What next

[2sunny]

I stand by it. Either go in full with everything you've got, damn the torpedoes, or divorce her and be done with it. Seriously. What kind of life are we talking about? Constant doubt, checking, wondering, worrying. Seriously. Screw that. if she's 'gonna, she's gonna. Worried that she might? Leave and be done with it. Love her and want marriage? Dive in, be happy and live the life you want and desire. The Status Quo stinks.

 

The whole living a 'life of misery' is a waste of time. A waste of life.

 

choosing one side of the fence or the other is a good plan... as long as a person simply gets off the fence.

 

but what you originally suggested was a specific side of the fence that just closes the eyes to the reality of it all and would become willing to live in total ignorance of what that reality is.

 

his W hasn't shown him that she has DONE (actions) the hard work to figure out what made her do this - and the hard work to get past it all to see what happy might look like for her... so that she can then offer the happy version of herself to him.

 

so - if he does this...

 

I'd chuck the checking, shelve the snooping, end the lease a couple months early and use the money you save on a romantic getaway. Maybe a cruise. I always wanted to take my sweetie on a cruise, but I never will.

 

he's essentially sticking his head in the sand and would become a willing participant for his W to never change... thus, living a life as he has already known... and also has to figure if she hasn't figured out WHY she did this - and HOW to never be so unhappy with herself that she would never do it again - then he can figure that life will move on as it has always been...

 

if that's enough for him - putting his head in the sand - then he already knows what the end result will be.

 

but i figure WN is looking for more out of life than just that as his future.

 

his W will either do the hard work - or she won't.

 

the longer she stalls... the less likely WN may be to wait and wait.

 

no one can do that work for her... since she seems to be showing evidence that she's reluctant to face her past, be honest and let go of all her baggage that's dragging her down... it may be too late for the M by the time she decides to process what has been bothering her for years.

 

sometimes... to let go of everything we have learned in our upbringing... and start fresh at the beginning is best. if it's dragging us down - why not let go anyway? what do we have to lose by hanging on to the baggage that drags us into the dark side of living?

 

if she's unwilling to let it all go and begin to move forward to a new life - then there is no reason for WN to hang around and wait while she simply does a whole lot of nothing.

 

if she's offering nothing new... then she's just offering the same old $hitty life he's known as his past... and he has said - "that's just not good enough anymore."

 

i don't blame him for wanting to drop the baggage... she should be grateful enough that he is willing to try again - but if she's not being totally up front and honest = there really isn't anything to work toward.

 

so the question still remains... is she willing to DO (actions= change) the hard work necessary to keep the M moving forward?

 

since she's not up front and forthcoming in ALL areas of her life she is showing signs that she just hasn't or isn't willing to earn his trust back.

 

 

and donewrong... why are YOU stalling on processing all the crap you need to let go of - and what is it going to take for you to let it go and move forward? what benefit do you have for hanging on to such a heavy load? you are about to lose your family over all of this - i hope hanging on is worth it to you. consider DOING something you have never done before... anything... because what you've done so far hasn't been working for you.

 

change is necessary... IF you intend for things to get better.

[What_Next]

Steadfast, great post. Now I don't agree with you, but great post. First I am NOT the cheesecake and chardonnay type. I'm more likely to go for Rye (straight no mix thank you) and a burger. As for slapping me with a glove... well... OK kidding aside.

 

Ending our leases early and wasting (yes I say wasting) the money on a cruise to reward her for cheating? Ummm I don't think so. Her selfish actions affected not only me, but our entire family and uprooted us all. I have my place for a year and can afford to do so largely because my mother and I share it. I'll be keeping it and she'll (Donewrong) will be keeping hers for the next year. It'll give us all a chance to begin to heal and prepare for the next phase of our life. If things progress between Donewrong and I then there is little doubt that in a year we'll get a place together again. In a lifetime a year is but a blip on the screen.

 

You claim I should jump back in, both feet, damned the torpedos? All umm NOPE. I will protect myself and I will ensure Donewrong is REALLY committed to change by actions, not by words. I will ensure she is being faithful to me by closely monitoring her whereabouts and ensuring that her words and her actions align themselves. There is no easy fix here. There is no overnight repair. This is a process and I am going about it the best way I know how.

 

2sunny, I agree with you. Now I am going to say that Donewrong has made fantastic strides into determining WHY she did what she did. She is also drastically changing her behavior and has so already. She's not there yet, in fact she has a LONG ways to go, but she is trying. Some of her efforts are just mis-directed and I hope our MC and together we can help her focus on the right areas. Sure the work is up to her, but she seems willing to take those steps. Donewrong is an amazing person, I will say that to anyone that will listen, she is a wonderful mother and a caring/loving person. She just has some severe personality defects that she MUST work out. Hell no one is perfect, no matter what our mother tells us right

 

The one point that I most definitely think 2sunny is trying to make is that if I don't draw a line in the sand (or in the snow) and say NO! I will NOT go back to the way it was before. NO I will NOT allow us to go down that path again, then I am doomed to repeat it. We all know what the definition of insanity is right???

 

Tonight is my individual session with our MC. I am looking forward to it in a way. We'll see what rocks get over turned tonight.

[tojaz]

W_N, keeping it short and sweet here because I have to agree with what steadfast said there. Fact is, you want her to PROVE something to you, yet you don't know what that is, or how shes going to do that, but your waiting for it and not willing to budge until she does.

 

So you have created an impossible standard for her to live up to, and she only gets one shot. Why? Because your protecting yourself, protecting yourself from what? Her cheating? She already did that, shes already in her own place doing as she likes, when she likes, with whomever she likes. So, whats she doing???? TRYING TO SAVE HER MARRIAGE TO YOU!

 

Open your eyes man! All the snooping, all the checking up, how can she prove anything unless you give her the opportunity? There are few guarantees in life W_N but I can close to guarantee that she will eventually tire of jumping through your hoops just to have you hold up another. It takes two people to make this thing work and shes trying. Whats your end? Whats yours to own in all this?

 

TOJAZ

[What_Next]

Tojaz, whats my end? Whats mine in all this? Well why don't we start with the fact that I am giving her a second chance at all. Most men in my position would NOT EVER give her that chance. Do you forget that she had an affair and took MY ENTIRE FAMILY across an International border and slept in the same room with her AP???

 

I think can learn to forgive that in time. I think I might even begin to trust her in time. It will take that, TIME!

 

You say I am holding up an impossible standard for her? Well see I wouldn't consider NOT CHEATING an impossible standard. Snooping? I never said I was snooping. Her life is an open book to me. I told her that I would require that and she has complied. You know what, her phone sits open to me whenever I chose to look. Do I? Not really no. However, all of that is part of the process of rebuilding trust.

 

My end? Well I just returned from my own one on one MC tonight. My choice, I went without any issue at all.

 

Having her jump through hoops? Really is that how you see it? Perhaps Donewrong can comment on that herself if she chooses.

 

I do agree that I have been asking her to prove something and I have not been clear on what that was. In fact I have discussed that with Donewrong herself. In my MC tonight we did discuss just this fact and I have come to some conclusions on things. All in all it was a very enlightening experience.

 

I have some things to work on over the next little while and so does Donewrong. I am happy that we have our own places and our own space to do that in. There will be lots of time together, but also time apart, both of which are healthy.

 

Also, one last thing Tojaz, nowhere did I say she get's "one shot", this is no game. I have some things that I absolutely won't live with, there is no doubt of that. Donewrong can make mistakes, hell we all do.

 

As for protecting myself, yes I am. I will continue to do that until I am ready to begin to trust her again. It's a free world and if she decides that she cannot live with things the way they are then she will, I cannot control that. I just know my eyes are open and will always be open. No more deer in the headlights for me.

[tojaz]

Tojaz, whats my end? Whats mine in all this? Well why don't we start with the fact that I am giving her a second chance at all. Most men in my position would NOT EVER give her that chance. Do you forget that she had an affair and took MY ENTIRE FAMILY across an International border and slept in the same room with her AP???

 

I think can learn to forgive that in time. I think I might even begin to trust her in time. It will take that, TIME!

 

You say I am holding up an impossible standard for her? Well see I wouldn't consider NOT CHEATING an impossible standard. Snooping? I never said I was snooping. Her life is an open book to me. I told her that I would require that and she has complied. You know what, her phone sits open to me whenever I chose to look. Do I? Not really no. However, all of that is part of the process of rebuilding trust.

 

My end? Well I just returned from my own one on one MC tonight. My choice, I went without any issue at all.

 

Having her jump through hoops? Really is that how you see it? Perhaps Donewrong can comment on that herself if she chooses.

 

I do agree that I have been asking her to prove something and I have not been clear on what that was. In fact I have discussed that with Donewrong herself. In my MC tonight we did discuss just this fact and I have come to some conclusions on things. All in all it was a very enlightening experience.

 

I have some things to work on over the next little while and so does Donewrong. I am happy that we have our own places and our own space to do that in. There will be lots of time together, but also time apart, both of which are healthy.

 

Also, one last thing Tojaz, nowhere did I say she get's "one shot", this is no game. I have some things that I absolutely won't live with, there is no doubt of that. Donewrong can make mistakes, hell we all do.

 

As for protecting myself, yes I am. I will continue to do that until I am ready to begin to trust her again. It's a free world and if she decides that she cannot live with things the way they are then she will, I cannot control that. I just know my eyes are open and will always be open. No more deer in the headlights for me.

 

Skillfully dodged W-N, I'll rephrase..... whats your share of the blame in the breakdown of your marriage?

[trippi1432]

Skillfully dodged W-N, I'll rephrase..... whats your share of the blame in the breakdown of your marriage?

 

 

W_N...I can almost answer this without even thinking twice having been cheated on by more than one ex...the first, lack of maturity and lack of communication...lack of ownership of my faults as well as his. My second...lack of meeting each others emotional needs. Would I take my ex back...no. Simply because he has been living with her for over a year now.

 

Did your wife do something you hate, yes...but she did something that not many ex's do not..she is making concessions....for you, from my standpoint that is an action. Something not many of us here were ever afforded.

[What_Next]

Skillfully dodged W-N, I'll rephrase..... whats your share of the blame in the breakdown of your marriage?

 

Tojaz, I dodge NOTHING! PERIOD! What's my share in the breakdown of the marriage? Oh I have accepted my share. Oh heavens have I accepted my share. Donewrong will agree with me there.

 

My share, I was a terrible listener, I did not know how to show affection, I did not make her a priority, I did not show her she was loved. I was distant, uncaring, you name it. I WAS faithful though. Always.

 

I have changed my personality in a drastic way. I began that way back in May when our marriage was basically over. I took it upon myself to not only "do" a 180 but to live it. I have changed to my core, I am NOT the same man I was. Never again will I EVER treat a woman the way I did.

 

I have atoned for my mistakes as a husband and I will continue to do so. If Donewrong and I do by some miracle make it, she will get the partner she deserves. However, so will I. I will NEVER again accept any less.

[debtman]

WN, sounds so familiar. I was certainly guilty of the same things you were in my marriage. As much as I'm angry at my stbx for finally making the decision to give up on the marriage, for disrupting our kids lives (and ours) and for taking right up with another guy, I have to remember the lessons I've learned from this relationship to ensure that I don't end up repeating this.

 

I'm afraid she hasn't taken any lessons away from this and will end up repeating our situation again with this new guy and the kids will have to go through another break-up, move, etc.

 

I'm looking forward to working on myself and spending time "finding" myself again, doing what I need to do in order to go back to the happy, confident person I was before we got together and then, and only then, I can open myself up to the possibility of getting into a relationship with someone I can truly be happy with and FOCUS on. No more "settling" or telling myself that the current one is the "best I can do." If there's not someone out there willing to work together to make a happy life, then it's not worth avoiding loneliness at the expense of being unhappy...I deserve better and so do my kids...

 

Good luck...

[What_Next]

Debtman, I am NOT alone in terms of what I contributed to the breakdown of our marriage. I never did with it will ill intent, I just didn't fully realize what a relationship needs in terms of staying healthy. The book his needs, her needs was an eye opener for me.

 

After 6 months of introspection I am fully aware of what I did to Donewrong. I fully intend on NEVER EVER doing that again. I cannot really prevent anyone I am with from cheating but I can know that I did not contribute to it.

 

I also fully agree with you in terms of returning to the happy, confident person I had been all along. The confident part is back in spades as Donewrong can attest to. The happy part, well that'll take a little longer.

 

Donewrong and I had a fairly long talk last night and she sees inside my head a little clearer now and she now understands the length of time this will take to repair. I have a year in my own place and I will be taking full advantage of it.

[debtman]

WN, I think the "alone" time for BOTH of you is the BEST thing you are doing to remind yourselves of what things are like without each other and how much you can contribute to each other if you can establish a "healthy" strong relationship...kudos on that and on not jumping back into anything...good luck...

[2sunny]

Steadfast, great post. Now I don't agree with you, but great post. First I am NOT the cheesecake and chardonnay type. I'm more likely to go for Rye (straight no mix thank you) and a burger. As for slapping me with a glove... well... OK kidding aside.

 

Ending our leases early and wasting (yes I say wasting) the money on a cruise to reward her for cheating? Ummm I don't think so. Her selfish actions affected not only me, but our entire family and uprooted us all. I have my place for a year and can afford to do so largely because my mother and I share it. I'll be keeping it and she'll (Donewrong) will be keeping hers for the next year. It'll give us all a chance to begin to heal and prepare for the next phase of our life. If things progress between Donewrong and I then there is little doubt that in a year we'll get a place together again. In a lifetime a year is but a blip on the screen.

 

You claim I should jump back in, both feet, damned the torpedos? All umm NOPE. I will protect myself and I will ensure Donewrong is REALLY committed to change by actions, not by words. I will ensure she is being faithful to me by closely monitoring her whereabouts and ensuring that her words and her actions align themselves. There is no easy fix here. There is no overnight repair. This is a process and I am going about it the best way I know how.

 

2sunny, I agree with you. Now I am going to say that Donewrong has made fantastic strides into determining WHY she did what she did. She is also drastically changing her behavior and has so already. She's not there yet, in fact she has a LONG ways to go, but she is trying. Some of her efforts are just mis-directed and I hope our MC and together we can help her focus on the right areas. Sure the work is up to her, but she seems willing to take those steps. Donewrong is an amazing person, I will say that to anyone that will listen, she is a wonderful mother and a caring/loving person. She just has some severe personality defects that she MUST work out. Hell no one is perfect, no matter what our mother tells us right

 

The one point that I most definitely think 2sunny is trying to make is that if I don't draw a line in the sand (or in the snow) and say NO! I will NOT go back to the way it was before. NO I will NOT allow us to go down that path again, then I am doomed to repeat it. We all know what the definition of insanity is right???

 

Tonight is my individual session with our MC. I am looking forward to it in a way. We'll see what rocks get over turned tonight.

 

THIS is good progress WN... and great forward movement! be proud of yourself! this looks like healthy boundaries! i don't give compliments lightly = you are doing quite well with moving forward!

 

keep.moving.forward.

[2sunny]

I did indeed read the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and I am currently going through it the second time. Any request he makes it is my number one priority!

One of his main requests has been communication and we have been talking back and forth about it throughout the day. I have looked into some communication builder ideas that I will be bringing home for us to excercise.

 

DW - you need to DO things for YOU! DO what any self help book suggests... not just reading but DOING!

 

this may invoke change. try anything and everything until YOU find what happy looks like for YOU (not others).

 

let WN worry about him - and you worry about you. when you are healthy and happy - then and only then - is it time to offer that happy version of yourself to others... in the meantime - start DOING - for self.

 

 

when we are always trying to do what others may want or need - we tend to make no one happy - especially self. this is about YOUR growth and your pursuit of what happy looks like - for you!

 

chop chop - time is a wasting! DO the work...

[Steadfast]

2sunny, both you and W_N have assumed much into what I wrote, but I'm not put off by this because I generally agree with your advice. No issues.

 

W_N, my intention is not to ask that you ignore or overlook anything. For the most part, that seems impossible to do. What does concern me is the fear of increased anger and negativity hampering the progress of your reconsideration. Tojaz is (rightly) motivated to ask your part in the demise of your marriage but I'll spend no time on that. I think everyone will agree it's water under the bridge. That part in the relationship time-line anyway.

 

Perhaps it's an overused term, but I am a strong believer in having a healthy balance. Be it diet, play/work or relationships. Looking at you and just you, it seems to be unbalanced right now. The woe, dread and "37-steps into infinity" mindset could cause you to lose sight of what you're really after; a rich family life and the love/companionship of your wife.

 

And you're wrong: Most men would take their wives back -even cheaters- if given a chance. The ones we date and the ones we marry and have children with are two very different animals. In my case, I truly considered my ex the love of my life, but she isn't. Not because of what she's done, but because of how she feels about me. Her love for me isn't strong enough to go past a certain point; a point of convenience. If she had expressed a heartfelt desire I would have tried. For me, for her, for my family and in an attempt to salvage an almost 20-year investment of my life. Maybe I'm better off divorced and maybe you would be too, but understand I'm speaking from a view point of which I have no experience.

 

I understand your approach, and your logic. I also understand the emotions you're going through and your cautiousness. But understand me when I say that no amount of checking, wondering or monitoring is going to keep her from cheating again, unless you really enjoy keeping your foot firmly up the tailpipe. We don't wash our dirty clothes in dirty water. We shouldn't clean up our lives in that manner either.

[controlledchaos]

a year living apart is good, especially for the working on yourself and realizing you don't need someone else to define WHO you are or WHAT makes you happy, or WHAT you're capable of doing without someone else. i have lived alone ( with my kids) for almost a year now, and it has made a tremendous change in how i see myself, and how i define things now.

 

WN, i wish more than anything my H could see, like you have, how he is not perfect and that he needed to make some changes too, inorder for us to work out. he's had a year, and not much has changed at all. he's a more attentive father, but in regards to me he's the same. however, *I* am a different person and that is only because of the year apart and learning who i am all over again. ( maybe even for the first time really.....) i have demonstrated new strength, self assurance, and boundaries and he has made sure to point out just how much he disapproves every chance he gets. he goes right to contempt and threats, and swears.

 

DW, i agree, don't just read about what needs to change, DO IT! practice it! find a way to be happy with YOU alone. i never thought i could be happy without another person. i went from home to a relationship and marriage. i was never on my own, never lived alone, nothing even close. i figured i'd have to be with a man if my marriage didn't succeed and now i realize nothing is further from the truth!!! i'm alone and i've survived and i will continue to do so because *I* am making my life better. *I* am making my life what i want it to be. it's not about being ok WITH someone. it's about being ok with yourself! i would love to have married a man that wanted to fight for our marriage. for him to realize that he needed to fix things too. but i didn't. please realize what a blessing you have in this man.

 

he can admit he's made mistakes as well. he can agree to work on your marriage with you and give you another shot. and i am guessing he can do so without contempt. and he loves you!!! i really do hope you guys can work this out. don't just talk the talk, but make sure you walk the walk too!!!!

[beachbum84]

Tojaz, whats my end? Whats mine in all this? Well why don't we start with the fact that I am giving her a second chance at all. Most men in my position would NOT EVER give her that chance. Do you forget that she had an affair and took MY ENTIRE FAMILY across an International border and slept in the same room with her AP???

 

 

I want to start by saying I am sympathetic to you and your situation. But this post, and primarily the bolded part stood out to me.

 

Yes you have given her a second chance, good for you. You seem to repeat that a LOT. You seem to rub that it in every chance you get.

 

I'm sure she more than understands you gave her a second chance. I'm sure she is more than grateful for the second chance.

 

Second chances are not mandatory, they are however a conscience decision to show another mercy for what they have done wrong. There is nothing merciful about the way you act at times. I will do X, but you must do x, x, & x before I'll even consider it. Mercy is defined as: compassionate treatment of or attitude towards an offender, adversary.

 

Here is a quote to consider, "One who forgives an affront fosters friendship, but one who dwells on disputes will alienate a friend."

 

No doubt you were betrayed, no doubt you were and are hurt. No question that the offense was very serious. However, you chose to accept her back, and repair your marriage. You can't carry this bitterness and at times self-righteous attitude forward with you while trying to repair the broken marriage.

 

I see your point on having the 2 places, and how you can afford them, and so on. I don't see your point on insisting to live apart. So continue to rent both and choose which one to live in together. Or ditch one. A year is a long time for 2 people who have BOTH gone through such a terrible event.

 

Whether you feel she deserves it or not, she needs your compassion, and kindness now and forever. She has truthfully spoken of her wrong doings, she has plead for forgiveness. But yet that isn't good enough for you. What is good enough? What can she do, for you to treat her with equality, respect, kindness, caring, and love again? She fell (and fell hard), she admitted it, and said she was sorry. YOU chose to stay and try to make this work, so it seems time for you to **** or get of the pot with that.

 

Do you want her to wear a red A on her shirt for eternity or just a little while longer? Either way, that is wrong. If you truly love her, and you truly want to make your marriage stronger with her. You'll see that holding onto your resentment stronger than you hold onto your wife and your marriage will ruin you, her, and whats left of your marriage.

 

You chose not to bail on the sinking ship, its time to start helping her bail out the water, so you both can survive, and set sail once again. The longer you drag this out, I'm fearful your story won't end the way you say you want it to.

 

I'm sorry to be harsh, but I just felt compelled to say that. I am supportive of you and your situation. And I do hope for the best for you guys.

[Owl]

W_N...I get the idea of taking it slowly to rebuild things, don't take me wrong.

 

But Beachbum's post reminded me of something that came up during counseling with my wife and I immediately after d-day.

 

This was while she was still considering seperation/going to be with OM, and hadn't truly decided to reconcile.

 

Our MC at the time asked my wife what she wanted, and what she expected. My wife said that all she was going to do was give me a chance (she felt that I had to change at that point...which just shows how foggy she was at the time). She was going to "wait and see" what would happen between us, and then decide whether or not she wanted to try to reconcile our marriage.

 

The MC told her that this simply wouldn't work. It's like building a house...you can't 'hope' for a house, wait and see, and then one day look up and find a mansion sitting there with your name on it.

 

The very first step...before absolutely anything else...is to CHOOSE to build a house. And then once you start...THEN you can truly begin the hard work of actually building it. After that first step...and then after the hard work...one day you've got a house.

 

Right now, you sound like my wife did then.

 

You're "giving your wife a chance"...but you're not really CHOOSING to rebuild your relationship with her. You're "waiting to see" what will happen...and THEN you'll find out if you've got a marriage or not.

 

Until you CHOOSE to work on it...until you truly choose to emotionally invest in rebuilding it...you're not actually DOING anything.

 

Another story from my past...shortly before my wife really made her choice, she was out shopping, and found a little sign that had a quote, supposedly from Confuscious. It simply said "No matter where you go, go with all of your heart".

 

That's the choice. You've got to choose to do it...or choose not to.

 

Like my signature.

 

Don't try...do.

 

If you try, you're just leaving yourself room to fail. And I kind of feel from your posts that you're almost intending for this to fail...you're witholding putting your heart into rebuilding your marriage because of your fear that it will fail. I understand, but can tell you that this is the path to failure.

 

If you want to succeed...the ONLY way to succeed...is to go there with all of your heart. Do, or do not...there is no try.

 

Hey look...I quote both Yoda and Confuscious in the same post...you know I've got to be right!

[What_Next]

Beachbum, thanks for your post. It's not harsh. Heck I get worse than that in my employment from day to day... I have a VERY thick skin.

 

Perhaps you're right about me bringing up giving her a chance. I didn't see that before and I will try to ease up on that. I'm afraid you have MASSIVE mis-conceptions about what the real situation is. You say I am only doing X and I am asking her to do X, X, & X etc. WRONG. I have easily matched Donewrong step for step in terms what I have been willing to do. In fact up to this point I'd hazard to say I've done more than she has to help repair our relationship. It's OK though, that is my nature. She is learning what she must bring to the table and she is doing so.

 

Do I love her, you absolutely bet I do. As for repairing the broken marriage. No. Our marriage is over. It is finished. I don't want to repair it. I want a brand new one brough from the ashes of the old. Our marriage is over because we BOTH broke our vows, they carry no weight any more.

 

You seem to suggest I am doing little and honestly I do resent that. However, you don't know me, you don't know Donewrong and that is understandable.

 

Regarding our living situation again you are mis-informed and you simply don't understand the reality. "ditching" one place is not possible. We both have leases that we are unable to break. My mother also lives with me in my place and she was given a 1 year buffer to find her own place. Bottom line, we have 2 places for 1 year. I also stay with Donewrong on the weekends and sometimes during the weekends. For now I use my place and she uses her place as a refuge of sorts. To help us BOTH heal.

 

Harsh, nah, slightly mis-informed, yes. However, your intent was to encourage us and I thank you for that.

 

Steadfast, I DISAGREE with your statement that most men would take back cheaters, especially with what Donewrong decided to do by involving our child. Look at the statistics on marriages that survive after infedility and the numbers don't lie. However, I could care less what others do. This was and is MY decision. I do agree that there is an unbalance in me right now. Most definitely. Time and patience will even that out in time though. That's the key for me is TIME. I need time.

 

controlledchaos, I have no isssue whatsoever with admitting my mistakes. I have made lots of them. Donewrong and I BOTH took each other for granted. For that we have lost our marriage. However, what might survive is our relationship and our bond.

 

I cannot thank everyone enough for their continued kind words and genuine interest in what we are going through. The entire LS community has rallyed around us and I am thankful for that.

 

Updates will continue as things progress.

[beachbum84]

You shared with me that you too have seen the movie Fireproof. So I just want to share some more food for thought.

 

James 2:13 Judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment!

 

2 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 

Micah 6:8 He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly.

 

Psalm 103:8-10 The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.

 

May I encourage and challenge you to likewise to read and partake in that book, the Love Dare. From the point you both decided to work on your marriage, it isn't about her wrong doings, or your wrong doings, but more so on how to repair the damage from all wrong doings, and rebuilding a stronger marriage, insuring a happier future. Remember in the movie when it drove this point home numerous times, "you don't leave your partner in a fire. If they are missing you go back for them."? I strongly feel you two need to be together to truly work on your marriage. Not judging, just offering my 2 cents for whatever it may or may not be worth. But if you tried focusing your energy on being a better person, and better husband, and she does the same likewise, then you'll be amazed by what can come from that. Its hard to move forward when you are dragging such a heavy load of resentment, and condemnation. Are your arms wide open to your spouse? Seems kinda hard for them to be when you seem to have both hands clenching the past so tightly. Just food for thought. That is all this is meant for.

[What_Next]

Owl, thanks for the post. Look at you, the quote monster....

 

I cannot say I agree with all of your post, but I do agree with some of the points.

 

I have chosen to build that house. Let's just say for a little while though I'll only work part time on it, because Donewrong and I BOTH need to learn proper construction techniques first so the foundation is strong. How's that for continuing the metaphor

 

Our relationship, I'm in, 100%. No question. That DOES NOT mean we have to be joined at the hip. We both will take the time to learn about ourselves and learn about us as a couple and learn about us parents etc.

[What_Next]

Beachbum, we did watch the movie. I do see the value in it for some people, but honestly for me, it is not my cup of tea. I am NOT religious nor do I have a strong faith, in fact I really don't even believe in a higher power at all. My higher power involves Canadian Blended whiskey.. Then again I am of Irish decent.

 

I have comitted to change, in fact I already have. The reality is that Donewrong needs to prove to me that she has and will also. So far she is pointed in the right direction. Will I ever trust her again? Maybe. Will I ever blindly trust her again? No.

[beachbum84]

I'm afraid you have MASSIVE mis-conceptions about what the real situation is. You say I am only doing X and I am asking her to do X, X, & X etc. WRONG. I have easily matched Donewrong step for step in terms what I have been willing to do. In fact up to this point I'd hazard to say I've done more than she has to help repair our relationship. It's OK though, that is my nature. She is learning what she must bring to the table and she is doing so.

 

I only know from what I've read. So I'm sorry to be misinformed. However my point was that you seem to echo an attitude and tone in many of your posts, that isn't gracious or loving. As in the above bolded. You are still seeing what you've done, and then following it up with that sentence. I imagine you looking down your nose at her while you are saying that.

 

Do I love her, you absolutely bet I do. As for repairing the broken marriage. No. Our marriage is over. It is finished. I don't want to repair it. I want a brand new one brough from the ashes of the old. Our marriage is over because we BOTH broke our vows, they carry no weight any more.

 

Okay, the last time I knew, if I got a damaged item, and chose not to fix it but merely return it for a "new" one, then I felt much better, because my current item isn't broken. Your idea is flawed by your own lack of accepting something 100% new, or you do want to truly work through and repair the damage, but not want to think of it as the same marriage. Either its new and there is no damage, or it is a repaired one. Can't really have it both ways.

 

 

 

You seem to suggest I am doing little and honestly I do resent that. However, you don't know me, you don't know Donewrong and that is understandable.

 

I didn't mean to suggest you are doing little. And if that is what I conveyed, I am sorry. I was merely trying to point out that you seem to be keeping a very big record of wrong doings, and you seem to refer to it often. I don't sense you are putting your whole heart into this reconciliation. Forget your actions, and words. If your heart isn't all in it, then your words and actions are useless.

 

Regarding our living situation again you are mis-informed and you simply don't understand the reality. "ditching" one place is not possible. We both have leases that we are unable to break. My mother also lives with me in my place and she was given a 1 year buffer to find her own place. Bottom line, we have 2 places for 1 year. I also stay with Donewrong on the weekends and sometimes during the weekends. For now I use my place and she uses her place as a refuge of sorts. To help us BOTH heal.

 

I still get it. You don't get my point. Let your mom live there. Continue to pay both rents. You and your wife live in one of the places together. Like you said you have to pay either way, that doesn't mean you have to be separated. You can pay for one to stay vacant.

[beachbum84]

Beachbum, we did watch the movie. I do see the value in it for some people, but honestly for me, it is not my cup of tea. I am NOT religious nor do I have a strong faith, in fact I really don't even believe in a higher power at all. My higher power involves Canadian Blended whiskey.. Then again I am of Irish decent.

 

I have comitted to change, in fact I already have. The reality is that Donewrong needs to prove to me that she has and will also. So far she is pointed in the right direction. Will I ever trust her again? Maybe. Will I ever blindly trust her again? No.

 

That is exactly my point. Let it go dude. She can't prove anything to you if you aren't willing to see it. You really think, thinking like this is helpful? If so, to whom? You! And your peace of mind. You got back on this ride, and you'll just have to see where it goes. You can't control her, no can she to you. If you work on your faults, you must have faith that she is likewise, and at some point you both will get the chance to "prove" it to each other. Try to worry less about her and her progress, for it is hindering you. It is keeping you from being fully open and welcoming to change.

[What_Next]

Beachbum, thanks for clearing up your impressions.

 

Let it go? Really? Heck no. I have no intentions of "letting it go", sweeping it under the rug or pretending it didn't happen. I have all the intentions of learning to deal with it the proper way. With the help of MC and communication we can learn to cope with the past and build a solid future.

 

It is obvious you and I have VERY different philosophies and that is fine. Your way of looking at the world differs greatly from mine.

 

Living arrangements? That stays the same. We'll gradually spend more time together as our relationship improves. For now we try and talk during the evenings and spend a few dinners together throughout the week.

 

It's a process, if won't happen overnight. If I am wrong, then so be it, I will live with the consequences. Beachbum, you obviouly have a VERY strong faith and you talk about my heart not being into it. Well my heart is taking a backseat to my brain right now. If I had of listened to my BRAIN and not my HEART back when this all started I would have recognized the cheating from the word go and would be much further ahead than we both are now.

 

I am not trying to dis-credit what you are saying, I am saying we don't agree on the process. This is the route I am choosing.

[beachbum84]

To each their own. I do wish you the best with your approach. I hope things work out for you guys, no matter how you go about it. Okay.?.

[What_Next]

Beachbum, please don't take it as if I am upset or anything. Far from it. I have read along with your story and I will keep doing so.

 

I admire your obvious strong faith, some days I wish I had the courage to have faith in a higher power. I don't. I likely won't.

 

We just have different outlooks on what it will take to recover.

 

There are as many approaches to recovering from infedilty as there are attempted justifications by cheaters (OK I know, bad joke, but it's been a long day). Everyone finds their own way.