tami-chan Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 so my BH's famous quote is "its easier to beg forgiveness then to ask permisson" - does that count here or what??? NEVER beg. if you have to beg for it, it is not worth keeping. You can work for it, or work at it....but never beg. The moment you beg, you lose your value and you are not worth keeping. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 NEVER beg. if you have to beg for it, it is not worth keeping. You can work for it, or work at it....but never beg. The moment you beg, you lose your value and you are not worth keeping. Yeah, but you missed the overall intent of the question by bogging down on "beg." Change it to: "It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission." I think it was a facetious question anyway... Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Yeah, but you missed the overall intent of the question by bogging down on "beg." Change it to: "It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission." I think it was a facetious question anyway... didnt miss it....the word BEG just glared at me and I zeroed in on it-so sue me ....some people always want for the WS to beg, crawl, bleed for forgiveness... anyway,facetious, eh?...how dismissive and quite frankly, arrogant. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 OP, thank you for your clarifications. I think that you are trying to be honest about this, but I don't think you have thought this through, enough. MS. Red is correct about one important thing. If you go through with this, you nor your husband will ever be the same again, your relationship will change permanently. So you'd better be absolutely sure of what you want. If things work out, fine, but if it goes bad, you should accept all of the blame. BTW, many people on BOTH sides of the issue are Arrogant. IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GotItBad Posted October 28, 2009 Author Share Posted October 28, 2009 BoldJack, I realize there is/was much that I am blind to in regards to this. I guess that's why I posted here. To consider everything. Ms Red's point certainly did make an impression when I read it. The best thing I have on my side is time...time to really sort things out in my head and my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
HarmonyHope Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Darn it dood! Why must everyone play by "your rules"? It's not friggen black and white for some people. You drill it into our brains on your posts here on LS that your rules are black and white. But that doesn't mean that everyone has to follow what you believe. JEEZE!!!! I think there are plenty of relationships where that kind of division is ok. My boyfriend is totally ok with me being sexually involved with other women and whether I tell him or not is up to me. He draws the line at other men. I hear ya about not trusting what your SO says is "ok". My boyfriend claims he would be ok with it if we had clear rules and he were involved if I was with another guy, but I tend not to trust that. I suspect he'd be upset by it later, and I'd rather not risk it. Likewise, I think I'd be ok with with him and another woman if we were all together in the heat of the moment, but I'm pretty sure it'd be too upsetting for me later, so I won't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
JumpinJimmy Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 (edited) For 50 yrs old you sure are acting selfish and immature. You made the commitment now show some honor and integrity stick to him and your family. Tough S*** if your husband isn't perfect and fufillls only 95% of your needs. You married the guy and now your bored..pity the next husband. BTW, be ready to give it up to fufill the PA part...he will not feed your EA without any return...for long. If he says or you think otherwise, he lying or you are fooling yourself. Edited October 28, 2009 by JumpinJimmy Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 anyway,facetious, eh?...how dismissive and quite frankly, arrogant. Sorry, your comment is ambiguous. Are you talking about the OP for asking the question, or me for opining that it might have been meant whimsically? Link to post Share on other sites
pollswolls Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 BTW, be ready to give it up to fufill the PA part...he will not feed your EA without any return...for long. If he says or you think otherwise, he lying or you are fooling yourself. BTW - That's not always true. I had a EA for years that never turned physical & now we're just very dear friends. So, men don't always want the woman to "Give Up Da Goods":) Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 I was trying to inject a little humor. You said I should forsake all "men". So, I was asking if that meant that I could get it on with a woman and that would be ok by "your rules" But I see you corrected yourself and changed it to "forsake all others." actually my original comment was forsake all OTHER men. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Darn it dood! Why must everyone play by "your rules"? its not my rules, its the rules of marriage. if you dont want to adhere to the rules of marriage........don't be married:o and why can't you answer the simple question? if you don't want to forsake all other men, why be married? Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 (edited) LOL...this is amazing....some of you *cough" ikjh, dexter, et al *cough* already say she is having an affair! last time I check, it took at least two people to be in an affair, even an emotional one Read my post again. I said she was already cheating emotionally...not having an affair. if she wants someone else and wants to pursue that person in real life, she IS being emotionally unfaithful. ....apparently, you can't even think through things these days because the moment you are attracted to someone, fuggedaboutit! YOU ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR IN YOUR OWN MIND! no matter if the other person know you exist or not.... in case you don't understand or just dont want to see it...there is a BIG difference between simply being attracted to other people, which is natural, and WANTING TO PURSUE and ACT upon that attraction. Edited October 28, 2009 by Dexter Morgan Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 in case you don't understand or just dont want to see it...there is a BIG difference between simply being attracted to other people, which is natural, and WANTING TO PURSUE and ACT upon that attraction. In your definition if someone even THINKS about having an affair/being with someone else, etc. That equals CHEATING:rolleyes: Wow. Your world really is black & white isn't it. Next thing you know we'll have to spill the beans to our husbands about erotic dreams we have about other men (& visa versa) Because god forbid we keep that to ourselves.... That would be cheating too? Right Dex? Let me ask you this - Since men have, what is it, 11 or 12 on average erections a day - & the majority of those are because a pretty girl passes by - Does that constitute cheating as well? The bottom line is that there are many definitions of a marriage. Some have open marriages, some by RELIGIOUS reasons have many wives - Not all cases are cut & dry as you would like for them to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GotItBad Posted October 28, 2009 Author Share Posted October 28, 2009 For 50 yrs old you sure are acting selfish and immature. You made the commitment now show some honor and integrity stick to him and your family. Tough S*** if your husband isn't perfect and fufillls only 95% of your needs. You married the guy and now your bored..pity the next husband. BTW, be ready to give it up to fufill the PA part...he will not feed your EA without any return...for long. If he says or you think otherwise, he lying or you are fooling yourself. Yes, I am 50 years old, but not ACTING upon ANYTHING. WHERE did I write that I was leaving him.... WHERE did I write that I was bored? I never wrote this. Since when is it a crime to question something? Man, you are sooooo off the mark. Go back and re-read, I never said the OM was even aware that I was having an EA, so how can he want something in return? Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 In your definition if someone even THINKS about having an affair/being with someone else, etc. That equals CHEATING:rolleyes: Wow. Your world really is black & white isn't it. Next thing you know we'll have to spill the beans to our husbands about erotic dreams we have about other men (& visa versa) Because god forbid we keep that to ourselves.... That would be cheating too? Right Dex? Do you really think there is no difference between a dream while asleep vs. fantasizing about someone all day? I mean seriously... the woman is fantasizing about having an affair. She just came on the board to ask how to get permission for it from her husband. You really can't see the difference? My guess is that OP is not entirely happy with her life... husband is disconnected for whatever reason. She starts playing tennis again and is sharing that good experience with another guy, and she associates that with him. Blam... she wants an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Yes, I am 50 years old, but not ACTING upon ANYTHING. WHERE did I write that I was leaving him.... WHERE did I write that I was bored? I never wrote this. Since when is it a crime to question something? Man, you are sooooo off the mark. Go back and re-read, I never said the OM was even aware that I was having an EA, so how can he want something in return? That is a good point... without the OM's involvement... it really isn't a standard EA. Personally, I think your using this other guy to focus on... so that you don't have to actually do the work of fixing your marriage. That would be very hard, because it requires changing attitudes and routines. Any chance your Husband could get involved with your tennis life? He sounds kind of disconnected from you. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Personally, I think your using this other guy to focus on... so that you don't have to actually do the work of fixing your marriage. That would be very hard, because it requires changing attitudes and routines. I think this is a very good point to consider. Grass is greener, new guy stirs up long silent desires - that part of it all has the feel of a standard affair start. But the fantasy of getting the husband to agree to it is definitely an easier path to consider than doing the hard work and making the hard decisions. Again, with all due respect to those who make the "Lifestyle" work - and I don't question that it's possible - I would guess that the chances of converting a husband over to that thinking, deep into the marriage, "late in the game" as it were, without causing irreversable, fundamental damage is relatively slim. Like I said earlier, even the OP started out saying "never in a million years..." about herself. Isn't it likely that her husband would feel the same way, especially since he's the one without another option waiting out there? I'm not saying such arrangements are inherently wrong, I'm not even saying you're wrong for considering bringing it up. I just think - given your situation as you've described it - it's a powder keg. Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 I am just wondering if anyone else has thought of this... Endorphins are endogenous opioid polypeptide compounds. They are produced by the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus in vertebrates during strenuous exercise,[1] excitement, pain and orgasm,[2][3] and they resemble the opiates in their abilities to produce analgesia and a feeling of well-being. Endorphins have also been shown to be released in profound relaxation in a float tank.[4] Endorphins work as "natural pain relievers." The term "endorphin" implies a pharmacological activity (analogous to the activity of the corticosteroid category of biochemicals) as opposed to a specific chemical formulation. It consists of two parts: endo- and -orphin; these are short forms of the words endogenous and morphine, intended to mean "a morphine-like substance originating from within the body." If endorphin rush can cause such wonderful feelings, and intense excercise can cause endorphin rush, then is it not possible that OP is having these "feelings" about how wonderful this tennis coach is simply because he happens to be the one who is with her when she experiences her endorphin highs?? It is not HIM, per se, that makes her feel good, but she simply feels so wonderful when he is around because that is when she is vigorously exercising, and is getting her morphine like high? Just a thought... *shrug* Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 In your definition if someone even THINKS about having an affair/being with someone else, etc. That equals CHEATING:rolleyes: Wow. Your world really is black & white isn't it. read again, I said "WANTING TO PURSUE and ACT upon that attraction", not simply having an attraction and fantasizing an affair. Big difference in fantasizing and laying the groundwork to actually do it. Next thing you know we'll have to spill the beans to our husbands about erotic dreams we have about other men (& visa versa) Because god forbid we keep that to ourselves.... That would be cheating too? Right Dex? nope, read next time and you'll see thats not what I said. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 I am just wondering if anyone else has thought of this... Endorphins are endogenous opioid polypeptide compounds. They are produced by the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus in vertebrates during strenuous exercise,[1] excitement, pain and orgasm,[2][3] and they resemble the opiates in their abilities to produce analgesia and a feeling of well-being. Endorphins have also been shown to be released in profound relaxation in a float tank.[4] Endorphins work as "natural pain relievers." The term "endorphin" implies a pharmacological activity (analogous to the activity of the corticosteroid category of biochemicals) as opposed to a specific chemical formulation. It consists of two parts: endo- and -orphin; these are short forms of the words endogenous and morphine, intended to mean "a morphine-like substance originating from within the body." If endorphin rush can cause such wonderful feelings, and intense excercise can cause endorphin rush, then is it not possible that OP is having these "feelings" about how wonderful this tennis coach is simply because he happens to be the one who is with her when she experiences her endorphin highs?? It is not HIM, per se, that makes her feel good, but she simply feels so wonderful when he is around because that is when she is vigorously exercising, and is getting her morphine like high? Just a thought... *shrug* It takes a VERY vigorous workout to hit your endorphins. They call it runners high for a reason. I used to get it after mile 9 which is like 70 minutes of continuous running. I never got it from tennis. Chances are she feels good because she is getting away from her stress, and breaking out of her role as mom/wife. That is probably twice the high you would get from endorphins. Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 It takes a VERY vigorous workout to hit your endorphins. They call it runners high for a reason. I used to get it after mile 9 which is like 70 minutes of continuous running. I never got it from tennis. Chances are she feels good because she is getting away from her stress, and breaking out of her role as mom/wife. That is probably twice the high you would get from endorphins. lol.. maybe so, I actually thought of this though because I was talking with a friend today about how when i get completely depressed to the point of not wanting to climb out of bed, my kids (my lil saviours) sense my sadness and know that a "quick mommy fix" is in order. They will crank up the music in the living room, grab me by the hand, and drag me in to dance with them. We dance like idiots with complete abandon for about an hour, and suddenly it feels like a huge wieght is lifted off of my shoulders for a few hours. I suggested that at that time I feel some of the deepest love for my children because they have shown me how much they love me by spending quality time just being silly with me to make me feel better. She jokingly suggested that it was "just the endorphins kicking in" and that after they wear off that is why I am able to switch back into mommy mode and b*tch at the kids for not cleaning their room. Anyway, she is doing something she really is enjoying, and as you suggested, is away from mommy/wife role, but I still think it is just because this man happens to be near her during this time that he is "the one". I suggest that if her husband would join her, and they could share that time together away from the stresses of home, just having fun and getting some physical tension out, instead of doing that with "tennis guy", that the husband would quickly be seen as "the one" and would fulfill the remaining 5% she seems to be lacking with him now. Link to post Share on other sites
JumpinJimmy Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 Well GIB, your own words are speaking volumes. 1. Yes, I admit, at least from my standpoint, that I am in an EA. That IS cheating and an action..nobody says it has to be recipricated to be cheating. As DM, said in case you don't understand or just dont want to see it...there is a BIG difference between simply being attracted to other people, which is natural, and WANTING TO PURSUE and ACT upon that attraction Which is exactly what you're doing. You are going on this forum as an un-apologetic cheater and you expect the posters on here to shower you with sympathy and a bunch of " I feel for you sister" comments and tell you what you want to hear. Well you can live in la la land and spin doctor it all you want, but it will not change the fact that you have already betrayed your husband, and most of the posters see it plain as day. This part is not plain as day, but again they are in you're own words I don’t want to have an affair.And I don’t want to have a deeply serious relationship. Even if I were single, I know this OM and I probably wouldn’t work out in the long run of things. I just want to spend some time with him, and to be honest, I want to express to him physically how I feel about him, how much he means to me.There is the possibility that he would want nothing to do with this. But I would like to have the freedom to pursue this if the timing was right. I admit that I fear the possibility of rejection from the OM, but I would regret never pursuing this even more. I have never seen anyone contradict themselves so many times in the same paragraph. "I don't want an affair" yet you want to "express to him physically how I feel about him". Wow, the last I checked, if you do that when your married, then that is an affair. Even better is this " I don’t want to have a deeply serious relationship" yet again, "I just want to spend some time with him, and to be honest, I want to express to him physically how I feel about him, how much he means to me" sounds pretty deeply serious. Again this is in your own words. So you can defend your actions and call me out to re-read your posts, and when I did read them again, your own words convicted you. All I know, is I want some of that kool-aid that your drinking to not see this, and in exchange I will bring some matches to help you along with burning down your marriage and family....on that's right, the fire is already started. Eventually for me, that connection caught fire and I started to become intensely attracted to him. . In your own words. Link to post Share on other sites
JumpinJimmy Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 BTW - That's not always true. I had a EA for years that never turned physical & now we're just very dear friends. So, men don't always want the woman to "Give Up Da Goods":) PW, lucky for you and the other .00001% of OW out there. There are rarely absolutes with relationships and people. I am just speaking from my own experience and the several thousand OW posters who did "Give Up Da Goods". Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 BoldJack, I realize there is/was much that I am blind to in regards to this. I guess that's why I posted here. To consider everything. Ms Red's point certainly did make an impression when I read it. The best thing I have on my side is time...time to really sort things out in my head and my heart. You are doing the right thing. Ignore those that act as if you are a harlot that should be hung in the town square. Good luck and I wish you well. =^-^= Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 its not my rules, its the rules of marriage. if you don't want to adhere to the rules of marriage........don't be married:o You have no idea what the rules of marriage I agreed to with my husband are. They are not across the board for every person joined in matrimony. and why can't you answer the simple question? if you don't want to forsake all other men, why be married? Because there are other reasons to be married outside of "your perceived view". You think it's your way or it's wrong. You are wrong in that view. Get it? I have a question for you and your view: So, with the way I described my marriage now (previously in this thread) and my husband having a girlfriend and all. Even though I could give a $hit what he does in his relationships, is he a cheater by your perceived "rules of marriage"? Link to post Share on other sites
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