What are my chances?

[Kanuk]

I dated this incredible women for almost a year and a half (15 months almsot ot hte day). Thisng's were always great, but i recently moved cities to finish up school, got a new job and other stuff. And her, being a fashion major, was always so busy with school and clothes designing, work etc that she never had any time to herslef or her friends.

 

Things were always incredible with her and i know that she is the one for me. She always told me that she was keeping me forever and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I was her longest relationship to date, and although she had sdated before i came along, she said she had never oved anyone. Her friends also told me that she had always said that she belived she could never love and would never get married. It just wasnt' who she was, they said that all changed when she met me.

 

Anyways, after the move, we saw each other on weekends, i'd make the 200km drive to her place and stayed over for the weekends. Things ueually went well, but over hte last 3 weekened visits or so we useually ended up with some sort of argument... useually my fault and centered around her cutting off any sexual relations at all (it'd been almost 2 months). I always asked, what can I do, what amd I doing wrong. She always said she foudn me attractive and stillw anted me, just never had the urge. I chalked it up to her being so busy and that in time it would pass.

 

One weekend she was so busy with an upcomign fashoon show that she told me to wait till the next weekend to come down, the actual weekend of the fashion show. So i got the friday off work and planned on coming down to be with her for a long, 3-day weekend.

 

I descided to come down early that friday mornind and suprise her with breakfast in bed. She always said that one of her favourite things was selleping next to me and wakign up next to me. Thsi is where things all went wrong. In my attempt to suprise her (she had given me a spare ey to her house) I couldn;'t sleep the night before, so ended up driving down and getting there at about 4 in the morning. I went to let myself in but found out althoguht i coudl unlock the door with the key, she had a chain lock on the door as well. Instead of this detering me as it should have, I just used my engineering wit to get around it and undo the chain.

Since she loved wakign up next to me, i crawled in to bed with her and went to sleep.

 

When she woke up she was suprised to see me for sure, but didn't SEEM bothered by it. She was curious about how i managed teo get in, i cheerfully told her and didn't hold anythign back. SHe still didn't seem bothered about it and i made her that breakfast i planned. She got to work preparing for her fashion shwo later that day. Things were hectic and she didn't say much to me all day long. She thought it was best if i missed the firday show so she could see how things went and go tt eh saturday show instead so she could possibly sit in the audience with me. I don't think she said mroe that 20 words to me that day. I just guessed that she was busy.

 

Anyways, when she finally came home from that fashion show we went strait out to a friedn of hers place for a party, liek we had planned. We went inside and right away she sat down across the room from me. There wasn't anymore room ont he couch, so i didnt btoher to sit next to her. I was starting to get the impression that she was becomeing distant on purpose.

 

Later, she went off to another room and talekd with 2 of her friends. Apparently about problems that one of said friends was having. I thouth nothing of it. But after an hour of sitting at the party watching friends of hers play Xbox she still hadn't talked to me. I finally started to get upset I had traveed all this way to see her and she was ignoring me completly. I went to talk to her about it. She said somethign along the lines of "sorry so and so has problems and we're talking about it"

 

I brought up the fact i was upset i had traveled all this way and not gotten to see her for more than 10 minutes all day long. She started to complain that she never got to see her friends cause she was so busy. I pushed it too far and we ended up having a long talk that could be described as a calm fight or argument. I realize now that i should have let her be with her friends cause quite honestly, she did never see them. ANny free time she had, i expected her to spend it with me. I was quite the jerk.

 

Anyways, then she dropped the bomb on me. She wanted to go on a break to sort things out and that she needed some space. I thoguht this was a horrible idea. She said it was because she'd never been in a relationship liek this and she didn't know hwo to work things out. She thoguht we had tried everythign else (We never even really talked about our problems) and wanted to try this to save our relationship.

 

We stayed there that night and went back to her place the next day. She didnt really talk to me that morning. When we got back to her place, she finally talked. I anted to know if she wanted me to stay and go to her fashion show that evening, she eventually said no, you better leave now. Things got emotional and I told her i didnt want the break, and told her i figured she was just using this as an excuse to get out of the relationship. She swore, quite convincingly and sincerly, that she loved me and still wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. She said "No, I'm keeping you forever".

I eventualy conceded and started to make the trip back home. She wanted em to call hr when i got there to make sure I had made the trip home safely. When I called her, i asked 'how long is this going to last, weeks, months?" She said she didn't know and that was the last time i talked to her on good terms. She also said that she would call me after work the next day to talk about it.

 

That night, i do what most guys do, i got drunk with my friend and pined over her. Here's where i started t really scrw up (As if breaking into her house wasn't good enough). When i got home, all drunk and thinking stupidly, i called her.. again and again at home and on her cell. She never picked up once. The next mornig i called some more times and eventually left a message saying i was coming down to pick up some things i left behind and drop off her spare keys that she had given me. I also said I wanted to talk. I found out when the phone bill came in that i had called her a total of 20 times between the night before and that morning. I even had gotten worried why she wasn't answering her phone that I called her work and her friends house to hopefulyl find out she was okay.

 

Anyways, i made the trip down and she wasn't home. I let myself in and got my things and dropped off the spare key. Just as i was getting back into my car her friends pulled into the driveway and she was in the backseat of the car. She didn't look happy at all. She immediatly wanted her key back. I told her i wanted to talk, she said "You need to go home, not call, and not come back" I asked her,

 

'You can't be serious'

she replied "I am"

I said "Look, i need to talk about this, i can't eat or sleep, this is really bothering me"

She said "well, you're freaking me out! Did you think if i didn't pick up the phone the first time, I'd pick it up the other 10 times!?"

 

She didn't say anythign else, just got back into the car. I yelled to her "But ****, I love you!". She didn't even look just stared straight ahead and they drove away.

 

I went home again, another 200 kms. I left a message on er cell apologizing for what I did and telling her how stupid i had been and begging for forgiveness.

 

This was all on the second last weekend of October, 6 weeks ago.

 

I've heard precious little from her since then.

 

Friends of mine told me that the next day or so she was telling her friends that it was over. My friends told her she should talk to me, she said she would probably call me in a couple of days... that was 5 weeks ago. On Halloween, my frieds were out with her and talked about it a little. They told her that if it's over, then she should tell me herself. She said "How can he possibly not know it's over?". Apparently her friends were all telling her that she should dump me and leave me be. When one of my friends said to the group of her and her friends that When i borke into her house, i was just trying to be romantic and make breafats in bed etc, that they all kind of laughed at that.. Her included.

 

I still saw her online on MSN messenger. I left a couple of messages in the first week (5 i think) saying i wanted to reconcile things. She never replied. And then I haevn't seen her online sicne. She's obviously bloked me so I can't see when she's online or send messages.

 

After about 2-1/2 - 3 weeks i heard a rumor from a friend. She had told one of her friends that she was thinking about e-mailing me.

 

I waited 3 weeks without contacting, and after much debate with my friends sent an e-mail that said. Look, i need to know if you still love me or if I should try to move on with my life. Please get back to me. I waited 5 days and then called her. She said she was busy watching a show. Always a bad sign. I aksed her if she got the e-mail, she said yes. To me that was good news, it ment that she hadn't blocked me out completly. I aksed her if she was going to respond. She said yes. I asked ehr when, weeks, months? She said she didn't know. I ended the conversaition with "ell, i guess it was pretty stupid for me to call you, I'll leave you alone now". I don't remember if she said goodbye or not. I was pretty upset.

 

My friends met up with her in a bar. She asked about me and what I was saying. My friend, stupidly, mentioned something out of context. I had said, in the first couple of days of the breakup, that If only i could find a way to be mad at her or hate her, it would make it so myuch easier to get over her, but i can'thate her, she'd perfect. So my fiend told her "oh, he's trying to find a way to hate yuo so he can get over you easier. Apaprently she said "Well i hope he can find a way to hate me then so its easier on him". NOT GOOD! She then volunteered the information that she would proabably call me soon. this was abot 2 weekends ago.

 

I waited.. 2 weeks passed and still nothing from her. I left her an icq message last week saying

 

"I can't believe that after almost a year and a half together, after everything we've shared and gone thru that you can just toss me aside like this and not even give me an explanation, or tell me yourself that you don't want to see me anymore. I at least deserve that ****.

 

I love you, and if you ever loved me, you at least owe that to me."

 

And I actually got a reply

 

She wrote

"Im sorry, but you haven't exactly been making this easy. I think its best for both of us if we try and move on for now. I still don't think im ready to talk to you, but I will let you know when i am."

 

Now here I am. i wrote a few more messages saying somethign along the line of I'm sorry for trying to pressure you into talking to me. I know you know how i feel, that i love you and that I want you abck. but I can't make you love me, that's somethin gyou have to come to on your own. and a little more. I told her she wanted her space and that I was going to give it to her.

 

My problem is that she says that I'm not makig "this" easy. I don't know what this is... Are we over forever? or just on that break se wanted. She has still not told me, 6 weeks later, that it's over. She just told me to move on for now.

 

Should i read into it that "for now" means for ever, it's over, leave me alone. OR does it mean exactly that. Does for now mean for now move on with things, we'll see where we are in a while.

 

She claims that she'll contact me when she's ready... I'm worried that now I'm gone, she'd finally go that time to her friends and wont want to come back. I'm pretty sure she still cares and still loves me, or else she would have no trouble comeing right out and saying "it's over leave me alone!"

 

What do you guys think my chances are of getting her back? What should I do? Should I leave her alone like I said I would. I can accept it if she desn't want me anymroe. I love her more than life itself and would do that for her if it would make her happy, but in order to do that, i NEED to hear from her that that is exactly what she wants. Not this ambiguous move on for now stuff.

 

How long should i wait for her to call before making contact and demanding, polightly, for answers? Should I even believe her that she will call?

 

Is she just sorting things out for herself (Ladies, please help me here). I know she's writing exams now, so she probably doesn't even think about me at all. I'm scared ****less that that is true. Cause i know how I feel, and I think about her all the time. So if she doesn't think abotu me, then that means she doesn't care anymore.

 

I'm trying to move on, but it's not easy. And I can't forget her, and I want her back so badly. I hjavent even been told that it's over, unless you read between the lines on the move on for now message. I don't think that I should HAVE to read between the lines on something this seriosu.

 

I wrote a 5 page letter, that details all of my apologies and what I want to hear from her. And that I love her so much that I'm willing to leave her alone forever if she wants that. And it says that I'mw aiting for her to make the next move. the problem is that liek i said before, i sent a short ICQ message already that more or less says all of that. So, should I still give her the letter?

 

I have to travel down there this Friday to write an exam. I've arranged with eher mother to stop by the house and pick up some things of mine that were left behind. My ex knows i'm coming down, and he rmother tells me that she's not going to be there. She's supposed to work that day at that tiem anyways. But I'm thinking her mother ment that she's not going to be ther eon purpose, another bad sign.

 

Anyways. I want her back more than anything. What we had was incredible. Did I just scare her away? What should i do about the letter? I think I've given her space, but I have contacted, or at least tried to contact her, about 12 times in the last 6 weeks. With nothing from her except that message. She hasn't even called to check up on me. Something that I take as another bad sign.

 

What do you guys think? And opinions and advice is welcomed and appreciated. I still love her dearly, regarldess of this treatment over the last 6 weeks.

[lost_in_chgo]

Been there done that.

 

Well... except for the psycho stuff.

 

 

 

Back off. It is probably too late already, but you are not going to resolve this by continuing to approach her. You've gone way over the line.

 

Read this:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=128204#post128204

 

no, read the whole thread.

[Kanuk]

If she loved me wouldn't she forgive me?

Or is what I did really unfogivable? She did, after all, give me a key to her place. To me that ment i was welcomed to come in whenever. I know that when i gave her keys to my place that's exactly what i implied.

 

I would have thought that she could have cooled down and seen past the ****ty thing i did. (no one knows more than me how ****ty it was).

 

But you're echoing pretty much what most people have told me. I frigged up bad. Most people say that it could be forgiven cause i had good intentions. I dunno.

[lost_in_chgo]

It's about space. She wants it you have to give it.

If you don't you will keep pushing her away, no matter how good your intentions.

It isn't about what you want.

[Kanuk]

Yeah, i know i need to give her that space but as someone else said

 

While I understand the the fear and insecurity and stress she is going thru, I can't be her bitch either.

 

 

I love her and would do anything for her, even drop out of her life completly if she wanted that. But i do need to be told what she wants in more or less exact terms. I don't like this 'i don't want to be with you now, but i want to leave the window open for the future'

 

It could be that's waht she wants, it could be that she just can't sum up the courage to say go away. could be she just doesn't know what she wants.

 

Every case i read about on this forum of somone breaking up had some level of communication from the person doing the dumping. Until i more or less demanded an answer from her, she didn't contact me once. I was the one doing the talking.

 

She hasn't even im'd me to ask how i'm holding up or anything. Is that a REALLY bad sign, or am I looking too much into it?

[lost_in_chgo]

Everything you are saying is about your feelings, not hers.

 

You have to back off.

You are coming on way too strong.

 

If you continue, you are just going to drive her away.

 

Read and follow the links here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=132993#post132993

 

If you don't get this, you are going to end up with a restraining order slapped on you.

You're already over the edge.

[midori]

you've been given very good advice. You must stop contacting her for now.

 

While I understand the the fear and insecurity and stress she is going thru, I can't be her bitch either.

 

Her choice is to have no contact with you right now. That is entirely her choice and there is nothing you can do to alter that. Here's where your choice comes in: you can a) stay in limbo, waiting, wondering, beating yourself up, consulting psychic hotlines and asking mutual friends to keep tabs on her, or b) you can distract yourself by keeping busy with other things, and start to move on.

 

No one is asking you to be her "bitch" -- not even her. If she is expecting you to wait until she gets things sorted out enough to at least offer an explanation, that is not an expectation you need to fulfill.

 

You're not responsible for keeping a candle in the window. Right now the sensible, logical (but granted unemotional) choice is to move on. If you start to move on and then she decides that she wants to talk, or wants you back, she'll have to chase you a bit. It might never come to that, but if it does would that be a bad thing?

 

She is not in your life right now except through wishful thinking. To live your life as if she were in it, or will soon return to it, would probably be a mistake.

[rowina]

hi. some people are right. and i am guilty of behaving as you, waiting, wanting to know what my chances are. i have been checking out this sight, looking for people in situations like me. and then i found your post. it sounds like mine. people have given us the same advice.

 

i think it is time we try a little to listen to them. oviously we are smart enough to look for advice. how about trying it?

 

you have to give her time, to look at her life and where she wants to be. and you have to build your life too. you cant predict the future as it has been told to me hundreds of times.

 

give her time. else you will only make her run further away. no one can say how much time, but it is also time for yourself. just you.

[sarah12]

You have to stop! Just stop nowww.. I couldn't even finish reading the rest of your thread because it brought back so many memories. I have been on the other end of your situation - although I did give him reasons - but I have been on the receiving end of the craziness and am still going through it and it is NOT FUN. You have GOT to leave her alone NOW. If you don't stop now, you're going to drive yourself crazy for the next year!!

 

Every case i read about on this forum of somone breaking up had some level of communication from the person doing the dumping. Until i more or less demanded an answer from her, she didn't contact me once. I was the one doing the talking.She hasn't even im'd me to ask how i'm holding up or anything. Is that a REALLY bad sign, or am I looking too much into it?

 

The reason she hasn't wanted to talk to you is because she can't! You're pushing her away by pressuring her. She can't have a decent conversation with you because you are not being rational right now. How can you have a conversation with someone who reasons everything with "but I love you" and keeps demanding from her?? It is a lot to handle - believe it or not. It is a lot of stress and she would prefer if you could be calm before having a discussion!!! She isn't asking you how you are doing because she KNOWS. It is obvious to everyone how you are doing - you are not doing well and you have not attempted to try another approach to things. Your situation is a bit different though because she never gave you reasons, but from the looks of it, if you keep things up with the icqing, emailing, etc, then you will never get an answer. She said that she would talk to you when SHE'S ready..what I think she means is when she thinks YOU are ready.

 

I think it is time you looked for other ways to comfort your broken heart..she hasn't given you answers and you cannot expect them from her at this point..she should have given you some reasons..but I guess this is her way of telling you to move on. And you can't expect her to help you get over her..you have to learn that on your own..

 

I'm sorry but I hope that this helps...I know that if someone sat my ex down and told him all this, he may be a bit better off right now..but he isn't..and I've tried everything in the world from talking to him calmly to yelling at him flat out..and he still isn't over me..

 

Best of luck to you..

[BROKENHEARTEDONE]

I feel really bad for you, but I agree with the other advice given.

 

You sound like a truly NICE guy. You have put your heart and soul into this relationship and for whatever reason, your girlfriend (ex?) has not. She is either unwilling or unable and however crappy that is, it's life!

 

She actually seems rather nasty. Although she has asked you for space, (and you haven't done a great job of giving her that, admittedly) she really has not treated you very nicely AT ALL! The trip to see her and your idea of surprising her with breakfast in bed were very, very nice! This is coming from an old married woman of 11 years....

 

She seems to have serious commitment issues! She says she wants to keep you forever, but really - she sure isn't acting like it! Actions speak louder than words.

 

You should spend less time apologizing and thinking that YOU screwed up - maybe you were a little overzealous, but guess what? People in love get kind of crazy, sometimes. She could really have put a little more effort into explaining her feelings to you, especially given the length of time you have spent together.

 

My advice is - focus on YOU!!! Take care of you now, move on. YOU deserve better!!! There is someone out there...

[lost_in_chgo]

Sarah12 -

You bring up an interesting point about her waiting until she thinks he is ready.

I have a couple questions for you since you seem to have had that attitude with your ex. I'm not trying to be accusatory, though these question may sound that way. Just trying to clarify the attitude of a woman who breaks up with a guy and won't talk about it. (I realize you did talk to him in your case.) In my case, I was given a variety of reasons, non of which seemed to justifyy the breakup, and have since learned the real reason.

So...

1) Did you get some feeling of power or control from trying to manage his feelings? Or was it simply a means of protecting yourself from your own feelings? Somethings else?

2) Did you feel guilty about making him feel bad? Did the guilt affect your ability to deal with him in a straightforward fashion?

3) Did you think things would have gone differently if you had provided him some additional contact to allow him to gradually tone down his feelings. It seems that guys take things much harder when they are completely cut off without any reason. This seems to be the common thread when the guy goes over the edge toward forced appraoches and violence.

4) What "other approach" would you recommend?

5) A year and a half is a long time for a relationship like this to just fold up. Any thought on what would cause a woman to suddenly fold up the tents and walk away without an explanation?

6) Did you already have another guy when you broke it off with the ex? Was that the reason you wouldn't talk to him? Or was it really your concern for him?

 

 

Kanuk -

Have you considered that maybe she has found another guy? This would account for the reaction to surprising her in bed. Imagine if the guy had been there. You might consider calling before breaking and entering.

[sarah12]

..and I do not feel that you are accusing me..I think it is good that I can help you guys out and it is good for me to think about it and to vent maybe a bit

Also, don't take these answers as being the same ones that your ex's may give you or may be feeling. As I think I have told you, my ex was a "extreme"...

 

1) Did you get some feeling of power or control from trying to manage his feelings? Or was it simply a means of protecting yourself from your own feelings? Somethings else?

No I do not try to have any power over anyone, especially not by managing their feelings. I will take the "something else" option. Let me explain. I did feel very very badly initially that I had hurt him, because I knew he would not take it well at all. And he didn't. However, once he crossed the line by disrespecting my wishes to have some time off from him, I just got frustrated. I told him to give me time to get over him, but he gave me more than that - he made me get over him by seeing how he could be so disrespectful to my wishes. As much as he loved me and told me how important I was in his life, he couldn't love me enough to want me to be happy, nor did he seem to ever think about how *I* wasn't happy in the relationship anymore and therefore wanted to end it.

 

2) Did you feel guilty about making him feel bad? Did the guilt affect your ability to deal with him in a straightforward fashion?

I did initially feel bad but once he started stalking me, I found it hard to feel bad in the same sense. I started feeling bad that he was so dependent and couldn't put himself together. I'm a bit confused by your second question...so I will tell you that I felt very guilty in the begining about breaking up with him...but once he started crossing the line, I had to be straightforward with him and tell him to stop. I tried every possible way to tell him to please just give me time b/c I could not talk to him while he was not over me. He gave me MY time, but he proceeded to bother all my friends, and stalk me through them, and even through other people that I did not know. To this day, he has not stopped.

 

3) Did you think things would have gone differently if you had provided him some additional contact to allow him to gradually tone down his feelings. It seems that guys take things much harder when they are completely cut off without any reason. This seems to be the common thread when the guy goes over the edge toward forced appraoches and violence.

Things might have gone diffferently..but I still think we needed at least some time apart in order to reflect on things so that we could talk rationally. He never gave me even one day of rest. I got daily phone calls, at which he would keep pleading.

4) What "other approach" would you recommend?

I mentioned for kanuk to take a different approach b/c the way he is going about things is not working. The approach I would recommend is to stop contacting altogether. And she may come around, whether to say that she wants you back or she would like to still be friends. Had my ex done that I would still be friends with him now. I have told him though that we cannot be friends b/c he is not over me. He asks me how I can tell that he is not over me, and I tell him it is just too obvious. He knows this, yet he still does not stop stalking me through friends/strangers. If she doesn't come around in time, well, then you know she wasn't who you thought she was, and that you should move on. Your next question will probably be asking me how long it should take? I really can't say for all relationships, since some are longer than others, and some are more serious than others. For mine, if I was given some time away from him, and he truly was using the time to get himself together, I would say maybe 4-5 months. I'd probably email him after 4 months or so if we had absolutely no contact up until then.

5) A year and a half is a long time for a relationship like this to just fold up. Any thought on what would cause a woman to suddenly fold up the tents and walk away without an explanation?

To be honest, in my relationship, things went quickly down the tube b/c I realized that I didn't like who I was when I was with him. It was a strange realization, and I was not happy with it at all b/c it made me question myself and our relationship. I thought we were so happy, I thought I was so happy, but I had to pull myself apart from the relationship and really look at who I was. I am young and I am still learning and developing who I am..he wasn't allowing me to do that, and I knew that I couldn't be held down by him much longer b/c then I would just stop growing. I don't know if this makes any sense. I was really upset though when I realized all this..but for me..once I make a decision, and I have everything thought out, there is no going back. Especially on a big issue like this. I have a very good instinct about people, and the one I had about my ex was right - he would collapse without me and would never learn to be independent until I let him go and be independent. I truly want him to learn to be on his own and learn to love himself and learn what he wants for himself. I want this for all my friends, and really anyone that I know, not just him. Of course it is not good to be too independent, but there are a few people in my life who I feel need to do some growing up, and he is one of them.

6) Did you already have another guy when you broke it off with the ex? Was that the reason you wouldn't talk to him? Or was it really your concern for him?

I dated after we broke up, not seriously though. I wouldn't say that I was on the rebound because I didn't miss having someone. I met a guy who was incredibly independent, the opposite of my ex, and we just found that we were not compatible, and I think we were too independent of each other anyhow. Dating someone new wasn't the reason I didn't talk to the ex. I stopped talking to the ex before I met the new person. But once I started dating again, I will admit that I did not want the ex to know (or anyone else for that matter until it became something serious, which it never did). I didn't want the ex to know because I was afraid for his safety - in all honesty, I think he would have hurt himself or done something terrible if he knew I was dating someone, even if it wasn't serious. Had he not been in such a terrible shape, I would have told him.

 

I hope this helps.

[lost_in_chgo]

As much as he loved me and told me how important I was in his life, he couldn't love me enough to want me to be happy, nor did he seem to ever think about how *I* wasn't happy in the relationship anymore and therefore wanted to end it.

 

Or perhaps he was just overwhelmed by his feelings? As you were concentrating on your needs, he was concentrating on his

 

 

I did initially feel bad but once he started stalking me, I found it hard to feel bad in the same sense.

 

Understandable. Stalking you is maybe an extreme description though. Stalking is a very specific legal charge for a very specific set of actions, that he hasn't done. He's closely monitoring you, for emotional reasons no doubt, and using your friends to gather info and confront you with it. None of which he has a right to do. I'd ask the friends to keep quiet. He does have a right to ask after you, but shouldn't be tracking your movements in detail.

 

 

I didn't want the ex to know because I was afraid for his safety - in all honesty, I think he would have hurt himself or done something terrible if he knew I was dating someone, even if it wasn't serious.

Wise. I'd worry about the new guy's safety more so. and your own.

 

Well, hopefully your answer give everyone perspective.

[sarah12]

Or perhaps he was just overwhelmed by his feelings? As you were concentrating on your needs, he was concentrating on his

In all honesty, I was worried about him a lot. As I mentioned the dependency issue - for his sake, I realy wanted him to learn to be independent because I was concnered that if he didn't learn this at our age, he would have a much harder time later on. I was honestly thinking about him in this sense, but I don't think he thought of what I wanted in the same way. I know that he was overwhelmed but after having had some time, he should be able to understand that this was the best for the both of us. I'm not saying that he should have gotten over me in 2 weeks' time or something, but that after sometime, one should be able to realize that there is a difference between wanting something and knowing what is best.

I'm sorry I can't express myself more clearly on this..I wish I could.

Stalking you is maybe an extreme description though

I agree. Sorry for using that terminology..it realy just feels like it most of the time.

 

Wise. I'd worry about the new guy's safety more so. and your own.

Actually, the new guy did not seem to care. He is very independent and for him, having someone in his life is never essential..again i don't know how to express myself except to say that there is never someone "in" his life..he feels that they must be exogenous to his lifestyle. We parted ways on good terms.

[Kanuk]

All good advice to be sure. And I was trying to leave her alone, but sometimes my emotions got the best of me.

 

I didn't contact her for almost a month (just a little over 3 weeks) and then i sent an 2 sentance e-mail to see what the heck was going on. I followed that up half a week later with a phone call. then i left her alone for 2 more weeks before sending the icq message to say "look, i need to know".

 

Then i got the message to "move on for now, i'll talk to you when i'm ready".

 

Whil i admittedly wasn't leaving her alone, i thought that 3 weeks without any contact was more than enough time to get up the courage to talk to me. I know it was selfish for me to be thinking about myself, but i had to pretect myself too, or so I thought.

 

The relatonship was great up until that weekend, i still have random messages almost up to the day of the incident that she would send me saying how much she loved me. I don't think there was or even is another guy because she's not that type of person. And my friends would have told me if there was cause they still hang out with her once in a while. That and she was too busy for even me, whome she claimed to love more than anything... so i guess i believe her when she said she just wanted space.

 

I know i can't do anything about it, but everyone in my situation knows that you want to try anythign you can to fix it.

 

It's hard for me because i know that for the most part, i was trying to be the best boyfriedn ever. My brain took a vacation for a moment and I f-ed up. I keep kicking myself cause all i had to do when i talked to her the night before was say "I don't want to wake you up when i get to your place, so please don't put the chain on the door".

 

I am being selfish, I admit it. I want forgiveness for what I did, good intentions or not. I want to talk it over. At the same time, i know most of you wont believe me when I say this but, I want her to be happy and I want her to be able to deal with this and I want to give her the space and time she needs to cope with what's happening.

 

At least i don't think I'm stalking her. I ask my friends once in a while if they've heard anything, or if she's doing allright. I haven't sent any messages in a week. The last one i sent was the 10th time I've tried to contact her in these 6 and a half weeks. I said,

 

"Look, I've been thinking about how I've been acting, and I'm sorry for pressuring you so much. You know who I am, you know what I've done for you, what you've done for me and who I am to you and how much I care about you. You know I want you back and that I always have and always will love you. I just have so many things that I want to say to you and apologize for that I panicked and wanted to talk to you. Please forgive me for being so pushy.

 

I'm just sorry for everything I've done. I don't ever expect to hear from you again, but please, find it in your heart to forgive me.

 

You want your space. I guess you have it now. Sorry i was too stupid to realize it before that you wanted and/or needed it.

 

Perhaps we'll see each other again in the future. I want to be a part of your life, I want to be with you again, but that's a descision that you have to come to. I can't force you to love me. Goodbye Heather. I love you more than you'll ever know."

 

I don't think I said anything wrong in that message. And it's the last one I'm going to send. She knows where I am if she wants to get me. I don't think I could ever be "just friends" with her. We weren't friends before we started dating, and for me to be with her and not be able to hold her would be like hell on earth. And if I saw her with another guy, well that would just kill me inside.

 

I wanted to make her happy and gave her what she wanted to, but i also was trying to protect my mental health at the same time. I wanted an explanation. It was selfish, i know. One of the many things I'm sorry for but can't tell her.

 

Yeah, i know i screwed up, and I'm still screwing up right now.

 

And now I'm

[Kanuk]

Don't know if I mentioned this yet or not, but I knew a time when she wouldn't be at home (her work schedual is very predicatble) so I called her mother and asked if I could come by and pick up my stuff that I had left behind (the value was too great to just buy new things to replace the old, so I thought it best to get them).

 

Liek I said, her work scedual is predicatable. I have an exam in the same city (remember, i live 200km away) this Friday and she happens to work every Friday night. So i arranged it with her mother to pick the stuff up when my ex was away at work. This was about 4 weeks in to the breakup... i don't think I did anything wrong, but let me know if you think my gf would see it as wrong. I also asked her mother to tell her I was sorry for what i did.

 

I called a week and a half later to adjust the "appointment" and give her mom a better idea of the time I'd be coming around to pick the things up. I asked her if my ex new I was coming and her mom said "yes, she's not going to be here". I know that she shouldn't be there cause she should be at work, but i perceive this as my ex is lanning on not being at the house all day and all night just in case I descide to come over. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I don't know.

 

I wrote letter lte last week. It pretty much says what my last icq message to her said but in much more detail. Tells her I'm sorry for what I did on the weekend, and sorry for smothering her thruought the relationship. She didn't like that we didn't go out much anyore, so i explained why that was and that I was planning on changing that when i got some more money. It tells her that I will let her go out of my life completly if she asks me to, but i also say that i need to know what her decision is for my own well being.

 

Should I give this letter to her mother to give to my ex, or should I not bother and just leave it be with the last message I sent her.

 

Also, I have all of the momento's and gifts that she ever gave me packe dup in a box in my closet. I can't stand to look at these things (pictures, ticket stubbs, old dried out roses that I gave her, she saved and then gave back to me on our anniversary in July, things she made etc)

 

I've put them away, but just knowing they're there hurts cause it makes me think of what I lost. I even pulled out the old photo album and looked. that brought up the good memories of our relationship, but ultimatly mad me sad cause I knew that as great as those memories were, I can't enjoy them. I think about what I lost and how great she was and how badly i screwed up.

 

I've been told to just throw them out, but I can't bring myself to do that... And what if she DOES come back and i did throw them out (I know, i'm holdnig on to a fools hope). I was thinking about droppig the box off at her house when i pick up my things with a letter saying something like "You can give these things back when and if you ever want to get back together, but i can't keep these things if we don't."

 

I've also thought about leaving a single rose for her, or a single gerber daisy (her favourate).

And i don;t think i'll be able to resist asking her mother how she's doign and if she's said anything about me, or if she's started seeing anyone yet (don't think I'll ask that last question, but I am curious). It's nto liek I'm going to grill her for info on her daughter, just pcik the stuff up and ask quickly "well, has she said anything about me". I don't think she would talk to her mother about it really, but maybe.

 

When she was young, she had a carebear toy that she lost and she loved it dearly, when she told me of this, i went back home and got a carebear that I had when i was (not the exact same one, but a carebear all the same) young and I gave it to her. She always slept with it when i wasn't around cause she said it reminded her of me. I was in the store the othr day and saw a childs bathtub toy that was the carebear that she used to have and th carebear that I gave her together on the toy. I was thinking about giving this to her. Bad idea?

 

What should I do about any of these things. Go thru it like a check list if you like. This is all going down on Friday, so the sooner you can get back the better. The yall sound liek good ieas, but I know that I have to give her space. but like I said, like anyone in my situation, i want to try anythign i can to get her back. Sometimes the best coure of action is to do nothing i suppose.

 

If none of my idead sound good, is there anything you guys can think of that i could do? I'm not really contacting her, but she may perceive it as me bugging the hell out of her, if she doesn't already think that way as it is.

[Kanuk]

Something else i wanted to ask, particularily of the ladies who frequent this forum;

 

When we were together, Things were great from both sides. There was always lots of love, and i treated her ike a queen. (I know now that women say they want a sweet sensitive guy, but they also want the caveman who will club them over the head and drag them back to the cave too). I did everythign for her that I could.

 

I later found out that some of the things i did annoyed her. i.e- I found ot from mutual friends (within the first days of the breakup when I'm sure she was still really pissed) One day she was braiding her friends hair, one of those full head braidings that takes 10 hours. I called that day to say hi and see how things were going. Th call was very short cause she said she was busy with the hair. We said the usual I loves you and i went about my day. Later on that night i igured I'd shwo up and bring them all some ice cream and stuff. I useually spent my weekends there anyways, so i stuck around. I didn't bother them, i stayed out of their ay and in a diffrent room till they were done

 

I found out now that that night pissed her off becuase she said that she was busy and i stil came over. She said that if i ever did things that upset her, she wouldn't tell me, she would just let them slide. This event was the exmple she used, so my friend told me.

 

Anyways. The long and the short of it is, I tried to do everythign i coudl to make her happy but obviosul some things that I did, good intentions or not, she didn't like. But she never told me, she just let it slide'.

 

Until and including the breakup she still swore that she loved me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me (then i showed up the next dasy to pick up my stuff and she blew up at me). We never really fought AT ALL until the last month of the relationship and only a tiny bit when we did. I never cheated on her, never hit her or verbally abused her, i nevereven swore when she was around. Heck, i never even yelled at her in the entire time we were together. I believe i treated her like she was a queen, the way she deserved to be treated.

 

If i leave her alone, do i stand a chance of getting her back. There is obviously a lot of love. I still lover her dearly, and i think she still loves me too. Or at least cares, and that's why she hasn't just yelled at me to f'-off yet.

[moimeme]

She said that if i ever did things that upset her, she wouldn't tell me, she would just let them slide.

 

Ah. The 'time bomb' partner. You do NOT want to be in a relationship with a person like that. As you have already found out, they don't work on problems. They refuse to confront problems, let them build up, and then drop you. She's not going to change and she'll do it again.

 

RUN FAST from this person and look for somebody who has enough commitment to you to work problems out.

[Kanuk]

well, i always tried to get her to open up to me. She always said that that's what her family was like, you just didn't talk abotu your problems. But i inisited, and over hte course of the 15 months we dated she did open up more and more. I wasn't trying to change her, but I saw it as she was trying to change herself cause she wanted things to work.

 

I guess she didn't open up enough cause look what happened. But you have to admit, i did f-up quite badly, so she has a right to be mad. But I still love her deeply, I've been around a bit (not in the slutty way, but i've dated my share of women) and there isn't another person out there like her. Nor did I ever care for anyone as much as I cared and still care for her. She is incredibly unique... believe me on that. Her.. 'wierdness' is what attracted me to her in the first place, not to mention being quite attractive as well.

 

She is very special to me and i was actually going to propose at christmas. She's only 21, and may have caught wind of this and maybe it scared her away a little. She did, after all, say she wanted to spend more time with her friends. And I know when I was 21 I wanted to party a lot too. I'm only 23 now, but I'm not like that anymore, and I can see how she would want to live like a 21 year old before settling down. I dare say I love her more than life itself and the thought of spending the rest of my life without her is a scary thought to me. If she wants that though, then who am I to argue?

 

I do still want to marry her, and i think she still loves me, other people have told me as much since the breakup. One person said, "Yeah, i'm pretty sure she still loves you, but sometimes love isn't enough. Jon Lennon was wrong". And when my firends went out to dinner with her friends they talked briefly about us (this was about 2-3 weeks ago). Her friend apparently said something along the lines of :

 

"It's not like she dosn't love him anymore or that their time together didn't mean anything to her. it's just that..." And then my friend forgot what the rest of the sentence was. But she swears it sounded good, or at least didn't sound bad.

 

I was wondering if the women folk out there, considering what i did to her (disrespect her space, essentially break into her house (even though I had a spacre key) and have a fight with her). and also what we had prior to this, if they think I have a chance of her forgiving me and taking me back.

 

Also, don't forget the previous posts. I know they're long, but i had a lot onmy mind. Anythign anyone is willing to contribute is more than appreciated.

 

I have no dount that she loed me before and that it wasn't infatuation. I have so manythings and memories to let me know it was love indeed. I just wonder if after how badly i screwed up, will her love be enough to get her over this and back to me?

[CanadianBornCutie]

Originally posted by moimeme

Ah. The 'time bomb' partner. You do NOT want to be in a relationship with a person like that. As you have already found out, they don't work on problems. They refuse to confront problems, let them build up, and then drop you. She's not going to change and she'll do it again.

 

RUN FAST from this person and look for somebody who has enough commitment to you to work problems out.

 

 

I too had a time bomb partner, we never argued, he used to always ARGUE before with others, he used to have a bad temper but i never saw it.......still he has troubles working out his problems....not good

[Kanuk]

Okay, i went to my ex's town yesterday to write myexam. I stoped at her house to pick up my things that i left behind, just like i arranged with her mother.

 

When i picked up my stuff, she wasn't there. I had to drive by her work to get from the school to her hosue, and sure enough even though she's wored EVERY friday since i've known her a year and a half ago, her car wasn't in the parking lot. She intentionally skipped work and stayed at a friends house in order to avoid me at all costs.

 

When I picked up my things, i was fully expecting for sentimental things, like my sweater that i have her, or she stole, and the carebear i gave her that was mine when i was a child, back. I got nothign of the sort. Is this a good thing? OR am I just reading into it too much.

 

I talked to my friends downthere, went out for coffee and asked them what i was suppsoed to think. they don't knwo much, but what they do know is that all of my ex's friends HATE me. Not just don't like me, hate me. When i'm uncomfertabel in a situationm, i try to make jopkes to lighten the mood. It would appear that they never appreciated my jokes cause sometimes i would joke about them. they were all doing it, tried to fit in. It would seem that I should have just not tried to fit in. How much of an influence on a women is this? If her friends don't like me but she still cares some and is in turmoila bout what to do, do her friends hold that much sway on her?

 

I know my friends have told me not to take her back, that she's treating me liek **** and that i shoulnd't even think about it. I know that that's bull and that I love her and this is worht fighting for. But then again, I was the one that was dumped. This wasn't by my choice. She wanted the break, i freaked her out, wouldn't anything they say just further cement her into her decision?

 

One of my friends said to me, regarding the last 7 weeks of her not talking to me, and the recent accidental phone call where she was very short and not very pleased with me, "I think that she still cares for you, and still has feelings. But that she doesn't want to talk to you because she wants to be able to make a decision without the emotions in the way. She can't talk to you yet because it just brings those emotions back up again"

 

He was completly theorizeing, and i think that opinion, while valid, is still right up there with "he wont talk to me because she hates me now" or "she wont talk to me because she just doesn't care anymore"

[maxmuscle]

Kanuk,

 

Its impossible for your ex and her friends to have such a disdain for you. Are you telling us everything that went on in the relationship? How can your ex treat you so badly? You never done anything to her? This is the knowledge you gave this forum.

 

My ex broke up with me, but since then, she has called, emailed, and open up a little tiny bit telling me she misses me and love me. I mean we had our Up's and Down's just like any normal relationship. We struggled financially! There was a trust issue on her part that I questioned and made me very unhappy.

 

We also had good times and enjoyed each others company. And our sex life during the relationship was dynomite! Orgasm city on both ends!

 

How can your girlfriend treat you so badly, you have been this complete gentlemen, and treated her with the upmost respect, right?

[Kanuk]

If you've read the other posts you know what i did to her 7 weeks ago. I tired to suprise her, but broke inot her house essentially. I crawled into bed with her becasue she always said she loved sleeping next to me and me beign the firs thing she saw when she woke up in the mornign. I know now this was a ll a VERY bed idea, these things are contingent on her knowing iw as there when she fell asleep.

 

I betrayed her trust

 

She wanted a breka nd time apart, i shwoed up the next day to try to talk about it. I gto worried about her the night before cause she wasn't answering her phone, so i called a friend to see if she was allright and not in an accident. She was obviusly avoiding me, but i didn't think about that. And she saw it as me stalking her. It doesn't help that I had a spare key to her house and when i saw her that day, she demanded it back, asif i would use it to break in or something. This combined with her skipping work to avoid me shows me that she deosn't trust me.

 

I can't blame her for being mad, she has a right to. She wanted time apart and i directly disrespected that.

 

We had ou ups and downs like any relationship. But i went out of my way to do everythign ncie for her. Bad things come to mind, like we were at a friends house and before we went over, she said she wanted to go swimming while there. I did too. So when the time come, she changed her midn and ddin't want to. I more or less bugged her repeadly to do it and she eventually caved

 

I know i shouldn't have now, but i didn't think it was such a big deal then. I ALWAYS did what she wanted when she asked em to, at the time, i figured she should do what i wanted for a change. I should have just respected that she didnt' want to. Cause in retorspect, she wanted me to stop bugging her, guess i goofed.

 

Or another time comes to mind when we went swimming once (waht a coincidence) after we got out of the pool, at a friends place, so friends were around, she had a towel on, so i playfully plae with ehr bikini top strap. She was not impressed at all. I thought she was wearing a towel, so there was no harm. obviosuly, another screw up.

 

there were always little things, things that I'm sure she's analysing under a microscope now. Not thinking abotu all the good things, just the bad, justifying her decision. And I'msure her friends are helping her justify it too. I've seen the way they are aroufn any of their friends ex's. I saw when 2 of her friends dumped their boyfriends. All of the girls more or less jumped on the oprotunity to bash the guy no matter what. I prayed at the time that somethign like that WOULDN't happen to me.

 

As for her friends, i never thought they like me at all. It always seemed they were nice to me just because i was dating their friend. I neve felt accepted. Like i said, when i tried to joke along with them, they seemd to take offense to it when i was never truing to hurt anyone or make anyone mad. It took a year of dating her before he rbest friend (very protective of her) finally told me that she approved of me and would let me be with her. When i dated her, i didn;t care if her friends liekd me, it's alwasy a bonus, sure, but not essential. What she thinks is what really matters. But now that it's over and I want her back, i'm sure that it's really important that her friends like me

 

Hell, i know i scrwed up from time to time. Nothing i did was ever horrible though. I never cheated, or yelled at her, i never argued with her or hit her or anythign horrible until that weekend when i 'broke' into her house and betrayed her trust.

 

Like i said in the other posts, we had a few arguments over the last 2-3 weekends. She had stoped being initmate with me about 2 months before. The last time we tried, she had a badder infectiona nd it hurt her liek hell and she was currentyl stressed, so i fugured it was just due to those things, but i still rbought it up and i told her i thoguht it was cause she didn't love me anymore or was mad or something, or didn't find me attractive. And i brought up that even thoguht i wentout of my way to drive 200km just to see her, she didn't pay much attention to me when i was there. it all fueled my paranoia.

I know now that she was just busy and stressed with everything. no one believes em when i say HOW busy she was, rest assured she had no time to even think. I see that now, and that I was justbeing paranoid and stupid. But i screwed up anyways. But I don't believe anythign i did deserves this treatement in (my opinion).

 

I hate myself for what i did to her that weekend. But when it comes down to it, wether io appear a stalker or not, i drove 800km and spent over $50 on gas just to try to save that relationship. She frekaedout at me becasue i was trying to save our love. I know what it loks liek from the outside, what she and her friends see. Because I've sat back and looked at it from her point of view. But i still don't udnerstand why i'm being treated thsi way. I've made it clear how badly this is hurting me, but she still makes no attempt to calm my mind.

 

My friend just told me she doesn't want to talk cause she's not ready (my ex told me this much already). And that she wont calm my fears or say anything because it just leads to more talking.

 

Could be true i suppose. Then again, she could just hate me. I don't know.

[maxmuscle]

Kanuk,

 

I think you are a sincere, nice guy who wants to give his all to the woman you love. Some of the things you did is not out of the ordinary. I did some pretty crazy things to my ex.

 

I followed her to daycare when she was picking up her daughter because I didn't believe she was going there. I gave myself away because i am not experienced at following somebody. She has lied to me about stuff so I followed her. She was hurt and sad because she felt that she did harm to the relationship if I went to that extreme.

 

You love your ex, don't be so hard on youself. She see, know, and understand your love for her. She may not know the full extent of your love, but she know it is there.

 

To be honest, she will realize how much you cared when you take time out and do the not contact rule. She cannot hide her love for you from herself forever. I wish my ex gf had the heart you have. WE will be walking down the isle right now.

[Kanuk]

It would appear that maybe she doesn't think i respected her because of those times i screwed up, that i described, and any other time like it.

 

Everyone screws up. There were time when she disrespected me, but i forgave her. Everytime i finally figured out that i screwed up, i alwasy apologized.

 

I honestly don't know what to think. If she hated me or needs time, why wouldn't she just tell me?

 

How long did it take before your ex opened up to you? It's been 7 weeks for me and all i've gotten is "I'm sorry, but you haven't exactly been makign this easy for me. I think it's best if we both move on for now. I'm not ready to talk to you, but I will let you know when I am".

 

the problem is, i don't want anyone but her. How can I move on? I can get on wtih life, but i can't move on and start a new one. Sound pathetic doesn't it?