My supposed friend

[anne1707]

OK. Just listen to the poster(s) who are saying what you want to hear then.

[curiousnycgirl]

Actually not at all, I choose to listen to the posters who do not make huge leaps based on invalid assumptions.

[doushenka]

Actually not at all, I choose to listen to the posters who do not make huge leaps based on invalid assumptions.

 

I'll stop making connections when I see you being even remotely empathetic. You know, for someone who has been catastrophically injured -- broken legs and pelvis, both at once? -- I find it hard to believe that you can even say this:

 

I'll say it again - she is fortunate that she can stay home and get bored while recuperating, most of us have to work.

 

She's only lucky that her injury won't break the bank. Being housebound bites. Hobbling around on crutches isn't exactly simple, either. Crutches and canes hurt, even when they're padded all to heck. Does she have a wheelchair at her disposal? That might help, or at least help expose whether she's malingering.

 

I mean, I could be crazy here, but if pain is keeping her from getting mobile, maybe she needs help with a solution.

 

Those inputs made me take a serious look at my relationship, question my b/f and when his responses were not good, I ended it.

 

If she's really never meant that much to you, why did you bother listening? Based on your stated actions, it is reasonable to assume you two were fairly close -- or that you were very naive, and I'm sorry if the latter is the case. I'm sorry if she really is that much of a pill, and you were taken for a great big ride. She also ought not to have been smoking when you were fresh off a collapsed lung, and for that I'd very much like to smack her with a wet fish.

 

Whatever she's done, the appropriate response is not to belittle her because she is in pain or otherwise unable to function. Another "been there, done that, lost friends to it" kind of situation. By all means, let her know you're unhappy. Confront her about her seeming inability to support you. Just don't make it all about the circumstance, because crappy people are crappy people whether they're injured or not.

[curiousnycgirl]

Clearly I am being defensive, and equally clearly you are reading the very most negative you can into what I wrote. My statement about her being lucky she can stay home and get bored was a follow up to the fact that she is lucky she does not have to work. That is a simple fact. Yes I had an accident with my horse years ago and was very badly injured (which did not hurt me nearly as much as the fact that my horse had to be put down on the spot), and yes I still had to figure out how to work - clearly not day one of the injury - but within 2 weeks, I had it worked out. She is lucky she does not have that burden. That was not being judgemental that was stating facts.

 

I agree being housebound stinks, I also agree crutches are difficult and painful to use. I've had to use them while going on NYC subways which involves going up and down stairs, trying to stay upright while the train jerks, etc. I understand it stinks - but it is done by far more people than you would know. And yes she does have a wheelchair, although not being able to use that make sense to me because it is very hard (actually I believe impossible) to get a wheel chair in and out of a car without assistance, oh and yes she is able to drive.

 

You also ignore the fact that she was doing this before her injury. Clearly I put up with it, so it's my fault - obviously my latest reactions are due to the fact that right now I'm having my own issues, and gee it would be really nice that if you can't support me, at the very least you could not put more pressure on me. That's ALL I was asking for.

 

I was not asking her to come over. I was not asking her to cook me meals. I was not even asking her to be understanding. I was asking for some space and instead what I got was a whole heck of a lot of guilt trips that she misses me and I need to come over and make her laugh - this after I tried to help, bought her food and everything, and then she yelled at me she didn't want me coming.

 

Oh and let me remind you - I did try to call to discuss everything, she won't answer the phone, or return messages.

 

Sorry you folks can't understand my position - but I really think this thread is over. I'm being defensive (not good) and you guys are really not being fair.

 

So please excuse my rudeness if I stop responding.

Edited December 20, 2009 by curiousnycgirl

[harmfulsweetz]

I wouldn't classify someone who helped me realize what an a$$ I was with just an acquantaince-an acquantaince I wouldn't trust enough/know well enough to listen to.

 

I don't think many posters go through each OP's previous threads in order to decipher what the current thread is all about-sorry, but if the two are related-keep it so, and keep it together-if not, then not. If a tiny bit related, provide the back up info we need to make valuable insights.

 

I think it sounds like she needs you right now, misses you, and you don't want to be there for her, correct? Or no? You want to hide away at her time of need? Fair enough, but people remember things. And it will come back to you.

 

I don't see much wrongdoing on her part, it seems like you are only interested in wallowing in your own pity, to see through it and think of someone else. That's your call, but tell her that. Text her, phone her and say you need some time to get your own head straight etc.

 

One thing: If I only considered someone an acquantaince I wouldn't be so bothered to post a thread about them on a forum, in reality, I think she is a friend, and one you are letting down because you are consumed in yourself. Sorry JMHO.

[Peaceful Guy]

This woman and I became fast friends in the past 6 months. We've shared lots of laughs, hung out together, etc. In fact she's the one who got me to see how poorly my b/f had been treating me - ultimately convinced me to break up with him.

 

well, that sounds good.. but breaking up with your boyfriend was your decision.. don't forget that.

 

She's had some health issues - and at the moment is stuck home trying to recuperate - and is texting me that she misses me, wants me to come over etc. To tell the truth I'm just not in the mood!

 

have you told her that? you guys could both stay at home and text each other funny stuff from tv or the web, or send each other little jokes.. if in person is too much, you can still be there for each other to a lesser extent.

 

I cry at the drop of a pin - most specifically when she and I speak - I spontaneously start crying over my break up. So why do I have to be the one to be there for everyone?! Why can't I just be allowed to hide in my cave?

 

you should be able to be there for her and not discuss your breakup.. being upset about it is okay, shutting off from the rest of the world is not.

 

On top of that she smokes and at the moment that hurts me when I breath. It might be in my head, but it is still there - so why?

 

could yall go out into public? to a place where both the conversation and the air would be lighter?

 

Now she's angry with me because yet again I burst into tears. So she said fine she won't call anymore. You know - I'm sort of ok with that.

 

is she angry, or frustrated?

 

Does this make me a horrible person?

 

no, of course not..

[curiousnycgirl]

Peaceguy - I appreciate your input - but you didn't read all the follow ups. Thanks though.

 

Ok everyone - so she and I spoke last night and it is clear that one of us is on venus and the other is on mars!

 

On 12/6 another friend of ours and I had been talking about what to do on Christmas to keep busy - we were thinking about volunteering at a soup kitchen. However I suggested that we should see if our friend with the broken leg might need our help. So we called her and she said she didn't know what they were doing and would have to check with her husband. She never said another word about it until last night (2 full weeks later).

 

While we were on the phone - she said well the two of you are coming over for christmas right? At first I had forgotten our offer - but I told that I knew our mutual friend had made plans with his family and that I had volunteered at two different places. When she reminded me of our offer I told her that since she never followed up I guess we just assumed she had it covered/didn't want/need us.

 

She was speechless - she didn't tell me she was upset, but I think she was. I am upset too. I made that offer sincerely (and yes folks after my break up despite what you all think of me) - I truly wanted to help her if she needed it to enjoy her holiday.

 

Was I just supposed to sit and wait for her to get back to me? To tell the truth I took her response to be somewhat dismissive - she didn't say wow isn't that nice, I don't know what we're doing, etc. She just said what I typed above.

 

So I thought the ball had been left in her court and she needed to tell me, within a reasonable timeframe if she wanted to take us up on the offer. She took it to mean that I was coming.

 

I haven't even bothered to tell our other friend who offered with me. To be honest he made his plans without checking with me, and I'm not upset with him. He's just making sure he's got something to do!

 

So thoughts?

[Peaceful Guy]

..but you didn't read all the follow ups. Thanks though.

 

well, i wanted to have a fresh take on it. you're welcome though

 

So thoughts?

 

i think you're being dramatic and you already have your mind made up.. try not being right for a change!

[Ariadne]

So thoughts?

 

Sounds like your friend is a pain in the butt.

 

First goes ape because you didn't want to visit her when you were feeling down and wanted to stay home.

 

Then decided not to talk to you again because of that.

 

And now messed up the whole thing like retarded.

 

And of course is angry again.

[anne1707]

Now I am really confused......

 

 

You say jshe is ust an acquaintance who you are getting to know.....

 

Ok where did I indicate that she cared about me? I didn't really get into it at all. I said we hung out together, shared a lot of laughs. I said she is the one who got me to see how poorly my boyfriend was treating me. Sorry but I do not consider that to necessarily be a good friend. That is someone who is still an acquaintance, someone I am getting to know and who is getting to know me.

 

Yet you suggested spending Christmas Day together......

 

On 12/6 another friend of ours and I had been talking about what to do on Christmas to keep busy - we were thinking about volunteering at a soup kitchen. However I suggested that we should see if our friend with the broken leg might need our help. So we called her and she said she didn't know what they were doing and would have to check with her husband. She never said another word about it until last night (2 full weeks later).

 

I think most people would want to spend Christmas Day with friends, not acquaintances. The information you have been providing has been like a dripping tap with one little piece of info at a time yet you criticise posters for not knowing the full facts. As it is, you keep contradicting yourself so who knows what is really going on here. It does feel as if want us to think your so wonderful (nice little touch with the soup kitchen/volunteering ) and how unfair your friend is. Must be very frustrating that you are not getting the support you wanted here.

[curiousnycgirl]

Now I am really confused......

 

You say jshe is ust an acquaintance who you are getting to know.....

 

Yet you suggested spending Christmas Day together......

 

 

I think most people would want to spend Christmas Day with friends, not acquaintances. The information you have been providing has been like a dripping tap with one little piece of info at a time yet you criticise posters for not knowing the full facts. As it is, you keep contradicting yourself so who knows what is really going on here. It does feel as if want us to think your so wonderful (nice little touch with the soup kitchen/volunteering ) and how unfair your friend is. Must be very frustrating that you are not getting the support you wanted here.

 

Did I forget to say we are jewish, so Christmas is not a signfiiant day us? I'm sorry if I forgot. Once again you are right - clearly I am not being clear or fully forthcoming, and frankly I understand your frustration with me. I used to be a much more regular poster here on LS and had become used to people knowing me

 

I don't feel I am contradicting myself - not sure why you would say that - other than your perception of significance of Christmas not being the same as mine. I did not want to spend Christmas day with her, I wanted to help her enjoy her holiday if she needed/wanted that. And offered that to her first, before offering my help elsewhere.

 

My ex is Christian and therefore for the past 5 Christmases I've done what he wanted to do (which was not volunteer) - just like he did what I wanted to on the jewish holidays. Prior to meeting my ex I always either worked or volunteered on Christmas.

 

Truth is it doesn't matter to me if you think I am nice or not. So let's keep the soup kitchen concept out of the discussion, take it off the table. AND let's assume that Christmas IS a significant day for me (which it is not other than I will be missing my ex). Let's make all the assumptions you are making

 

I offered to help her on Christmas (before our disagreements, and before my original post, but after she broke her leg and after my break up) regardless of my motivations - in fact let's even say its because I love her to pieces and want to spend every waking hour with her (and I swear I am NOT being sarcastic here).

 

The question is should I have kept the day open even though she never got back to me? THAT is the quesiton - regardless of all the other questions. Was I wrong to not keep the day open? I am asking what the rules are here.

 

I always thought if you said you would have to check that put the ball in your court. If you didn't get back to the person asking - then you had made alternate plans.

 

I sincerely made the offer to help her because I knew it would tough for her and her house has been decorated for Christmas since Halloween (hundreds of snow globes in addition to all the usual stuff), so I was under the impression that it was an important day for her. I sincerely did not think she wanted me to come, or even that her husband had made alternate plans.

 

So assuming it IS a significant day for me, should I not have made plans once I assumed she did not want my help? And was that a bad assumption?

 

Reaility is that although she did not bring it up again for 2 weeks - I made the alternate committments sooner than that - I believe it was about 5 days ago.

[curiousnycgirl]

well, i wanted to have a fresh take on it. you're welcome though

 

 

 

i think you're being dramatic and you already have your mind made up.. try not being right for a change!

 

Thank you for your input - I see why you are saying that and as I have idnicated before yes my initial post was just me whining, which clearly is when someone's mind is alerady made up.

 

I was venting. Perhaps this belonged in the rants category. However today I posted a question, to which I was looking for input - at the moment beleive that she is hurt, and that had never been my intent. So I am asking if my expectations were wrong here, or were hers?

[curiousnycgirl]

Sounds like your friend is a pain in the butt.

 

First goes ape because you didn't want to visit her when you were feeling down and wanted to stay home.

 

Then decided not to talk to you again because of that.

 

And now messed up the whole thing like retarded.

 

And of course is angry again.

 

Ariadne -

 

I'm fairly certain you knew I was jewish, so this post probably made more sense to you. However I don't believe I said she was angry again - I think she is hurt, and for that I am very sorry (actually I would be sorry if she was angry too).

 

I am really truly asking if I am totally in outer space here. If I am - I will do something to make it up to her. I am perfectly capable of cooking an entire meal at my house, writing up detailed instructions on how to heat it all up and drop it off for her husband. In fact I did that for them on Thanksgiving with leftovers from my house.

[Star Gazer]

CNYCG... I get it, I really do.

 

You have every right to be selfish right now. You do.

 

Just make sure you communicate how you're feeling, so that she understands it isn't about her so much as it is about your needs right now.

 

That said, I do think it would help you to laugh a little... and you seem to do that well when you're with her, yes?

 

Chin up, chica.

[Ariadne]

Ariadne -

 

I'm fairly certain you knew I was jewish, so this post probably made more sense to you. However I don't believe I said she was angry again - I think she is hurt, and for that I am very sorry (actually I would be sorry if she was angry too).

 

I am really truly asking if I am totally in outer space here. If I am - I will do something to make it up to her. I am perfectly capable of cooking an entire meal at my house, writing up detailed instructions on how to heat it all up and drop it off for her husband. In fact I did that for them on Thanksgiving with leftovers from my house.

 

Well, hurt, angry, the same thing.

 

You explained to her what happened. You don't owe anything to her.

 

Why are you going to cook a full meal and drop it at her house and go voluteer when you don't even celebrate Christmas?

 

That is what sounds crazy to me.

 

Tell her you can take her to volunteer with you now.

 

She can give the bread or something sitting on a chair.

[Star Gazer]

I am really truly asking if I am totally in outer space here. If I am - I will do something to make it up to her. I am perfectly capable of cooking an entire meal at my house, writing up detailed instructions on how to heat it all up and drop it off for her husband. In fact I did that for them on Thanksgiving with leftovers from my house.

 

You're NOT in outer space, but I'd do it anyway...and remind her of what you did on Turkey Day.

 

Put yourself first for once, woman! It's really okay, EVEN at this time of year!

 

((HUG))

[curiousnycgirl]

CNYCG... I get it, I really do.

 

You have every right to be selfish right now. You do.

 

Just make sure you communicate how you're feeling, so that she understands it isn't about her so much as it is about your needs right now.

 

That said, I do think it would help you to laugh a little... and you seem to do that well when you're with her, yes?

 

Chin up, chica.

 

Thanks Star -

 

If she would be willing to stop talking about the ex, and/or telling me how to live my life, and just laugh then perhaps I would. But everytime I speak to her she has been reducing me to tears by talking non stop about the ex - or telling me how to live my life. For G-d's sake, I'm not her, I'll do it my way tyvm. Oh and yes I have a job and I have hobbies - and yes I will pursue them.

 

I HAVE been spending time with friends - just not her at the moment. I've been spending time with people who know ME. And support ME. And who know when I say no I can't right now, that I mean I'll come back at you later. And when I do - OMG they actually answer the phone instead of refusing to!

 

I'm hurting and I guess we reach for those closest to us when we hurt - like a baby reaching for their mother. I don't know - but she's just not someone I would turn to at this time.

 

Chin is coming up I promise!

[curiousnycgirl]

Well, hurt, angry, the same thing.

 

You explained to her what happened. You don't owe anything to her.

 

Why are you going to cook a full meal and drop it at her house and go voluteer when you don't even celebrate Christmas?

 

That is what sounds crazy to me.

 

Tell her you can take her to volunteer with you now.

 

She can give the bread or something sitting on a chair.

 

Actually I don't think angry and hurt are the same. With angry I can come back with righteous indignation, with hurt I feel bad.

 

Why would I do that? Because I wanted to help people celebrate their holiday! If her custom had been to volunteer, then she would be more than welcome, but remember she's not leaving the house.

[curiousnycgirl]

You're NOT in outer space, but I'd do it anyway...and remind her of what you did on Turkey Day.

 

Put yourself first for once, woman! It's really okay, EVEN at this time of year!

 

((HUG))

 

Thanks Star - I've made such a mess of this thread everyone seems to think I'm a real selfish b*tch - nice to know that someone thinks otherwise!

 

I'll give her husband a call and arrange it all with him. Once again she is not speaking to me, so I can't arrange it with her. I think he'll accept because as far as I can tell he has no clue how to boil water! I wonder how he lived alone for so long - but that's a different story.

[Ariadne]

Why would I do that? Because I wanted to help people celebrate their holiday! If her custom had been to volunteer, then she would be more than welcome, but remember she's not leaving the house.

 

Not sure why you'd want to cook a meal for someone that is not speaking to you and didn't ask you.

 

But if that is what would make you the happiest that day, and if that is what she wants the most, then it's not a bad thing.

[curiousnycgirl]

Not sure why you'd want to cook a meal for someone that is not speaking to you and didn't ask you.

 

But if that is what would make you the happiest that day, and if that is what she wants the most, then it's not a bad thing.

 

Oh no - it is not what I want to do, however if I overcommitted then I must live up to my committments. And if my failure will ruin their Christmas, I should really try to make it right.

 

But no it will NOT make me happy.

[Ariadne]

Oh no - it is not what I want to do, however if I overcommitted then I must live up to my committments. And if my failure will ruin their Christmas, I should really try to make it right.

 

But no it will NOT make me happy.

 

If you cook this meal then you are not being true to yourself and it will make you miserable and resent her.

[curiousnycgirl]

If you cook this meal then you are not being true to yourself and it will make you miserable and resent her.

 

Yup pretty much, but as many of you who know me already know - I am able to swallow those feelings better than the average bear.

 

Oh the tangled web I wove!

[Star Gazer]

Thanks Star - I've made such a mess of this thread everyone seems to think I'm a real selfish b*tch - nice to know that someone thinks otherwise!

 

Far from it, girlie!

 

If anything, I think you've been too nice over the years. In fact, I think you've allowed yourself to be walked on for so long that now that you're finally asserting yourself and fighting back, perhaps you're going a tad bit overboard...or at least just not articulating yourself well. But *I* do know YOU (at least as you've posted here over the years), and I know you're not a selfish b*tch, although you DO deserve to be one now and again.

 

This is a new friendship, not one that's survived the test of time and/or warrants you getting this upset.

[curiousnycgirl]

Far from it, girlie!

 

If anything, I think you've been too nice over the years. In fact, I think you've allowed yourself to be walked on for so long that now that you're finally asserting yourself and fighting back, perhaps you're going a tad bit overboard...or at least just not articulating yourself well. But *I* do know YOU (at least as you've posted here over the years), and I know you're not a selfish b*tch, although you DO deserve to be one now and again.

 

Thanks!:bunny:

 

This is a new friendship, not one that's survived the test of time and/or warrants you getting this upset.

 

The last bit above is well said - probably what I was trying to say with my snarky/defensive comments earlier. Not to trivialize anything, but what you say is true.