Thoughts on lack of jealousy?

[tfkizzle]

I didnt attack you in the least bit, boy you are sensitive. I did suggest how to not take a partner for granted, and if I misinterpreted your question, maybe you can rephrase it. But you took it as being attacked instead of answering the question, I guess jealousy is the only way you work?

 

I do feel as though most of the people in this thread have said "your boyfriend is so wonderful for trusting you, **** you for questioning anything"/"what the hell is wrong with you, jealousy is bad and you're wrong" rather than offering anything insightful.

 

He is a good guy, but that is not why he trusts me. He trusts me because I've earned it, and because I show that I respect him and don't take him for granted by my actions, which includes but is not limited to, talking to him before meeting up with an ex.

 

I'll have to reread your responses, because I don't recall seeing anywhere that you gave an example of how you show appreciation for your girl. Showing appreciation is the same thing as saying you don't take her for granted.

 

I did rephrase the question (though it wasn't my original question) by asking "What reminds you to not take your partner for granted?"

 

If my bf meets up with an ex, or a girl flirts with him and I see it and that reminds me to not take him for granted, I don't think that's a bad thing.

[aerogurl87]

Jealousy equals drama and for some reason alot of women believe that drama is conducive to a fufilling relationship (probably due to romance novels and movies based off the formula of drama making a relationship exciting and great). Well in reality drama makes for the worst relationships. Sure it may be fun at first, and sure you may start to envy your girlfriends that talk about how jealous their boyfriends were because some guy was checking them out. But after some time you'll see that a drama free relationship is the best thing you can get. It comes with minimal headaches and a lower chance of heartache for both parties. I don't think a girl (or guy) could ask for more.

[carhill]

OP, a couple of questions:

 

Do you see 'slight jealousy' as a positive or a negative? Why. I'm talking about for yourself, in your own range of feelings.

 

Do you think it's healthy for you to compete for a man, or for a man to compete for you? Why?

 

IMO, understanding such dynamics helps with compatibility. I've known extremes in both areas which made for compatible relationships, even if I might view them as unhealthy. My viewpoint isn't relevant to the health of their relationship, only to my own.

 

Who do you want your BF to be? Why? Is that a healthy place for you? Some questions to ponder privately.

[tfkizzle]

Jealousy equals drama and for some reason alot of women believe that drama is conducive to a fufilling relationship (probably due to romance novels and movies based off the formula of drama making a relationship exciting and great). Well in reality drama makes for the worst relationships. Sure it may be fun at first, and sure you may start to envy your girlfriends that talk about how jealous their boyfriends were because some guy was checking them out. But after some time you'll see that a drama free relationship is the best thing you can get. It comes with minimal headaches and a lower chance of heartache for both parties. I don't think a girl (or guy) could ask for more.

Well maybe I don't have the same connotations for the word "jealousy" as you all seem to have, because jealousy definitely does not have to equate drama.

 

As an example, let's say I'm at a bar with my bf. He is across the bar talking to whomever; I'm elsewhere in the bar with a girl friend.

 

Scenario #1: An attractive girl approaches my bf and starts flirting with him. I see it and feel the slightest twinge of jealousy - I trust him and am confident in our relationship, but clearly I'm not his only option! I let him enjoy the attention for a few minutes, then I come over and give him a kiss on the cheek or something else to show that he's with me. He feels especially appreciated because he has an attractive girl hitting on him, AND he has me. We go home and I give him an amazing blow job to remind him how great he has it, while at the same time showing him how much I like him.

 

Where is the drama? There was none, but he ends up feeling very desirable, and like a complete stud.

 

Scenario #2: An attractive guy approaches me and starts flirting with me. My bf sees it, and doesn't care, because he trusts me and is secure in our relationship. He turns away and goes back to whatever he was talking about with his buddies. I let the guy flirt with me for a minute, then either try to pawn him off on my girl friend, or find some other excuse to get away. My boyfriend and I go home, brush our teeth, and go to bed.

 

Still no drama, but there's also not much of anything else, is there?

OP, a couple of questions:

 

Do you see 'slight jealousy' as a positive or a negative? Why. I'm talking about for yourself, in your own range of feelings.

 

Do you think it's healthy for you to compete for a man, or for a man to compete for you? Why?

 

IMO, understanding such dynamics helps with compatibility. I've known extremes in both areas which made for compatible relationships, even if I might view them as unhealthy. My viewpoint isn't relevant to the health of their relationship, only to my own.

 

Who do you want your BF to be? Why? Is that a healthy place for you? Some questions to ponder privately.

 

Does my above example help answer any of these questions? I'll think about these a little bit more before responding. It's something to think about.

Edited December 20, 2009 by tfkizzle

[anne1707]

But scenario 1 sounds as if you have to put on a performance both at the bar and in bed to keep your boyfriend. He shouldn't need reminding like that to stay with you. In fact a good relationship is one where you are also perfectly happy to go home, brush your teeth and go to bed.

[carhill]

Since I like answering questions with questions , here's another to ponder. Why do you think it's healthy for your BF to feel the same way you do about relationship dynamics?

 

Lastly, at what depth have you talked about this issue with your BF? I mean beyond actions and into the impetuses for behaviors and the feelings which drive them..... do you sense you're on the same page or have a bridge to build?

[tfkizzle]

But scenario 1 sounds as if you have to put on a performance both at the bar and in bed to keep your boyfriend. He shouldn't need reminding like that to stay with you. In fact a good relationship is one where you are also perfectly happy to go home, brush your teeth and go to bed.

 

It's not a performance, in that I'm not consciously doing XYZ to keep my bf interested in me.

 

I don't see it that way. I see it as showing him appreciation and making him feel good. How is that wrong?

 

Of course I'm perfectly happy going home, brushing my teeth and going to bed. But not every single night. Where is the romance in that?

[Woggle]

Earning a man's trust is one of the highest compliments he can give you. This jealousy that you crave can quickly turn into a prison if it goes on long enough.

[aerogurl87]

But scenario 1 sounds as if you have to put on a performance both at the bar and in bed to keep your boyfriend. He shouldn't need reminding like that to stay with you. In fact a good relationship is one where you are also perfectly happy to go home, brush your teeth and go to bed.

 

 

I agree with anne, in a healthy and good relationship you should be perfectly content with going home together, brushing your teeth, and then going to sleep. By the way, in scenario one I wouldn't be jealous or angry if a girl hit on my boyfriend. In fact I'd be like your boyfriend and not even care. Why? Because I trust my boyfriend and I don't need other people to validate what I already know, which is that I have an awesome boyfriend. Sounds to me like you might be looking for a little validation in your relationship.

[threebyfate]

tfkizzle, refer to carhill's signature about power and control.

 

What you're describing is the feeling of relationship imbalance, where you feel he doesn't value you as much, as you value him. This can be deadly, if it's true.

 

I would take a serious look at your relationship dynamics and ask yourself whether he shows you how much he values you. Let's pretend he does but his way of showing this, is meaningless to you. Net result, he might as well have done nothing, since you can't grasp his methodology. The reverse also holds true.

[tfkizzle]

Earning a man's trust is one of the highest compliments he can give you. This jealousy that you crave can quickly turn into a prison if it goes on long enough.

 

I think it speaks more highly of me than it does of him.

[carhill]

I would take a serious look at your relationship dynamics and ask yourself whether he shows you how much he values you. Let's pretend he does but his way of showing this, is meaningless to you. Net result, he might as well have done nothing, since you can't grasp his methodology. The reverse also holds true.

 

OP, here's your focus. It was a key area where myself and my stbx went astray, in the area of perception of the languages of love and commitment . It was what I alluded to about being on the same page, but much more clearly illustrated.

 

I think it speaks more highly of me than it does of him.

 

This is also an area my questions alluded to. Seeing these dynamics in terms of compatibility rather than who is right and wrong and/or who is better or worse is a path which IME is much more productive to understanding both oneself and the dynamics of the relationship better. Communicate with your partner and listen. Accept

[tfkizzle]

Since I like answering questions with questions , here's another to ponder. Why do you think it's healthy for your BF to feel the same way you do about relationship dynamics?

 

Lastly, at what depth have you talked about this issue with your BF? I mean beyond actions and into the impetuses for behaviors and the feelings which drive them..... do you sense you're on the same page or have a bridge to build?

I'll have to seriously consider that first question. It's a very valid point, and probably something that I should try to keep in mind.

 

I tried talking to him about this, but was about as successful as I have been in this thread:o His response was simply that I should be flattered that he loves me and is with me; that just by being with me he is showing that he values me. He doesn't understand why I don't feel valued, and why I feel taken for granted. I feel that I put much more effort than he does into actively showing him that I don't take him for granted and keeping the romance alive, as opposed to "passively" showing I value him just by remaining in a relationship with him...

 

Can you clarify the last question, the bolded one? I'm not sure I'm clear on what you're asking.

 

I agree with anne, in a healthy and good relationship you should be perfectly content with going home together, brushing your teeth, and then going to sleep. By the way, in scenario one I wouldn't be jealous or angry if a girl hit on my boyfriend. In fact I'd be like your boyfriend and not even care. Why? Because I trust my boyfriend and I don't need other people to validate what I already know, which is that I have an awesome boyfriend. Sounds to me like you might be looking for a little validation in your relationship.

 

Agree to disagree. I think a healthy and good relationship is one in which both partners feel valued. Simply having someone to go home with, brush your teeth with, and go to bed with doesn't mean much. Any two people can have that and not give a **** about each other. Anyone who has that and only that is replaceable. My bf could have that with the girl from scenario #1 LOL! Have you checked out the marriage forum recently?

 

I'm sure you'll understand why you giving your opinion on how you would feel and act in a given scenario doesn't convince me that your reaction is the right, correct one, and mine is wrong.

 

The bolded part is probably an accurate statement, however.

 

tfkizzle, refer to carhill's signature about power and control.

 

What you're describing is the feeling of relationship imbalance, where you feel he doesn't value you as much, as you value him. This can be deadly, if it's true.

 

I would take a serious look at your relationship dynamics and ask yourself whether he shows you how much he values you. Let's pretend he does but his way of showing this, is meaningless to you. Net result, he might as well have done nothing, since you can't grasp his methodology. The reverse also holds true.

This is probably all true. Thanks for the thoughtful response.

Edited December 20, 2009 by tfkizzle

[tfkizzle]

OP, here's your focus. It was a key area where myself and my stbx went astray, in the area of perception of the languages of love and commitment . It was what I alluded to about being on the same page, but much more clearly illustrated.

 

 

 

This is also an area my questions alluded to. Seeing these dynamics in terms of compatibility rather than who is right and wrong and/or who is better or worse is a path which IME is much more productive to understanding both oneself and the dynamics of the relationship better. Communicate with your partner and listen. Accept

Oh, I see what you're saying. This is very helpful! Thank you.

[tfkizzle]

I would take a serious look at your relationship dynamics and ask yourself whether he shows you how much he values you. Let's pretend he does but his way of showing this, is meaningless to you. Net result, he might as well have done nothing, since you can't grasp his methodology. The reverse also holds true.

I'll take some time to think about this, and maybe try to discuss it with my bf again, if I can think of a different way to bring it up. I don't want him to think we're having the same conversation as before because that won't be productive, he'll just get mad and say we already talked about it and it's not fair to imply he doesn't care about me, since he'd do anything for me.

 

I can very easily think of the things that make me feel taken for granted and unappreciated, a couple I mentioned in this thread.

 

Such as, he loves that I'm so respectful, trustworthy and loyal - and he sees that in cases like yesterday, when I asked about meeting up with my ex.

 

He doesn't give me the same consideration in the same scenario. We talked about it, but the most I got after that was a phone call as he's out the door with a cab waiting for him to go meet her: "I'm going to go meet XX, I'll talk to you later....OOOOHhhhhhh - unless you're not comfortable with that?"

 

So like, he takes it for granted that I should trust him because he knows he won't do anything - and I know he won't, but that's not the point...where I feel that by talking to him about the same issue first, I'm showing I value him, because I'm not assuming anything, or taking anything for granted.

 

Gonna have to think awhile to come up with the positive things.

[threebyfate]

tfkizzle, here's a linear approach to the problem, to consider:

1. Clarify what makes you feel valued. For some, it might be through verbal compliments, whether it's about physical beauty, intelligence, core values, etc., or any mix, thereof. For others, it's through actions, like having wild monkey sex, etc. It can also be a combination of the two. But most importantly, clarify.
   
2. Then review whether in the past, he's done any of the above words/actions that make you feel valued.
   
3. Next, review whether he's done things to say or do actions that shows he values you, but they're not what you need. This last, will display mismatches in approach.
   
4. Last, discuss this with him and find out his perception of the entire scenario and also, find out if what you're doing, is satisfying his needs. It appears to be so but there's no one on this god's green earth, who doesn't have insecurities/issues/baggage/needs of some kind or another. Sometimes, people slough off little issues, that irritate them. But if the little issues are repetitive or there are many little issues, they can build into resentment, hence the final dust up/cessation of the relationship.
   

[aerogurl87]

tfkizzle I think the problem and what your trying to really say is that you and your BF have different love languages. You want him to show how he values you through actions (ex. the slight twinge of jealousy) and he feels that everything is fine the way it is now. You want more action and he's happy with just knowing your his and he's yours. Am I right?

 

Well if I am, then you need to tell him this in plain English. No beating around the bush, just be very upfront about it. I had to do this with my boyfriend and although he still doesn't do things most people would find to be "romantic" it works for me. Key example being him going out of his way to find out more about the problems I've been having with my favourite video game and finding ways to help me fix it. To some it may not seem like much, but it means alot to me and makes me happy.

[tfkizzle]

I googled love languages to get a better idea about what some of you are talking about. I don't think that's really my problem? I definitely know my bf loves me, and he actually shows me that the same way I tested on a quiz about it. I tied for 2 and he does both.

 

Maybe whoever commented that the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever was right and that's my problem. I don't know.

 

It just really bugs me that if I say I went to the movies, he's not at all curious who I went with. When guys hit on me and bug me in a bar, he's not at all possessive or protective, like hey, she's with me. He made me feel silly for asking him what he thought of me meeting up with my ex, because he just didn't care, he kept making jokes about it. The only question he asked me about the entire thing was whether I thought my ex's new gf is prettier than me.

 

At one point my bf thought a different ex was trying to get back together with me. I didn't find out my bf thought this until weeks later, because he never mentioned it to me at the time. He never asked me about any of it, he just figured either I'd tell my ex to get lost or I'd break up with him and go back to him. Didn't phase my bf one bit.

 

It's great that my bf is so happy and confident, and I know he loves me, but it would be nice to feel like I'm irreplaceable, like he'd miss me if we broke up.

[boogieboy]

If you want more romance, and want him to do things to make you feel irreplaceable, tell HIM. He probably has his own ways to make you feel better other than jealousy.

 

He doesnt need jealousy to feel irreplaceable, you probably say things that keep him confident that he doesnt need to be jealous. Find out what they are. Plus he knows that jealousy isnt the best way to show that one isnt being taken for granted. Thats the love language. To show romance, you might show actions, he might say words. But you both do what YOU like to the other, not necessarily what THEY like. So you have to talk to him and tell him exactly what you need to feel irreplaceable, and you should also find out how he interprets your actions that make him feel so secure in your relationship.

Edited December 21, 2009 by boogieboy

[threebyfate]

tfkizzle, don't go there, the land of insecurity and ego/pride warring with healthy, positive emotions.

[tfkizzle]

I guess you're right, it is an ego thing. I hate feeling like I'm Jane-Any-Girl, who my bf just happens to be dating because it's convenient, and works out for right now, and because I behave the right way.

 

I'd like to feel like he would fight for our relationship if there was some kind of conflict.

 

He's content doing the same thing every single day, going home together, brushing our teeth, and going to bed together, day in and day out.

 

I seduce him every once in awhile, and I want to be seduced every once in awhile too.

[threebyfate]

I guess you're right, it is an ego thing. I hate feeling like I'm Jane-Any-Girl, who my bf just happens to be dating because it's convenient, and works out for right now, and because I behave the right way.

 

I'd like to feel like he would fight for our relationship if there was some kind of conflict.

 

He's content doing the same thing every single day, going home together, brushing our teeth, and going to bed together, day in and day out.

 

I seduce him every once in awhile, and I want to be seduced every once in awhile too.

If he's meeting all your needs as you've previously claimed, what are the above bolded comments and why haven't you discussed this with him in a calm way?

 

What you're looking for is some effort from him. Not too much to ask for, IMO.

[thegreatmoose]

I seduce him every once in awhile, and I want to be seduced every once in awhile too.

Tell him you want more romance. We generally can't read minds.

[tfkizzle]

If he's meeting all your needs as you've previously claimed, what are the above bolded comments and why haven't you discussed this with him in a calm way?

 

What you're looking for is some effort from him. Not too much to ask for, IMO.

 

I've brought it up a few times lately, in different ways. He always just gets mad or annoyed and says that he loves/cares about me, and would do anything for me, so he finds my question - or however I brought it up - insulting, and couldn't I agree that it's not fair to imply he doesn't care.

 

I do feel loved, though it's more of a comfortable thing, like how you know your mom or brother loves you. We also have a good sex life. He trusts me, I trust him...

 

I'm having a hard time writing down exactly hw I feel. Maybe the problem is that my bf is a more emotionally open and accepting person than I am? What I'm thinking of now is how my bf says he still loves all his ex gfs, and he's in pretty regular contact with all of them. I certainly don't wish my ex's any ill, but I definitely don't love any of them anymore, and I also don't feel the need, or have the desire, to keep in touch with any of them. I have more defined categories for relationships I suppose. If you're a romantic relationship, you're not any other kind. His lines are all very blurred. So maybe he seems fine with everything no matter what, because he thinks he would be in my life in the event of the demise of our relationship? And for me, it would be the end.

 

Maybe I have low self-esteem or something.

 

Maybe I just don't know how to be happy in a relationship htat's so....well, it just IS. It's so laid back. Like I'm his current best friend. There's no work or maintenance that goes into it. There's never any conflict, which would definitely validate, in my mind, that I'm special to him. I don't even have any personal drama or conflict, really, so I don't go to him with problems and for emotional support.

[boogieboy]

Can you articulate here at all what you asked him as far as more effort to show you that youre special to him? What made him annoyed about it?