How can I bring my wife home for Christmas?

[Cranialrupture]

Beach, I feel for you, I truely do. You have a long road ahead of you. The pain unfortunately will not go away soon. You will have good days and bad. Your going on one hell of a rollercoaster ride. It wouldn't be fair to you to say it will get better soon. It won't. It will get harder, your emotions are going to beat the **** out of you over and over again. But you will have to go through it either now or later. Me, I would choose to get it done now instead of wait longer and still have to go through it.

 

I don't know if your religous or not, even if your not the advice is sound. "I never said it would be easy, I said it would be worth it" - God

 

I look back on what I personally went through and I do not want to go through it again. It is a giant black spot on my past, but at the same time I am thankful for it.

 

Your going to get through it eventually, how fast is up to you.

 

Heres some things that will help you.

-excercise daily. aerobic in the morning, puts oxygen into your blood and releases endorphines which are natural anti depressants. anerobic, removes oxygen from your blood and can help you sleep better.

-eat healthy, junk foods and alcohol are natural depressants and give you no energy, they will just make things worse. When your down and out an easy way to tell if your eating ok, is to look at your plate and make sure you have atleast 4 colors on it.

-try eating something you have never eaten before atleast once a week

-a good multivitamin. I personally use a mens health vitamen from GNC instead of centrum because your body has a real hard time breaking down the centrum, but its better than nothing

-omega 3 fish oil supplements help for energy also

-get back into an old hobby you have abandoned or find a new one

-put more enegy into your career

-do things YOU like

-pamper yourself, be a little selfish

-change up your wardrobe a little

-new hairstyle

-sometimes even little things like new pillows, sheets or comforter can help you sleep better

-reconnect with old friends

-stay out of a new relationship!!!! Rebound relationships just set you back

-but at the same time, interact with the opposite sex. Not to get into another relationship, but to help restore some of your confidence. You will begin to see your current W is not the only 'one' for you.

-Only YOU can make YOU happy.

-Go NC NOW!!, do not wait. You don't need to give her the cold shoulder but I can guarantee you that if you talk to her about the relationship or your feelings or her feelings, its going to make things worse. NC is going to be like trying to push a knife slowly through your own heart. Every part of you is going to be screaming out to talk to her, but NC is the first vital step to achieve either reconciliation or acceptance and being able to move forward.

 

Sorry for the long reply, meant to keep it short, but I have a tendancy to ramble. I am glad you don't want to be a doormat anymore, but its going to take work and practice. Keep posting here, you have a long road ahead of you but here at LS you will find some great people to help you along the way.

[beachbum1974]

Cranialrupture,

 

Thank you so much for your detailed reply. This is a very difficult process, that I know you've experienced all too well. Yesterday was the first day in 13 years that I did not utter a word or text to my W. I did not receive any communication either.

 

Today I received a telephone call from my W, but ignored the call. She sent a text about an hour later informing me that she saw a friend of mine while driving. About an hour after, I received a text asking me if I was alright. I responded, "Yes." A short time later she sent me another text about something funny she saw on her way home from work. I did not respond. - Should I totally ignore the calls and texts or briefly respond?

 

I went to our marriage counseling today alone. My counselor told me to do exactly as you have. Excercise, find constructive things to do, and begin to detach myself from the relationship. I told her I'm angry at myself for allowing someone to walk all over me. She thinks my W will think back some day and totally regret what she left behind.

 

As for my health, I have lost 25 pounds since the beginning of it all. I haven't seen my abs since college, but they are a good sight for sore eyes. Hopefully I get my appetite back soon. Tomorrow, I will begin my cardio routine again. I'll start with two miles and hopefully get my old running legs back under me soon. I do take a fish oil Omega 3 called Lovaza daily to help lower my triglycerides.

 

Tonight I am going out to a local pub with about ten friends. I'm not going to drown in my sorrows, but I want to hang out and get my mind off things for a short period of time.

 

I honestly never thought I would feel this deep of a depression in my life. I've heard of people who were depressed and never understood it. I've heard of people taking their own lives and could never understand how someone could feel so badly. I now have a basic understanding of how they must have felt. I can almost simpathize with them for not wanting to go through the pain and suffering. I guess you never know what it's like until you've experienced it first hand. I am religious and try to keep God close to me as I travel down this long dark road. I see no light at the end of road, but I'm going to continue to walk blindly down the path.

 

Cranialrupture, I appreciate all the information and assistance you have provided me. I live a rather private life and don't want many people to know what I am experiencing. It's nice to know there are people out there who have not only experienced something like this, but are willing to share what they have learned from their journey. I will keep the updates coming. Thanks again!

[mem11363]

Why would you do half the housework when you work 50 hours and she works 30?

 

I believe she was angry that you had that split - but angry at the situation not angry at you.

 

What you are doing now - a much harder/higher paying job and all the housework is beta/submissive behavior and will further kill her sexual desire for you. The stuff that is missing is sexual desire - and you cannot increase that by becoming the housemaid.

 

The solution back then - and now is not for you to become the maid/servant. Women don't sleep with the help. The answer was to hire someone if she really disliked it and to do enough she didn't feel resentful.

 

 

Last night I received several text messages and decided to call her instead. We went round and round about her feelings. I decided to drive over to the condo where she is staying. She opened the door, greeted me with a big hug and thanked me for coming. We slept side by side but no sexual contact. I woke up in the morning and she walked me out, again thanking me for stopping over.

 

Today I contacted her and she invited me over to the condo for dinner. When I arrived, we spoke about the relationship again. At first, everthing was fine. We spoke about our situation and she told me she really missed me. The conversation spun when she asked, "What happens if I never get to the point where I want to come home?" I told her I did not understand how she could give up on us. She told me she loves me and that I'm her best friend. I just don't understand this mindset.

 

After we spoke negatively about her feelings, I gave her a back massage and we talked more calmly about the situation. My wife told me that she carried our marriage for so long. She told me she did the house work and I pretended my job was more important because I made more money. She told me that she noticed I have made a 180 degree change in my attitude and work ethic around the home. I now do all of the house work and have been for the past two months. My wife told me she is mad that I did not make these changes two or three years ago. I understand my shortcomings and I honestly have made a concious effort to change for the better and be a more compassionate partner. I never believed my job was more important but I was working 50 hours a week to my wife 30 hours a week.

 

I told her that I understood how she felt after she explained everything. She withdrew emotionally and physically because she was maintaining the marriage and I was absent. I have learned from my mistakes. I just hope it's not too late.

 

As for another man, I had explored that completely. I had her followed, checked e-mail, facebook and phone records. Nothing indicates an affair of any kind.

 

I will refrain from any contact until our trip to NYC on Friday. She told me again tonight as I was leaving that she is looking forward to the trip. My wife also mentioned we have a family Christmas party to attend on Saturday night. I feel like her emotions go from one extreme to the other in a matter of minutes and it leaves me so confused. In any event, thank you all again. I will keep you updated on my situation as I continue to pray for the return of my wife.

[broken hearted]

Beachbum, where in Vermont are you headed to and when? I live in VT.

 

I'm so so so sorry you are going through this. Everyone is right, the NC thing and her seeing you move on is what will work...unfortunately, I did not listen to this advice and did exactly as you are. All of my efforts resulted in a divorce that will be final in a couple months.

 

I wish I could tell you that the pain will get better and ease shortly but from what I've experienced, it won't subside for quite some time. My stbxh left Jan. 31st, nearly a year ago, and I am still struggling daily.

[Cranialrupture]

Cranialrupture,

 

Thank you so much for your detailed reply. This is a very difficult process, that I know you've experienced all too well. Yesterday was the first day in 13 years that I did not utter a word or text to my W. I did not receive any communication either.

 

Today I received a telephone call from my W, but ignored the call. She sent a text about an hour later informing me that she saw a friend of mine while driving. About an hour after, I received a text asking me if I was alright. I responded, "Yes." A short time later she sent me another text about something funny she saw on her way home from work. I did not respond. - Should I totally ignore the calls and texts or briefly respond?

 

I went to our marriage counseling today alone. My counselor told me to do exactly as you have. Excercise, find constructive things to do, and begin to detach myself from the relationship. I told her I'm angry at myself for allowing someone to walk all over me. She thinks my W will think back some day and totally regret what she left behind.

 

As for my health, I have lost 25 pounds since the beginning of it all. I haven't seen my abs since college, but they are a good sight for sore eyes. Hopefully I get my appetite back soon. Tomorrow, I will begin my cardio routine again. I'll start with two miles and hopefully get my old running legs back under me soon. I do take a fish oil Omega 3 called Lovaza daily to help lower my triglycerides.

 

Tonight I am going out to a local pub with about ten friends. I'm not going to drown in my sorrows, but I want to hang out and get my mind off things for a short period of time.

 

I honestly never thought I would feel this deep of a depression in my life. I've heard of people who were depressed and never understood it. I've heard of people taking their own lives and could never understand how someone could feel so badly. I now have a basic understanding of how they must have felt. I can almost simpathize with them for not wanting to go through the pain and suffering. I guess you never know what it's like until you've experienced it first hand. I am religious and try to keep God close to me as I travel down this long dark road. I see no light at the end of road, but I'm going to continue to walk blindly down the path.

 

Cranialrupture, I appreciate all the information and assistance you have provided me. I live a rather private life and don't want many people to know what I am experiencing. It's nice to know there are people out there who have not only experienced something like this, but are willing to share what they have learned from their journey. I will keep the updates coming. Thanks again!

 

Keep up the good work. I know its hard. Do not give up. Going out to a pub with friends is good, just don't get drunk because you might have more of a tendency to call or text your wife, thus breaking your NC. The way your going about your NC is good. A very rare and occasional 1-2 word answer I think is ok. It will make it so she doesn't think your giving her the cold shoulder but will also make it so you don't have to talk about the relationship and open up the wounds again. The not eating part is not so good. You have to eat. I had the same problem at first and I found that trying new foods helped me to be able to eat more regularly because your body is not used to them. Your mind will also associate old eating habits with your ex. Hence new foods = no association to the ex, and subconsiously makes it easier to eat. Keep up the good work and hang in there, it will get better.

[beachbum1974]

Hey guys,

 

I just returned from the pub. I had a few, but not too many. Sitting alone is the hardest part of this all. I sit here and wonder what she is doing and thinking. I've still had no real contact since Sunday evening. My house is quiet and even my boxer seems a little depressed by it all. If I told you my eyes weren't filled with tears right now, I would be a liar. I miss her.

 

Broken hearted, I will be traveling to VT Jan 7, 8, 9 and 10th. We are renting a home close to Killington and Pico. I believe there are about ten of us going this year. It's usually a really fun trip. Hopefully by that time I will be in a better place than I am now.

 

Cranialrupture, I will start my cardio program tomorrow evening. I will try to eat different foods also. I never thought I would associate food with my W, but it makes sense. This is tough bro. Thanks again.

 

I'm going to continue the no contact because I believe it is the only strategy that may work. I really don't have too many choices at this point. I appreciate all the support. It means a lot to come home and read your replies. I'm off to bed. At least when I'm sleeping I don't feel so bad. Thanks again guys.

[JaneDoe35]

Hey BB74,

 

No contact is the only way to go in my opinion. I recently broke NC after 25 days. The NC was initiated completely by myself. After I broke it I learnt that it had driven my husband crazy and into quite a deep depression. I did it for myself but the impact on him was a bonus. Sounds mean but he has treated me very badly to say the least.

 

Now I am not saying my husband is ready to come home or that I am even ready to have him.....but I have seen signs of the man he used to be. True regret coming through. I am so sorry, I love you, What have I done? How did I do this to you? Bought me a lovely B'day pres, etc etc. I have just implemented NC again after only 2 days off it as I am still not ready to be able to communicate with him normally. Hurts too much. He has begged me not to do this to him again but off I go on NC again!!!

 

 

NC was/is very difficult, extremely painful, but way better than all the interaction we were having before. Try it if you can, don't break it early like I did if you can help it!!!

 

I know how you feel BB, we all do. It feels like hell. Whoever knew that there was pain like this? One hour at a time and then maybe one day at a time. It's all you can do. You will get incredible support on LoveShack.

 

Good luck.

 

JD

[beachbum1974]

I appreciate the reply JaneDoe35.

 

Today, after two days of NC, my W sent me a text asking if we could meet tonight and talk. I agreed. When I came home, she was already here packing photo albums. She told me she was finished and wanted a divorce. I was crushed. She showed absolutely no emotion whatsoever. No tears. At first, I told her I understood her decision and tried to stay strong. I broke down during the discussion because I just do not understand how we got here. My W said she was sure of her decision and wanted to move on. She only moved out Nov 27th. How can someone make a decision on a thirteen year relationship just like that? I asked her to slow down and give it some more time before she made such a final decision. She agreed to take some more time to re-evaluate her feelings but was not confident she would change her mind. She said she could nto give me a guarantee she would have a change of heart. How can she do this to me ten days before Christmas? Could she just be pissed about the NC for the past two days? Do I continue with the NC? If she calls or texts me should I respond? This is the worst night of my life.

[Gunny376]

I've been a student of WAS (Walk Away Spouses) for over twenty years ~ and there's only on thing and one thing that works (and even then its not assured)

 

DefCon4 ~ mutual alienation.

 

OK! Your going to walk? Its going to cost you! Its not going to be fun, and its not going to be pretty. As a matter of fact? Its going to be down right painful.

 

Ref: LadyJane14 and Wolfe

 

The only two I've ever seen save their marriages?

[Cranialrupture]

I appreciate the reply JaneDoe35.

 

Today, after two days of NC, my W sent me a text asking if we could meet tonight and talk. I agreed. When I came home, she was already here packing photo albums. She told me she was finished and wanted a divorce. I was crushed. She showed absolutely no emotion whatsoever. No tears. At first, I told her I understood her decision and tried to stay strong. I broke down during the discussion because I just do not understand how we got here. My W said she was sure of her decision and wanted to move on. She only moved out Nov 27th. How can someone make a decision on a thirteen year relationship just like that? I asked her to slow down and give it some more time before she made such a final decision. She agreed to take some more time to re-evaluate her feelings but was not confident she would change her mind. She said she could nto give me a guarantee she would have a change of heart. How can she do this to me ten days before Christmas? Could she just be pissed about the NC for the past two days? Do I continue with the NC? If she calls or texts me should I respond? This is the worst night of my life.

 

BB, It's hard to see it from the outside when you are trapped on the inside with all the lights turned out, but everyone else here saw it coming. You not seeing it is not surprising. She did not decide about the divorce because of the NC. It was already coming. I am going to predict a little more for your future. I could be wrong but the odds are pretty dam high that I am right. You will most likely become a piece of **** in her eyes pretty soon. You will most likely get the "your a good person" or "its not you its me" or "thank you for everything you have done" lines first, but then she will try to justify her actions as her guilt sets in. Most walk aways do this by painting you in a bad light, because its easier to throw out an ugly flower arrangement thats dead than it is a thriving beautiful plant. So she will try and make you into the ugly dead plant to justify her actions. And your actions will most likely have no effect on her.

 

I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so. I mentioned that all that wineing and dineing would have absolutely no effect. To save your money and energy for yourself. I am not saying she will never pull her head out of her a$$ but its going to be a long while before she does. And it very well may be you that says, cya in the future when she wants back. I know very very well that scenario. It just happened the other night to me. She wants back and I said NO. In the beginning I got the whole, give me time scenario, then the 'we're finished and she was 100% for sure with never coming back' (I actually got that one a few times). I went from being a good person and a good dad right at the very beginning to becoming a bigger piece of **** as each day went by and a horrible dad and I wasn't even doing anything. I wasn't even talking to her or anybody about our relationship. It just happens that way. NC means NC, not NC when you feel like it. You broke NC and now your wounds just got ripped open brand new and fresh and you just lost the past two days of advancement.

 

Add this to your list, get her stuff out asap. You don't need to do it in a mean fashion, just politely get her stuff out, eliminate everything you can out of the house so as to eliminate as many reasons for her wanting to stop by. This was a huge mistake I made. I waited far to long to get my x's stuff out. I look back now and all it was, was trying to desperately hang on to whatever I had from the marriage. It was wrong and just hurt me worse and slowed my healing down alot. I gave her well over 75% of the stuff from the house. Why? because I didn't want it for the items, I only wanted the stuff because of my insecurities and desperation to hang on to whatever I could. So I gave most of it to her. That hit my x like a ton of bricks. Then finding out I had drawn up papers and that I was the one that wanted the divorce, in conjunction with her starting to miss me and all her justifications starting to be not as effective she wanted. She's now in the downward spiral and I am at the top with a full deck of cards to play.

 

Anyways I am rambling because I am so tired and thats what I do best, is ramble. Go back NC!!!, stay that way. ITS YOU TIME NOW. GET OUT THERE AND ENJOY YOURSELF. Theres nothing you can do to change her mind or to help her see the light. It is something she will have to do on her own.

[beachbum1974]

Cranialrupture,

 

Hey brother, your right on. Last night she gave me the, "You are such a great person, I love you so much that I have to let you go because I can't give you what you deserve." She has also made the statement, "This has nothing to do with you. It's me." She also said, "You have made me a better person." I honestly believe there is another guy in the picture. There was absolutely no reason to do this ten days before Christmas. She denies having any type of emotional or physical affair with anyone. I believe, based on the telephone bill that she has been involved with a guy from work. I reinstated the NC as of last night.

 

Last night as my W was leaving she said she would re-evaluate things, read the book I gave her (We Can Work It Out), and let me know. I am not hopeful of the outcome.

 

If she definitely wants the divorce, I want her to take everything out of the house that reminds me of her. It's going to be hard because we accumulated a lot of personal things together in 13 years.

 

I know I've said this before, but this is the most depressing time in my life. And even more depressing, Christmas is just around the corner. I've been told by almost everyone that she will regret this decision one day and come running back. How can someone just break your heart like this and act like nothing has happened. I honestly feel like I deserve so much better. I hope I can show her to the door like you did CR. Thanks again.

[beachbum1974]

Just and update.

 

I received a text message at 1:25 a.m. this morning from my W which reads, "I love you. I talked to my mom today 4 a long time. I'm taking his time 2 think and pray about everything. I'm doing this for us. I am trying...more then you know."

 

I have not responded and have no plans to do so, not out of spite or anger, but because I think it's the best thing I can do right now.

[nobmagnet]

stay strong. Keep NC. She had a conversation with her mum and probably got the " what the hell are you doing??" speach. It would have hurt her because all children want to please their parents and she has upset her mum.

 

Concentrate on you. Try to get out with your buddies keep busy, do stuff you enjoy.

 

My lowley worm blows hot and cold all the damn time but I try to ignore it. My outcome wont change. I dont want him back. I am not sure he understands that yet!

 

Crainialrupture is a true insiration.

[sumdude]

Cranialrupture,

 

Hey brother, your right on. Last night she gave me the, "You are such a great person, I love you so much that I have to let you go because I can't give you what you deserve." She has also made the statement, "This has nothing to do with you. It's me." She also said, "You have made me a better person." I honestly believe there is another guy in the picture. There was absolutely no reason to do this ten days before Christmas. She denies having any type of emotional or physical affair with anyone. I believe, based on the telephone bill that she has been involved with a guy from work. I reinstated the NC as of last night.

 

Last night as my W was leaving she said she would re-evaluate things, read the book I gave her (We Can Work It Out), and let me know. I am not hopeful of the outcome.

 

 

I feel for you man, sorry things are going this way. It never ceases to amaze me how these plots almost always play out. I swear half the women in the world must have this script biologically programmed in their DNA.

 

Find the people in your life you really do trust and lean on them, you will need them especially this time of year. Whatever you do leave her family and friends out of it, don't even think of talking to them in depth about what's happening. If they contact you just be a bit aloof and start moving on as much as you can.

[beachbum1974]

Nobmagnet,

 

I am keeping the NC at this point, and plan to struggle to keep it going. Are you a WAW or the victim? Thanks for the advice. I'm trying.

 

Sumdude,

 

Thanks for the advice. I'm going to keep her family out of this as much as I can. I'm trying to keep friends close but its tough this time of year. I really don't want to bring anyone else down or ruin a holiday such as Christmas for any of my friends or family.

[beachbum1974]

I haven't heard from my wife since the text message I received on Thursday night. I have not attempted to make any contact. I was thinking about calling her mom to see if she could give me some insight on what to do here. According to my W, she spoke with her mom on Thursday for what my wife texted was "a long time." I just want to know what to do. Apparently my W was out all weekend and never came back to the condo where she has been staying.

 

This depression has a firm grip on me. It controls me, overhelms me and I don't see an end in sight. Every song on the radio is a Christmas song about winter wonderlands, chestnuts roasting over open fires and white christmases. This is either going to kill me or make me invincible. I appreciate all the support you guys have given me in this forum. I need it more than you may know.

[Cranialrupture]

So sorry you are going through this. I know all to well that depression you are talking about. Its overwhelming. Please do not do anything stupid. There is light out there. That is something you are just going to put some faith into because I know you cannot see it yet, and you may not for some time but it is none the less out there.

 

Force yourself to do the things to help improve you. Your mind and body may not be wanting to, but do it anyways. Do not bury your emotions. Face them and let it out. Its ok to beat the **** out of a pillow. I bought a punching bag, because I could release my anger safely and get excercise. =) Find upbeat music. Stay busy and hang in there. You will get through it happier than you probably ever where, or atleast have been in a long time.

[Fitness Dude]

BB, I'm pretty much in the same boat as you, but maybe a few weeks ahead of you in the "schedule". I can tell you that it does get better but it took going through some serious &^%$ to get here.

 

I feel better about a lot of it. I'm still VERY sensitive to it, but I've been able to keep my mind off of it much better than before.

 

Hang in there man, I promise it gets better. I promise you!

[beachbum1974]

I let myself down tonight. My W sent me a text stating she wanted to come over and use the scanner for the computer so she could do something for work. I never responded and departed the house prior to her arrival. I went to the local pub and drank a few pints. Her next text was, "Did you get my last text?" I can't be an a##hole....just can't do it. I sent her a text back, "no problem, there's a beef stew I made in the fridge if your hungry." She sent another text back asking if I was coming home because she wasn't going to be at the house long. I did not come home, but we communicated via text until I made "the call."

 

I called her and we talked about everything. Pretty civil conversation, no arguing at all. She said she missed me and was trying to figure things out. She asked if she could go to the marriage counselor by herself for the next session. I told her I thought it was a good idea.

 

I don't know why I called. I just did. I feel like I took a giant step backwards. She said she would be calling in the next few days. When she calls, am I supposed to just ignore it? I know CR said no contact means no contact but, what if they contact you? Still no contact? I'll be beating myself up over this for a while. I appreciate the replies fitness and CR. I'm hoping this gets better. I'm actually hoping this gets better and I can make a decision about what I want and not what my heart wants. Thanks again guys. Sorry I didn't follow your advice CR. I tried and will continue to do so in the future.

[Cranialrupture]

I let myself down tonight. My W sent me a text stating she wanted to come over and use the scanner for the computer so she could do something for work. I never responded and departed the house prior to her arrival. I went to the local pub and drank a few pints. Her next text was, "Did you get my last text?" I can't be an a##hole....just can't do it. I sent her a text back, "no problem, there's a beef stew I made in the fridge if your hungry." She sent another text back asking if I was coming home because she wasn't going to be at the house long. I did not come home, but we communicated via text until I made "the call."

 

I called her and we talked about everything. Pretty civil conversation, no arguing at all. She said she missed me and was trying to figure things out. She asked if she could go to the marriage counselor by herself for the next session. I told her I thought it was a good idea.

 

I don't know why I called. I just did. I feel like I took a giant step backwards. She said she would be calling in the next few days. When she calls, am I supposed to just ignore it? I know CR said no contact means no contact but, what if they contact you? Still no contact? I'll be beating myself up over this for a while. I appreciate the replies fitness and CR. I'm hoping this gets better. I'm actually hoping this gets better and I can make a decision about what I want and not what my heart wants. Thanks again guys. Sorry I didn't follow your advice CR. I tried and will continue to do so in the future.

 

First off, no you don't need to be an ***hole. The idea behind NC is to give yourself space and healing. You can't heal when your wounds keep getting re opened. It's like getting stitches then all you do is pull them back out, put em back in, pull em back out, etc. You still are going to have to heal. When you do, is completely up to you. She isn't giving a rat's a$$ about you, so there's no reason to go on kissing her a$$. So if you feel like you have to answer, make it on your terms, not hers. She made this bed, she has to sleep in it now, not you. If she wants to borrow something and your ok with it, then fine let her borrow it, but do so on your terms not hers.

 

The conversation should of been, her - "can I come over and borrow the scanner ","did you get my last text?".

 

you - "Yes, I did and yes you can borrow the scanner on _____ "(fill in the blank when its convienient for YOU, not her) then end conversation. I personally would of stayed NC. But that's up to you. Just saying, if you feel like you have to respond then do so in a very short concise way and in no terms talk about the relationship. Just simply state "I don't want to talk about that right now.

 

Calling her and talking about everything as you already stated did absolutely nothing but make you feel like you took a giant step backwards and hurt you again.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it, please. It takes practice, atleast it did for me. With time and practice, NC will come more easily. Hang in there, she will continue to contact you about things because she is trying to justify her actions. So be expecting it. Good luck with it, keep us up to date and keep moving forward. You may not see it yet but you are already making progress.

[beachbum1974]

Update:

 

First of all, I feel like I'm making a mess of things.

 

Dec 21

 

I again broke the NC and spoke with my wife on the phone. I asked her if she wanted to grab some dinner. She agreed. We ate sushi and talked in general. The topic of the marriage came up at the end of dinner. My W said she feels the same way she did the week before...meaning the week she asked for the divorce. We talked a bit and left. Went shopping and hung out like old times. We even laughed a few times. I asked her if she forgot about our current situation while we were hanging out, if not just for a second. She said yes. I dropped her off and went home.

 

Dec 22

 

Today my W called me in the morning. She said she thought a lot about what we had said the night before about the marriage. She told me she feels like she enjoys the freedom to come and go as she pleases and not answer to anyone. She told me the lonliness sucks, but she is ok. She again reiterated that she feels the same way she has about the marriage and that she will continue to think things through.

 

She had a marriage counseling session scheduled for the afternoon (one on one) but was running about 30 min late so she asked if I could fill in for the first half hour. I talked to the MC and when my W arrived I departed.

 

My W asked me to stop by her condo and have dinner with her. We watched a movie and hung out. As soon as I left, I received a text stating, "Thank you for coming over. I had a nice time."

 

The MC called me tonight and told me her session with my W went really well. She said she believes my W is confused. She told me my W likes the changes she has seen in me.

 

Dec 23

 

I received text from my W telling me she was coming over to wrap Christmas gifts. I later received call from her asking if I could pick up wrapping paper and boxes and go to her condo to wrap gifts there. I picked up the items she asked and drove the the apartment. She asked me to go to her family's house for Christmas, but told me she still feels the same way and did not want to give me false hope. She told me she told the MC she felt as if she was "done." I told her that it would be too difficult to go to her family's house for Christmas and declined the offer. We spoke about the marriage and she told me she would continue to think things through, but she has not had any time to work on herself. My W said she is very happy with the "changes" she has seen in me. She told me I am the guy she married five years ago, but she doesn't know if she wants the marriage anymore. She told me she is going out with friends for Christmas Eve. Unknown where she is going, or with who.

 

I think one of my issues is her girlfriends husband recently left her for an unknown reason. My W is confiding and receiving advice from this friend, who has only known my W for about a year (and does not know me).

 

I am going to try again at the NC thing. It's difficult with the holidays. I think after the holidays are over, the NC will be easier.

 

CR, I do need more practice at dealing with the NC. I am trying!! I just feel as if every day that passes, she becomes more comfortable without me....and it sucks. I'll keep you guys posted with any new updates. Sorry so long and thanks for reading.

[Gunny376]

Take a fools advice and go NC. If anyone initates contact, it should be her. But if and when she does initiate contact ~ don't be so quick to just pick up the phone just because you see her on caller ID. Call her back after you've gained control of your emotions and you've got your stomach out of your throat.

 

Quit asking about the marriage. Quit using freinds and family and even the MC about the status of the marriage. The DW is telling you language a four year could understand~ it was over last week, it was over yesterday, and until further notice its going to be over.

 

By listening to friends, family and even the MC at the very least your building up your hope against hope ~ and it makes you act and come off in a VERY needy way, and being needy isn't attractive at all.

 

Listen to Chris Rock's spill about women and relationship. Baiscially titiled, "I HATE THIS S***!" When you see it on the Comedy Channel you see all the women laughing their @zzes off ~ because they know its true what he's saying.

 

He goes into it about when the man earns more money than the woman, or when the man earns less than the woman.

 

That's not to say that this is an absolute for any and all women. Understanding women is easy? They're all the same ~ yet they're each and everyone different.

 

Which leads to how to manage your woman ~ that's right ~ I said it. The way to manage your woman is simple. Get to know her, understand her, please her, how to hold her, squeeze her, tease her,

 

She's telling you what you need to know. She likes being able to come and go, and her independece. So give it to her unconditionally.

 

That's part of what NC is about? Giving her the room, space and opportunity ~ the "Gift" of missing you. You keep checking in with her and lettting her know any and everything about your "business" she grows to confident. She needs to be sitting around wondering about where you are, who your with, what your doing.

 

"Where is he at? What is he doing? And who is he doing it with?

 

There's a dance that enters into "courtship" ~ I call it "The Rubberman" dance. Its where one or both parties push each other, and then pull each other back in.

 

Dr. Gray of the "Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus" fame alludes to this about men. But it holds true for many women.

 

Both men and women are fraught with self doubt and insecurties.

 

In her mind she knows she's got you on the hook! Its time to let her flounder a bit!

[Cranialrupture]

Gunny nails it right on as usual. NC is not to be d**k, its to give you and her space. What you are doing is giving her more power and actually pushing her away!!!!!

 

By doing all these things with her, you are basically telling her "hey I am perfectly cool with maintaining a marriage like relationship and you having all the extra benefits of not being tied to anyone"

 

Best of both worlds???

 

You have got to get her to second guess herself. You have to instill doubt, worry, curiosity, loneliness and insecurity before she will question herself honestly. How the hell can you do any of that when she has you by the balls. If you want her back you have to make her MISS you.

 

She can't miss you when you won't leave her alone.

 

You are giving her the single life and the married life. Who the hell would want to go back to anyone when they had both???????

 

CUT HER OFF!! I know its hard, its a leap of faith because in your mind right now it doesn't make sense.

 

NC also has another benefit. YOU CAN HEAL!! You can't heal when your being drug around by the nut sack.

 

I know I sound harsh, thats because I can feel your pain and I know you have such a bright future, I just hate to see you do this to yourself. I know you seen what just a few days of NC can do. You said so yourself, when you broke NC after a few days it set you back right to the beginning. You were starting to heal and then ripped open the wounds again.

 

NC is going to do one of two things. A: get your wife back or B: get you through this faster and teach you how to be independant and to love yourself.

Edited December 24, 2009 by Cranialrupture

[beachbum1974]

Gunny and CR.....you both are absolutely right! I want you to know that after I read your posts, I get a huge burst of self confidence and hope. I guess the hope is that this marriage is either going to work by taking your advice or its not....but there is no other option. I need to go NC and stay there! The self confidence you give me is huge.

 

Last night when my W and I spoke, she told me she really had not been able to concentrate on herself while we have been separated. I guess its because of all the contact we've had back and fourth. I truely believe after she spends time alone and figures herself out, she will find her old self again.

 

She did make a statement that was a little strange and I wasn't sure if it was a Freudian slip or just a mis-statement. She said, "I need to figure things out. I need to decide who I want." I did not call her out on this because I didn't want to seem over analytical, but I did pick up on the "who I want" part. I'm still not absolutely sure there isn't another man. I guess at this point, it doesn't make a difference. I need to let her go, give her space and figure things out on her own.

 

I do believe she is living the dream right now. She has the freedom to do as she pleases, and the confidence that I will always be here for her. I just don't know when she says she feels like she has made up her mind or that she is "done" if I should hold on to any hope. I don't know if there is any room for her to have doubt in her feelings or change her mind and come back to me. How does a woman not want to work at a marriage when they tell you that you are the person they've always wanted to marry?

 

She is coming to our home this afternoon to exchange gifts and pick up some packages she had delivered to the house. It's going to take every ounce of strength for me not to get emotional, but I'm going to try...hard.

 

Guys, I have NEVER given up on anything in my life. I am not a quiter! I think thats one of the reasons this is so hard for me. I feel as if I'm giving up or quiting on the marriage.

 

I do believe after the holidays this will get easier to manage. (I may be in denial though) I took next week off of work, and I plan to go away on a ski vacation the first week of January with friends. She told me she thinks getting away will be good for me. I agree with you both. I need to STOP being so needy and let her flounder a bit and wonder about me. I think not going to her family's house for Christmas was a good move on my part. It was tough, but I would rather stay home and make pretend it's just another day, than spend Christmas with someone who doesn't want to be with me. In addition, it may give her more time and space away from me.

 

CR's story gives me a lot of hope that I will make it through this in one piece. I don't know your story Gunny, but I will research it and try to follow your lead as well. Please understand I really don't have too many people that I can talk to about this and I really look forward to reading your posts.

 

Bottom line is....It's Christmas. Initially, I was going to stay home and feel sorry for myself. After I read your posts, I think I will go spend Christmas at a friends home.

 

Again, thank you both for your replies. I do look forward to reading them and following your advice. May you both have a Merry Christmas! God Bless.

[GoodDad]

only wise people know when to quit the game, where is the game when there is no opponent....move on

 

 

LOL!

 

This made me thing of the movie War Games... Global Thermo-Nuclear War...The only way to win is not to play at all.

 

How about a nice game of chess?