Dear HIM,

[Untouchable_Fire]

The fact is that I have never been worthy of you, if I was, I would be in your arms right now instead of writing this letter.

 

That is a lie. I don't even know you... yet I know you deserve more.

 

At what point in your life are you going to look in the mirror and see some value?

 

It's time you stop letting others determine your self worth!

[delirious]

All apologies for my assumption.

 

FA...I went back and skimmed your threads here on LS. Seriously, I would ask you to do the same. There is a real theme going on here and maybe, because you are in the midst of it, you have missed it. Please, go back, read your posts and the replies. I hope the trend jumps out at you.

 

Believe it or not, I'm on YOUR side. My goal, and the reason I post, is to help you end the pain you feel. And for you, it ends with marriage to him or walking away. He clearly has decided you will NOT be his W. So walk. My post was designed to make you angry (but at him ). Its unimaginably hard to turn a negative into a positive (perhaps impossible) but use the ANGER AT HIM to separate and continue living.

 

Don't listen to his words rather look at his actions. There is a significant gap between what he says and what he does. I call that gap lying. What you say is supported by what you do and vice-versa. Do his actions match what he says and vice-versa? I see huge gaps in "I love you" and going home to the W. If he loves you and with his W knowing of your A...why hasn't he filed for D? Sorry...actions and words not adding up again.

 

And what is your choice?

 

I think that frightens you...having to choose. So you don't. You let this continue not of love but of fear. Afraid to stay and afraid to go. Afraid of being alone and losing love (its unrequited) and afraid of the pain you endure every day. Sounds a miserable way to live.

 

I could list all the negatives of this man...but you have already decided I am the enemy. Attacking you, denigrating you...cheapening you. No...I'm not. Your MM DOES that (actions...look at his actions, are the really from a man who loves you).

 

It IS cut and dry. You accept the table scraps or you do not. Its sounding like you cannot - so don't.

 

And I NEVER said ANY MAN...just this one. Please don't put words in my mouth. This man, and I'm a man, thinks YOU deserve more than table scraps.

 

I'm not your enemy. I would hope that you would reread my post above. I hope you skim your historical postings here. See this MM for what he is (clue...its in how he treats you).

 

WOW so you are a bloke, nice to see you being a tad more sensitive then.

[GorillaTheater]

FallenAngel, I'm not a OM or BS (although as far as sympathy goes I admittedly generally lean toward the latter), and I don't have much to say about your letter other than I'm very sorry you're hurting. I've noticed your other posts, and you seem like a very nice and bright person with a very big heart. For what it's worth.

[Fallen Angel]

All apologies for my assumption.

 

FA...I went back and skimmed your threads here on LS. Seriously, I would ask you to do the same. There is a real theme going on here and maybe, because you are in the midst of it, you have missed it. Please, go back, read your posts and the replies. I hope the trend jumps out at you.

 

I know the trend.. I want to separate myself from him because I know that what I am doing is morally reprehensible to me. (when I am the one engaged in it.. yet oddly enough I don't judge others as morally reprehensible for doing the same.. I am a study in contradiction I know...) But, yet I refuse to let go. I get that. I see it, I live it. I just don't know what to do about it.

 

I want to let him go. But, I also want to hold on to him as tightly as I can. See, because I was so involved with him before I knew he was married, I DID have dreams that we could ride off into the sunset together... and I allowed myself to give all of me to this man. Had I known then.. it would not have ever gone where it did emotionally or physically with me. I would not have allowed it to. But since it has, I just don't know how to turn it off. I have never loved anyone (romantically) so completely. And while I know everyone says that NC is the answer, I just don't know that days/months/years with no contact will change the feelings in my soul.

 

And I am scared as hell that I will never love like that again. I lived for so long never knowing what it felt like to love and be loved, that I am terrified that I may never find that with anyone else. And despite what people think, he does love me. Not in the way I need him to love me, but more than anyone else in my life ever has.

 

How sad is that? I am 38 years old, and a man who can not love me completely, is the one person who has loved me the most. Pathetic.

[NowhereToHide]

FA... I am SO sorry you are hurting like this. I feel like this is a journey that the two of us started together. I'm a bit further along, but you have been right there with me.

 

You know that you've needed to take a step, and this certainly was a big first one. I am so proud of you. One thing you need to realize is that this isn't going to be the only one. I have stopped and started so many times on my journey. None of this is easy, and as I've said before, there's no playbook.

 

One thing we both share is the lack of feeling worthy of more... our self esteem sucks and at this time it's going to be difficult for you to feel like you are deserving of more -- BUT YOU ARE.

 

Don't listen to JW and others who are completely insensitive to what you're going through right now. You CAN continue this path that you're on. You took the first step of taking back your self respect. He isn't capable of giving you more, and it's going to hurt like hell while you mourn the fantasy of him -- of what could have been, of the possible future you could have shared.

 

Keep posting, FA. I'm here for you if you need to talk. The pain will get better, I promise. Just know that you are wonderful.... GEL's post was awesome and she's right.... we must love ourselves first.

 

You can do this, FA. We can do this together, remember?

[jwi71]

I know the trend.. I want to separate myself from him because I know that what I am doing is morally reprehensible to me. (when I am the one engaged in it.. yet oddly enough I don't judge others as morally reprehensible for doing the same.. I am a study in contradiction I know...) But, yet I refuse to let go. I get that. I see it, I live it. I just don't know what to do about it.

 

Awareness is a good start. But you FAIL to apply that awareness to him...as if he is immune from scrutiny. Excuse me...he isn't. In fact, he DESERVES the MOST scrutiny.

 

He is manipulating you, lying to you...and likely gas lighting you as well. Truly...as a poster (to you) said long ago...he is sick. Toxic. And he has infected you.

 

There is NO magic pill. No mantra. No shot to cure this...there is NO easy way out. But there is a way out...but you gotta want it.

 

What I prescribe is hard as hell. Its also 100% effective. NC. Cold turkey NC. You erase his ability to contact you. And you come here when you feel weak and wish to contact him.

 

Truly...what has changed? Nothing.

 

I want to let him go. But, I also want to hold on to him as tightly as I can.

GEL said it best...you lived before w/o him...you can do so again. In fact, you will live BETTER w/o him.

 

See, because I was so involved with him before I knew he was married, I DID have dreams that we could ride off into the sunset together... and I allowed myself to give all of me to this man. Had I known then.. it would not have ever gone where it did emotionally or physically with me.

Yup. He knew it too. So he lied. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing. He actually sounds like a toe dipper to me.

 

I would not have allowed it to. But since it has, I just don't know how to turn it off. I have never loved anyone (romantically) so completely. And while I know everyone says that NC is the answer, I just don't know that days/months/years with no contact will change the feelings in my soul.

Its unrequited love. How soon after your D did you meet him? Or did you meet him before that? My gut says this is a play of "a starving man thinks that day old bread is the greatest thing on Earth". Seen it here hundreds of times and its a normal human reaction to emotional isolation/desolation. But...this bread is POISON. You gotta walk.

 

And I am scared as hell that I will never love like that again. I lived for so long never knowing what it felt like to love and be loved, that I am terrified that I may never find that with anyone else. And despite what people think, he does love me. Not in the way I need him to love me, but more than anyone else in my life ever has.

Bullshyte. You WILL love and BE LOVED again. You WILL find a man (single) who places you on a pedestal and moves heaven and earth to only see you smile. Trust me on that. After my D, I thought no woman would a 38 year old divorced father of two. I thought no woman would EVER want me...would ever look my way. That I would never again love as I once loved my now xW. Wrong. Trust me. You WILL.

 

You won't find that with him. He's made that clear. He has lined up every excuse in the book (kids, wife illness, economy, cant sell house)...its all bullshyte.

 

How sad is that? I am 38 years old, and a man who can not love me completely, is the one person who has loved me the most. Pathetic.

I'm so sorry you interpret this as love. Its not. This ISN'T how a man in love treats the object of his love. Actions not matching words. More lies.

 

I'm going to go one step further. That letter, though heartfelt, was a HUGE mistake. In a word...it was desperate. You ceded to him all the power he needs over you. And he grabbed it. And used it. To great effect.

 

NEVER throw yourself at the feet of another. And that's, I bet, how he sees it.

 

Darling...he HAS NO reason to change. None. Not a one. His W isn't going anywhere and neither are you. She suffers. You suffer. And he just soaks it all in. If you TRULY want change...YOU must do it...he sure as hell won't.

 

So...stay or go. Go...you DESERVE better. Go get it.

 

Cold turkey NC.

[Fallen Angel]

He has lined up every excuse in the book (kids, wife illness, economy, cant sell house)...its all bullshyte.

 

I want you to know that I am taking in all you are giving me to digest. I truly appreciate the time you are taking to help me. And even though it may not appear so, I am paying attention to it all.

 

I am absorbing it, and trying to work through the chaos in my head. Thing is, these are things I have said to myself. Things I would tell other people in my same position, so I don't really disagree with anything you are saying to me.. and it all relates to my situation. But I am curious about the quote above, and wondering if perhaps you haven't read somone elses' back story and have it confused with mine.. not that it really matters, the advice is good advice.. Thank You.

[Snowflower]

 

Don't listen to JW and others who are completely insensitive to what you're going through right now. You CAN continue this path that you're on. You took the first step of taking back your self respect. He isn't capable of giving you more, and it's going to hurt like hell while you mourn the fantasy of him -- of what could have been, of the possible future you could have shared.

 

 

He is manipulating you, lying to you...and likely gas lighting you as well. Truly...as a poster (to you) said long ago...he is sick. Toxic. And he has infected you.

 

There is NO magic pill. No mantra. No shot to cure this...there is NO easy way out. But there is a way out...but you gotta want it.

 

What I prescribe is hard as hell. Its also 100% effective. NC. Cold turkey NC. You erase his ability to contact you. And you come here when you feel weak and wish to contact him.

 

Truly...what has changed? Nothing.

 

GEL said it best...you lived before w/o him...you can do so again. In fact, you will live BETTER w/o him.

 

Yup. He knew it too. So he lied. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing. He actually sounds like a toe dipper to me.

 

Its unrequited love. How soon after your D did you meet him? Or did you meet him before that? My gut says this is a play of "a starving man thinks that day old bread is the greatest thing on Earth". Seen it here hundreds of times and its a normal human reaction to emotional isolation/desolation. But...this bread is POISON. You gotta walk.

 

Bullshyte. You WILL love and BE LOVED again. You WILL find a man (single) who places you on a pedestal and moves heaven and earth to only see you smile. Trust me on that. After my D, I thought no woman would a 38 year old divorced father of two. I thought no woman would EVER want me...would ever look my way. That I would never again love as I once loved my now xW. Wrong. Trust me. You WILL.

 

 

 

FA, NTH and JW are actually saying very similar things to you here even though they think they disagree with each other...but heartbreak is heartbreak.

 

Honestly though, JW has the right idea here I think he can understand you despondency...please don't disregard his advice (or mine for that matter) just because we were BS. Intense heartbreak just plain sucks and at least in that, we are universal.

 

The best thing you can do FA, is enforce full NC in whatever way YOU need to and start to heal. Your posts are full of empathy for others which shows you have a compassionate heart...you will find someone worthy of your love and respect.

 

Your MM, even if he was SINGLE and available to you, doesn't appear to treat you in a loving way. Please think about that. Some people have lousy characters and small souls...they make terrible romantic partners and friends. It appears your MM is one of these. It isn't enough for him to hurt just one person, his BW, he also doesn't care about the pain he is causing YOU either.

 

Take care of yourself, FA.

Edited October 28, 2009 by Snowflower

[ladydesigner]

I'm going to go one step further. That letter, though heartfelt, was a HUGE mistake. In a word...it was desperate. You ceded to him all the power he needs over you. And he grabbed it. And used it. To great effect.

jwi71 while I feel this statement to be more on the blunt side I have to somewhat agree with this. I remember when I had sent my heartfelt email to XOM only to have him reiterate to me why we cannot be together anymore. Not only did he push me away AGAIN but I let him know how much power he had over me. What a f**king mistake. But let me tell you when I declared NC that suddenly got his attention and I will ALWAYS remain in NC. He is not deserving of my friendship or my love. A true friend would never had crossed that line (me and him both because we were both friends before the A started). While we were friends before the A there is no possibility of a friendship after the A. Not in my situation anyways.

 

FA as much as you and most here do not want to hear the word No Contact, I know I used to be one of them, it gave me my life back. Don't get me wrong I still miss him and sometimes still feel pain, but nothing in comparison to that waiting and the unknown, of wondering if he really means what he says. End it on your terms not his. (((FA))) Big time hugs. I wish you strength and a freedom from the hell that is an Affair.

[Fallen Angel]

QUOTE 1.) Honestly though, JW has the right idea here I think he can understand you despondency...please don't disregard his advice (or mine for that matter) just because we were BS. Intense heartbreak just plain sucks and at least in that, we are universal.

 

 

 

QUOTE 2.) Your MM, even if he was SINGLE and available to you, doesn't appear to treat you in a loving way. Please think about that. Some people have lousy characters and small souls...they make terrible romantic partners and friends. It appears your MM is one of these. It isn't enough for him to hurt just one person, his BW, he also doesn't care about the pain he is causing YOU either.

 

 

Quote 1.) I have not, nor would I disregard someone's heartfelt advice based upon their position in the triangle (even if that position were that they have never been in a triangle). The only posts I disregard are those that are obviously aimed at doing what I tell my kids is "poking an injured animal with a pointy stick". (They are just trying to prod the wound to see if they can get a reaction, sometimes in an effort to make themselves feel somehow superior). I do not see you doing that, and even though I sometimes am hurt by what is said, as long as it was not said to purposely hurt me, I try not to take offense..

 

Quote 2.) I know that in the dynamic of the affair, what he is doing to me is selfish and unfair and hurts me, that is the fact, a result of the nature of an affair. I get that.

 

But he has never been mean, hateful or spiteful to me. He has never raised his voice to me, other than when I was "beating myself up", and the few times he did it was to stop me from saying degrading things about myself. (i.e. When I told him that I felt like a whore, or that I was worthless, he would raise his voice to tell me those things were not true about me and he refused to allow me to say them about myself.)

 

He has never raised his hand to me in anger.

 

He has shown me extreme compassion for other things that have happened in my life.

 

He has shown me affection. True affection, not sexual attention... (before him I didn't know there was a difference, as all I was used to was hatefulness.. and sex with my xH was a lesson in cruelty but was the only time he ever touched me so therefor was the only "affection" I knew.)

 

But this MM taught me that affection is... holding my hand while eating dinner at the table with three kids acting insane, helping me wash the dishes afterward when I said "I can do it", just because he wanted to "be near me".

 

Affection is him taking a shower with me in the morning before work and washing my hair, my back, my feet.. drying me from head to toe, and helping me dress, all without any groping, kissing or sexual touching and then kissing the tip of my nose and telling me he thinks I am more beautiful without makeup, because then the only sparkle is the sparkle in my eyes.

 

Affection is him working a 12 hour day and then bringing the makings of dinner to my home so he could cook for me and eat dinner with me. (No time for sex... he only had two hours for meal prep and eating.)

 

Affection is him coming to my home after work to fix the broken sink, change the furnace filters, change the battery in the smoke alarm. (again no sex in exchange for these things.. he had only enough time to make my needed repairs.)

 

Affection is him asking me how my day was and really listening, and remembering, three months later, the name of someone at work that had upset me by being rude. (even though I hadn't spoken of them since)

 

Affection is him taking the time to fix my child's friend's bicycle, because it made my child happy.

 

Affection is all those things and so much more, and that is what he taught me.

 

So while I KNOW he is far from perfect, I somewhat take offense to him being made out to be a monster.

 

I will not defend his actions in being a cheater. He cheats his wife. He cheats me. He cheats us both out of being fully loved.

 

But I can not allow people to say that he has a "small soul".. besides, if he has a small soul, what does it say about me that I would be completely in love with someone who possesses such smallness?

[fooled once]

I really do not know where to start, except by saying I love you.

I am sitting here right now feeling lost, and empty, and lonely, and sad, and hopeless. And love isn't supposed to feel like that. It isn't supposed to hurt.

But it does. Loving you hurts me. Loving you feels like a lie. Loving you makes me feel "Less Than". Loving you makes me feel like a whore. Loving you makes me feel like a thief. Loving you makes me feel unimportant. Loving you makes me feel angry. Loving you makes me feel resentful. Loving you makes me ache all the way to my soul, in a way I never knew was possible.

I feel this way because I know that you will never love me the way that I love you.

I feel this way because I would move heaven and earth to be with you, but you are unwilling to do the same for me.

I feel this way because you do not love me enough to make me first.

I feel this way because you spend so much of your life denying my existence, like I am some ugly scar that you are ashamed of.

I feel this way because when I need you, you are unavailable to me.

I feel this way because I spend every holiday alone.

I feel this way because you make stupid little promises that you forget, inconsequential things really, but you are so busy in your dual life that I get lost in the shuffle.

I feel this way because I sleep alone almost every night.

I feel this way because I wanted to hold your hand today and you were not here.

I feel this way because I know if I gave you an ultimatum, I would be left alone, you would never choose me.

I feel this way because you have made me insignificant. Trivializing my love by being willing to accept all of me while only giving me a small piece of you.

I feel this way because of all the times you have whispered "I love you", and I was here wanting you to love me enough to shout it.

I feel this way because I am not important enough to you to ever meet your children.

I feel this way because I will never measure up to her in your eyes.

I feel this way because I am totally faithful to you while you go home and make love to her.

I feel this way because you tell her you love her, hell, you tell me you love her.

HOW THE FU*K ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL?

I want to tell you I hate you.

I want to tell you I will never speak to you again.

I want to tell you that you are not worthy of me.

I want to tell you that I will walk away today, and never think of you again.

But I can not say those things. They are not true.

The fact is I love you.

The fact is I don't know how to live without you in my life anymore and so will probably keep making contact with you and accepting crumbs here and there just so that I can bring myself to get out of bed in the mornings.

The fact is that I have never been worthy of you, if I was, I would be in your arms right now instead of writing this letter.

The fact is I will spend the rest of my lifetime walking around with a piece of my soul missing because it resides with you and I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life.

But I can not go on like this. It is breaking me. It makes me... diminished.

 

FA *hug*

 

My bolded parts -- you WILL learn to get out of bed each day without him (you already do --- you get up alone most days. You sit and wait for him to contact you).

 

And stop that immediately - you are MORE THAN WORTHY of him.

 

I am not sure he is worthy of you.

 

*hug*

[fooled once]

hey there,FA.....more tough day, huh? it's alright...let it out. ...here's hoping people would actually recognize the above as just venting and not flame you...

 

one day at time....you will get there...soon enough..

 

Is there a reason you have to insert negativity? NO ONE flamed her. FA is a well loved member and I don't think a single soul on here would want to hurt her. She is hurting enough.

[GreenEyedLady]

But he has never been mean, hateful or spiteful to me. He has never raised his voice to me, other than when I was "beating myself up", and the few times he did it was to stop me from saying degrading things about myself. (i.e. When I told him that I felt like a whore, or that I was worthless, he would raise his voice to tell me those things were not true about me and he refused to allow me to say them about myself.)

 

He has never raised his hand to me in anger.

 

He has shown me extreme compassion for other things that have happened in my life.

 

He has shown me affection. True affection, not sexual attention... (before him I didn't know there was a difference, as all I was used to was hatefulness.. and sex with my xH was a lesson in cruelty but was the only time he ever touched me so therefor was the only "affection" I knew.)

 

Fallen Angel

 

I know that you are hurting. But can I point out to you that the list you have given should be the BARE MINIMUM?

 

And you are worth so much more.

 

The thing is that you can get it. Maybe not from him, but you can get it. Isn't it worth the risk to raise your expectations. He apparently will do no more than the bare minimum if he doesn't have to.

 

Fight for what you need.

 

((HUGS))

[2sunny]

FA-

 

i love the email you wrote - and i am proud of you for having the courage to send it. big hugs.

 

whether or not he read it is of interest - how could he not have read it? i would certainly think that he would immediately read something from you. it's hard to tell right from the start where the truth lies if he says he didn't take time to read it.

 

he certainly jumped to the conclusion that

"Look, if you really want to break things off with me, I understand. I know it is hard for you, I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness. I love you, all i want is for you to be happy."

interesting leap he made...

 

interesting also that he constantly feeds you with "i love you" in order to keep you in his life. words are not enough.

 

it appears that he is a compassionate man - but that only goes so far. there are many compassionate, caring, loving men in life and you deserve to have one in your daily life. one who finds you HIS priority - not his work or other family.

 

the bottom line is - he will tell you what he thinks you need to hear to keep you in his life. it just doesn't seem like it's enough for you to be happy and fulfilled.

IF you were to removed him (yes, it would be a painful process)... THEN you would have room for a healthy choice in a man for your future. one that can offer you all the things you want for yourself.

 

until he is removed - HE is taking up ALL the space that another man could be making good use of - your time, attention, love, kindness and a sharing of life on a daily basis that is built on integrity and compassion with NO hidden agenda. only in your life to share with you all the beauty that you BOTH want to explore EVERY DAY!

 

you deserve all of that for yourself! he's really not offering you anything except to TELL you that he loves you and to please WAIT... you deserve more FA, you just do.

 

big hugs honey.

 

yes, i am also a BS... my heart is heavy for you. be good to yourself.

 

no one will look out for your best interest if you aren't looking out for it for yourself... now get busy. chop chop. i say that with love and compassion for you.

Edited October 29, 2009 by 2sunny

[PhoenixRise]

FallenAngel

 

 

First let me say that your letter was heartbreaking.

It was beautiful because it was an expression of your feelings and you clearly have deep feelings for this man. But it was heartbreaking because you clearly value him wayyyyyy more than you value you.

 

I don't know what happened in your past that got you to this point. I don't know what kind of hellish relationships you have endured that so completely degraded your sense of self worth to the point where you don't seem to know that it is ok to have expectations of the people who say they love us.

 

If you are not already, Fallen Angel, please consider getting some counseling. You need an objective person to help you regain your self esteem.

 

Because GEL is right....the things you are listing that prove his love....FA, those kinds of things are the bare minimum that a man should be doing. I wish you could see that your expectations should be so much higher.

 

Of course you are worthy of him...the problem is that you don't see that he is not worthy of you. AND MM can't rebuild your self esteem, no matter how many times he raises his voice at you because you are putting yourself down. He can't do it because at the end of the day he won't put you first and truly, he can't do it because he is benefiting from your low self esteem.

 

 

He is not giving you what you want or need.....but he IS meeting your expectations.

[MizzBlue72]

FA -

Yes, it does appear that when MM believe they are ready to lose the OW, they begin to make promises and might even lie to keep the OW.

 

Keep strong!! You will get through this.

[Devil Inside]

I know that I am not your MM...but I have been an MM to a wonderful woman. I know this may be hallow and insignificant...but for what it is worth...I am sorry. I am sorry you have been put second. You do deserve more. This is not what love is supposed to be.

[Fallen Angel]

Okay, so help me to understand please. People keep telling me he is doing the minimum. And in terms of the fact that he is not making me the "only one", i get that. But besides that, what more should I expect from a man? I mean, obviously I listed only a few of the things I think show his affection for me, there are so many other day to day things that he does... I was just pointing out that he is not just all words, but actions with his affection. Really, outside of the dual relationship (huge I know), he has treated me so incredibly well. He has always been loving, kind and considerate. What more could I possibly expect from any man, even a single one?

[Malenfant]

Okay, so help me to understand please. People keep telling me he is doing the minimum. And in terms of the fact that he is not making me the "only one", i get that. But besides that, what more should I expect from a man? I mean, obviously I listed only a few of the things I think show his affection for me, there are so many other day to day things that he does... I was just pointing out that he is not just all words, but actions with his affection. Really, outside of the dual relationship (huge I know), he has treated me so incredibly well. He has always been loving, kind and considerate. What more could I possibly expect from any man, even a single one?

 

 

His undivided attention.

 

i could go on but i think that says it all.

I have felt this way about a man I couldnt have. i understand how you are feeling. It took a long time to break away but life is just so much better now I cant tell you.

Life is too short to wish your time away until the next phone call or meeting.

[delajoonal]

Okay, so help me to understand please. People keep telling me he is doing the minimum. And in terms of the fact that he is not making me the "only one", i get that. But besides that, what more should I expect from a man? I mean, obviously I listed only a few of the things I think show his affection for me, there are so many other day to day things that he does... I was just pointing out that he is not just all words, but actions with his affection. Really, outside of the dual relationship (huge I know), he has treated me so incredibly well. He has always been loving, kind and considerate. What more could I possibly expect from any man, even a single one?

fallen...

 

your OP was amazing, heartfelt and heart breaking...i felt IT in MY soul..what's left of my soul anyway...

 

weird how this works...

 

i am a BS, and you the OW, yet we are both in the same pain..

 

My H left me for his first love, the computer, long before his online EA/OW.

 

i never felt first...i never felt like i got 100% of what i deserved.

 

then add in 14 years of this, and then OW...and well, there you have it..

 

i am gargabe to my H...disposable and worth nothing.

 

your words in your OP, were words that have been choked up inside of me for years...like i said, funny how that works, i am a BS, and you are an OW...

 

yet we have so much in common...unfortunately its immense pain...

and for this i am truly sorry...

 

fallen, you know i love you doll!~

 

you are an amazing soul...i wish i could hug your pain away...

because today, right now...your simply A WOMAN in PAIN...

i don't see you as the OW...just a woman..like me..in love and in pain.

 

and i am sorry for us both.

 

and i Pray that one day, we both find the Love we BOTH deserve!

 

to be cherished, adored...treated with respect, kindness and love.

 

fallen...thank you again for sharing your deepest pain and putting it into words that effects us all..ALL WOMEN...

 

u have suffered to much from too many..

 

it is time for you to reach deep within and grab a hold of YOUR soul and hold IT tight and hold it and protect it...you must let got of this man that is destroying you inside...you are much too young and beautiful and have too much to offer someone who will adore you!

 

we both have the make that decision to NOT let these men hurt us and control our lives any longer...we must take our Souls back and guard them with our lives...

 

we can do this Fallen...we CAN DO THIS!

 

im here for you sweetie!

[turnstone]

But he has never been mean, hateful or spiteful to me.

 

Really? You honestly believe that? What do you call everything he does that damages you and your emotional well being?

 

And those acts that you list as affectionate seem more about control to me.

 

You ask what it says about you, and I wonder if this is what keeps you there, that deep down you know he's bad news and are worried that by admitting that, you will feel awful (even more awful?) about yourself. Or maybe its the whole 'failure' thing? I know how that goes.

 

Its a goddamn shame. You are worth much, much more and could very easily get, much, much more.

[fooled once]

I ditto 'his undivided attention'.

 

When he is out of town, YOU should be the only woman he calls.

 

He shouldn't have to sneak to call you, to see you.

 

You shouldn't have to share.

 

Those are huge FA - HUGE. He should be able to shout to the world he loves you, but he can't.

 

((hug))

[wheelwright]

'He has shown me affection. True affection, not sexual attention... (before him I didn't know there was a difference, as all I was used to was hatefulness.. and sex with my xH was a lesson in cruelty but was the only time he ever touched me so therefor was the only "affection" I knew.)

 

But this MM taught me that affection is... holding my hand while eating dinner at the table with three kids acting insane, helping me wash the dishes afterward when I said "I can do it", just because he wanted to "be near me". '

Perhaps he came into your life to teach you about affection. And now you have learnt, you can go on and make a happy R with someone single. Perhaps he is a kind of bridge for you between an unhappy M and a happy future.

 

Maybe you couldn't have moved from one to the other without this bridge.

 

He doesn't sound like a monster at all. But he must have some buried issues to continue his life in this triangle.

 

Wishing you well.

[Devil Inside]

Okay, so help me to understand please. People keep telling me he is doing the minimum. And in terms of the fact that he is not making me the "only one", i get that. But besides that, what more should I expect from a man? I mean, obviously I listed only a few of the things I think show his affection for me, there are so many other day to day things that he does... I was just pointing out that he is not just all words, but actions with his affection. Really, outside of the dual relationship (huge I know), he has treated me so incredibly well. He has always been loving, kind and considerate. What more could I possibly expect from any man, even a single one?

 

FA I get you. In many ways the little part of him that he does give you is so much better than someone could give you full time. I know in my affair my xAP got a part of me that was loving, kind, and affectionate. No man had ever treated her that way. She was willing to have me in this limited fashion then not at all.

 

However...what more can you expect? You should expect to be with a man that does not make you feel the things you had to feel to write that original post...that is what you should expect from a man...and from yourself.

 

Hang in there.

[jwi71]

Okay, so help me to understand please. People keep telling me he is doing the minimum. And in terms of the fact that he is not making me the "only one", i get that. But besides that, what more should I expect from a man? I mean, obviously I listed only a few of the things I think show his affection for me, there are so many other day to day things that he does... I was just pointing out that he is not just all words, but actions with his affection. Really, outside of the dual relationship (huge I know), he has treated me so incredibly well. He has always been loving, kind and considerate. What more could I possibly expect from any man, even a single one?

 

His ACTIONS:

 

1) You are NOT 100% completely in the open and legitimate (still an A)

2) He chooses to give you only part time affection

3) He refuses to commit to YOU (with divorce from W and M to you)

4) He keeps YOU away from his children

5) Lies, dishonesty and deceit

6) Disrespects YOUR wishes, wants and needs.

 

A GOOD Man:

 

1) Sings praises to all he knows of you. You, not he, are on the pedestal.

2) Spends his days and nights with you, every day and every night

3) Commits to YOU, your children and your well being.

4) Harbors no secrets nor lies or deceives

5) Your WANTS trump his NEEDS

6) His words and actions align...each supporting the other

7) Wants YOU to meet HIS mother...but he may not be so thrilled to meet your father (some things never change)

 

And, really FA, cheating is a HUGE red flag. Think of what he says about his beliefs on M and commitment. Remember how he engaged you at first...with lies...what good, honest man of integrity does that...right, they don't.

 

JW