As much as I ever did

[LonelyTiger]

I think you are misunderstanding my advice. I'm not simply saying "Smile, Be happy. Just think positive thoughts and you'll be fine". But I AM saying pay attention to your internal dialogue. Ask yourself why you would tell yourself you are worthless, ugly, unlovable, you deserved your ex to leave you? Would you tell that to a complete stranger, especially one who is heartbroken? Besides, what is the alternative advice? Encourage her to self abuse? No matter how many people on this forum have told her she's worthy and her ex was a fool, she will never believe us. She wont allow herself until she changes her internal dialogue.

 

I understand exactly what you are saying dgiirl. CBT works for some people, sometimes. Personally, I don't think it's going to work for Lisa at this point in time.

 

Like I said, we don't know for sure if Lisa is depressed, even though she has some symptoms. If she is, then this kind of approach probably won't work. Sorry, I know I'm repeating myself, but I think you are trying to achieve the impossible. Sometimes, when a person is in a really dark hole, they cannot see any positives.

 

Of course Lisa doesn't believe what people on the forum are telling her about herself. None of us has ever met her (as far as I'm aware), and she's clearly a very bright woman, so why would she listen to the opinions of strangers on a message board? Especially when she has spent 34 years listening to her mother putting her down?

 

I am not suggesting that you shouldn't be offering Lisa this kind of advice. It's just that some people seem a little exasperated by her inability to take on board the suggestions. What I'm saying is 'Lisa is not listening'! She isn't in a place where she can hear you! She isn't ready'!

 

Lisa, I wish you the best of luck with your exams. You clearly know where your future lies and you're obviously prepared to do whatever it takes to get there. Nobody can take the exams for you. It's all down to you, all your effort and all your hard work. You know that. The same applies to everything else you want to achieve. As much as we would all like to, nobody can wave a magic wand and make you feel better about yourself or what your ex did.

 

It will take courage and effort on your part to begin this particular journey. You will know when you've had enough of feeling this way and then you will do whatever it takes to move past this and get on with the rest of your life.

[LisaUk]

Thanks to all of you for the replies. Lonelytiger, you are right, I want so badly to believe that I was not to blame, but I just can't believe it, my interactions with people tell me otherwise. You were also correct that my recent absence from the forum was b/c I thought people were getting annoyed with me, sick of hearing me whinge and not progressing when they are trying to help. I felt that I cannot live up to the expectations and that I am letting those who take the time to support me down.

 

Dgirl, part of the CBT book says to experiment and see how people react, I have, it doesn't end well. My mother told me it was my fault my ex left me, I wasn't good enough for him, so yes, people have told me it was me, friends as well that relationship break downs are 50/50 and so I am equally to blame.

 

SHB, I can't handle it, if it turns out this was my fault like I think, I don't think I will survive it.

 

Nobby, thanks for the offer hun, I have to stay here though as I have work placements lined up for the summer and have a conditional place on the Law Practice Course for next year at the University.

 

Tojaz, thanks and I try to tell myself that, but I just don't seem able to believe it.

[nobmagnet]

Lisa,

 

sorry you cant come bit the offer is here. weekends or just a day...im here.

 

As far as finding out if you are to blame or not may I suggest summot? Dont talk about your ex relationship with your concellor?

 

It needs to start with you, your relationship with your parents and by the time you get to your ex you will already know who you are. as soon as you understand who you are, start to accept who you are you will not need to know who is to blame. It happened.

 

Work on you when you have time. Get to understand you for who you are and not hate yourself. Then my love......you just might be happy again. Its not to do with the ex. Well not all of it IMO.

 

 

Nobby xxx

[FeelingLonely98]

Thanks to all of you for the replies. Lonelytiger, you are right, I want so badly to believe that I was not to blame, but I just can't believe it, my interactions with people tell me otherwise. You were also correct that my recent absence from the forum was b/c I thought people were getting annoyed with me, sick of hearing me whinge and not progressing when they are trying to help. I felt that I cannot live up to the expectations and that I am letting those who take the time to support me down.

 

Dgirl, part of the CBT book says to experiment and see how people react, I have, it doesn't end well. My mother told me it was my fault my ex left me, I wasn't good enough for him, so yes, people have told me it was me, friends as well that relationship break downs are 50/50 and so I am equally to blame.

 

SHB, I can't handle it, if it turns out this was my fault like I think, I don't think I will survive it.

 

Nobby, thanks for the offer hun, I have to stay here though as I have work placements lined up for the summer and have a conditional place on the Law Practice Course for next year at the University.

 

Tojaz, thanks and I try to tell myself that, but I just don't seem able to believe it.

 

There is NO BLAME to be placed ... he chose to do what he did. Nobody forced him. No powerful "forces" are to blame ...

Relationships are ALL about choices:

Choices to love

Choices to support

Choices to comfort

Choices to commit

Choices to communicate - the right way

~~~~~~~~~

Choices to do all of these things in good times and bad.

He chose not to do these things anymore.

~~~~~~~~~

Lisa, You are struggling. We all wish we could post something that would magically get you to that wonderful place - NOW ... that place that you will once again be in. But no one person on LS has YOUR answer. You will find that answer, that peace, that acceptance, that strength - one day soon. Keep coming to LS, keep posting you feelings, keep reading others supportive replies, try things, - and do NOT listen to those (your Mother included) tell you that you caused this. When they say that just reply cordially that "no, I am sorry, but you are wrong, I am not to blame for this. And please, unless you will be more supportive of me do not talk about it to me anymore."

 

TRUST ME - you will make it through this and like Gunny told you you will be a greater Lisa than when it started.

 

PEACE!

[dgiirl]

Dgirl, part of the CBT book says to experiment and see how people react, I have, it doesn't end well. My mother told me it was my fault my ex left me, I wasn't good enough for him, so yes, people have told me it was me, friends as well that relationship break downs are 50/50 and so I am equally to blame.

 

First of all, don't even waste your time trying this on your mother. There is just TOO much dysfunction that it would be nearly impossible to change the dynamics of your relationship with her. She seems like a very unhappy person and she will never see you as an adult because you are her child. It's simply best to take whatever she says in one ear and out the other, and realize the hurtful things she says to you, truly is due to her own issues. She's just an unhappy person and will never see her own faults so she needs to project them onto you. You do realize that, right?

 

Secondly, please keep an open mind and don't dismiss everything I have said to you. There is no quick fix to your heartache. It will take time. As I see it, you have two issues right now:

1) Your personal relationships with others.

2) Your personal relationship with yourself.

For the moment, forget trying to fix your personal relationship with others. All I'm asking of you is to examine the way you treat yourself. Just keep this in your mind the next time you find yourself crying alone.

[candymoon]

Wow Lisa, I just skimmed through your thread and you really touched my heart. I hope I do not repeat too much of what others have said, just really wanting to lend my support to you during your crisis, because tho it's been some time, this is still a crisis.

 

I may not understand much, but I definitely understand abusive relationships with parents and how it colors everything. If it lasts through adulthood it just compounds the devastation of any traumatic event. I also understand living life in a deep pit of depression.

 

I don't know if you have already but have you considered cutting ties with her until you have worked through this time of your life? Gain your own perspective without her drilling the hole deeper? During times of crisis, I've learned that people who can't or don't or won't offer support are dead weight and I throw them overboard. Especially family because what they do/don't do can hurt worse as they know exactly the buttons to push to suck you down the well deeper.

 

I've learned in my own therapy that having myself (even if I am alone and isolated) as my own advocate is ten times better than having a bunch of around who poke sticks into my wounds.

 

 

As far as therapy--I have been in therapy for 5 years with the same therapist and we do a mix of the disciplines as not all or one always works. It is especially important if the foundation of your personality began with abuse that the therapist needs to be flexible. What might work for resolving one issue, may not be the best course for another. It's like opening Pandora's Box when the work begins, but it is worth it to work on you... best of luck and I'll be keeping up with your thread.

[LisaUk]

First of all, don't even waste your time trying this on your mother. There is just TOO much dysfunction that it would be nearly impossible to change the dynamics of your relationship with her. She seems like a very unhappy person and she will never see you as an adult because you are her child. It's simply best to take whatever she says in one ear and out the other, and realize the hurtful things she says to you, truly is due to her own issues. She's just an unhappy person and will never see her own faults so she needs to project them onto you. You do realize that, right?

 

Secondly, please keep an open mind and don't dismiss everything I have said to you. There is no quick fix to your heartache. It will take time. As I see it, you have two issues right now:

1) Your personal relationships with others.

2) Your personal relationship with yourself.

For the moment, forget trying to fix your personal relationship with others. All I'm asking of you is to examine the way you treat yourself. Just keep this in your mind the next time you find yourself crying alone.

 

Hi Dgirl

 

I haven't dismissed anything you have said and I really appreciate you taking the time to post to me. I haven't tried it on my mum, I know it wouldn't achieve anything there, I have tried it with others though and it doesn't work out well. I just don't see how it can work? It's a self sealing circle, people tell you are rubbish, so when you are alone as much as you tell yourself you aren't, there is always that voice that tells you are b/c everyone else says you are and treats you that way. I guess I just don't trust myself enough to tell myself it isn't me, probably why I am always on here asking if it was me?!

 

Wow Lisa, I just skimmed through your thread and you really touched my heart. I hope I do not repeat too much of what others have said, just really wanting to lend my support to you during your crisis, because tho it's been some time, this is still a crisis.

 

I may not understand much, but I definitely understand abusive relationships with parents and how it colors everything. If it lasts through adulthood it just compounds the devastation of any traumatic event. I also understand living life in a deep pit of depression.

 

I don't know if you have already but have you considered cutting ties with her until you have worked through this time of your life? Gain your own perspective without her drilling the hole deeper? During times of crisis, I've learned that people who can't or don't or won't offer support are dead weight and I throw them overboard. Especially family because what they do/don't do can hurt worse as they know exactly the buttons to push to suck you down the well deeper.

 

I've learned in my own therapy that having myself (even if I am alone and isolated) as my own advocate is ten times better than having a bunch of around who poke sticks into my wounds.

 

 

As far as therapy--I have been in therapy for 5 years with the same therapist and we do a mix of the disciplines as not all or one always works. It is especially important if the foundation of your personality began with abuse that the therapist needs to be flexible. What might work for resolving one issue, may not be the best course for another. It's like opening Pandora's Box when the work begins, but it is worth it to work on you... best of luck and I'll be keeping up with your thread.

 

Hi Candymoon

 

thanks for posting. I can't cut contact with my mum at the moment b/c I live with her. My ex pretty much put me on the street with no job or income so I had no other choice. As for therapy, I am in the UK and am on a waiting list (nearly a year now) but in any case I am fearful of therapy, I am sacred to find out what is so wrong with me that my ex of 18 years, since highschool, would leave me. I don't know, its all too much.....

[candymoon]

Thanks Lisa. I read more when time allowed and wow...

 

You are strong, resilient, a survivor, and intelligent to have gone through these things... People who survive things like that without the use of mind altering drugs, alcohol, or jail should be commended. At the very least, you should pat yourself on the back that you survived if nothing else.

 

I wish there were a way you could at least avoid your mother or... but I know how hard it is to drown them out or let what they say bounce off you in a normal situation. Under ones like yours it's almost impossible. I'd say sling some crap right back at her, but I can tell you are a sweet person without a malicious bone in your body--and anyway at the least she is providing a roof at the moment.

 

What helped me when I was living with my abusive parents? Journaling, writing, painting, knitting, being online and rl with friends, going out to do stuff that was free: window shop, parks, beaches, just walking. The natural endorphins produced from these activites boost the mood naturally. Not a full cure, but every little bit helps--and plus it gets you from under your mom's glare and maybe distracts you (for a while) of all the negative self-talk...

[LisaUk]

I just had the worst night, dreamt about him and kept waking up then back to sleep another one...on and on. I could feel how I used to feel when he would hold me. When I woke up I was crying. I just don't understand how this can mean nothing to him? How can he just walk away form 18 years, more than half his own life, and not even give it a second glance, not a care in the world, yet I am here, over a year later still suffering.

 

I had a s****y weekend all in all, I had to call paramedics to my mum on Saturday, suspected heart attack, they kept her in over night and it turned out to be a bad angina episode, thankfully. The coursework is NOT going well and I have to submit a first draft tonight via e-mail to my tutor, I haven't even started the revision for my exams in FIVE WEEKS yet b/c of the d***m thing. Urgh.

 

I'm going now, before I drag you all down with me.

[sotagoon]

Lisa.....I sent you a PM...but wanted to let you know here that you are in my thoughts today.

 

I know full well what it feels like. I'm still there almost every day.

 

Keep your eye on the prize. Get there however you need to.

 

I hope you Mum is doing better today. I'll keep you both in my thoughts.

[dgiirl]

Sorry to hear about your Mom, Lisa! Hopefully everything works out soon.

 

As for the dreams, that is indeed a hard one and I struggled for a long time. I would have these tortuous nightmares where I would dream that I just woke up from a nightmare, and that my exh was truly still there in our home and loved me. In the dream, I would wake up so happy that the separation was only a nightmare and it never happened. Only then a few moments later, actually wake up from the dream and realize it was indeed true, I was alone and he did leave. It was extremely tortuous and I would wake up every morning with tears running down my face. It was very hard. I cannot say anything really helped with those dreams except just keeping trudging along, not getting upset that I had those dreams and just accepted it, but would not let it control the rest of the day. I made a vow to myself to wake up every single day, take a shower, and get out of the house, weekday or weekend. Preoccupying my mind helped a lot with how I would feel the rest of the day. Eventually, the dreams will stop. You still have a lot of questions running through your head, and you are still trying to process the whole thing. The dreams will slowly start to fade once you get more distance between this event, you start to make new happy memories with new friends and new activities, and once you start to find closure within, and closure only comes from within.

 

 

Every single day you should ask yourself two very important questions:

 

1) Did you take care of at least one of your responsibilities? You seem to have this one under control since you are going to school every day and studying. You should be proud of yourself for this!

 

2) Did you do at least one fun thing today? I don't know if you do this one very often, and perhaps you need to make this more of a priority? It doesn't mean you ignore your responsibilities, but life is yin and yang between having fun and taking care of yourself. Even if it's just for 5 minutes in a bubble bath, or playing with a neighbor's puppy, it should be something that brings a slight smile to your face.

 

If you can answer YES to both of those questions every single day, then you had a good productive day!

[trippi1432]

Hi Lisa,

 

Sorry to hear about your mom, hope she is doing better. Hang in there. Hugs!

[LisaUk]

Thanks for ther replies Satagoon, Dgirl and Trippi.

 

My Mum is doing much better thanks, they changed her meds, she's home and seems much brighter.

 

Dgirl, I don't know if it is b/c I am not thinking about it in the day anymore (too much revision, focused all the time so my mind only tends to wonder to the ex during breaks), maybe my mind HAS to figure this out to let it go? I hope not, b/c I know there is no way to figure this out, he was a walk away, an abandonor, I can't make sense of something non-sensical. Anyway, I hope it isn't why I am dreaming, b/c I had another one last night and this time we got back together.

 

Maybe this is just my new stress dream, you know, like the exam where you haven't revised? Urgh, I need some sleep, some peacful uninterupted sleep I can't concentrate on the study I am so tired, d**m him, he is not going to ruin my entire life, he is not going to make me fail my exams b/c I can't rest properly, f***** B******** (sorry for the language).

[sumdude]

Thanks for ther replies Satagoon, Dgirl and Trippi.

 

My Mum is doing much better thanks, they changed her meds, she's home and seems much brighter.

 

Dgirl, I don't know if it is b/c I am not thinking about it in the day anymore (too much revision, focused all the time so my mind only tends to wonder to the ex during breaks), maybe my mind HAS to figure this out to let it go? I hope not, b/c I know there is no way to figure this out, he was a walk away, an abandonor, I can't make sense of something non-sensical. Anyway, I hope it isn't why I am dreaming, b/c I had another one last night and this time we got back together.

 

Maybe this is just my new stress dream, you know, like the exam where you haven't revised? Urgh, I need some sleep, some peacful uninterupted sleep I can't concentrate on the study I am so tired, d**m him, he is not going to ruin my entire life, he is not going to make me fail my exams b/c I can't rest properly, f***** B******** (sorry for the language).

 

 

Good luck with the exams Lisa, you'll pull through. Good job at sticking with it through a tough time in life.

 

PS.. this is the healthiest post I've seen from you in a long time. Believe it or not you're making a lot of progress! :bunny:

[dgiirl]

PS.. this is the healthiest post I've seen from you in a long time. Believe it or not you're making a lot of progress! :bunny:

 

I absolutely agree! And I am pleasantly surprised and happy to see her post!

 

Lisa, the anger is exactly what you need right now! Use it! As for the dreams, don't worry about it. Try to shrug it off and be determined to make the rest of your day a good day. I promise, they will eventually go away too!

[Nomad1]

Lisa, there is only one certainty, that is that nothing ever stays the same! You will not feel like this forever. You will pass those exams. Channel your new found anger (as observed by Sumdude and Dgirl) into getting the things that matter to you done. You will be happy again. Just be patient. Be strong/

[unsureLP]

Lisa,

 

I hope you're able to focus on exams as hard as that may be. You do sound like you're doing better, even with the dreams. You're showing a lot of strength in your will to succeed. Keep going.

 

Hope your mom is doing better now.

[Gunny376]

To LisaUK!

 

OooooooooRaaaaahhhhhhaaaaa! (Marine Corps Battle Cry)

 

:bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:

 

And That's the most sock bunnies I've ever given anyone!

 

NOW! GET OUT THERE AND KICK SOME @ZZ!

 

Side-note! Sorry to hear you Mum being down!

[FeelingLonely98]

PS.. this is the healthiest post I've seen from you in a long time. Believe it or not you're making a lot of progress! :bunny:

 

I absolutely agree! And I am pleasantly surprised and happy to see her post!

 

CHEERS! Totally agree. Put a smile on my face reading that post Lisa. Keep up the GREAT work. (Right I after I hit the anger stage I crawled out of the hole I had been in and life has been wonderful ever since.)

 

You will pass those exams.

 

100% Guarantee on that!!! (keep studying)

[trippi1432]

Thanks for ther replies Satagoon, Dgirl and Trippi.

 

My Mum is doing much better thanks, they changed her meds, she's home and seems much brighter.

 

Dgirl, I don't know if it is b/c I am not thinking about it in the day anymore (too much revision, focused all the time so my mind only tends to wonder to the ex during breaks), maybe my mind HAS to figure this out to let it go? I hope not, b/c I know there is no way to figure this out, he was a walk away, an abandonor, I can't make sense of something non-sensical. Anyway, I hope it isn't why I am dreaming, b/c I had another one last night and this time we got back together.

 

Maybe this is just my new stress dream, you know, like the exam where you haven't revised? Urgh, I need some sleep, some peacful uninterupted sleep I can't concentrate on the study I am so tired, d**m him, he is not going to ruin my entire life, he is not going to make me fail my exams b/c I can't rest properly, f***** B******** (sorry for the language).

 

Lisa,

 

Be strong....you are almost there...don't go there, the place we go to protect ourselves. Keep up with your studies and come out on the other side. Almost there myself...2 more weeks...tonight I am celebrating what would have been my four year anniversary....with my girlfriends and a bottle of Bitch wine...appropriate.

 

I know what you mean about dreams....don't play into them...don't analyze them, what's meant to be will be.

[LisaUk]

What he did to me was evil, evil and sick. To dump someone after 18 years without a reason, without telling me first, without any chance whatsoever to try and mend anything, not even being aware there were any problems - him having not said ANYTHING and even when asked if he was happy telling me he was.

 

I hope he gets what's coming to him, he is one sick sick evil twisted b*****d. He even had the cheek to say to me that he thinks I am a caring, considerate and kind person, who cares deeply about others. Well why in the hell did you treat me like I had been deliberately mailicous towards you then, if you knew I would care about your feelings then why act like I had done something deliberately to hurt you? You must have known that I would have done anything to make you happy. You absolute pig of a man.

 

:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad: (One for every year)

[nobmagnet]

Nice Rant Lisa

 

And every single word you just wrote is true. Anger is a good part of healing.

 

 

Nobby xx

[PWSX3]

Way to go Lisa, you are starting to turn the corner. It's not over yet but you are turning!!!!

[trippi1432]

What he did to me was evil, evil and sick. To dump someone after 18 years without a reason, without telling me first, without any chance whatsoever to try and mend anything, not even being aware there were any problems - him having not said ANYTHING and even when asked if he was happy telling me he was.

 

I hope he gets what's coming to him, he is one sick sick evil twisted b*****d. He even had the cheek to say to me that he thinks I am a caring, considerate and kind person, who cares deeply about others. Well why in the hell did you treat me like I had been deliberately mailicous towards you then, if you knew I would care about your feelings then why act like I had done something deliberately to hurt you? You must have known that I would have done anything to make you happy. You absolute pig of a man.

 

:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad: (One for every year)

 

EXACTLY Lisa!! Great rant! I will join you in the icons...one for every year.

 

:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad: Had to put the last one in there because it wasn't a full year until last week.

[tojaz]

:bunny::bunny::bunny: THATS MY GIRL! Give him hell he deserves anything and everything you can throw at him! Give that Ba***rd what he deserves and then one for me.

 

And one for every year for me. :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

 

TOJAZ