Dear HIM,

[TogetherForever]

[sIZE=2]Love is patient and kind; [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Love is not jealous or boastful; [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]it is not arrogant or rude. [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Love does not insist on its own way; [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]it is not irritable or resentful; [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Love bears all things, believes all things, [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]hopes all things, endures all things.[/sIZE]

 

Take the above as you need to.

 

HE needs to leave his marriage if his love for you is as strong as he claims.

 

TF

Edited October 29, 2009 by TogetherForever
Tried to take out that encoding stuff.

[NowhereToHide]

Okay, so help me to understand please. People keep telling me he is doing the minimum. And in terms of the fact that he is not making me the "only one", i get that. But besides that, what more should I expect from a man? I mean, obviously I listed only a few of the things I think show his affection for me, there are so many other day to day things that he does... I was just pointing out that he is not just all words, but actions with his affection. Really, outside of the dual relationship (huge I know), he has treated me so incredibly well. He has always been loving, kind and considerate. What more could I possibly expect from any man, even a single one?

 

 

Fallen -- you deserve to wake up every morning next to a man that loves you. You deserve to be the only one with whom he is sharing his life with. You deserve to be the one with whom he BUILDS a life with.

 

I know he has been kind, affectionate, loving, giving.... I know you love him so much.

 

But you DO deserve someone that will not have his attention, his love, his respect, his time, his sense of duty, his focus split on two women.

 

Know that you do have a choice here... you can continue to stay with him with what you know he is capable of offering (while acknowledging in your heart that you will never get more). But since you wrote that letter, I think you know that you want more. And I hope in time you can truly feel that you DESERVE so much more.

 

It's hard when you're in it to believe that you are ever going to be loved like that again. You will. I promise. You will find it, but you have to be free from your MM first to be open enough to accept it.

 

((((hugs FA)))))))

[georgia girl]

Fallen Angel,

 

You break my heart. You could be my friend who is going through many similar emotions. I will tell you what I've told her - but I promise not to hold it against you if you don't take my advice.

 

1) You can't see your relationship objectively because you are in love and you are constantly weighing the "good things" vs. the "bad things." So, while he says this and does that, which indicate that he's no leaving home, he also does this and says that that indicates he's thinking about it. While many say actions speak louder than words, in your case, I think one action speaks louder than words: him choosing one partner. Therefore, while you are weighing things, he is realizing that and doing just enough to convince the tender part of your soul that he will leave. In the meantime, he chooses not to leave.

 

2) There is a time when love can conquer all. But that is a time when two people are a united team and there is no one else in the equation. In addition, I think unconditional love is unhealthy. Two people in a relationship should, need and have to expect to negotiate terms of the relationship that make them happy, fulfilled and enrich their person, not diminish them. Therefore, there are times when you need to walk away from unhealthy love. It doesn't mean you didn't love each other or that he is a bad person (or that you are), it just means the relationship is unhealthy.

 

3) Staying and hoping for the relationship to self-resolve has absolutely little or no chance of working out the way you want it to. Your theory is that the longer you wait it out until you're ready to walk away gives your relationship more time to develop, mature and create something that your partner will not walk away from. In tough love language, if he hasn't chosen to leave his spouse yet, he won't. A few more weeks or months just allows the cycle to continue.

 

4) You have to be healthy and whole before you can have a healthy and whole relationship. You describe yourself as diminished and somewhat broken. That means that you are now not healthy. You need to get out, get away from the relationship and get healthy.

 

5) All of this does not need to mean that this love will never be healthy and that you will never have a second chance. However, it's not healthy now and by staying, you are allowing it and you to deteriorate to a point where it may not be salvagable. But, if you walk away and get healthy - and it will hurt like absolute hell at first - you also give him the opportunity to get clarity. In that clarity, he may choose his wife, which is a good thing for you because you will finally know what his choice is and can move on. Or, he may choose you. Again, a good thing because you are now healthy and have an equal share in the balance of power in your relationship so the two of you can negotiate a healthy relationship.

 

My point is: that in all scenerios, you win. Temporarily it will hurt like hell. You may need counselling and will definitely require a good group of girlfriends to get you through. But in the long run, this is a sure-fire path to your very best future.

 

Best of luck, FA. You can ignore my advice and I will understand. I genuinely only want to see you be happy again. Whatever it takes to get there... .

[Fallen Angel]

I just want to say that I am reading every post, and taking it in. In the end I will make my decisions based on what I think is best for me. I am taking EVERYONE'S words to heart. I am not ignoring anyone's advice.

 

I trying not to respond to everyone individually because coming back to this post every few minutes hurts. I wait for a few to build up, then read through them. I am printing them off, and read through them and highlight things and write down things I need to get through my head. (Sounds crazy huh?)

 

I do not want anyone to think that if I don't go NC TODAY that I am ignoring their advice. I just know myself, and I know what I am capable of TODAY and what I am not. And if I went NC TODAY, I would just break it tomorrow... which would be an even bigger sign of weakness to him I think. So, I am working on this, and I have my first appointment with a counselor next week. I will do this at a pace that I think I can do it. But I am doing it.

[fooled once]

Fallen,

 

Do you see how loved you are on here?

 

I hope you do. Not a single person here wants to see you hurt, wants to see you beat yourself up.

 

While we all want you to find happiness with someone who loves you and only you --- only you can decide what is right for you and when.

 

We are all here for you -- to stand and support you when the time is right for you to decide enough and you want someone to wake up beside you each and every morning.

 

We are rooting for you, we care about you and you have touched us all. If not, we wouldn't have responded to you. We want you happy. We hurt because you hurt. Be good to yourself, okay?

 

((((((hugs)))))))

[DiDi123]

"How sad is that? I am 38 years old, and a man who can not love me completely, is the one person who has loved me the most. Pathetic."

 

Wow-I SO could have wrote that myself!!! Except I am 43.

I feel exactly the same way.........

[Malenfant]

I just want to say that I am reading every post, and taking it in. In the end I will make my decisions based on what I think is best for me. I am taking EVERYONE'S words to heart. I am not ignoring anyone's advice.

 

I trying not to respond to everyone individually because coming back to this post every few minutes hurts. I wait for a few to build up, then read through them. I am printing them off, and read through them and highlight things and write down things I need to get through my head. (Sounds crazy huh?)

 

I do not want anyone to think that if I don't go NC TODAY that I am ignoring their advice. I just know myself, and I know what I am capable of TODAY and what I am not. And if I went NC TODAY, I would just break it tomorrow... which would be an even bigger sign of weakness to him I think. So, I am working on this, and I have my first appointment with a counselor next week. I will do this at a pace that I think I can do it. But I am doing it.

 

good for you FA. i think the councelling is a very brave and important thing for you to do. and you're so right, you can only work at your own pace.

I hope the appointments go well. xxx

[1Angel]

Perhaps he came into your life to teach you about affection. And now you have learnt, you can go on and make a happy R with someone single. Perhaps he is a kind of bridge for you between an unhappy M and a happy future.

 

Maybe you couldn't have moved from one to the other without this bridge.

 

 

This is so sweet to write ww. FA your honesty rocks even if it is painful. You are so brave! Keep posting.

[Fallen Angel]

Thank You everyone, for your kind words and well wishes. I wish it was not pain that was universal to us all and binds us, but... anyway, I just want you all to know that your kind words are helpful right now, and that I very much appreciate you all taking the time to talk with me. The fact that you care at all about me gives me reason to smile a little bit today. Thanks again.

[MrsOhNo]

FA,

 

I've lurked these boards for a little while now and only recently decided to register. I wasn't quite sure when I would feel compelled to make my first post but, well, this thread gave me that push.

 

I'm a MOW with a MM. Long distance EA. He frequently finds himself on the receiving side of emails very similar to the letter you wrote to your MM. I, too, hit "send" and then a few minutes later begin to wish I could take it back. Not because I don't want him to know (I certainly do) but because I worry about giving him TOO MUCH information about my inner workings.

 

Anyway, I'm not wanting to threadjack here. Just want to let you know that you are far from being alone. And that your struggle is very real to me. One way or another, we will get through this, right?

 

*big hugs*

[Fallen Angel]

FA,

 

I've lurked these boards for a little while now and only recently decided to register. I wasn't quite sure when I would feel compelled to make my first post but, well, this thread gave me that push.

 

I'm a MOW with a MM. Long distance EA. He frequently finds himself on the receiving side of emails very similar to the letter you wrote to your MM. I, too, hit "send" and then a few minutes later begin to wish I could take it back. Not because I don't want him to know (I certainly do) but because I worry about giving him TOO MUCH information about my inner workings.

 

Anyway, I'm not wanting to threadjack here. Just want to let you know that you are far from being alone. And that your struggle is very real to me. One way or another, we will get through this, right?

 

*big hugs*

 

Mrs.,

 

Welcome, I am glad you decided to come out of the shadows and join us. And i very much understand what you mean about giving him too much, but the truth is for me, that I have always given him all of me, that is my nature. So I see no reason to change that now. I am who I am, and I am a feeling being who is very open about how I feel, with my friends and loved ones, and obviously I am that way online as well. I just don't know how to be any other way.

 

And yes, without question one way or another I will get through this. What does not kill us only serves to make us stronger, so one way or the other, I will be stronger in the end.

 

Again, welcome, I am glad that you have decided to start posting, I am grateful to know that my thread has brought you into what I hope will be a healing place for you. That means more to me than you know.