Need About a Colleague CRUSH!

[happygirl1234]

Well, I have to admit to making very good progress in putting this man out of my mind. But I also have to admit that, just in the last couple of days, I have regressed again. Suddenly I'm thinking about him THAT way again.

 

Not sure what triggered it. He keeps coming in my office, shutting the door, talking about very relevant professional things. No personal stuff at all, other than sharing his personal views on people and happenings in the office. But the KILLER is that he almost always finds a way to bring in a piece of paper, hand it to me, stand right next to me-- -- and lean over and point something out on the paper. Seriously, the close physical proximity is driving me insane! It's like that Sting song-- Don't Stand So Close to Me! My heart starts racing and I can't even really concentrate on what he's saying!

 

I just want so desperately to know if he finds me attractive, too. I mean, I know I'm an attractive woman. Sounds bad, but I don't mean to sound arrogant or anything. You know, when you hear people tell you that pretty often, you just sort of assume it's true. So I assume he finds me physically attractive, but I that's very different from finding me, well, "attractive" in the holistic sense of the word. I just want to ask him outright!

 

But if he does find me "attractive" in the way I find him attractive, would this allow me to sleep at night, or would it make it harder? I mean, would it necessarily lead to something dangerous, or would it just stroke my ego so that I could get on with my life? This is what I really want to figure out.

 

Has anyone out there had a crush and wondered, wondered, wondered if the object of your crush found you attractive, too? They act like it (sort of), but never come out and say it? So you were tempted to just ask them outright? And if you did this, how did it turn out? Were your intuitions (that they were attracted) wrong? If they were right (mutual attraction), did it start an affair, or did you laugh about it and move on with your life, knowing you shouldn't do anything about it?

[happygirl1234]

Jerrytodd, I read your posts and they made me think. It's the risk of "falling in love" that really bothers me, too. I mean, part of me thinks that I just want a sexual outlet--a place to play out my fantasies that, for whatever reason, don't seem to feel quite right with my H. Let's face it--marital sex is secure, routine, and loving. But it's not FANTASY-type sex. It's not forbidden. And even though you know and love your spouse, there's just something kind of weird (at least to me) about sharing with them your freaky side. I know I'm going to get lots of condemnation for this comment, but I just lay it out there for what it's worth. Maybe I'm not alone in this.

 

So if this guy is as great as he seems to be, if I fell in love with him, eventually I'd be back to square one and the sex with him would be loving but routine, too. So why bother?

 

But part of me wonders: Is it POSSIBLE to fall in love with someone, establish a loving long-term relationship AND have fantasy-type sex with them? Or does this only happen in the movies? Is it unrealistic-- itself just a fantasy?

 

If it is really possible to have love AND great fantasy-type uninhibited sex, should you keep trying to find it? Or should you just settle for love and a stable, easygoing, caring relationship?

 

Sorry to be so long on this post....

[happygirl1234]

I kinda know how you feel...I'm married, no sex life--at all, lol---but theres this guy I work with who certainly sparks my imaginative side too well.

 

Nothing has happened, other than him picking on me over sports related things, putting stickers on my vehicle with his favorite rival team, junk like that, but when he's near me, he makes a point to touch my shoulder, something personal like that... Always bringing my name up to our mutual friends, def signs that he's paying attention to me, and uses the sports as a way to approach me pretending to be an 'opponent' of some kind, lol.

He's always watched me from a distance....but back to you.

 

Um, your friend would have turned tail and ran if he hadnt been somewhat interested, after you told him about your crush. If he hasnt attempted anything, it's probably because he hasnt got up the nerve yet, but he KNOWS it crossing the boundaries to go out with you to lunch if you have a crush on him.

 

He's probably waiting on YOU to make the move. That's my best guess.

 

Be careful, dont get hurt xxxxxx

 

HYS1111:cool:

 

HYS1111, I never really thought about the fact that he keeps going to lunch with me, knowing I have a crush on him. But I did probably seem to retract it immediately-- so maybe he thinks it was just the alcohol talking, so as long as I'm not drinking---- I'm a "safe" lunch companion?

 

IMO, your co-worker CLEARLY is crushing on you. No doubt-- guys don't tease girls unless they have a thing for them. My crush doesn't really tease me-- he's way too serious for that. But of course I find that seriousness sexy!!!

[jerrytodd]

But if he does find me "attractive" in the way I find him attractive, would this allow me to sleep at night, or would it make it harder? I mean, would it necessarily lead to something dangerous, or would it just stroke my ego so that I could get on with my life? This is what I really want to figure out.

 

Has anyone out there had a crush and wondered, wondered, wondered if the object of your crush found you attractive, too? They act like it (sort of), but never come out and say it? So you were tempted to just ask them outright? And if you did this, how did it turn out? Were your intuitions (that they were attracted) wrong? If they were right (mutual attraction), did it start an affair, or did you laugh about it and move on with your life, knowing you shouldn't do anything about it?

 

A different work relationship I had was with a girl I had a big crush on and we ended up making out a few times. No sex ever, which was frustrating for me but likely was because I wasnt brave enough to push to the next step.

 

I think that I could now in my life have an NSA relationship with someone. Married or not.

 

But you almost need to have the hurt happen to realize - "hey, I can survive that". Then it gives you perspective that the fun/sex etc. was OK while it lasted. Its going into with pre-conceived notions of a long term future which killed me.

 

The workplace is a bad place for it though - since you have to see each other all the time after the fact it is tough.

 

And I can say that yes, he likes you and finds you attractive in the way you want to think he does. If he didnt he would stay away because of the crush comment. I hope that helps you feel better!!

[jerrytodd]

Jerrytodd, I read your posts and they made me think. It's the risk of "falling in love" that really bothers me, too. I mean, part of me thinks that I just want a sexual outlet--a place to play out my fantasies that, for whatever reason, don't seem to feel quite right with my H. Let's face it--marital sex is secure, routine, and loving. But it's not FANTASY-type sex. It's not forbidden. And even though you know and love your spouse, there's just something kind of weird (at least to me) about sharing with them your freaky side. I know I'm going to get lots of condemnation for this comment, but I just lay it out there for what it's worth. Maybe I'm not alone in this.

 

So if this guy is as great as he seems to be, if I fell in love with him, eventually I'd be back to square one and the sex with him would be loving but routine, too. So why bother?

 

But part of me wonders: Is it POSSIBLE to fall in love with someone, establish a loving long-term relationship AND have fantasy-type sex with them? Or does this only happen in the movies? Is it unrealistic-- itself just a fantasy?

 

If it is really possible to have love AND great fantasy-type uninhibited sex, should you keep trying to find it? Or should you just settle for love and a stable, easygoing, caring relationship?

 

Sorry to be so long on this post....

 

Ask your H, or tell him directly every da*ned thing you want to do! You are attractive and H*rny and you cant possibly lose. Do it over a couple of bottles of wine. Unless he is completely different than 99% of men you will have fantasy-type sex for the foreseeable future. I believe you can have it in a marriage for sure.

[kittykat84]

Okay I signed up to this forum just so I could post on this thread.

 

Happygirl you could pretty much be me. Almost. This past year or so I have been crushing HARD on a workmate. I've been with my bf four years and my crush married to a really sweet girl. We're both happy. I love my boyfriend very much and I have no intentions of ruining my life or his.

Yet I just want to KISS him. Is that so evil???

 

We get along so well and I've connected with him more than anyone in my company...that said, I'm the youngest in my department at 26 and he's the next eldest up at 32 so there's quite an age gap with almost everyone except him.

 

I've not really been able to talk about this with anyone and it's getting quite hard to hold in, hence joining this forum.

I don't want sex or an affair - my rationality accepts that it must never go that far. Maybe like happygirl I just want acknowledgment. That maybe in another lifetime we could have taken it further.

I'm almost certain he feels the same...He's not an outwardly flirty man or one that would show such desires freely...I don't really go for 'cads'....more the 'strong, silent' type so deciphering these things can be tricky. It's all in the looks...we've shared quite a few and little things that say there's something secret just between us.

 

We talk a lot - at work he is on a rotating shift in my department as we're trialling combining the graphics teams of the two offices in my city. So I see him fortnightly for two weeks at a time. This will be changing soon as we go on a six month full time trial so I'll see him for longer. We email each other when he's not in my office...and sometimes send each other things outside of work. Just chit chat and funny stuff. We go for walks to get lunch too. He calls me 'toots' and other cute nicknames. And oh my god he smells INCREDIBLE. I don't know what cologne he wears - Chanel maybe? But when he makes me coffee I can smell it on my cup. Oh and he's tall. The only physical feature I deem a requirement in men I am attracted to.

 

All these little things build up.

I doubt it will ever go anywhere. I know I'd probably have to be the one to push something if I wanted it. And I just want a kiss and that acknowledgment. And I don't want to put it out of my mind and forget about it. There's a good friendship there at least. But I'm of the firm belief that a man and a woman cannot have a platonic friendship without one at some point in time having feelings for the other.

 

As for my partner. It doesn't affect how I feel about him. Or our home life. We have a good sex life and everything is great. I wouldn't take time away from my partner to be with the crush if it ever came to that.

 

Until now I never thought I had the capacity to feel like this about someone and still love my partner 100%.

 

This is definitely a big ramble. Not making much sense cos this is the first time I've 'let it out'....just commiserating and sharing my experience happygirl :-D You're not alone and I don't think you're evil.

Edited April 2, 2010 by kittykat84

[happygirl1234]

Kittykat,

 

Thanks SO much for posting! I know it takes some pretty heavy duty feelings to search for and find this site, and then to bother to register so that we can post. So I know your feelings for your colleague must be as intense as mine are. Scary, isn't it?

 

I have been on and off the wagon about being a good girl or making a more overt move. My crush keeps coming in my office and chatting every single day, often for 45 minutes to an hour! He almost always finds a way to look over my shoulder at the computer or hand me a piece of paper and read it over my shoulder. And when he stands that close, it's all I can do to focus, focus, focus and not do anything.

 

So I have been a perfectly good girl (other than my alcohol induced crush confession, after which I literally ran away from him out of the elevator. I ran so fast that I dropped my purse!). I know he was totally bewildered after that.

 

But the truth is that he has not run away. In fact, if anything, he is dropping by more often, and we are starting to go to lunch about once a week alone together. Still no overt moves. Just professional chat (we have a lot in common professionally) and starting to chat more and more about personal stuff.

 

I am on the verge of going mad, I think! I love my husband-- I know people don't get this, or they think I'm evil. But I really do love him, and our sex life has recently improved because I have been trying so hard. I have a nice sex drive, so it's not super difficult for me to take an interest.

 

But despite all of this, I STILL cannot get this man out of my mind. He is just so incredibly appealing to me. If I had met him before my husband, I have no doubt that we would have dated and maybe even more.

 

So what are we to do?

 

I am thinking more and more that maybe I should just make a move. I just need to get it out of my system. I just WANT him.

 

I am certain that I could keep it a secret. And given his situation, he has every incentive to do the same. I have no desire whatsoever to "get caught". That's not what this is about. It's about scratching an incredible itch. Don't know how else to describe it.

 

Kittykat, you're not evil, either! And I wish you the very, very best in handling your crush. Let me know how it's going!

[kittykat84]

Yeh I think its a good sign he hasn't run away.

 

I don't know what to do either. The boy is back this week and I'll be seeing him tomorrow. It is definitely an incredible itch. I keep thinking about just kissing him.

 

You know - I've thought about the shoe being on the other foot...if my bf liked another girl a lot and just wanted to kiss her....and had no intentions of having an affair then I would be okay with it. I know he quite likes our old neighbour, a really lovely girl who actually shares his birthday. I like her too so I can see why he might have a bit a of a *thing* for her. I don't think it's as strong as I feel about my crush - but I keep imagining it if it was and I don't feel bad about it.

 

Anyway - I'm really happy I get to see my crush tomorrow -and he'll be with us for 6 months full time soon. I am interested what the dynamic will be with both the other office's boys there - the other one I know thinks I'm sexy - he said so himself (he's married too) ha! So I wonder if it will be this bizarre 'crush triangle' hahahaha. It's all quite funny really.

 

I think what you need to do is more 'baby steps'. Be a bit more overtly flirty or break the touch barrier (if you haven't already) ...test the waters so to speak and then go from there.

[xxoo]

I am on the verge of going mad, I think! I love my husband-- I know people don't get this, or they think I'm evil. But I really do love him, and our sex life has recently improved because I have been trying so hard. I have a nice sex drive, so it's not super difficult for me to take an interest.

 

But despite all of this, I STILL cannot get this man out of my mind. He is just so incredibly appealing to me. If I had met him before my husband, I have no doubt that we would have dated and maybe even more.

 

So what are we to do?

 

I've read the thread, and haven't seen my perspective--so I'll share.

 

My H and I consider it normal to have crushes on other people. They are fun, and can bring a lot of excitement to the marital bed. Sometimes, when a crush is painfully strong, sharing it with your partner (and exploring it in fantasy) can take the edge off and make it more bearable. Of course, it takes two confident, communicative people to be ok with sharing crushes on others. But, in my experience, it can go a long way toward "affair-proofing" your marriage, and keeping things super hot in the bedroom

 

If you have a great husband, I don't think there is any value in wondering whether this other guy would be "more". If you were with this other guy long term, you would eventually meet someone ELSE who made you hot. There are no shortage of hot people in the world! And there are innumerable people in the world with whom we each could have a great relationship. You say you love your husband....well, love is a verb. Love him by choosing not to betray him. You have a lot to lose, and it isn't worth the risk.

[You Go Girl]

Sorry to be the sober one...

but, why don't you both imagine that your H is having the exact same feelings for a woman they work with? Imagine whatever woman it takes, to get your face red and the green-eyed monster in you active.

Imagine her beautiful, taller than you, bigger toots, blonder, far more successful, whatever it takes and re-read your threads as if your H had written them about her...imagine your H imagining doing things with the crush woman, like when you go to bed tonight--imagine your H is lying there thinking about her.

Time for a reality check.

Simple kiss never ends at simple kiss if it's a good kiss, and it will be, because you want it to be.

You're on the verge of starting an affair.

[BlackLovely]

Well, this is my first post and I'm kind of nervous. I work in a small-ish office (about 40 professionals, plus an equal number of support staff). There's a new guy-- a professional peer- who started about a year ago. And somehow I've developed this overwhelming crush on him. I mean, I just WANT him. And I think about him a lot. But I'm married-- happily! For over 10 years. I love my husband--he's the best! But our sex life is just ho-hum. And I have this fantasies about my new colleague that are so HOT. I know it's awful and I should be shot! My crush is married, too.

 

 

Okay-- it gets worse. I went to a conference a couple months ago and we went out to dinner with another colleague. We all got way too drunk. I managed to behave, but we were both flirting with each other all night. When we entered the elevator (having said goodnight to our other colleague), my heart started racing. As I got out on my floor, I told him I had a crush on him! Then I just left.

 

Well, obviously I was really embarrassed about telling him about my crush, especially since I was drunk (I don't drink much, so I'm not used to drinking!). When we got back to the office, I told him face to face that I was sorry, asked for his forgiveness, and told him I value him as a friend and colleague and didn't want to lose that. He was very gracious and said it was no problem, it was forgotten, and not to worry.

 

Since then we've still been chatting as much as before (at least once per day, often in my office with the door closed-- but only about professional issues). He asked me out to lunch the other day, and I've asked him out. We go alone, but still nothing unprofessional from either of us. Just business chit chat and light personal talk.

 

I catch him looking at me at almost every meeting. He quickly looks away. He seems to like talking with me as much as I like talking with him. He knows I have a crush on him. We still go to lunch. And even though I haven't acted on it-and not sure I ever will-- I still have this incredible crush on him. I'd love to just kiss him. Or maybe a one night stand, just to get it out of my system and move on with my life!

 

Okay-- so here's the questions:

 

1. Do you think he may have a crush on me to, from what I've described? He's never said so, and he doesn't behave inappropriately, just flirty in a no-pressure kind of way (which is wonderful).

 

2. How can I stop thinking about him and wanting him? Would it be better to go "cold turkey" and try to avoid/ignore him as much as possible?

 

3. Is it possible to lust after someone, have them, and then forget about them/move on? Or would this be playing with fire?

 

I know I'm not a poster girl for the good wife right now, though I do plan on staying married to my current husband for the rest of my life. I feel so confused-- this wasn't part of the plan, and it's taken me by surprise that I could lust after someone so much after so many years of being happily married.

 

If anyone's been through anything like this before, I would like to hear your story and how you handled it.

 

You are married sweetie, you're not dead. I'm engaged and I will admit that I have my little crushes; my office is full of hot young men. I just don't let it consume my life.

 

How about trying to spice up your sex life with the hubby? It's amazing what a little lingerie or position switching can do! Both of you have promised to only make love to each other, so you might as well make monogamy hot. Get away for a weekend with your husband and pretend you just got married.

 

Focus on your marriage instead of some man at work.

 

Who cares if your coworker also has a crush on you?? Have you thought of how distrastrous this could turn out for your career or your respective marriages?

 

Okay, so you drank too much and flirted. I guess you all let your hair down a little too much. Your behavior was very unprofessional dear. Not that I always behave like an adult, but this nonsense smacks of high school.

 

You can have him, but the guilt would not be worth it. If you already feel ashamed of what you've done so far, how do you think you'll handle a kiss or one night stand?

[pyroguy]

I've read the thread, and haven't seen my perspective--so I'll share.

 

My H and I consider it normal to have crushes on other people. They are fun, and can bring a lot of excitement to the marital bed. Sometimes, when a crush is painfully strong, sharing it with your partner (and exploring it in fantasy) can take the edge off and make it more bearable. Of course, it takes two confident, communicative people to be ok with sharing crushes on others. But, in my experience, it can go a long way toward "affair-proofing" your marriage, and keeping things super hot in the bedroom

 

If you have a great husband, I don't think there is any value i wondering whether this other guy would be "more". If you were with this other guy long term, you would eventually meet someone ELSE who made you hot. There are no shortage of hot people in the world! And there are innumerable people in the world with whom we each could have a great relationship. You say you love your husband....well, love is a verb. Love him by choosing not to betray him. You have a lot to lose, and it isn't worth the risk.

 

Well, you gals are better than men. I'm nowhere a prude, but maybe I'm more oldfashioned than I thought.

 

Noticing people, yes, in a sexual way, yea, I guess, but a crush? and multiple crushes? I don't know, hearing about my wife wanting to f**ck some guy at work would make me completely limp in the bedroom. I work hard to look good for her-harder than SHE tries. it would be just be a big bummer. I just don't know how knowing this info can make it hotter. "Honey, I so want to bang the hot guy at work" I think about him in ways I never think about you- doesn't that turn you on"? uh no.

 

God, marriages are just business partnerships. CAn we all just cut our losses, or just be wild swingers?

[xxoo]

 

Well, you gals are better than men. I'm nowhere a prude, but maybe I'm more oldfashioned than I thought.

 

Noticing people, yes, in a sexual way, yea, I guess, but a crush? and multiple crushes? I don't know, hearing about my wife wanting to f**ck some guy at work would make me completely limp in the bedroom. I work hard to look good for her-harder than SHE tries. it would be just be a big bummer. I just don't know how knowing this info can make it hotter. "Honey, I so want to bang the hot guy at work" I think about him in ways I never think about you- doesn't that turn you on"? uh no.

 

God, marriages are just business partnerships. CAn we all just cut our losses, or just be wild swingers?

 

Don't expect you to understand it, Pyro, but we are madly in love with each other, and just want to have a lifetime of fun together. It turns my guy on to see me super turned on. Just about nothing makes him limp, lol, and he knows that no one but him touches me. No one turns me on more than him, but I can't understand pretending that other people don't also turn me on. I guess I'm lucky that I don't have to

[cooldudeinberlin]

Okay I signed up to this forum just so I could post on this thread.

 

Happygirl you could pretty much be me. Almost. This past year or so I have been crushing HARD on a workmate. I've been with my bf four years and my crush married to a really sweet girl. We're both happy. I love my boyfriend very much and I have no intentions of ruining my life or his.

Yet I just want to KISS him. Is that so evil???

 

We get along so well and I've connected with him more than anyone in my company...that said, I'm the youngest in my department at 26 and he's the next eldest up at 32 so there's quite an age gap with almost everyone except him.

 

I've not really been able to talk about this with anyone and it's getting quite hard to hold in, hence joining this forum.

I don't want sex or an affair - my rationality accepts that it must never go that far. Maybe like happygirl I just want acknowledgment. That maybe in another lifetime we could have taken it further.

I'm almost certain he feels the same...He's not an outwardly flirty man or one that would show such desires freely...I don't really go for 'cads'....more the 'strong, silent' type so deciphering these things can be tricky. It's all in the looks...we've shared quite a few and little things that say there's something secret just between us.

 

We talk a lot - at work he is on a rotating shift in my department as we're trialling combining the graphics teams of the two offices in my city. So I see him fortnightly for two weeks at a time. This will be changing soon as we go on a six month full time trial so I'll see him for longer. We email each other when he's not in my office...and sometimes send each other things outside of work. Just chit chat and funny stuff. We go for walks to get lunch too. He calls me 'toots' and other cute nicknames. And oh my god he smells INCREDIBLE. I don't know what cologne he wears - Chanel maybe? But when he makes me coffee I can smell it on my cup. Oh and he's tall. The only physical feature I deem a requirement in men I am attracted to.

 

All these little things build up.

I doubt it will ever go anywhere. I know I'd probably have to be the one to push something if I wanted it. And I just want a kiss and that acknowledgment. And I don't want to put it out of my mind and forget about it. There's a good friendship there at least. But I'm of the firm belief that a man and a woman cannot have a platonic friendship without one at some point in time having feelings for the other.

 

As for my partner. It doesn't affect how I feel about him. Or our home life. We have a good sex life and everything is great. I wouldn't take time away from my partner to be with the crush if it ever came to that.

 

Until now I never thought I had the capacity to feel like this about someone and still love my partner 100%.

 

This is definitely a big ramble. Not making much sense cos this is the first time I've 'let it out'....just commiserating and sharing my experience happygirl :-D You're not alone and I don't think you're evil.

 

 

1.) you think there is an age gap between 26 and 32?

 

2.) you think the desire to kiss someone isnt stemming from a fundamental, instinct of sexual attraction? because it is.

 

3.) whatever chemistry, mutual attraction and other things you both share, you both have already started down the path to an affair... whether it be an emotional affair or not, will most likely, if continued, be a physical one as well.

 

4.) at 26 you should know that even if you were both single, office flings, romances, etc. NEVER work out and dangerously jeapordize your position/career. Nothing good comes from this. He should be old enough and although not that professionally experienced yet, but enough to realize how he compromises his professionalism, respect and chances for advancement.

 

You will be perceived as untrustworthy, silly, too immature to be taken seriously, etc. etc. etc. I think you might know the rest...

 

Im not saying its wrong or right... if you guys want to proceed... do it with caution and A LOT of discretion... not only because of your significant others but other colleagues...

 

Attraction can not be decided, controlled, turned off or on... its an emotional reaction... but, we as responsible adults learn how to cope: e.g., if we are already involved with someone, we can recognize the attraction, but dont act on it if we dont want to betray the other... or if we are in a business meeting and someone catches your fancy... its unprofessional... etc. etc. etc.

 

know how to put things and perspective

[kis]

Well, this is my first post and I'm kind of nervous. I work in a small-ish office (about 40 professionals, plus an equal number of support staff). There's a new guy-- a professional peer- who started about a year ago. And somehow I've developed this overwhelming crush on him. I mean, I just WANT him. And I think about him a lot. But I'm married-- happily! For over 10 years. I love my husband--he's the best! But our sex life is just ho-hum. And I have this fantasies about my new colleague that are so HOT. I know it's awful and I should be shot! My crush is married, too.

 

Okay-- it gets worse. I went to a conference a couple months ago and we went out to dinner with another colleague. We all got way too drunk. I managed to behave, but we were both flirting with each other all night. When we entered the elevator (having said goodnight to our other colleague), my heart started racing. As I got out on my floor, I told him I had a crush on him! Then I just left.

 

Well, obviously I was really embarrassed about telling him about my crush, especially since I was drunk (I don't drink much, so I'm not used to drinking!). When we got back to the office, I told him face to face that I was sorry, asked for his forgiveness, and told him I value him as a friend and colleague and didn't want to lose that. He was very gracious and said it was no problem, it was forgotten, and not to worry.

 

Since then we've still been chatting as much as before (at least once per day, often in my office with the door closed-- but only about professional issues). He asked me out to lunch the other day, and I've asked him out. We go alone, but still nothing unprofessional from either of us. Just business chit chat and light personal talk.

 

I catch him looking at me at almost every meeting. He quickly looks away. He seems to like talking with me as much as I like talking with him. He knows I have a crush on him. We still go to lunch. And even though I haven't acted on it-and not sure I ever will-- I still have this incredible crush on him. I'd love to just kiss him. Or maybe a one night stand, just to get it out of my system and move on with my life!

 

Okay-- so here's the questions:

 

1. Do you think he may have a crush on me to, from what I've described? He's never said so, and he doesn't behave inappropriately, just flirty in a no-pressure kind of way (which is wonderful).

 

2. How can I stop thinking about him and wanting him? Would it be better to go "cold turkey" and try to avoid/ignore him as much as possible?

 

3. Is it possible to lust after someone, have them, and then forget about them/move on? Or would this be playing with fire?

 

I know I'm not a poster girl for the good wife right now, though I do plan on staying married to my current husband for the rest of my life. I feel so confused-- this wasn't part of the plan, and it's taken me by surprise that I could lust after someone so much after so many years of being happily married.

 

If anyone's been through anything like this before, I would like to hear your story and how you handled it.

 

I have went thru the same exact thing you are going thru. It started four years ago. So confusing and overwelming at first. couldnt even be in his presense without getting hot allover. Had never experienced this before.

We did both feel the same way. both married. It never led to sex. It has been alot of fun, flirting and cant wait to see each other every day at work. That butterfly feeling in your stomach. We still talk to each other everyday at work. I dont believe it ever hurt my marriage in any way.

 

I do have one problem when I have sex with my husband the OM alway pops into my mind. I cant seam to stop this. Do you do that?

[Chibaby]

I have this EXACT same problem. I have the BIGGEST crush on this 42 year old man in my office, and I am 29. I can't stop thinking about him, and what it would be like to sleep with him. I feel like I am going crazy, I actually WANT to have an affair with him. My husband and I are actually moving out of state in a few weeks, and my husband is out of town, which makes things way worse! My husband is sweet, and my age, but I just want to get it on with this older guy for a few weeks, and then move away and leave it in the past forever.

 

I'm always thinking about ways to get to this man, and wondering if he notices me and if he feels the same. I'd hope he'd be flattered that a much younger woman notices him, but I have no way to get to him, we are in different departments and only chat in passing. I'm hoping moving will curb the feeling, but I want so strongly to act on it. I can't get him out of my head either, and I like the way it makes me feel. Argh, let me know how you end up handling it, at least you know you aren't alone. Good luck!

[Mary3]

There are alot of components here .

 

I believe you have CHEMISTRY big time . BOTH of you. One is playing Coy and one is stuffing her feelings down her throat.

 

You also have a marriage which is boring in the bedroom. I am sure you are not the only married couples who roll over and have vanilla sex everynight and wonder how to get it hotter.

 

I don't think you can walk by this guy and not want him. Its like walking by a pizza steaming hot on the table and not wanting it. Now if you are on a diet and are used to walking by yummy things then it might work.

 

You can either boink his brains out and destroy your marriage . Or you can get private counseling to save your lustfullness for your marriage.

 

Do you HONESTLY think you won't crush again on someone else ? You WILL.

 

Will this guy you are crushing on let this get out of hand and you both end up in bed ?

[happygirl1234]

 

Well, you gals are better than men. I'm nowhere a prude, but maybe I'm more oldfashioned than I thought.

 

Noticing people, yes, in a sexual way, yea, I guess, but a crush? and multiple crushes? I don't know, hearing about my wife wanting to f**ck some guy at work would make me completely limp in the bedroom. I work hard to look good for her-harder than SHE tries. it would be just be a big bummer. I just don't know how knowing this info can make it hotter. "Honey, I so want to bang the hot guy at work" I think about him in ways I never think about you- doesn't that turn you on"? uh no.

 

God, marriages are just business partnerships. CAn we all just cut our losses, or just be wild swingers?

 

Well, I guess the difference to me is that "noticing people.... in a sexual way" is the male version of a female "crush." After all, a guy that notices a woman "in a sexual way" wants to bang her, right? And a woman, who has been raised to "feel" something before she bangs someone, calls it a "crush." But when it comes right down to it, aren't they really the same thing?

 

As for marriages being "just business partnerships," I disagree. Marriages are partnerships, but they are partnerships that are primarily emotional. You CARE for someone, and you promise to always care. You may not be perfect (scratch that-- who is?), but you promise to TRY. And when you have children together, they act like glue. They give you every incentive to stay together, to keep that bond. So while we may have sexual thoughts/crushes about others--and some of us may fall off the wagon sometimes-- we still want to keep the M going because of the emotional partnership.

 

Maybe I'm just very pragmatic about it, but swinging, to me, doesn't provide the long-term emotional partnership that most of us seek in a marriage. But being married doesn't always mean remaining untempted, and some of us may act on that temptation. BTW, I still haven't acted on my temptation, though it is still very strong.....

[happygirl1234]

I have this EXACT same problem. I have the BIGGEST crush on this 42 year old man in my office, and I am 29. I can't stop thinking about him, and what it would be like to sleep with him. I feel like I am going crazy, I actually WANT to have an affair with him. My husband and I are actually moving out of state in a few weeks, and my husband is out of town, which makes things way worse! My husband is sweet, and my age, but I just want to get it on with this older guy for a few weeks, and then move away and leave it in the past forever.

 

I'm always thinking about ways to get to this man, and wondering if he notices me and if he feels the same. I'd hope he'd be flattered that a much younger woman notices him, but I have no way to get to him, we are in different departments and only chat in passing. I'm hoping moving will curb the feeling, but I want so strongly to act on it. I can't get him out of my head either, and I like the way it makes me feel. Argh, let me know how you end up handling it, at least you know you aren't alone. Good luck!

 

Thanks, Chibaby. What I can say is that, IMO, if YOU feel something for this man, the chances are pretty good that he's feeling it, too.

 

I am not 100 percent sure that my crush feels the same way. But you look for signs, such as: Is he spending time with you for no apparent reason? Does he ask you out to lunch or coffee? Does he compliment you, even if only professionally? Does his face light up when he sees you? If you pass by, does he always look at you, as if he can't take his eyes off you?

 

I know how you feel, and I know how frustrating this kind of intense crush can be. Personally, I DO think you can just "get it out of your system", espcially since you are moving away soon. That distance could be your perfect exit. But just be SURE that you are in full control of your emotions before doing anything-- which is why I haven't made any overt move on my crush. If you can't keep it as "sex only"--friends with benefits-- that might work. Anything else would be dangerous. So think about that.....

[Chibaby]

Thanks, that makes me feel so much better that someone else is going through the same thing! I don't think the thought has even occured to this guy that I'm interested...the age gap is sort of big, and I look younger then I am. I mean, 13 years, well, lets face it, I think most guys in there 40's are not exactly thinking that a married 20 something girl sees them as a sex object. He's an accountant, so he's very work focused.

 

Ugh so frustrating, I even tried to give subtle hints, when I walked by his office today I told him I was making up excuses to see him...I mean I honestly was, but he didn't quite pick up on the fact that I was throwing him a bone. I don't want to be more aggressive because he may think I'm a total idiot.

 

Aside for the loose moral issues at hand, I know I'm a catch for a man his age... even if it is just for sex, I think that a lot of men dream of this kind of situation happening to them. I can't help it, he's just got that something.

 

But back to the real world, I don't think it's meant to be, which is probably a good thing, but if he were to give me the chance I'd jump on it. Guess I'll just sit in my corner and wait until I move far away and get over him. However, if he made the first move, I don't think I'd be able to resist.....do you think if your guy made the first move something would happen?

[happygirl1234]

Thanks, that makes me feel so much better that someone else is going through the same thing! I don't think the thought has even occured to this guy that I'm interested...the age gap is sort of big, and I look younger then I am. I mean, 13 years, well, lets face it, I think most guys in there 40's are not exactly thinking that a married 20 something girl sees them as a sex object. He's an accountant, so he's very work focused.

 

Ugh so frustrating, I even tried to give subtle hints, when I walked by his office today I told him I was making up excuses to see him...I mean I honestly was, but he didn't quite pick up on the fact that I was throwing him a bone. I don't want to be more aggressive because he may think I'm a total idiot.

 

Aside for the loose moral issues at hand, I know I'm a catch for a man his age... even if it is just for sex, I think that a lot of men dream of this kind of situation happening to them. I can't help it, he's just got that something.

 

But back to the real world, I don't think it's meant to be, which is probably a good thing, but if he were to give me the chance I'd jump on it. Guess I'll just sit in my corner and wait until I move far away and get over him. However, if he made the first move, I don't think I'd be able to resist.....do you think if your guy made the first move something would happen?

 

Chibaby,

 

For what it's worth, my H and I are more than 10 years apart in age. So older men are very often accustomed to younger women wanting them. You are younger, true, but it's not exactly a May-December difference. My H and I don't notice the difference all that much.

 

I think that if my guy made the first move, I would probably return it. It all depends on the where/when/how factor. But if it were sufficiently sexy and honest, I would probably fall like a brick. But if it turned out to be a hesitant or wimpy move, it could turn me off.... So I guess it just depends on whether the reality would live up to the fantasy. But if he's half the stud muffin I think he is, I would be hard pressed to resist.

[cooldudeinberlin]

the age gap is sort of big, and I look younger then I am. I mean, 13 years, well, lets face it, I think most guys in there 40's are not exactly thinking that a married 20 something girl sees them as a sex object. He's an accountant, so he's very work focused.

 

 

Aside for the loose moral issues at hand, I know I'm a catch for a man his age... even if it is just for sex, I think that a lot of men dream of this kind of situation happening to them. I can't help it, he's just got that something.

 

 

No offense, but dont kid yourself... do you know how often "younger" women come on to older guys? and yes, sometimes VERY young (still legal, but ridiculously young)... and chances are, its not going to flatter someone that is used to it happening to them, unless it was someone that possessed something other than some shallow traits... as, to be perfectly honest, Ive seen more women in their 30's to late 30's simply run circles around even women in their early 20's (energy, looks, body and obviously on the intelligence/experience scale)...

 

so "Knowing" you are a catch sounds a little naive... hmmm... apparently he is unware... sounds like YOU are the one that thinks HE is someone that is a catch for a WOMAN YOUR AGE.

 

Little tip... any desirable older man knows their worth, not in an arrogant way, but knows the deal and isnt that easily flattered by every curvy Jane that comes along and thinks by her batting her eye lashes that's going to simply do it

 

dont get me wrong, Im not trying to bag on you... Im just a very direct person and trying to perhaps show you a bigger perspective to the entire situation. Besides... 12-13 year age gap (with the 42-29) isnt hardly a huge age gap... if you were 22 or 23... yeah, you are the younger woman, but you are 29, you are a mature, confident woman who has already had some experience out there and are capable of sustaining a normal relationship (even if it was only a fling)

[kittykat84]

1.) you think there is an age gap between 26 and 32?

 

2.) you think the desire to kiss someone isnt stemming from a fundamental, instinct of sexual attraction? because it is.

 

3.) whatever chemistry, mutual attraction and other things you both share, you both have already started down the path to an affair... whether it be an emotional affair or not, will most likely, if continued, be a physical one as well.

 

4.) at 26 you should know that even if you were both single, office flings, romances, etc. NEVER work out and dangerously jeapordize your position/career. Nothing good comes from this. He should be old enough and although not that professionally experienced yet, but enough to realize how he compromises his professionalism, respect and chances for advancement.

 

You will be perceived as untrustworthy, silly, too immature to be taken seriously, etc. etc. etc. I think you might know the rest...

 

Im not saying its wrong or right... if you guys want to proceed... do it with caution and A LOT of discretion... not only because of your significant others but other colleagues...

 

Attraction can not be decided, controlled, turned off or on... its an emotional reaction... but, we as responsible adults learn how to cope: e.g., if we are already involved with someone, we can recognize the attraction, but dont act on it if we dont want to betray the other... or if we are in a business meeting and someone catches your fancy... its unprofessional... etc. etc. etc.

 

know how to put things and perspective

 

Wow that is really making a big leap there about what kind of person I am as well as how far into this 'affair' we are.

 

I think kis's reply is a perfect example of how not all mutual crushes turn into affairs or even lead to sex.

 

As a responsible adult and having the ability to put things into perspective, I know I have overstepped no boundaries nor compromised the professionalism both of us have.

 

Not every flirty interaction between two people is a cookie-cutter, straight and narrow path to an illicit liason.

[kittykat84]

some more developments with the boy.....

last week he made me brownies to share between us and not tell anyone else at work. Hehe.

there was many a look between us.

he lent me a movie to watch and on Saturday I texted him to say it was cool. we texted for a few hours and he invited me over to dinner the next day.

I went all the way out to his place and he picked me up from the train station (he lives in the burbs and I'm near the CBD). Him and his wife made us beef burgundy for dinner followed by chocolate souffle. Accompanied by the wine I had given them which my dad makes.

we chatted lots and it was much fun.

His wife is sweet (I've met her before). I like her! Always have.

He drove me back to the station late at night. We waited in his car for a bit cos he didn't want to leave me alone before I got on the train as it's not the best part of town. After a bit in the car he got out with me and waited on the platform. Then he even walked up to the train and opened the door for me at the very last minute.

There was a very weird and awkward and cute feeling - I wanted to kiss him so bad (and it felt like he wanted me to) and I gave him the LAMEST pat on the arm as I left. God I'm a dork.

But then when the train had left he sent me a text apologising for being so awkward and to make sure I let him know when I get home safely.

So when I arrived home I sent him a text to say all was good and I had fun.

He said goodnight and "ps, you looked smashing tonight"

*squee*

Then TODAY he sends me an email (he's back at the other office this fortnight) just of general chit chat - how the coffee is that he ordered in for the office (he bought it out of his own money when he doesn't have to) and a list of metal bands playing in May. He offered to take my brother to a concert when he visits from interstate next month. He's so sweet and such a gentleman - and I told him so hehe.

 

So I guess he knows more now that I like him. I still don't want an affair. I just want him to KNOW that I think he's truly fantastic and that we could have been.

[happygirl1234]

I went all the way out to his place and he picked me up from the train station (he lives in the burbs and I'm near the CBD). Him and his wife made us beef burgundy for dinner followed by chocolate souffle. Accompanied by the wine I had given them which my dad makes.

we chatted lots and it was much fun.

His wife is sweet (I've met her before). I like her! Always have.

.

 

KittyKat,

 

So your crush invited you over to his house for dinner.... with his WIFE???? What about your H? Did he come, too? (can't remember: You are married, too, right?).

 

Hmmm..... that's a bit odd. But it suggests that your crush is trying really hard to be open with his wife, to not hide you. So maybe he is trying super hard to resist and keep things on the up and up.

 

In my own case, my crush's wife came to the office one day and, although he was standing right next to me and chatting, he didn't even introduce us! I thought that was weird, but then I realized that he might have felt awkward about introducing us. I smiled at her, but then I had to leave, so there was never any formal introduction. But if he is trying to keep me and her separated in his mind, then maybe a formal introduction would not be his preference. But whatever, maybe I'm reading too much into it....

 

Another weird update on my crush is that I had an event last weekend at work-- nice reception. My crush was there, as was I. Neither of our spouses attended. We chatted with others all night, occasionally catching each others' eyes across the room. At the end of the night, he followed me to my office (the event was in our office building). I grabbed my purse and started to leave. He said "let me walk you out." So he walked me to the parking lot. We reached his car first and he said, "Do you need a ride to your car?" I said no, since mine was just a couple of spaces beyond his. He got in his car and kind of drove around the parking lot for a moment, like he didn't know where he was going. Not sure what that was all about. I kind of hoped he would pull his car up to mine and ask me to go get a bite to eat or something. But alas, no such luck....

 

Still doing the one-on-one lunch thing, but still no overt moves by either one of us. Kind of wondering if we're becoming just "good friends" who find each other attractive. Entering the safe zone????? Seems to me that after several months of this pattern of behavior, maybe neither one of us has the guts to cross the line.... I would still like to (on some level), but I'm not 100 percent sure he wants me to, so for now I just stand in limbo, wildly attracted to him but super hesitant. Heavy sigh.