Bored of topics posted of late....

[Toodamnpragmatic]

For me, a reasonable debate is based on facts and evidence--reality, not perception. If that's a "female trait", I'll own it happily

 

 

 

I really don't understand it, but there are plenty of men here on LS saying that "all men" do just that because they are "programmed" to sleep with lots of women...that monogamy is not "natural" for men. I'm not making that argument, but that seems to be how some men justify jeopardizing their happy family for some strange. The only explanation I can offer you is that which men have given themselves.

 

I give..... I thought here on the marriage board it is pretty obvious that most men would only cheat for one reason...... They feel they are not getting it at home.... Plain and simple. Again there are those claiming they are programmed to cheat and those "no longer in love"..... Majority though just unhappy with their sex lives. Find me some saying otherwise.

[Lizzie60]

I have to agree with Toodamn... MOST men complain about not getting enough at home.. even colleagues joke about being 'sex starved' I have no idea if they are cheating or not..

 

Most women also know this.. but they just don't want to admit it... it's that simple... I would bet my life that even female LSer would not admit to have a low sex drive... I am not sure what it is.. but it's like that... they'll say that it's not the BS's fault.. that they have a strong sex drive.. but the H still choose to cheat... gimme a break..

 

Those who have lots of sex at home.. are certainly NOT the majority of cheaters..

 

Even those H who complain that their W has gain weight.. has let herself go... blablabla... would not cheat if they had enough sex at home...

 

but then.. I can understand women with low libidos... I once had a verrrry low libido..with my first ex.. I know..

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I have to agree with Toodamn... MOST men complain about not getting enough at home.. even colleagues joke about being 'sex starved' I have no idea if they are cheating or not..

 

Most women also know this.. but they just don't want to admit it... it's that simple... I would bet my life that even female LSer would not admit to have a low sex drive... I am not sure what it is.. but it's like that... they'll say that it's not the BS's fault.. that they have a strong sex drive.. but the H still choose to cheat... gimme a break..

 

Those who have lots of sex at home.. are certainly NOT the majority of cheaters..

 

Even those H who complain that their W has gain weight.. has let herself go... blablabla... would not cheat if they had enough sex at home...

 

but then.. I can understand women with low libidos... I once had a verrrry low libido..with my first ex.. I know..

 

I can have my issues with her, but certainly appreciate the support here..... Really seems to me a no-brainer.....

 

Is it that you want to think that men cheat because they really are PIGS????

[threebyfate]

and have proved my point.... Yes I admit it is observational, but why would any male 35-50 with a family jeopardize it all if he had an attractive sexually happy/available wife????

There are all kinds of reasons why people cheat of which one main problem is the need for external sexual validation, tied into a boat load of selfishness.

[Lizzie60]

I can have my issues with her, but certainly appreciate the support here..... Really seems to me a no-brainer.....

 

Is it that you want to think that men cheat because they really are PIGS????[/QUOTE]

 

 

Not at all.. I never said cheating men were pigs... far from it... as far as I'm concerned my MMs are great guys... great fathers.. amazing lovers.. and they love their family and that includes their W... they are just tired of begging for something that once was given without arguments...

 

I once told my bf (first ex) to cheat if he wanted to... see how nice I was..

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I can have my issues with her, but certainly appreciate the support here..... Really seems to me a no-brainer.....

 

Is it that you want to think that men cheat because they really are PIGS????[/QUOTE]

 

 

Not at all.. I never said cheating men were pigs... far from it... as far as I'm concerned my MMs are great guys... great fathers.. amazing lovers.. and they love their family and that includes their W... they are just tired of begging for something that once was given without arguments...

 

I once told my bf (first ex) to cheat if he wanted to... see how nice I was..

 

It's all the other women who refuse to answer the question.... If it is not about the lack of sex at home, anyone who cheats, cheats because they are a PIG.....

[Toodamnpragmatic]

There are all kinds of reasons why people cheat of which one main problem is the need for external sexual validation, tied into a boat load of selfishness.

 

So you think that is why men cheat? If that is the case, the need for validation in many cases is because they are GETTING IT at home....... So are you agreeing with me?????

[threebyfate]

So you think that is why men cheat? If that is the case, the need for validation in many cases is because they are GETTING IT at home....... So are you agreeing with me?????

No, I`m not agreeing with you at all. To what degree does the man need external sexual validation, is the point I`m making. In otherwords, when it becomes a vampiric or multiple woman need rather than a reasonable need, there are serious problems within the cheater.

 

Would you be satisfied with sex 5 - 7 nights a week?

[crazycatlady]

and have proved my point.... Yes I admit it is observational, but why would any male 35-50 with a family jeopardize it all if he had an attractive sexually happy/available wife????

 

 

H is 35 so the low end of the scale given. He considers me very attractive even though I'm fat (but his taste runs to fat women sis/OW is bigger then me).

 

I would GLADLY have sex daily, twice a day if he hit me up in the afternoon for a quickie (love afternoon sex, lets just jump to it quickie, I'm almost always horny then don't even care about the foreplay). I offer blow jobs if we are home alone and don't have time to do anything else. I send flirty text with naked pictures sometimes to tease.

 

Affairs are not always about sex. As strange as that sounds.

 

That said.....I would have to say about 60% of the men I know who are cheating are doing so because of lack of sex at home. Or some type of sex issue at home. I've heard some of the wives talk about how sex has become a commodity between them, he does this and gets that, or I'm mad at home so no sex etc etc It blows my mind that these women are shocked when their spouse has an affair. Especially the few that I know who don't allow their spouses to even masterbate. I mean wtf are they thinking??

 

Just like it I wouldn't be shocked to find one female friend who is constantly put down by her H has an affair for selfesteem reasons.

 

When something is missing at home, THAT is what causes affairs 90% of the time. That something missing might be sex but it could be something entirely different. If I'm feeling a need is not being met, I won't engage in an outside thing (allowed because we are open). Its too easy for affection to grow when you allow something outside. And while my H is polyamorous, I'm not, and our relationship would suffer because of it. I've always known this would happen to me since we opened up the marriage, so I don't even risk it and instead try and explain to H what my need is that I need filled by him.

[Luv2dance]

 

It's all the other women who refuse to answer the question.... If it is not about the lack of sex at home, anyone who cheats, cheats because they are a PIG.....

 

I would assume that the lack of sex at home would make up a large number of cheaters, and that they aren't all PIGS. However, the problem becomes who decides what is ENOUGH sex and are the men really trying to get to the source of the problem before jumping into the bed of another woman??

 

I am also positive there are PIGS who cheat just because they can

[SarahRose]

I have to agree with Toodamn... MOST men complain about not getting enough at home.. even colleagues joke about being 'sex starved' I have no idea if they are cheating or not..

 

Most women also know this.. but they just don't want to admit it... it's that simple... I would bet my life that even female LSer would not admit to have a low sex drive... I am not sure what it is.. but it's like that... they'll say that it's not the BS's fault.. that they have a strong sex drive.. but the H still choose to cheat... gimme a break..

 

Those who have lots of sex at home.. are certainly NOT the majority of cheaters..

 

Even those H who complain that their W has gain weight.. has let herself go... blablabla... would not cheat if they had enough sex at home...

 

but then.. I can understand women with low libidos... I once had a verrrry low libido..with my first ex.. I know..

 

 

They may very well be lying just to go along with the group.

 

There are plenty plenty of sex-starved wives and NO man is going to admit he isn't all that crazy about sex, especially in public among his peers.

[Lizzie60]

 

I would assume that the lack of sex at home would make up a large number of cheaters, and that they aren't all PIGS. However, the problem becomes who decides what is ENOUGH sex and are the men really trying to get to the source of the problem before jumping into the bed of another woman??

 

I am also positive there are PIGS who cheat just because they can

 

Gawd... do they ever... they get tired of nagging.. begging for pity sex..

[Lizzie60]

They may very well be lying just to go along with the group.

 

There are plenty plenty of sex-starved wives and NO man is going to admit he isn't all that crazy about sex, especially in public among his peers.

 

I'm sure there are sex-starved wives.. but if you compare to men...it's a grain of sand in the desert..

[SarahRose]

I'm sure there are sex-starved wives.. but if you compare to men...it's a grain of sand in the desert..

 

You may think that but it is a lot more than you would think. It just isn't as public and popular topic as sex starved men.

[Woggle]

Sex starved wives are a pretty new thing and I don't blame these men. Sex is great but it is sometimes actually better to just close yourself and wack off instead of sleeping with a woman who probably spent the day yelling at you and nagging over every little thing. Women have been cutting men off for years so why can't men do the same?

[Stung]

ok, well being new I'm hardly expected to sift through every post of every registered member to get a grasp on who's bonking who with who and how.

anyway - no I won't try and convince you otherwise - I agree that men tend to have affairs because they're "getting none". But you have to wonder, why are they not getting any?

 

 

I'm sure there are men who cheat for this reason. There are, however plenty of men who cheat just because they can, or they are hardwired more for polygamy, or they want an ego boost, or they are stressed at work, or they are falling out of love...the list is long.

 

I think the point of this thread is simply that TDP always bristles whenever anyone suggests that a wife might not be putting out because she is unsatisfied sexually with her husband. I imagine that is the truth in some cases, TDP, but it is not necessarily a reflection on you, anymore than it is necessarily the case that all the female BS' in the Infidelity forum were refusing to sleep with their husbands.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I'm sure there are men who cheat for this reason. There are, however plenty of men who cheat just because they can, or they are hardwired more for polygamy, or they want an ego boost, or they are stressed at work, or they are falling out of love...the list is long.

 

I think the point of this thread is simply that TDP always bristles whenever anyone suggests that a wife might not be putting out because she is unsatisfied sexually with her husband. I imagine that is the truth in some cases, TDP, but it is not necessarily a reflection on you, anymore than it is necessarily the case that all the female BS' in the Infidelity forum were refusing to sleep with their husbands.

 

I bristle at the fact it is brought up as a defense mechanism so often. I simply stated my view that the vast majority of men who cheat do so because of a lack of sex at home. I also think that if a man got sex 2-4X's a week 90% probably would be over the moon satisfied with that.

 

Yes I am throwing out numbers, but only because the ones at either end of the spectrum (the daily men and those 1X/mth or less) are very rare.

 

Please don't bombard me telling me that you and all your 40+ year old friends get it daily or never...... Sorry just not the norm....

 

Today David Arquette was on Howard Stern candidly talking about him and Courtney Cox doing it 1X/wk and he wanted more and she did not..... An all too common refrain, but to me it sounded just about right, and if it went to 2X's/wk he'd be thrilled.....

[xxoo]

Today David Arquette was on Howard Stern candidly talking about him and Courtney Cox doing it 1X/wk and he wanted more and she did not..... An all too common refrain, but to me it sounded just about right, and if it went to 2X's/wk he'd be thrilled.....

 

But is this a reason to cheat? Is this sexual neglect?

 

I agree that daily or never is not the norm. Research suggests the norm is probably 1-3x a week. That is what MOST couples have. Yet, 50-80% of men (and maybe women) cheat. Many, many of them will fall into the range of "normal" frequency, although it may be less than one partner likes. If sex is 1x a week, is that justification for cheating?

 

Many, many people cheat. Few are having sex 1x a month. That means many are cheating while having regular sex at home, although it may be less than they like. At what point is cheating justified? At what point is the cheater simply selfish?

[wien7777]

At what point is the cheater simply selfish?

 

They are not unselfish at any point. If you have a problem, talk it out or if need be, leave. But you do not cheat.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

But is this a reason to cheat? Is this sexual neglect?

 

I agree that daily or never is not the norm. Research suggests the norm is probably 1-3x a week. That is what MOST couples have. Yet, 50-80% of men (and maybe women) cheat. Many, many of them will fall into the range of "normal" frequency, although it may be less than one partner likes. If sex is 1x a week, is that justification for cheating?

 

Many, many people cheat. Few are having sex 1x a month. That means many are cheating while having regular sex at home, although it may be less than they like. At what point is cheating justified? At what point is the cheater simply selfish?

 

I think the majority are not having regular sex or the amount they think is adequate..... Just my opinion. Yes many do cheat, though I think the % is overstated in the 35-50 range, but those that have affairs (not one night stands) are those having little at home..... and not happy....

[xxoo]

I think the majority are not having regular sex or the amount they think is adequate..... Just my opinion. Yes many do cheat, though I think the % is overstated in the 35-50 range, but those that have affairs (not one night stands) are those having little at home..... and not happy....

 

Right, but the point is that "enough" is subjective. You conceded that 1x a month is the extreme low--not typical. Typical is a more moderate amt. Still, so many cheat! Yes, they would say they have "little" at home and are not happy....but how much is "little"?

 

So, you are saying that 35-50% cheating is inflated? I hope so! But that is a lower figure than what I usually see

[JamesM]

TDP, you do not disappoint. I saw you stared a thread, and I knew it would be about sexless marriages somehow....and I had this odd feeling that I would be mentioned somehow. And I was.

 

As you said, less than three times a week is fine for me. But as you may have said, it is not the same quantity for every guy or gal. I have read of guys here who complained because they did not get sex every night.

 

 

I simply stated my view that the vast majority of men who cheat do so because of a lack of sex at home. I also think that if a man got sex 2-4X's a week 90% probably would be over the moon satisfied with that.

 

I agree and disagree. It is not simply the lack of sex as many guys here have said that they do not want pity sex. If my wife said she would have sex with me as often as I wanted simply to keep me happy even though she has no interest for herself, then eventually I would still remain unsatisfied. Why? Because for me and many guys, sex is more than simply a pleasurable release. It validates and expresses the love that our wives have for us. Women seek their validation and an expression of their husband's love in different ways. While some women see sex as very important, they see it more as being desirable to their husband (I think). Men see it as not only being desirable but also as being "the man." Many women do not see it as most men do..."My wife wants sex with me. She loves me."

 

So while most men in a sexless marriage would say that having sex that often would solve all their problems, in reality many of them would soon tire of sex which is only done to give them release and which is not done as an expression of their wives' love.

 

There are many reasons for cheating, and I do not believe that more sex would have prevented the affairs.

[giotto]

since I've been mentioned (again!), here I am...

 

there are so many reasons, it's impossible to generalise... James summarized it quite well... although I don't get as much sex as I would like (twice a week would be ok with me - but it's more once every 10 days/2 weeks), it's not just the sex. If I have sex, I want to have sex because I'm wanted and desired, not to be kept here. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure this is the reason why I'm "given" sex these days... would I cheat because of that? No, I would leave first. My wife just isn't interested in sex, she has no sex drive. Am I happy? No, but then it's also partially my fault for not taking action earlier... I suppose these days, with the children being older - I'm not too exhausted and I can actually think about resuming a proper sex relationship...

 

If I had to cheat at the moment, it would be because I don't get the connection anymore, not just because of the sex. When you are not hugged and are rejected (or feel rejected) regularly for many years, then you crave somebody who actually desire you and shows it to you... some (read mem) might say she's abused me, but I don't believe that. She didn't do it on purpose. Having said that, I was never tempted to cheat. For what I read on LS, many men cheat because they are in my position and I can't blame them..

[WalkInThePark]

I don't think cheating only happens because of the sex. For my xMM it was not so much about not getting sex at home, it was also about not being attracted to his W (same old story, she had gained weight and does not take care of her appearance).

For my xMM it is also about the intellectual connection. xMM and me can talk about basically everything. His W does not even know how to use the internet, go figure.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Because as said I was missing and bored with the topics of late and went trolling to other sections. Always find it fascinating those in the OM/OW section commiserating/encouraging/lamenting/looking for validation for something that in the end really is wrong. And those who chide and provoke them ruthlessly and with contempt. That is why I generally stay away but at times curiosity gets the better of me as there are some fascinating threads and posts.

 

xxoo I meant 35-50 year olds (not 35-50%).

 

I hate getting into this pity sex and that it is a requirement thing, and that it lacks emotion (all true). I was just stating that 2-4X's/wk, meaning having sex with a willing happy partner who orgasms and enjoys it would have 90% of males satisfied. Those that do it because their spouses are no longer attractive (i.e. weight) or not intellectually stimulating (bogus in most cases because we are talking sex not a mensa meeting) were also included in my original throwaway stats (20% I thought)....

 

Sex to me is simply at the end of the day validation from your partner that she loves you, finds you attractive, wants to be with you and a pleasurable bond between the two of you saying "that despite the differences,the stresses, the issues, the fights/disagreements we had today/yesterday/during the week, I am happy to be with you".... Oh and did I mention it is fun and yes we both orgasmed:p:D;).....

 

JamesM as always you are out thinking the room......