Joe Normal Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 Go for it Jeff. Remember - bigamy is when you have one wife too many; monogamy is the same. Link to post Share on other sites
cuppa Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 well, Jeff,you don't know because you never asked or because your wife won't tell you? Surely, you must have asked? I've had my share of "I don't know", but then I got to the root of it... can't fix anything if you don't talk? Put resentment aside - both of you - talk and try and resolve your issues... MC still warmly recommended... BTW, my children are 17, 14, 11 and 8... and played a big part in trying to fix the marriage... results are mixed, but then I'm only human... Giotto, do you mind sharing what the root of your issue? I am in the same boat as you & Jeff and I have a few suspicion but mostly I can't tell for sure. I am just curious on how you get the root of it. My MC got postponed (it was supposed to be last Friday) and my husband hasn't taken the next step to reschedule and I want to wait a few days before I "nag" at him again. Thought in the mean time, perhaps you can share your discovery and how you finally know the reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jeff1962 Posted February 10, 2010 Author Share Posted February 10, 2010 well, Jeff,you don't know because you never asked or because your wife won't tell you? Surely, you must have asked? I've had my share of "I don't know", but then I got to the root of it... can't fix anything if you don't talk? Put resentment aside - both of you - talk and try and resolve your issues... MC still warmly recommended... BTW, my children are 17, 14, 11 and 8... and played a big part in trying to fix the marriage... results are mixed, but then I'm only human... Yeah, Giotto. Do tell. What was/is the root of IT? Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 Yeah, Giotto. Do tell. What was/is the root of IT? also for Cuppa... well, there is more than one reason... but - I believe - the main reason is that she lost her attraction towards me as a man... she actually told me once (12 years ago), but I didn't really take any notice of it... I suppose, too beta, not enough alpha... I'm a nice chap... lol Also, when she went off sex because of the children and problems in her job, I put a lot of pressure on her and then, when I couldn't solve the issue, retreated in myself and became bitter and resentful. She hated that. Finally, we are from different cultures... she is English and I'm Italian... she is very reserved, I want to talk all the time, I want to discuss stuff... I'm also a very physical person, but she is not. She hardly hugs me and she never really did... that hurts... But, I'm not "bitter" anymore... I've accepted the status quo and things are better, we talk a lot more, although sex is still a major problem... we've had sex once in six weeks now... she turned me down last night, despite promising she would "comply"... I was very angry, but didn't say anything. Jeff + Cuppa: you are at a very difficult stage... I've been there. You'll have to do a lot of soul searching and decide what to do. I don't have good news for you... I don't believe you can change things after all these years, but what you can do - especially with MC - is to try and understand and reach interior peace. Then you can have closure... good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
WalkInThePark Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 She hardly hugs me and she never really did... that hurts... Then why did you marry her? You must have known that she was not very physical? I am very physically affectionate and even more with the years (not only sexual but also sexual). I grew up in a very cold family. Therefore I would NEVER be happy in a relationship where there is not an awful lot of physical affection. If I love someone, I want to TOUCH and to be TOUCHED. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 Then why did you marry her? You must have known that she was not very physical? I am very physically affectionate and even more with the years (not only sexual but also sexual). I grew up in a very cold family. Therefore I would NEVER be happy in a relationship where there is not an awful lot of physical affection. If I love someone, I want to TOUCH and to be TOUCHED. mmmm... good question... I suppose it's the old law that you choose what you know? You did well, because my family was like yours... very cold and not physical at all, apart from when my dad beat me... yes, I chose a cold woman, but it was much better at the beginning... I still call her "the fridge", though... Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 (edited) I am just curious on how you get the root of it. My MC got postponed (it was supposed to be last Friday) and my husband hasn't taken the next step to reschedule and I want to wait a few days before I "nag" at him again. Thought in the mean time, perhaps you can share your discovery and how you finally know the reason. Why did the MC get postponed? Personally, I think the fact that he's not being proactive about this should be a warning sign. It seems that he doesn't want to fix it. If he knows it's a problem - and a potential dealbreaker - but you have to nag him about fixing it, you've got some serious problems. Edited February 10, 2010 by Angel1111 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jeff1962 Posted February 10, 2010 Author Share Posted February 10, 2010 I am just curious on how you get the root of it. My MC got postponed (it was supposed to be last Friday) and my husband hasn't taken the next step to reschedule and I want to wait a few days before I "nag" at him again. Thought in the mean time, perhaps you can share your discovery and how you finally know the reason. You can't force your H. into counseling but you can hold him accountable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jeff1962 Posted February 10, 2010 Author Share Posted February 10, 2010 mmmm... good question... I suppose it's the old law that you choose what you know? You did well, because my family was like yours... very cold and not physical at all, apart from when my dad beat me... yes, I chose a cold woman, but it was much better at the beginning... I still call her "the fridge", though... Hhhhmmmmmmmm. My dad beat the sh*t out of me a couple of times. I even missed school because of the bruises. The last time he tried to lay a hand on me was right after I returned from boot camp. I put him up against the wall and told him that if he ever tried this again that I would hurt him. I'm not proud of my actions in any way. I know that I was protecting myself. I never saw my dad hit my mom. I've even asked her if he has hit her. She tells me no, that in all the things that my dad has done, he has never laid a hand on her in anger. So I am left with the question, why me? I do know that my father's mother was very mean and kind of cruel. We were not close with my dad's side of the family growing up. Not a lot of info from my dad's side of the family. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 Not saying I never got mad and said imature hurtful things... but you really were out of line to talk to your wife that way. Seriously if you want to break up this bad then do it but realize a relationship is 50/50 and so goes the blame. Why not break up from a position of this is good for both of us, instead of being so angry and blaming her for everything. I didn't read your entire thread, but if you have children you should really think about them. Link to post Share on other sites
cuppa Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 Why did the MC get postponed? Personally, I think the fact that he's not being proactive about this should be a warning sign. It seems that he doesn't want to fix it. If he knows it's a problem - and a potential dealbreaker - but you have to nag him about fixing it, you've got some serious problems. maybe he has a second thought or he's just being plain lazy or he's dragging his feet. We've been quite good lately, like we spent the entire weekend together, doing mundane stuff like shopping grocery, went shopping in the mall ,etc. He's been doing a lot of small little things (that matter). So perhaps, as usual, he thinks that things are already on the mend and maybe I will forget about the therapy. He's always the passive one in the relationship. Anniversary, valentines day, I am always the one who plan everything. So yeah, it's part of his personality unfortunately. He told me this morning that he will call today, yeah, not a good sign. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 Really on this forum (let's ignore infidelity, OW/OM forums), everyone is the perfect spouse, does little wrong, is understanding and doing what is necessary to mend relationships or in the posts I respond to, do everything they can improve their sex lives. I however wonder why the OP here is so steadfast in his vows to his wife, when she has basically ignored his pleas and all he has done to create a loving home. Jeff1962 in one post basically states that he has without provocation been propositioned in the last few days by 2 women. Sorry, I wonder why a person in a sexless marriage, where the spouse has made it clear that they just don't care and there are "people" throwing themselves at them, don't take the "plunge".... I'd probably not be as strong. But then I just put my head down and pay no attention. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 11, 2010 Share Posted February 11, 2010 Sorry, I wonder why a person in a sexless marriage, where the spouse has made it clear that they just don't care and there are "people" throwing themselves at them, don't take the "plunge" Fear. Fear of (you fill in the blank) Social isolation, shame, financial ruin, loss of children, etc, etc..... all these things can happen from infidelity and divorce, and many more. In general, men like routine. They like to get things running smoothly and then ride the bear. Change is upsetting. Earth-shattering change like an affair or divorce is second only to terminal illness and/or death as an emotional shock. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jeff1962 Posted February 11, 2010 Author Share Posted February 11, 2010 Jeff1962 in one post basically states that he has without provocation been propositioned in the last few days by 2 women. Sorry, I wonder why a person in a sexless marriage, where the spouse has made it clear that they just don't care and there are "people" throwing themselves at them, don't take the "plunge".... I'd probably not be as strong. But then I just put my head down and pay no attention. Because I do not wish to hurt my wife. No matter our issues, I do not hate her. I still love and respect her. IF this relationship ends it will be because we could not work out our issues. It will not end because I cheated. Anyone can have sex. Big deal. A sexual affair would be like applying a band aid to an already gaping chest wound. Temporary. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jeff1962 Posted February 14, 2010 Author Share Posted February 14, 2010 After much reflection. I have decided to give this another chance. We have been talking and addressing some issues from both sides outside of MC. It's been going rather well. I know that my wife and I are in love with eachother. She's my girl. You take a full blown Sicilian hot woman and mix it with half Blackfoot Native and Angelo and you can get a fairly explosive combination. LOL. We both want this to work. We are in love. Thank you all for your patience and your advice. Jett. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted February 14, 2010 Share Posted February 14, 2010 After much reflection. I have decided to give this another chance. We have been talking and addressing some issues from both sides outside of MC. It's been going rather well. I know that my wife and I are in love with eachother. She's my girl. You take a full blown Sicilian hot woman and mix it with half Blackfoot Native and Angelo and you can get a fairly explosive combination. LOL. We both want this to work. We are in love. Thank you all for your patience and your advice. Jett. well, I really hope it works out for you and I'm pleased for you both... Link to post Share on other sites
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 15, 2010 Share Posted February 15, 2010 After much reflection. I have decided to give this another chance. We have been talking and addressing some issues from both sides outside of MC. It's been going rather well. I know that my wife and I are in love with eachother. She's my girl. You take a full blown Sicilian hot woman and mix it with half Blackfoot Native and Angelo and you can get a fairly explosive combination. LOL. We both want this to work. We are in love. Thank you all for your patience and your advice. Jett. I had hoped all along that this would be the route you would take! The only question I had is how toasted were you when you posted this? You signed the post 'Jett!' Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jeff1962 Posted February 15, 2010 Author Share Posted February 15, 2010 I had hoped all along that this would be the route you would take! The only question I had is how toasted were you when you posted this? You signed the post 'Jett!' Actually Jett is my real name. Link to post Share on other sites
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 15, 2010 Share Posted February 15, 2010 Actually Jett is my real name. LOL! The anonymity of the internet! I was going to ask which one it really it, but then I realized it doesn't matter... Best of luck to you Jett... keep us updated. Link to post Share on other sites
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