the description of a commitment phobe. Focusing on something like hair color sounds like you trying to find something to take issue with because you don't want to make the commitment of moving in.

 

It sounds to me like you're not ready and this is not what you really want right now. And if that's the case, I say don't do it, because you're only setting the two of you up for a lot of pain.

 

I think most men these days don't get to the point of being ready for a commitment till around 40. I think that's when it really hits them that they're not getting any younger and they might end up alone long term. Until then, most men seem to want to stay as unencumbered as possible, and keep trading up.

[that girl]

sunnydaysahead123 I want you to think about this- where do you see your life at 35? What about 40?

 

Is she still in your life? Are you married? Do you have kids?

 

You seem really stuck in the right now, like will you end up going out with friends less. That issue is something you should know from being with her and have actually talked about.

[Diezel]

I don't care how much your g/f complains to you about moving in.

 

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HER.

 

Not yet, at least. You are NOT ready and the fact that this thread even exists is a testament to that. You will be doing both of you a huge disservice if you "give in" to her demands of moving in.

 

Will she get upset if you don't move in now? Maybe.

But I'd rather have someone upset at me for that and still carry on with the relationship than to move in and have even worse situations.

 

If you are NOT ready, then you're NOT ready... plain and simple.

And from reading this thread, I can tell, you aren't ready to move in with her. I've learned throughout past experiences that the only time you should ever move in with someone is if there is planned wedding date or if you just proposed and she said yes... which in both cases, already involves marriage in the near future.

[sunnydaysahead123]

deizel -

 

appreciate the feedback. problem here is we break up if i don't move in w/ her. she will be in a different city. she doesn't want to wonder if I'll ever come around to being with her so thats it. she is willing to wait ONLY if i guarantee i'll be moving in by x date.

[that girl]

I think it is time you let this girl go.

 

She wants to move in and has an eye towards the possibility of marriage. All you can think about is how you always thought you'd end up with a blonde.

 

Not only are you stopping her from moving on with her life, you are stopping yourself from finding someone that could be a real partner for you.

[Diezel]

deizel -

 

appreciate the feedback. problem here is we break up if i don't move in w/ her. she will be in a different city. she doesn't want to wonder if I'll ever come around to being with her so thats it. she is willing to wait ONLY if i guarantee i'll be moving in by x date.

 

A deadline?

 

This relationship is flatlining.

First it's "moving in"...

Then it'll be a deadline for "getting married"...

Then it'll be a deadline for "having a baby"...

And finally a deadline for "alimony"...

[BobSacamento]

Get used to hearing this little phrase on a daily basis:

 

"Where are you going?"

[allina]

Do not move in with her, no way! You aren't anywhere near sure enough or in love with her enough for that sort of commitment. I can see that you value her as a person but there just isn't enough desire and commitment to make this a happy, long term relationship. If you move in with her you will likely end up in a situation where 2 years later she is longing for marriage and you make excuses because you cannot bring yourself to propose. It's hard to walk away but she just isn't the one.

[that girl]

A deadline?

 

This relationship is flatlining.

First it's "moving in"...

Then it'll be a deadline for "getting married"...

Then it'll be a deadline for "having a baby"...

And finally a deadline for "alimony"...

 

Ignoring the alimony one, those deadlines are not at all uncommon. Many people, male and female are not happy to date endlessly so they try to work with their partner to find a timeline for increased committment.

 

The problem is that this guy is still on the fence and thinks he would probably be just as happy without her. At his age, it is unlikely he will wake up one day and realize she is the one, so it is probably best they both move on.

[monkey00]

I agree with what the others said about the money issues. If you two have opposing views about how money should be spent or saved, then it will be an issue long-term. Money has always been notorious for destroying relationships, even dividing families.

 

I've been with my gf for about 6 months and we already decided to move in before the year's end. I haven't decided or thought about if I love her yet, but I know I want to be with her and we are together everyday/every other day as it is, so I think it's worth moving forward. We've even randomly talked about kids and marriage also. Some people feel less than a year is too fast, but I think every couple moves at a different pace. And I think some things in life are worth the risk, because you will always be wondering 'what if?' If you want things to move forward in the relationship, the next step should be taken.

 

I actually have a friend who's been with his gf for 3 years, and they've finally decided to move into her apartment this summer. I think it's only natural for them to take it so slow because they've never lived with a SO before and they both are more conservative and had a sheltered upbringing. They both have fears, but I think it will be a good learning experience.

 

Now on the other hand, if you're having doubts because of being unable to commit...then I would strongly advise against moving in. I know people that do this, and it's always ended badly.