Came home early

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

 

What's the point in getting married then? IMO he needs to be the best husband he can be! Otherwise the vows he took were just a waste of time..

 

Barring some legitmate issue, if my wife is not putting out I am figuring my way out of the marriage (I would expect her to do the same if the roles are reversed); I refuse to sit around and fake it in a "sexless marriage!"

 

If I want to be in a sexless situation, it will not be when I am married! Time to completely end one relationship, so that at least there may be opportunity for another... having sex with someone else while still married does not constitute a legitimate relationship in my book.

 

Another benefit of focusing on oneself is that the other partner often wants to change his or her ways once they see the strong, healthy, normal, attractive partner they once knew. As opposed to the bitter, unhappy partner who thinks life sucks. Oddly enough Jeff's wife may be all into pleasing him sexually after they are apart (and he has begun moving on with strength, confidence and pride). Oddly enough, sometimes that happens too late...

Edited February 5, 2010 by She's_NotInLove_w/Me

[Lauriebell82]

Barring some legitmate issue, if my wife is not putting out I am figuring my way out of the marriage (I would expect her to do the same if the roles are reversed); I refuse to sit around and fake it in a "sexless marriage!"

 

If I want to be in a sexless situation, it will not be when I am married! Time to completely end one relationship, so that at least there may be opportunity for another... having sex with someone else while still married does not constitute a legitimate relationship in my book.

 

Another benefit of focusing on oneself is that the other partner often wants to change his or her ways once they see the strong, healthy, normal, attractive partner they once knew. As opposed to the bitter, unhappy partner who thinks life sucks. Oddly enough Jeff's wife may be all into pleasing him sexually after they are apart (and he has begun moving on with strength, confidence and pride). Oddly enough, sometimes that happens too late...

 

And you never stopped to think that there is a REASON that the marriage is sexless? Actually she DID want to have sex but got turned off because of his comment. If she lost her attraction that's one thing, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. It's their communication.

 

It's attitudes like your's which is why the divorce rate is so high. If one person just wants to walk away when things get tough or something goes wrong then what is the point of even getting married? Just live together and break up if something goes wrong!

 

Oh and him leaving just so she "comes around" and wants to have sex again is manipulative and unhealthy.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Sorry about how you are feeling now.

 

Just a little feeling from me on this.

 

When we are full of resentment/stress, our tolerance level goes out the window.

 

Its like stubbing your toe, stressfull day at work, flat tire, traffic.

Then ONE more thing can put you on edge.

 

It seems that you both have frustrations (whether with each other or outside), that are leaving you both very intolerant.

 

Can you ID what these things are together and see if they can be worked on?

[Lauriebell82]

Can you ID what these things are together and see if they can be worked on?

 

He can but doesn't want to...so he feels moving out and getting a divorce will solve the problem.

[HeyThere]

Jeff, stick to your plan. There’s a lot missing in your relationship and sex is the tip of the iceberg.

[Jeff1962]

Why are you giving up? Were part of your marriage vows "Till I cuss my wife out do us part?" I don't think so.

 

The things you just said make me believe that you CAN work this out, you are just frustrated. That's completely understandable. But THIS is why the divorce rate is so high!

 

You guys obviously have some issues (yes, both of you!) If you were saying you aren't going to be hurt by her leaving and you don't love her anymore I would say okay go ahead with the divorce. But it doesn't sound like that's REALLY what you want. Marriage takes work dude!!! That's what you signed up for, for better or worse remember?

 

What about MC? Besides even that I think you two just need to communicate with each other more. Sit down and talk about WHY she got so uspet and freaked out. Wives just don't do that for no good reason. Like I said she perceived your comment as rude. Find out why!

 

The last time we went thru a sexless dry spell, I was honest with my wife. I told her that I was starting to view other women in a sexual light because of our lack of intimacy, I am human. I backed this up with the fact that I only want her and that I need her to be with me more often and that I miss the passion that we used to have. I know this is a mixed message. I was only being honest. This hurt her and I understand.

 

Now this is all she thinks about but I had to be truthful with my wife. I was trying to save our marriage. I am not a man who cheats but I am also human. The damage is done. No matter how much I love my wife, no matter how much I want to spend the rest of my life with only her. I must face the fact that we are incompatable when it comes to intimacy.

 

Some will understand this and some will not.

[ladydesigner]

Came home early

Enjoyed a poker nite with the guys, came home early. Started around 6 pm. Got home around 10 pm, won 75 bucks. Not drunk, happy by all means. Wife comes onto me as soon as I get home. Ok. I freshen up, get into bed. She freshens up and I wait and wait and wait and wait and wait..............................

 

She comes out of the bathroom and I say in a teasing voice, where have you been, I've been waiting for you? She freaks. Gets totally pissed, says I was rude. She was making excuses again and blaming me. There goes the romance once again.

 

I'm done. I am young and I have normal human desires. I cannot live like this anymore.

 

I told my wife to stick it up her a** and to go and fu*k herself. She said that she would move out by the end of the month and I agreed with her. I offered to help her move out.

 

I'm no fool. Kiss my a**. This hurts me to no end. But I'll be damned if I live the rest of my life being unhappy.

 

I'm still going to better myself, screw you critics.

 

If you really feel done then you are DONE flat out. Personally if someone is angry enough at another person well sometimes profanity is used. I know I have used it towards my H on more than one occasion. Just because someone uses profanity does not mean a M is over. At least that is how I see it.

 

The sexless part, and I am not too familiar with your background, for a man (and sometimes women too) it is probably tough for you. I know in my own M our sex life dwindled after I had my first child and I received absolutely no help whatsoever from my H. So guess what I was f**king tired all the time and just really did not feel like having sex all the time. Time went on we had sex about once or twice a week which still wasn't enough for him and boom he went and had an A. Do I blame him yes and no. Am I to blame, probably yes and no.

 

I guess the thing is if YOU feel like your M is worth saving. If you do not have any kids the decision gets easier. If it is worth saving then what you stated in your OP is not THAT bad. I don't think you using profanity is THAT bad either, but that is me.

 

Life is so confusing we all do the best we can with what we've got I guess. I am really sorry you are feeling this way. I really have appreciated your advice to me in the past and your responses and I wish the best possible outcome for both you and your wife.

[Sharla]

He can but doesn't want to...so he feels moving out and getting a divorce will solve the problem.

 

I hate to say it, but I have to agree with Laurie. Not knowing the full story, but I am rather surprised this relationship lasted 20 years.

 

Communication is key, without it, there is no relationship.

[ladydesigner]

The last time we went thru a sexless dry spell, I was honest with my wife. I told her that I was starting to view other women in a sexual light because of our lack of intimacy, I am human. I backed this up with the fact that I only want her and that I need her to be with me more often and that I miss the passion that we used to have. I know this is a mixed message. I was only being honest. This hurt her and I understand.

 

Now this is all she thinks about but I had to be truthful with my wife. I was trying to save our marriage. I am not a man who cheats but I am also human. The damage is done. No matter how much I love my wife, no matter how much I want to spend the rest of my life with only her. I must face the fact that we are incompatable when it comes to intimacy.

 

Some will understand this and some will not.

 

Wow you sound just like my H prior to his A and mine. Be careful. We are in a huge mess of a M now.

[Angel1111]

And you never stopped to think that there is a REASON that the marriage is sexless? Actually she DID want to have sex but got turned off because of his comment. If she lost her attraction that's one thing, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. It's their communication.

 

Laurie, I think you're coming in really late on Jeff's problem. He has discussed this numerous times, and has attempted to fix it for a long time now. If you're just seeing this post, I can understand what you're saying. But he has knocked himself out to get to the bottom of this problem. There seems to be no solution here except to walk away, and that's why he snapped. You can beat your head against a brick wall only so many times. People like his wife can waste years of your life before know it.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

For the men

I just want to say this.

 

A woman is like a rose. If you nurture her, she will bloom. If you don't she will wither.

 

If you love your wives. Do yourselves a favor and show them everyday.

 

I know that I have my problems. I have seen areas that I could be a better husband.

 

I have made a decision to start a personal journey to become a real man for myself so that I can be the man that my wife deserves. I owe this to myself and I owe this to her.

 

No matter the outcome, I lover her.

[Lauriebell82]

The last time we went thru a sexless dry spell, I was honest with my wife. I told her that I was starting to view other women in a sexual light because of our lack of intimacy, I am human. I backed this up with the fact that I only want her and that I need her to be with me more often and that I miss the passion that we used to have. I know this is a mixed message. I was only being honest. This hurt her and I understand.

 

Now this is all she thinks about but I had to be truthful with my wife. I was trying to save our marriage. I am not a man who cheats but I am also human. The damage is done. No matter how much I love my wife, no matter how much I want to spend the rest of my life with only her. I must face the fact that we are incompatable when it comes to intimacy.

 

Some will understand this and some will not.

 

I understand but it's total b.s.

 

You did NOT help your marriage by telling her you were thinking about other women but only wanted to be with her. Yeah you were being "honest" but did you honestly think that she would embrace you after telling her something like that? NO!!! How would you feel if she said something like that to you? You could have said that you want to be with only her but are confused by the lack of intamacy and sex. That is basically saying the same thing minus the hurtful thing you said.

 

Also, okay yes damage has been done but CAN be repairable. You said you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her but in the same breath say you are going to give up. Which is it?

[Lauriebell82]

Laurie, I think you're coming in really late on Jeff's problem. He has discussed this numerous times, and has attempted to fix it for a long time now. If you're just seeing this post, I can understand what you're saying. But he has knocked himself out to get to the bottom of this problem. There seems to be no solution here except to walk away, and that's why he snapped. You can beat your head against a brick wall only so many times. People like his wife can waste years of your life before know it.

 

I did go back and read his threads.

 

It's been going on for some time..so???? You keep working at it! Maybe I'm old fashioned but vows state for better or worse don't they? I don't know, I guess I think differently about marriage then others.

[Sharla]

Laurie, I think you're coming in really late on Jeff's problem. He has discussed this numerous times, and has attempted to fix it for a long time now. If you're just seeing this post, I can understand what you're saying. But he has knocked himself out to get to the bottom of this problem. There seems to be no solution here except to walk away, and that's why he snapped. You can beat your head against a brick wall only so many times. People like his wife can waste years of your life before know it.

 

Wrong.

 

This is how he's communicated to his wife about the non-sex issue:

 

The last time we went thru a sexless dry spell, I was honest with my wife. I told her that I was starting to view other women in a sexual light because of our lack of intimacy, I am human.

 

And THEN, he backed it up with this:

 

I backed this up with the fact that I only want her and that I need her to be with me more often and that I miss the passion that we used to have. I know this is a mixed message.

 

Had he said only the second part, I don't know any woman who wouldn't feel closer to her husband after saying that. Unless he did something utterly aweful, and then said it.

[Angel1111]

I think you guys are taking his words and isolating them, while not looking at the big picture. What I do know is that a problem big enough to drive a man to a relationship website must be huge.

[Sharla]

I think you guys are taking his words and isolating them, while not looking at the big picture. What I do know is that a problem big enough to drive a man to a relationship website must be huge.

 

There are 20 years factored in, and it is difficult to look at the "big" picture when it is one-sided.

[Lauriebell82]

I think you guys are taking his words and isolating them, while not looking at the big picture. What I do know is that a problem big enough to drive a man to a relationship website must be huge.

 

The big picture is that they are both angry and resentful making it hard for both of them to be patient and work through their issues. It's both their faults that they are unhappy in their marriage. It's cause and effect basically. His wife doesn't want sex, he tells her he is intested in other women, his wife therefore is hurt and upset therefore continuing to deny him sex. That's the big picture.

 

ACTUALLY it's a good sign he is here..it means he wants to get advice and work on his relationship. He is frustrated and veiws leaving as the answer. BUT he wouldn't be here if he didn't deep down want his relationship to work.

[cuppa]

Enjoyed a poker nite with the guys, came home early. Started around 6 pm. Got home around 10 pm, won 75 bucks. Not drunk, happy by all means. Wife comes onto me as soon as I get home. Ok. I freshen up, get into bed. She freshens up and I wait and wait and wait and wait and wait..............................

 

She comes out of the bathroom and I say in a teasing voice, where have you been, I've been waiting for you? She freaks. Gets totally pissed, says I was rude. She was making excuses again and blaming me. There goes the romance once again.

 

I'm done. I am young and I have normal human desires. I cannot live like this anymore.

 

I told my wife to stick it up her a** and to go and fu*k herself. She said that she would move out by the end of the month and I agreed with her. I offered to help her move out.

 

I'm no fool. Kiss my a**. This hurts me to no end. But I'll be damned if I live the rest of my life being unhappy.

 

I'm still going to better myself, screw you critics.

 

Oh no...I'm so sorry ...of course, don't turn into bitter, stay cool & nice, be true to yourself. Door is not all closed. Have you guys tried counseling?

[Jeff1962]

He can but doesn't want to...so he feels moving out and getting a divorce will solve the problem.

 

Solve the problem? Solve the problem!!!!????

 

You have'nt the slightest clue as to how I have tried.

 

Women put up with a lot of crap, a lot. There comes a time when a woman is done taking crap. I would expect you as a woman to understand this. There also comes this time for a man as well.

 

If my wife were to come to me and admit that she was ever wrong or that she had a hand in our problems; I would listen to her and embrace her in forgiveness. I love my wife and I am hurting right now but I am not going to try and stop her from moving out.

 

It takes 2 to love and it takes 2 to hurt. It only takes 1 to fall out.

[Sharla]

Solve the problem? Solve the problem!!!!????

 

You have'nt the slightest clue as to how I have tried.

 

Women put up with a lot of crap, a lot. There comes a time when a woman is done taking crap. I would expect you as a woman to understand this. There also comes this time for a man as well.

 

If my wife were to come to me and admit that she was ever wrong or that she had a hand in our problems; I would listen to her and embrace her in forgiveness. I love my wife and I am hurting right now but I am not going to try and stop her from moving out.

 

It takes 2 to love and it takes 2 to hurt. It only takes 1 to fall out.

 

I'm curious, in the 20 years you've been married, she never accepted ownership for any argurements? What were the arguements over, aside from the non-sex issue?

[Lizzie60]

Jeff... this isn't going to work out.. sorry dude.. you need to move on..

 

I copied/pasted my post from your thread 'For the men'.. remember..

 

-----------------

 

It is nice to see that there are still men who adore their wives, cherish them, listen to them.. buy them gifts and flowers... cook for them.. do most of the housework so that she can rest and enjoy their 'ME' time... do everything it takes to make them happy... even do cartwheels in the living room once in a while... then she just stares at him and find him weak and boring.. give him sex at HER convenience (about once every 2 months)... and sometimes turns around and get a hot lover from work.. because deep down she knows that he will forgive and keep giving her the world..

 

Sorry but being 'too nice' can be desastrous ...

 

--------------------

 

Methink it's too late now... she's fed up with you.. doesn't respect you as a H anymore.. bored.. whatever.. but she ain't going to change.. trust me on that one..

 

She probably has someone on the side.. or wish she had...

[Lauriebell82]

Solve the problem? Solve the problem!!!!????

 

You have'nt the slightest clue as to how I have tried.

 

Women put up with a lot of crap, a lot. There comes a time when a woman is done taking crap. I would expect you as a woman to understand this. There also comes this time for a man as well.

 

If my wife were to come to me and admit that she was ever wrong or that she had a hand in our problems; I would listen to her and embrace her in forgiveness. I love my wife and I am hurting right now but I am not going to try and stop her from moving out.

 

It takes 2 to love and it takes 2 to hurt. It only takes 1 to fall out.

 

She doesn't accept ownership over the problem because she probably feels you are causing her to feel this way. (not saying she is right!) Have you told her it bothers you that she doesn't admit to being wrong?

[cuppa]

The last time we went thru a sexless dry spell, I was honest with my wife. I told her that I was starting to view other women in a sexual light because of our lack of intimacy, I am human. I backed this up with the fact that I only want her and that I need her to be with me more often and that I miss the passion that we used to have. I know this is a mixed message. I was only being honest. This hurt her and I understand.

 

Now this is all she thinks about but I had to be truthful with my wife. I was trying to save our marriage. I am not a man who cheats but I am also human. The damage is done. No matter how much I love my wife, no matter how much I want to spend the rest of my life with only her. I must face the fact that we are incompatable when it comes to intimacy.

 

Some will understand this and some will not.

 

This what happened to me as well and I am a woman, a conservative one at that. My husband is the only person that I've ever been intimate with but after 7 years of rejections, this takes its toll. I am never promiscuous and loyalty is (or maybe used to be) my strong virtue. If I stay in this marriage and nothing changes, I will not rule out affair in the future. I might become bitter & resentful which is not a good thing.

 

For sexless marriage, there is always a question as in then why would people get married? It says for better or for worse but then without sex and intimacy, what is the difference between husband & wife or 2 best friends/roommates?

[Sharla]

Jeff... this isn't going to work out.. sorry dude.. you need to move on..

 

I copied/pasted my post from your thread 'For the men'.. remember..

 

-----------------

 

It is nice to see that there are still men who adore their wives, cherish them, listen to them.. buy them gifts and flowers... cook for them.. do most of the housework so that she can rest and enjoy their 'ME' time... do everything it takes to make them happy... even do cartwheels in the living room once in a while... then she just stares at him and find him weak and boring.. give him sex at HER convenience (about once every 2 months)... and sometimes turns around and get a hot lover from work.. because deep down she knows that he will forgive and keep giving her the world..

 

Sorry but being 'too nice' can be desastrous ...

 

--------------------

 

Methink it's too late now... she's fed up with you.. doesn't respect you as a H anymore.. bored.. whatever.. but she ain't going to change.. trust me on that one..

 

She probably has someone on the side.. or wish she had...

 

Well if Jeff and his wife divorce, there is a Lizzie.

 

Maybe the Lizzie's of the world are the type of woman men really want/need.

[Jeff1962]

I'm curious, in the 20 years you've been married, she never accepted ownership for any argurements? What were the arguements over, aside from the non-sex issue?

 

Just normal everyday crap. She is always right no matter what. I don't expect an apology over every little thing. I try and not sweat the small crap. I think that my wife has maybe apologized or admitted that she has been wrong twice in our marriage. I don't cave into this bullsh*t. I blow it off most of the time or just deal with in inside. I will tell you when you are being an a**. I am not a crap catcher.

 

I'm a pretty down to earth mellow person. I expect ownership even when it hurts your ego.