I have been blindsided... the MM does it to me again...

[whichwayisup]

What he is thinking? He's probably got 100 thoughts running through his head. And not one of them really makes sense.

 

Try to accept that this IS over. And let yourself grieve, with the knowledge that you are free. As painful as it is, (and I said this before) and how awful you feel 'now', in afew weeks or a month, you'll feel alot better. Remember WHO he is, compared to WHO you built him up to be. What you miss and love is the creation, the fantasy of he built himself up to be. THAT is not him. The man who has treated you like crap on a stick, the man who let you drive xx amount of hours to be with him, only to turn around and end it so cruely - is who he is. He's messed up and his thought process, the way he handles things in his life is unhealthy and f**ked up.

 

If he calls, I really hope you don't let him back in.

 

IF you do let him back in, then sadly, you haven't suffered enough pain, haven't let your own ego and pride take over to cut him out of your life forever.

 

EVEN IF he leaves his wife - DO you really want a man like this? A man who is capable of being so cruel, so selfish, so fake?

 

Kiss, if your therapist isn't working for you, find another one. She/he should be helping you focus on YOUR OWN healing, not focussing on HIM. She has to give you the coping skills so you can get through this..one step at a time.

[Ellin]

My thought is that MM is incredibly selfish. If he really truly loved his OW he would never have done what he did - narcissist or not.

A narcissist is incapable of truly loving anyone apart from himself, a narcissist perceives others as objects serving his own purposes.

[Ellin]

i don't know why you people are accusing this MM as a narcissist,liar,cheater,scum,douche...but for me he just wanted a side piece and knows how to get it,where as OP more than willing to offer...who is to blame here

 

when OP herself has exact same qualities....she had 4 days in her M,finally her H pissed and filed for D....she still not realized what she was doing...went for more and more...

 

I don't know the OP's story but as far as I understand she fell in love with the MM and has remained that way ever since, wanting to be with him and build their future together.

 

If that's the case then this is very different from the MM's actions. I think he might be a narcissist, because I spent 13 years with one and I know how they function. It is very typical of them to be something one minute and the opposite the next and it is not random, it is calculated - they give the most painful blow exactly when they know it will hurt most. Just like she described here. Or perhaps he might have some other personality disorder, but seems to be some kind of psychopatic type, it's not an emotionally healthy person's behavior.

 

And that would also explain the hold he's got over her.

[wheelwright]

 

If that's the case then this is very different from the MM's actions. I think he might be a narcissist, because I spent 13 years with one and I know how they function. It is very typical of them to be something one minute and the opposite the next and it is not random, it is calculated - they give the most painful blow exactly when they know it will hurt most. Just like she described here.

 

I am very interested in this quote Ellin. Do you have a source I could read about it?

 

My xMOM did exactly this not only to me but to his BS. He took me and then her to 'heaven' and then he dumped on us both. Is it really calculated like this? That seems pretty evil!

[jennie-jennie]

I am very interested in this quote Ellin. Do you have a source I could read about it?

 

My xMOM did exactly this not only to me but to his BS. He took me and then her to 'heaven' and then he dumped on us both. Is it really calculated like this? That seems pretty evil!

 

Ellin, be careful, links are not allowed here on LS. Better to tell key words that other posters can google themselves.

[whichwayisup]

I think she meant a link to Ellin's story here on LS. Those are allowed.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

IMTK, It sounds like you are really hurting. Spending time on your kids right now is crucial! and it can also be very healing to focus on nothing but your children...thats what I do when I'm upset or when hurtful feelings fill my mind I just think about my little loves. They need you right now, he doesn't.

[Ellin]

"understand she fell in love with the MM and has remained that way ever since, wanting to be with him and build their future together"

 

this is exactly what i am talking about,how can that be love for her and narcissism for him...when both are doing the same(here i am talking about initial 4 ddays when she was still married to her H)

 

in that case she should be as scum as him , as douche as him or as narcissist

as him

 

Scorpmale, you don't seem to understand what you're talking about, you're calling her offensive names (and btw this is againt the rules of the forum and she should report you for that). "Narcissist" is not and insult, it's not a different word for 'a bad person' or something like that, it is a name of a specific personality disorder with specific characteristics.

[Ellin]

I am very interested in this quote Ellin. Do you have a source I could read about it?

 

My xMOM did exactly this not only to me but to his BS. He took me and then her to 'heaven' and then he dumped on us both. Is it really calculated like this? That seems pretty evil!

 

Hi Wheelwright.

 

I don't know enough to tell if your xMOM's actions could point to narcissistic traits. What you've written above on its own doesn't mean that necessarily.

 

My xH did this to me on regular basis. I only noticed properly and understood the patterns and dynamics of it when I read up on NPD.

 

He would wait for a moment when things were fairly calm and I felt (kind of) happy OR when he knew I needed him (for example when I was pregnant) and he would all of a sudden destroy it all, threaten to leave me or actually leave me (which I now know was just a game) and my world would come crashing down. My mind spinning, thinking about him obsessively, trying to figure out what was going on and why, what had I done, why he was doing it to me etc etc.

 

It made me doubt my own sanity because I already knew he wasn't good for me but the master manipulator knew how to cause this emotional reaction in me and I felt I couldn't even trust myself any more, because I often felt I didn't want him around any more but then when he delivered his blow I suddenly felt I couldn't cope with this abandonment and it made me feel as if I wanted him (while I didn't).

 

He did it to tighten his control over me, to get his kicks, to have his drama he needed in his broken mind. I don't know if it's evil. I thought about it for a long time - evil or sick. It's really hard to decide. But I believe we all have choices and make decisions at some level. Anyhow it is pretty pathetic to have to resort to such things to feel good about yourself.

 

Just google NPD (narcissistic personality disorder), there's many websites, read as many as you can to get the best idea of it. You will come across Sam Vaknin, who is some kind of guru on the subject, he claimes he is a narcissist himself. I think he provides a good insight into the narcissistic mind, but I feel it's a bit ironic that people who have been subjected to naricissistic abuse turn to another narcissist to help them heal, so I'm not convinced his advice on dealing with the abuse is the best, for me it wasn't but then again I'm not such a fan of NC.

 

Maybe you should read up on other personality disorders, but I think you already have read about psychopaty.

 

In any case I'm happy to tell you more if you're interested.

Edited January 27, 2010 by Ellin

[QueenVictoria]

He is a flake, too wobbly

[wheelwright]

Hi Wheelwright.

 

I don't know enough to tell if your xMOM's actions could point to narcissistic traits. What you've written above on its own doesn't mean that necessarily.

 

My xH did this to me on regular basis. I only noticed properly and understood the patterns and dynamics of it when I read up on NPD.

 

He would wait for a moment when things were fairly calm and I felt (kind of) happy OR when he knew I needed him (for example when I was pregnant) and he would all of a sudden destroy it all, threaten to leave me or actually leave me (which I now know was just a game) and my world would come crashing down. My mind spinning, thinking about him obsessively, trying to figure out what was going on and why, what had I done, why he was doing it to me etc etc.

 

It made me doubt my own sanity because I already knew he wasn't good for me but the master manipulator knew how to cause this emotional reaction in me and I felt I couldn't even trust myself any more, because I often felt I didn't want him around any more but then when he delivered his blow I suddenly felt I couldn't cope with this abandonment and it made me feel as if I wanted him (while I didn't).

 

He did it to tighten his control over me, to get his kicks, to have his drama he needed in his broken mind. I don't know if it's evil. I thought about it for a long time - evil or sick. It's really hard to decide. But I believe we all have choices and make decisions at some level. Anyhow it is pretty pathetic to have to resort to such things to feel good about yourself.

 

Just google NPD (narcissistic personality disorder), there's many websites, read as many as you can to get the best idea of it. You will come across Sam Vaknin, who is some kind of guru on the subject, he claimes he is a narcissist himself. I think he provides a good insight into the narcissistic mind, but I feel it's a bit ironic that people who have been subjected to naricissistic abuse turn to another narcissist to help them heal, so I'm not convinced his advice on dealing with the abuse is the best, for me it wasn't but then again I'm not such a fan of NC.

 

Maybe you should read up on other personality disorders, but I think you already have read about psychopaty.

 

In any case I'm happy to tell you more if you're interested.

 

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Appreciated - you seem to be pretty clued up on the subject. (Because of the history I guess).

[pureinheart]

I certainly do not. None of us have met him and most likely none of us are in a position to be able to give him a diagnosis even if we did meet him. I find it very insulting to call IMTK's MM any of these things. Why would she be together with such a man? Why would she love such a man? How can anyone find it appropriate to post such things about a man they have never met?

 

There are explanations to extramarital affairs out there which are not as insulting as narcissism and sociopath. Why even bring up these extreme conditions? Isn't it much more likely that IMTK's MM is struggling with love and commitment pulling him in two opposite directions?

 

JJ, in my experience, which is limited (BS, WS, AP), I have found that the majority of people are simply stressed out....you know, trying to make it all work. Everybody screws up and to me it's all about understanding and forgiveness.

 

Now as a BS (many times) I chose to leave and in thinking back it was mostlikely a drastic measure....something in my mind snapped and I left the M emotionally...then comes the next process...

 

With ex MM I was sooo angry at everything and everyone...had many stressors which were contributers also both present and past. I judged him harshly and was wrong. I have judged many harshly due to my own unresolved anger in the past and was wrong.

 

Every situation is different, and to evaluate can be very difficult, if not impossible. With that said am in total agreement.

[RedDevil66]

. I have judged many harshly due to my own unresolved anger in the past and was wrong.

 

.

 

 

Like how you judged me and others in the other thread w/out even knowing us.....

Being a harsh judge is a slipperly slope

[silverplanets]

Hi IMTK,

 

I can't post as long as I'd like I'm afraid as short on time, but just wanted to say I am sorry that you've got hurt again.

 

As before all I feel for you at this stage is compassion ... a lot of us have been there and , like you, willingly gone back for more, only to be knocked down harder and deeper than before.

 

Although the advice has to be to try and keep him away from your life until you are stronger, I also know that this is really hard when you're having all these genuine feelings for him and confusion as to what he is doing.

 

Cutting to the chase, it looks like you have a choice before you at present:

 

first - you can keep chasing after him, worrying for him, going back to him etc and probably you know that you're just going to get more and more pain from this route

 

second - you can just put up the barricades of NC and distance himself from your life whilst you allow you're inner strengh and core to heal again. This is also going to hurt, and maybe even more so in the short term, but ultimately, once you're strong then there will be no more repeat pain

 

It's impossible to say if either of these is right or wrong for you. For me I needed to throw myself time and time (and time !!!) against the wall before I realised that I truly had reached the point where I decided enough was enough.

 

I think we all need to reach that point and until we do it's very hard to really fully accept the other choice.

 

A major part of my "enough" descision was the affect that me not being happy had on my child. It was all very well me deciding to throw myself back in the lions den and knowing i would (probably) survive in some way or form ... but when I had to consider that me being hurt again affected my ability to parent then I realised that I was not willing to risk my child's happiness on this other person coming through.

 

I guess what I am saying is that whilst I didn't value myself enough to save myself enough from future pain, I did value my child enough to want to protect them it.

 

So, ultimately, I chose to protect my child and that made NC an easy choice (although not an easy action).

 

I would love to be able to flick a switch in you which stopped you throwing yourself back into this but I also know that only you will know when enough is enough.

 

I remember a time when I received an email from her trying to entice me back in by trying to start an argument about something ... I had my daughter next to me and had read the email with the usual excitment of "at last, this could be THE email" ... of course it wasn't, just another hook/drama play, and I started to reply ... then i stopped and thought ... "if I reply x she will this, y she will say that, she will say the other" etc etc and so my head was going round in spins trying to work out what I should type ....

 

and I saw this endless series of pointless communications coming from my reply , all of which would take me more time, disturb my emotional peace and ultimately NONE of which would make any descision to her actions or would make right any of her past actions.

 

And as I did this, I looked at my daugher and imagined the hours she would be sat next to me as I concocted all these replies and played out this drama ....

 

And so I reached up and switched the computer off without replying and turned around to my daughter and said "shall we go to the beach" ... and that's what we did.

 

No need to reply, no drama, no wasted hours - instead I spent the time positively with my daughter.

 

And in my mind I thanked her for sending such an obvious "hook" email that it made me aware that I could choose to play with my daughter instead of replying.

 

Today was my daughters 10th birthday, I have given her and her friends a wonderful day and as I sit her now I am just grateful that I no longer waste time on my MW - otherwise I wouldn't have had the strengh and energy to really be there for my daughter today.

 

If MW decides to decently divorce, gets her head straight and wishes to approach me openly and honestly then I will make a fresh assessment of whether having her in my life is good for me or not.

 

In the meantime she is no longer wasting my time or removing my energy from mine and my daughers life.

 

Be safe IMTK

 

Chris

[RedDevil66]

Chris, that was a beautiful and insightful reply. Thanks for sharing

[Tony]

If you are unable to stay on topic, that is, write something that relates to the original post then please kindly refrain from posting in this thread. Thank you in advance.

[MizzBlue72]

IMTK -

I am REALLY sorry that he did this to you.

My advice: MOVE ON!!!!! And do NOT look back!!!!

 

He does NOT deserve you. He has now gotten a case of the willies, and he is feeling guilty - well bravo for him. (I guess) ....

He obviously does NOT mind hurting you, over and over and over again.

 

So end it - be done with it, grieve him, change your number, emails, etc.

 

DO NOT talk to him - EVER again because he will SUCK you back in if he can!!!

 

Hold your head high -- regardless of what anyone says. And you DO deserve SO much more. Let him go back and deal with putting everything back in order. I would be shocked if he honestly told his wife anything about anything. He wants to look good -

 

I feel for you. Good luck.

[Klassywife]

Can someone please tell me what he is thinking? is he going to try to do this to me again? I can't handle any more pain...

 

 

If you continue to engage with him, then yes he will do it again and again, you can only control what YOU do.

[fooled once]

IMTK, how are you doing???? Can you give us an update?

[kis]

IMTK, how are you doing???? Can you give us an update?

 

IMTK

Wow I have just finished reading this whole thread and I am blown away at how i was in the same sitiation as you. The difference is i was the wife not the OW. My husband would say he wanted a divorce one day and leave and the next he would be begging for forgiveness. This went on and on. We seperated 4 of 5 heartwrenching times. And guess what. We even ended up getting a divorce. This did not even stop the cycle. As soon as the divorce was final and I am sure his OW thought it was over he was begging me for one more chance saying he could never be happy again if we were not together. We got remarried. That was more ten years ago. I have had lots of hurt and time to think about it over the years and I know the OW had great pain as well. I do not think he was evil even though he put everyone including him self thru hell. He was extremely confused and i believe in love with two women. He did and your MM will too do everything in his power to have both as long as he can. This will not end until one of you end it. I am sorry to tell you it will be the wife he picks.

Sorry you are in pain. But it will never end if you stay connected to him.

[RedDevil66]

wondering how she's doing as well.

 

I PRAY she is healing and didn't find her way back to this madness

[Ms. Red]

wondering how she's doing as well.

 

I PRAY she is healing and didn't find her way back to this madness

 

 

Her latest update thread is HERE . However, it's still been a week since we've heard from her. I hope she is doing well.

[I Miss the Kiss]

Hi everyone... I'm still here, albeit a mess

 

During the first two weeks after xMM bailed on his wife and then went crawling back to her in less than 24 hours, I heard from him only once, only less than a week later. He had responded to a text I had sent (yes, I'm an idiot). This is when he said, "Short of a tragedy, we can't be together..." I think I have already posted about this incident anyway.

 

So other than that, NOTHING... until Sunday evening. It was almost time for the Super Bowl, and MM knows I am a Colts fan (I live in Indy...). So out of NOWHERE, he texts: "GO COLTS!"

 

A$$hat. Right then and there, everything I had gained (which wasn't a whole lot, really) was out the window To summarize the next TWO DAYS of texts (134 between the two of us):

 

1. He was in Florida with his dad, picking up a boat. Obviously, he was out of his "element" and nowhere near his W, so it made it all the easier to text me.

 

2. He used the football game as a reason to connect with me without having any other real "reason." Excuse #1.

 

3. At first it was just general football talk, etc., then out of nowhere he asked me if I had had SEX yet. ???!!!! I told him it was none of his business and that I had been asked out by someone (who happens to also be a firefighter, which really p*ssed him off). And for the record, I have no intention of going out with this man, no interest. I am not ready to date anyway. I am mourning a marriage AND the MM. I am taking care of ME.

 

4. So slowly he became comfortable and mentioned over the course of texts that he missed me, is still loving me, and "would like to say I am comfortable with the choice I made (to go back to his W), but I can't say that." He also said he had seen some "cute stuff" for my DAUGHTERS in the souvenir shops in Florida. WTF?! I told him to get it for his own daughter...

 

5. He also said it still makes him want to vomit to think of me with someone else, "I'm missing you, yet I let you go...." YA IDIOT! You let me go!! I'm not going to remain celibate (sp) the rest of my life!

 

This general cr*p went on, and although he did get to me, I was strong and steeled myself for the next blow, which came last night. We had texted briefly through the day, and after telling me he missed me and loved me, the next text was, "I am commited to (wife), (kid), and (kid), and I can't put them through this again. We will be okay someday..."

 

So Jekyll and Hyde strikes again. I just sat there, cried briefly, then shook my head. He really is a mess.

 

Yes, I let him do it, but guess what?! I feel even stronger now, because I am OKAY today. I am not crying. I am acutally feeling proud of myself for letting him know in no uncertain terms that I am moving on (and I did tell him that). I finally got to tell him about my three days in the hospital after he dumped me last time, and he said he felt sick. I said, "You should."

 

So that's my update Yes, I'm still weak in letting him communicate, but it is cathartic to me to be able to stand up to him, which is something I have NEVER done. It makes me feel stronger. If he ever comes around again, I will do even better. He has now made me WANT to move on, not just "need to" move on. I feel strong. ROAR!!!!!!!!

 

Do I love him still? Absolutely....

[ladydesigner]

Great to hear the update I have been following your story closely. What an idiot for using football as a fishing expedition. He really sounds like a screwjob. Hopefully one day, and you will, tell him to take a hike on his next fishing expedition. Then tell him about all the great sex you have been having:lmao:

[whichwayisup]

I'm glad you aren't letting him back in...Stay strong!

 

He's a complete idiot, manipulative too, to text you all that stuff. I'm blown away just reading it and cannot believe after everything that happened he had/has the balls to text you..Over and over again. Obviously he was fishing too, to see how you'd react, to see if you'd allow him back into your life.

 

Please, do yourself a huge favour - As much as it's a pain in the butt to do, change your cell number so he can't contact you again. You can't keep going through these emotions when he contacts you. And, you KNOW he will again in the future at some point.