Financial Support to OW

[bananalaffytaffy]

What would you consider financial support to an OW/Mistress, and when is it appropriate?

[OWoman]

What would you consider financial support to an OW/Mistress, and when is it appropriate?

 

I would consider it appropriate if their R dynamic allowed, and would not be damaged by, it.

 

For example - a MM who is very well off, helping out an OW who is going through a rough time financially, to lighten her burden so that she doesn't have to take a second / third job to make ends meet, so that they can relax and enjoy their time together instead of worrying constantly about money.

 

Or, an OW who is making ends meet but doesn't have spare cash for luxuries, being treated to something luxurious (an overseas trip, a shopping spree for new shoes, etc) as a treat.

 

I don't count something like borrowing her car to nip out for more beer, and filling up the tank on the way back, as "financial support" - that's the kind of gesture friends do for each other all the time when they have the means and the opportunity.

 

I don't consider it appropriate to buy her a new car if she has an adequate one and no need or desire for a new one, or to pay her rent if it's a matter of pride or principle for her to pay her own way, or always to pay for dinner / movies / trips etc if she has the means, unless both are into into the traditional gender-role thing and that's agreed upfront.

[bananalaffytaffy]

And is it ok for marital funds to be used? And are ALL funds earned in a marriage marital funds?

 

My friend has a habit of manipulating people into doing things for her (me included). She received a gift from one of her MM. A quite substantial gift. I'm having trouble with it. If he wants to give her a gift, fine, but I have a feeling he had to have used some of his W's money to do it.

 

It means little to nothing to her. It only means something because it was expensive. She doesn't really even like it. She says if she doesn't keep it, she's either going to try to return it for the money, or pawn it.

[silktricks]

It is not appropriate. It isn't appropriate for a man to be providing money to a woman at all (or vice versa), when dating regardless of whether one is married or both are single. It changes the relationship dynamic and puts one of them into a state of control.

 

I would consider financial support to be giving money. A gift is OK, if it isn't too expensive (too expensive IMO being something in excess of 1 days wages)

[donnamaybe]

You're kidding, right? Are you trying to say these women have no job? More and more the court is moving away from even SPOUSAL support except in the extreme cases where one was a stay-at-home, and they have no work history to speak of.

[lovinmylife]

oh heck no!!! lol. the money coming in is marital assets, and if H is giving it to some other woman, i will be legally seeking my half of what she got. especially when i work too!!??!! oh, no! my lawyer will then be involved lol... just sayin.

[MizFit]

It is not appropriate. It isn't appropriate for a man to be providing money to a woman at all (or vice versa), when dating regardless of whether one is married or both are single. It changes the relationship dynamic and puts one of them into a state of control.

 

I would consider financial support to be giving money. A gift is OK, if it isn't too expensive (too expensive IMO being something in excess of 1 days wages)

 

Fully agreed...

[Ellin]

I would consider it appropriate if their R dynamic allowed, and would not be damaged by, it.

 

For example - a MM who is very well off, helping out an OW who is going through a rough time financially, to lighten her burden so that she doesn't have to take a second / third job to make ends meet, so that they can relax and enjoy their time together instead of worrying constantly about money.

 

Or, an OW who is making ends meet but doesn't have spare cash for luxuries, being treated to something luxurious (an overseas trip, a shopping spree for new shoes, etc) as a treat.

 

I don't count something like borrowing her car to nip out for more beer, and filling up the tank on the way back, as "financial support" - that's the kind of gesture friends do for each other all the time when they have the means and the opportunity.

 

I don't consider it appropriate to buy her a new car if she has an adequate one and no need or desire for a new one, or to pay her rent if it's a matter of pride or principle for her to pay her own way, or always to pay for dinner / movies / trips etc if she has the means, unless both are into into the traditional gender-role thing and that's agreed upfront.

 

I totally agree with the above.

 

I also don't think that is not appropriate for a man to pick up the tab in a romatic R, nor that it has anything to do with control.

[Fallen Angel]

My sweetheart pays for all our "dates".

 

In fact he got quite upset when I ordered and paid for pizza with my debit card before he knew I had done it when I wanted a little nosh. He sees it as his responsibility as a man to pay for everything when we are together. *shrug* Mostly I did it because I was tired and hot and knew he was tired and hot and he would have wanted to get dressed (I was already in my sleep shorts and tank top) and go out to eat had I stated that I was hungry. Pizza hit the spot! (But I found the cash he had apparently put in my purse for it the next day...)

 

He pays my cell phone bill each month.

 

He pays for small incidentals.. things I need him to pick up at the grocery store on his way to me, things I order from my kids school/church fundraisers, Christmas and Birthdays for my kids (I buy what I can, but he always makes for a better stash of presents for them), etc. etc.

 

He occasionally will leave money in my purse if he knows I have a particularly large electric bill, or something of that nature. I have a hard time accepting money from him, so when he gives it to me he usually leaves it in a drawer or in my purse.

 

I have a job, two in fact, but as a single mother who gets no other assistance, no child support etc, my children and I often go with out the little luxuries that make life fun... him providing so that i can treat myself and my kids to a night at the movies, or a trip to the children's museum followed by lunch at our favorite downtown eatery is simply something that a man does when he is in a relationship with a woman... (or is it that he and I are hopelessly stuck in another era?? And have antiquated ideas about the male/female roles in a relationship?)

[donnamaybe]

He occasionally will leave money in my purse if he knows I have a particularly large electric bill, or something of that nature. I have a hard time accepting money from him, so when he gives it to me he usually leaves it in a drawer or in my purse.

 

Oh, wow. That sounds familiar...

 

I would SO not be comfortable with that if I were in that situation.

[donnamaybe]

I totally agree with the above.

 

I also don't think that is not appropriate for a man to pick up the tab in a romatic R, nor that it has anything to do with control.

 

So if it was YOUR H screwing around with some other woman, you'd be just fine n' dandy with him spending all that money on his side piece? Doubt it.

[MizFit]

Oh, wow. That sounds familiar...

 

I would SO not be comfortable with that if I were in that situation.

 

You're right...it does sound familiar. It sounds like every proud daughter whose mother slips her a tenner when she isn't looking...or the proud friend who finds out her bestest left her 20 to help with groceries. It's like a few single guys I've known and dated over the years who wanted to take care of me when I was struggling and my pride wouldn't let them give me a thing, but they found a way to help.

 

FA has someone who loves her and he's doing what he can to help her, despite her efforts. If it's being taken from the M that's his problem and his choice. Your comment alluding it was like the behavior of a prostitute is insulting, but then again I would well imagine that's just why you said it so result for you.

[Fallen Angel]

Oh, wow. That sounds familiar...

 

I would SO not be comfortable with that if I were in that situation.

 

Why, because you want to liken it to prostitution? When what it is in fact is a man who loves me and knows my finacial resources and is in a position to help ease my burden and does so when he can? :rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

So him giving me money after we have spent several days together not making love, what is that then, a down payment on future services? :rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

Why do you insist on trying to make everything so dirty and ugly and being so snarky???

 

I am really tired of having my words twisted into something they are not saying. MOVE ON!! You have nothing to offer me in the form of constructive thought. That avatar is very fitting..... full of air.

[herenow]

We have all read the stories of BW's who sued the OW for her part of the money that her husband spent during an affair. We also know that many times the BW wins. It's not real hard to find out how much is missing once you start looking. An unsuspecting BW may not notice money missing, but one who is looking will find it. Why add to the possible d-day misery by taking any financial support or gifts from a MM?

[donnamaybe]

You're right...it does sound familiar. It sounds like every proud daughter whose mother slips her a tenner when she isn't looking

 

Yup. I give my son money too when he earns it as a result of helping me extra hard around the house or yard, or by doing really well in school.

[MizFit]

We have all read the stories of BW's who sued the OW for her part of the money that her husband spent during an affair. We also know that many times the BW wins. It's not real hard to find out how much is missing once you start looking. An unsuspecting BW may not notice money missing, but one who is looking will find it. Why add to the possible d-day misery by taking any financial support or gifts from a MM?

 

Why does the MM add to the Dday misery by making the financial support and gifts a reality? A MM is often in a relationship with the OW whether or not anyone wants to accept that. Part of a relationship is trying to help the person you care about and to treat them to gifts and share trips with them. A MM who gives the gifts are giving something to someone they care about and the OW who receives is accepting something given out of love or caring.

 

There are some OW...me for 1...who takes very little from MM, but that is because I take very little from anyone for any reason at any time. We did have a couple of trips that he paid for last year, but I managed to make up my end of it with drinks and food.

 

The choice of taking that money out of the bank and spending it on someone outside the marriage is his choice...just like the A is.

[Adunaphel]

What would you consider financial support to an OW/Mistress, and when is it appropriate?

 

Financial support.. when the money MM spends on the OW makes a difference to her.

 

Appropriate when the guy

1) is spending his own money, and not his W's.

2) is supporting the OW for the same reasons he would support a girlfriend

3) is not using the "I am supporting her" as an excuse to treat the OW poorly.

[donnamaybe]

The choice of taking that money out of the bank and spending it on someone outside the marriage is his choice...just like the A is.

And then when the BS finds out, it is - rightfully - HER choice to bring the court down on his cheating arse and wring every penny out of him that she can.

[MizFit]

Yup. I give my son money too when he earns it as a result of helping me extra hard around the house or yard, or by doing really well in school.

 

Yes...that's excellent. Instill a good work ethic...very important. However, when he moves to his first apartment and can't pay the electric bill...slip him the money when he's too proud to ask you for it. I'd dare say we've all done it and we've all received it.

 

I'm assuming that's what you're getting at...I'm pretty sure you're not saying that your sons behavior in receiving the money or a job done is similar to that of a prostitute.

[MizFit]

And then when the BS finds out, it is - rightfully - HER choice to bring the court down on his cheating arse and wring every penny out of him that she can.

 

I could not agree with that more. The issue is with him...he took money from the M...she has every right to account for it no matter where it went to.

[herenow]

Why does the MM add to the Dday misery by making the financial support and gifts a reality? A MM is often in a relationship with the OW whether or not anyone wants to accept that. Part of a relationship is trying to help the person you care about and to treat them to gifts and share trips with them. A MM who gives the gifts are giving something to someone they care about and the OW who receives is accepting something given out of love or caring.

 

There are some OW...me for 1...who takes very little from MM, but that is because I take very little from anyone for any reason at any time. We did have a couple of trips that he paid for last year, but I managed to make up my end of it with drinks and food.

 

The choice of taking that money out of the bank and spending it on someone outside the marriage is his choice...just like the A is.

 

Sorry but legally (in most states) the money is community property. The BW can claim that 50% of money spent on the affair is hers and the OW owes it to her. The A is his choice, but the money is theirs. It's the BW's choice to try and get what is hers no matter what the OW or MM think about it.

 

Then it becomes up to the court who will decide who gets what. All I'm asking is why add to the fallout of a possible d-day by accepting gifts and/or money from a MM?

[Fallen Angel]

I am quite confident in saying that if my sweetheart's wife were to sue me for any monies that were spent on me during our relationship, my sweetheart would be glad to pick up that bill for me as well.

[MizFit]

Sorry but legally (in most states) the money is community property. The BW can claim that 50% of money spent on the affair is hers and the OW owes it to her. The A is his choice, but the money is theirs. It's the BW's choice to try and get what is hers no matter what the OW or MM think about it.

 

Then it becomes up to the court who will decide who gets what. All I'm asking is why add to the fallout of a possible d-day by accepting gifts and/or money from a MM?

 

I'm not disagreeing with anything you've said except the portion about accepting the gifts. If that is the nature of the relationship between the OP and the WS then that's the nature of it. The WS is making the decision on what to do with the money...as with all aspects of the A in regards to the M. I couldn't find anything excessive that my exH spent on his OW, but if he had it would have been his choice to take it just as it was his choice to cheat on me. I would have been on his backside so fast he wouldn't have known what hit him.

[herenow]

I am quite confident in saying that if my sweetheart's wife were to sue me for any monies that were spent on me during our relationship, my sweetheart would be glad to pick up that bill for me as well.

 

The only way for a MM to give an OW a gift (or pick up a bill) without it being 50% his BW's money is to get a divorce and split the community property. Then, he can do whatever he wants.

[donnamaybe]

Yes...that's excellent. Instill a good work ethic...very important. However, when he moves to his first apartment and can't pay the electric bill...slip him the money when he's too proud to ask you for it. I'd dare say we've all done it and we've all received it.

 

I'm assuming that's what you're getting at...I'm pretty sure you're not saying that your sons behavior in receiving the money or a job done is similar to that of a prostitute.

 

I'm saying if my son earns the right for me or anyone else to give him money, he should be given it. If he is working and trying hard to make ends meet but is just having a rough time, then he will get help. If, however, he feels there are "things" he doesn't need that he just naturally deserves for merely existing which he buys FIRST and THEREFORE can't make the electric bill, it might do him some good to go without electricity a day or two.