How I got MY wife into sex

[mem11363]

HV,

I agree you need to be realistic in life. I also believe the financial analogy can be valid in that becoming financially successful requires:

- A willingness to take risks, sometimes substantial risks

- A solid plan coupled with a high degree of determination

- An emotionally resilient posture - willingness to deal with rejection

- An absolute unwillingness to be jerked around - to be treated in a manner that their business partners would not tolerate in reverse

 

Most folks apply that same mindset to their marriages do not get treated in the highly unbalanced manner many posters describe.

 

If a teacher slacks off immediately after getting tenure we all cry foul and feel ill used. Yet within our marriages, many tolerate that exact behavior - that punishment for saying the words "til death do us part"

 

 

 

There are three possibilities: you're right is only one of them.

 

The guy who says he will remain poor might win a million quid on the lottery the following week.

 

The one who says he will get rich might try every half-witted, half-baked money-making scheme in the world and be nailed into his coffin tired, disappointed and still dirt poor.

 

To say that state of mind and attitude can achieve anything is disingenuous. I got my leg broken up in a vehicle accident years ago and have asthma. Telling myself I will be a superb athlete is NOT going to make these things go away.

[tnttim]

There are three possibilities: you're right is only one of them.

 

The guy who says he will remain poor might win a million quid on the lottery the following week.

 

The one who says he will get rich might try every half-witted, half-baked money-making scheme in the world and be nailed into his coffin tired, disappointed and still dirt poor.

 

To say that state of mind and attitude can achieve anything is disingenuous. I got my leg broken up in a vehicle accident years ago and have asthma. Telling myself I will be a superb athlete is NOT going to make these things go away.

 

You are missing the point, who is more likely to become rich? Even if the poor man with a poor man's attitude won the lotto, he would more than likely spend all the money because he has a self defeating attitude.

[tnttim]

 

BTW, did your wife appreciate your new found skills at picking up women...and your new found realization that you have that effect on women? (Hint...many women would see that as a negative not a positive...a married man flirting with single women at a bar).

 

 

It's not flirting, it's just talking. I did not ask for her number, or take it to the next step. I probably could of, but I'm very happy in my M, and if I wasn't happy, I would work that out within the M.

 

My W loves the fact that all these woman want me, but she gets to take me home. It in so many words says she is prettier, smarter, and the more dominant female.

 

Do you think woman obsessed over the Tickle Me Elmo doll because it was cute, or because so many other mothers wanted it, and it was in low supply?

 

Good old supply and demand can work for you too, but you have to create the demand, and as far as I know there is only 1 of me. That's high demand low supply. Believe me when I say that attention from other females is a good thing in a marriage, but you have to know your limits. I only talk, it's the females that want to take it that next step.

[alaskafire08]

Sorry, I didn't read all of the OP but just want to make a small comment on what I did read. Pleasing anyone is finding out what they want and trying to learn to do whatever that is in a way that they really value. Pleasing someone else is not about doing what you think they should respond to.

 

For example, I've had women who have given me head but the dynamic seemed to be all about their indulgence of themselves and their "expectation" that what they do "should be" what I want and the way I want it. Some think they were so exciting that I'd just come in their mouth a minute in. I really don't like that. If it persists, I move on. I've only had long term relationships with women who get used to the fact that we both should expect to learn what we like and the way we like it and make progress doing what they want.

 

Personally I wince at cumminmg "inside" the upstairs or downstairs orifices and I love having a girl put a finger or vibrator up my butt and pull it out slow while I come. If she's all fixated on how she likes to swallow and freaks out about the enjoyment of my prostate stimulation through the butt hole, it'd really be all about her having it all her way. So why should I take cues from her and try to be good at what she likes? In other words I expect to change to accommodate her. I deserve to be thought of the same way. Otherwise we're just two people trying to monopolize the experience. That's a power dynamic that gets old fast.

 

 

As a woman, I'd like to put my 2 cents worth in; FeelinFrisky puts a lot into perspective for me. I think women in general think all men not only want it & like it, but they expect it! And we tend to think men want us to swallow (gotta tell ya, it's not such a thrill for us!). Think of the main act we see in porn~ going down & getting jizzed in the face (eyes, nose - where ever it flies!) then comes the scene where the bony chic starts rubbing it all over herself~ come on! We'd much rather stimulate your prostate~ trust me on this!

 

I think it boils down to great bedroom communication. It's really hard to do, since sex is still so taboo in our idiotic society - but talk & look each other in the eye!

 

Once, while texting a guy I was building a sexual relationship with, I asked how he likes his bj - he got all freaked out because no one had ever asked him that before!! We were sexting!~~ If I don't know how he likes his coffee, how could I possibly know how he likes his bj???

[Peitho]

I used the techniques on a bartender on Saturday. She was in a bad mood, you could tell by just looking at her and her reactions to people. I'm trying to help out my 32 year virgin friend. I said "watch how easy this is dude, you just have to have confidence in what your saying, what you say has very little to do with it. It's all about attitude and not letting her dictate your attitude. The second she realizes that she can act bitchy and have an effect on you, then your sunk." I ordered a beer and when she brought it to me, I said "no, I wanted a Miller." She got mad and slammed the beer into the ice and brought me Miller. Then she walked by again, and I said "Hey, I didn't want a Miller I wanted a Rolling Rock." The whole time I had a serious look on my face, she shook her head at me, smiled finally and flipped me off. When I finished my beer I asked her for the one on the ice. When she handed it to me, she had a huge smile on her face. We talked for five more minutes, and after that she was dancing and her mood completely changed.

 

I haven’t read the whole thread, but I read a little about you theory.

I thought that maybe there is something to it.

 

But with this post you totally lost me.

 

What was that silly game with a bartender about?

 

What made you think she wanted you?

 

As a wife I would really dislike my H playing those little games with women in a bar. That would be a huge turn off.

[JamesM]

What was that silly game with a bartender about?

 

What made you think she wanted you?

 

As a wife I would really dislike my H playing those little games with women in a bar. That would be a huge turn off.

 

As would mine. She would take it as a total disrespect of her.

 

Why would I need other women to want me? Why would SHE need other women to want me to feel more in love with me?

 

Perhaps we are looking at your example differently than you meant it.

[tnttim]

The bartender thing was to show my friend that it is easy to talk to women. I also wanted to show him that being super friendly, or kissing her butt does not work. It's about having a positive attitude that you'll succeed at what your doing. It's like women can smell fear, or sense that you think you're going to fail. That doesn't stop after marriage, if your wife smells fear, or senses you think you're going to fail, then she will not be turned on.

 

I treat getting my wife into sex, as trying to get a date into sex. The biggest thing is not showing that you need sex, or even want sex for that matter.

 

Now I'm not saying you do this all the time, I hope you guys got that point. If you kept it up, she would think you were simply not interested anymore. This is like starting a business, once you get it going you can lay back and reap the benefits.

[Honorable_Venerable]

This is like starting a business, once you get it going you can lay back and reap the benefits.

Oddly enough, most of the successful business owners I know have to keep working all the time - that it's 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration!

[Honorable_Venerable]

]There seem to be a number of views which are at odds with reality. Not just here at LS, they seem to be relatively widely held.

 

 

The first is that if you really, really, want something you’ll achieve it, no matter what. That positive attitude can achieve anything.

 

The second is that somehow human relationships are like arithmetic, gravity or thermodynamics – invariant throughout the universe. That A+B produces C+D under all circumstances

 

Believing either of these will, however, not make it so. It may well be that positive attitudes help and certain tricks work some of the time, but pretending these are universally applicable is disingenuous, unhelpful and potentially downright destructive.

[tnttim]

]There seem to be a number of views which are at odds with reality. Not just here at LS, they seem to be relatively widely held.

 

 

The first is that if you really, really, want something you’ll achieve it, no matter what. That positive attitude can achieve anything..

 

Well in my life I can say that a positive attitude has accomplished way more than my negative attitude has. I never said you can accomplish anything, that preposterous. You have to have a realistic obtainable goal first. Then the positive attitude part can help you reach your goal rather than the negative that hampers and holds you back.

The second is that somehow human relationships are like arithmetic, gravity or thermodynamics – invariant throughout the universe. That A+B produces C+D under all circumstances

 

Believing either of these will, however, not make it so. It may well be that positive attitudes help and certain tricks work some of the time, but pretending these are universally applicable is disingenuous, unhelpful and potentially downright destructive.

Its funny when I search the forums I seem to find a host of people in the same situation I was in. I changed my situation by following advice others used. We are all different in every way but you're narrowminded if you think we are not also a lot alike in every way as well.

 

Why are your here by the way. Most come to LS to seek solutions, feel acceptance, or offer advice. All you seem to do is attack other posters for their so called lack of intelligence. HV its plain and simple, I accomplished what others are trying to accomplish. But instead of just leaving the site I decided to stick around and offer some advice and hopefully help someone out. By the way did you notice the title of this thread is how I got MY wife into sex, did you notice the MY was capitalized. Meaning this worked for me on my wife MAYBE it will work on yours.

[giotto]

Well in my life I can say that a positive attitude has accomplished way more than my negative attitude has.

 

I've been very positive recently and stopped caring about sex... stopped acting like I want it all the time... funnily enough, our frequency has gone down to once a month again... from 3 times/months... I must be doing something wrong, or simply what I predicted is happening: if don't ask for sex, I just don't get it... my wife feels under pressure regardless of what I do... I'm contemplating divorce right now...

[JamesM]

]

The second is that somehow human relationships are like arithmetic, gravity or thermodynamics – invariant throughout the universe. That A+B produces C+D under all circumstances

 

 

While I agree with some of what you said, I do think that MOST of the time A + B will equal C. However, there are exceptions. Tnttim has shared his successes that some of us may find help. And I think that some of what he did will help us. It is up to us to determine what helps and what does not.

 

To throw it all out because every situation is different is preposterous.

 

By the way did you notice the title of this thread is how I got MY wife into sex, did you notice the MY was capitalized. Meaning this worked for me on my wife MAYBE it will work on yours.

 

And I have found some things that have worked for me. Sharing our successes is why others find success. Not everyone will have the same success with the same solutions, but it is quite likely that many will have the same results.

 

I've been very positive recently and stopped caring about sex... stopped acting like I want it all the time... funnily enough, our frequency has gone down to once a month again... from 3 times/months..

 

At least you are feeling positive about it.

[tnttim]

I've been very positive recently and stopped caring about sex... stopped acting like I want it all the time... funnily enough, our frequency has gone down to once a month again... from 3 times/months... I must be doing something wrong, or simply what I predicted is happening: if don't ask for sex, I just don't get it... my wife feels under pressure regardless of what I do... I'm contemplating divorce right now...

 

First give her time to accept these changes are really gonna stick. My wife says she still feels pressured even though I never pressure her. Sorry bud but old habits die hard.

 

I'm glad to hear about the change in attitude. Now you have to make her horny. Before the drought what got her in the mood? Or try to remember a day when she was horny out of the blue. She has a trigger and you can find it if you experiment a little. For women its usually an emotional trigger, maybe seeing you dressed up because you normally don't dress up. Whatever it is its something you can mimic guaranteed. A good one that has worked in the past for me is saying "you keep on trying to seduce me, play your cards right and ill let you test out your skills." the point you want to convey is that you are hard to get, you have standards and she has to meet them to get sex from you. Don't argue, it works.

 

Okay if your gonna divorce why don't you find a new woman first. Maybe you'll find out its been you all along.

[JamesM]

Okay if your gonna divorce why don't you find a new woman first. Maybe you'll find out its been you all along.

 

Ouch.

 

It may be neither and may simply be the two of them together.

 

And getting another woman first will guarantee at least one thing...giotto will find sexual happiness outside of his marriage and cause greater damage than if he simply separated and divorced.

[giotto]

Or try to remember a day when she was horny out of the blue. She has a trigger and you can find it if you experiment a little.

 

she was never horny "out of the blue"... she asked for sex (i.e. initiating) twice in 25 years... trigger? It's the one I'm going to pull soon... on myself... only joking...

 

Okay if your gonna divorce why don't you find a new woman first. Maybe you'll find out its been you all along.

 

Ah, ah... there's plenty of women flirting with me, but my wife doesn't get to see it... I don't want to sound arrogant, but I don't think I would have a problem "pulling".... lol

[giotto]

giotto will find sexual happiness outside of his marriage and cause greater damage than if he simply separated and divorced.

 

don't worry, James, I would never do that... I just feel a touch under-appreciated at the moment...

[Jack & Coke]

Why don't both of you try this e book series I have. The way the author explains the problem, and then the solution makes so much sense. It has very counter intuitive thinking in it, but like I said it makes so much sense it's insane. Send me your e-mail address if you want to give it a try. It has really worked wonders for my relationship as a whole, not just the sex part. Now my W opens up to me more, and likes cuddling with me. It is like we had a time machine and traveled back to when we first met. When the feelings start to subside, I just use his technique and they eventually come back again. 5 months and counting, which from what I read from your posts, trumps any technique any of us has used in the past. BTW, I am a firm disbeliever in MC, I think if you need professional help to teach you to love then you might as well get a D, but that's just my 2 cents on it.

 

Could you send me the e-books as well? [email protected]. Thanks!

[rewe4reel]

Gentlemen,

 

IME, if the woman in your life really loves you, she will get upset with you if you don't have sex with her when she's "in the mood."

 

This happens not just with my wife, currently, but has happened with prior gf's. (Not always obviously LOL, they certainly didn't all "love" me!)

 

I simply don't know what to say about being in a relationship with a woman who never ever expresses either an actual or even a theoretical desire to have sex with her man.

 

I don't see how such a woman could possibly be considered to "love" her husband in any truly meaningful, authentic sense of the word.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I saw this article and thought of you guys on this thread. Honestly, I just don't know you all hang in there. I don't know if I would be strong enough to stay with someone under the circumstances - particularly the circumstances in this article, where women actively seek out excuses not to have to have sex.

[giotto]

I saw this article and thought of you guys on this thread. Honestly, I just don't know you all hang in there. I don't know if I would be strong enough to stay with someone under the circumstances - particularly the circumstances in this article, where women actively seek out excuses not to have to have sex.

 

thanks for that... I haven't read the whole thing yet, but it sounds terribly familiar...

[tnttim]

I'll paraphrase some parts of the article, and show you where the book would help.

 

And the reason for this rather bizarre performance? Lissa would go to almost any lengths not to have sex with her husband.

 

He says that women get in the habit of rejecting men because they always approach them for sex at bad times. The women is not in the mood and she rejects him, after a while it turns into an unconscience habit, like over eating, biting your nails, etc. The women in the articles husband must have been very pushy for sex because she developed an elaborate act. The husband could have stopped approaching her for sex in such a weak manner, and then get her in the habit of accepting his invitations.

 

Clearly, many married women are feeling pressure to have more sex than they'd like and, worse, feeling that there might be something wrong with them. But what if there was nothing wrong with them at all?

 

The husband is probably reinforcing these feelings by telling her she has a low libido, or telling her it's her fault. Again the wife feels obligated to have sex, now sex is just another chore for her.

 

 

but I'm always cautious about being too touchy-feely, as I don't want it to lead to other things

 

Now she doesn't even want to cuddle because the husband has turned every cuddling session into a gateway to sex. So he expects sex when she wants to cuddle. Ever wonder why your wife doesn't want to cuddle, or doesn't want a back rub, or tells you "yes you can rub my back, but no sex." She now associates back rubbing, cuddling, affection to attempts for sex.

 

'Poor Andrew is always telling me that I should go to the GP because there always seems to be something wrong with me.'

Ouch, her husband is telling her it's her fault, and she even calls him poor Andrew like she feels sorry for him. Ladies, do any of you get turned on by a man you feel sorry for?

 

 

After all, surely that would mean they would be more likely to remain faithful to the father of their children, not finding other men alluring. It would also mean they would focus more intently on nurturing their offspring.

whoever wrote this article needs to come to LS and read some threads. How far from the truth is the above statement.

 

 

Lissa pinpoints the decline of her libido as occurring after her second child was born 14 years ago.

 

Now the article contradicts itself, because they say women in their 40's but it started 14 years ago making her 26.

 

'From an endocrine (hormonal) point of view, there's no change in the levels of the three main female sex hormones oestrogen, progesterone and prolactin after a woman has children.

Good old science confirms that women have the capabilities, but there is a mystery in why more women are rejecting their husbands. Maybe it's the husband's attitude and attempts at getting sex.

 

But, more than that, suddenly sex felt like such a chore. I just couldn't be bothered.

 

Yet more evidence that husband turned sex into a chore.

 

 

My 25 year old friend is going through the same thing with his girlfriend. They have no kids, and hardly any stress, but yet they have sex 1-3 times a month. I gave him some advise and he is starting to see a little bit of a change, but he is not fully commited to what I'm telling him. He, like most of us married men did the same thing that ended up killing her sex drive.

 

Thanks for posting the article

 

 

[JamesM]

Ironically, tnttim, your summary and conclusions simply can be summarized in one sentence....

 

"It is the husband's fault that his wife does not like sex."

 

And hence....

 

"If the husband changes, then he will have abundant sex."

 

While that may be true in some cases, it certainly is not true in all cases and I doubt in even most cases. Many other reasons were given with other women including work stress, children stress, housework stress, lack of personal time stress. Point being is...I could simply say that stress is the reason, but I would be missing the many other aspects.

 

My conclusion is that in Lissa's case, it is the result of a failing marriage which cannot be blamed only on the husband. Lissa is going out of her way to avoid discussing the issue with her husband. If she loved him as much as she says and he loved her, then she would do what she could to fix her marriage. But she is happy without sex and he is not. She does not really care for her husband and her marriage as much as she enjoys her current life. Her position is very selfish and totally goes against the commitment she made to her husband. I have no doubt that he could make changes, too, but I don't see that one sided change from him will cause huge improvements.

 

Nothing will change until her world is rocked. Even if he changes, she will assume that he only wants sex. So it may cause some short term success, but unless she learns to empathize with her husband and learns to realize that her avoidance of sex and lack on interest to change is actually a disrespect of her husband and show how shallow her love really is for him...well, this marriage will never change.

 

I respect your conclusion that change in the husband's behavior will cause an increase in her libido, but I don't think that this case will be that simple...nor will many of the cases they cited.

 

LB, thanks for the article.

[giotto]

well, I do think Lissa's being extremely selfish... she comes across like "she can't be bothered"... what kind of love is she showing to her husband? From personal experience, though, I know it's very difficult to turn on a woman who has zero libido. In this case it's much more a mental thing... I must say I contributed to our "impasse" by putting too much pressure on my wife to have sex. She now says she associates it with something negative and she hates that. She also has mental issues, so the combination of the two has been lethal for our sex life. She has a huge mental block about it. And as I said before, if I don't hint, we never has sex... we've had sex once in 45 days recently, but last night she promised me... obviously she is thinking about me, but our "once e week" deal is turning into the usual twice a month, if I'm lucky... I'm not putting much emphasis on sex now, I just can't be bothered myself now! So, let's see what happens (probably nothing... ).

[giotto]

Lisa (Lissa?) Robinson, the woman quoted in the article, is obviously cheating on her husband.

 

Of course she's not going to reveal that in a magazine article, using her real name and picture.

 

But that is UNdoubtedly what is really going on.

 

just a question, out of curiosity... do you think that all the women who don't want or don't feel like having sex with their husbands are cheating?

[giotto]

 

A 40 year old woman doesn't suddenly lose sexual desire, entirely.

 

My wife did, gradually, after our second child, at 33, and now completely at 47... have you ever been in a "sexless" marriage? Have you ever talked to a woman who's lost her sex drive? What do you know about these situations?