How to ask for an open marriage.

[Ms. Red]

Well whether or not you got physical with this man, you are already cheating on him. You are already unfaithful.

 

You have the guts to develop something with this other man, just have the guts to come out and say it.

 

You THINK you would be okay with your H with another woman? So basically here is what would more than likely happen. You will want your double standard. You will want to bone this other man, but think about it...imagine your husband getting sucked off by another woman and enjoying it....or another woman riding him like he's never been rode before......think you can handle that?

 

In any case, just come out and say it. Because its clear you really aren't fit for marriage. And if your husband wants no part of an open marriage and ends up divorcing you....then that is what is in the cards for you. Because you aren't going to be happy staying faithful to your husband.

 

And if he is into it and wants to do it...then great!!! Just don't complain when another woman makes him cum.

 

Sorry to be so graphic, but that is exactly how it is and how you will look at it.

 

So you have the tits enough to develop some kind of sexually interested relationship with Mr. Tennis Pro......have the tits to ask for that which you really want. Otherwise all you are going to end up doing is cheating behind his back and that isn't fair to him.

 

So which is it? She's all ready cheating on him or if she asks for what she wants it will be ok otherwise "all she will end of doing is cheating behind his back. Which is it?

[Ms. Red]

OP, I had the same situation and openly discussed it with my husband. We had numerous discussions about the potential of me hooking up w/ someone when I went to an out of state gaming convention with gamers I had met through him. He repeatedly told me he did not care if it happened because he knew the difference between love and lust.

 

Well, I went through with it. I never intended on telling him because no good or bad would have come from it. Later, there was a chance he would come across the information and so I told him. His response: "I can't believe you cheated on me!"

 

After all the discussions and assurances that he was fine with it, when reality hit him, he felt different. You can never anticipate the result in the end. I'm not telling you either way what to do. All I'm going to say is think long and hard if you're willing to risk your husband never seeing you the same as he did before the "deed" was done.

[boldjack]

Ms REd is right, If you do either, try an open marriage or have an affair, the marriage you had before, will be gone. You may not want the marriage you have after. If any.

[confusedinkansas]

He repeatedly told me he did not care if it happened because he knew the difference between love and lust.

 

"I can't believe you cheated on me!"

 

OMG - This is pretty much what happened to me. (years ago)

 

I'm not condoning what the poster is considering doing - but asking couldn't be any worse than just going behind his back and "doing it"

 

You THINK you would be okay with your H with another woman?

Kind of disgusting how you put this Dex - But THIS sentance is something that GotItBad most definitely needs to consider. Even though there are several forms of an open marriage - You still have to be prepared for the other party to get what's rightfully his in the deal. Think about that GIB!

 

How's the old saying go........WHAT'S GOOD FOR THE GOOSE IS GOOD FOR THE GANDER.

[ADF]

I think an open marrieg is something you need to negotiate at the beginning of your married life together. Asking for an open marriage just becuase you've met someone you'd like to have an affair with--which is what this sounds like--is never, ever gonna fly.

[Dexter Morgan]

If my wife asks for an open marriage, I'm going to start thinking about the logistics of divorce. If I found out that she asked so that she'd have a license to screw a certain guy in particular, then I'm going to do more than merely consider divorce. I'm not sure that counts as "freaking out", but it's a possibility that the OP may want to consider in her own situation. It's a high-stakes game she's playing.

 

if someone asked for an open relationship, first words out of my mouth without thinking twice are "get out"

[Dexter Morgan]

So which is it? She's all ready cheating on him or if she asks for what she wants it will be ok otherwise "all she will end of doing is cheating behind his back. Which is it?

 

you obviously didn't understand what I posted.

 

I said whether she has been physically unfaithful, she already has been unfaithful......as in emotionally unfaithful and emotional cheating.

 

as far as "all she'll end up doing is cheating behind his back", I would be referring to the full blown betrayal, sex and all.

 

got it now?

[Dexter Morgan]

OP, I had the same situation and openly discussed it with my husband. We had numerous discussions about the potential of me hooking up w/ someone when I went to an out of state gaming convention with gamers I had met through him. He repeatedly told me he did not care if it happened because he knew the difference between love and lust.

 

Well, I went through with it. I never intended on telling him because no good or bad would have come from it. Later, there was a chance he would come across the information and so I told him. His response: "I can't believe you cheated on me!"

 

After all the discussions and assurances that he was fine with it, when reality hit him, he felt different. You can never anticipate the result in the end. I'm not telling you either way what to do. All I'm going to say is think long and hard if you're willing to risk your husband never seeing you the same as he did before the "deed" was done.

 

which begs the question, if you want to #%$& another man, why be married in the first place?

 

why not divorce and you can be free to bone as many different men as you like?

Edited October 27, 2009 by Dexter Morgan

[confusedinkansas]

why not divorce and you can be free to bone different, and as many men as you like?

 

There's more than one way to have a marriage. Not everything is black & white in this world like you would like for us to believe. There are no rule books that say "It has to be like this PERIOD....No other ways are acceptable"

 

Lots & Lots of people live the "Lifestyle" on a daily basis & their marriages are no worse for the wear. So don't dog the guy that decides to have a different or unconventional marriage.

[Dexter Morgan]

There's more than one way to have a marriage. Not everything is black & white in this world like you would like for us to believe. There are no rule books that say "It has to be like this PERIOD....No other ways are acceptable"

 

uh, in case you didn't read what she said, her husband obviously doesn't want that "lifestyle".

 

therefore, if he now considers it cheating, and she wants to bone other men, then she either has to

 

1) suck it up, never f##k another man other than her husband again

 

2) go behind husband's back and cheat, which she'd probably do since she will want her itch scratched

 

or

 

3) divorce and she can screw whoever she likes without worrying about betraying someone.

 

 

Lots & Lots of people live the "Lifestyle" on a daily basis & their marriages are no worse for the wear.

 

again, you must not have caught the part that indicates the husband doesn't want the lifestyle afterall. So unless she is willing to forsake all other men from here on out.......they aint gonna be living this lifestyle unless he becomes a spineless cuckold.

 

 

So don't dog the guy that decides to have a different or unconventional marriage.

 

the husband in question didn't decide to have that unconventional marriage......did he? If he did, then hey, more power to them.

 

But he didn't.

[Trimmer]

But I also think that throwing away a very long term marriage over something that can be fixed is just not a smart move. And IF it can be fixed (however that is accomplished) then it should be.

 

The poster here has not had an affair Looks like she's contemplating one. I wouldn't recommend it - that's why I think that asking her husband about his take on open marriage - is a good first step (If she thinks he won't freak out)

Your points are generally good, right up to the point where you consider asking about an open marriage being a good first step. I'm not going to criticize anyone who comes to a mutual agreement on open marriage, but given the situation in this poster's life, asking the husband about having an open marriage as a first step is a bell she can't un-ring, and quite likely to open up a can of worms that may take her to places where she can't fix the marriage.

 

Why not open an honest dialog about "our" marriage first - the one this pretty-good husband thinks he's involved in - before talking about taking it outside, which, all due respect to the "Lifestyle", is likely to be taken as the beginning-of-the-end by a lot of people. (And remember, I'm not criticizing that lifestyle, I'm talking about how a lot of people in a status quo marriage would hear this proposal.)

 

Yet how do you say to your spouse, “I would like for us to consider an open marriage”? As much as I can imagine, I think I would be okay if my husband had the same arrangement with another woman.

 

Would you have been as open to the idea of him being with another woman one or two or five years ago? How would you have felt about him proposing such an arrangement back then? Really be honest with yourself here. You started your own post with "Never in a million years..." I think that gives us some idea.

 

You should be prepared that your husband may well have that kind of reaction.

 

Like others, I am concerned that this doesn't seem to be a true change of life-view, as much as looking for a mechanism to avail yourself of a particular opportunity. Hey, at least I have to give you credit for trying to figure out a way to do it "honestly" and make it work for your husband. That, at least, is better than just doing it and hiding it and justifying it with some irrational rationalizations. I'm just not real encouraged about the probability that it really will work for your husband - even if you talk him into saying 'yes' - or that you will be able to navigate through this without some damage to your marriage.

[Ms. Red]

which begs the question, if you want to #%$& another man, why be married in the first place?

 

why not divorce and you can be free to bone as many different men as you like?

 

Because according to my husband, it didn't matter to him. If he had a different attitude about my possible "hook-up" then I would have never went against his wishes.

 

There's more than one way to have a marriage. Not everything is black & white in this world like you would like for us to believe. There are no rule books that say "It has to be like this PERIOD....No other ways are acceptable"

 

Lots & Lots of people live the "Lifestyle" on a daily basis & their marriages are no worse for the wear. So don't dog the guy that decides to have a different or unconventional marriage.

 

Agree! My husband moved out over 3 years ago after I kicked him out for betraying me. Which had nothing to do with infidelity whatsoever for those who would like to go there!

 

He subsequently hooked up with a married woman who left her husband and 4 children to be my husband's "girlfriend" as she refers to herself. While I don't agree with her decisions that affect her family, I could give a rats a$$ that my husband has a girlfriend. And yet we remain married (living separate) without so much as a legal separation. But I guess those die-hard "my-way or your immoral" preachers think my husband is a current cheater too!

[confusedinkansas]

uh, in case you didn't read what she said, her husband obviously doesn't want that "lifestyle".

 

I don't see anywhere in here where the original poster Got It Bad said that her husband didn't want the lifestyle. She's only posted one time.

 

the husband in question didn't decide to have that unconventional marriage......did he? If he did, then hey, more power to them.

How do we know this - Again....She's only posted one time.

 

Now if we're referring to Ms Red....Then that's a different thing. Her husband sounds like he was one I have referred to in the past as

an IN THEORY guy.......In Theory....sharing your wife seems like a real hot idea & he'd get his rocks off.....But the REALITY OF IT BITES THE BIG ONE!

(my husband way back when was that guy too)

[Ms. Red]

uh, in case you didn't read what she said, her husband obviously doesn't want that "lifestyle".

 

Yeah, something he told me after the fact he said he didn't care and I had all ready done what he said was OK.

 

therefore, if he now considers it cheating, and she wants to bone other men, then she either has to

 

1) suck it up, never f##k another man other than her husband again[/Quote]

 

which I have not done since the one incident.

 

2) go behind husband's back and cheat, which she'd probably do since she will want her itch scratched

 

Nope! Once I realized he felt different I would have never done it again. (Even though that point is moot now w/ the info I posted on my previous post)

 

 

or

 

divorce and she can screw whoever she likes without worrying about betraying someone.

Unless we separate and agree to live both our lives how we see fit from here until we may divorce some day.

 

 

 

 

again, you must not have caught the part that indicates the husband doesn't want the lifestyle afterall. So unless she is willing to forsake all other men from here on out.......they aint gonna be living this lifestyle unless he becomes a spineless cuckold.

 

 

 

 

the husband in question didn't decide to have that unconventional marriage......did he? If he did, then hey, more power to them.

 

But he didn't.

 

All ready addressed above.

[Dexter Morgan]

Because according to my husband, it didn't matter to him. If he had a different attitude about my possible "hook-up" then I would have never went against his wishes.

 

thats irrelevant. it is your desire to have sex with other men, thats why you proposed you should be able to do so.

 

So correct me if I'm wrong, your desire to screw other men didn't go away.

 

So you either will have to forsake all other men, cheat behind his back, or get a divorce so you can pursue your other men.

 

which route will you take?

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't see anywhere in here where the original poster Got It Bad said that her husband didn't want the lifestyle. She's only posted one time.

 

*sigh*....please stick with the discussion. I wasn't replying to Got It Bad, I was replying to someone whose husband obviously didn't want the lifestyle.

 

 

Now if we're referring to Ms Red....Then that's a different thing.

 

well HALLELUJAH!!!!!! I think you got it now.

[Ms. Red]

thats irrelevant. it is your desire to have sex with other men, thats why you proposed you should be able to do so.

 

So correct me if I'm wrong, your desire to screw other men didn't go away.

 

So you either will have to forsake all other men, cheat behind his back, or get a divorce so you can pursue your other men.

 

which route will you take?

 

 

If I had known my husband's ultimate feelings on this that once he found out that I went through with what he originally said was ok, I would have never ever done it. I would have forsaken all other men.

 

I just have to ask with the way your worded that Dex. You say I would have to forsake all men. Does that mean that woman would be an option that would be acceptable under "your rules" ?

Edited October 27, 2009 by Ms. Red

[Dexter Morgan]

If I had known my husband's ultimate feelings on this that he once he found out that I went through with what he originally said was ok, I would have never ever done it. I would have forsaken all other men.

 

forsaking all others is part of the marital vows. if one doesn't want to forsake all others, why get married or stay married.

 

 

I just have to ask with the way your worded that Dex. You say I would have to forsake all men. Does that mean that woman would be an option that would be acceptable under "your rules" ?

 

your question doesn't make sense. wanna re-word it?

[Ms. Red]

If I had known my husband's ultimate feelings on this that once he found out that I went through with what he originally said was ok, I would have never ever done it.

 

OP, the above is why I started posting on your thread. I learned from experience that what one claims their feelings to be originally can change. You really have to take into consideration if this man you have the hots for is worth risking what I ultimately went through.

 

Also, you may never act on it and stay monogamous because that is what your husband wants. But consider that he may always have in the back of his mind that you desired another man so much that you wanted to change the rules of monogamy in your marriage. That could change the way that he sees you forever. You have a lot to consider.

[Ms. Red]

I was trying to inject a little humor. You said I should forsake all "men". So, I was asking if that meant that I could get it on with a woman and that would be ok by "your rules"

 

But I see you corrected yourself and changed it to "forsake all others."

[Ms. Red]

forsaking all others is part of the marital vows. if one doesn't want to forsake all others, why get married or stay married.

 

Darn it dood! Why must everyone play by "your rules"? It's not friggen black and white for some people. You drill it into our brains on your posts here on LS that your rules are black and white. But that doesn't mean that everyone has to follow what you believe. JEEZE!!!!

[wheelwright]

I have read with amusement your posts on many threads. It must take a lot of energy to guide us WSs as you do.

 

I don't mind that you see black and white, because it is by evaluating both sides of an argument as fully as possible that we may reach peace eventually. Your black, someone else's white, and hey presto I find myself in a non-judgemental grey.

 

Do you learn anything on LS Dexter? In a transformational way I mean.

[GotItBad]

I've taken some time to go over the vast array of responses... from the informative, to the knee-jerk, and the finger-wagers.

Some of you have given some very thoughtful responses, and in turn have given me a lot to consider. I thank you for that. I needed your perspective.

Some of you can relate and have told your stories, and that has been comforting. Thanks for your foresight.

Others have been on the attack, and I wonder where this anger towards ME is generating from. I guess only you can best answer that question.

 

So just so we are clear --

1. Yes, I admit, at least from my standpoint, that I am in an EA.

2. No, I have never been physical with him

3. Yes, I desire to be. So shoot me.

4. Yes, H knows of my connection to the OM. We have talked about it.

5. Yes, I think I had a different impression on what an Open Mar is. Many expressed that is was something you do "together". Someone else mentioned that it can be whatever you want it to be, together or single.

6. Yes, I realize now that I am not inquiring about an Open Mar, I was inquiring about asking for an affair.

 

All for now.

[tami-chan]

LOL...this is amazing....some of you *cough" ikjh, dexter, et al *cough* already say she is having an affair! last time I check, it took at least two people to be in an affair, even an emotional one....apparently, you can't even think through things these days because the moment you are attracted to someone, fuggedaboutit! YOU ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR IN YOUR OWN MIND! no matter if the other person know you exist or not....

 

Who knew? Sampras and I were having an affair!!!!!!!

 

Gotitbad actually wants to DO the right thing (albeit in a non-conventional way)-she wants to be honest with her husband about it. So there is no deception, there will be no lies(honey, I'm off to a tennis tournament-one-on-one with Stefen Edberg or is it Agassi? wait are they that old? lol). I don't understand some of the hateful tone here....I thought all that is needed is HONESTY..."tell your spouse", "be open", "give him the truth so he can decide for himself what he wants to do", etc......and here we have somebody who actually wants to do that and what do we do? we accuse her of all kinds of things and flame her...can't win....

[mybrowneyedgirl]

so my BH's famous quote is "its easier to beg forgiveness then to ask permisson" - does that count here or what???