BlueeyedJonesy Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I would rather see my wife happy with someone else than miserable with me and vise versa. I can't believe I'm saying this. No matter what though, I will remain faithful to my wife even in separation, unto the end, if this is to be the outcome. Thats what love is all about. There is no selfishness in your post. You know you can't have a happy M without passion. Everyone knows that. It sounds like you need to work on yourselves then work on your M. She may have some major issues with herself that you don't even know about...I have been with my H for 6 years and I'm still finding stuff out...good luck!
cuppa Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Thank you so much. You are right, this is tearing me up. I still want her to move out. I'm going to stick by this decision no matter how deeply it hurts me. I wll agree to MC but after the sessions we will go to our own homes to reflect and work on ourselves. I do not want to see either one of us repeat this, whatever this is. My true wish it to work this out but I think I am just done with it for now. Maybe time will change my mind. I would rather see my wife happy with someone else than miserable with me and vise versa. I can't believe I'm saying this. No matter what though, I will remain faithful to my wife even in separation, unto the end, if this is to be the outcome. I respect you for this and wish you the best. I am going through marriage counseling with my husband as well (after 11 years together and 7 years married). Give it all your best in MC and I hope you come term with whatever decision you choose. I hope that you two will have a breakthrough in the counseling. I am glad you choose MC though, you two have gone through a lot in 20 years, it definitely deserves all the efforts to salvage the relationship.
giotto Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I am glad you choose MC though, you two have gone through a lot in 20 years, it definitely deserves all the efforts to salvage the relationship. absolutely...
mem11363 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I really hope some day that I have a son in law who is as much of a stand up guy as you are Jeff. The statement you would rather see your wife happy with someone else than miserable with you says a whole lot about you. And the cool thing about being apart while you do the MC is that it means the default is that you stay apart unless one or both of you is really committed to changing. The OTHER cool thing about it is this. And I always suggest this no matter what the genders are in a sexless marriage. Before moving back in - require HER to date YOU. See the way this usually gets messed up is that the normal drive spouse is typically blamed by the low drive (LD) spouse. And the LD spouse says - you need to do "and it is a never ending, always changing list of stuff" before I will have ANY sex with you. But this lets you reverse that whole situation. It becomes "before I will consider moving back together you - wife - need to date me frequently and show me that you really love, respect and desire me. And if you can't / won't do that - no harm no foul. We just don't reconcile. But it puts the responsibility on the sexual refuser to help fix the problem. This doesn't mean I am saying all the fault is hers. I am certain that is not true. What I AM saying is that she has chosen not to be honest with you about WHY she is avoiding sex with you. And that is simply not fair. If the rules change and she realizes a decent sexual relationship is needed for the marriage to reconcile, she is much more likely to tell you the how and why of her sexual feelings towards you. Thank you so much. You are right, this is tearing me up. I still want her to move out. I'm going to stick by this decision no matter how deeply it hurts me. I wll agree to MC but after the sessions we will go to our own homes to reflect and work on ourselves. I do not want to see either one of us repeat this, whatever this is. My true wish it to work this out but I think I am just done with it for now. Maybe time will change my mind. I would rather see my wife happy with someone else than miserable with me and vise versa. I can't believe I'm saying this. No matter what though, I will remain faithful to my wife even in separation, unto the end, if this is to be the outcome.
Lizzie60 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Thank you so much. You are right, this is tearing me up. I still want her to move out. I'm going to stick by this decision no matter how deeply it hurts me. I wll agree to MC but after the sessions we will go to our own homes to reflect and work on ourselves. I do not want to see either one of us repeat this, whatever this is. My true wish it to work this out but I think I am just done with it for now. Maybe time will change my mind. I would rather see my wife happy with someone else than miserable with me and vise versa. I can't believe I'm saying this. No matter what though, I will remain faithful to my wife even in separation, unto the end, if this is to be the outcome. How long are you willing to remain faithful...
BlueeyedJonesy Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 How long are you willing to remain faithful... Do you find all of your MM online lizzie? I'm going to start calling you black widow.
Lizzie60 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Do you find all of your MM online lizzie? I'm going to start calling you black widow. Oh...my.. I had no intention other than being curious.. because what if their separation lasts a loooong time...
mem11363 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 The faithful thing needs to be something they BOTH commit to or she is going to screw him over yet again. And I think Jeff is smart enough to get a sense of progress. By the way - you can fly the plane while fixing it. Meaning - she should be dating you within a couple months and rocking your world a couple times a week if she wants to reconcile. If she is NOT interested in that, then the MC should be quick and focused on reaching an amicable parting and a understanding of why things broke down. Oh...my.. I had no intention other than being curious.. because what if their separation lasts a loooong time...
Lizzie60 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 The faithful thing needs to be something they BOTH commit to or she is going to screw him over yet again. And I think Jeff is smart enough to get a sense of progress. By the way - you can fly the plane while fixing it. Meaning - she should be dating you within a couple months and rocking your world a couple times a week if she wants to reconcile. If she is NOT interested in that, then the MC should be quick and focused on reaching an amicable parting and a understanding of why things broke down. I totally agree with you mem... but IMO.. she won't be interested in months from now.. and no MC will help... I think she's just over him.. big time.. and he will waste more time 'waiting'... this is my feeling.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I totally agree with you mem... but IMO.. she won't be interested in months from now.. and no MC will help... I think she's just over him.. big time.. and he will waste more time 'waiting'... this is my feeling. Yes, but you are going by the frame of reference of what you have experienced and seen. There is no saying if Jeff's wife mirrors those experiences or exactly what mold their relationship fits, if any... I would not be apt to take a guess one way or the other if the passionate sex life will someday return to this marriage... is it possible? ABSOLUTELY! Especially with both partners knowing that there is no more marriage without that passionate sex life.
mem11363 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Shes Not, Saying that it is possible is not very meaningful. I buy a powerball ticket it is possible I will win. Once a marriage has gone sexless for an extended period, there is a dynamic that develops. It is a dynamic that is very difficult to change. Temporarily - under duress - you can resume having sex - but the underlying issue is not resolved and the sex fades as soon as the people move back in. With that said - in a small percentage of cases - it is fixable. I simply think that Jeff will learn that BEFORE they reconcile. If she will date him, passionately have sex with him regularly for months while they live apart, THAT is a good indicator. If she has reasons/excuses why they should remain non sexual while they "work on the marriage" then this is certainly in the not fixable bucket. Yes, but you are going by the frame of reference of what you have experienced and seen. There is no saying if Jeff's wife mirrors those experiences or exactly what mold their relationship fits, if any... I would not be apt to take a guess one way or the other if the passionate sex life will someday return to this marriage... is it possible? ABSOLUTELY! Especially with both partners knowing that there is no more marriage without that passionate sex life.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Shes Not, Saying that it is possible is not very meaningful. I buy a powerball ticket it is possible I will win. Once a marriage has gone sexless for an extended period, there is a dynamic that develops. It is a dynamic that is very difficult to change. Temporarily - under duress - you can resume having sex - but the underlying issue is not resolved and the sex fades as soon as the people move back in. With that said - in a small percentage of cases - it is fixable. I simply think that Jeff will learn that BEFORE they reconcile. If she will date him, passionately have sex with him regularly for months while they live apart, THAT is a good indicator. If she has reasons/excuses why they should remain non sexual while they "work on the marriage" then this is certainly in the not fixable bucket. Agreed, for the most part; personally, I just do not think that it makes sense to compare the possibility of winning the powerball to the possibility of Jeff resuming a loving and fulfulling marriage (which includes regular, passionate sex).
mem11363 Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Shes Not, You are right. My powerball comparison was not a good one. His odds are more like 1-20, or 1-50. Not 1 in a few million/etc.... Agreed' date=' for the most part; personally, I just do not think that it makes sense to compare the possibility of winning the powerball to the possibility of Jeff resuming a loving and fulfulling marriage (which includes regular, passionate sex).[/quote']
Author Jeff1962 Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 I really hope some day that I have a son in law who is as much of a stand up guy as you are Jeff. The statement you would rather see your wife happy with someone else than miserable with you says a whole lot about you. And the cool thing about being apart while you do the MC is that it means the default is that you stay apart unless one or both of you is really committed to changing. The OTHER cool thing about it is this. And I always suggest this no matter what the genders are in a sexless marriage. Before moving back in - require HER to date YOU. See the way this usually gets messed up is that the normal drive spouse is typically blamed by the low drive (LD) spouse. And the LD spouse says - you need to do "and it is a never ending, always changing list of stuff" before I will have ANY sex with you. But this lets you reverse that whole situation. It becomes "before I will consider moving back together you - wife - need to date me frequently and show me that you really love, respect and desire me. And if you can't / won't do that - no harm no foul. We just don't reconcile. But it puts the responsibility on the sexual refuser to help fix the problem. This doesn't mean I am saying all the fault is hers. I am certain that is not true. What I AM saying is that she has chosen not to be honest with you about WHY she is avoiding sex with you. And that is simply not fair. If the rules change and she realizes a decent sexual relationship is needed for the marriage to reconcile, she is much more likely to tell you the how and why of her sexual feelings towards you. Wow. What a nice compliment. I appreciate this very much, thank you. I get your idea of dating eachother again, this has crossed my mind. Like I said, I will give MC a shot and we shall see where it leads us. In a way I want to just get this over with, I guess this would be the easy way out. Another part of me wants to try and make this work. Either way, I want us both to be happy.
Author Jeff1962 Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 How long are you willing to remain faithful... There is something to be said about Semper Fidelis, Always Faithful. This is not just a saying, it is a way of life Lizzie. There is something to be said about virtue and honor. I am not in this by myself, I have a significant other that I honor and cherish no matter how pissed I may be at her right now. My wife deserves honesty and faithfulness even in the place that we are both in right now, so do I. How long am I willing to remain faithful? To the end Lizzie.
Author Jeff1962 Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 I would like to thank ALL of you for your help and honesty. I cannot express in words how much I appreciate all of your heartfelt advice. Thank you all so very much.
giotto Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I would like to thank ALL of you for your help and honesty. I cannot express in words how much I appreciate all of your heartfelt advice. Thank you all so very much. you are welcome... Nevertheless, even after 10 pages, we still don't know very much about your family and your wife... how old are the children? Does your wife work? What's her reasons for not having sex with you? I might be wrong, but I don't remember you posting any explanations...
Toodamnpragmatic Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 I too am confused about the OP. One day he comes off very compassionate and caring, the next post as a boorish male with women throwing themselves at him. I read the posts and am lost and lose focus as to the point. Maybe it is the story has become so mind numbing and repetitive on LS. Loving, attractive, attentive husband, still loves wife after 20 years. Wife has little/no interest in sex. Husband has done everything to discuss and try and change the situation. Jeff1962 even posted this drivel that I may have to pull out Valentine's Day... I just want to say this. A woman is like a rose. If you nurture her, she will bloom. If you don't she will wither. If you love your wives. Do yourselves a favor and show them everyday. I know that I have my problems. I have seen areas that I could be a better husband. I have made a decision to start a personal journey to become a real man for myself so that I can be the man that my wife deserves. I owe this to myself and I owe this to her. No matter the outcome, I lover her. So I really don't know what else to say on this topic as maybe Lizzie (though I wonder why she has taken such a personal interest in Jeff1962) has worn me down and she is absolutely right. All these spouses (mine included) no longer love their husbands that way, are cheating or ready to behind their backs, fake O's all the time and it is just inevitable before they walk out the door or force you out.
giotto Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 So I really don't know what else to say on this topic as maybe Lizzie (though I wonder why she has taken such a personal interest in Jeff1962) has worn me down and she is absolutely right. All these spouses (mine included) no longer love their husbands that way, are cheating or ready to behind their backs, fake O's all the time and it is just inevitable before they walk out the door or force you out. ah, ah...
Author Jeff1962 Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 boorish male with women throwing themselves at him. this drivel Boorish male and drivel. Thank you so very much. Now that we have this out of the way, what next? For all I care you can go fly a kite.
HeyThere Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 (edited) Boorish male and drivel. Thank you so very much. Now that we have this out of the way, what next? For all I care you can go fly a kite. No lack of kahonas here. Sex isn’t the main problem. The main issues (IMHO) are respect and trust are not communicated in an open fashion. So, if you go into MC those are the issues to focus on. Yes the lack of passion and intimacy brought you here, so don’t ignore them, but if you don’t put those two (respect and trust) back in the relationship; it won’t matter how much passion you have for each other, sooner or later the candle will be extinguished, again. Edited February 9, 2010 by HeyThere
Author Jeff1962 Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 still no answer... I give up... Sorry. No offense meant. If I knew the reason for my wife's sexual hang up's, this thread would never have been started. My son is 18 and my daughter is 14. My wife does not have to work but chooses to.
HeyThere Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 still no answer... I give up... Don't give up - which post do you want Jeff to look at again? So I really don't know what else to say on this topic as maybe Lizzie (though I wonder why she has taken such a personal interest in Jeff1962) has worn me down and she is absolutely right. All these spouses (mine included) no longer love their husbands that way, are cheating or ready to behind their backs, fake O's all the time and it is just inevitable before they walk out the door or force you out. you are welcome... Nevertheless, even after 10 pages, we still don't know very much about your family and your wife... how old are the children? Does your wife work? What's her reasons for not having sex with you? I might be wrong, but I don't remember you posting any explanations...
giotto Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 Sorry. No offense meant. If I knew the reason for my wife's sexual hang up's, this thread would never have been started. My son is 18 and my daughter is 14. My wife does not have to work but chooses to. well, Jeff,you don't know because you never asked or because your wife won't tell you? Surely, you must have asked? I've had my share of "I don't know", but then I got to the root of it... can't fix anything if you don't talk? Put resentment aside - both of you - talk and try and resolve your issues... MC still warmly recommended... BTW, my children are 17, 14, 11 and 8... and played a big part in trying to fix the marriage... results are mixed, but then I'm only human...
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