Thoughts on lack of jealousy?

[tfkizzle]

Can you articulate here at all what you asked him as far as more effort to show you that youre special to him? What made him annoyed about it?

 

Sure, in no particular order:

 

"I feel like you take me for granted."

 

"When I try to talk to you about my feelings and you invalidate them and get angry it makes me feel like you don't care."

 

"Why do you love me/what's something you like about me?" (I know this is annoying and looking for validation. His response was incredibly generic, commenting on my looks, my loyalty, things like that - things that validate HIM, really.)

 

"I don't feel like I'm special to you, can we talk about why that is?"

 

"Know how every once in awhile I make a special effort to do abc, and how good that makes you feel? I'd really like if you did something like that for me once in awhile."

 

The most recent time I brought this up was specifically about the exes. I know this was a mistake, so no need to point that out....I said, jealousy is when we fear losing something valuable to us. So is it bad you were so incredibly jealous with Name Of Ex GF? Or a good thing because you loved her so much. You have absolutely no jealousy with me. Is that good, because I'm trustworthy, or bad because it's like "meh."

 

Edit: His response to every single one of these openings/approaches was either as I stated in a post above, or else a completely joking, un-serious response.

[threebyfate]

So why do you do special things for him if it's not reciprocated?

[tfkizzle]

So why do you do special things for him if it's not reciprocated?

 

I'm starting to wonder if it's because I have low self esteem. He is certainly confident in himself that he doesn't ahve to do anything special...

 

I'd like to say I do it because I want to make him feel good because i love him, and that's the only reason. Probably I would be lying though.

[threebyfate]

I'm starting to wonder if it's because I have low self esteem. He is certainly confident in himself that he doesn't ahve to do anything special...

 

I'd like to say I do it because I want to make him feel good because i love him, and that's the only reason. Probably I would be lying though.

Then stop doing them, if he doesn't appreciate them enough to reciprocate, instead, invalidating your feelings when you attempt to communicate with him. No wonder you don't feel special to him.

[Goatsbreath]

I definitely do. He is fantastic

 

But, the reason he is so secure is because of how I behave, and because I show him nothing but respect, when he is there, as well as when he is not there.

 

You do know it took work to get there, for him to trust you so much. I'm sure if you lied around every corner and had a shady history he would not be so secure. You are right, you nailed it, "he's so secure because of how I behave." So why not feel immense satisfaction that you were able to establish that with someone?

 

You are over analyzing things. Trust is such a hard thing to build and keep in a relationship, some people never ever get it.....ever! and they stay together!

 

I do know what you are trying to say as to wonder if a lack of jealousy signifies a lack of fear, fear of losing you. Then you wonder is he to comfortable and not appreciating me enough? Jealousy isn't a good gauge to go bye, judge it bye the things that made your relationship special in the first place. Are they still there?

[GiveAndTake]

To the OP, I understand EXACTLY what you are saying.

 

It sounds as if your boyfriend is emotionally idle.

 

Him still loving the ex's. Him not giving a hoot if your ex steals you back.

(by the way, the reason you don't understand how he still loves his ex's is because he doesn't understand what love is when he makes that statement)

 

I don't think he's emotionally invested in this relationship and quite possibly, any relationship.

 

It's possible that in the past, he WAS emotionally invested and got hurt somewhere down the road. Could have been a parent or ex girlfriend or whomever.

 

If he doesn't get in touch with his feelings soon, I predict that you will eventually look elsewhere for some emotional substance.

 

While we'd all love a boyfriend/girlfriend that trusts us completely, if we are truly in love, it's not normal to have no feelings about someone else being interested and/or stealing our boyfriend/girlfriend. It's simply goes against human nature.

[tfkizzle]

You do know it took work to get there, for him to trust you so much. I'm sure if you lied around every corner and had a shady history he would not be so secure. You are right, you nailed it, "he's so secure because of how I behave." So why not feel immense satisfaction that you were able to establish that with someone?

 

You are over analyzing things. Trust is such a hard thing to build and keep in a relationship, some people never ever get it.....ever! and they stay together!

 

I do know what you are trying to say as to wonder if a lack of jealousy signifies a lack of fear, fear of losing you. Then you wonder is he to comfortable and not appreciating me enough? Jealousy isn't a good gauge to go bye, judge it bye the things that made your relationship special in the first place. Are they still there?

I've been in a relationship before where my bf didn't trust me, so I do enjoy and appreciate now being trusted. I don't want him to be insanely jealous and act psychotic, like (sorry to say) a lot of the people here do. I don't want him to start checking my phone and computer because he doesn't trust me. But I do want him to care if I go meet up with an ex, or get hit on by a hot guy or something.

 

I see what you're saying, but that might be part of the problem, is our relationship has always been like this. Our "dating" was very casual.

 

To the OP, I understand EXACTLY what you are saying.

 

It sounds as if your boyfriend is emotionally idle.

 

Him still loving the ex's. Him not giving a hoot if your ex steals you back.

(by the way, the reason you don't understand how he still loves his ex's is because he doesn't understand what love is when he makes that statement)

 

I don't think he's emotionally invested in this relationship and quite possibly, any relationship.

 

It's possible that in the past, he WAS emotionally invested and got hurt somewhere down the road. Could have been a parent or ex girlfriend or whomever.

 

If he doesn't get in touch with his feelings soon, I predict that you will eventually look elsewhere for some emotional substance.

 

While we'd all love a boyfriend/girlfriend that trusts us completely, if we are truly in love, it's not normal to have no feelings about someone else being interested and/or stealing our boyfriend/girlfriend. It's simply goes against human nature.

 

This is exactly what I was trying to get at with my OP, and frankly I was kind of weirded out that no one else got it. I'm definitely open to hearing other opinions, but when it comes right down to it, I don't think that's normal either.

 

Saying that he doesn't seem emotionally invested struck a chord with me.

[stillafool]

tfKizzle I understand what you mean. But, if you are upset with your bf because he didn't get jealous over your ex and his new gf's visit I think you are worrying about nothing. I wouldn't be jealous in that situation either. He knows your ex isn't going to hit on you with his new gf right threre. Also I think he is jealous but doesn't want to show it. The fact that he thought it was your other ex that was trying to get you back tells me he has been thinking...um. The think that throws me is you saying he showed jealousy with his ex...um.

[tfkizzle]

tfKizzle I understand what you mean. But, if you are upset with your bf because he didn't get jealous over your ex and his new gf's visit I think you are worrying about nothing. I wouldn't be jealous in that situation either. He knows your ex isn't going to hit on you with his new gf right threre. Also I think he is jealous but doesn't want to show it. The fact that he thought it was your other ex that was trying to get you back tells me he has been thinking...um. The think that throws me is you saying he showed jealousy with his ex...um.

Ah, I see what you're saying. Good point. I was trying to decipher that situation. When I asked him what he thought his questions, in order were "Name of ex who he at one point thought was trying to get back together with me?", and "Do you want to meet up?" and then when I said I kind of wanted to, he said if you kinda want to, then do it! He didn't know until after I made the plans that the gf was coming too. I ddidn't think it was appropriate to meet him alone for dinner and drinks, it seems too much like a date, so I told my ex to invite her. When I told my bf that he joked about her being a chaperone.

 

When I brought up his jealousy with his ex he totally backpedaled and changed his story. I've heard the story enough times to know what's what with that situation, and it was always consistent; then all of a sudden when I bring it up this time because I have a problem he changed the story to make it seem way less bad and dramatic. So now "he wasn't jealous, she was just shady once in awhile."