whichwaytogo Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 i am 40 yrs old. i am back together with my boyfriend from high school. i was his first love, i KNOW he loves me. i moved across the country to be with him which was a huge step for me as i always lived around family. before i moved, he told me of his previous relationships in the 20 years that we didnt see each other. there was one chick that really stood out (we will call her beeyotch). they were not in a 'relationship' but i know he was in love with her-but the feelings werent mutual on her part. they had sex once (which she never would admit to her friends about). before i moved out here to be with him, i felt uneasy about her. i told him i didnt want any drama from her. moved out here, her best friend told me to be concerned about her-she is manipulative and a bitch. she cant be trusted, etc. this, from her best friend. so, a year ago she and him texted each other. mostly cause this chicks best friend was babysitting my kids and 'beeyotch' happened to meet my kids. she and him texted each other about my kids. he deleted the texted between them not knowing i had seen the texts already. he lied to me about it and then came clean. this hurt me deeply cause the last person i was with (husband) for 10 years cheated on me and i found out thru emails/texts. fast forward to a few days ago. well, i go on his FB page and see she posted something like "glad to run into you the other day. dont be a stranger". up until then, they were not FB friends. i asked him about it and i guess she happened to come into his place of work (restaurant) with her boyfriend. he usually tells me about his night and who came in to the restaruant, but never told me she did until she posted that on FB. so, we get into this huge fight. i feel that if i am uncomfortable with her having contact with him, he shouldnt have accepted her friend request. i understand he cant run away when she comes to his work, etc. but he should at least stop having contact w her. he feels that i am telling him who he can/cant be friends with and that i should trust him. and, i do trust him. since i have known him for 20 years, he has NEVER cheated on any girlfriend he has been with. i know he loves me. he has shown me journals about me that he wrote thru the years about how he feels for me. we just have different thoughts on how a relationship should go. i am not telling him who he can communicate with but i am just sad that if he knows how uncomfortable i am with "beeyoch" and that i dont trust her, why wouldnt HE make that decision. do my feelings mean nothing to him??? if i knew there was someone he felt uncomfortable with me communicating with, i would just try to avoid that person. i would do that on my own, because i love him and would not want him to worry about another man. there are other things that bother me that he is unwilling to change-He doesnt spend alot of time with me and doesnt like to have sex alot. when we discuss these things, he says "this is who i am" and is not willing to bend at all. anyway, please tell me what you think. i am a big girl and will take any criticism you have. i dont want to overreact but dont want to spend time in a relationship that is doomed. on the plus side, he is great with my 4 kids, he loves them. my ex is a stalker and he has put up with all that drama too. i guess im just scared to get hurt. i want someone who gives a ****.
torranceshipman Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 on the plus side, he is great with my 4 kids, he loves them. my ex is a stalker and he has put up with all that drama too. To be fair, this part makes him sound pretty cool.
Author whichwaytogo Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 To be fair, this part makes him sound pretty cool. yes, he is. i guess i am just scared. he knows how i got screwed over by my ex that cheated. i guess i just want him to compromise. i keep thinking "is talking to this chick worth the one you love being upset?" i am also 40 and want to be sure im not 'settling'... i keep asking myself if there is peace and harmony in any relationship out there? not sure if that exists and dont want to be sorry later if i leave.
Phateless Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 we just have different thoughts on how a relationship should go. i am not telling him who he can communicate with but i am just sad that if he knows how uncomfortable i am with "beeyoch" and that i dont trust her, why wouldnt HE make that decision. do my feelings mean nothing to him??? if i knew there was someone he felt uncomfortable with me communicating with, i would just try to avoid that person. i would do that on my own, because i love him and would not want him to worry about another man. You want him to come to YOUR mindset on his own. That's a bit controlling of you, tbh. He has female friends, he's known her for a long time. You don't get to demand he stop seeing her. I understand your feelings here, but you need to deal with your insecurities separately from your demands of him, if that makes sense? If you don't think he'll cheat, just let her waste her time and rest secure in the knowledge that he's coming home to you. Btw, snooping through someone's phone will ONLY cause drama. Don't do it again.
Author whichwaytogo Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 thanks phateless. i know, i do have insecurity going on but not sure how to overcome that. i didnt go into his phone knowing it was his. we have the exact same phones and i went to check my texts. the one said, "wow, your kids are cute. nice meeting them yesterday." i knew the kids werent with me so that is when i realized it wasnt my phone and was like "WTF?". anyways, thanks for being honest. i appreciate it-it helps.
jerseyboy Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 I find it totally reasonable to request he stop contact. I also think 40yr olds with facebook accounts are kind of weird as well, so what do I know
Phateless Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 thanks phateless. i know, i do have insecurity going on but not sure how to overcome that. i didnt go into his phone knowing it was his. we have the exact same phones and i went to check my texts. the one said, "wow, your kids are cute. nice meeting them yesterday." i knew the kids werent with me so that is when i realized it wasnt my phone and was like "WTF?". anyways, thanks for being honest. i appreciate it-it helps. Ok, that's legitimate. Yeah, insecurity is a bitch, I've been dealing with it myself for a looong time. Staying busy helps, and so do affirmations and reframing. If you don't recognize any of these terms, Google them. What I've found helpful is to give yourself enough positive things going on that you don't have time to sit around and think negatively. Also, if you can sit and logically analyze each insecure belief all the through to the end of the thought process to see where you end up, that can help you to unravel it. Often times it's based on a completely irrational or untrue belief. Once you uncover that belief, the insecurity will start to lose its power.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Never fall in love with a man's potential. If you can't love and accept EXACTLY what's in front of you RIGHT NOW, then he may not be the guy for you. Men only change when they REALLY want to - not because some girl is pressuring him to. That's just the way men are. And by pressuring him, you just make him resent you. It's a no-win.
Author whichwaytogo Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 thanks soulsearch. i guess part of my concern is that i cant comprehend how he would even want to speak to her. she is drama filled, used him and after they had sex would not even admit it to her friends that they did! she even accused him of stalking her. but then, she would call him if she needed something, so she is a user and very manipulative. my concern is that i cant imagine how anyone would even talk to someone who treated them that way, unless there are still feelings there. but, he said he is a very forgiving person (he is) and that he has forgiven her for that crap. he swears that he does not have any feelings for her other than friendship. i am just hoping he is not stupid enough to eff up and make a mistake that i will not stand for in our relationship.
VeveCakes Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 I find it totally reasonable to request he stop contact. I also think 40yr olds with facebook accounts are kind of weird as well, so what do I know Shocker...I agree with you. I also don't get it. You're in a relationship, talk to him. If you aren't happy with the situation after then time to reconsider.
Author whichwaytogo Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 well, i did talk to him....last year when there was contact. fast forward to now, talked again when she became FB friends and posted on his page that she run into him (and "dont be a stranger"). he was like "fine. i wont talk to her. but when she friend requested me, it seemed kinda childish to not accept the friend request." i then said, "Just forget it. im tired of worrying about it." mostly cause it hurts when i think about it and dont want to argue as i am non-confrontational. last nite we were laying together and he again tells me how nobody he has been with before ever compared to me. he has always had trouble in his past relationships cause he compared every girl to me (remember, we dated in our early teens), etc... i started to cry a little cause if that is the case, WTF cant he just make this one concession!!! there are other things that i am not thrilled about-he is a musician so spends time on "projects" and doesnt give me enough time with him. he libido is alot lower than mine so i dont have as much sex as i want. when we talked about this, his response is "this is who i am". these things i just 'deal' with. he just is stubborn and wont bend on anything. after he noticed i was getting teary eyed he said, "what? what did i say wrong??" i told him "nothing baby." but, in realty it makes me more frusterated knowing how he feels for me, him writing songs that have been recorded for me, etc. and then he wont bend in any way on these issues. honestly-i DONT want to be a controlling beeyotch. the marriage i left was emotionally abusive and i DONT want to become that person. is it unreasonable for two people in a committed relationship to bend a little to satisfy the other? does anyone here think that is nuts? ugh.
Author whichwaytogo Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 and also, there is this dude that i also know from high school that wants to date me. it is common knowledge, no biggie. i know my bf is uncomfortable with him being around, etc. so i pulled back from this dude's friendship-not because i wanted to, but i knew it made bf uncomfortable so the friendship with this dude is not worth my bf being uncomfortable with it. bf never had to TELL me to pull back-i chose on my own to do it cause i love bf and i care about his feelings. i just want him to think that way about me darnt! but i know that i CANT make another think just like me. i think at this point i am just venting...i guess maybe if i think about it long enough it will change! lol..but i know the world doesnt work that way. quite frankly, i know she is not attracted to him. but, i see that she would do **** just to eff with our relationship-that is what kind of girl she is. and the fact that he would not respect my feelings on this is what is upsetting.
jerseyboy Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 The problem is you, but not because your requests are unreasonable But rather because you need to accept the fact that you cant change people. This guy is perhaps more obstinate in as much as he wont even pretend to want to change, which probably does say something about his feelings for you, none of it good. If I lsitened to every female claim of how she would change such and such Id go nuts. They cant. Its who they are. Itll always pop up again down the road. Just the way it is. Someone tells me or shows me something, I believe them. It makes life far less dramam fillled.
sumdude Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 I also think 40yr olds with facebook accounts are kind of weird as well, so what do I know OK OT for a minute. What is that supposed to mean? I know people of all ages on facebook.
AriaIncognito Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 WWTG - You basically have 2 options here. 1.) Wait it out and hope that he changes of his own will. (not likely) 2.) Decide that you will accept the fact that he doesn't behave the same as you and move on from it. You can't tell him what to do any more than he should tell you what to do. Sometimes people handle things differently, and sometimes the 2 methods just don't jive with each other. So the question you should be asking is, how can you change your own mindset so that it doesn't bother you that he's friends with someone you believe to be harmless ;-)
Author whichwaytogo Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 So the question you should be asking is, how can you change your own mindset so that it doesn't bother you that he's friends with someone you believe to be harmless ;-) ummm...i dont know. how do i do that? lol
Author whichwaytogo Posted August 6, 2010 Author Posted August 6, 2010 yes, this is old. i am still here with the same issue. i just can't get past this? why? i don't know. i think that i view relationships as two people that work to protect that relationship. this beeyotch is still around. i saw him twice in the last month looking at her FB pics. just walked in the room when he is on his computer and YEP! there he is...on her FB page. i think he may ask me to marry him, he wants to have a baby. i am scared about this. not because i think he would cheat, but i want someone who respects our relationship. she shows NO respect for us. she knows she causes arguements between us but continues on. if i was in his shoes, i would unfriend her just because of that reason. am i being unreasonable to expect that the person i am with feels the same? respects our relationship the same and defends it from drama?
Phateless Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 yes, this is old. i am still here with the same issue. i just can't get past this? why? i don't know. i think that i view relationships as two people that work to protect that relationship. this beeyotch is still around. i saw him twice in the last month looking at her FB pics. just walked in the room when he is on his computer and YEP! there he is...on her FB page. i think he may ask me to marry him, he wants to have a baby. i am scared about this. not because i think he would cheat, but i want someone who respects our relationship. she shows NO respect for us. she knows she causes arguements between us but continues on. if i was in his shoes, i would unfriend her just because of that reason. am i being unreasonable to expect that the person i am with feels the same? respects our relationship the same and defends it from drama? You're turning this into a power-play when it never was. You said he was friends with her before he knew you. I think you're making this about who is more important to him, which is an unfair choice to ask him to make. Why can't you hang out with her and learn to get along with her? I think this is your own pride and ego, more than anything else.
Author whichwaytogo Posted August 6, 2010 Author Posted August 6, 2010 You're turning this into a power-play when it never was. You said he was friends with her before he knew you. I think you're making this about who is more important to him, which is an unfair choice to ask him to make. Why can't you hang out with her and learn to get along with her? I think this is your own pride and ego, more than anything else. yes, the power play is possible. why is it unfair? shouldn't i be more important to him than her?
Author whichwaytogo Posted August 6, 2010 Author Posted August 6, 2010 okay...i just friend requested her on facebook but i'm not happy about it.
Phateless Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 yes, the power play is possible. why is it unfair? shouldn't i be more important to him than her? Yes, you should be more important, but that doesn't mean you should call rank and demand he cut her out of his life just to assert your higher importance. Make sense? okay...i just friend requested her on facebook but i'm not happy about it. Good job, girlie, I'm proud of you! If he loves you and he likes her as a friend than she might turn out to be a pretty cool chick after all.
O'Malley Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 (edited) Actually, I think you've been putting up with this situation for too long. And I wouldn't befriend this woman -- in real life or online. She is not his friend, he does not want friendship with her and this has absolutely nothing to do with the general notion of opposite gender friends (which is usually a normal, healthy dynamic). i am also 40 and want to be sure im not 'settling'... You are settling, for a man who is settling for you because the woman he is fixated on does not want him. Exes can only be friends if they both have moved on from their feelings for each other. Your boyfriend has clearly not done that, and has repeatedly made it known that he prioritizes his need for her in his life over your discomfort. He hides his texts and contacts to her -- men that are content in relationships do not do this with female pals, much less a woman he was previously involved with. This is an emotional affair on his side. I'm sure he does have feelings for you, but if she were to beckon a finger to him and tell him she wanted him to be with her, I think you would see how quickly he would end your relationship. Definitely think about finding your own place to live with your kids; this is a situation that you should leave entirely, because you've discussed it with him and he refuses to give up his feelings for this woman in order to invest in your relationship, both emotionally and sexually. . Edited August 6, 2010 by O'Malley
Author whichwaytogo Posted August 6, 2010 Author Posted August 6, 2010 Good job, girlie, I'm proud of you! If he loves you and he likes her as a friend than she might turn out to be a pretty cool chick after all. just so you know, while i was doing it i said out loud.. "darn Phateless!!" lol thanks for your advice. i know i am obsessive about this and just want to not worry any longer.
Phateless Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 just so you know, while i was doing it i said out loud.. "darn Phateless!!" lol thanks for your advice. i know i am obsessive about this and just want to not worry any longer. lol, I'm glad I got under your skin. Completely agree, it will feel better to chill out. In response to the above poster, once you become less anxious about this I'm sure it will be easier for your guy to talk to you about this girl. If she's not a source of conflict in your relationship he'll feel more at ease to discuss her. Make sense?
Author whichwaytogo Posted August 6, 2010 Author Posted August 6, 2010 You are settling, for a man who is settling for you because the woman he is fixated on does not want him. see, i said this to him. i said, "i want to be someone's first choice. not second, not third," etc... he said, are you crazy?? you have been my first choice for over 20 years! i think part of it is that he thinks me feeling this way is controlling. he told me that he was that way in a relationship years ago, realized it was wrong to control someone else and has not done that again to someone. i will say that this is true-i could go hang out with an ex boyfriend and he would trust me enough to not care. he does not get jealous or ask me where i have been or look at my phone, etc....he does not want to control another person that way. so, if you are correct and this IS the case, how do i know that when he has told me the opposite? he has cut off contact with her everywhere but on facebook (and he doesnt message her or post on her wall even). she has not texted him in over a year. no phone calls either way in over 2 years. and the time she came into his work, asked to hang out and he told her "that would not be a good idea." she asked why and he told her that i dont like her. she asked why i dont like her and he told her he was not going to get into it. he then blew her off and worked.
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