How to move on if I totally love him?

[Ellin]

It IS simple Ellin.

YOU have the power of CHOICE. Just use it.

Pick a course of action...

 

1) Fights for him

2) Walks from him

3) Do nothing

 

Yes...THAT simple.

 

Easy? Hell no.

 

You gotta choose otherwise you get number 3 by default.

And once you choose...you ACT...FIGHT for him or RUN.

 

Let me ask you this...why DON'T you FIGHT for him? Whats keeping you from giving 100% max effort to get him in your life? I mean, no holds barred knock down drag out FIGHT.

 

Thanks for that. These are the 'conventional' choices.. There are a few other less conventional ones, but let's not go into that now, because thinking of these three points is quite helpful actually.

 

Ok. The closest option to what I WANT is the first one. I want to fight.

Any suggestions?? Please?

[jwi71]

These are the 'conventional' choices.. There are a few other less conventional ones, but let's not go into that now, because thinking of these three points is quite helpful actually.

 

Well, I have some bad news for you.

 

And let's just take a second to look at the three choices I provided...and I think you will see that ALL actions fall under one of the three.

 

Lets start with the easy one first.

 

Do Nothing. Basically, do nothing different. Obviously, if you do nothing (aka wait and hope) nothing will change. Well, MAYBE he ups and decides but given his history with this woman...that's not terribly likely. Anyways, this simply cedes all decision making to him...you have power too you know.

 

Walk Away. Actions that fall under the category of "leaving him" fall here. This is certainly an action (or sequence of actions) you can take. NC, block him, focus on you etc...behaviors which end the A and allow you to move forward w/o him.

 

Fight for him. This is anything which tries to "win or convince him" to leave and be exclusively with you. A whole range of behaviors land here...everything from love letters to telling the BS.

 

OK...you want to fight.

 

The easiest way may be to simply to tell him what you want.

 

"I want you in my life because I love you. I want you to leave <the neighbor> and be solely and exclusively with me. How do I make this happen?"

 

Have you told him what you want?

 

Have you directly asked him...

 

"Do you love me?"

"Do you love <the neighbor>?"

"Where is this R going?"

"What does the future hold for us?"

"Do you want to be with me exclusively as my H?"

"Will you ever be able to leave <the neighbor> to her life?"

 

He will, in time, answer honestly. And by this I mean, the truth is hard to hide especially if you are rightfully asking for it.

 

And remember the bad news I mentioned? Here it is.

 

You CANNOT fight for him (or any person really). And my premise, part of my belief system, is a person should VOLUNTARILY CHOOSE to be with you. Because "fighting for him" is, in a sense, trying to manipulate his options so he chooses you but NOT his "natural unencumbered" choice.

 

When a person chooses another and that choice is w/o "fighting for him" then its a natural and unencumbered choice...He/she TRULY wanted it. And if you fight, then how much of his decision making was based not on what he truly wants but because options you removed (like telling the neighbor the nature of your R with him) are no longer open to him?

 

Do you want someone who comes to you because the option he would take w/o interference is no longer there?

 

That's the problem I have with "fighting" for someone.

 

I would tell him unambiguously what you want. And see what he CHOOSES. When he makes his choice...are you ok with it? If so, great...that's the path to TRUE happiness.

 

But if you aren't ok with the his decision...then you have your answer. Either "settle" (accept less than what you want) or leave. Settling sucks...its not really happy. Its accepting half when you want it all.

 

Leaving, however painful, at least gives you the chance at happiness and getting it all...just from someone else.

[Agent_99]

There is so much love and warmth in the way you talk about her.

I'd like to know more about your story. Can you direct me to any posts where you have written more?

 

Just wanted to add that similarly, the last time I fell in love with someone so deeply was in my late teens (so 20 years ago), it didn't work out but I couldn't get over him for years, I still like him a lot. I thought I loved my xH, but now I know that it was for the wrong reasons and I feel nothing for him at all. Now with this man it's love like never before..

 

I believe that if you search my SN in the advanced search you can stipulate only posts that I have started. It's been a while since I was very active here. So they are slightly more than a year old.

 

I've been involved in the A for almost 2 1/2 years. It's had it's ups and downs and I remember the misery I felt when I couldn't accept it for what it was and is.

 

That's just it with MW I am SO incredibly in love with her. I fell for all the addiction talk during the first year thinking that that's where the intensity came from for me. And I think for some, that's all it is, the dynamics of an affair can be very addicting. But once the rollercoaster went away, well I found that I was still very deeply truly in love with her. And her me.

 

Yes she has a BS whom she cares about and children with her partner. And while I don't personally agree with her reasons for staying, I DO understand them and realize that I can't make her change such a deep fundamental belief. So I accept our R how it is. It'll never be everything I could need. But when I am with her or talking to her on the phone, the feeling is always MORE than I thought I could feel. MORE than I ever thought love was supposed to be.

 

Thank you everyone for these warm words of support! You are all such sweet darlings!

 

It's interesting how everyone has a different take on it and a different remedy. Due to one's own experiences, I suppose. Mine is different still.

 

Now my head is spinning even more. Why can't it just be simple...

 

So many AP do understand the 'head spinning, why can't it be simpler' feeling. And everyone's situation IS unique. My A is so 'classic' in so many ways. Although we are lesbians, that is one difference. We've done the secret motel meetings, when she travels for confrences, I am 'the gf'. We have the 'secret phone' (refered to by someone we know as the batphone! ).

 

So while on the outside my affair can be fitted into a neat little box, there are still real people involved, real feelings, real lives.

 

Even though I am comfortable with the way things are, there are still aspects that make it harder. She hurt herself a couple weeks ago, and because she was in the hospitol and then needed help at home we weren't able to talk. I wasn't able to travel to go see her. I just had to wait to hear that she was going to be okay. But then being the A that it is, we also have 'contacts' She has someone she trusts to know about us, who let me know what was going on the whole way. And if something ever happened to me, she has someone I know that she could contact, or who knows to contact her.

 

So please don't think I'm painting it as all roses. Well maybe I am, the thorns are still there and they hurt, but it's still a beautiful thing to have between her and I.

 

And I do want to comment to those that say that Ellin's guy would just leave if he wanted:

 

Alcoholism is not an illness that affects just the alcoholic. Severe alcoholism, especially causes the people surrounding the alcohilic to become ill in a variety of ways. Living with an alcoholic or addict is one of the most twisted, mind and heart bending experiences anyone could experience. It wouldn't matter how healthy mentally and emotionally you are going into it, It eventually causes the people around to become ill too.

 

I can't say all his reasons for not being able/not wanting to leave, only he really knows in his mind and heart why he's still there.

 

Even just as someone who cares for him, Ellin, you might want to encourage him to attend alanon or coda meetings. Either of those will help him start healing and gaining some understanding for himeself and the choices he makes for himself. I'll also help him seperate himself from her alcoholism. Whether or not he stays with her.

 

hugs

[MizzBlue72]

Yes it is. OK, ok...you're right...the "mm" isn't married to the neighbor, they don't have kids, they don't have financial ties and they don't have sex...but EMOTIONALLY, he IS "married" to her. SO treating this like a "normal" MM is appropriate in my view. In fact, and I have previously written to Ellin, those are all HUGE red flags for her. He can walk at any time...and does not.

 

Nope. He won't leave and she wants him to leave. Same dynamic as almost every other OM/OW post. The twist here is the neighbor has several dependency issues and manipulates the "MM" with them to great effect. You are speaking about the "MM" and the neighbor...not Ellin and the MM.

 

Why not?

HE isn't the alcoholic, chain smoking "disturbed" neighbor...so, WHY can't she fight for him again? How does HE determine HER actions?

 

I said the options were simple, not easy.

Please don't put words in my mouth.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t159343/

 

I ultimately divorced her after a few more months of that crap.

(best. move. ever.)

Loving a single man is NOT a problem.

The problem is, as stated above, he ISN'T married, they have NO financial ties, NO kids, NO sex, etc etc etc and he CHOOSES to STAY.

It IS black and white.

She fights for the object of her affection or does not.

She leaves the situation...or does not.

Or she does nothing. (which changes nothing)

 

If there is a fourth option ELLIN can DO...let me know. Let Ellin know.

I agree 100%. And its the answer to the question I asked Ellin (Why haven't you fought 100%).

Its WHAT Ellin needs to realize...she CAN'T fight. She can't DO ANYTHING to change his behavior. HE is EXACTLY where he wants to be. So, Ellin either accepts it (does nothing) or walks.

 

I personally hope she thinks this through, understands and accepts this twisted dynamic her "MM" and the neighbor have and WALKS.

 

Because she CAN'T fight or change him. Period. She fights, SHE loses.

She does nothing, she loses.

She leaves, she WINS.

 

And yes MB, it IS that black and white.

 

 

NO - not black and white ... sorry.

[SuburbanOblivion]

Actually I think it can be broken down into far more simple 'black and white'..

 

If this guy wanted to be with the OP, he would. He's not.

 

Given the lack of ties(marriage, kids) it should be even that much more simple for him to make a move to be with her, but he hasn't.

 

OP, you talk about how much you love him, I wish you'd love yourself as much as you love him and realize you deserve far more than the table scraps of a relationship you are settling for. Why do you think the 'love' you get from a man clearly not willing to devote himself to you is worth putting your entire life on hold for?