How many TRULY happy couples do you know?

[EnigmasMuse]

Well I can't speak for all, but I know of one that seem happy. Yes I said seem that way, because I do not live with them and do not know what truly goes on behind closed doors. Some people do put on fronts. I hope that they truly are. However I think one thing that strikes me odd is the fact that, not the husband, but the wife talks about it all the time, how happy they are, its almost overboard.

[Island Girl]

3 out of 6 are blissful.

 

The unhappy:

 

1 - I think both like being miserable and keep two other people from being unhappy. They have no plans to split and have ha dthe same relationship for 12 years.

 

2 - comfortable with each other but not happy. No plans to split although it has been discussed on occasion.

 

3 - Divorce inevitable. Has been discussed and agreed to on several occasions recently and it MAY end up being somewhat amicable.

[Lauriebell82]

I don't know any couples who have been married longer than 3 years..they seem happy though.

 

"Happy" is kind of a hard word to define in a relationship. It depends on how you characterize happy. There is a saying that goes "Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you have managed to look beyond the imperfections." Or something to that effect. I think that rings true. The couples that I know that seem the happiest are the ones that accept that their relationship isn't perfect and that they are going to have some conflict.

[OWoman]

It's second-time-around for both my H and myself, and we're blissfully happy.

Of our friends, most are also on 2nd Ms, and they're happy too. One couple have been together since they were kids, and they're still as passionate about each other as ever - but they make spaces in their togetherness.

[hopeful1980]

My husband and I are happy, but not every single day. Hell, I'm not happy every single day alone.

 

I didn't go into marriage expecting to be perpetually happy. I went into it knowing that I was going to live my life with another person and that includes being unhappy sometimes.

 

A lot of couples seem happy to others looking from the outside, but if you just scratch the surface they have a host of problems you would never expect. You never know.

[Samantha0905]

OP, happiness is not a perpetual state. That is true in any relationship--romantic, familial, platonic, whatever. If two people are together long enough, they'll go through the whole gamit of affection and resentment, joy and anger, understanding and bewilderment. People who expect to be "happy" all the time are setting the bar way too high.

 

I agree.

 

Marriage is hard work. Raising children is hard work. There are times of sorrow and times of joy.

 

We were never promised 100% happiness all the time. Plus, as someone pointed out -- we are responsible for our own happiness.

 

Perhaps more happiness could be found if people didn't abandon ship so easily.

[Culthbert]

My wife and I are very happy with our marriage. We treat each other with respect, show affection to each other (including in public), and make each other a priority in our lives. It took nine and a half years to get to that point, though - my wife was very unhappy with me for those first years of our marriage and was seriously considering leaving me. Although I never wanted to leave her, I found much of the marriage to be empty and unfulfilling, too.

 

We have been married for 14.5 years, and have spent the past 5 years very happily married. I am 42 and she is 47.

 

In my opinion, most couples will go through a hard time during the first stage of their marriage, and it will build up to a crisis around the 7-12 year mark. At that crisis stage, some couples will be affected by infidelity and some will break up. Some couples, though, will figure out a way to work through the differences and find each other again, and this time they will be able to become more intimate with each other than ever before.

 

Of the couples we know... many are going through divorce. I guess it's about that age. I know one couple that has broken up but are working very hard to be amicable with each other for the sake of their kids - to the point where they both attend events together. I know 3 other couples in the community with children at my kid's schools who have spouses who ran off. However, I also know many happy couples. I know two couples in the neighborhood who are very close with each other, both have kids that are friends of my children, both have been married for awhile and are respectful and affectionate toward each other. One of my high-school classmates has a very solid marriage, she and her husband appreciate each other very much. A former co-worker of mine told me he and his wife had a crisis like mine, and they weathered it and are very happy with each other now. My parents have a good marriage (43 years now) and treat each other as partners.

 

Good, happy marriages are out there, and are attainable... if you look for them.

Edited February 1, 2010 by Culthbert

[Crusoe]

Originally Posted by Crusoe

Bingo. The happiest people I know, are those who understand that "happiness" has nothing to do with it.

 

I don't understand. Nothing to do with - what? Can you explain this? And is this really the secret - not to expect happiness out of life, or the one you're married to???

 

Sorry for not replying earlier, I don't get on here much now the snow has gone and I can get out the house again.

 

Yes, that is pretty much what I mean. It is an old expression from my father, "being happy has nothing to do with it". Like many things he said I didn't understand as kid, but older, wiser, I now do.

 

People who are searching for happiness often only find it temporarily, without happiness they become unhappy. Those not searching for it, those who just put their heads down and get on with it, those who don't think in terms of happy and unhappy, they don't need to find it. They are the contented. They are the happiest I know.

[cuppa]

From the outside, my husband and I look happy. We don't share what's going on in our bedroom (except this site and my therapist and a few of my close friends). One couple who is going through divorce right now, I would never guess in million years that they had issues. We went out on social settings, connected in Facebook, and they recently just got a cute baby girl. Every single pic of them in facebook truly paints a happy couple, it's such a shock that they've been sexless for a year and husband cheated a few times on her and now he wants out from the marriage.

 

My own sister puts my marriage as a standard. She says she wants her marriage exactly like mine. I hope that just means the good part of my marriage (financially responsible, loving & dedicated to parents & family, respect each other, or at the beginning, love each other etc).

Edited February 10, 2010 by cuppa

[Eve]

Simple question: How many married couples do you know that you would define as TRULY happily married? ie. they wouldn't change anything about their marriage.

 

I was originally going to limit it to couples married for a certain amount of time or longer... but I will just say to exclude those still in those "honeymoon," years in the beginning...

 

For me the number is simple; I can only think of 'maybe' 1 couple who is TRULY happy...

 

Not sure that anyone can really tell whats going on within other marraiges but I would say that most of my neighbours seem happy enough. Practically all of them are married professionals, with just a couple of singles in steady relationships.. Of my friends, once again practically all are married and they are fine. Hubby and I have a very strong marriage of 10 years Most of my work colleagues are also married and the ones I know intimately seem fine too.

 

.. but you want examples of their happiness...I can only say that they are there for their kids, maintain their homes and careers well and are good people. All the people mentioned are mid thirties in age and mostly are raising families. Personally I think that demographics has a lot to do with a satisfying marriage. If I flick through the lives of some of my clients .. none are married, mostly they are in rented accommodation in not nice areas with other stressors.

 

I would say being happily married is more about growing with the other person than 'being truly happy'. My Husband is like a body part now.. I do truly need to be close to him and him to me. Its just right.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[ladydesigner]

People who are searching for happiness often only find it temporarily, without happiness they become unhappy. Those not searching for it, those who just put their heads down and get on with it, those who don't think in terms of happy and unhappy, they don't need to find it. They are the contented. They are the happiest I know.

 

I will have to incorporate this into my life and marriage.

[nddb]

We've been married nearly 20 years and very happy.

 

I learned some time ago that loving and being romantic is a decision and requires daily maintenance and vigilance.

 

I give my wife daily small gestures of thoughtfulness and affection (and help around the house although she often shoos me away) and every few months, some sweep-her-off-her-feet type of event (concert date, cruise, weekend in Vegas, etc.). My secret weapon is love letters. I write them frequently and mushily and I've caught her re-reading them when I'm not around so she must like them. She's hot and it doesn't hurt that I think so and let her know often.

 

In turn, she has never turned me down for sex and always tells me how proud and happy that she's my wife. It's been more than good. Her sisters envy her and I'm proud of that too.

[cuppa]

We've been married nearly 20 years and very happy.

 

I learned some time ago that loving and being romantic is a decision and requires daily maintenance and vigilance.

 

I give my wife daily small gestures of thoughtfulness and affection (and help around the house although she often shoos me away) and every few months, some sweep-her-off-her-feet type of event (concert date, cruise, weekend in Vegas, etc.). My secret weapon is love letters. I write them frequently and mushily and I've caught her re-reading them when I'm not around so she must like them. She's hot and it doesn't hurt that I think so and let her know often.

 

In turn, she has never turned me down for sex and always tells me how proud and happy that she's my wife. It's been more than good. Her sisters envy her and I'm proud of that too.

 

I love love letters. My husband used to write me before and I used to re-read them a lot of times. Yes, small and sweet gestures are the ones that I think keep the marriage strong & exciting.

 

I would faint if my husband surprised me with a romantic getaway on the weekend. We did go to beautiful places but I plan them including buying airplane tickets, dinner reservation, and hotel bookings. Though I always have a good time, I think the element of surprise is always the one that gets most women extremely on cloud 9.

[nddb]

We did go to beautiful places but I plan them including buying airplane tickets, dinner reservation, and hotel bookings. Though I always have a good time, I think the element of surprise is always the one that gets most women extremely on cloud 9.

 

I've read somewhere that men often fantasize about physically challenging adventures (climb Mount Everest, dive the Red Sea, bike across Europe, fight the righteous battle, etc.) but women fantasize about romantic adventures. That sorta stuck with me.

 

I agree that for my wife, being surprised by a thoughtful and well-planned romantic adventure is what she adores. That and the element of anticipation ("what's next around the corner?") get her eyes twinkling.

 

Going for a nice weekend getaway is great but she can do that with her sisters or friends (and believe me, being Asian, she has lots of friends and FAMILY, especially family LOL). What she gets from me that she can't with anyone else (I'd better hope so) is the delivery of the surprise and the sequencing of the events/activities/places to let her know that I think of her and her romantic likes/dislikes in the planning.

 

All as my way of repaying her for being stuck with the kids during the week.

[Ms. Joolie]

We've been married nearly 20 years and very happy.

 

I learned some time ago that loving and being romantic is a decision and requires daily maintenance and vigilance.

 

I give my wife daily small gestures of thoughtfulness and affection (and help around the house although she often shoos me away) and every few months, some sweep-her-off-her-feet type of event (concert date, cruise, weekend in Vegas, etc.). My secret weapon is love letters. I write them frequently and mushily and I've caught her re-reading them when I'm not around so she must like them. She's hot and it doesn't hurt that I think so and let her know often.

 

In turn, she has never turned me down for sex and always tells me how proud and happy that she's my wife. It's been more than good. Her sisters envy her and I'm proud of that too.

 

This is great. Like happy couple 101. My notes:

 

*make small gestures of thoughtfulness and affection

*attend big events together

*write love letters

*sex ...

*express appreciation, love and pride verbally for partner

 

 

Thank you! and Congratulations!!

[cuppa]

I've read somewhere that men often fantasize about physically challenging adventures (climb Mount Everest, dive the Red Sea, bike across Europe, fight the righteous battle, etc.) but women fantasize about romantic adventures. That sorta stuck with me.

 

Negative in my case. I was the one who did bungee jumping, I was the one who went to Mt Everest base (no climbing though since I'm not exactly a climber and hubby couldn't join and stuck in hotel because he had AMS, altitude sickness), and I am shopping for a bike right now though I don't plan to bike across Europe ( I am also into kickboxing & crossfit).

 

But I also love romantic dinner, spa, and all those good stuff. I know he's like this before marriage though so it's not fair for me to expect him to change. I accept that I always have to be the proactive one in this relationship, the key thing is to find things that make me happy and him happy I think. Who knows, maybe he will surprise me one of these days (in which case, I would still faint lol)

[nddb]

Negative in my case. I was the one who did bungee jumping, I was the one who went to Mt Everest base (no climbing though since I'm not exactly a climber and hubby couldn't join and stuck in hotel because he had AMS, altitude sickness), and I am shopping for a bike right now though I don't plan to bike across Europe ( I am also into kickboxing & crossfit).

 

But I also love romantic dinner, spa, and all those good stuff. I know he's like this before marriage though so it's not fair for me to expect him to change. I accept that I always have to be the proactive one in this relationship, the key thing is to find things that make me happy and him happy I think. Who knows, maybe he will surprise me one of these days (in which case, I would still faint lol)

 

You mean you ALSO do the physically challenging adventures IN ADDITION to the romantic stuff. Most guys would be ecstatic to have their spouse also willing and able to partake in their hobbies or sports. Often times, it doesn't work out that way.

[Eeyore79]

My boyfriend and I are happy

 

Well, happy-ish. I don't deny that there are some long-term issues (mostly him not having a job or prospects). But on a day-to-day basis we are pretty happy; we hold hands in the street, and he cuddles me and tells me I'm beautiful; I make him special pancakes for breakfast at weekends, and he draws silly sketches and pins them on my fridge when I'm not looking.

 

I think being happy is mostly about the little things, which too many people overlook. We enjoy walking along the beach and picking up nice pebbles for our collection, and lying in bed with our glasses on and taking turns to read out loud from a book, and sitting at opposite ends of a hot bath with a cold glass of wine. Last week he found a rabbit-shaped teapot at a charity shop, and we've derived great happiness from drinking everything from coffee to beer out of it... we call it the bunny-beverage-beaker

 

Yes, I know the things that make us happy are pathetic and most people wouldn't even think twice about them. But perhaps that's the point...

[cuppa]

You mean you ALSO do the physically challenging adventures IN ADDITION to the romantic stuff. Most guys would be ecstatic to have their spouse also willing and able to partake in their hobbies or sports. Often times, it doesn't work out that way.

 

Yeah, that I think is the part where I have to resolve in the counselling, I am jealous to see how other couple travelling together, going skiing together, and do all those outdoor stuff together. We are young, we are not strapped for cash, we have no kids, and we are fit, I think this is the golden year where we are supposed to have fun together. I am game even if we want to go to Egypt or something since he's quite fascinated with Pyramid. The tibet trip was my idea and when I dragged him, though he suffered AMS, he's actually quite happy.

 

I'm the adrenaline pumping type and he's the homey guy, like very extreme on each side. I am game for everything and he's a creature of habit. Where can we find the balance? I.e: Before our marriage, I used to snowboard quite often. After the marriage, I have never once hit the snow, to the point I think I will be scared to snowboard since it's been a long time.

 

I can't blame him of course, it's the choice I make, it's the compromise for the happy marriage and I know this before going into the marriage. but yeah, I told him that I will snowboard a few times this year but this means, I will spend a few weekends away from him which in the past, has caused problems in our relationship *sigh* I just hope that we can meet in the middle during our counseling.

[Holding-On]

I love love letters. My husband used to write me before and I used to re-read them a lot of times. Yes, small and sweet gestures are the ones that I think keep the marriage strong & exciting.

 

 

Hmmm...all this talk of love letters. You may have something there. It definitely worked from my husband too.

I'm somewhat pragmatic but I still have the letters my husband wrote to me when we were dating. And yes, I do reread them.

It meant a lot that in the middle of being part of a rescue mission in an ice storm he could think to scribble me some words using a blunt pencil on a scrap of paper. Especially since he's an engineer (not a wordy guy)