CaliGuy Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 This may sound odd to some of you but I'm really at a point in my life where I am not even remotely interested in dating or a relationship. I think a lot of that has to do with nearly dying (twice) due to my accident and seeing life from a different perspective. I was so engrossed, thinking that I had some sort of timeline for dating, relationships and marriage. I no longer see that as important in my life. I think when you nearly die you start to see life from a different persective. Besides, the old adage still applies to me: "The ones I want are not interested in me and the ones who are interested in me, I am not interested in..." Cest La Vie! (Might also explain why I haven't been on here much!)
quankanne Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 I think when you nearly die you start to see life from a different perspective. and I think you've hit the nail on the head, squarely. All the small stuff you were so concerned about just melts away in the face of a dramatic event like your accident and brushes with death. ... and I imagine it also is very liberating to a degree ... meanwhile, how is your recovery going? (haven't been here in awhile, either!)
Author CaliGuy Posted June 7, 2010 Author Posted June 7, 2010 I think when you nearly die you start to see life from a different perspective. and I think you've hit the nail on the head, squarely. All the small stuff you were so concerned about just melts away in the face of a dramatic event like your accident and brushes with death. ... and I imagine it also is very liberating to a degree ... Yep! I mean, I think LoveShack provides a very important service to many people but at some point in your life, you have to pull anchor and sail away. That's really what I needed to be doing. I'm so not worried about meeting someone anymore. Life's too short to sweat the small stuff, really. meanwhile, how is your recovery going? (haven't been here in awhile, either!) Fantastic, really. Thanks! I mean, everything has healed up well and if my hair would just start growing back (it's gonna take the scar tissue going away before that happens), then no one would be the wiser. In the meantime, I have a conversation piece, when I am not wearing a ball cap
Morals Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Yep! I mean, I think LoveShack provides a very important service to many people but at some point in your life, you have to pull anchor and sail away. That's really what I needed to be doing. I'm so not worried about meeting someone anymore. Life's too short to sweat the small stuff, really. Fantastic, really. Thanks! I mean, everything has healed up well and if my hair would just start growing back (it's gonna take the scar tissue going away before that happens), then no one would be the wiser. In the meantime, I have a conversation piece, when I am not wearing a ball cap I understand the sentiment of not worrying about dating timelines, and other trivial stuff. But don't you think it's more fun to enjoy things with people? Maybe even a special person, then it is alone? That's how I view it. Sure, I COULD do this alone, but its 10X more fun to do it with some friends, and 100X more fun to do it with someone you care about.
Author CaliGuy Posted June 7, 2010 Author Posted June 7, 2010 I understand the sentiment of not worrying about dating timelines, and other trivial stuff. But don't you think it's more fun to enjoy things with people? Maybe even a special person, then it is alone? That's how I view it. Sure, I COULD do this alone, but its 10X more fun to do it with some friends, and 100X more fun to do it with someone you care about. I think at this point in my life, especially being 41 now, that you if you reach a point in your life where you can be happy single, then a relationship doesn't and shouldn't change that perspective. It's not a matter of whether you COULD do anything alone. It's being able to do what you enjoy doing and not looking over your shoulder wondering if someone is going to come and fill an "imaginary" void in your life. That's my perspective. I used to think that I had a void in my life. Now I see it as simply closing the void and enjoying life and being happy. Regardless of whatever my situation is.
westrock Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Besides, the old adage still applies to me: "The ones I want are not interested in me and the ones who are interested in me, I am not interested in..." A new adage worth considering... the ones I need are interested in me and the ones interested in me are the ones I need.
phineas Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 No life or death situation here but my divorce is giving me an ulcer. I have a fence to put up, a deck to put up & a yard to landscape. The thought of spending time & energy on a woman when I could be spending it on the above projects just tells me either I feel the same way about dateing or I just havn't met anybody that sparks my interest.
Author CaliGuy Posted June 7, 2010 Author Posted June 7, 2010 A new adage worth considering... the ones I need are interested in me and the ones interested in me are the ones I need. Not sure where you are going with this, but personally I think that's a lot of time spend wasted on things that really don't matter No life or death situation here but my divorce is giving me an ulcer. I have a fence to put up, a deck to put up & a yard to landscape. The thought of spending time & energy on a woman when I could be spending it on the above projects just tells me either I feel the same way about dateing or I just havn't met anybody that sparks my interest. Fix your fence, deck and do your landscaping. If there is someone that you are meant to be with, that will happen in due time. There are more important things in life than worrying
bayouboi Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 I reached a point where sure I'd like to be in another relationship, but I don't feel like putting forth the effort to be in one
Pyro Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Not a single thing wrong with not wanting to date. IMO that is when you tend to meet the best people. Glad to hear the recovery is going well.
ADF Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 I don't know why you think you're that unsual. Most guys under 30 want no part of dating, relationships or marriage. They are all about FWB, hook ups and one-night stands.
phineas Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Not sure where you are going with this, but personally I think that's a lot of time spend wasted on things that really don't matter Fix your fence, deck and do your landscaping. If there is someone that you are meant to be with, that will happen in due time. There are more important things in life than worrying I wouldn't say i'm worried but I agree with you.
Author CaliGuy Posted June 7, 2010 Author Posted June 7, 2010 I think you're actually in a really good place. A relationship should be a complement to your life. Being whole alone and happy with your own company is very important. It's a critical part of a healthy foundation for a relationship IMO. Don't be surprised when you actually meet someone for a LTR now (just when you weren't looking lol). Thanks and that's exactly how I feel. I think in the past, the harder I tried, the more I failed. I haven't stopped now just to help move the process along, I am just happy with who I am and where I am in life -- and I think nearly dying helped that process move along Not a single thing wrong with not wanting to date. IMO that is when you tend to meet the best people. Glad to hear the recovery is going well. Yes, thank you! I feel FANTASTIC by the way, better than ever actually. Now I just want my hair to grow back in those places. I don't know why you think you're that unsual. Most guys under 30 want no part of dating, relationships or marriage. They are all about FWB, hook ups and one-night stands. When I was in my 20s and early 30s, that is exactly how I used to think. It's amazing that once I got older and matured, those things didn't matter to me anymore. I wouldn't say i'm worried but I agree with you. Glad to hear it. Hope you're feeling better and get that ulcer taken care of. That's exactly how my mom passed away (didn't go to a doctor and get checked out!)
phineas Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Glad to hear it. Hope you're feeling better and get that ulcer taken care of. That's exactly how my mom passed away (didn't go to a doctor and get checked out!) I wasn't being literal with the ulcer. but thanks for the concern. It's just the BS of dealing with a STBXW that cheated, left, lives with OM & seems to think I shouldn't be happy she's gone, have a pot to piss in, or have other women interested in being my friend. hmmm, maybe that's why I view dateing on the same level as cleaning out the fridge. It's something I think i'd like to do but just don't feel the energy to do it.
melodymatters Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 I can totally relate Cali, and I do think near death or the death of a loved one can seriously shift ones perspective ! I was someone who always had a BF or a few suitors. Now, I have NO interest and am excited about going back to school, working on myself, spending time with friends and family. It's like being cured of an odd disease : the " I need someone of the opposite sex in my life or I'm missing something" disease !!
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 This may sound odd to some of you but I'm really at a point in my life where I am not even remotely interested in dating or a relationship. I think a lot of that has to do with nearly dying (twice) due to my accident and seeing life from a different perspective. I was so engrossed, thinking that I had some sort of timeline for dating, relationships and marriage. I no longer see that as important in my life. I think when you nearly die you start to see life from a different persective. Besides, the old adage still applies to me: "The ones I want are not interested in me and the ones who are interested in me, I am not interested in..." Cest La Vie! (Might also explain why I haven't been on here much!) If you go looking for it, it isn't there. When you least expect it, that's when it finds you.. Be happy and content with what you have in your life. Family, good friends and your health. From what you experienced, you've learned alot and it's good that you won't settle or just date for the sake of it. Timing is everything.
sweetjasmine Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I think at this point in my life, especially being 41 now, that you if you reach a point in your life where you can be happy single, then a relationship doesn't and shouldn't change that perspective. It's not a matter of whether you COULD do anything alone. It's being able to do what you enjoy doing and not looking over your shoulder wondering if someone is going to come and fill an "imaginary" void in your life. That's my perspective. I used to think that I had a void in my life. Now I see it as simply closing the void and enjoying life and being happy. Regardless of whatever my situation is. That's a wonderful attitude, IMO. You sound like a great guy. Glad to hear you're doing well.
lilmizsara Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 i dont know if i should be posting a reply to this, but im 21 this year. and i have NO interest in dating. i know this sounds reallyyy weird to alot of ppl, but for me, an ideal romantic relationship builds up from a solid friendship. i just dont have the time sitting ard having coffee with a stranger or project group mate whom i have no interest in (and this has happened to me a couple of times already) and who has ulterior motives to his action (genuine friendship usually not being one of them). and like phineas said, dating is an equivalent of cleaning out the fridge, i know i should do it and might enjoy doing it, but i just dont have the energy to do so. and i'm more into much older guys (4-8 yrs older) so... the chances of meeting them in college is highly unlikely. and i just feel on the same frequency as older men, not sure why. i rather spend time doing things i enjoy, i like my independence, and if i happen to form a nice friendship with a guy whilst going abt my life, then good, if not, doesn't matter anyway, caliguy, i hope your recovering fast. pls take care
quankanne Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I feel FANTASTIC by the way, better than ever actually. Now I just want my hair to grow back in those places. glad to hear it, man! though the second part of your comment reminded me of the post from one of our regulars about leaving her "trimmings" behind in the trash can and the neighbor's husband finding them :laugh:
DollWelch Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 "The ones I want are not interested in me and the ones who are interested in me, I am not interested in..." Right. But does that mean one should throw in the towel and settle? What advice would you give to someone heading down the same path as you? (i.e. a person who finds him/herself nearing their mid-late 30s or early 40s, and hasn't had much luck; perhaps they've messed up a couple of times along the way or the universe has aligned itself against them.)
Author CaliGuy Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 I wasn't being literal with the ulcer. but thanks for the concern. It's just the BS of dealing with a STBXW that cheated, left, lives with OM & seems to think I shouldn't be happy she's gone, have a pot to piss in, or have other women interested in being my friend. hmmm, maybe that's why I view dateing on the same level as cleaning out the fridge. It's something I think i'd like to do but just don't feel the energy to do it. Well I know about STBXWs (in my case, a couple of ex-GFs) and I think the best thing I ever did in those situations is wipe them from my life. You (and I) deserve better people in our lives. I think the sooner you turn the page and look forward to what life has to offer, you'll be fine. And I personally do not want bad people in my life. Male or female, for that matter. I can totally relate Cali, and I do think near death or the death of a loved one can seriously shift ones perspective ! I was someone who always had a BF or a few suitors. Now, I have NO interest and am excited about going back to school, working on myself, spending time with friends and family. It's like being cured of an odd disease : the " I need someone of the opposite sex in my life or I'm missing something" disease !! Exactly. You don't need someone in your life to make you happy. You just need to see life from a different perspective. We spend too much time trying to find the right person and in the process, we often lose ourselves. If you go looking for it, it isn't there. When you least expect it, that's when it finds you.. Be happy and content with what you have in your life. Family, good friends and your health. From what you experienced, you've learned alot and it's good that you won't settle or just date for the sake of it. Timing is everything. Amen to that. When I was hurt and in a coma I had hundreds and hundreds of posts on my FB from friends, family and the like. It was just amazing how loved I felt by them all. I didn't realize how important I was to them but now I have a different perspective. And I didn't need a S/O to make me feel better! That's a wonderful attitude, IMO. You sound like a great guy. Glad to hear you're doing well. Thanks! I'm doing really well, thank you! i rather spend time doing things i enjoy, i like my independence, and if i happen to form a nice friendship with a guy whilst going abt my life, then good, if not, doesn't matter anyway, caliguy, i hope your recovering fast. pls take care Good post and thank you. I am already recovered and I am just waiting to see if the hair grows back where the surgical scars are or if I have to do a comb over (LOL!). Either way I am fine and I guess the scar and lack of hair is a good conversation piece! LOL glad to hear it, man! though the second part of your comment reminded me of the post from one of our regulars about leaving her "trimmings" behind in the trash can and the neighbor's husband finding them :laugh: LOL! In my case, it was where the surgical scars are, the hair isn't exactly growing back like it used to (and I don't have a receding hair line). LOL at trimmings though, that is funny! Right. But does that mean one should throw in the towel and settle? What advice would you give to someone heading down the same path as you? (i.e. a person who finds him/herself nearing their mid-late 30s or early 40s, and hasn't had much luck; perhaps they've messed up a couple of times along the way or the universe has aligned itself against them.) No, not at all. It isn't that I am ready to settle for anyone. It's simply I stopped finding Ms Right as a priority. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy of finding BAD people when you "settle" for whoever comes along and fills an imaginary void. For people in my position, I would tell them to look at life from a different perspective. Paul the Apostle said that he had a "gift" of being single so that he could be used for the greater good of man. I think many people should have that attitude. So what if you are single? It doesn't make you bad or unworthy, it just means that you have a different purpose at this time. As someone like myself who has had God say to me "You're not ready to come to me yet..." and gave me a second chance at life, I think I should be doing things that exault Him and minimize myself. And if that means I will be much like Paul, well -- there are a LOT worse things that can happen in my life. That is for sure!
Ihavenoidea Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I have come to not be interested in dating simply because I feel like I am wasting my time as most women arent interested.
Author CaliGuy Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 I have come to not be interested in dating simply because I feel like I am wasting my time as most women arent interested. You have to stop thinking that something is wrong with you. Everyone has problems, they are just different, and until you meet someone who has the least amount of problems as you, you're luck won't be great. Don't focus on finding women or dating. Just live life and have fun (permissible under the law, mind you).
sumdude Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 Hey Cali, awesome to hear you're doing so well in recovery! Though I haven't had a personal brush with death (yet) in a matter of four years I got married, my mom passed from cancer, my ex wife cheated, lied and left without warning, my aunt died, my uncle died then my dad's health went downhill, I had to take care of him and then he passed away. I'm 42, a lot of my friends have started to disappear from my life for whatever reasons. Many are now married with kids which is great but my life doesn't have much in common with theirs at the moment. Others have just drifted away. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I kinda get where you're coming from and started to reach the same point in the last couple of months. If you feel there's a void you'll try to fill it with whatever looks like it might fit. I've had enough of trying to force the square pegs into the round holes. Hope you stop by LS once in a while. You advice has usually been pretty spot on.
Ihavenoidea Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 You have to stop thinking that something is wrong with you. Everyone has problems, they are just different, and until you meet someone who has the least amount of problems as you, you're luck won't be great. Don't focus on finding women or dating. Just live life and have fun (permissible under the law, mind you). Oh i know there isnt anything wrong with me, I suppose I'm just sick of the chase. so I'm not chasing anymore.
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