O'Malley Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 so, if you are correct and this IS the case, how do i know that when he has told me the opposite? he has cut off contact with her everywhere but on facebook (and he doesnt message her or post on her wall even). she has not texted him in over a year. no phone calls either way in over 2 years. and the time she came into his work, asked to hang out and he told her "that would not be a good idea." she asked why and he told her that i dont like her. she asked why i dont like her and he told her he was not going to get into it. he then blew her off and worked. You didn't provide this information in your earlier posts, which would be a good step if he has actually moved on from his feelings for her. However: i saw him twice in the last month looking at her FB pics. just walked in the room when he is on his computer and YEP! there he is...on her FB page. this suggests to me that he is still wanting to maintain some connection to her. And I disagree with other posters that this prior connection was ever healthy for your relationship, so it doesn't make sense for either of you to be her FB friend. My concern is that he isn't moving on from it because his feelings have changed, but only because you have told him how uncomfortable the situation made you. Again, it's not her, but how he perceives his relationship to her: the time she came into his work, asked to hang out and he told her "that would not be a good idea." she asked why and he told her that i dont like her. she asked why i dont like her and he told her he was not going to get into it. he then blew her off and worked. You've stated that you don't feel he would ever physically cheat, but there is obviously an emotional connection for him. And I have a feeling that if you told him you were fine with their communicating, it would revert to the same situation you were dealing with a year ago.
Phateless Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 see, i said this to him. i said, "i want to be someone's first choice. not second, not third," etc... he said, are you crazy?? you have been my first choice for over 20 years! i think part of it is that he thinks me feeling this way is controlling. he told me that he was that way in a relationship years ago, realized it was wrong to control someone else and has not done that again to someone. i will say that this is true-i could go hang out with an ex boyfriend and he would trust me enough to not care. he does not get jealous or ask me where i have been or look at my phone, etc....he does not want to control another person that way. so, if you are correct and this IS the case, how do i know that when he has told me the opposite? he has cut off contact with her everywhere but on facebook (and he doesnt message her or post on her wall even). she has not texted him in over a year. no phone calls either way in over 2 years. and the time she came into his work, asked to hang out and he told her "that would not be a good idea." she asked why and he told her that i dont like her. she asked why i dont like her and he told her he was not going to get into it. he then blew her off and worked. This all sounds like it's on the up and up. I say you get to know her a little bit and draw your own conclusions instead of basing everything off of assumptions. You didn't provide this information in your earlier posts, which would be a good step if he has actually moved on from his feelings for her. However: this suggests to me that he is still wanting to maintain some connection to her. And I disagree with other posters that this prior connection was ever healthy for your relationship, so it doesn't make sense for either of you to be her FB friend. My concern is that he isn't moving on from it because his feelings have changed, but only because you have told him how uncomfortable the situation made you. Again, it's not her, but how he perceives his relationship to her: You've stated that you don't feel he would ever physically cheat, but there is obviously an emotional connection for him. And I have a feeling that if you told him you were fine with their communicating, it would revert to the same situation you were dealing with a year ago. Dude, you are assuming A LOT here, when you really have very little to go on. This is the kind of fear-mongering mindset that stirs up trouble where there is none.
Author whichwaytogo Posted August 6, 2010 Author Posted August 6, 2010 you both are making my head spin! lol... so, either: a. he is still "obsessed" with her and i would be stupid to make any further commitments to him with this in play. if he is, i cant MAKE him not be. or b. he really just thinks she is a friend and doesn't worry about her as much as i do. which is silly on my part i guess. oh, the reason i came back to this thread is that yesterday on facebook he posted that we were going to a concert that was last night. probably about 10 friends joined in the convo, telling us to have fun,etc... i went on FB this morning and she posted a response to it saying "i wanna go! " i saw him at lunch today (after i know he saw her post) and he was all lovey dovey....asking me what was wrong (i acted like i never saw her post). i played it cool and told him nothing was wrong. part of me says that if i had reason to worry, she would not have posted that - getting in our conversation. she would be secretly messaging him, etc. i do have access to his FB mail and she sent him a message probably 5 months ago-and he didnt respond to it. oh, one more thing. i always complained that he never posts stuff on my FB wall or on his wall about us. two days ago, he posted this status update: "I am hereby publicly confession my eternal love for (my name)!!" that post (as cutesy as it was) did help. he wrote that knowing that everyone would see it.
O'Malley Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 I'll admit I overstated my case. I'm not wanting to 'fear monger' unnecessarily (because the OP obviously has been through this before), but I felt there were genuine concerns. As I stated before, this isn't about controlling partner's friendships, but they did need to have a discussion of what are appropriate boundaries with exes/fwbs. Whichwaytogo, I apologize. But I think it's natural for there to be concerns about an ex or friend there was sexual intimacy with, especially when the OP's boyfriend is still checking out her FB. Where last year the boyfriend lied about his contact, instead of being open about it with her. When the friend has attempted to contact him (apparently, that isn't the case now) but appears never to have ever initiated contact with the OP, as a regular friend would. He may be trustworthy, and seems to be acting much more integral about things, but I would be cautious about this situation. If the Whichwaytogo feels getting to know this woman better may help dispel her fears, then that's what she should do. It may make things more clear.
Phateless Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 I'll admit I overstated my case. I'm not wanting to 'fear monger' unnecessarily (because the OP obviously has been through this before), but I felt there were genuine concerns. As I stated before, this isn't about controlling partner's friendships, but they did need to have a discussion of what are appropriate boundaries with exes/fwbs. Whichwaytogo, I apologize. But I think it's natural for there to be concerns about an ex or friend there was sexual intimacy with, especially when the OP's boyfriend is still checking out her FB. Where last year the boyfriend lied about his contact, instead of being open about it with her. When the friend has attempted to contact him (apparently, that isn't the case now) but appears never to have ever initiated contact with the OP, as a regular friend would. He may be trustworthy, and seems to be acting much more integral about things, but I would be cautious about this situation. If the Whichwaytogo feels getting to know this woman better may help dispel her fears, then that's what she should do. It may make things more clear. I agree with you, BUT... Him leaving out some details about this girl COULD be due to the OP's obvious discomfort with the situation. From my own experience, if I know my gf gets emotional abut a certain female friend, I'm not going to discuss her if I don't need to. Not worth the drama... Whichwaytogo - based on everything you've said today, this guy sounds committed to you and I really don't think you have anything to worry about. When it comes down to it, YOU'RE the one in the situation and you should trust your instincts, not your fears. Get to know her, size her up, and then make your own decisions, once you have some actual information to go on. Btw, would you talk smack about your best friend? I'm betting the girl who talked the smack to you is actually the crazy one. Think about it...
bittersweet memories Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 I find it totally reasonable to request he stop contact. I also think 40yr olds with facebook accounts are kind of weird as well, so what do I know Myspace seems more for kids...Facebook is more for mature individuals..
Author whichwaytogo Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 so, **** hit the fan today. i have been really thinking of this yesterday and today so i guess i seemed distant. he kept asking me why last night. i told him i was just tired cause i didn't want to fight about it. today, we were laying in bed and he kept harping on me, trying to find out what was wrong....why i seemed depressed. he asked if it was about having a baby and i told him i wasnt sure if i wanted that. he asked why not. i told him i want to be sure we are ready. he said he thinks we are. i told him i want to be sure he has no emotional attachments to anyone else. so, he freaked out and got upset. was crying and saying he doesnt know what else to say to me to make me trust him. i told him that i saw he was on her FB page a few times in the last few months. he said he doesnt even remember being on there and even if he was "so the **** what?!!" he said he finds her disgusting...the way she treats people. that she treated him like **** and is no better to her friends. he then said, "if you and i broke up today, what do you think would happen??? would i run off to her??? god no!" we then got into it. i told him it was not a trust issue - but a jealousy issue on my part and that i am working on it. he was really mad that i brought it up. i WANTED to say that this is part of his own doing-he is the one that lied about the texts, etc...i think that is where my insecurities on this stem from. that was the first and only time he lied to me (that i know of). he also said that he doesnt even think about going on her FB page-he just looks on it like he does everyone else's.... so, i told him that he cant fix everything. if i have these feelings i need to work thru them myself. i told him i was working on it-that i even friend requested her to try to play nice. i told him that what should have happened was me telling him i was struggling with these feelings. he then could have just said, "well i love you." or something similar and then changed the subject. instead, he freaked and started yelling and ****. i told him he cant change anything-i guess i gotta work on this myself.
Phateless Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 so, **** hit the fan today. i have been really thinking of this yesterday and today so i guess i seemed distant. he kept asking me why last night. i told him i was just tired cause i didn't want to fight about it. today, we were laying in bed and he kept harping on me, trying to find out what was wrong....why i seemed depressed. he asked if it was about having a baby and i told him i wasnt sure if i wanted that. he asked why not. i told him i want to be sure we are ready. he said he thinks we are. i told him i want to be sure he has no emotional attachments to anyone else. so, he freaked out and got upset. was crying and saying he doesnt know what else to say to me to make me trust him. i told him that i saw he was on her FB page a few times in the last few months. he said he doesnt even remember being on there and even if he was "so the **** what?!!" he said he finds her disgusting...the way she treats people. that she treated him like **** and is no better to her friends. he then said, "if you and i broke up today, what do you think would happen??? would i run off to her??? god no!" we then got into it. i told him it was not a trust issue - but a jealousy issue on my part and that i am working on it. he was really mad that i brought it up. i WANTED to say that this is part of his own doing-he is the one that lied about the texts, etc...i think that is where my insecurities on this stem from. that was the first and only time he lied to me (that i know of). he also said that he doesnt even think about going on her FB page-he just looks on it like he does everyone else's.... so, i told him that he cant fix everything. if i have these feelings i need to work thru them myself. i told him i was working on it-that i even friend requested her to try to play nice. i told him that what should have happened was me telling him i was struggling with these feelings. he then could have just said, "well i love you." or something similar and then changed the subject. instead, he freaked and started yelling and ****. i told him he cant change anything-i guess i gotta work on this myself. Sorry to hear girlie. I agree, this does sound more like your insecurities than anything else. He's probably just frustrated and sick of talking about this. So here is the real question: What are you doing to work through your issues with jealousy and insecurity?
Author whichwaytogo Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 well, i guess friend requesting her was a step. all his other friends and ex girlfriends like me alot. we get along and joke back and forth, etc.. so maybe i will first see if she accepts my friend request. then i guess i could "like" a few of her status updates or something. i am scared of getting screwed over again. i dont know how to get past that. i try to tell myself that even if i were to jump in and trust him fully, and he did end up screwing me over-i would still be okay. my life would go on, etc... i have tried to think on that. and i try to tell myself that people can't control other people. if someone is going to screw you over, they will screw you over. we dont have control over that. i guess when i really look at all this, my thoughts are this. i really trust him more than i have trusted anyone before. i guess it is also a slight control issue on my part because i want him to unfriend her on FB. and the fact he won't drives me nuts.
Phateless Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 well, i guess friend requesting her was a step. all his other friends and ex girlfriends like me alot. we get along and joke back and forth, etc.. so maybe i will first see if she accepts my friend request. then i guess i could "like" a few of her status updates or something. I'm proud of you, I know this is hard for you. i am scared of getting screwed over again. i dont know how to get past that. i try to tell myself that even if i were to jump in and trust him fully, and he did end up screwing me over-i would still be okay. my life would go on, etc... i have tried to think on that. We're all scared of that. All you can do is accept the fear and learn to be comfortable with it, if that makes sense? Don't worry about making the fear go away; it never will. Instead, let it operate in the background, but don't pay attention. Think of it like a computer when you have multiple programs up. Just minimize the fear. It's still there, running in the background, but if you minimize it you're not paying attention to it and it doesn't bother you as much. and i try to tell myself that people can't control other people. if someone is going to screw you over, they will screw you over. we dont have control over that. That is so true! If someone's going to cheat, they're going to cheat, and NOTHING we do can stop them, so why get all worked up? If you trust him, than TRUST HIM until he gives you a real reason not to. i guess when i really look at all this, my thoughts are this. i really trust him more than i have trusted anyone before. i guess it is also a slight control issue on my part because i want him to unfriend her on FB. and the fact he won't drives me nuts. I get that - it's because you have so much trust in him that you're so terrified; you're more vulnerable than you've ever been. I get that... As for control, maybe you should think about and journal on this specific topic some more. Why do you feel the need to control him? And seriously, do you really want to self-destruct a great relationship over something THAT PETTY? I mean... really...?!
Author whichwaytogo Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 thanks so much Phateless! YOU are a lifesaver (and a relationship saver).
sultry33 Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I hope things work out for you. I had similar thing with an ex recently I was curious why he had an ex on his facebook.. he said he didnt know then he deleted her.. no drama As soon as I break up with him.. she is back Problem I had was that he talked to her on msn.. ok he told me but none the less he was talking and she said how she had missed out by not being with him/.. I was like "oh so now she wants you back? and you think its ok to chat to her on msn?" Im not the jealous type but I think he was hoping it would bring it out.. I just said I was not happy with that line of conversation and I had no exes on mine and i dont do msn.. drama over Can say if he hadnt deleted her or had continued to talk to her on msn.. i would for sure had left him. Im not a jealous girl I just think if someone who is not that important in your life.. comes into your present rs and that person dont like it.. then why keep the less important one there.
Phateless Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 thanks so much Phateless! YOU are a lifesaver (and a relationship saver). You're welcome!
Author whichwaytogo Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 wellll....she deleted my friend request and didn't accept it. whatever.
Phateless Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 wellll....she deleted my friend request and didn't accept it. whatever. Hmmm, at least you tried. You're one step closer to figuring her out. If your bf objects to you two meeting each other, then you know there is something afoot. If you can all hang out as a group and get to know each other that would help on both ends I think.
Author whichwaytogo Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 well, a few months back (after she came into his work) he was like, "she probably just misses my dog. why don't you two take the dogs to the dog park together?" i declined. he doesn't want to hang out with her, that is why he wanted me to go alone.
Phateless Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 well, a few months back (after she came into his work) he was like, "she probably just misses my dog. why don't you two take the dogs to the dog park together?" i declined. he doesn't want to hang out with her, that is why he wanted me to go alone. Oh dude, you're fine! If he were dating or interested in that other girl he would want to keep you two apart, not throw you together! Think about it...
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