As much as I ever did

[unsureLP]

Take strength in that thought. It's a long healing process, but be patient with yourself. I hope you can find solace in that you did all you could, that it's his problem and he had no right to walk out without giving you both the chance to work it out.

[stillafool]

I don't know your story either. Is he now married? Do you know where he is and when is the last time you saw him or talked to him?

[LisaUk]

Take strength in that thought. It's a long healing process, but be patient with yourself. I hope you can find solace in that you did all you could, that it's his problem and he had no right to walk out without giving you both the chance to work it out.

 

Thanks, I will try to. He ven said he could not be bothered to try, to much effort apprarently!

 

I don't know your story either. Is he now married? Do you know where he is and when is the last time you saw him or talked to him?

 

I don't think he is married, I doubt it, he left one year ago after we had been together 18 years and we were planning our wedding (just booked the church). I know where he is, he is living in our old house still, I have not spoken to him for about 8/9 months, at his request.

[trippi1432]

Something Tojaz posted on someone elses thread really got me thinking, I always acted with the best of intentions, never did anything to try and hurt him only acted with both of our feelings taken into account. ALWAYS. He on the other hand made the CONSCIOUS decision to deliberately HURT me when he walked without communicating his issues (even admitting later that he had kept them hidden on purpose) or trying to work them out with me.

 

He really does not deserve me and I will be so much better off without him in the long run.

 

Exactly Lisa....!! Good for you!!

[tojaz]

Something Tojaz posted on someone elses thread really got me thinking, I always acted with the best of intentions, never did anything to try and hurt him only acted with both of our feelings taken into account. ALWAYS. He on the other hand made the CONSCIOUS decision to deliberately HURT me when he walked without communicating his issues (even admitting later that he had kept them hidden on purpose) or trying to work them out with me.

 

He really does not deserve me and I will be so much better off without him in the long run.

 

Ahhh my dear, I have said that too you many times. Things always make more sense from the other side of the fence I guess.

 

You are absolutely right, he does not deserve you. Having you in his life was a privelege he abused, time to give it to someone who will treat you properly and is truly worthy of your company.

 

TOJAZ

[Gunny376]

Ahhh my dear, I have said that too you many times. Things always make more sense from the other side of the fence I guess.

 

You are absolutely right, he does not deserve you. Having you in his life was a privilege he abused, time to give it to someone who will treat you properly and is truly worthy of your company.

 

TOJAZ

 

Why isn't this inscribed in a mountain somewhere on the scale of Mount Rushmore?

[tojaz]

Why isn't this inscribed in a mountain somewhere on the scale of Mount Rushmore?

 

Because, regardless how many times we hear it, its usually hard to believe that the person we loved for so long is no longer willing or capable to be that person. Thats why so many of us can so easily rattle those words off to others, yet when then thad same sad old feeling comes around............. well, we all know the rest.

 

TOJAZ

[HeavenOrHell]

Yay, that's what I like to hear Lisa!

 

 

Something Tojaz posted on someone elses thread really got me thinking, I always acted with the best of intentions, never did anything to try and hurt him only acted with both of our feelings taken into account. ALWAYS. He on the other hand made the CONSCIOUS decision to deliberately HURT me when he walked without communicating his issues (even admitting later that he had kept them hidden on purpose) or trying to work them out with me.

 

He really does not deserve me and I will be so much better off without him in the long run.

[LisaUk]

Well here I am again, at the bottom of the rollercoaster, blaming myself and in tears. Urgh. I don't think I can cope with this much longer, it's just one long struggle that never gets better. I've had enough. The fact is he left, I deserved to be left because I wasn't good enough for him, I was unwell and became boring as he put it, I was controlling, although I didn't know I was being and never meant to be. WHy could he not see how much I loved him and that I didn't mean any of it, everything has come across the wrong way, why could he not see that? I don't understand.

[tojaz]

Lisa, your not going to understand because hes the only one that does. It is faulty within him! Has nothing to do with you, those are just excuses he used to allow himself to leave without carrying the guilt he so deserves! Every time you make a post like this, you are actually helping him do that to you! Every time you take a piece of blame. Leave the blame and guilt where it belongs, on him! I don't care what you think you did that was so terrible, even if the first thing you did in the morning was club him with a frying pan!!! Hes the one that devalued the relationship and you enough to give up and walk away rather then express his conflicts and try to repair it. There is no honor in that! Quit treating him like a saint. HES NOT!!!!!!!!!!

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

I really don't think they are excuses. I've been thinking about this and the way I am with my low SE and what the counsellor said in my intial assessments (still waiting on the counselling). She said she felt it was all connected, that I needed to be perfect in my relationships too. My ex said I had a controlling personaity b/c I forced my opinions on him, well maybe I did, maybe the counsellor was right, perhaps that is what she meant, that I have this internal conflict where I get upset if people don't agree with me b/c it means they don't like me or I am not good enough, so maybe i did force them on him, only I didn't know that was what I was doing.

[tojaz]

Dosen't matter Lis, he still chose to abandon you. That is the issue, not many problems that cant be resolved between two willing parties. He wasn't willing, thats all you should need to know.

 

(for the record, I don't always agree with you, but i still like you! :love:)

 

TOJAZ

[FeelingLonely98]

He really does not deserve me and I will be so much better off without him in the long run.

 

GREAT COMMENT Lisa! Hope tomorrow is better than today and every day thereafter gets better than the previous day!

[Brightmoon]

GREAT COMMENT Lisa! Hope tomorrow is better than today and every day thereafter gets better than the previous day!

The same from me too.

[unsureLP]

I really don't think they are excuses. I've been thinking about this and the way I am with my low SE and what the counsellor said in my intial assessments (still waiting on the counselling). She said she felt it was all connected, that I needed to be perfect in my relationships too. My ex said I had a controlling personaity b/c I forced my opinions on him, well maybe I did, maybe the counsellor was right, perhaps that is what she meant, that I have this internal conflict where I get upset if people don't agree with me b/c it means they don't like me or I am not good enough, so maybe i did force them on him, only I didn't know that was what I was doing.

 

Lisa, whatever issues you may have, he should have given you the chance to work on them before he left like that. Besides, even if you have these issues, I'm sure he had plenty of things that contributed to the unraveling of the relationship as well. Again, why not work on them together before giving up on you and what you two had like that? You give this guy too much credit.

 

It's great that you are trying to identify ways that will help you grow, and I hope counseling is very productive for you. But don't mistake what you discover for the reason your relationship ended. He chose to run away. You're choosing to work hard and improve your life.

[Gunny376]

Complete and total BS Lisa.

 

Same tired old song, different verse.

 

I'm twenty years the other side of my divorce, and the last time I spoke to to the XHEX? Now married to DHX3? I asked her, "Why did you divorce me?"

 

And I got the same tired old answer, "Because you wouldn't change!"

 

Guess what! Not once in twelve years of marriage nor twenty years since the divorce did she ever ask for, demand, request that I make nor needed to make any changes.

 

NOT ONCE!

 

Oh! I've made changes, I've read books, magazines, learned and grew from it all. I've learned about romance, dating, mating, seduction, massage, what women want, cross-gender communication, attraction, flirtation, smozzing, took dance lessons, gone to the gym, still in shape, still weigh the same as I did in HS.

 

All she did ~ and all he's doing is making you and you making yourself the perfect someone for someone else who's going to accept you for being who and what you are ~ as you are.

 

You are in pain because you are in the Fire of the Phoneix ~ the fire of becoming the person you were meant to be ~ destined to be.

 

 

You are arising from the ashes of what you once were.

 

Truth of the matter is? You were to fast for him, too ambitious for him, too quick for him, too intellegent for him, too educated for him. He felt he couldn't compete, keep up ~ so he quit. He quit himself, he quit you, and he quit the "us" that was the two of you!

 

Not that I'm saying he was such a bad guy, although it was dirty the way he went about doing things. But he knew in his mind, and in his heart that he had to let you go. He knew he wasn't your match, and that he had to let you go. He knew he couldn't keep you as his caged dove.

 

He let you go not because you were too controlling, too demanding, too domineering ~ but because he sensed that you were larger than he and the relationship that was. And that he could never measure up to your expectations of not just him? But of life.

 

He let you go ~ because he loved you!

 

So that you could be you, and live and reach your fullest potential in life.

[Gunny376]

I'll let you read that, think about my last post, ponder it, see your response and then comment on the contradictory comments of my last posts.

 

And yes! I realize that I made contradictory and illogical comments that were devoid of common sense logic and reasoning.

 

They don't call separation/divorce "Crazy Time" for nothing.

[LisaUk]

Lisa, whatever issues you may have, he should have given you the chance to work on them before he left like that. Besides, even if you have these issues, I'm sure he had plenty of things that contributed to the unraveling of the relationship as well. Again, why not work on them together before giving up on you and what you two had like that? You give this guy too much credit.

 

It's great that you are trying to identify ways that will help you grow, and I hope counseling is very productive for you. But don't mistake what you discover for the reason your relationship ended. He chose to run away. You're choosing to work hard and improve your life.

 

Unsure, thank you so much for posting this I really needed to hear this today and I know you are right.

 

Things in my life are going from bad to worse right now, yet more betrayal to cope with on top of what I already had, I guess I still needed to learn a life lesson, well message recieved loud and clear now. Wolves in sheeps clothing. I am so sick of being hurt.

[nobmagnet]

Unsure, thank you so much for posting this I really needed to hear this today and I know you are right.

 

Things in my life are going from bad to worse right now, yet more betrayal to cope with on top of what I already had, I guess I still needed to learn a life lesson, well message recieved loud and clear now. Wolves in sheeps clothing. I am so sick of being hurt.

 

 

lisa,

 

whats happening? oh my im sorry your feeling so bad I worked through a book on self esteam.It was fantastic.......painful but incredible trip i went through learning about me. And may I say being ME is amazing. I am happy, content, joyful, grasping the moment and planning a future. I have always been me but as gunny said you are in the fire awaiting the pheionix rising. When you rise................the sun will shine here in blighty for ever!

 

You are a great woman. NEVER allow anyone to insult the person you are. Learn yes but no dont you dare change.

 

 

all me love

 

Nobby xxxxxx

[LisaUk]

What was the book called Nobby? Is it the Melaine Klein one?

[trippi1432]

lisa,

 

whats happening? oh my im sorry your feeling so bad I worked through a book on self esteam.It was fantastic.......painful but incredible trip i went through learning about me. And may I say being ME is amazing. I am happy, content, joyful, grasping the moment and planning a future. I have always been me but as gunny said you are in the fire awaiting the pheionix rising. When you rise................the sun will shine here in blighty for ever!

 

You are a great woman. NEVER allow anyone to insult the person you are. Learn yes but no dont you dare change.

 

 

all me love

 

Nobby xxxxxx

 

Good for you Nob!! :D:D And yes, you are truly amazing!! :bunny:

[nobmagnet]

Hi lisa,

 

Melanie Fennel.

 

I found it really painful to start with but have a pad and pen with you. It really was anawakening for me.

 

Hope it helps.

 

Nobby xx:love:

[LisaUk]

Trust.

 

Can we really trust anyone? I have always treated people as trustworthy, on face value, I guess maybe because I know that I don't decieve people, don't play games, don't lie. It seems though that not evryone thinks that way, I have recently found out that a really close friend, whom I put my trust in at my most vulnerable time has been lying to me and then tried to justify it by telling me it was for my own protection and even went so far as to try and suggest that I had lied to them, taking things I had said or done out of context.

 

My ex lied a lot and this friend knew this but still said they were glad they had lied to me if it meant they were able to help me. Why do some people think it's OK to lie and try and pass it off by calling it a fib? Lying is lying in my book. OK, so they thought it would mean they could help me, but it's so disrespectful to take away my choice like that.

 

I feel so betrayed, it saddens me so much to know someone who I put so much trust in would hurt me like this. I have been guarded since this happened, it was difficult enough trusting someone so completely after my ex, now I don't think I will ever be able to put my trust in anyone again. I'm going about my daily interactions with people and friends I have known nearly a year at uni and now there is a little voice in my head saying "be careful, don't be yourself, don't give too much of yourself away, b/c you just can't be certain". I know trust is something to be earnt, but even with this friend I thought they had earnt it only to find out they were hidding things from me and lying.

 

Where the h**l do I go with my life, friendships and relationships from here? Help.

:-(

[trippi1432]

Trust.

 

Can we really trust anyone? I have always treated people as trustworthy, on face value, I guess maybe because I know that I don't decieve people, don't play games, don't lie. It seems though that not evryone thinks that way, I have recently found out that a really close friend, whom I put my trust in at my most vulnerable time has been lying to me and then tried to justify it by telling me it was for my own protection and even went so far as to try and suggest that I had lied to them, taking things I had said or done out of context.

 

My ex lied a lot and this friend knew this but still said they were glad they had lied to me if it meant they were able to help me. Why do some people think it's OK to lie and try and pass it off by calling it a fib? Lying is lying in my book. OK, so they thought it would mean they could help me, but it's so disrespectful to take away my choice like that.

 

I feel so betrayed, it saddens me so much to know someone who I put so much trust in would hurt me like this. I have been guarded since this happened, it was difficult enough trusting someone so completely after my ex, now I don't think I will ever be able to put my trust in anyone again. I'm going about my daily interactions with people and friends I have known nearly a year at uni and now there is a little voice in my head saying "be careful, don't be yourself, don't give too much of yourself away, b/c you just can't be certain". I know trust is something to be earnt, but even with this friend I thought they had earnt it only to find out they were hidding things from me and lying.

 

Where the h**l do I go with my life, friendships and relationships from here? Help.

:-(

 

Lisa,

 

I had this argument with my therapist a while back, I say that everyone is guilty of telling a fib. She believes that there are truly honest people out there that don't lie, never have, never will. My ex lied to me for years when he said that he would love me no matter what, there are just no guarantees in this world.

 

I take people at face value too, I've always been told to trust a person until they give you a reason not to trust them. There are degrees of hurt when it comes to betrayal, some can easily be forgiven, some can't. Where you choose to measure that on your own personal scale of betrayal is your choice.

 

I find infidelity the biggest lie and highest on my betrayal factor...not something someone would do with the best of intentions. Lying is a betrayal, but every betrayed person has their choice in how it affects them. Everyday I get up, go to work and put on my fake smile, I make out to people that I am doing fine....that's a lie, to myself. The fact is, people lie. Not sure what branch of law you are studying, but that is a factor to get used to.

[soheartbroken]

Trust.

 

Can we really trust anyone?

 

(

 

I think a person can choose to trust anyone or everyone. This is a different question than whether there is anyone out there who is completely deserving of trust.

 

I don't think that there is a single person who is incapable of lying, deceiving, or "fibbing". And I don't think there is a single person who has never lied or stretched the truth.

 

So, technically, I guess you can never know for sure that someone won't lie to you or stretch the truth. Even people you are really close to.