What are my chances?

[maxmuscle]

Kanuk,

 

My ex started to open up after I did the no contact thing. She was expecting me to contact her, eventhough she initiated the break-up. It took almost three weeks. I did everthing that was humanly possible to not contact her. It was extremely difficult, but with the support of family and friends I was able to hold off.

 

The only way you can move on is to take the advice on these boards from people who been through what you are going through and made mistakes. Or people who are finding answers through trial and error. The advice from these boards are right on.

 

You are like everybody else on these boards or any place in this world. You are not alone. I love my gf, but I am not crawling back to her because she broke up with me. If she doesn't come back on her own, then I will move on. I have prepared myself for the worst becasue it is a good chance it can happen.

[Kanuk]

It has coem to my attention from a friend of mine, that i do things that annoy people. And i do them on purpose, not all the time, but sometimes, and because i think they're funny. No one else seems to though. the bikini incident i wrote about above is a prime example.

 

My one friedn who's a girl is or at elas was very timid. I would bug her cnstantly to go to a strip club. I didn't want to go, heck, i'd never even ben to one myself, but it made her squirm and i thoguht that was funny. I let her know there were no hard feeling and that I never ment anything serious by it, but i did it anyways.

 

I may have done stuff liek that to my ex. Not biggin her about a strip blub or whatever, but other things. Like i wanted her to go to the gymw ith me cause i wanted somehting we could share and i wanted to help her because she was tired all the time, and it was free anyways because of my school. She initially liked the idea and went a couple of times. But then she didn't want to, and i bugged her about it still. I'm afraid now that she took it personally, that she maybe thought i was calling her fat or something.

 

I never had anythign but the utmost respect for her. But the things i did probably made her think that i don't respect what she says. Combine that with coming down that Sunday when she said she wanted a break and can I really blame her? It almost seems as if i didn't ever listen to her. I almost feel like i deserve what I'm getting now

[maxmuscle]

Kanuk,

 

You have to listen to her wants. It shows that you respect her feelings and love her enough to grant her wishes. Believe it or not, it makes you look more valuable and attractive in her eyes. However, it is not to late to start listening to her wants. Only then, you will be able to increase your chances for reconciliation.

[Kanuk]

well, lie i said before i think. I sent her a last message about 2 weeks ago now that said "look, i;m sorry for pestering you, i was wrong, you know how i feel and what i want. You want your space, sorry for not clueing in earlier, you have it now. Just knwo that I love you more than anything and I hoep to hear from you"

 

more or less

 

And i was elaving her aone, i was making no effort tocall her

 

But when i was in her town yesterday, i ran into one of her friends. #1 thing that wont be good. And thoughaccidental, probably wont go over very well or wont be seen that way

 

the day before when i tried to call her mother and got my ex instead. That's bad and will make her think that even though i said i would leave her alone, i wont

 

i wrote a letter to her a logn time ago that detailed everythign i felt, everythign i was sorry for and everything i wantd to ehar from her ,only if she wanted to tell me. And that i loved her and wanted her to be happy, even if it ment being without me.

 

I sent it a long time ago, before writing that ast message 2 weeks ago and apparently, when talking to her mother, i foudn out that by somemirale of canada post. It JUST got there. So now, if she reads it, she's just going o think again that I wont give up. That i told her i would leave her alone and i still wont give up. It would seem fate is conspireing against me.

 

It's been almost 2 months and she hasn't voluntarily contacted me. I left her alone for almost a month before trying to e-mail her to ask what was happening. In that time i had only heard one thing from my friend, that she told one of her friends that she was thinking about e-mailingme soon

 

that never happened

 

When I came there that Sunday and she blew up at me. Her exact words were "You need to go home, not call and not come back". I thought that she was mad and that she ment exactly what she said, but not forever, not 'dont call or come back ever again". I thought she would calm down and call me sometime soon to talk about it. My fiend told me yesterday that after she said that and got in the car, she felt better, she felt like she had said all she needed to say to me and that it was over.

 

I never got an explanation of why she wanted the break, why she said she loved me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, but in 24 hours changed her mind to "don't call and don't ome back"

 

She told all of her friends that 'it was over' but never said that to me. Maybe i should have read between the lines, but i thoguht that after 15 months, i shouldn't be reading betwen the lines, i shoul dbe getting a direct answer. Maybe i don't deserve that, i don't know.

 

I want to do what she wants, i want to give her that space, i told her i would. I'm just scared that recent events are going to make her think that I'm doing the exact opposite of what i said and that is going to make her trust me even less than she already is

[maxmuscle]

The only thing I can say is to focus more on yourself from this point forward. Its not about her now, its about you. Pick up a hobby, find something you like to do other than think about your ex, and make it your passion. Go back to school to take some classes. Read books. Join a gym. Try to better yourself in some form or fashion. I say forget the dating scene.

 

I don't know why people say to date, there is so much other things to do then think about a woman or man. Who wants to meet other people when you still have so much love for someone else. Focus your enegies on making you self better.

[Kanuk]

Yeah, i'm doign all thsoe thinsg you just described and more. To top this all off, one of my friend from highschool just died and she was only 22.

 

It's a tough time to have to deal with all of this at the same time. And to still love somoen even though you're getting treated liek **** and still want to make them happy even if it makes you miserable all at the same time, i wonder why i get up in the morning.

[mr_roggger]

If you better yourself and leave her alone some more, not only will you become a better person, she will be more attracted to you (in many physical and emotional ways) so should improve your chances. Think about yourself right now though!

I too am unsure why people recommend dating to try and help you get over it. I was recommended to do this. I didn't, and didn't really want to because at the time everything I did reminded me of my ex, so dating someone else would have reminded me of when I dated her and would have upset me greatly, as well as providing a ****e night out for the girl in question and ruining any chances of being with her in the future. Obviously I could have explained myself to her, but then she would have felt like a rebound?

Anyway, do what you feel is right to improve your own situation!

[Kanuk]

Yeah, she'll be more attracted to me, if she ever thinks about it again. Something about her, whn we started dating, makes em think otherwise

 

She dated this guy before me. She neve rloved him, he spent all his time with his freidns and then ended up dumping her. But still, she must have dated him for a reason. But she certainly didn't seem to hate him.

 

When i started dating her, we were in a video store with some of her friends and we ran into him, or so i found out, i had no clue who he was. Turns out, he was in an accident where his car aas totaled by a semi. She didnt't even care, wasn't concerned in the slightest.

 

She has that attitude to all of her ex's. But then again, she doesn't claim to have oved any of them, and never told any of them once that she loved them. She did say she loved me and that makes me hope i'll get better consideration now that I'm gone.

 

I foundout about a conversation my friend had with one of her friends. She (the ex's friend) was naming off a list of my ex's old boyfriends, and it wasn't a good list... I dodn't get the exact details, but the kind of list liek "former @ssholes that my fiends was with". I was on this list. I've heard tha tsame list from my ex when we were dating, when she talked abou those people, it was not in reverence, or 'good times i had with xxx and yyy". Oh, i do believe i am so screwed.

 

But now i find out all f her friends hate me. She's obviosuly not defending me when this happens cause the news has easily gotten back to me. It all makes me very paranoid. And it's all topped off by the fact that in 7 weeks, she has yet to say anythng to me about how she feels or why she did what she did. I have no indication of wether she hates me or cares, or doesn't care at all. And it's eating me up inside everyday.

 

I'd love to just forget it and get on with life, but i can't cause I can't forget her. Cause I'm so concerned with her opinion of me, and wether she loves me or not that it consumes all of my thoughts.

[Grace]

Are you being honest with yourself when you say that you broke into her house to sleep next to her, just cause you knew she loved waking up next to you? Are you sure you weren't freaking out because you couldn't get in touch with her earlier that evening and you thought maybe she was with someone else? And are you sure that you didn't go over to her house using the waking up with her thing as an excuse, just to make sure she was home...and home alone without another man? The reason she's upset is because she feels that you were manipulating her, disrespecting her and using the "waking up w/ each other" excuse to check up on her. It's understandable that you panicked, but be honest with yourself about why you panicked.

 

The only reason I'm saying this is because my ex did something similar. I had told him to back off and give me space to figure things out. That w/e I went out with some friends dancing. He wouldn't stop calling my cell all night. When I got home at 3:00am, he was sitting on my steps freaking out acting as if he was worried (yeah worried I was with another man though he told me he was worried that something bad had happened to me). I was so furious and felt like he had disrespected my wishes and was stalking me. I also knew it was a control thing. He was freaking out, not about my well-being, but about where and who I might be with. I yelled at him, kicked him out and wanted nothing to do with him. Unfortunately, he still didn't back off after that and he lost me. I wouldn't return a single phone call and hated him with all my heart.

 

If you're smart, you'll now leave her alone and give her space. Do not contact her and let her come to you. If she loves you, she will. Just repsect her and give her the space she's asking for. If my ex had listened to me and left me alone and stopped trying to control the situation...we might still be together today. Overall, he was a nice guy, but it was a turn-off that he disrespected my wishes and feelings. Reverse the situation and put yourself in her shoes. You'd feel the same way.

[mr_roggger]

Would you have wanted to still be with him if he hadn't done that?

Are you saying that if he had given you the space you required, there is more chance that you could have reconciled the relationship?

Just nice to hear the other side of a story for a change I guess

[Kanuk]

No, i didn't do that to check up on her like you suggest. You misunderstand the ORDEEr of the events.

 

Everythign was fine and completly normal in the relationship except for a few recent arguments. I id the breaking into her house thing early Friday morning 8 weeks ago. AFTER that was when she wanted to go on a break, and after the break suggestion was when i made the calls and came to her place the day after to pick up my stuff and drop off her key.

 

I see no reason why she shoudl thin ki was checkin gup on her to see if there were other guys. I do, howver, see her not trusing me now bacause i broke into her house and disrespected ehr wishes afterwards by calling and showing up the next day.

 

Still, 8 weeks and she has not contacted me at all, not voluntarily at least. The last emssage i sent to her apologized for bugging her and not giveing ehr the space she wanted. And i told her i lobed her and wanted her back if she came to that decision. And that i couldn't force her to love me. I said i wanted to hear from her when she made up her mind. that was December 12th. She finished her exams yesterday, so i'm hoping she'll finally sit down and give us some thought. I doubt it though, she'll likely be out with her friends partying all the time.

 

She could have blocked me on icq by then, but i have no way of knowing that. Seems feasable, sending a last message that said "I think its best if we both try to move on for now. I'm not ready to talk to you yet, but I'll let you knwo when I am". And then bklocking me to prevent any more of me bothering her. If she did, that means she's being pretty damn mean about this. But i still love her, so i'm not contacting her. I'm not sure how long i wait before just giving up and talkign to her to get the answers i want. If I can't have her back, then i want the truth. Why she wanted the break in the first place and if it was just a thinly veiled way of "letting me down easy".

[Kanuk]

My mistake, i sent that message to he ron December the 6th, not the 12th.

 

irregardless, i haven't heard a word from her. Not a peep.

[Grace]

Definitely. If he had left me alone like I had asked. I'll even admit, even though he did what he did, when he FINALLY left me alone after a period of time, I started to remember the good things about him and I started to miss the good parts of our relationship. The only reason I never went back to talk to him was because I was afraid the psycho, possessive, obsessive stuff would happen all over again...and that to me wasn't real love. Because he didn't back off like I had asked the first time, what was going to stop him from acting like that if I had ever gotten back with him.

 

A lot of relationships go through a "more in love" phase and a "not as in love phase" when you've been together for a long time. It doesn't mean it can't work out, it just means they need time apart to figure things out...alone. It doesn't sound like you messed it up totally for good. You made a mistake, but as long as it was only one mistake and you don't pull anything like that again, there's always a chance, but you have to leave her alone. As for the incident, you'd be surprised at what some time and distance can heal. She's not going to be angry with you forever. If you guys shared and had as great of a thing together as you say...it's only natural for her to one day miss you. I don't know if it will be a reconciliation miss, but I'm sure you'll get a phone call from her one day. If you play it cool (and I'm mean really cool and natural) when she calls, she may ask to meet and you can take it from there...but let her initiate it. If you come on strong, you'll freak her out again. My ex did it way too many times to the point where I felt like I hated him. It's a total turn-off when someone's too needy or disrespects someone's wishes.

 

One final note...If you love someone set them free...is something that is so true. If you prevent them from being free when they ask, it's not showing them that you love them. It tells them that you can't handle not being in control of a situation. A controling person is not someone one wants to be with. It tells a person that you don't care about their wants or needs and that you're putting your wants and needs first. That's not love. Love is selfless. If this girl really loves you (though she may be too angry to feel it now) she'll be back. It's just totally out of your hands at this point in time. You're just going to have to accept and deal with that. Don't call her, just leave her alone. Let her come to you when she's ready.

[Kanuk]

But it's been 2 monthsas of Sunday since she gave me the boot.

 

I have friedns who firmly believe the relationship was long over and she was just making excuses and trying to think of a way to get out of it. And i know it's possible, but she hasn't said a thing

 

I figured it was hopless after 4 weeks. So i sent an icq message that said

"I can't believe that after almost a year and a half together, after everything we've shared and gone thru that you can just toss me aside like this and not even give me an explanation, or tell me yourself that you don't want to see me anymore. I at least deserve that Heather.

 

I love you, and if you ever loved me, you at least owe that to me."

 

And i got ths in return and haven't heard a thing back since (got the mesage on december 1st)

 

"Im sorry, but you haven't exactly been making this easy. I think its best for both of us if we try and move on for now. I still don't think im ready to talk to you, but I will let you know when i am."

 

Still think she might come bacjk if i just give it time? A week after that, the 6th, i sent a message apologizing for the pressure and said i was stupid for not seeing she needed her space, and that she had it now. That She knwos i love her and want her back, and that i can't force her to do that, that she has to come to that decision on her own".

 

I went by her house last friday as arranged with ehr mother, to pick up some tools and stuff i left behind. My ex left nothing for me to pick up, no gifts of mine or cloathing that i had given her to remind her of me. I left a letter that detailed all my apologies and what i felt and wanted to get closure. I'm sure i was out of line in doing that, as i had already told her i was giving her space. But i kinda had to, for my iown mental health.

 

So, is it too late? Did i screw up too much like your ex did? I know no 2 people are The same, but i'd appreciate your personla view on the situation. I'm defianlty leaving her alone, but some people think i should just call and get it over with, cause she probably wont do it. Just get the answers and explanation for the breakup cause the ythink 2 months is more than enough time and that if she hasn't done it yet, she wont ever.

[sarah12]

Looks like Grace and I have been through similar situations. I also think that you should just completely leave her alone. She already gave you an answer as to what she wants right now, and you have to respect that. I think I have told you about my ex who also obsessed over me and totally disrespected my wishes to be left alone. I told him why I could not see myself dating him anymore and told him I needed time away from him, but he never gave it to me until I really had to force him to stop. He was harassing and I had no choice. Like Grace, it got to the point where I really hated him for causing so much disturbance in my life, not only to me, but to family and friends as well. And when he finally backed away, I could see the good in him. It's been over 8 months now and he has not completely backed off, but things are better. I think you need to learn to live without her, and really leave her alone like she has asked. You can't force something out of someone who doesn't want to give it to you.

 

You asked about whether or not to send her a Christmas card or something. I think you should not send her anything. First of all, since she didn't give you an explanation, she doesn't deserve it. Secondly, you have not given her any space, so by NOT sending her anything for Christmas, you can show her that you are giving her space.

 

good luck.

[Kanuk]

I was worried i'd hear that.

 

I've been trying to leave her alone, lord knows I have. But, i had to call her mother to confirm the pick up. My ex picked up instead. Even tjhough I blocked the nmber, and she never picks up the phone when it's a blocked number.

 

It was totally accidental, but it wont be viewed that way I'm sure. I want to give her what she wants, i want her to be happy. But i appear to be doing a ****ty job of it.

 

I think it's far too late for any hope at all. When i went there to pick up my things, she knew i was coming as i hadarranegd it weeks in advance. My ex actually skipped work that night and stayed at a friends house the night before and the night of to make sure she wouldn't see me or that I wouldn't run into her.

 

She must be freakin scared of me or something, or hate me so much that she doesn't even want to see me, or even be in the same area as me for fear of me trying to talk to her. And that hurts. It hurts so bad because I gave this women everything i had and everything I was for almost a year and a half of my life. And because i still love her and can't seem to stop. By rights, by the way she's treated me, i should hate her or something.

 

I must be retarded,.

[maxmuscle]

Kanuk,

 

You are not retarded. You are in love, but you have to pull yourself together. Nobody else can do it but you. You have to get it together ASAP! Try busting your A$$ to become successful. Do a pysique transformation, go to school, try opening up a business, try and get a better job. Do something to improve your self-worth and be relentess at it. That is what I am doing. I already have my MBA. I am trying to go into business for myself. I did a physique transformation. I look better than I ever did before. I am telling you, once you expereince some success, its makes you feel good. Your self esteem will rise. Your ex will see you one day full of confidence and accomplishments. She will start to second guess her decision.

[Kanuk]

I'v ealready done that, I'm about 4 months away from a mechancial Engineering degree. I already ahve a great phsyique, it was one of her favourite thinsg about me, she actually thought i was sexy. No, or at least fw, women have ever thoguht that about me.

 

I doubt i will ever see her again,she's 200 km away from me and i have no reason, let alone desire to travel back to that place unless I have to. It's a crappy city that only appeal to me was her. I don't think she will regret leaving me. Look at my decription of recent events. She thinks i'm a psycho, it's obvious. i mean come on, she skipped work and stayed at a friends house for 2 days just to avoid me.

 

She never missed work, not even when she was sick, she needed money that bad as she went to an american school (being canadian) and needed a lot of money cause of the poor exchange rate.

 

But it was worth missing work because of me. Because I must be so off base, so crazy and mentally unbalanced that she needs to avoid me for he rown safety.

 

You cannot posssibly know how badly that makes me feel. As if being left while still hopelessly inlove wsn't bad enough, now the person I still love, and can't stop loving thinks i am psychotic and trying to hurt her.

[maxmuscle]

No, I don't know how you feel, but I think you are exaggerating a little bit.

 

You made mistakes, everybody does. You was in love, so you did crazy things. People who are in-love do crazy things. I did! if you was as good to her as you say you was. She don't have a choice but to think about you in some form or fashion. Its not human for your ex not give any thought about the relationship. Believe me, she has thought about you, and stills thinks about you. You made some Ooooops, so its about what you are going to do from this point forward.

 

Learn to relax. You and her will cross paths again one day, so prepare yourself to be a confident person.

[Kanuk]

I said I'd like to believe I treated her well. I don't know if i ever did, and it would appear that I didn't because she hasn't said a eord to me in 2 months.

 

Unfortunalty, I know how's she's delt with her old problems. She wouldn't talk abotu her problems much with me, because she said she couldn't that she never did and it was hard for her. but she slowly opened up more as time went on.

 

But that's the way she's always delt with pain. She just ignores it until it goes away. Her parents devorcd, it didn't bother her because she just ignored it. Her last boyfreind, longest relationship before me too, told her one day that he didn't want to marry her, so the relationship was over. She said she felt bad for a day and then was back to nromal because she just didn't care.

 

All things that make me think she isn't even thinking about me. Just going abck to her old ways of ignoring the problem till it goes away.

 

She also said she never loved him and never once even said that to him. She used to think she was incapable of love. then she met me and freely told me, frequently hoe much she loved me. Even days before this breakup she said she loved me, unsolicited even, it wasn't even in response to an I love you from me. That makes me hope that you're right.

 

So much unknown just tears me up inside and her skipping work and staying at a friends to avoid me just made it worse. Makes me feel that she's afraid of me. Maybe she just sin't ready to talk to me, but it doesn't feel that way

[maxmuscle]

Kanuk

 

She doesn't hate you. She may have avoided to see you for several reasons;

 

Maybe to avoid her feeling for you.

Maybe to avoid explaining herself to you.

Maybe she needed more space alone.

 

You have to give her as much time as she needs. I don't care if its indefinite, you got to leave her alone. Let her contact you. If she doeson't contact you, then you know where you stand. But its not going to get better if you continue to run after her, you can try it, but your misery will last a looooong time.

[Grace]

It is out of your hands at this point. Since you two were together for 1-1/2 yrs, it's going to take more than a couple of months before she'll start to even miss you, especially cause you keep calling, hanging up, talking to her mother, iming her and whatever. You are not in control and stop trying to be in control of the situation. Until you realize that, you'll be a mess. I know you miss her, but you're going to have to chill for what could be 6 months, maybe more. Stop asking people what they think or their advice, because for every human that exists, you're going to get a different opinion. YOu can vent to people, tell them how much it hurts and everyone will try to help you feel better to get through a tough situation. But by focusing on yourself and going on with your life is when things start to happen for you.

 

I'm going through a similar situation with a guy right now. We broke up 3 months ago. I've totally left him alone, like he had asked. He asked me for space and I've respected that, because I love him. I won't call or email him or do anything. At first, I went crazy and cried constantly because I had absolutely no control and there was nothing I could do. If he wants me, he'll have to come to me now. Everyone said "If you haven't heard from him by now (it's been 2-1/2 mos), you probably won't ever hear from him again and he's probably moved on." They were all wrong. I heard from him this past week. It's been a long 2-1/2 months, but at least he contacted me for my birthday. I know that now he's starting to miss me, because I haven't stalked or bothered him.

 

You can't listen to other people because every single situation is different and it's only their opinion. It's not written in stone. There are men and women who break up all the time because they need space. Some of them come back, some of then don't. The ones that stalk or bother, never get them back. The ones that respect and leave the person alone, usually have a better chance. Due to the fact that you've bothered her even a little bit has pushed her back. If you had left her alone from the getgo, she may have called you by now. It's not too late...just stop it right now and cut all contact until she contacts you again. At least she returned your IM which shows she does care about you. She didn't put the sentimental stuff in the box, because she still does care for you and those are memories that mean something to her. Back off now before she hates you. Now just chill out and stop trying to figure it out. IT'S OUT OF YOUR HANDS. That's all you know. You can't get into her head and figure her out or it will drive you mad. She may not even know what she's feeling for you right now. That's why she needs her time and space...to figure it out.

[Kanuk]

I get the feeling no one believes me when I say I'm trying to leave her alone. Your words do make me feel a little better. I was more or less resigned to the fact that it was a hopeless cause. That she's not coming back ever and that she' hates me or is scared of me.

 

None of the contact I've had with ehr since the 6th has been intentional. All in all, i only tried to contact her 9 or 10 times over the 2 months, and they were clumped together, so it's not like i've constantly been trying to contact her. I know i know, any contact is bad. And I should have respected that from the get-go. The only reason i tried in the first place was because i thought it was hopeless and just wanted a simple answer to ease my mind.

 

It was a poor excuse and it got me no where, i was a moron for it. And I regret it constantly. Her response to my icq message, to me at least, was just to get me off ehr back, not because she cared. I think she didn't give any of the sentimental stuff back because she just packed it in a box and put it away (out of sight, out of mind) not because they mean something to her. But that theory is just as valid and quite possible. i could be she still sleeps with my teddy bear at night, i don't know. I some how doubt it though.

 

I pray and i wish every night that there will be a resolution to this, one way or another, soon. If i can't get her back, i just want her to tal to me and let me be free from the torment of my own imagination. You see, I'm an engineer. And as such, i analyze everythign to death till i get the answer. In the work force, it's a beneficial trait. Here, its a curse and sentence to living hell, because i can get no answer, this isn't a problem I can solve. It's her that holds all the answers, all the solutions, but my brain just wont shut off.

 

I'm trying though. Lord knows I'm trying. I haven't called or anything. I would have left my things at her place, but i needed them and they were too valuable that I couldn't just go out and replace them, they cost too much. So i felt I had to get them. Then again, she didn't have to stay away from the house, just stay in another room. Hell, i didn't even step inside, i just went to the garage and left the letter with her mother, i talked from the sidewalk and didn't even stand near the door.

 

It was origonalyl suposedot be a break, but i scrwed that up by going to her house the next day and calling many many times. She then, in her own mind, dumped me all together. I don't think she just needs more time, as far as she's told all of her friends (whome are finally voicing their honest opinioon of me, and it's not good) it's over. There is no more time and space she needs. It's just plain over. I'd like to believe otherwise, that she's regretting it. But it doesn't look that way. I know she has thought of me in the past, because i was told she was thinking abotu e-mailing me once or twice. But ever nothing came of it. I just wanted an explanation for the dumping.

 

But i have proven in spades that i know squat. All i can do is sit and wait and get on with things like you guys say. If it weren't for the call to her mother that she intercepted, i would have been 2 and a half weeks of no contact now. But i screwed up. I forgot her mothers phone number. It would appear that fate is against me.

 

But please believe me when i say i'm doing my best now to respect her wishes.

[maxmuscle]

Kanuk,

 

Its not about her wishes anymore. Is about YOU and only YOU. By some miracle, you have to forget HER and everything about HER. I believe in miracles. Listen dude, I have been in a realtionship with my ex for 3 years. We live together for 2 years. We split ways in October, thanks to her. I was devastated, but I had to pull it together for ME. Life goes on with or without your ex. I know you don't want to hear any of this, but its the trutth. I think about her every single day, but I try only to think about the good times. I don't think about who is she with or where have she been. That will kill my subconcious.

[Kanuk]

I'm tryuign to think of the good times if i think at all. But thinking of the good tiems makes me feel horrible, because I know she's out there having those good tiems again, but without me. I think abotu our trip to her cottage, or this thing we did or thiat, and i think about how fun it was an how great it was and how much I love her. But then i can't enjoy it as a god memory, cause i know it isn't going to happen again, that there wont be any more reat memories, no future with her.

 

I was really tired last night and went to bed at 11. Last time i looked at the clock it was 4 am, i did not get to sleep till 4 am because i was thinking, i tried to think of other things, but my mind was juts going a mile a minute. IT was worse last night than normal because today was my planned say to prupose to her.

 

When i finally did fall asleep. I had this hjorrible dream. I was on a city bus with her, her friend and one of my friends. She was kinda siting, lyeing back on a seat across from me. Every time i would try to look at her or wave or somethign, she always had a sad look on her face and a frown. She never talked back to me, if i waved, she would wave slowly back at me, the same way she did when she watched me leave the day she asked for a break (watched me drive away from the window in her house whil crying). When i tried to force a smile for her so she would smile back, she just frowned and shook her head. It trore my heart and my mind in two and I woke up bawling and couldn't sleep again.

 

These are down right nightmares. I can't escape this in waking or in sleeping. What the hell do I do? My only condolence is that once in a while, rarely i get a dream where we're back together and talking or hugging, but they don't useually end very well either, or at least don't last long enough for me to enjoy them. And when i wake up from them i realize it was just a dream and that breaks my heart even more.