How can I bring my wife home for Christmas?

[beachbum1974]

Ok, well I haven't posted any updates in about two months. I've been trying to concentrate on our marriage.

 

The month of March, I backed off completely and gave her the needed space she asked for the entire separation. My W moved back into our home on April 1st because the condo where she stayed was no longer available. My W believed she was coming home too early, but there was no place for her to go. The first week she was back, seemed amazing. I thought I had my old wife back. Caring, giving, loving, just nice in general.

 

After the second week home, she asked to go to a concert with "friends" and spend the night out. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea. She didn't go. I think this started her to withdraw again and become very cold and distant.

 

We met with our marriage counselor yesterday and she told her she was "done." According to my W, she is nicer and more giving to strangers than to me. She told the counselor she doesn't want to do anything to make me happy and feels like this is hopeless.

 

My W went to her girlfriends last night and spent the night. I still have no idea how this has happened. I am a good husband and friend to my wife. I have never cheated and we have no incidents I would classify as being "deal breakers." The marriage counselor told my W, if she ends the marriage based on her reasons, it would be "silly." She told my W most people regret ending their first marriages and asked her to continue to try. My W tried for the first two weeks home and simply gave up. If she would only try a little bit. I'm convinced there must be OM somewhere in the picture. I suspect its a guy she works with and speaks to frequently. There is no other reason for her not to want this marriage to work.

 

After the marriage counseling session, she gave me a hug and told me she needs "time." We separated for four months before this, eventhough we contacted each other frequently. I have been married for 5 years and dated my wife for 8 years before marriage. My W is 31 and I am 35. We have been together for almost half of her life. We have great jobs and a beautiful home. We have traveled and lived a great life up to this point.

 

I don't know what else to do except prepare myself for a divorce. I think that's the only way to truely get my wife back. Once she realizes what she has is gone.....maybe then she will want to get back in. Not sure if that ever happens, but I don't think I have a choice at this point. Has anyone ever experienced a divorce that actually brings the couple back together? Or once the paperwork is filed....it's over?

[FeelingLonely98]

bb - I have so many comments ... sorry!

 

My W moved back into our home on April 1st because the condo where she stayed was no longer available.

All I can say is THAT was a recipe for disaster - move in for THAT reason. What about to try to fix my M to my H???

 

After the second week home, she asked to go to a concert with "friends" and spend the night out.

"friends" ... Hmmm, ... spend the night out. Sounds like red flags of an A she is having!

 

We met with our marriage counselor yesterday and she told her she was "done." According to my W, she is nicer and more giving to strangers than to me. She told the counselor she doesn't want to do anything to make me happy and feels like this is hopeless.

Your W wants you to dislike you and wants you to want the D. Will lessen her guilt. Hence, these type of comments.

 

My W went to her girlfriends last night and spent the night.

What makes you think she went to a GF's house? Because she said so?

 

I still have no idea how this has happened. I am a good husband and friend to my wife. I have never cheated and we have no incidents I would classify as being "deal breakers."

Been there, done that ... I never did ANYthing to turn my W away. Would have done ANYthing for her. It's almost like they are predestined to stray or "be unhappy". (By "they" I am not saying women in general, just these type of WAWs.)

 

The marriage counselor told my W, if she ends the marriage based on her reasons, it would be "silly." She told my W most people regret ending their first marriages and asked her to continue to try.

IMO bb, there is NO reason that she will try to save this M.

 

I'm convinced there must be OM somewhere in the picture.

Abso-friggin-lutely sounds like it. All the tell-tale warning signs ... You've mentioned too many of them.

 

After the marriage counseling session, she gave me a hug and told me she needs "time."

Again, she wants you to like her because she feels guilty. Hence, the hug, the request for more time... (keeping you hanging on instead of cutting the rope.)

 

We separated for four months before this, eventhough we contacted each other frequently.

NC at all in this separation dude... do this for YOU bb!!!

 

I don't know what else to do except prepare myself for a divorce.

Yes, please do plan for the D. You need to move forward. If she will ever open her eyes, it may be your taking these steps. If not - you will have to do this anyways. Soooo, the sooner the better.

 

I think that's the only way to truely get my wife back.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, expect that this is even a possibility. If it happens, let it. If you even expect a 1% chance that it will then you will be heartbroken again!

 

Once she realizes what she has is gone.....maybe then she will want to get back in. Not sure if that ever happens, but I don't think I have a choice at this point.

Again, don't even think that this is a possible.

 

Has anyone ever experienced a divorce that actually brings the couple back together? Or once the paperwork is filed....it's over?

No, I haven't heard of any.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry so straightforward with my thoughts. Had to share. (Similar story, D for 3 months now, happy now, ... her coming back to me? Not even a thought in my mind about that now. Wouldn't want her anyway. Too many GOOD women out there!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Remember - - - The WAS usually has a worse quality of life after walking away and after the D. The BS usually has an improved quality of life. SO WILL YOU!!!;);)

[FeelingLonely98]

Or once the paperwork is filed....it's over?

 

I take it back. I know of ONE couple that actually got a D and then a few years later got back together and remarried.

[beachbum1974]

Ok, so tomorrow is the day. After six months of pure torture and trying to keep our marriage going, I made an appointment to file the D paperwork tomorrow. My wife moved back April 1st. The first two weeks were great....I actually thought the alien who pretended to be my wife was gone. I was wrong. My W began going on overnight trips with "friends" and things went downhill again fast. Everytime I caught her in a lie she told me she couldn't trust me. (I have never cheated on my W) She's been talking to the OM again and I heard her set up a "date" with him on Friday night.

 

The only issue we have now is a major trust problem. I can't trust her at all. She lies to her family, friends, work, the OM and me. It seems like her life is one big lie. I love her to death and this is the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my entire life.....and I've made a lot of important decisions. I hope I have the strength to keep it together tomorrow when I sit down with her and the lawyer.

 

I can imagine the fourteen years we have been together and the great times we've shared will be vividly on my mind. I need to do this for my health, job and life in general. I've lost 25 pounds, my work suffers, I'm not sleeping and all I have done for the past six months or so is try and figure out ways to repair this marriage.

 

The D lawyer said we can sign the paperwork and finalize the D in three weeks. She seemed upset with the fact it would be so quick. I think she wants to file the paperwork and separate (with zero contact) for three months to see how it goes. I don't understand this because she is the one who has pushed me and pushed me to file the paperwork. She has told me she is "done trying" over and over. Not sure if separating and waiting three months is a good idea a slow and painful death.

[stepka]

I get the feeling that she just wants to keep her options open and that you need to move on for your own peace of mind. I'm so sorry you have to go thru this--keep your head up and you'll meet someone who deserves you when the time is right.

[Chrome Barracuda]

you know what needs to be done drop the zero and find someone else. The joke has gone on for far too long. Why are you tolerating this. Expose them and serve her with divorce papers. Tell her to have a nice life and dont give her crap in the divorce. Especially if she's sleeping with an OM. screw that. the time for being soft is over ,playboy.

[Passion4Life]

you know what needs to be done drop the zero and find someone else. The joke has gone on for far too long. Why are you tolerating this. Expose them and serve her with divorce papers. Tell her to have a nice life and dont give her crap in the divorce. Especially if she's sleeping with an OM. screw that. the time for being soft is over ,playboy.

 

exactly , op expose her affair & then tell her that she can't keep fooling you any more & it is time for you to get rid of her to be free from her tortures

[beachbum1974]

I'm going to expose this entire affair, but I'm not sure where to start. My STBXW is still staying at the house and is moving out this week. Friday night she went out to dinner with "friends." When she returned she told me she had a nice time and stated, "And no, he was not there, just in case you were wondering." Saturday, I found a photograph of her and him at dinner together....lol Do the lies ever stop? The crazy part about this entire nightmare is she tells me the reason she can't go on is because she doesn't trust me. She doesn't trust me not to follow her, check her phone records, e-mails...etc. I never did that before she gave me a reason. Am I crazy? She had me convinced this was my fault for looking into the affair.....even after I was right.

 

Well, she continues to deny any type of improper relationship and I need some advice. I would really like to sit down with her parents, who I am close with and tell them the entire story. I want to tell our friends, neighbors, etc. Is this a bad idea? I was actually thinking once the property settlement sheet has been signed to do it so she doesn't get pissed and try to totally screw me over.

 

People have told me they think she will eventually try to crawl back into my life, but there is absolutely NO way of this ever happening. I was a doormat, fool, and scapegoat for entirely too long. The advice I got from everyone on here was amazing. Some of it I took, and some of it I should have taken. I think if I would have pulled the plug months ago, I would be in a better place by now. It's been a long road but I think my darkest days are behind me. I keep telling myself that I never signed up for this and don't deserve to be treated this way. I'm too good of a person.

[jackson30]

Forget the affair, forget your wife, just sign the papers and move on, you'll be much happier. She will get hers someday, just be the bigger person and move on.

[seibert253]

I'm going to expose this entire affair, but I'm not sure where to start. My STBXW is still staying at the house and is moving out this week. Friday night she went out to dinner with "friends." When she returned she told me she had a nice time and stated, "And no, he was not there, just in case you were wondering." Saturday, I found a photograph of her and him at dinner together....lol Do the lies ever stop? The crazy part about this entire nightmare is she tells me the reason she can't go on is because she doesn't trust me. She doesn't trust me not to follow her, check her phone records, e-mails...etc. I never did that before she gave me a reason. Am I crazy? She had me convinced this was my fault for looking into the affair.....even after I was right.

 

Well, she continues to deny any type of improper relationship and I need some advice. I would really like to sit down with her parents, who I am close with and tell them the entire story. I want to tell our friends, neighbors, etc. Is this a bad idea? I was actually thinking once the property settlement sheet has been signed to do it so she doesn't get pissed and try to totally screw me over.

 

People have told me they think she will eventually try to crawl back into my life, but there is absolutely NO way of this ever happening. I was a doormat, fool, and scapegoat for entirely too long. The advice I got from everyone on here was amazing. Some of it I took, and some of it I should have taken. I think if I would have pulled the plug months ago, I would be in a better place by now. It's been a long road but I think my darkest days are behind me. I keep telling myself that I never signed up for this and don't deserve to be treated this way. I'm too good of a person.

 

Just call your soon to be X inlaws, schedule a sit down, then tell them everything. Sugar coat nothing. Do the same with your parents if you wish.

As far as friends, I said nothing until they asked, then once the door was opened, Boom, I kicked it in. They got everything.

 

Except for her two closest friends, I told them from the get go, and showed them the evidence because I knew she would tell her friends I was crazy.

 

Exposure was the one thing that pizzed her off more than anything, but the truth needed to be told 'cause she was so full of sh#t and lies. Later my FWW admitted exposure was on of the key factors that knocked her off the fence.

I know your WW is pretty much gone, but for your own sanity and for the greater good, tell anyone willing to listen. I did and it fell SOOOOO Good.

 

Peace and Good Luck

[beachbum1974]

It's crazy how things can change over time. I have finally detached myself from the W. I started dating a few women and spending a lot of time on the beach. Just last week, my W sent me a text out of the blue that she really missed me and our friendship. She was very upset her friends had spotted me on the beach week after week with different girls. She told me my reputation was at risk, and that I was dragging her through the mud. She told me she lost seven pounds because of the stress. (Maybe she should let me know when she hits 25 pounds)

 

Now she wants to meet this week to "discuss" things. She told me she wanted to think about things this week, but may want to give our M another try. I have to admit, it feels pretty good. I don't know what I want now, but the ball seems like it's in my court. My W asked if we could do dinner and a walk on the beach afterwards. I told her it sounded fine, but I may back out if I think she's going to try and take control of our situation.

 

She continues to deny any improper relationship with the OM, even after all the information I obtained through the last eight months. Everyone has told me this would happen. You try and try to get things to work and become an absolute doormat in the process. As soon as you get your feet back under you, they hate it!!! It's clear women become upset to see you moving on without them and no longer dependent on them. I wish I took the advice everyone had given me earlier on.....maybe this would have worked out. The good news is.....I'm ok either way. I finally used my time to get in the best shape of my life and I relax at the beach nearly every single day. I have at least five or six women who I talk to on a daily basis. Some even just drop by the house without an invite.

 

For all those out there who think the world is crumbling all around them, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I honestly didn't see it because I wasn't looking forward. That's why a windshield in a car is so much bigger than a rearview mirror. Look forward....and stop looking back. Life will get better....and time is your friend.

[wrencn]

For all those out there who think the world is crumbling all around them, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I honestly didn't see it because I wasn't looking forward. That's why a windshield in a car is so much bigger than a rearview mirror. Look forward....and stop looking back. Life will get better....and time is your friend.

 

Thank you for the inspiration! I really needed it.

[gobbleguts]

Updates are cool, thanks beachbum!!

[TLCbear]

Wow, I have been following this thread and I hope you do not let the ball back into her court. You have done great so far! If I were you, I would not meet with her...at least until you truly find out which way you want to go. Don't not fall back into her trap. Good luck!

[PWSX3]

It was funny when me & the former wife separated my counselor told me she would be back. He had me make a list of things I wanted in a partner.....

 

Sure enough, a year after the divorce she contacted me. Said it was the biggest mistake she made. She had heard me & my G/F had broken up & she had wanted to go out with me....Funny after she told me we had to reconcile because of religious reasons & I drug my feet some, then started to see the G/F again, she turned & ran again. I guess she still believes when the tough gets going you run to the other side of the fence.

 

Even if she is still friends with the OM, she is NOT ready to get back with you. I'm guessing things aren't going well & she is looking for someone from the bullpen, & she is hoping that is you.

 

I believe in marriage & doing everything you can to make it work but once they move out I learned it is really hard to trust & if you decide to get back together, just be very careful. Take you time & see what happens when you don't go as fast as she wants..

[2.50 a gallon]

Beachbum

 

Sorry for the delay in answering, have tried twice before only to get a LS error message

 

I am in the school of getting your life back and moving on as fast as possible and this includes careful dating. To me it is like the old cliche of getting thrown from a horse, dusting yourself off and getting right back up

 

In the past I have been berated for offering this opinion as many say to wait at least a year after the D.

 

All that I know is that it worked for me.

 

My XW and I had a nasty seperation when I caught her with the OM and immediately threw her to the curb. She had most unkind things to say when she came by a couple of days later to pick up some of her things. The situation escalated that weekend when my neighbor, an associate OM held a party for her and her OM so she could rub her new man in my face, while the associate OM's wife was out of town.

 

This backfired on the XW as the associate OM's wife figured things out, and we began a revenge affair a couple of weeks later. I know I went over board.

 

Seeing my XW with the OM had done a number on me, and I collapsed into the deep pit of despair. For two to three weeks I stumbled around in the darkness wandering if I would ever so much as laugh again. All of that changed when the OM's wife and I began to talk, suddenly I was out of the pit and flying again. Also at this same time some of my fellow female workmates, invited me to go to a bar with them. I put my dancing shoes on and went with. Just being with these ladies did wonders for me as I got my man confidence back. There was hope, I would laugh and love again, I had began to move on

 

So I believe in getting back to dating as soon as possible, as it restore your manhood and help you begin to move on in life.

[2.50 a gallon]

Continuing on with my story.

 

All of this took place before caller ID, so I would not know if it was her or work calling when the phone rang. And the XW took great delight in caling me up to trash talk me.

 

Everything came to a head about a month after we separated. The associate OM's wifes mother was having serious health issues, so she was in turn alternating weekends with her sibling in helping tke take of her mother. This meant she had to leave town and the associate OM free for the weekend.

 

The next time the OM's wife took off for the weekend, he again threw a bar-b-que and invited my XW and her OM. The first I became aware of this was when the XW walked through the unlocked door and informed me of it, and also that she wanted to pick up more of her things and visit with our cats. To forcibly evict her would have given her the chance to call the police so I had to grin and bear it while her poisonous tongue again began to spit out trash talk, that she had never loved me.

 

All of this ended when she threw something in our trash can and spotted an empty champaign bottle. With that she knew that I too had been unfaithful. This time it was her world that crashed, as she knew immediately that another woman had invaded her territory.

 

"How can you do this, we are still married?", "I have always loved you", "We can work through this"

 

The XW had hit rock bottom, as she knew me, and knew that she could probably never get me back, and now that there was another woman in my life she desperatley wanted to reclaim me.

 

I am sorry to say I don't see your wife reaching that level, yet. She knows that you still want her back. What I think she is afraid of is, possibly losing you as her fall back position.

[seibert253]

It's crazy how things can change over time. I have finally detached myself from the W. I started dating a few women and spending a lot of time on the beach. Just last week, my W sent me a text out of the blue that she really missed me and our friendship. She was very upset her friends had spotted me on the beach week after week with different girls. She told me my reputation was at risk, and that I was dragging her through the mud. She told me she lost seven pounds because of the stress. (Maybe she should let me know when she hits 25 pounds)

 

Now she wants to meet this week to "discuss" things. She told me she wanted to think about things this week, but may want to give our M another try. I have to admit, it feels pretty good. I don't know what I want now, but the ball seems like it's in my court. My W asked if we could do dinner and a walk on the beach afterwards. I told her it sounded fine, but I may back out if I think she's going to try and take control of our situation.

 

She continues to deny any improper relationship with the OM, even after all the information I obtained through the last eight months. Everyone has told me this would happen. You try and try to get things to work and become an absolute doormat in the process. As soon as you get your feet back under you, they hate it!!! It's clear women become upset to see you moving on without them and no longer dependent on them. I wish I took the advice everyone had given me earlier on.....maybe this would have worked out. The good news is.....I'm ok either way. I finally used my time to get in the best shape of my life and I relax at the beach nearly every single day. I have at least five or six women who I talk to on a daily basis. Some even just drop by the house without an invite.

 

For all those out there who think the world is crumbling all around them, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I honestly didn't see it because I wasn't looking forward. That's why a windshield in a car is so much bigger than a rearview mirror. Look forward....and stop looking back. Life will get better....and time is your friend.

 

Good to hear from you BB. So glad things are going well for you.

 

As far as your W, only you can judge her sincerity. If she truly wants to work to save your M, then FIRST, she needs to be totally truthful, honest, and admit her relationship with the OM. If she won't do this, you're just wasting your time.

 

Your dinner and "walk" with your W could have opposite effects:

1. You two could reconnect and start to repair the damage done, or

2. You relive the hurt and pain, nothing is accomplished, and you take 3 or 4 steps backward.

 

Only you can judge whether your "date" with you W will be productive.

 

She's reaching out, you can be the judge of the true motive as to why.

 

Peace, Good Luck, and keep us updated