What's wrong with being childfree??

[Eve]

I think it natural to question such things. I never thought I would have any kids..

 

Still I would hold tight with the counselling as abuse can bring about an illusion in terms of choice. The reclaiming of choices are usually a pivitol aspect of the counselling process; it may be that you still do not want children, or you may change. What matters is that you work through aspects of the abuse and come to a new sense of peace. From this point of liberation things can seem different or just simply clearer.

 

Anyhow, I wouldnt get too fixated about the birth aspect.. its what happens around the 12 - 18 year old mark thats the true challenge.. Yes, kids are a whole lot of trouble! .. but SO adorable, with their little tiny shoes and their fat little wrists and cheeks and little pyjamas ..

 

*Eve pulls herself together*

 

Anyhow... I hope things work out for you both.

 

 

Take care,

Eve xx

Edited February 11, 2010 by Eve

[hersmudders]

I guess..you really don't need a list of reasons why not. If you don't want to be a mother, then it's okay!

 

Honestly..it seems the biggest headache of being childless..is all the questions and comments about your decision. Don't let it get to you!

 

This is so very true!! I don't want children either. I'm a 27 year old woman and the most annoying thing in my decision is hearing "oh you'll change your mind!" Or "you'll change your mind hwen you meet the right guy!" Well guess what? I've met my right guy and he doesn't want kids either

 

"My goodness, you don't want children? Why ever not??"

 

"Because they're a drain on resources, this world is already over-populated and I'm not the maternal type."

"Oh, I'm sure you'll change your mind...."

"$350,000 dollars says I won't....."

"What do you mean....?"

"That's how much it costs to raise a kid. One kid. I'm happy to keep that money and spend it on something I want to spend it on, not on something society seems to think I should spend it on...."

 

 

Does that help....?

............................

I've said all this so many times. people who don't know me still retort with some smart ass comment about the joys kids bring.

 

 

OP, the choice is yours and yours alone (along with your husband of course). Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. My reasons are similar to yours. I am worried about what pregnancy will do to my body. It's natural to worry about that.

 

Also, I have an alcoholic mother and a selfish unemotional father. In many ways I've always felt abandoned by my parents even though they've always been in my life. I don't want my child to have them as grandparents. That's big enough reason for me. I worry about turning into my mom with my kids as far as the abuse goes from what I endured as a child (not so much the alcoholism b/c I don't drink). I worry about my child having to compete for a job in an even more over populated world in 25 years. I worry about my child contributing to the amount of garbage landfills have to hold. I'm worried about my child taking food from the starving kids already out there. I'd rather die knowing I didn't have someone to contribute to our overpopulated and polluted planet.

 

I also have an amazing relationship with my boyfriend and call me selfish but I want to continue to have that.

 

My list is even longer but those are the main ones.

 

And I don't dislike kids. Not at all. I have a 2 month old nephew whom I absolutely LOVE. But even though he's just 2 months, my sister is already seeing how bad his life with his grandparents will be and it makes her sad. It's sad that my dad doesn't care to see his grandson and that he wasn't exciterd about him being born. My nephew will be suffering through that his whole life. He will have his father's parents, who are already proving to be amazing and loving grandparents but he won't get the benefit of 2 sets, which saddens my sister.

 

There's nothing wrong with being childfree (we're not childLESS either!). Embrace your decision if it makes you happy

[Eve]

If you don't feel the need to defend your reasons for being childfree, and don't want your comments to be criticised and possibly disagreed with, why bother posting them on a public forum?

 

 

I had also considered this and have come to the conclusion that -

 

1. The OP has been saying this stuff to people with children in real life and not been received well because of her present 'up and down' tone.

 

2. The OP has an inability to discern the difference between a rant and what is a manifestation of maybe a deeper question. Many many people do not know the difference. Scroll this board and .. well .. there you are..

 

Her being in counselling may assist. My thoughts though at this time are that a combination of the two points I have raised are probably somewhere near the mark. Afterall, why should she she have a child and raise it when she is free? Perfectly normal question... but alas, maybe this was her mothers lament also but with child in tow? Safe, timely separtion from the parent often does not happen well for many conflicting reasons, even when dysfunctionally, it has..

 

I only say this because the issue with the Mum of the OP was raisd by the OP and a child like stance is taken as a defence.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[sally4sara]

Not to be vulgar, but mothers are never as *ahem* tight in a certain spot as they were before kids.

This is *ahem* not true. There are many resourses you can look into it you feel like learning about it though I doubt this is your big decider reason.

 

I also don't believe I could handle the pain of birth. Why in the world would I want to go through that?

 

Oh man! The drugs they offer you to deal with this are solid. Giving birth was so not a big deal compared to being pregnant.

 

I grew up with an unhappy, abusive mother. She used to savagely beat me for the slightest mistakes and she never missed an opportunity to tell me how stupid and ugly I was. She also told me which children she preferred (Hint: not me.) I was a decent child who did well in school, did my chores and didn't get pregnant at a young age. She didn't apppreciate me until I left home. Most people give their children whatever they received as a child, good or bad. I am concerned that I may abuse my own children, because I was abused.

 

BlackLovely, you and I could swap stories about which of us received the worst injuries, both physical and mental, at the hands of our mothers. I had the same fears you did when I found out (after having NOT missed a period ) that I was 13 weeks pregnant by my husband whom I was trying to leave.

 

But I have never lost my temper with my son. He is the best parts of me and, by far, the greatest thing I've EVER done in my life. I am very lucky to have him. But I do understand your worries on this. It is up to you if you wish to break the cycle of abuse through motherhood or if you wish to break the cycle of abuse by not being a mother at all.

 

Beyond all that though, there is nothing at all wrong with remaining childless. Its your life. Do what is best for you.

[Tayla]

I applaud this person for making an adult choice that is right for her relationship and lifestyle.

 

Made me laugh though in a good way on a few matters.

Mothers live longer then Childfree folks on average. Why is that?? Mothers have an innate desire to live to see the day when their adult child comes home and quietly says "Mom, you were right". Lets face it ,its worth all the money we spent to hear those words

 

I wish it did only cost money to raise children, YOu cant put a price on the counseling, guidance, days of worries or the JOY to see them receive that diploma or take that adult step that validates you did well by them. Such cannot be computated realistically. I consider being a parent to make one unselfish and think outside the little world of "I" "Me" concept....

 

TO the poster who alledged that poverty equates to abuse, I would welcome you to my town where I know a family that lived in poverty and had the most respectable children and gratefulness. The only abuse they endured was the degradation by the middle and upper class for not having the *BEST* material things, but they did have the BEST lives, The love of two parents that worked , raised them with morals and now all 8 kids have community driven jobs. THey learned what matters and its isn't found on a label or in a well to do neighborhood. I went to school with them and to this day I reflect on how lucky those kids really were to grow up in a loving family.

[Neutrino]

Blacklovely : nothing wrong with being child-free (I made the same choice), and nothing wrong with being a parent. Not to mention you are also free to change your mind at any time.

 

You are naming a lot of reasons and counting the sacrifices, I think I recognize something here....

 

If you had the motherly instinct and wanted a child, all those sacrifices would become meaningless in comparison with the reward.

 

Maybe you simply never had motherly instincts - you know, that biological feeling that you want a child (I can not think of a good description...)

 

Even being in perfect health, great shape, enough income and everything you could possibly want in life - it is your desicion and yours only.

 

And it's ok

 

** Wanted children are great for all involved - unwanted children are a disaster for all involved, just make sure you use effective contraception.

Edited February 12, 2010 by Neutrino

[Disillusioned]

I think the only reason why anyone would accuse childfree people of being selfish is because either 1. they come from an ethnic background which puts a lot of pressure on young people to have kids, or 2. they're just clinging to an old-fashioned mentality. Remember, infant mortality rates used to be a lot higher.

 

I never wanted to be a daddy because I knew I was never cut out for it. My late mother only wanted me to have kids so she could spoil them and make me miserable... and she knew that I knew it. I was the boy who got socks and underwear at Christmas while the other boys got BB guns and go-carts.

 

Later on, I learned that when someone becomes a mother or a father, they start believing all sorts of cockamamy things, and the logic areas in their brains stop working.

[tigereyes1428]

its not selfish to not want them - its selfish to have them and not want them though - if your sure of your decisions then its no one else's business but yours.

I have always been maternal and always knew the kids were the one thing in life i wanted - some people feel like that others dont - thats what makes life interesting

good luck with your life

x

[bentnotbroken]

If you don't want children, don't have them. There is nothing wrong with not having children. But as so others have stated be prepared for a change of heart. It is possible.

[Disillusioned]

What's REALLY selfish is when people have kids and try to turn them into "mini me".

[stillafool]

Mothers live longer then Childfree folks on average. Why is that??

 

 

Really? I heard it was the opposite. I read somewhere where single women live longer than married women, but married men live longer than single men. I don't know but my grandma had 4 sisters. My grandma was the only one who married and had 7 kids. My grandma died at the age of 65 and her sisters are now in their 90's and still going strong. You do the math!

[stillafool]

its not selfish to not want them - its selfish to have them and not want them thoughx

 

Finally, someone gets this!

[stillafool]

If you don't want children, don't have them. There is nothing wrong with not having children. But as so others have stated be prepared for a change of heart. It is possible.

 

 

This is what people love to tell you. I can say in all these years I have never, ever had a change of heart.

[stillafool]

I just never understand why it is when you tell people you don't want kids they try to make you change your mind. Why can't people just accept that you really do not want kids and just say okay. I have never told anyone I didn't want kids who didn't want to argue with me about it. It was my choice - why do they even care?

[RedDevil66]

I'm 43 and knew from when I was a kid I never wanted kids. I was always busy with school, work, my business, now at 43 I'm in med school. No way I could have done all this had I had kids.

 

I don't regret it for one moment. If everyone had the urge to have kids, imagine how much more overpopulated the world we be. Life is about balance and the universe makes sure it stays that way.

[Trimmer]

I just never understand why it is when you tell people you don't want kids they try to make you change your mind. Why can't people just accept that you really do not want kids and just say okay. I have never told anyone I didn't want kids who didn't want to argue with me about it. It was my choice - why do they even care?

 

The interesting thing about the bolded statement is that although it may be true for you (and if so, you hang out with a bunch of insensitive dorks...) it also perpetuates the "us vs. them" atmosphere, and the idea that "all" people with kids are this way. And we aren't.

 

I hear your choice, and I don't want to change your mind. I don't even want to tell you that you might change your mind, as I find that a little smug. I don't just understand your choice, I respect and admire it; I'm even a little envious some days, and I don't have any need or expectation for you to be envious of me. You're great, just the way you are.

 

And from here on out, you can "never" say that you've "never" told anyone and not had them try to change your mind.

[Disillusioned]

I just never understand why it is when you tell people you don't want kids they try to make you change your mind. Why can't people just accept that you really do not want kids and just say okay. I have never told anyone I didn't want kids who didn't want to argue with me about it. It was my choice - why do they even care?

 

A female friend who has a teenage son once tried to get me to believe that the daddy instinct will sneak up on me. But I'm too rational for that to happen.

[bentnotbroken]

This is what people love to tell you. I can say in all these years I have never, ever had a change of heart.

 

 

What I said was it is possible. Not that it will happen, it should happen or something is wrong with OP if it doesn't happen. Just don't feel pressured one way or the other.

[bentnotbroken]

A female friend who has a teenage son once tried to get me to believe that the daddy instinct will sneak up on me. But I'm too rational for that to happen.

 

 

For the record, most of us who chose to have children aren't irrational in our choice. I hope that wasn't what your were implying.

[Disillusioned]

 

 

For the record, most of us who chose to have children aren't irrational in our choice. I hope that wasn't what your were implying.

 

That's not what I'm saying. My point is, my quality of life is not bad because I've made rational decisions. To chuck it all on a paternal whim would make no sense whatsoever. Except to the bill collector.

[bentnotbroken]

That's not what I'm saying. My point is, my quality of life is not bad because I've made rational decisions. To chuck it all on a paternal whim would make no sense whatsoever. Except to the bill collector.

 

 

Appreciate the clarification.

[greatgirlfriend]

While having children isn't for everyone, I think some of the OP reasons for not having kids are excuses. I understand though where she's coming from. Back in my 20's I never wanted kids and part of the reason is because I didn't want to mess my body up. I was a model then and was convinced that a pregnancy would put an end to my career. Besides at the time I wasn't dating many guys who would have made good dads. Many would have abandoned me and I wasn't thinking of bringing a fatherless child into the world. Up until a few years ago I was seriously considering tubal ligation because I was so sure I didn't want a baby.

 

Flash forward to today. I am 39 and my modeling career is long over. My body isn't in as great shape as it was and I have to work much harder just so I don't get obese. I have started dating a guy with issues, but whom would make a great dad if it happened. The ironic problem is he used to want kids, and I didn't, now he doesn't due to expenses (he likes kids), while I am leaning more towards having one. We have just started dating so this isn't even an issue yet, but if we get very serious (say at least in 6 months to a year or so) I'll mention it to him again (he insists he never wants to marry, though he did years ago). As I get older, I lean more and more towards having a baby, though I realistically I wouldn't have one until 41 and might only have one or two. My only fear is that I'll definitely decide I want a baby and then it'll be too late.

[bentnotbroken]

Whether you label them reasons or excuses, a person who doesn't want children, definitely shouldn't have them. It makes for a potentially baaad situation.

[greatgirlfriend]

Whether you label them reasons or excuses, a person who doesn't want children, definitely shouldn't have them. It makes for a potentially baaad situation.

 

No they shouldn't have them, I just think those cases are silly. Children isn't for everyone. I know 10 years ago it would have a disaster for me. Even now it would be a disaster because I am currently unemployed, my boyfriend makes little, and it's early in our relationship (we knew each other for years). Maybe in 6 months to a year it would be better, maybe not.

[Ross PK]

There's nothing wrong with not wanting/having kids at all.

 

It's the people who think there's something wrong with it who have the problem. ^_^