sunshinegirl Posted February 11, 2010 Share Posted February 11, 2010 OP I don't think its about you going for guys out of your league. I've been in the same position as you, everyone that I really, really liked and felt a connection with never, ever wanted me back. I read somewhere that this is not to do with the men, but to do with you. Basically that you are totally unconsciously choosing men that aren't going to want you back. The theory goes that somewhere deep inside you are afraid of getting hurt and of getting too close to someone, so you go for an unavailable man or men. These types of men don't want you back, thus confirming for you that this is what always happens, that you have nothing to offer and it hurts, you don't want to get hurt again, thus once again go for an unavailable man unconsciously. I thought about this and my first thought was 'no! that's not true, I do want a boyfriend, I do want a relationship'...but then looked back at my history and there was a pattern there of fixating on guys that yes, I got on great with but who from the very beginning had stated through actions or words that it wasn't going anywhere. Normal people at that point walk away. I didn't, I clung on in hoping they'd change their mind and hurt myself in the process. What helps is to think about what you want, and that includes that you want someone you like to want you back. If they don't, off the list. This prevents the obsessing along the lines of 'why doesn't he want me, what's so wrong with me?' which leads to you being insecure and attracting insecure men, which also repeats the cycle. You don't want to end up feeling so worthless that you are simply grateful for any attention from anyone instead of feeling confident and desireable. Boom! This! Can't believe it took almost 50 posts for someone to mention this as a possibility. I had the same thing - for years I had crushes on men who didn't want me back, or I dated men whose actions totally contradicted their words and I wound up very hurt and rejected in the end. It wasn't until I examined the common denominator in all of those situations - ME - that I figured out that I was unconsciously drawn to unavailable men. Once I sorted that out, I became open to men who might actually want me too... and I'm now dating a GREAT man who just told me this morning about his "ring fund". To be honest, my eyes glazed over at all the ratings posts, and the superficiality associated with them. Sure, attraction is a part of it, but since I believe the OP is a woman, I seriously doubt it's a problem of aiming 'too high'. I'd guess it's more a case of aiming at inappropriate/incapable/unavailable men for internal and maybe unconscious reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Lakeside_runner Posted February 11, 2010 Share Posted February 11, 2010 No. Men in general, have consensus when it comes to whats beautiful and not. If you venture in the 6's and 7's that's when it becomes subjective as I have been posting on LS that most fall within the 5-7 range (average). Um, as far as I recall I didn't say that the OP is looking for someone out of his league. What I merely suggested is that maybe they want to work on themselves to become more attractive and this will increase their chance of meeting someone who likes them back. Certainly, it is true that some people are more attractive than others but that does not imply that we have to suck it up and pretend that we're happy with what we have or what we can get. Example: after a bad bad break up of a relationship that lasted for 4.5 years I hit the gym hard and lost 20 lbs. I picked up running, I picekd up Aikido which became my passion and now when I see a girl and she asks me for my hobbies or passions I know what to say... Oh and by no means am I implying that the OP is unattractive or something. I can just repat: 1 - either lower your standards (if the present ones are unreasonably high) or 2 - work on yourself and increase the odds! Link to post Share on other sites
Lakeside_runner Posted February 11, 2010 Share Posted February 11, 2010 OK, so my friend told me about this website www.hotornot.com You can rate people's attractiveness, and then it shows you the average rating from everyone else. Haha! This website is just BS!!! I have never seen anyone there with an average rating of 2 or 3. Everybody is suddenly a 7 or 8 or 9.9! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 11, 2010 Share Posted February 11, 2010 Ok, if the standards are ridiculously high then yeah - you've got to lower them. But there is nothing wrong with a simultaneous improvement of your qualities right? It may take some time but - hit the gym, pick up some hobbies etc. I absolutely agree. I am assuming MissJones doesn't have this problem. I don't know what she looks like. But, absolutely you have to keep yourself in shape, good grooming, outside interests, etc., and then if it still isn't working - try a different type. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 11, 2010 Share Posted February 11, 2010 I think the whole league thing is tricky,unless youre hitting on 9's and 10's which i dont think the op is doing the majority of people are in the average range either in the middle or a little below or above. Some of you seem to want the OP to detect right away if a women is to good for him beneath him or on the same level before approaching,who the heck knows? How should he know? Should he say to himself im a 5 this girls a 7 i cant get her? Everyone has different tastes,just because he likes soembody who you might think is closer to or on his his level of attratcivness doesnt mean shes atuomotically gonna like him and just becasue theres a girl who in your eyes is above him doesnt mean she wont Ive seen my girflriends date guys who i thought were "below" them so to speak looks wise and have seen them reject guys i thought were gorgeous then realized gasp we all like different things The whole standards thing is a tricky thing is all im saying,its not as black and white as youre making it out to be by telling him to hit on less attractive women The OP is a woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted February 11, 2010 Share Posted February 11, 2010 Haha! This website is just BS!!! I have never seen anyone there with an average rating of 2 or 3. Everybody is suddenly a 7 or 8 or 9.9! That's why I thought I was rating people too low! Well how do you get a realistic idea of different points on the attractiveness scale then? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 11, 2010 Share Posted February 11, 2010 since I believe the OP is a woman, I seriously doubt it's a problem of aiming 'too high'. I'd guess it's more a case of aiming at inappropriate/incapable/unavailable men for internal and maybe unconscious reasons. Why would you think that just because the OP is a woman that she isn't aiming 'too high'. Women are as guilty of this as men. Link to post Share on other sites
AD1980 Posted February 11, 2010 Share Posted February 11, 2010 I find it difficult to differentiate between people on a 1-10 scale. I tend to assume I'm a little above average (I guess you always tend to see yourself as the everyman) but other people seem to think I'm more attractive than that, although I'm definitely not a 10. Also the guys I date seem acceptable to me, but my friends quite often go "ewww" at my new boyfriend. Maybe my perception is just totally skewed? We all know that girls like Megan Fox etc are 10s. What would be really helpful is if someone could post links to pictures of guys and girls who they'd class as 5s, 7s, 9s, etc. Then both the OP and I could figure out whether our perception is skewed. It just means you have different tastes then your friends im sure youre not attracted to every guy your friends are with.. Maybe women are different and meaner then Men with it comes to that stuff becasue ive enver said to one of my male friends about his girlfriend eww why are you with her shes ugly thats so shallow and mean.. Do modt women do this if they dotn find their friends Man attractive? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 11, 2010 Share Posted February 11, 2010 Do most women do this if they don't find their friend's Man attractive? Can't speak to 'most', but I know my stbx's friends did, about me. She told me. I laughed. Life's too short to worry about the mirrors others look into. Link to post Share on other sites
Silver_star Posted February 11, 2010 Share Posted February 11, 2010 You need to ask yourself "why do i like this girl/guy" what is it about them that is so great? How do they make me feel? If your values are based solely around looks, well then i think it says something about yourself. I think it says that your insecure and you want to feel better by scoring a "hot chick". Whats more important though is not focusing on people that "dont like you back" and focusing more on yourself and learning to love yourself. Confidence is attractive, and liberating. Once you find it, you wont care why some girl/guy wont like you back. Things tend to fall right into place. Link to post Share on other sites
Johnny M Posted February 11, 2010 Share Posted February 11, 2010 Sure, attraction is a part of it, but since I believe the OP is a woman, I seriously doubt it's a problem of aiming 'too high'. I'd guess it's more a case of aiming at inappropriate/incapable/unavailable men for internal and maybe unconscious reasons. What exactly are you trying to say here? That women are less likely to have unrealistic standards than men? Stop deluding yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted February 11, 2010 Share Posted February 11, 2010 (edited) Eh, poorly chosen words, I admit. I was reacting to the assumption that several posters seemed to be making that she's aiming too high. I wanted to raise the possibility that there's internal stuff going on for her that's causing her to choose men who are utterly unavailable...and to suggest that, if I had to bet, I would have predicted that for the OP it's due to internal stuff - based on some other things I've seen her post, and based on being a woman and knowing many women in my life who have had similar self-defeating "man-picking" patterns. I didn't mean to make a blanket statement. On another note, I have a hard time with the language of "aiming high" "aiming low" and these 1-10 rating systems, as they all just seem incredibly shallow, and there is way more to people than that. *shrug* Just my view. Carry on. Edited February 11, 2010 by sunshinegirl Link to post Share on other sites
gypsy_nicky Posted February 11, 2010 Share Posted February 11, 2010 On another note, I have a hard time with the language of "aiming high" "aiming low" and these 1-10 rating systems, as they all just seem incredibly shallow, and there is way more to people than that. *shrug* Just my view. Carry on. B.S. It's also shallow if your gold digging for a man's wallet. Personality cannot account for 90% of human relationship or else we would be dating whomever found our personality attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
gypsy_nicky Posted February 11, 2010 Share Posted February 11, 2010 Um, as far as I recall I didn't say that the OP is looking for someone out of his league. What I merely suggested is that maybe they want to work on themselves to become more attractive and this will increase their chance of meeting someone who likes them back. Certainly, it is true that some people are more attractive than others but that does not imply that we have to suck it up and pretend that we're happy with what we have or what we can get. Example: after a bad bad break up of a relationship that lasted for 4.5 years I hit the gym hard and lost 20 lbs. I picked up running, I picekd up Aikido which became my passion and now when I see a girl and she asks me for my hobbies or passions I know what to say... Oh and by no means am I implying that the OP is unattractive or something. I can just repat: 1 - either lower your standards (if the present ones are unreasonably high) or 2 - work on yourself and increase the odds! whyd you stray off topic. My post didn't even address these concerns. Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted February 11, 2010 Share Posted February 11, 2010 (edited) B.S. It's also shallow if your gold digging for a man's wallet. Personality cannot account for 90% of human relationship or else we would be dating whomever found our personality attractive. I'm sorry? What's BS? I said nothing one way or the other about gold digging. Did you somehow surmise from my comment that I am in support of any such behavior? I also was not referring to "personality" but instead what are sometimes deeper and unconscious drives to fill in missing or empty pieces from early childhood. I didn't put it that way earlier, but there are PLENTY of women who had bad primary relationships with their fathers, and this plays out later in pathological and unhealthy choices in men. Again, I was merely raising this possibility in a thread which had somehow devolved into a discussion about rating people on a 1-10 scale. For whatever it's worth, I don't know anyone in a healthy, happy relationship who describes their partner in such terms. "Yeah, I was really hatin' life when I was chasing all those 8's. I'm so much happier with my SO Sylvia, who's a 6, at BEST..." Not sure the OP has been heard from since the initial post, BTW. Edited February 12, 2010 by sunshinegirl Link to post Share on other sites
OpenGL Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 Yeah, how do you solve this dilemma? anyone ever had this problem and finally found a way to have happiness in relationships? What happened to losing weight and skin lightening? Didn't work out for you? Link to post Share on other sites
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