New Loves/Old Loves/First Loves

[pureinheart]

After burning through six Olympic games, I'm happy and content to say the flame has finally run out of gas

 

Seriously.

 

This is a good thing right? LOL...hey forgive me, I had to go to the DMV and pay all of the fees that CA has put on us for this, that and everything inbetween...

 

Well you've got more gas for someone else, right?

[pureinheart]

I'm not exactly a spring chicken, but hopefully it might be inline with others near my age. I've had 6 LTR's counting my present one and includes 2 marriages.

 

No flames.......although I do feel a sense of sadness and I have regrets that my second marriage did not work out. I suppose it has a lot to do with that he is the father of both of my girls. I would not want to revisit it. Another one of my LTR's also makes me feel sad but yet I would not revisit it regardless of circumstances.

 

My 1st marriage.....and a couple of the other relationships I look back and think my gosh.......what was I thinking?? One of the LTR's I can be quite forgiving of myself about it as I was quite young and ignorance can be aplenty in our youth.

 

Like you BB, I have a couple I liked and a coupled I liked to forget...

 

And also like you am no spring chic, although my son and me watched Kirstie Alley's new show, "My Big Life" and got real encouraged about getting fit...am so out of shape, depressed, and just plain BBBLLLAAAHHHH.

 

You know, it's not about just loosing weight, it's about being healthy...I used to be soooo healthy.

[pureinheart]

The only fire that sparks in my heart is the flame of my current romance with My Sweetheart.

 

I still care for and even love some of the men/boys (was i ever that young) that I dated in the past, but the spark died long ago, and i have no torches burning other than the bonfire of my current relationship.

 

My major flame/torch is for my ex fiancee. We were together in '97...he was a fireman. He was so generous and I don't remember why we split...oh well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I carry a small flame for my first kiss/first love. We never dated, he was my brother's best friend, but we sure as heck made out all the time.

 

I will also always love my H. I can't see myself ever stopping, even if we cease to be.

 

Otherwise, nah. A fondness for many old lovers, but then, I never really loved them either. Not as I love the first and most likely the last ones.

 

CCL

 

You two will never "cease to be"....CCL if that man ever left you..I will track him down and bring him back...no lie, I'm really not joking.

[pureinheart]

Ok, how did I manage to screw up those last two quotes??? They were supposed to be 2 quotes, not 4...oh well.

[pureinheart]

No flame, embers or smoke.

 

No smoke even???? No, for real Bent, I feel ya. Ya I wish things could have worked out with my ex-fiancee, but they didn't so whatever. I am kind of numb, wanting to be by myself with my kids and grandkids. I know this may sound weird, but they are my life.

[pureinheart]

I don't know why people would get into another relationship when they are carrying a torch for someone else.

 

I was never able to when in a R....I think for me I reminisce sometimes when I'm single. When I think about old loves, I still have feelings for them, remembering how I felt then.

[pureinheart]

Flames and torches. That's an interesting thought...

 

I have always felt a flame for my old boyfriend... there is something there that I have always longed for but couldn't have...

 

He, on the other hand, I think has held a torch for me - it was always him that called, emailed, wrote, and initiated contact even when I was in a "no contact don't think about him" mode...

 

During a recent conversation about his first marriage and subsequent relationships he admitted that many of his relationships failed because his heart was someplace else.

 

It's amazing to me that I feel the same way about him as a grown man as I did when we were both 21...

 

I do believe that the lure of an old flame is almost irresistable - with the emphasis on almost...

 

Oh I hear ya on that one...if I was with someone, it might not phase me so much, although if I was single......

[pureinheart]

My first love ... no. I can honestly so nothing at all.

He cheated on me. I found out by the OW knocking on my door. We had dated for 3.5 yrs in college....

no kids, etc. Funny thing - he called me on the phone before she came over and told me that this 'wild woman' was going to come over and see me. She was a mutual acquaintance - friends of my brother.

It wasn't until she actually came to the door that I knew it was true.

 

Yeah - I saw him again years later. No sparks - at all.

 

Ya, I remember a BF that I was crazy about and I had my GF call him (it was a stupid game, I was 16) and try to hit on him and he went for it, then preceded to tell her that here were sooo many girls in his new neighborhood and that he had decided he was going to call me and break up with me.

 

I saw him a bunch of years later.....he had aged greatly and didn't look that good, meaning not healthy at all...oh well

[pureinheart]

Seriously. I can't even go here. Old timers will understand. The only way I deal with it is to keep in locked in a speacial place in my memory. Taking it out to play hurts way to much.

 

Worse... I can get in the car and be there in 11 minutes. No, I've gone to far already. I want to sleep tonight.

 

I want you to sleep, so I will leave it at that....sorry (((((hugssss)))))

[pureinheart]

Yep, it's her, and the **** of it is, that I KNOW she feels the same way. After we split up , she got married, then divorced. I started my affair, sort of as a rebound from her. We love each other, but have so much baggage, How does a person overcome it?

 

 

Ahhhh JustJoe...there has got to be a way...

[pureinheart]

No flame at all tho I do wonder what happened to someone from high school but I wouldnt call him my first love.

 

JJ, there has got to be someone!!!!!???? Think woman, think....lol.

 

My first BF was in my freshman yr of HS...well he was my first official BF, I went "steady" a lot...haha remember that!

[OWoman]

Do you still hold a "flame" for your first love?

 

Were there children involved?

 

Does this affect your new R's, or feelings you have for your "new love"?

 

My current H is my first love. So yes, I do still carry a torch for him.

 

I have kids with my first H. Did that affect my feelings for him? Not at all. I feel nothing at all either way for him - neither love nor hatred, neither like nor dislike. He's simply history.

[JustJoe]

Well, PIH, I'm working on it. That's ANOTHER reason I'm glad to be out of my affair, I can actually plan for the future.:)

[crazycatlady]

 

My major flame/torch is for my ex fiancee. We were together in '97...he was a fireman. He was so generous and I don't remember why we split...oh well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You two will never "cease to be"....CCL if that man ever left you..I will track him down and bring him back...no lie, I'm really not joking.

 

 

Pureinheart you are a doll, simply a doll. And its something H said to me last night during the middle of everything. He told me I was stuck with him, he loved me and that was it. Funny it was your statement that brought that back to mind. If there was a kissy smilie I would send one to you. That helped so much at this moment.

[bestplayer]

My current H is my first love. So yes, I do still carry a torch for him.

 

I have kids with my first H. Did that affect my feelings for him? Not at all. I feel nothing at all either way for him - neither love nor hatred, neither like nor dislike. He's simply history.

 

so u married somebody u were indifferent to.?

[OWoman]

so u married somebody u were indifferent to.?

 

I wasn't indifferent to him when I married him. Nor was I sober.

[JoyDevine]

I'm now carrying a torch for my first love that I didn't carry a few months ago.

 

I made a thread here awhile back. He was my first love, he asked me to marry him (kind of) I didn't want to for a lot of reasons. Eventually he started dating a woman, she got pregnant, then got pregnant again. We remained friends throughout this - I always loved him, he always loved me. This was over a period of about 10 years beginning when I was in high school.

 

Eventually we lost touch. I remembered him fondly but I was not pining over him or wondering what might have been or anything like that.

 

Then he tracked me down and all hell broke loose - emotionally for me. He had married the mother of his children about 4 years ago. He was committed to his family.

I was on a roller coaster. I felt such love. He told me that he'd been dreaming of me for years, that he loved me.

All of my romantic feelings for him came back. Not the "love" feelings that I felt near the end, but the way I felt when I was 17 and had a huge crush on him. Just mentally, emotionally and physically overwhelmed. And spiritually too - I just had this feeling of destiny, plus he called me his soulmate.

 

I tried to end it - I found this board and read the stories and KNEW it was trouble. But every time I tried to end it I went into a serious, painful depression. So I decided not to end it. The depression went away. I felt like I could handle a friendship with him. I even felt like the romantic feelings had faded - I felt like we were not "meant to be" after all.

But then the feelings came back.

 

I would NEVER ever willingly put myself in a position to be in love with a married man. I've had them try to talk to me. They disgust me.

 

But here I am in this position. And we will never be together.

 

I don't even WANT him to leave his family for me. Frankly, I'm not worth all of that. (I'm not saying this because of low self esteem. I just believe that there are more important things in life than our feelings of love for each other - like his commitments and responsibilities to his family)

 

I don't know how to handle the feelings though. I feel like now that it's been done - we are back in each other's lives - it can't be undone. Sometimes I get really really angry at him. Like right now, at this moment. Or when I find myself thinking about his wife, imagining them together -.... He put me in this position!!

 

I don't know, it's just this back and forth love.. anger.. frustration. But sometimes it's just a peaceful friendship. I'm trying not to cross any lines. I don't want to be involved in any sort of affair.

[JoyDevine]

I don't know why people would get into another relationship when they are carrying a torch for someone else.

 

Because the alternative is to be alone for the rest of your life.

Which seems very likely for me actually.

[White Flower]

Because the alternative is to be alone for the rest of your life.

Which seems very likely for me actually.

Joy, try to take what you can from it and enjoy it whether it be a friendship or other type of bond. It doesn't have to be an A, but whatever it is, don't let it get you down. Friendships are supposed to build you up!

[LakesideDream]

Because the alternative is to be alone for the rest of your life.

Which seems very likely for me actually.

 

 

Sorry to hear it Joy, I have literally been there and done that for 9 years. It's no fun.. hurts like hell in fact. In the end, you may end up alone anyway.

 

No advise, just good luck.

[mourningMM]

And this thread is exactly where I should say what I need to get out! As always, there is magic here at LoveShack for me...

 

When I love, I love for life. Whether the person loves me or not; it started when I was young. My first crushes in grade school, unrequited love. Later in college, the men I loved...and left. Then when I graduated, the man I loved and married, who left me. We had children together; we co-parent even now.

 

The man I had an A with, after the marriage ended, the A that helped me regain my self-esteem and self-confidence; the man who returned to his wife and then died without my even knowing--I love him even though his is well and really gone. I think of him when I see motorcycles, or hear someone at Starbucks order an Americano.

 

All of these men, I still love. I think of what they showed me about myself and for the most part I'm grateful. Well, maybe not for the X, but he left because of an affair. I am glad that I learned about depression as a result of the way the marriage ended; it gave me the knowledge that allowed me to help my daughter through some very rough times.

 

I never stop loving, or wondering "What if?". I believe that there are other realities out there, where I'm still happily married. Or where I actually dated the guy I had a crush on...and I've found a way to be content in loving without it being returned.

 

Now don't get me wrong, when it is reciprocated, well that is just wonderful. And as long as it lasts, it should be cherished.

 

Here's my current problem, an exBF who is now married is going through a rough patch (again). And I still love him; I don't want his marriage to end in a D....but he is just so hurting that all I want to do is make him smile.

 

So here is the danger in continuing to love---it leaves a flame that can burst into a roaring blaze if the situation allows it. And when that happens, well, some one can get very badly burned. So it is all about controlling the situation, and just allowing warmth.

 

And forgiving yourself if you slip, and climbing back into the straight and narrow.

 

I am connected in the heart and soul to the men that I've shared experiences with, and those experiences have made me who I am today.

 

Just because you love, does not mean that you lose the power to choose to do what is right--for you.

[Ms. Red]

I don't know why people would get into another relationship when they are carrying a torch for someone else.

 

Because the one they carry a torch for is unhealthy for them or abusive. I guess by your thinking I would be doomed to be single my whole life.

 

Just because you love, does not mean that you lose the power to choose to do what is right--for you.

 

I love that comment. That blows the old "but I loooove them" excuse right out the window. That would make a good signature line.

 

A point was brought up in IMTK's thread ...please feel free if this should move into other areas/issues/feelings have at it.

 

I want to rest this in my mind, and men your imput is more than welcome...concerning men and women:

 

Do you still hold a "flame" for your first love?

 

Not my first love. But, yes my love of my life so far. I knew him first but didn't realize till years later that he was the love of my life.

 

Were there children involved?

 

No children with him. I have only 1 child with my H.

 

Does this affect your new R's, or feelings you have for your "new love"?

 

I only had one boyfriend that had a problem with it. My H never did and he spoke of an Xgf of his as much as I spoke of my love of my life. We knew about the X's going into M. I guess it took me realizing I never loved my H like I do my Xbf to realize how much my Xbf means to me.

 

 

Good questions Pure. I typed out my story and will post separately because it's so long by itself.

[Ms. Red]

I met the love of my life when I was 13 and he was 18. We were friends at first of course. My parents would let him come visit me on the front porch. He eventually joined us for BBQ's etc. He got married & divorced. I had boyfriends until I had a big break up with the one I thought I would marry. I was 18 by that time & that's when me made his feelings known. He was a gentleman and had waited until I was of age.

 

We ended up living together for years and he became abusive. One night after whopping me good, I took off without my shoes or jacket or purse and stayed with a friend for the night. The next day my friends gathered with me and one went to his job to see if his car was there. The others helped me pack up my things and I did it all before he came home from work. He returned to an empty house except for the living room furniture and the bed and his personal things.

 

We never lived together again but I was so much a part of his family that we ended up seeing each other & considered a couple again. He then got a girlfriend at work and out of the blue took off to another state with her and her children. Something he and I had planned on doing someday. It killed me inside because I had decided that I was going to be real good to him and not let anything or anyone tear us apart. Looking back I think it was the excuse that some abused women feel, that if they were just good enough, perfect, or loyal enough the abuse would stop. I think he was mad at me moving out on him and just got back together with me so he could then be the one to break up our relationship.

 

After he got settled in the other state, the girl he took with him ended up cheating on him and he overdosed and was in the hospital and wouldn't talk to anyone. He just would repeat that he needed to talk to me. His family tried to get me to talk to him but I had become confidant in the fact that we would never be together again. It was really hard because I still loved him so much. But I had to make a strong decision for my health and welfare. After he was discharged he managed to call me and got me on the phone. He told me he was returning to my state & "coming to get my woman!" My father got him on the phone and told him not to waste his time coming because he wouldn't be able to find me. My parents were prepared to send me out of state to keep me safe. That convinced him and he stayed out of state.

 

Through the years I still talked about him often. I spent time with his family at social events, visiting at their homes, weddings, etc. I also would have dreams about the two of us taking on the world. That's one thing he always talked about. Here it is over 30 years later and I've been married for 16 years (separated almost 4 yrs) and I haven't gotten over the love for him. My husband during our M knew all about him as if he was still an active part of my life since I talked about him so often. He came to town a few years back when his Mom died and we went out & sat by the train tracks till sunrise talking and catching up. He said he had no idea that I was still part of his family through the years. None of them had spoken to him about me. However, they did update me on him. He's on his fourth marriage now. And when his Mom was alive & I visited, she not only called me her daughter but said that he & I belonged together. She always told me her biggest wish was that we would at least talk to each other. She finally got her wish after she died.

 

Recently his Dad died and since my H never had a father, Dad was like my only father-in-law. During Dad's final days, I went to the homestead and hung out when others were turned away. Dad only wanted immediate family there & he specifically asked for me. I visited with my X through all this and was the only non-family member allowed when they closed the casket.

 

If it wasn't for the abuse and my strong decision to stay safe when he came calling for me, I believe we would still be together today. He's told me he loves me and always will. I told him the same.

[Owl]

I must be the "odd guy out" here.

 

When I love someone...it's with all of my heart. That doesn't leave room for anyone else to maintain a foothold.

 

I've "been in love" with women prior to meeting my wife. I'm no longer "in love" with them, nor do I have any kind of desire/interest/whatever in maintaining any kind of relationship with any of those women.

 

When my mom passed away about six years ago, I went back home for her funeral, and while there I ran into two of those "old flames". It was nice to see that they were doing well. But I had NO desire to "reconnect" or to maintain any contact with them beyond that passing moment of running into them.

 

I'm devoted to my wife. Not only do I not have any desire to rekindle anything with any of those "old flames", I'm also well aware of the risks in even trying to maintain a friendship with them. I've seen too many friends get caught up in that trap...and since my time coming here, too many stories of affairs starting because of that kind of scenario.

 

Guess I've got a shallow heart, or I'm stingy with it...cause there's only room in there for one "love" at a time, and I'm not willing to open it up further than that.

[bentnotbroken]

I must be the "odd guy out" here.

 

When I love someone...it's with all of my heart. That doesn't leave room for anyone else to maintain a foothold.

 

I've "been in love" with women prior to meeting my wife. I'm no longer "in love" with them, nor do I have any kind of desire/interest/whatever in maintaining any kind of relationship with any of those women.

 

When my mom passed away about six years ago, I went back home for her funeral, and while there I ran into two of those "old flames". It was nice to see that they were doing well. But I had NO desire to "reconnect" or to maintain any contact with them beyond that passing moment of running into them.

 

I'm devoted to my wife. Not only do I not have any desire to rekindle anything with any of those "old flames", I'm also well aware of the risks in even trying to maintain a friendship with them. I've seen too many friends get caught up in that trap...and since my time coming here, too many stories of affairs starting because of that kind of scenario.

 

Guess I've got a shallow heart, or I'm stingy with it...cause there's only room in there for one "love" at a time, and I'm not willing to open it up further than that.

 

 

Good to see you posting:). But I agree with you completely. I guess I am stingy as well.