stampdaddy Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 Maybe I should just leave them alone and let them get on with their lives.? I mean seriously, if she is happy then is it right for me to interfere? cause this ain't the way it goes, EVER.... You can read it in your words (and no offence meant here). But, "oh woe is me, I will leave them be, and let them be happy blah, blah, blah.. " BULL!! It will drive you crazy to think that, it will drive you crazy to think that they are doing OK and rebuilding, while little 'ol you is left all alone, and her hubby, YOUR MM, has lied his way back into harmony with his wife and kissy kissy smooch smooch.... You will then pull your hair out and do something stupid, like answer his call one day and this sh*t will start all over again Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 16, 2009 Author Share Posted December 16, 2009 no, it's not messing with things because she has asked - now you need to deliver. put your big girl panties on and step up to the big girl table! the only reason you would avoid this is to look good to your MM, and with hopes that he won't be so mad at you - then will consider you in the future IF things don't work out in his M. don't leave yourself that option. take your power back and tell the truth. you will never respect yourself if you take the wimpy way out at this juncture and run away silently. since she has asked - this is no longer YOUR choice, you now owe her the respect of having the truth. how could she possibly be happy when she's sitting there wondering why you are avoiding her? wondering when you are going to man up and call? wondering if and when she may get a shred of truth since her gut is making her physically ill and her husband is just willing to make it all worse by lying even further. to leave them alone AFTER you tell her is the right order... after you make the call - you will no longer need to worry about contacting either one of them... i think this is what you are afraid of - he won't contact you after you tell... am i right? She asked questions when she 1st found out but has not asked since and just sent txt today asking me to let him go. I dont know how to answer the txt...it reads.... we have decided to give our marriage another chance, I'm telling you this because I am asking you to let him go so that we have the best chance, he has told me that you have been through a break up so I know you will understand what I'm asking. so how do I answer that without sounding bitter?? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 She asked questions when she 1st found out but has not asked since and just sent txt today asking me to let him go. I dont know how to answer the txt...it reads.... we have decided to give our marriage another chance, I'm telling you this because I am asking you to let him go so that we have the best chance, he has told me that you have been through a break up so I know you will understand what I'm asking. so how do I answer that without sounding bitter?? i would say... i understand and respect your decision. i have made attempts in the past to have no contact with him and it has been futile. if you would like to talk you can call me now. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 I would also add to 2sunnys response that "...and it is imperative that you ask your Husband to NOT contact me either, as that too has been futile in the past.." Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 I would talk tell her everthing if you want him not all woman plan on holding on to their husbands as much as the OW thinks.How can you leave with out proof if I knew for sure I would kick him to the curb,he is not the only one with needs.Some just choose to do it with out cheating.Lets make the man feel special and needed keep building their ego and forget about our feelings We allow to much.Good luck and tell her what she needs to know not what she needs to hear that way you can maybe have him.Good luck dont worry tell it as it is. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 we have decided to give our marriage another chance, I'm telling you this because I am asking you to let him go so that we have the best chance, he has told me that you have been through a break up so I know you will understand what I'm asking. h4u...answer with the truth. You CANNOT couch this any other way. Because you know who will spin it to make you sound crazy...in fact, he already has. so how do I answer that without sounding bitter?? So effin' what? If you are ending this then who effin' cares if they think you are bitter. Stop worrying about what THEY think. Do you honestly believe that you will come out of this not being painted as a "crazy stalker chick"? Of course not. Especially when your MM is lying his azz off to everyone on a daily basis. You will be painted as crazy, bitter OW who just can't let go. Nothing you do can change that. And if you can't change it, don;t worry about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 16, 2009 Author Share Posted December 16, 2009 i would say... i understand and respect your decision. i have made attempts in the past to have no contact with him and it has been futile. if you would like to talk you can call me now. I have had so many replies going through my head like... yeah thats fine I've let him go and I hope you are both happy OK I will let him go just as long as he lets me go as well that's fine, I let him go as soon as he asked me to lie to you so you stayed i will never contact him again, i respect you but ask him to tell you the whole truth. There are so many variations going round my head right now. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 I have had so many replies going through my head like... yeah thats fine I've let him go and I hope you are both happy OK I will let him go just as long as he lets me go as well that's fine, I let him go as soon as he asked me to lie to you so you stayed i will never contact him again, i respect you but ask him to tell you the whole truth. There are so many variations going round my head right now. ALL of which scream that you are looking for a response or a reaction.. Every last one of them.. be honest with yourself please... You are no where near done with this... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 I have had so many replies going through my head like... yeah thats fine I've let him go and I hope you are both happy OK I will let him go just as long as he lets me go as well that's fine, I let him go as soon as he asked me to lie to you so you stayed i will never contact him again, i respect you but ask him to tell you the whole truth. There are so many variations going round my head right now. no to all of these, YOU never show your part in any of these responses. you also never offer the truth (your side) to her. some of these sound bitter. these are all the wimpy way out. this is not ok. it's not fair to her when she asked. she has a right to know at this point and he's never going to give it to her. she should make a decision based on all the facts... not just his side. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 I have had so many replies going through my head like... yeah thats fine I've let him go and I hope you are both happy OK I will let him go just as long as he lets me go as well that's fine, I let him go as soon as he asked me to lie to you so you stayed i will never contact him again, i respect you but ask him to tell you the whole truth. There are so many variations going round my head right now. LOL. Why are you attacking HER? Every single one of these attacks HER and for what? Because HE is fighting to keep her in his life? He is the one lying to you, don't attack her. Don't become the OW that lied to YOU 15 years ago. Life hands all of us challenges and lessons. Don't turn around and become what you probably have hated ever since. If you are mad at him for trying to save his marriage, take it out on HIM not her. She doesn't deserve your anger. HE DOES. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 16, 2009 Author Share Posted December 16, 2009 so right now, after all the advice and kicks;) I feel confident that the RIGHT thing to do is txt xMM W and offer her the truth?? I will ask to meet her and tell her everything to her face?? Not now, not by txt or phone. If I am going to do this I should do it right?? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 so right now, after all the advice and kicks;) I feel confident that the RIGHT thing to do is txt xMM W and offer her the truth?? I will ask to meet her and tell her everything to her face?? Not now, not by txt or phone. If I am going to do this I should do it right?? i would just call. the pain of her seeing you in person might be more than she can handle. just text her to call you... the sooner the better. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 just call, no face to face.. People can get kilt that way.... And like 2suuny said, why put her the even MORE pain and trauma.. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 and think about it - he has now wasted several more precious days of YOUR time and energy over HIS marriage! AGAIN! are you ready to get off this awful ride now? i would think so - the only way to get off is to call! Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 she won't call...... Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 hopeless4u You say you have been a BS.. Do you remember what it is like when the person you love is telling you something that you desperately want to believe but your instincts are screaming something different? The life you have built, the family you have built, up till this point depends on you being able to believe what your spouse is telling you...but your gut is telling you that your spouse is lying to you. It is torture. She will spend hours, days, months, trying to make it all fit and make sense. Trying to balance what your husband is telling her (and what she want to believe) with what her gut is telling her. AND it will never all make sense to her because it is all a lie. It is all a lie that you actively helped perpetuate. If it really is eating you up then you have the opportunity to make it right. Call her. Tell her she can ask any questions and you will answer honestly. I respect what you are saying and your opinion....JMPO based on the experiences I have encountered. I don't think talking to the W will help, the W has already decided to stay or she would have been gone. She already knows her H is a liar or she would not need any confirmation. It is dangerous to communicate with someone who called all night long...both parties did this...this tells me they both have some big problems. Ok...you've got the H who is lying and cheating and not taking resposibility...so the W needs for someone to take responsibility so she goes to H4 for that....wrong, not good, bigtime red flag. I have seen this many times and have personally experienced this "triangle" on both sides of the fence I might add....this is a sick dance between the H and the W...the H cheats, leaves tell tale signs for the W to find....the W turns into the "cop" and polices all of the H whereabouts, actions and such....W catches MM....and so we have the cycle of drama that transpires after the W catches MM....it's a sick game and guess who gets caught in the middle... The H and the W love this game because it adds sick spice to the dull M...they want each others attention and they get it. Sometimes these things become very violent if the level of drama does not reach an appropiate level.... This is between the H and W and gory details could possibly make the situation worse....personally I think the H and W in this case are both control freaks....this is evident by the non stop phone calls....I would get a restraining order on both of them to protect myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 16, 2009 Author Share Posted December 16, 2009 so what, I just txt her and say I will answer her questions?? I feel sick just thinking about it. I am past what xMM thinks of me, I really don't care but I can't help thinking if I say nothing she can just be happy with him. Sometimes ignorance is bliss??? Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 so what, I just txt her and say I will answer her questions?? I feel sick just thinking about it. I am past what xMM thinks of me, I really don't care but I can't help thinking if I say nothing she can just be happy with him. Sometimes ignorance is bliss??? want me to call her??? Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 I have had so many replies going through my head like... yeah thats fine I've let him go and I hope you are both happy OK I will let him go just as long as he lets me go as well that's fine, I let him go as soon as he asked me to lie to you so you stayed i will never contact him again, i respect you but ask him to tell you the whole truth. There are so many variations going round my head right now. How about just: Your H and I have had an emotional and physical affair for X number of years/months that he has asked me to lie to you about. I am sorry for your pain and I don't wish to lie anymore. I will answer any questions you have. It is simple. To the point. No vagueness. No wiggle room. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 so what, I just txt her and say I will answer her questions?? I feel sick just thinking about it. I am past what xMM thinks of me, I really don't care but I can't help thinking if I say nothing she can just be happy with him. Sometimes ignorance is bliss??? oh man, you will never get you power back this way - and she won't either. go ahead, just do it the easy way then. they say to be honest is the way to freedom... evidently you don't value your own freedom. how free do you want to be? evidently not at all. this way you just hand the power over to your MM at this point, he will keep a tight grip on it as long as you never take your power back... good luck with that. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 How about just: Your H and I have had an emotional and physical affair for X number of years/months that he has asked me to lie to you about. I am sorry for your pain and I don't wish to lie anymore. I will answer any questions you have. It is simple. To the point. No vagueness. No wiggle room. I like this. It gives the facts without any emotional aftertaste. The only thing I would change is "lie" to "avoid your inquiries". Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 16, 2009 Author Share Posted December 16, 2009 want me to call her??? Thanks SD, 1st time I've smiled in days:) Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 The H and the W love this game because it adds sick spice to the dull M...they want each others attention and they get it. Sometimes these things become very violent if the level of drama does not reach an appropiate level.... This is between the H and W and gory details could possibly make the situation worse....personally I think the H and W in this case are both control freaks....this is evident by the non stop phone calls....I would get a restraining order on both of them to protect myself. I don't believe that the wife is loving any part of this sick game. According to Hopeless4u.. other than calling a lot the wife has treated her with respect..not calling names, not hurling insults...not assigning excessive blame to hopeless4u. Just asking for information. AND if hopeless4u wanted to stay completely out of it, She SHOULD NOT have lied to the W on the MMs behalf. She. Is. In. It. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 16, 2009 Author Share Posted December 16, 2009 so I've just written the xMM's W a txt saying I'm not sure what he has told you but I have let him go and did a long time ago. I'm sorry I didn't answer you before but if you want me to answer any questions I will. sounds **** when I read it back, think anything I write will though TBH. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 Thanks SD, 1st time I've smiled in days:) awwww youre welcome... Listen, I have been there EXACTLY where you are at... and I DID have to finally field those calls. It was tough, and I answered most of his questions. I did however, need her to answer some as well, and painted the picture enough to where she finally did. But let me advise you of this, it NEVER EVER goes the way we might (right or wrong) hope for. I couldnt believe he would have ever given her another chance, and then another and then another. This was 2 1/2 years ago.... Now yes, they are finally divorcing (he is divorcing her), BUT, she is still there.. and you know what, I am STILL a lie... just be prepared for another 1-2-years or forever of hell with this if you choose this path Link to post Share on other sites
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