New Loves/Old Loves/First Loves

[Owl]

Count me odd and stingy too.

There are ex's that I care for, but I certainly don't carry a torch for them. Isn't putting down the torch part of letting go?

 

And to continue that analogy...picking up the new torch would assume that you've put down any old ones to allow you to do so.

[NoIDidn't]

No flames here. I like to finish my Rs when they end. No hatred involved, but no flames are ever left burning.

 

There is, of course, physical attraction left to some. But I doubt I ever really loved those ones ever. Sexual chemistry does not equal love for me.

 

I must be the "odd guy out" here.

 

When I love someone...it's with all of my heart. That doesn't leave room for anyone else to maintain a foothold.

 

I've "been in love" with women prior to meeting my wife. I'm no longer "in love" with them, nor do I have any kind of desire/interest/whatever in maintaining any kind of relationship with any of those women.

 

When my mom passed away about six years ago, I went back home for her funeral, and while there I ran into two of those "old flames". It was nice to see that they were doing well. But I had NO desire to "reconnect" or to maintain any contact with them beyond that passing moment of running into them.

 

I'm devoted to my wife. Not only do I not have any desire to rekindle anything with any of those "old flames", I'm also well aware of the risks in even trying to maintain a friendship with them. I've seen too many friends get caught up in that trap...and since my time coming here, too many stories of affairs starting because of that kind of scenario.

 

Guess I've got a shallow heart, or I'm stingy with it...cause there's only room in there for one "love" at a time, and I'm not willing to open it up further than that.

 

Not the odd man out, Owl. I said as much earlier. I don't carry old flames either.

 

I don't think its a matter of being "stingy". A firm boundary, maybe?

[OWoman]

Not the odd man out' date=' Owl. I said as much earlier. I don't carry old flames either. [/quote']

 

 

Me neither. I was never much into history - I prefer the present far too much

[Woggle]

I used to have feelings for the woman my ex used to be because I do have fond memories of those times but with recent events I just feel nothing but pity for her. She is truly a sad and pathetic person. The love is dead and I thank god we got divorced when we did. Her and my current wife who I am very hot for are the only times I have truly been in love. I have dated other women and while I have good memories of them I was never in love

[JoyDevine]

Count me odd and stingy too.

There are ex's that I care for, but I certainly don't carry a torch for them. Isn't putting down the torch part of letting go?

 

Not if you never stopped loving the person. - true love never dies -

Although, to be honest through the years I would not say that I have carried a torch. I did know that I have not loved anyone else like I loved him. (or felt loved by anyone else like I felt it from him). But I knew that that was in the past. It was history.

 

But when he contacted me it all came back.

I'm not going to lose contact with him again - even though we can't be together.

This is morbid but.... he's late middle age, he smokes... Life is short. I was really conscious of that when I was trying to do NC.

Sometimes it's not so bad. I think it helps that we live so far apart, and that I've accepted that won't be together.

[JoyDevine]

Joy, try to take what you can from it and enjoy it whether it be a friendship or other type of bond. It doesn't have to be an A, but whatever it is, don't let it get you down. Friendships are supposed to build you up!

Great advice! And I'm following it.

 

Sorry to hear it Joy, I have literally been there and done that for 9 years. It's no fun.. hurts like hell in fact. In the end, you may end up alone anyway.

 

No advise, just good luck.

 

Thank you. I read your story. It was heart wrenching.

Good luck to you too.

[Stung]

I don't know why people would get into another relationship when they are carrying a torch for someone else.

 

 

Nor do I. I understand casually dating others while still keeping a flame burning for 'the one that got away,' but getting involved in a committed relationship?

 

I guess I don't work that way, anyway. No flames here. I look back on my former lovers and relationships as learning experiences, nothing more. Some of them taught me very painful lessons, others I see how it could have worked out but I also see clearly why it didn't, and I just accept it as a diverged path and am actually grateful things worked out the way they did, as it led me to where I am now. I love my husband with the whole of my heart.

Edited March 28, 2010 by Stung

[Stung]

Because the one they carry a torch for is unhealthy for them or abusive. I guess by your thinking I would be doomed to be single my whole life.

 

 

Not at all. I had been in love before I met my husband, deeply, sometimes tragically. I had to choose myself, when the love was unhealthy. I carried the torch of lost and painful love.

 

But I learned how to drop it.

 

I don't believe we are doomed to one emotional cycle. I had some issues, I chose the wrong men, I involved myself in painful situations, so I studied myself and my patterns, went into therapy, worked at exorcizing my demons and remodeling my interior life. I analyzed and learned from my mistakes, and saw my former relationships at a remove. Distance blossomed, the cool relief of objectivity. It's not exactly an easy process but it's certainly worthwhile; I chose a different life and a different love and I worked for it.

 

And I'm so glad I did. You couldn't pay me to rekindle any past affairs. I am deeply in love with my husband and our relationship is healthy and stable in a way I had never experienced before.

Edited March 28, 2010 by Stung

[mourningMM]

No flames here. I look back on my former lovers and relationships as learning experiences, nothing more.

 

I don't know...it isn't flames any more, just residual warmth. A really deep caring and concern for a person who was important in my growth.

 

I don't see loving someone as still being tied to them, or holding a torch for them with live flames flickering. Although it probably does indicate that I stink at boundaries.

 

I think the image of a tie isn't really right for me...two pieces twined around each other...I see it more as a thin, almost web-like line of energy that doesn't really ever get severed.

 

I think that if any of the people (friends, lovers, whatever) that I had a real strong relationship with in the past needed or wanted my help, even if we had had a falling out, I'd want to be there for them.

 

Even if they aren't part of my present or my future, I still feel that ... connection. And maybe it is the Catholic in me, but I feel an obligation to (within my own limits) support them in something positive and healthy for their growth.

 

Even this long after the divorce, if my ex wanted to go to therapy to resolve something, I'd feel the obligation. Even though an ex-BF has married, if he feels a sense of loneliness, I feel the obligation to talk...most frequently telling him he needs to work on his connection to his new wife.

 

Maybe I like the control of telling people what I think they need to hear; or maybe it is that I never really feel that I had the chance to be heard when the relationship ended.

 

I don't know. It is a conundrum.

[NoIDidn't]

I don't know...it isn't flames any more, just residual warmth. A really deep caring and concern for a person who was important in my growth.

 

Could it be that we are just arguing semantics? Torch vs. warmth? I still care for some of my exes. I even acknowledge that I still feel love for them. They will always be fondly remembered. But there is no longing. No connection left. I severed it. I moved on.

 

I don't see loving someone as still being tied to them, or holding a torch for them with live flames flickering. Although it probably does indicate that I stink at boundaries.

 

I think the image of a tie isn't really right for me...two pieces twined around each other...I see it more as a thin, almost web-like line of energy that doesn't really ever get severed.

 

I think that if any of the people (friends, lovers, whatever) that I had a real strong relationship with in the past needed or wanted my help, even if we had had a falling out, I'd want to be there for them.

 

Even if they aren't part of my present or my future, I still feel that ... connection. And maybe it is the Catholic in me, but I feel an obligation to (within my own limits) support them in something positive and healthy for their growth.

 

Even this long after the divorce, if my ex wanted to go to therapy to resolve something, I'd feel the obligation. Even though an ex-BF has married, if he feels a sense of loneliness, I feel the obligation to talk...most frequently telling him he needs to work on his connection to his new wife.

 

Maybe I like the control of telling people what I think they need to hear; or maybe it is that I never really feel that I had the chance to be heard when the relationship ended.

 

I don't know. It is a conundrum.

 

LOL. I would agree that with you on that you stink at boundaries. Everything you listed is a pretty significant boundary issue. And they will create unnnecessary hardship for you in the future. You don't have to agree to therapy just because the ex might want it. You aren't obligated to talk to the lonely MM, even if you did date him before he M'd. There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling the ex to go to therapy alone. Or telling the lonely MM to talk to his W.

 

I don't think one can move on into healthy Rs holding on to all these obligations to others. How is a new BF going to feel when you tell them you are obligated to talk to your lonely, but married ex? (rhetorical question)

[mourningMM]

I don't think one can move on into healthy Rs holding on to all these obligations to others.

 

Point taken. It may just be the right time to re-enter therapy and develop some really strong boundaries.

 

Thought to ponder before bedtime.

 

Thanks.