No Sex Because of My Weight Gain

[The Midnight Rider]

that's not what he said. He was saying that the criticizms that were directed at the op were like a punch in the face. He didn't say anyone needed to be punched in the face. He said why don't ya just drive over to her and punch her in the face?

 

 

somebody read my post! Thank you!!

[hopeful1980]

I have a question. My husband said before we got married that in his previous relationship they didn't have a lot of sex. He told me he was "not a sexual person." Yet, in the first year of our marriage we had sex often enough to satisfy me.

 

So now I have gained weight and I am lucky if we have sex once every 6 weeks or so. My husband is 50 and in good shape. There is nothing "wrong" in the function department. Everything I read/know about mes says that they need sex on a regular basis - just how they are built.

 

So what do you think is really going on with my husband? Would he really rather J*^k off as opposed to have sex with a wife who is willing and able? I love sex - I am not a prude.

 

Also, what can I do, as my weight stands now, in order to get more sex from my husband? The other night we were on the sofa and I snuggled up to him and reached down to his zipper and said, "Hey there, I have an idea. . . " He got very annoyed and said, "Ehhh, what are you doing?" and he pushed me away. I cannot tell you how crushed I was. I have NEVER turned him away, even when I really wasn't in the mood.

 

We have been in bed and I will start caressing him, always a sign for us that the other one want sex. He just lays motionless, like he's trying to not even breathe. I just roll over and cry myself to sleep.

 

My heart aches for you.

 

Does he give you any form of affection outside the bedroom? Does he hug you at all or tell you he loves you?

 

I don't know how to get your husband to have sex with you, but I can tell you what I would do. I'd find a diet plan that I can live with and start it right away. I'd also start treating myself the way I want hubby to treat me. I'd take myself out to dinner and the movies. I'd give myself a makeover and buy new clothes. I'd do everything I could do that makes me feel good RIGHT NOW and not wait until I had lost the weight to be happy. I'd make the choice to be happy and walk around like I was the most beautiful woman in the world. Alot of times it's not the weight that is unattractive, but the lack of confidence a person displays when they don't feel pretty.

[Ronni_W]

frustrated_one,

Your husband told you that he was not as attracted to you at 155 as at 135. One must assume that he is even less attracted at 185. About that, it just is what it is. He was honest with you when you made the inquiry, at 155. This has nothing to do with any other man...it is about your hubby's personal preference, unique to him.

 

I had the same experience in my marriage. My now-ex didn't tell me what it was about me that turned him off (at the time I weighed less than when we got together/married.) I know that it is very, very difficult to not take all of it personally...but there is a part that belongs JUST to them; that is not about us.

 

2sure makes a very good point, though: while you are both feeling the same, only one of you has the power to change the situation.

 

Hugs. I know this is a difficult and very sensitive subject. I'm sorry that you're both having to deal with it.

[frustrated_one]

My heart aches for you.

 

Does he give you any form of affection outside the bedroom? Does he hug you at all or tell you he loves you?

 

I don't know how to get your husband to have sex with you, but I can tell you what I would do. I'd find a diet plan that I can live with and start it right away. I'd also start treating myself the way I want hubby to treat me. I'd take myself out to dinner and the movies. I'd give myself a makeover and buy new clothes. I'd do everything I could do that makes me feel good RIGHT NOW and not wait until I had lost the weight to be happy. I'd make the choice to be happy and walk around like I was the most beautiful woman in the world. Alot of times it's not the weight that is unattractive, but the lack of confidence a person displays when they don't feel pretty.

 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses. In an earlier post when you wrote to forgive mysel for gaining the weight and forgive my husband for being insensitive, it made me cry.

 

Yesterday I went grocery shopping using South Beach/Zone. The last time I lost my weight it was using those plans. I am also waiting to hear back from a personal trainer - my husband put me in touch with her.

 

I do try to look nice, but not usually at home. I'll be in sweats with a pony tail and no makeup. I get dressed up to go to church or to a concert and he never tells me I look pretty. He used to tell me that all the time. It's crushing when I take the time to get fixed up and I never get any response from him. It seems mean, but I don't think he means it to be.

 

In terms of affection, he holds my hand. He will give me a peck when he gets home or leaves to go to work but that's it.

 

We just got back from a weeks vacation - stayed at some great B&B's - never once did we have sex. It was crushing. This trip was for our 4th anniversary. I always plan a trip for our anniversary and this is the first time we didn't have sex. It was the worst vacation for me - even though he seemed to enjoy it and enjoyed being with me.

[hopeful1980]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses. In an earlier post when you wrote to forgive mysel for gaining the weight and forgive my husband for being insensitive, it made me cry.

 

Yesterday I went grocery shopping using South Beach/Zone. The last time I lost my weight it was using those plans. I am also waiting to hear back from a personal trainer - my husband put me in touch with her.

 

I do try to look nice, but not usually at home. I'll be in sweats with a pony tail and no makeup. I get dressed up to go to church or to a concert and he never tells me I look pretty. He used to tell me that all the time. It's crushing when I take the time to get fixed up and I never get any response from him. It seems mean, but I don't think he means it to be.

 

In terms of affection, he holds my hand. He will give me a peck when he gets home or leaves to go to work but that's it.

 

We just got back from a weeks vacation - stayed at some great B&B's - never once did we have sex. It was crushing. This trip was for our 4th anniversary. I always plan a trip for our anniversary and this is the first time we didn't have sex. It was the worst vacation for me - even though he seemed to enjoy it and enjoyed being with me.

 

That's great you are doing the low carb diet! That works for me as well.

 

Fake it till you make it! Buy some lingere, put on make up and fix your hair even when you are just walking around the house. Don't do it to turn him on. Do it to make yourself feel sexy. Decide to be happy regardless of how your husband treats you. Decide to see yourself as beautiful even if he doesn't tell you. Make up your mind to treat yourself better in every way and the weight will come off on it's own. At the very least, you will have a better attitude.

 

I wish you the best of luck and keep us updated on your progress~

[skylarblue]

Sorry, but I have to side with the H (and mem) on this one. Even though I’ve never been married, I’ve always felt like women get married and/or have kids and definitely pull the “bait and switch” on their H. Absolutely unacceptable in my book. I think it’s a woman’s duty to be the “trophy wife” always, to maintain whatever it is that her H finds physically attractive when they met and/or married. I don’t mean to sound hurtful, but can you really blame HIM if HE’s not attracted to fat women. And then you say you guilt him into having sex, but you won’t do anything to make him WANT to have sex with you. 50lbs in 4yrs and you have a gym in your home and you said he will support you…C’mon, I’d be pissed too. It seems like YOU don’t care how HE feels. Sure, it’d be nice if “the inside” of a person was all that matters, but that’s not reality. You say you’re miserable. You’re going to be more miserable when goes out and cheats on you which he will eventually do (whether planned or opportunistic) because of it…I just don’t understand why women do this. To be a “trophy wife” is a compliment to me and my H/SO both inside and outside the home. I consider it to be a top priority. I don’t understand why more women don’t.

[hopeful1980]

Sorry, but I have to side with the H (and mem) on this one. Even though I’ve never been married, I’ve always felt like women get married and/or have kids and definitely pull the “bait and switch” on their H. Absolutely unacceptable in my book. I think it’s a woman’s duty to be the “trophy wife” always, to maintain whatever it is that her H finds physically attractive when they met and/or married. I don’t mean to sound hurtful, but can you really blame HIM if HE’s not attracted to fat women. And then you say you guilt him into having sex, but you won’t do anything to make him WANT to have sex with you. 50lbs in 4yrs and you have a gym in your home and you said he will support you…C’mon, I’d be pissed too. It seems like YOU don’t care how HE feels. Sure, it’d be nice if “the inside” of a person was all that matters, but that’s not reality. You say you’re miserable. You’re going to be more miserable when goes out and cheats on you which he will eventually do (whether planned or opportunistic) because of it…I just don’t understand why women do this. To be a “trophy wife” is a compliment to me and my H/SO both inside and outside the home. I consider it to be a top priority. I don’t understand why more women don’t.

 

All this may be true, but this type of attitude does not help a person like frustrated. It's not constructive and it only pushes them to eat more and work out less.

 

I wish more men would understand this. It would be like if her husband lost his hair and she just stopped having sex with him because she didn't marry a bald man and she's not attracted to bald men. It's not right.

[frustrated_one]

Sorry, but I have to side with the H (and mem) on this one. Even though I’ve never been married, I’ve always felt like women get married and/or have kids and definitely pull the “bait and switch” on their H. Absolutely unacceptable in my book. I think it’s a woman’s duty to be the “trophy wife” always, to maintain whatever it is that her H finds physically attractive when they met and/or married. I don’t mean to sound hurtful, but can you really blame HIM if HE’s not attracted to fat women. And then you say you guilt him into having sex, but you won’t do anything to make him WANT to have sex with you. 50lbs in 4yrs and you have a gym in your home and you said he will support you…C’mon, I’d be pissed too. It seems like YOU don’t care how HE feels. Sure, it’d be nice if “the inside” of a person was all that matters, but that’s not reality. You say you’re miserable. You’re going to be more miserable when goes out and cheats on you which he will eventually do (whether planned or opportunistic) because of it…I just don’t understand why women do this. To be a “trophy wife” is a compliment to me and my H/SO both inside and outside the home. I consider it to be a top priority. I don’t understand why more women don’t.

 

I hear what you're saying and I always thought the same way. I cannot believe I am now on the other side of this. My husband has said if I loved him I would take care of myself. I have told him that if my weight was about how much I loved him, I would be Twiggy! IF ONLY it was as easy as people who don't have a life-long issue with weight think it is.

 

I feel like we have a good marriage, all things considered. I have talked to my doctor (GP) and she says it's a control issue. Since marrying him I have left the state where I was living, along with my family. I have planned a wedding & 2 receptions. We have sold and bought a home and I have started a business. Plus I've had the surgeries on my feet. That's a lot for just four years. Not that these are excuses, but just back story on everything.

[frustrated_one]

All this may be true, but this type of attitude does not help a person like frustrated. It's not constructive and it only pushes them to eat more and work out less.

 

I wish more men would understand this. It would be like if her husband lost his hair and she just stopped having sex with him because she didn't marry a bald man and she's not attracted to bald men. It's not right.

 

I have used the "losing your hair" example since he is losing his . . . he says he has no control over that whereas I do have control over what I put in my mouth!

[blair08]

He said "Why don't ya just drive over to her and punch her in the face?"

 

Yes Its just the way it sounds, reads and comes across. Plus if you look back at previous posts of MR's I'm correct in saying there is bitterness and harshness that is uncalled for in the things that are said. Its not always what is said, but how its said.

 

Now back on topic to the OP's issue. Frustrated, I hope it all works out for you. You can do this hun! Good luck!

[frustrated_one]

somebody read my post! Thank you!!

 

MR - I understood what you were saying. No worries.

[JackJack]

MR - I understood what you were saying. No worries.

 

Then that's all that matters.

 

blair, yes I understand exactly what you are saying. And with that, your signature you have speaks volumes and is a good thing to remember at times.

[The Midnight Rider]

He said "Why don't ya just drive over to her and punch her in the face?"

 

Yes Its just the way it sounds, reads and comes across. Plus if you look back at previous posts of MR's I'm correct in saying there is bitterness and harshness that is uncalled for in the things that are said. Its not always what is said, but how its said.

 

Now back on topic to the OP's issue. Frustrated, I hope it all works out for you. You can do this hun! Good luck!

 

I'm sorry blair08 if I sound bitter. It's only because people, generally, are full of horse****. If my previous posts sound bitter, it's because of the same reasoning. I am sure there are more pleasant ways to say what I am saying, but if I said them in that certain sweet and sensitive way, that would make me you. I'd much rather be me.

 

I hate to see others put in a position that they are made to feel like they are less than what they are. OP for instance, is suffering and for what? Weight gain? When I got married, the pastor didn't say "In sickness and in health till death do you part but if SHE GETS FAT, YOU CAN ACT LIKE A TOTAL JERK TO HER!" If he said it, I ignored it. Do we get to treat people like crap because of weight now? That's not fair and I called it, pure and simple. This aint bait and switch. It's life. We can make a positive difference in people's lives if we treat one another like we want to be treated. OP wants to be loved by the person WHO PROMISED TO DO IT FOR LIFE NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCES and I am sure her husband wants the same too. So if I offended your precious sensibilities with my harsh words, I'm sorry. But if you noticed, this is a public forum and they keep letting jerks like me in.

 

OP, I tried Atkins and lost a solid 70lbs and kept it off. Keep digging, keep trying, keep moving, but do it for yourself and your health.

[blair08]

Whoa MR, it's ok, you do not have to explain yourself to me. I read you loud and clear.

 

Besides, this right here, "but if I said them in that certain sweet and sensitive way, that would make me you. I'd much rather be me".

 

This would NOT make YOU ME. I do not always say things in a "nice and sweet, sensitive" way, but I do and can say things in a way that is not bitter/hateful and still get my point across.

 

 

"So if I offended your precious sensibilities with my harsh words, I'm sorry."

 

Your "precious" apology has been accepted.

[frustrated_one]

I have a question. My husband said before we got married that in his previous relationship they didn't have a lot of sex. He told me he was "not a sexual person." Yet, in the first year of our marriage we had sex often enough to satisfy me.

 

So now I have gained weight and I am lucky if we have sex once every 6 weeks or so. My husband is 50 and in good shape. There is nothing "wrong" in the function department. Everything I read/know about mes says that they need sex on a regular basis - just how they are built.

 

So what do you think is really going on with my husband? Would he really rather J*^k off as opposed to have sex with a wife who is willing and able? I love sex - I am not a prude.

 

Also, what can I do, as my weight stands now, in order to get more sex from my husband? The other night we were on the sofa and I snuggled up to him and reached down to his zipper and said, "Hey there, I have an idea. . . " He got very annoyed and said, "Ehhh, what are you doing?" and he pushed me away. I cannot tell you how crushed I was. I have NEVER turned him away, even when I really wasn't in the mood.

 

We have been in bed and I will start caressing him, always a sign for us that the other one want sex. He just lays motionless, like he's trying to not even breathe. I just roll over and cry myself to sleep.

 

Thanks. I'm just trying to figure out how to survive in the NOW.

[The Midnight Rider]

Whoa MR, it's ok, you do not have to explain yourself to me. I read you loud and clear.

 

Besides, this right here, "but if I said them in that certain sweet and sensitive way, that would make me you. I'd much rather be me".

 

This would NOT make YOU ME. I do not always say things in a "nice and sweet, sensitive" way, but I do and can say things in a way that is not bitter/hateful and still get my point across.

 

 

"So if I offended your precious sensibilities with my harsh words, I'm sorry."

 

Your "precious" apology has been accepted.

 

What did I say that was hateful, again?

[blair08]

What did I say that was hateful, again?

 

 

You are welcome to PM me on this. Its taking away from the OP's post. I wont respond anymore on the this post because I don't want to keep being a thread hijacker.

 

BTW I said apology accepted so not sure what you mean.

 

Feel free to PM.

[The Midnight Rider]

I have a question. My husband said before we got married that in his previous relationship they didn't have a lot of sex. He told me he was "not a sexual person." Yet, in the first year of our marriage we had sex often enough to satisfy me.

 

So now I have gained weight and I am lucky if we have sex once every 6 weeks or so. My husband is 50 and in good shape. There is nothing "wrong" in the function department. Everything I read/know about mes says that they need sex on a regular basis - just how they are built.

 

So what do you think is really going on with my husband? Would he really rather J*^k off as opposed to have sex with a wife who is willing and able? I love sex - I am not a prude.

 

Also, what can I do, as my weight stands now, in order to get more sex from my husband? The other night we were on the sofa and I snuggled up to him and reached down to his zipper and said, "Hey there, I have an idea. . . " He got very annoyed and said, "Ehhh, what are you doing?" and he pushed me away. I cannot tell you how crushed I was. I have NEVER turned him away, even when I really wasn't in the mood.

 

We have been in bed and I will start caressing him, always a sign for us that the other one want sex. He just lays motionless, like he's trying to not even breathe. I just roll over and cry myself to sleep.

 

 

You asked for a male response, here's mine. I love sex too much to answer this question from your husband's point of view. It seems to me that he would rather be with the "thin you" than "you" if he'd rather pull his taffy than get down with you. Seems a little dumb to me.

[EnigmasMuse]

If you don't mind me asking, how are things in your relationship outside of the bedroom? Forgive me if you had already answered that I didn't read all the replies. Any changes you see in him other than him not being interested in sex with you?

 

I know you asked for a males perspective on what he said to you, and I'm not a male BUT its hard to say exactly what he meant by that. Maybe he enjoyed having sex with you the first year or so, more than he did with his first wife, and misses the old thinner you? I dunno. Then again maybe he was being truthful in the fact he doesn't enjoy sex alot, and had it alot with you in the fist year for whatever reason, once again hard to say.

[frustrated_one]

If you don't mind me asking, how are things in your relationship outside of the bedroom? Forgive me if you had already answered that I didn't read all the replies. Any changes you see in him other than him not being interested in sex with you?

 

I know you asked for a males perspective on what he said to you, and I'm not a male BUT its hard to say exactly what he meant by that. Maybe he enjoyed having sex with you the first year or so, more than he did with his first wife, and misses the old thinner you? I dunno. Then again maybe he was being truthful in the fact he doesn't enjoy sex alot, and had it alot with you in the fist year for whatever reason, once again hard to say.

 

Everything is great outside the bedroom. We just got back from a weeks vacation and he seemed to really enjoy it. He said so a number of times. Of course, from my point of view, it was the worst vacation we've had because we had no sex - first time ever on one of these vacations that we have not had sex.

 

He hold my hand, opens the car door for me, we watch TV together, etc. We do not sleep together any more because of my snoring. He has sleep apnea and wears a C-PAP mask. That does not mask my snoring {which was not a problem before I gained weight.} While we did not have sex often at night {he's more of a morning guy}, I miss the possibility of sex. I miss snuggling up with him and feeling the heat of his body. It was a part of being a couple that I really liked.

[Lucky_One]

Since marrying him I have left the state where I was living, along with my family. I have planned a wedding & 2 receptions. We have sold and bought a home and I have started a business. Plus I've had the surgeries on my feet. That's a lot for just four years. Not that these are excuses, but just back story on everything.

 

Even if you had done those things in ONE year, they would be excuses.

 

This is what adults do. They plan weddings, they move, they start new families in new places, they start new jobs or businesses, they have health issues. Toss in that some people also have children in with that.

 

50 pounds in 5 years IS a lot. WeightWatchers says that a 5'2" woman with a BMI of 25 (which is the high end of healthy) should weigh around 137. So at marriage, you were at the high end of your weight scale. You are now at a BMI of 33/34.

 

Two years ago you had only gained 20 pounds, and you realized that your weight was causing a problem in your marriage. And with that knowledge, you gained 150% more.

 

Control? Possibly. But a desire for control isn't going to gain you the love or affection of your husband. Turning that need for control around into self-control may gain you self-love, for sure.

 

One thing that bothers me a LOT about your post is the way you dress in your home. Sweats, hair in a ponytail, no make-up. All of that is fine if you still look put together like that. I have seen some women at the gym who still look great wearing sweats, ponytails and makeup-less. The problem is that you are describing yourself like that in a way that implies to us here that you look like crap at home (because you look "nice" when you leave the house). Why wouldn't you want to look nice for yourself and for your H and for the UPS man? Human beings beautify our surroundings - we paint our homes, we plant flowers, we decorate our homes to be peaceful and welcoming, we paint murals over ugly graffiti, we make our surroundings beautiful.

 

Why are you deliberately making the decision to NOT beautify the first thing that you present to other people? Is your home exterior welcoming to strangers, or is your yard ugly and unkempt? Is your living room warm and inviting, or is it disheveled and mismatched and displeasing to the senses? Is your car filthy and filled with french fry containers and grass clippings, or is it clean and vacuumed?

 

I would suggest you read "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley. What men need is different than what women need, and neither of you are working on giving each other positives. He goes into detail about having an attractive spouse and about getting emotional support. I think you and your H could benefit from it.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Yes he is a jerk, but there is a simple answer...... Exercise and lose weight for your health and self esteem..... Not for him..... You don't have children, married late in life and have options.... Yes 50 lbs in 4 years is significant and you look much different then when you first met....

 

We know all the posts from men who have complained about the lack of sex and the pages upon pages of advise for something that is so complex in these marriages that there is not a single answer.

 

Men have posted here over and over about their great marriages and families, loving wives, but as soon as they touch them or propose sex, they are shut down. We as men however do not cry ourselves to sleep and actually for the most part just take it.

 

I don't want to be callous, but here is a simple answer and you know it..... Not a single male has had such an easy answer.

 

Again the choice is yours, and he is supporting you in that goal.

 

I wish you luck and hope the decision you make is for you not him....

[frustrated_one]

 

One thing that bothers me a LOT about your post is the way you dress in your home. Sweats, hair in a ponytail, no make-up. All of that is fine if you still look put together like that. I have seen some women at the gym who still look great wearing sweats, ponytails and makeup-less. The problem is that you are describing yourself like that in a way that implies to us here that you look like crap at home (because you look "nice" when you leave the house). Why wouldn't you want to look nice for yourself and for your H and for the UPS man?

 

I would suggest you read "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley. What men need is different than what women need, and neither of you are working on giving each other positives. He goes into detail about having an attractive spouse and about getting emotional support. I think you and your H could benefit from it.

 

When I fix up and try to look nice, I get no feedback from him - none. WHY even try? It is so hurtful when I get ready for a night out and he says NOTHING. And he knows that is hurtful to me because the one time he actually said something nice about my appearance, I started to cry. When he asked why, I told him it was because he used to say that all the time and that now I never heard it.

 

Is the His Needs/Her Needs you refer to a book?

[EnigmasMuse]

Sounds like a little depression, low self esteem and lack of motivation going on. I know that if people suffer from depression/low self esteem, it can make you feel like you don't want to put make up on, get on the treadmill, make yourself look decent. Your mindset is, "why bother it doesn't matter anyway." You've got to change your mindset, your way of thinking and know you're worthy. Perhaps you have unresolved issues from the past?

 

I think once you start to think more highly of yourself, possibly check and see about talking with a professional, and maybe taking some inicintive to do/try some more things, exercise, apparence, and diet wise then maybe you'll see a change, not only in your self but maybe in your husband as well? maybe after YOU have tried all you know how and you have lost some weight etc, etc, and if your husband still refuses or isn't interested then you've got a bigger issue.

[JackJack]

I have avoided asking this but here it goes.

 

Do you think its possible, there is someone else or maybe he is into something else and that's where part of his lack of interest comes from?

 

Yes, I do believe its possible he might not be a sexual person period like he told you about his first marriage. BUT him not even complimenting on you when you do try to look nice, speaks volumes. I think there is another issue going on here and its not ALL just about you gaining weight.