Sexless marriage - how common?

[cuppa]

A friend of mine just left her marriage after 38 yrs. Yes, 38 yrs! She said they had not had sex in 10 yrs. She has had enough. He's so emotionally dead that he hardly responded when she said she was leaving him. I hope you don't end up like this.

 

Do you know what made her to stay in the relationship for so long? Was it a fear of living alone? Or feeling that this is as good as it gets and I'm luckier than some women?

 

My friend told me that she has 2 fears: one, living alone and slipped in the shower and discovered dead days later (sort of like Bridget Jones moment). two, her husband might turn violent if she leaves him.

 

For me, I think it's not the fear. I think it's because I still love him and the thought of him marrying someone else (probably a prim and beautiful asian woman because that's his type and with his looks & body, I'm sure there are a lot of girls lining up to take my position) makes my heart bleed.

Edited January 19, 2010 by cuppa

[cuppa]

My wife is half Chinese, half Italian, so I don't know which half to blame it on....... Actually I blame it on her father..... It is always the father's fault (for females) and the mother's fault (for males)......

 

What happened in your situation? Are you on the same boat too?

[cuppa]

 

Why would you want to have children with someone who is opposed to being a parent? It is hard enough to raise children with two loving spouses committed to having a family.

 

 

I wanted to have kids so badly when I was in my late 20's. I was (and probably still am) a Type A personality (except maybe in my marriage). I typically set goals in my life (career & life) and I achieve them or sometime exceed them. I typically know what I wanted, even when I met my husband, I just broke up with an ex after 3 years of relationship and I had a set of list that I wanted from a husband.

 

I was looking for a husband at 21, not even for a boyfriend (unfortunately, sex is not on my list at the time and same with the ability to travel the world, I was too preoccupied with other things like loving, responsible, good job, handsome, tall, and blah blah blah). Besides, I was broke when I was 21, just graduated from college so yeah, it's very different than now when I start earning good income and being able to travel well financially.

 

Back to your question, I always told myself that i wanted to have the first kid at 28 and the second at 33 (when I got married at 25 with the man I love, I thought I was on the right pace). I thought I would be a good mom and I love kids. I love my nephews and nieces and they love me too. I used to raise my little brother and I am like a mom to him (before he met his girlfriend of course ).

 

So yeah, even if my marriage fails, I think it willl be in my list (to build family and have kids, and of course, sexually compatible and he must love to travel with me). I don't have the urge to have kids at the moment because of my marriage but it doesn't mean that it's not there. Hope it makes sense.

[giotto]

My wife is half Chinese, half Italian, so I don't know which half to blame it on....... Actually I blame it on her father..... It is always the father's fault (for females) and the mother's fault (for males)......

 

Don't blame the Italians...

[HeyThere]

I know that you want to have children. I’m not implying or saying that you shouldn’t. The first paragraph of that post is what this thread is about; a “Sexless marriage”. Again, I believe from everything I’ve read here, that you and your husband love each other very much. However, your husband seems scared “bonerless” about the idea of having children. In my opinion, that fear is what’s keeping him in the sexless arena.

[cuppa]

I know that you want to have children. I’m not implying or saying that you shouldn’t. The first paragraph of that post is what this thread is about; a “Sexless marriage”. Again, I believe from everything I’ve read here, that you and your husband love each other very much. However, your husband seems scared “bonerless” about the idea of having children. In my opinion, that fear is what’s keeping him in the sexless arena.

 

could the fear of having children make a man "bonerless"? I know he's hiding something and my friends suspect the same thing. We rule out him being gay because even my friend with acute gaydar couldn't detect that from him (and I had a gay friend who used to hit on him and he's not responding. My friend is a hot gay man too).

 

But could it be the case? thinking about it, we are never in any birth control or using condom. When we do it often, we used to do pull & pray method.

 

The last time we did (which was Christmas eve), we were actually in romantic hotel with amazing view of San Francisco. I remembered the first time when we did it without pull & pray, we were in Japan, about 4 years ago, in one of the most romantic hotel in roppongi. I was so happy and at the time, he was receptive to having children and tried it with me.

 

I could count how many times we did it normally (probably 5 or 6 times since Japan), typically in one of overseas trip which we used to go once a year (or more for me since my previous job required me to travel to these places).

 

Everything was so perfect last Christmas eve (and I might be fertile too cause I was in mid cycle), but he did the pull & pray method at the last minute. after a few weeks, I asked him why and he said I am way too sensitive on little things like this. This was after not doing it for 4 months and I got regular cycle for the first time in 2 months.

 

I mean you might be right....I'm not convinced but I'm afraid if I throw it out there, he's using this as an excuse and hide the real reason. Because if that was truly the case, I would rather be in birth control pill and enjoy a healthy sex life.

[cuppa]

I know that you want to have children. I’m not implying or saying that you shouldn’t. The first paragraph of that post is what this thread is about; a “Sexless marriage”. Again, I believe from everything I’ve read here, that you and your husband love each other very much. However, your husband seems scared “bonerless” about the idea of having children. In my opinion, that fear is what’s keeping him in the sexless arena.

 

I've been thinking about this some more. You might be onto something that he really doesn't want to have kids (after seeing what happens to his brother's marriage - wife went postpartum, no support system, and took off with the kids to asia and left the brother alone - they are separated for over 5 years now)

 

I remembered when we weren't able to take our hands off each other and I was too scared to get BC pill and he hates condom (because in my culture, I was supposed to be virgin in our wedding day so BC pill is slightly out of the question at the time) so basically we used coffeehouse method. I remembered he used to stress out every month and made comments about can't have sex more often or even went abstinence.

 

It is a possibility, the more I think about it. Now if this is the case, what can I do about it or to confirm if this is the case?

[HeyThere]

Throw the idea of birth control out there and see how he responds! Having a conversation with him about this can open up a lot of his thinking – if he’s willing to open up. Because he seems so sensitive about sex (and children?) let him take the lead in these topics, other than your throwing out the idea of birth control.

 

By the way, does your husband think everything through first before he speaks? If so, throw the idea out and say nothing again about it until he brings it up – however many days that may take. This will be hard, but you're looking to turn things around.

Edited January 19, 2010 by HeyThere

[cuppa]

T

 

By the way, does your husband think everything through first before he speaks? If so, throw the idea out and say nothing again about it until he brings it up – however many days that may take. This will be hard, but you're looking to turn things around.

 

I am afraid that this might take years. I had 2 meltdowns before last November and he knows exactly the issues are. Each time, he expects me to go back to my old self and never brought up the topic until I got another meltdown.

 

I have a deadline, I am very determined to have this resolved before my 34th birthday. I want to go through with my plan, giving him the list of the things that I can't live without and give him March deadline (2 months from now).

 

These are my list:

 

1. What is the cause of the lack of affection or passion in our marriage?

(note that I just want to know the cause, not the cure - says if he has diabetes or some kind of medical problem, as long as I know about it, I'm willing to go through it with him). I want to get to the bottom of it, if he says I don't know, then I want both of us to get check ups so we can rule out certain things.

 

2. Depending on #1, what is your commitment to have children with me? If so, when do you want to start trying?

 

3. I want to be #1 in your life. This means, I take precedent over your job, money, sports, and hobby. If I am having a breakdown (which doesn't happen often, we are talking about once every 2 or 3 years here), I want you to drop what you do including works and come home to comfort me. If I have planned things months in advanced and you agree to come with me, you will man up and tell your boss that you can't take calls at 7 PM on Friday night because of prior commitment with your family.

 

4. I want to have sex at least once a week and I want to make it happens.

 

5. I want to travel and this is beyond visiting family. You promise we will go to Europe and we will before we have kids (I won't put what follow in here but last year, I went to visit his family in asia and I was subjected to humiliating experiences including his mom dragging me from one doctor to another, giving me nasty medicines, claiming that something was wrong with me for not being able to conceive - I haven't spoken to his family for a year over this).

 

What do you think? Am I too harsh? Too direct?

[HeyThere]

Not years, but days. This is where your “Type A” character trait needs to take a back seat or several back seats. Your husband’s sexual energy and desire are there, waiting to be unleashed. However, this fear has taken over his mind and is absolutely controlling his body. You need to trust him without reservation and match him sexually in the mental area. Whatever, your husbands turn on’s are is the game you will need to play. For example, maybe your husband enjoys listening to a ballgame more than watching it. If this is the case, than sexually he would be stimulated in a similar fashion i.e. he would get off by hearing what or where you’d do to him. You know your husband better than anyone, look for the cue’s and take it from there.

 

Also, women’s brains are wired differently then men’s brains. Women think more about several issues at the same time, whereas men are typically able to think about one topic at a time. This doesn’t make one sex superior to the other; it’s just a difference in the DNA if you will.

Edited January 20, 2010 by HeyThere

[Angel1111]

Do you know what made her to stay in the relationship for so long? Was it a fear of living alone? Or feeling that this is as good as it gets and I'm luckier than some women?

 

My friend told me that she has 2 fears: one, living alone and slipped in the shower and discovered dead days later (sort of like Bridget Jones moment). two, her husband might turn violent if she leaves him.

 

For me, I think it's not the fear. I think it's because I still love him and the thought of him marrying someone else (probably a prim and beautiful asian woman because that's his type and with his looks & body, I'm sure there are a lot of girls lining up to take my position) makes my heart bleed.

 

Well, their marriage was never stellar - much like the way you describe yours - and I guess she was too afraid to leave, for whatever reason. I think they have been like roommates most of their lives and I think she just wanted someone that she can connect with. They have 2 grown kids - the son took it well but the daughter didn't. She'll be ok, though.

 

So, what are you saying? That your husband didn't marry his 'type'? That might explain a lot right there. The thing is, if you're not happy with this situation then one day you're going to lose those feelings for your husband because the two of you will lose your connection with one another. Personally, I wouldn't waste my time on a relationship like this but if you say you love him despite the fact that he doesn't find you attractive, then that's your call. I just think you could do a lot better.

[cuppa]

Well, their marriage was never stellar - much like the way you describe yours - and I guess she was too afraid to leave, for whatever reason. I think they have been like roommates most of their lives and I think she just wanted someone that she can connect with. They have 2 grown kids - the son took it well but the daughter didn't. She'll be ok, though.

 

So, what are you saying? That your husband didn't marry his 'type'? That might explain a lot right there. The thing is, if you're not happy with this situation then one day you're going to lose those feelings for your husband because the two of you will lose your connection with one another. Personally, I wouldn't waste my time on a relationship like this but if you say you love him despite the fact that he doesn't find you attractive, then that's your call. I just think you could do a lot better.

 

Angel, I don't know for sure if he doesn't find me attractive. I would like to think that I am his type unless he wants something different now. As far as I know, he likes the cute type and only dated asian women and his ex gfs are all like that too.

 

I honestly think that I look as good as when I was 25 if not better. He always said that if I go back to dating world, I will have no problems . I am not a great beauty but I am definitely not an eye sore and I think I have quite nice body. For example, last New Year Eve, again, I dressed up nicely, put a great make up, and he was definitely appreciative. I got approached a few times in the party and when the party was over, we couldn't find taxi. So we had to walk 16 blocks with me in 4 inches heels and my dress in a cold weather. He's obviously concerned that I will get blisters in my feet and he saw an open bar. He was hesitating a bit, kind of wanted to stop but instead he hugged me closer and we walked together. Later on after I got into the car, he told me that he was thinking to leave me there while he went to get a car and picked me up. But he noticed there were quite a few guys there and he was afraid that I will get picked up and hit on by them. I found it cute and endearing because I certainly know how to handle drunk guys in NYE but I don't know....I think he must still find me attractive even though we didn't make love that night or maybe I'm just fooling myself.

 

Now about my imagination...it's a bit hard to explain. I'm more direct, a little bit of Type A, I'm petite but not slender (5'2 - 120 lbs), more on the toned/sporty side with butts, hips, and breasts. Now, at his work, I see a lot of willowy, slender asian girls who seem very docile, very sweet, and dress up very nicely too. One of his friends is single and she's like 5'5, 105 lbs, doesn't like to drink (while I drink socially), and just seems very sweet/cute (which is exactly his type). I know nothing is going on between the,m but you know, when I imagine the type of girls that he will date or he will marry after me, I would think about her and my heart bleeds a bit (it definitely bleeds less throughout time though, like for example, I'm thinking about it now, I don't feel as much pain, maybe in 2 months, I wouldn't care anymore). I don't think I'm ready to leave yet, I need to give it one more shot (hence the list) before my 34th birthday.

[HeyThere]

...the thought of him marrying someone else (probably a prim and beautiful asian woman because that's his type and with his looks & body, I'm sure there are a lot of girls lining up to take my position) makes my heart bleed.

 

This is one area I’ll never, ever, ever (did I say never, ever, ever) understand about women – their perception of themselves. You talk about how you keep yourself in shape, that you’re dressed to kill when you went out to dinner with your husband, but somehow you feel inadequate to some other “asian woman” ready to take your place? The ability to love another is not complete until you love yourself! Being happy within and without is imperative. My wife does this also, and it makes both of us crazy, that I have to ask her if she doesn’t think of herself as beautiful? Then she takes notice of her self doubt, and realizes that she is “hot”. Your description is Hot, Hot, Hot!

 

One more question, do you think your “Type A” character trait contributes to your “meltdowns”?

Edited January 20, 2010 by HeyThere

[Mr White]

As far as I can tell it is pretty common; The biggest danger is sliding into a pattern, and then it is too late or too difficult to change it.

THe affected party (typically the man) should confront the offender immediately rather than give benefit of the doubt; that would backfire;

[Toodamnpragmatic]

What happened in your situation? Are you on the same boat too?

 

Your honesty and questions and in your face comments are a refreshing change....... Does do a search of my posts...... Very simply I do not understand females. I equate enjoyable sex to a females orgasms, and if they have them then you should/can/could have it more often. I have been told it doesn't work that way. I am pig-headed and refuse to accept it.....

 

There are a number of men here, all in their 40's still in love with their wives, with children wondering that if sex is good why it is not more a priority.

 

Cuppa, however I am concerned. You seem to tell stories and stretch to find positives in your spouse. Sex is simple, it is spontaneous and either it is a priority in one's life or it isn't. Once a week is not a whole lot to ask for or expect from two people who love each other.

 

I also must say your issues about BC and Children are just way off..... You either discuss why he does not want children or is apprehensive or you use birth control until you are ready. Not a difficult decision.

 

Keep posting, I find you fascinating........

[cuppa]

This is one area I’ll never, ever, ever (did I say never, ever, ever) understand about women – their perception of themselves. You talk about how you keep yourself in shape, that you’re dressed to kill when you went out to dinner with your husband, but somehow you feel inadequate to some other “asian woman” ready to take your place? The ability to love another is not complete until you love yourself! Being happy within and without is imperative. My wife does this also, and it makes both of us crazy, that I have to ask her if she doesn’t think of herself as beautiful? Then she takes notice of her self doubt, and realizes that she is “hot”. Your description is Hot, Hot, Hot!

 

One more question, do you think your “Type A” character trait contributes to your “meltdowns”?

 

I think you got me wrong. I admit that growing up, I wished I was that tall and slender asian woman (the sort who looked like Singapore airlines flight attendant with their slender calves, their dainty waist, and their delicate facial features). But if anything, since I moved here for school 15 years ago, I actually embraced my curve. I even think that Selma Hayek & I have the same body type & measurement so I am comfortable with my body and I am really not bad looking ( I know that). My husband used to like the fact that I play sports (though lately, since I start taking kickboxing and crossfit, he starts worrying that I might get too muscular - which is not yet the case). I have a few coworkers or sometimes random strangers who want to have affairs with me or leave me their numbers so I know I'm not ugly or I do have OK personality.

 

The reason I use that imaginary scenario in my head is to test if I am ready to walk out of my marriage. This means, I used a picture perfect asian girl, the one that I aspired to look like before, and with my husband (who's 6' tall and 185 lbs - fit, toned, and handsome). So I'm kind of using my old insecurity + jealousy to prepare myself for the worst scenario. I even sometimes add that they will have children right away and have honeymoon in Capetown & Europe (my dream) while I become a woman who grows old with cats & dogs. Of course, I just told this to my best friend and one of my male friends, they were just looking at me as if I had horns growing out of my head.

 

Regardless, if I make a life changing decision like this, I have to be prepared for the worst .

 

you know that movie....like 500 days of Summer? What if that I get divorce, he finds the one, and she gets pregnant right away and he becomes a good father that I know he is capable of? I think that's the most hurtful thing in the world because I put 11 years with him and he couldn't do it with me....does that make sense?

[cuppa]

Your honesty and questions and in your face comments are a refreshing change....... Does do a search of my posts...... Very simply I do not understand females. I equate enjoyable sex to a females orgasms, and if they have them then you should/can/could have it more often. I have been told it doesn't work that way. I am pig-headed and refuse to accept it.....

 

There are a number of men here, all in their 40's still in love with their wives, with children wondering that if sex is good why it is not more a priority.

 

Cuppa, however I am concerned. You seem to tell stories and stretch to find positives in your spouse. Sex is simple, it is spontaneous and either it is a priority in one's life or it isn't. Once a week is not a whole lot to ask for or expect from two people who love each other.

 

I also must say your issues about BC and Children are just way off..... You either discuss why he does not want children or is apprehensive or you use birth control until you are ready. Not a difficult decision.

 

Keep posting, I find you fascinating........

 

Now you know...at least there are two of us out there who are young and one even looks like Giselle, who are very sexual in nature, take care of ourselves very well, independent, have our own career but we can't even get laid once a week with our loving husbands.

 

Sometimes, we want to scream at the irony, they always talk about the men... A few of our friends who are in similar situation take comfort with the fact that my bestfriend and I have this issue. In their words "Oh you guys, I would never guess that people like you have this issue..." I guess it's supposed to be comforting but oh well...

 

Both of us used to take care ourselves sexually in daily basis. Now, we both take it out on our exercises. I join crossfit and kickboxing and she does brazilian capoiera and yoga. At least by the time we get home, we are so bone tired, we can barely think about anything else, not to mention that we look good by doing this too (which helps our self esteem). I guess we need to continue doing this until we feel we are ready to go one way or another.

[HeyThere]

Cuppa, however I am concerned. You seem to tell stories and stretch to find positives in your spouse. Sex is simple, it is spontaneous and either it is a priority in one's life or it isn't. Once a week is not a whole lot to ask for or expect from two people who love each other.

 

I also must say your issues about BC and Children are just way off..... You either discuss why he does not want children or is apprehensive or you use birth control until you are ready. Not a difficult decision.

 

Toodamnpragmatic your moniker says a lot. Issues with couples/people are not cut and dried; the common sentiment to cut and run is not always the correct solution. It is estimated that first time marriages in the USA work 50% of the time, second marriages 33% and third at 25%; those are all weak figures. Our society has such little patience in dealing with the individual with all their beauty and warts together. There is an expression “don’t throw out the baby with the bath water” and in relationships that is very apt. Some relationships don’t work for a variety of reasons; only cuppa and her husband can determine that for themselves. I can simply comment on what I’ve read and my own experiences.

 

You are quick to judge cuppa’s positive comments about her husband. Also, you are quick to judge the husbands fears about sex and babies, which by the way is not so unusual for either sex. There is always more than one contributing factor to any issue, being the practical guy that you are, wouldn’t you agree?

 

cuppa has clearly expressed the birth control method of “pull and pray”. If I were in that kind of relationship, especially knowing that children aren’t wanted; I’d be scared “bonerless” as well.

 

Sex should be simple and it should be spontaneous, however, life with all its intricacies and happenings often get in the way. If not, then there’d be little need for this topic in the forum.

Edited January 20, 2010 by HeyThere

[Angel1111]

I'll concede that I know very little about sexless marriages (except from what people post here, and people I've known personally), nor do I understand them. It seems only natural that if you love someone, you want to make love with them - particularly when you're in your 30's.

 

From what I've seen with these kinds of marriages - whether it's the male or female who doesn't want sex - is that the partner who does want sex eventually gets fed up and, at all costs, looks for someone else who can fill that need of being touched and loved. Usually they end up having an affair. With the meltdowns that the OP has every 6 mos or so, this stuff is going to get very old one day. To me, it's a clear sign that she isn't adpating to the stresses of this relationship and it's costing her her peace of mind. I just think it's too much of an imbalance for any relationship to work when it lacks the basics for love and closeness.

[cuppa]

I'll concede that I know very little about sexless marriages (except from what people post here, and people I've known personally), nor do I understand them. It seems only natural that if you love someone, you want to make love with them - particularly when you're in your 30's.

 

From what I've seen with these kinds of marriages - whether it's the male or female who doesn't want sex - is that the partner who does want sex eventually gets fed up and, at all costs, looks for someone else who can fill that need of being touched and loved. Usually they end up having an affair. With the meltdowns that the OP has every 6 mos or so, this stuff is going to get very old one day. To me, it's a clear sign that she isn't adpating to the stresses of this relationship and it's costing her her peace of mind. I just think it's too much of an imbalance for any relationship to work when it lacks the basics for love and closeness.

 

You are right but on the flip side, I know a lot of women who are looking for love and for one reason or another, never find the love of their lives. There is this idiom of "As good as it gets". I used to feel so lucky in my 20s. I have great career going on for me, I married the man I love (not settling down), we were buying our first house together, he treat me with respect, he lets me to be who I am...so many things to look for.

 

I sometimes look at my wedding picture, he did everything in our wedding to my liking. I had a wedding of my dream, I looked like a princess, my parents were so proud standing next to me, my husband looked at me so lovingly in every pic, we had the best reception in a well known 5 star hotel with a beautiful ballroom (which was my dream and I told my husband about this before that and he followed through with this to make me happy).

 

Life could be better....I sometimes attribute this to some cultural differences. Here, in the US, a lot of it is about a pursuit of happiness. Me, me, me, it's all about Maslow Hierarchy of Needs, everyone wants to be in the Self Actualization part. Everyone in Sillicon Valley wants to be a Steve Job (though thinking about it, I'm not even sure if he's happy - he does have cancer after all and that must be tough & taxing).

 

In Asia, at least in my culture, we go by a lot of confucius teaching. There are a lot of honor, sacrifices, and strong family bonding. Looking back to my parents' marriage, a lot of them are sacrifices. Sacrifice for the kids, for me so I can get a better life than them. They put my needs above them.

 

So, there is a desire from my side to pursue Maslow Hierarhy of needs, a pursuit of happiness but there is a value embedded inside my mind to be loyal, to be there during the ups & downs, to not give up.

 

As Heythere said, it's really not black & white. I am emphatic to someone in my position and if there is an affair, I'm definitely a lot more open minded than I was at my 20s. Things are not just simple and I understand why people do certain things.

[Angel1111]

You're right, and the bottom line is that you must do what you think is right for you. I have been through a number of relationships - none of them tolerable in my opinion. So, you're right that there are no guarantees that you'll find a better relationship. For me, I prefer to be alone than be with someone who's unstable and controlling and a number of other things. If I were in your situation, I'm not sure what I'd do really. Because he treats you well and doesn't try to control you, those are big plusses. I've never been with anyone like that, except for my xMM. And I'm not with him for obvious reasons.

 

But I also believe that life is meant to be happy and I don't believe it's all about sacrifice. I do understand sacrificing for your children, to a point. But I don't think it's all about our lives being difficult and miserable. There are some beliefs where they abstain from all things enjoyable, and who think having a tortured mind is the way to enlightenment. I just can't adhere to this kind of thinking. But to each his own.

 

I simply worry about you because of the breakdowns you have. But perhaps if you make peace with this, then you'll no longer go through this. There are so many threads on this issue of sexless marriages and it's tormenting to a lot of people. If you stay, I hope you'll be able to make peace with it.

[cuppa]

You're right, and the bottom line is that you must do what you think is right for you. I have been through a number of relationships - none of them tolerable in my opinion. So, you're right that there are no guarantees that you'll find a better relationship. For me, I prefer to be alone than be with someone who's unstable and controlling and a number of other things. If I were in your situation, I'm not sure what I'd do really. Because he treats you well and doesn't try to control you, those are big plusses. I've never been with anyone like that, except for my xMM. And I'm not with him for obvious reasons.

 

But I also believe that life is meant to be happy and I don't believe it's all about sacrifice. I do understand sacrificing for your children, to a point. But I don't think it's all about our lives being difficult and miserable. There are some beliefs where they abstain from all things enjoyable, and who think having a tortured mind is the way to enlightenment. I just can't adhere to this kind of thinking. But to each his own.

 

I simply worry about you because of the breakdowns you have. But perhaps if you make peace with this, then you'll no longer go through this. There are so many threads on this issue of sexless marriages and it's tormenting to a lot of people. If you stay, I hope you'll be able to make peace with it.

 

yeah, ultimately, it comes down to this. That's what he said last time too, he has his strengths and he has his weaknesses. I want "more" but he might not be able to give it. I need to be able to come to term with it or he's fully supportive on whatever decision I choose.

 

If he isn't a decent, nice man, it would have been easy. If he was abusive and controlling in any ways, I would have walked out long time ago. But he is a really really nice and honorable man, this is what makes it so hard.

[WalkInThePark]

Everything was so perfect last Christmas eve (and I might be fertile too cause I was in mid cycle), but he did the pull & pray method at the last minute. after a few weeks, I asked him why and he said I am way too sensitive on little things like this.

 

Little things like this? That's is NOT a little thing. It is horrible! To start with, this pull method is such an anticlimax and such an intimacybreaker. If on top of that you are supposed to be a couple who is trying to have kids, then it is a cruel way of telling you something that he does not want to tell you in your face. Which makes him a coward. I can imagine that this is really undermining you, especially because this is so indirect. Something's wrong but it's never in the open. No wonder you have meltdowns.

 

You are right to put a deadline. It's still not too late for kids but if this guy is so ambivalent about it and does not want to come forward with his ambivalence, you better leave him and try to find another partner.

[cuppa]

I just came back with some deep discussion with my bestfriend who is on the same boat. Among other things, she talked about talking to lawyer and protecting my assets & all that. She also talked about how her husband finally agrees to do medical check-up and check his T-level this coming Friday. I don't know what happened but when I returned to my house, I couldn't get out of my car. I sat in my car for 30 mins, walked inside the house, and the tears just started rolling.

 

My husband is obviously concerned but I found myself unable to talk and now unable to sleep. I don't even feel energy to give my list to him. I realized that I am still angry that I put myself through therapy and have her mom to drag me from one doctor to another (all along it is her son who refuses to have sex with his own wife and I never said a word abotu this to his family). The least he could do is to do medical check-up as I requested but he doesn't.

 

I don't even feel like giving him ultimatum and deadline.....I hope this sadness will pass and I can follow through with my plan. I feel like maybe I need to switch forum, somethign that deals with trial separation and how to be alone and happy.

[cuppa]

Little things like this? That's is NOT a little thing. It is horrible! To start with, this pull method is such an anticlimax and such an intimacybreaker. If on top of that you are supposed to be a couple who is trying to have kids, then it is a cruel way of telling you something that he does not want to tell you in your face. Which makes him a coward. I can imagine that this is really undermining you, especially because this is so indirect. Something's wrong but it's never in the open. No wonder you have meltdowns.

 

You are right to put a deadline. It's still not too late for kids but if this guy is so ambivalent about it and does not want to come forward with his ambivalence, you better leave him and try to find another partner.

 

I do feel hurt (though I surpressed it and didn't realize it until days later). I asked one friend and she said, no worries, maybe he did it out of habit. I told my bestfriend tonight and she used the same exact word, a coward.

 

I feel quite blue tonight. I guess I need to start preparing on how to be happy and alone. I probably need to start talking to a legal help because our assets are mixed together and all my personal accounts are joint accounts while he has his own account (even the house is not even under my name and he said he's too lazy to add my name to it). I hope I'll be strong enough, I hate if I break apart like last time