No Sex Because of My Weight Gain

[Jinxies]

I haven't read all the responses yet, I've just read your initial post.

 

That's a tough situation you are in. When I met my X husband I weighed 115 pounds at 5'8" and was completely miserable... well, two kids and 14 years of marriage later and I'm way overweight. The last few years are when I've gained the most... because I was unhappy.

 

First things first... you can't force someone else to change. That only leads to bitterness and resentment. So, you need to do everything you can to get yourself happy and confident.

 

You don't want to wake up early to work out, then start doing little things that will get you going. When you go to get the mail, walk around the block, start having "healthy" snacks to boost your metabolism and keep your energy up. Do 5 minutes of stretching each morning after you wake up...

 

You are depressed, deary. And the best way to get past that is to start boosting your immune system, your healthy endorphins and getting some control back over "your life".

 

Now then... about the sex. Sex is physical intimacy, mental stimulation and emotional bonding (at least in my opinion)... you can have one dominate the others or a nice combination of those factors. It sounds like you are unhappy and depressed... do you remember days when you were happy and then had to spend a few hours with someone who was really unhappy? Negative emotions are like the swine flu... everywhere and anyone can pick them up. If you are unhappy, then he may feel unhappy too... and that could hurt his libido. You look different, you've gained weight, you are no longer comfortable with yourself... tell me, do you "feel" sexy? If not, it's not fair of you to expect him to think of you as sexy... if you don't perceive yourself that way, you are just feeding that mentality to him.

 

Guys are more visual usually when it comes to sexual matters. The truth could simply be that visually, you don't appeal to his sexual libido. If you are depressed and unhappy... you aren't mentally stimulating him. You both love each other, but obviously your sexual relationship needs more than just the emotional bonding.

[frustrated_one]

I have avoided asking this but here it goes.

 

Do you think its possible, there is someone else or maybe he is into something else and that's where part of his lack of interest comes from?

 

Yes, I do believe its possible he might not be a sexual person period like he told you about his first marriage. BUT him not even complimenting on you when you do try to look nice, speaks volumes. I think there is another issue going on here and its not ALL just about you gaining weight.

 

There is no one else. Just a bit of back story - I am the woman he always wanted to marry. He asked me when I was 27 and I was not ready. He never remarried {his first marriage lasted 6 months - father pushed him into it} and then he had a steady gf for 10 years - never lived with her.} I was the "woman of his dreams" - he saw me when I walked into a room and he said "WOW." I was all that he ever wanted.

 

It was 12 years before our paths crossed again. I had never married {no one lived up to the high standard HE had set. They just wanted me for the trophy.} We were married within a year because we both knew - there was no one else for us but each other.

 

He's not into porn - that's not an issue either.

 

My husband is someone who is a very honest person. If he doesn't compliment me it's because he can't honestly do so. He is not someone who will "lie" to make me feel better. I wish he would find something to compliment me on. I mean, even saying "that jacket looks good with your eyes" would be something.

 

I feel like he's frustrated by it all and has kinda thrown his hands up in the air. He's not even trying when it comes to that stuff because he's told me and there's just nothing else left.

[hopeful1980]

I have used the "losing your hair" example since he is losing his . . . he says he has no control over that whereas I do have control over what I put in my mouth!

 

So what? It's still the same thing. He doesn't look now the way he did when you married him either, but you still love him and you still show him love regardless because of the man he is not the way he looks.

 

For him to treat you any other way than with the respect and adoration you deserve as his wife because of a few pounds is cruel imo. It's not like you wanted to gain weight and it's not like you want to be overweight. He should try a little tenderness.

[frustrated_one]

I haven't read all the responses yet, I've just read your initial post.

 

That's a tough situation you are in. When I met my X husband I weighed 115 pounds at 5'8" and was completely miserable... well, two kids and 14 years of marriage later and I'm way overweight. The last few years are when I've gained the most... because I was unhappy.

 

First things first... you can't force someone else to change. That only leads to bitterness and resentment. So, you need to do everything you can to get yourself happy and confident.

 

You don't want to wake up early to work out, then start doing little things that will get you going. When you go to get the mail, walk around the block, start having "healthy" snacks to boost your metabolism and keep your energy up. Do 5 minutes of stretching each morning after you wake up...

 

You are depressed, deary. And the best way to get past that is to start boosting your immune system, your healthy endorphins and getting some control back over "your life".

 

Now then... about the sex. Sex is physical intimacy, mental stimulation and emotional bonding (at least in my opinion)... you can have one dominate the others or a nice combination of those factors. It sounds like you are unhappy and depressed... do you remember days when you were happy and then had to spend a few hours with someone who was really unhappy? Negative emotions are like the swine flu... everywhere and anyone can pick them up. If you are unhappy, then he may feel unhappy too... and that could hurt his libido. You look different, you've gained weight, you are no longer comfortable with yourself... tell me, do you "feel" sexy? If not, it's not fair of you to expect him to think of you as sexy... if you don't perceive yourself that way, you are just feeding that mentality to him.

 

Guys are more visual usually when it comes to sexual matters. The truth could simply be that visually, you don't appeal to his sexual libido. If you are depressed and unhappy... you aren't mentally stimulating him. You both love each other, but obviously your sexual relationship needs more than just the emotional bonding.

 

I'm sorry for what you have gone thru.

 

It's not that I don't feel sexy, it's that he makes me feel unsexy. I will look at myself naked and think, "Hey, I really don't look that bad." I get fixed up and I still turn guys heads - admittedly, not like I used to, but still I do.

 

There is nothing worse for me self esteeem than making a move on him and getting shot down. It's crushing.

[JackJack]

There is no one else. Just a bit of back story - I am the woman he always wanted to marry. He asked me when I was 27 and I was not ready. He never remarried {his first marriage lasted 6 months - father pushed him into it} and then he had a steady gf for 10 years - never lived with her.} I was the "woman of his dreams" - he saw me when I walked into a room and he said "WOW." I was all that he ever wanted.

 

It was 12 years before our paths crossed again. I had never married {no one lived up to the high standard HE had set. They just wanted me for the trophy.} We were married within a year because we both knew - there was no one else for us but each other.

 

He's not into porn - that's not an issue either.

 

My husband is someone who is a very honest person. If he doesn't compliment me it's because he can't honestly do so. He is not someone who will "lie" to make me feel better. I wish he would find something to compliment me on. I mean, even saying "that jacket looks good with your eyes" would be something.

 

I feel like he's frustrated by it all and has kinda thrown his hands up in the air. He's not even trying when it comes to that stuff because he's told me and there's just nothing else left.

 

That's good hun glad to hear it!

 

I just thought I'd mention it because everything was being discussed except for that, and while thats not the case for everyone, it sounds like its not in your case, it can be for some people. That's why I said too, its possible he is just not a very sexual person like you had mentioned.

 

I still say regardless of what may or may not be going on with him, he could at least show you a little more kindness. I mean opening the door for you and holding your hand in all wonderful things too, but right now you need some support from the main person you care about and love the most and he is not providing that for you. I'm not saying you should depend on his love and support only, you need to love and support yourself as well. BUT it helps if the person you love were to show you they care and support you too. Have you told him this? Have you told him you need this from him? Surely he hasn't just checked out of the marriage due to your weight. I think the way he is treating you right now in his lack of support says more about him than it does you.

[hopeful1980]

I'm sorry for what you have gone thru.

 

It's not that I don't feel sexy, it's that he makes me feel unsexy. I will look at myself naked and think, "Hey, I really don't look that bad." I get fixed up and I still turn guys heads - admittedly, not like I used to, but still I do.

 

There is nothing worse for me self esteeem than making a move on him and getting shot down. It's crushing.

 

It's called SELF esteem. The emphasis on the word SELF. Don't let your husband control how you feel about YOURSELF. You can feel good about yourself at any weight. That's your choice.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

wrinkles like them or not appear..... How dare you compare losing hair to putting on 50 pounds (or 37% of your weight).

 

Damn right it is different. This is not to question the OP but Hopeful1980's callous comment...

 

So what? It's still the same thing. He doesn't look now the way he did when you married him either, but you still love him and you still show him love regardless because of the man he is not the way he looks.

 

For him to treat you any other way than with the respect and adoration you deserve as his wife because of a few pounds is cruel imo. It's not like you wanted to gain weight and it's not like you want to be overweight. He should try a little tenderness.

[hopeful1980]

wrinkles like them or not appear..... How dare you compare losing hair to putting on 50 pounds (or 37% of your weight).

 

Damn right it is different. This is not to question the OP but Hopeful1980's callous comment...

 

I think it's WORSE! She can always lose weight, but he can't regrow his hair. It's a permanant change, whereas her weight gain is only temporary.

[Mr. Lucky]

Frustrated, it seems like such a simple equation. The direct upside for you of losing weight:

 

- better health

- better self-esteem

- better relationship

 

The upside of doing nothing:

 

- you get to sleep in

- you get to continue to eat junk food

- you get to continue to blame your husband

 

Doesn't seem like that hard of a choice...

 

Mr. Lucky

[hopeful1980]

I think for many people it's not how you look so much as how you GOT to how you look.

 

Losing hair is something that cannot be helped.

 

Gaining weight, aside from a medical cause like a thyroid problem, can.

 

Yeah, and it can be reversed unlike a cue ball.

[boundaryproblem]

Here is what worked for me:

 

Make a list of things that bring you down, e.g. problems you are dealing with.

 

Every week - eliminate one of those problems from your life.

 

For me it was firing difficult clients who weren't paying their bills. Or cleaning out a messy area of the house where there was a huge accumulation of clutter etc.

 

Each time I solved one of these problems, I felt better and my weight started to drop naturally. I walked for an hour a day. But that was about it.

 

Now that I'm within 10 pounds of goal, I'm more strict about diet and exercise, but that is only because I want to go clothes shopping sooner rather than later.

 

But it starts with getting rid of the problems that are bringing on the depression. Reducing the stressors in your life.

 

You husband actually has nothing to do with this process. This is about you loving yourself enough to say it is OK to get rid of the crap problems in your life.

 

There are so many responses here, I'm not sure you will read this- but I hope you find happiness with yourself.

[eeyore1981]

Years and years ago I was put on Prozac for depression and I gained 50 lbs. in one year. That was back when the 'experts' said Prozac would cause weight loss, not weight gain.

 

I noticed during my pregnancies my H's libido went way up, and after this weight gain, he was, if anything, even more sexually attracted to me.

 

I have joined a gym, and have been working very hard. One thing, though, is it is scientifically proven stress can make it hard to lose weight.

 

Frustrated, IMO, you need to get right in the head before you are going to make any progress in the weight loss arena. It sounds like you are very depressed. Get some help for that. Once you start feeling better about yourself, a lot of the stuff contributing to your weight gain, like eating when you aren't hungry, is going to clear up on it's own. You will also start to feel more motivated about getting out and doing things. Sometimes, you have to make yourself feel better. I am bad about isolating myself when I am having a hard time, but I've been making myself go out, and it makes me feel better.

 

Good luck to you.

[skylarblue]

Originally Posted by hopeful1980

All this may be true, but this type of attitude does not help a person like frustrated. It's not constructive and it only pushes them to eat more and work out less.

If it’s true then what’s the problem. Should I sugarcoat the truth so it has no bearing? Sorry, that’s for children. I am giving my honest opinion and outlook on the situation. I do feel sorry for frustrated reading her story. Women are a lot more “unconditional” with their love than men. She’s heading for an even worse time in her M if she doesn’t do something (which I know you mentioned you’re trying now, the SoBe/Zone and trainer inquiry) other than feeling depressed, hurt, and sorry for herself.

 

I really do feel empathy for you, frustrated_one. I read your posts and I want to cry. I honestly see no “perfect” solution. If you lose the weight to your H pleasing and your sex life continues I’m sure you’re going to feel some resentment over his “conditional” love. If you don’t, both you and he continue to feel alienated from each other, and then we all know where that leads. All I can say is take advantage of the support you say he’ll give you in losing weight. And try to look nice at home too, not just when you go out. Maybe if he sees you’re making an effort for him, he might change his disposition. I know people say “do it for you, no one else”, but sometimes your own motivation isn’t enough and you need something to strive for. I do wish you the best.

[mem11363]

Frustrated,

I am truly sorry for my initial post. It was not constructive and the tone was harsh. I completely retract it. A little background and then I will try to get it right the second time.

 

My earliest introduction to this topic was as a teenager. I had noticed by then that my mother and almost all her friends had gotten very heavy AFTER getting married. They all had wedding photos - and the wedding pictures and the 15-20 year later reality were 50-75+ pounds different. Most of the men had stayed pretty fit. But the waking moment for me was at a football game my mother made this really harsh comment about this girl - a junior in highschool - who was fat. And I thought wow, you KNOW men don't like that and yet you and your friends all seem to think that after you marry you can let yourself go. I never heard my father complain once about her weight, but I know he found more fit women attractive just from watching how he reacted in social situations. So this whole idea of being very relaxed about fitness after getting married bothered me.

 

My personal experience with this has been that my wife got very upset with me when I got too thin - not being funny - she was not attracted to me at my low weight - and I have reflux disease so I actually have to work hard to gain weight. After 2 years I made the effort and gained about 20 pounds. By the way my wife is a wonderful, loving person. She was just turned off by my thinness. And YES it HURT MY FEELINGS. It did. And every once in a while she would make an insensitive comment. But the thing is, she is a great wife. And she deserved me making the effort. So I did. It was hard. I just did it. And one nice thing - after I got back to where I wanted to be - I stopped hiding from her whenever I changed my clothes. And she stopped finding sex with me a chore.

 

As for your situation. Is there a physical activity, walking, biking, etc that you can do with your husband daily and that you enjoy?

 

Is he willing to give up all the foods you struggle with - so that this becomes a joint effort? Because he should be your partner in this. Partner and supporter. I also think that you are eventually at risk for hypertension/diabetes etc, all of which are miserable. And I know you don't want that.

 

I am sorry that this is hard for you - he really does sound like a good guy - I really think it is worth doing this for both of you. As for all the people who say you should only do this for you. I disagree. When we marry, we merge our hearts and minds, our money and souls and lastly yes - we merge our bodies. You would have the right to speak if he smoked, and he has a vested interest in you - both your health - and yes your attractiveness.

 

Good luck.

 

I have been thinking what you wrote . .. that I "love food more than my marriage." It is harsh, but it has been ringing thru my mind since you wrote it. I don't love food more than him, I really don't. I want to have a trophy marriage, as hopeful wrote.

[skylarblue]

Originally Posted by frustrated_one

To the Men Out There:

So what do you think is really going on with my husband? Would he really rather J*^k off as opposed to have sex with a wife who is willing and able? I love sex - I am not a prude.

I’m not a man, but I will say this. My BFF was going thru a similar problem with her xH. She would gain (80 lbs at her highest) and lose weight thru their whole M (about 7yrs). She said whenever she’d gain weight he’d go into the bathroom with a nude mag and j*ck-off instead of having sex with her. So, sadly your H may be same. But I must say this. I lived with a guy before who would j*ck-off to porn when he thought I was asleep, and I’m pretty attractive so it’s not just you or your H either.

[Skump]

I fear that even if I do buckle down and lose weight that I will be very, very bitter and angry with him. Like if I get down to a size 10 and now he wants to have sex I will be like, "FU!"

 

Well, IMO, you should slap any such feelings that arise right silly, because as I see it, spouses have a moral obligation to keep themselves in good physical condition for one another.

 

Your husband should be able to expect that you will do everything reasonably within your power to remain healthy and sexually attractive. Think about what it means to not adopt this principle: Basically, it's a gigantic "f*ck you" to your spouse. "Yeah, that's right, I don't give two ****s about making myself appealing to you: now bone me." Ask yourself if you would marry anyone who had that attitude at the outset of a relationship. I think you wouldn't. So why in blue blazes should you, your husband, or anyone else, accept such an attitude from a spouse within a committed relationship?

 

There is a time when we must do what is required. This is one of those times. Much as I hate to say it, if nothing else works, you could try low dose amphetamines under the guidance of a physician. It's a bit extreme, but it's still a fairly safe option, and highly effective.

Edited November 4, 2009 by Skump

[ADF]

I've only been married for four years and in that time I've gained 50 lbs. I have not had kids in that time. I have had a few surgeries that have helped contribute to the weight gain.

 

I'm 5'2" and now weight 183. I'm a size 16/18. I am 44 years old. When I first got together with my husband, I was a size 4/6 and weighed around 135ish. Even at that weight I felt like I did not look good in a bathing suit and I wanted to lose more weight (to be around 115ish). Not sure that was realistic since I hadn't been that weight since high school.

 

I had told him I had lost weight, so I never hid that from him. When we were first together I was motivated to work out - you know how it is, the flush of love, not being able to eat, always thinking of that person and how you are just kinda of obsessed.

 

He had lost 40 pounds a year or two earlier and was working out. Our new relationship really motivated him. Today, he might be 15 lbs heavier but he's still a small guy.

 

Two years ago when my weight got up to about 155 lbs, I noticed our sex life was diminishing. I wanted to talk to him about it but I get so emotional and cry and I don't think that's fair to him. So I sent him an email about it. He admitted that my weight gain was turning him off. I wanted him to be truthful but of course, it hurt.

 

What is really hurtful is that before my husband there were lots of guys who just wanted me because of my looks. I thought my husband was different. That was a big part of what attracted me to him. He loved that I was smart, that I could talk about anything from sports to politics. He loved that we shared many of the same values. He loved my sense of humor and how I could "battle" him.

 

When we were first together I would work out with him but I hated it. I hated having to get up early in the morning to work out. I work from home and make my own hours. One of the benefits I wanted from working from home was no more getting up at 6am.

 

Fast forward to today . . . I'm now at 183ish. I've gained even more weight and now pretty much don't have sex with him unless I guilt him into it. I am miserable. I snore now which keeps him up - so we sleep in seperate bedrooms. We have no kids. My time is my own. He will support me - buy gym memberships, coaching sessions, etc. We have a complete professional home gym in our basement.

 

I have no excuse except I am so hurt and bitter. This was the guy who I thought was different from all the other guys and what I have found out is that he wasn't different. I feel like he lied to me. Of course, he feels like I've done a "bait and switch" - that I don't care anymore.

 

I feel like he has me backed into a corner and I am defensive and hurt. I don't know why I can't/won't get motivated to lose the weight. I am not happy - I loved being a smaller size. I have lost weight before but now I feel like he is using sex as a weapon. "Lose weight or no sex."

 

When we were first married my husband was a food natzi - really strict about not eating any junk food. Again, that was fine for a while - I would have fast food while I was out during the day. I think that's how I found a bit of control in my life. Over the years, he has mellowed a bit but I know I often eat emotionally, rather than because of hunger.

 

I have tried taking Meridian, but even that I didn't do regularly.

 

I would say that I am in a happy marriage other than what I have written. I love my husband but I am not feeling loved. I feel like my only value is as a trophy wife. He's told me that I would be a better wife if I weighed less. That just blows my mind! I am the same person inside whether at a size 18 or 4 but he says I'd be a better wife if my jean size was smaller.

 

I fear that even if I do buckle down and lose weight that I will be very, very bitter and angry with him. Like if I get down to a size 10 and now he wants to have sex I will be like, "FU!"

 

I don't want to be that way but am finding that mental adjustment difficult.

 

I suspect a you're going to get a lot of responses that back up your husband and tell you to lose weight, already. In our culture, the fact a person is overweight is seen as positive proof they are lazy, don't respect themselves, don't care about their health, etc, etc. It is one of the last acceptable forms of bigotry.

 

If only it were that simple. The truth is being overweight is a chronic condition, like diabetes. Fighting it is a life-long struggle, and sometimes people just get tired. They get sick of being hungry all the time, they get sick of having to constantly monitor their every bite, they get sick of feeling like everyone is scoping them up and down, checking to see if they've gained an ounce here or there.

 

My only suggestion is that you focus on feeling good and being healthy. You don't have to be a size 10. The average size for women in the US today is 12-14. I've no doubt you make concessions for your husband of one kind or another. He needs to make a few for your sake, too.

[lostlove1]

As a new member I was a little taken aback on some of the comments that came were entered on this this members obvious "reaching out" and needing help.... I thought we were all here to help each other help and make suggestions tactfully.....

So I was glad to see mem11363 come back and word things differently:)

I was nervous what would be posted on mine.....lol.

 

The reason I suggest doing things for yourself and not your marriage is that I feel you really need to love yourself before you can completely love someone else. Yes, it is a marriage, but just like with alcohol abuse or drug abuse, the abuser won't stop until they are ready to stop.

 

Not sure if religious ideas can be suggested here and I apologize if I am offending anyone, but maybe prayer and church could offer some comfort to the pain and anguish you are going through. I wish you only the best.

[hopeful1980]

Originally Posted by hopeful1980

All this may be true, but this type of attitude does not help a person like frustrated. It's not constructive and it only pushes them to eat more and work out less.

If it’s true then what’s the problem. Should I sugarcoat the truth so it has no bearing? Sorry, that’s for children. I am giving my honest opinion and outlook on the situation. I do feel sorry for frustrated reading her story. Women are a lot more “unconditional” with their love than men. She’s heading for an even worse time in her M if she doesn’t do something (which I know you mentioned you’re trying now, the SoBe/Zone and trainer inquiry) other than feeling depressed, hurt, and sorry for herself.

 

I really do feel empathy for you, frustrated_one. I read your posts and I want to cry. I honestly see no “perfect” solution. If you lose the weight to your H pleasing and your sex life continues I’m sure you’re going to feel some resentment over his “conditional” love. If you don’t, both you and he continue to feel alienated from each other, and then we all know where that leads. All I can say is take advantage of the support you say he’ll give you in losing weight. And try to look nice at home too, not just when you go out. Maybe if he sees you’re making an effort for him, he might change his disposition. I know people say “do it for you, no one else”, but sometimes your own motivation isn’t enough and you need something to strive for. I do wish you the best.

 

I do not understand why some people equate honesty with harshness. I was honest with Frustrated. I never said that she shouldn't lose weight, but I used a tone of understanding and support.

 

You can be honest AND caring at the same time.

[hopeful1980]

You're a good man mem.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Mem was honest.... Brutally honest and I figured he was walking into a firestorm. However he has mentioned this over and over in his posts.

 

There was an old post (July?), where I guy complained his spouse put on 15 lbs and this was enough to turn him off (he was a bodybuilder and she a fitness trainer I think).... He was told off in the majority of posts.

 

So again we have the issue why one person does not want to have sex. We have gone over and over what could be the reasons with me and others complaining about lack of sex (and usually it is he man).

 

Here the answer is so simple and everyone tears a strip of Mem for being blunt....

 

If it was that simple in all those other posts, there would be no one posting about the issue.

 

Again I am sorry about this situation, but there should be no debate here.

 

Finally it is her decision what she wants to do about it..... Frankly if he is not interested in having sex, and she does not want to lose weight, she should take care of herself and forget about him....

[hopeful1980]

What good is the truth if it doesn't help? Of course Frustrated needs to lose weight, but she needs the right kind of support to do it. If you've never been faced with having to lose 50 pounds or more, you can not understand. It's not easy and to be made feel as if you gained the weight on purpose and tricked your husband is the opposite of what she needs.

 

Her husband, even though he has the right the feel the way she does, only prompts her to eat more and go further into her depression. If he treated her like she was special regardless of our exterior and made suggestions like, "Hey honey, let's go take a walk after dinner." That is a step in the right direction. But rejection does nothing in a marriage and it's not right regardless of the situation. You can't justify rejecting your spouse because they've made mistakes with their nutrition and exercise. It's not a personal afront to him. She doesn't want to be 50 pounds overweight and she knows she needs to change. That's why it's important that she do this to make herself feel better, not her husband. If she tries to do it for him and doesn't get the support she is looking for she will only resort to eating for comfort again. It's a cycle. In order to break the cycle, she has to feel good about herself and take him out of the equation all together. I know a woman who was in a similar situation as Frustrated. Her husband rejected her and put pressure on her to lose weight. She only got fatter and more resentful. They broke up and she lost over 50 pounds the year they divorced. Her husband was holding her back. She couldn't lose weight in that environment because he wasn't giving her the type of support she needed.

 

I lost 53 pounds last year and my husband is just reaping the benefits of my healthier lifestyle, but I certainly didn't do it for him and I wouldn't. I expect him to love me at any weight, and fortunately for me he does.

[frustrated_one]

What good is the truth if it doesn't help? Of course Frustrated needs to lose weight, but she needs the right kind of support to do it. If you've never been faced with having to lose 50 pounds or more, you can not understand. It's not easy and to be made feel as if you gained the weight on purpose and tricked your husband is the opposite of what she needs.

 

Her husband, even though he has the right the feel the way she does, only prompts her to eat more and go further into her depression. If he treated her like she was special regardless of our exterior and made suggestions like, "Hey honey, let's go take a walk after dinner." That is a step in the right direction. But rejection does nothing in a marriage and it's not right regardless of the situation. You can't justify rejecting your spouse because they've made mistakes with their nutrition and exercise. It's not a personal afront to him. She doesn't want to be 50 pounds overweight and she knows she needs to change. That's why it's important that she do this to make herself feel better, not her husband. If she tries to do it for him and doesn't get the support she is looking for she will only resort to eating for comfort again. It's a cycle. In order to break the cycle, she has to feel good about herself and take him out of the equation all together. I know a woman who was in a similar situation as Frustrated. Her husband rejected her and put pressure on her to lose weight. She only got fatter and more resentful. They broke up and she lost over 50 pounds the year they divorced. Her husband was holding her back. She couldn't lose weight in that environment because he wasn't giving her the type of support she needed.

 

I lost 53 pounds last year and my husband is just reaping the benefits of my healthier lifestyle, but I certainly didn't do it for him and I wouldn't. I expect him to love me at any weight, and fortunately for me he does.

 

It is easy for people who have not faced the life-long struggle with weight to just throw out the "lose weight" as if - poof - it will be easy and gone. IT IS NOT that simple. Hopeful - you obviously get it.

 

It is a cycle - one that I certainly take my share of responsibility for. Hubby told me 30lbs ago that my weight gain was a turn off. I didn't do anything but get bigger, so I "get it." But there is so much more to the dynamic and emotion of being in a relationship.

 

I waited to get married until I was 40 - until I had found THE right one. From our past history and then getting back together 12 years later, I had this {apparently false} idea that with my marriage I was getting unconditional love. I now understand that only comes from my heavenly Father {well, my mom is pretty close too }.

 

Hopeful is so right about the cycle and needing to break that. For 40 years I depended on no one but myself for my happiness. Once I got married, I tied it to him.

 

While I am still upset with my husband's attitude, what can I do but lose weight? It's not just him who's unhappy with the weight - it's me too. Sometimes when I go thru my closet and come across the cute pair of size 4 jeans I was wearing in August 2005, I dream about what it was like to be able to wear anything and look good in it. It was wonderful and I'd like to be back there one day.

 

Everyone here in the forum has been wonderful - even the "harsh" comments {in fact, most especially the harsh comments}.

 

I know we are in the era of political correctness, but sometimes you have to hear things from third party objective observers without the velvet glove. The words "you love food more than you love your husband" are still ringing in my ears {and were when I went for my first workout with a personal trainer today!}

 

Yesterday I made better food choices eating on my Zone/South Beach program. Today I went for a workout - I hated it, but I did it. I know I have a looooooooooooooooooooong way to go, but I've taken the first step. Now the trick is to keep on keepin' on.

[frustrated_one]

Here is what worked for me:

 

Make a list of things that bring you down, e.g. problems you are dealing with.

 

Every week - eliminate one of those problems from your life.

 

For me it was firing difficult clients who weren't paying their bills. Or cleaning out a messy area of the house where there was a huge accumulation of clutter etc.

 

Each time I solved one of these problems, I felt better and my weight started to drop naturally. I walked for an hour a day. But that was about it.

 

Now that I'm within 10 pounds of goal, I'm more strict about diet and exercise, but that is only because I want to go clothes shopping sooner rather than later.

 

But it starts with getting rid of the problems that are bringing on the depression. Reducing the stressors in your life.

 

You husband actually has nothing to do with this process. This is about you loving yourself enough to say it is OK to get rid of the crap problems in your life.

 

There are so many responses here, I'm not sure you will read this- but I hope you find happiness with yourself.

 

Congratulations on your weight loss - WOW, 10lbs from your goal. That's SO exciting. I think you are right about reducing stressors but I also have to watch out for sloth - I can get into a slothful mode where I just do nothing and that ain't good!

[Mr. Lucky]

I expect him to love me at any weight, and fortunately for me he does.

That is one of those Hallmark-card platitudes that has noting to do with real life. Really, 300 lbs? 400 lbs? 500 lbs, you'd expect him to love you and continue to find you attractive? And you'd reciprocate not just with weight but any other self-destructive behavior that he started - and in the OP's case, continued - to exhibit?

 

Call me skeptical...

 

Mr. Lucky