We will sign D papers tomorrow. QUESTION -->

[FeelingLonely98]

it is. became final on 10/13. i'm thinking she may have gotten her copy from my attorney last week. if you've seen my most recent thread, she gave me some indication she's regretting decisions. not sure why i'm confused. my ex and i will always have a chance, if it happens. that is not me holding out hope.

 

Oh, the finality of D thread. Yes, I've been following.

 

Do you wish you told her no when asked about the hug? I think like Gunny says that is unfair to you.

 

For Aksion - like you I miss what I had with the STBXW. Even just a month before she gave me the ILYBINILWY line!! It was great for 16 yrs. minus the last month.

 

I don't want to see pain for the STBXW but it wouldn't make me cry - becuase what she did and how she did it - if she hit rock bottom (fired, lost her car, gets heartbroken by 18 yo BF, etc.). I do not like feeling like that but I feel like that but my heart was destroyed over this. It is not even here in my chest. It will come back one day I know. Maybe tomorrow when the D papers are notarized?

 

MMI - Will you always give the X a chance at reconciliation? At some point it has to be healthier for you to no longer have that feeling, huh?

 

Anyway, STBXW will be here in less than an hour - UGH! {sigh}

 

I will update you all. Thanks.

 

PEACE!

[MrMayI]

Oh, the finality of D thread. Yes, I've been following.

 

Do you wish you told her no when asked about the hug? I think like Gunny says that is unfair to you.

 

 

 

MMI - Will you always give the X a chance at reconciliation? At some point it has to be healthier for you to no longer have that feeling, huh?

 

 

 

PEACE!

 

 

i hated to do it, but i disagree with gunny there. the hug made me feel good too. i don't know why it did but it did. i won't necessarily give her a chance to reconcile, but i won't say it's not a possibility if the road comes to that. it's life and i have to live it the way i see fit. i love her still. in love? no. do i want her today? no.

 

with our daughter though, and her truly being a good mom, and was a good wife for 80% of the marriage, i may could give it a go again. i've looked back and seen my faults, and hers. i've had fun with other women, partied with friends, played single daddy, and i know that i want more out of life.

i don't want to say i'll always give her a chance. there are a lot of women out there. lol

[FeelingLonely98]

Well, she came over - we finished ALL D paperwork. Talked about a few things we shouldn't have possibly. (MLC, how I thought we could have worked it out but she wouldn't try, how long she was REALLY unhappy, ...ETC.)

Nothing bad though ... mostly it was just business like and formal. Too late for us to go the notary today though. We'll meet tomorrow after work to do that last piece of "business". Told her I will keep "her" cats as long as needed. she told me she will sell the engagement ring diamond for the cash. (UGH) (Just lie to me and say you are keeping it!!)

I'm both {SAD} and (happy) --> because I miss what we used to have but happy because I need to move on and I will come out smelling like a rose, so to speak. (She wants no alimony and no asset division!)

I suppose tomorrow may be the last time I will ever speak to her??? (We have no kids...)

 

YIKES, I've been doing so good for weeks now and now I feel like sh*t. When will it get better? I wanna go to sleep tonight and wake up in January.

[MrMayI]

fl, you will come out of this smelling like a rose. it's evident. chin up, brother. you're getting through this. stay strong.

[FeelingLonely98]

fl, you will come out of this smelling like a rose. it's evident. chin up, brother. you're getting through this. stay strong.

 

I hear you MMI - you're probably right ... just don't feel that now.

Financially, I'll be ok, more than ok. Emotionally, not so sure.

Seeing her last night just reminded me how none of this had to be. If she had just communicated to me somewhere that the M was less than perfect. I think she did what she did mostly becuase of her MLC and NOT because of me, but I also feel that if I had been a great H (and not just a very good H) then she would not have jumped when her MLC hit in AUG.

 

It just feels that what we are going thru is what a H and W in a bad M do. (She's having an A, All her stuff is out of the house, D papers final and ready to be notarized, ...ETC.--> and ALL of this less than 2 months after the ILYBINILWY speech!!!!) We didn't have a bad M, we had a pretty damn good M, just not perfect.

 

This sucks. Very somber today.

 

At this point I do want the D. I just wish I didn't love her anymore. I wish I could roll back time three months ago but have me be the NEW person I am today.

 

Oh well, ... :-(

[Aksion]

I'm about to be right there in the same situation as you FL -- except I'm in step one of our D as we can't get that for 6 months after our separation. My marriage was a very good one, and like you, I've seen my faults in it. Hell, I had to listen to her scream at me the day she left that I was too neglectful and said some nasty things to her lately -- but the keyword there is 'lately'. She wanted to be with me when everything was all smiles and going smoothly, but when **** got a little rough she jumped ship w/o even trying to talk about it. Thats where she left me so messed me up -- but even though I'm all messed up I still am -- like you the one person in the marriage that wanted to work on things instead of completely breaking away.

 

So when I go sign these papers in the next few days, I'll hopefully be able to use some of your insight as to what is coming next for me.

[FeelingLonely98]

I'm about to be right there in the same situation as you FL -- except I'm in step one of our D as we can't get that for 6 months after our separation. My marriage was a very good one, and like you, I've seen my faults in it. Hell, I had to listen to her scream at me the day she left that I was too neglectful and said some nasty things to her lately -- but the keyword there is 'lately'. She wanted to be with me when everything was all smiles and going smoothly, but when **** got a little rough she jumped ship w/o even trying to talk about it. Thats where she left me so messed me up -- but even though I'm all messed up I still am -- like you the one person in the marriage that wanted to work on things instead of completely breaking away.

 

So when I go sign these papers in the next few days, I'll hopefully be able to use some of your insight as to what is coming next for me.

 

I'll do my best. I am telling my story to possibly help others - Also, I am getting support and help here on LS that I never dremed of the first day I found this site and registered. As I post - If there is ANYTHING more you want to know - PLEASE ask. Sometimes I don't want to describe too much - some may think my posts are TOO long.

 

Once I am in a "good place" again, I plan to come back to LS periodically to "pay it forward". Gunny, tojaz, trippi, MMI, Dela ... etc. (I'm forgetting many! sorry!) They have all helped me, I want to help others in the future. Too bad we know there will be more of "this" for others in the future. I think I could prevent most "unnecessary" Divorces - if the couples would do what I say and talk, Talk, TALK (i.e., communicate) about their needs and dislikes and such - before it gets too late. I know if my STBXW had talked to me then we would not be getting a D. I just never knew!!

 

Good Luck Aksion.

 

PEACE!

[FeelingLonely98]

OK - Today after we go to the Notary and finalize the D papers. (Then I will deliver them to the courthouse and pay the filing fees myself.)

 

I feel like we when we leave the notary tonight I should (or want to) ask her something like "OK, well, how do you feel now?" or "Is this really what you want", ...

Or just something!!!

 

Might be the last time I ever speak to her again. I know many of you will say that I should think to myself "Go F*** yourself b*tch" and just say "Goodbye", then turn around walk to the car and drive away. WOW.

 

I am prepared for this - the D, that is - but it seems to sudden to just sign, say goodbye, walk away, and that's it - forever. I know she has her mind made up, me too, sort of, I have to do this because of what she did and what she is doing, but .......... WTF??

 

HELP????

[Aksion]

I really think you ought to go the route I'm going man. You need to do your half of the signing alone and let her do hers alone. You think you want to say something to her -- but don't know what to say. I always think about contacting my stbxw but what is left to say, really? You know that she is with another BOY -- I would just rather not see her if I were you. My stbxw is seemingly playing mind games with me, I don't know what she feels she is going to get out of it, but I don't want to see her -- so I'm signing at a different time.

[Trimmer]

I feel like we when we leave the notary tonight I should (or want to) ask her something like "OK, well, how do you feel now?" or "Is this really what you want", ...

Or just something!!!

 

Something someone told me, when considering courses of action around my divorce, was to ask myself: "What good will that do?"

 

I don't mean it in a sarcastic way, but really, truly like: is any good likely to come of this? If you can't plot a pretty good probability that something positive will come out of it (and avoid a probability of anything negative....) then I'd stay away from it.

 

You sound very ambivalent, like you think something should be said, but you're not sure what. I think in that case, you risk saying something awkward, stumbling over yourself, and losing control of the emotional situation. If that's the case, better to say nothing, then.

 

I am beginning to come over to Aksion's view - why not just do the signing separately? Really, what could she say on a moment's notice, in response to a quick comment, that would make any difference at this point anyway?

 

I suggest that if you have to do it together, you go in - even if you don't feel it - acting confident but not arrogant, and then when it's time to leave, just act like you are on your way to whatever is next, which in this case, is your life. It really doesn't seem like anything you say to her is likely to make your coming journey any better, and if she has anything substantial to say to you, she shouldn't need your prompting to make that happen.

[sumdude]

On the lighter side... considering her decisions.

 

"Have you put on weight?"

 

Hand her a jar of wrinkle cream, a bottle of Geritol and a tube of zit cream saying "Thought you might need these, see ya."

 

But seriously, what's there to say? Once all the legal business if finished up the two of you will hopefully not see each other again after what she's pulled. Just "goodbye" is more than enough.

[FeelingLonely98]

On the lighter side... considering her decisions.

 

"Have you put on weight?"

 

Hand her a jar of wrinkle cream, a bottle of Geritol and a tube of zit cream saying "Thought you might need these, see ya."

 

But seriously, what's there to say? Once all the legal business if finished up the two of you will hopefully not see each other again after what she's pulled. Just "goodbye" is more than enough.

 

Thanks sd, trimmer, and aks

 

If you read my other post you know I did say a few things to her. But in a dignified way I believe. Sort of relaying disappointment and that it didn't have to be - but it happened. Oh well, done!!! See her on court day I guess. It will be nice to not hear from her or to think of her. I long for the day when I feel no more love for her!!!

[FeelingLonely98]

OK - Signed and notarized the D papers yesterday. This morning the STBXW calls and says that the new title for her car arrived from the bank and she would like to meet me at the notary again to sign it. This would transfer the title from belonging to us to just her. This is mostly for me so I will not be liable if she defaults on the loan. However, after last night I just did not want to deal with her agian. Too much emotion. I told her next Monday after work. In the email to her I told her that I had plans with someone else and I had forgotten about her. OOPS. Didn't mean to come out like but it did.

 

Anyway, I want a beer and have no one to go get one with. Should I go alone? I've NEVER done that...

[Aksion]

I say yes. Go. As I can't seem to take my own advice and go. I sit at home, write down my thoughts from sober to completely drunk, and try to decipher them in the morning.

 

If you have it in you to go, do it. Wish I had the sanity to even leave my home anymore other than walking to the store on trips for more alcohol.

[FeelingLonely98]

I say yes. Go. As I can't seem to take my own advice and go. I sit at home, write down my thoughts from sober to completely drunk, and try to decipher them in the morning.

 

If you have it in you to go, do it. Wish I had the sanity to even leave my home anymore other than walking to the store on trips for more alcohol.

 

Dude - I'll be in DC next week for a mtg. If I had time and was close enough to you I'd drag you out to have a few drinks on a bar stool. :cool:

 

I posted in my other thread my venture to the bar myself. Yech. I don't have a clue how to act - AND I was just looking for some conversation / some interaction. I guess in time. It's been 20 yrs since I've tried something like this.

[dgiirl]

I posted in my other thread my venture to the bar myself. Yech. I don't have a clue how to act - AND I was just looking for some conversation / some interaction. I guess in time. It's been 20 yrs since I've tried something like this.

 

Challenge your comfort zone and do it! You'll feel good about yourself for at least trying something different!

[FeelingLonely98]

Challenge your comfort zone and do it! You'll feel good about yourself for at least trying something different!

 

OK - TY. Any idea of things to say to get it "started". I'm really clueless. For 16 years I was so faithful to the STBXW I never even flirted in the tiniest bit.

[dgiirl]

Things on how to start a conversation? Just say hi and smile. Dont try pickup lines. Just start a conversation with the intention of meeting a new friend. If the girl is interested, things will develop on their own.

 

I find the most attractive guys are the ones who treat me as he'd treat anyone. Not the guys who think they are Mr Suave, nor the guys who fumble all over themselves because of insecurity. And a lot of times, when these guys let down their guard and act normal, they become more interesting to talk to.

 

But before you start dating, try making some new friends, male and female. Start talking to strangers. Get to know people in general. That was my first step back into the single world. And you feel great about yourself when you make a new friend and you know they like YOU, not the you as a married couple, but the new single happy you.

[FeelingLonely98]

Things on how to start a conversation? Just say hi and smile. Dont try pickup lines. Just start a conversation with the intention of meeting a new friend. If the girl is interested, things will develop on their own.

I find the most attractive guys are the ones who treat me as he'd treat anyone. Not the guys who think they are Mr Suave, nor the guys who fumble all over themselves because of insecurity. And a lot of times, when these guys let down their guard and act normal, they become more interesting to talk to.

But before you start dating, try making some new friends, male and female. Start talking to strangers. Get to know people in general. That was my first step back into the single world. And you feel great about yourself when you make a new friend and you know they like YOU, not the you as a married couple, but the new single happy you.

 

That is something I really need to do.

dgiirl --> I know this sounds pathetic of me, but I really have no friends. I have acquantances, but nobody I could really call and say hey wanna hang out, grab a beer, see a movie, watch the game, just talk, ...ETC.

 

Before I was married I had tons of friends and went out all the time.

 

OK, now I am in my mid-40s and back then I was in my 20s!! So, I have changed and evolved. I think I look pretty good for my age, I'm in good shape, folks usually guess I am in my 30s and say I have an attractive face. I am personable, get along well with folks, have to interact with strangers a lot in my job, ...

 

Now, with my STBXW, I did something 16 yrs. ago that I shouldn't have done. I gave up deep friendships, not intentionally, it just happened. I gladly revolved my whole world around her and my two sons. PLUS, My employer has me as a remote employee working from home so there is no interaction there to find friends. I am certain many people have some of their best friends as people they met at work. And then when I am not working from home I travel to other cities and meet new people - but folks where there is no chance at friendship because of the distance. All of the friends, save for one, that belonged to the STBXW and me, they all went with her. They won't answer or return my calls. I have acquantances that I could probably attempt to become better frineds with.

 

Any advice?????? I want and need real friends, right????

 

I posted a thread like this about making friends a month ago and got a few posts with some decent advice.

[dgiirl]

Now, with my STBXW, I did something 16 yrs. ago that I shouldn't have done. I gave up deep friendships, not intentionally, it just happened. I gladly revolved my whole world around her and my two sons.

 

It's not pathetic at all, and I think that is a very common occurrence.

 

I did the exact same thing when I was married. When I met my ex, we lived in different cities. I made the choice to move to his city, leaving my family and close friends behind. I lived in that new city for 10 years, and did not make a single friend. I knew some of his friends, and I had some acquaintances from work, but I did not have any of my own friends, nor anyone really close. Due to the distance, I also became distant with my friends from my home. And due to my married life, I passed up on a lot of opportunities to hang out with coworkers. I realized how big of a mistake that was when my exh left me and I was all alone.

 

However, I lucked out. When my coworkers heard about my separation, they were all very supportive. They said if I needed to hang out any time, to let them know. I imagine just being polite. But I grabbed the courage and took them up on their offer. I always imagined all those years my coworkers all hung out with each other and had a good close friendships. However, it was only until my own separation, that ALL of us DID start hanging out with one another. It was then I realized that they were all lonely too. People want closer friendships, but we're too afraid to impose on others so we keep to ourselves. Once you actually make or accept an offer to hang out, you realize the other was hoping for that exact same thing but they were too afraid to impose onto you.

 

 

All of the friends, save for one, that belonged to the STBXW and me, they all went with her. They won't answer or return my calls. I have acquantances that I could probably attempt to become better frineds with.

 

I wouldnt worry too much about those friends. Sometimes it's better to start new. You get to redefine who you are. You get new memories. Although I love my friends from my home, it is sometimes awkward due to them knowing the history of me with my ex. Reminiscing down memory lane can be awkward, especially around a new beau in my life.

 

 

Any advice?????? I want and need real friends, right????

 

When I moved back to my hometown, although I was closer to my family and friends, we still all had our own busy lives with work and relationships. So it wasn't like we saw each other all the time. I had to still make new friendships. I searched online and found a lot of free events in the city and started exploring my own city. I did all the touristy things. Things I would never had done before alone. I also found groups of people organizing different activities. Back then, I found meetup, which was a free website to help get people together based on hobby or interest. There are groups of people who go see movies together, go sailing together, who travel together, who go to the museum together, who like photography. I found the photography group and started attending those events and met a lot of nice people that way.

 

Just explore what your city or town has to offer. Sign up for a new class, something you'd never do before but never had the chance because you were in a relationship. My mantra through my divorce was "I didnt make this decision, but I am going to make this the RIGHT decision". Meaning, although I never wanted a divorce, I was determined to make my new life SO MUCH BETTER, that getting a divorce was the right thing. I was going to start living again, start making new friends, start doing new things, things I never could before because I was married, especially the things my ex would have hated or disapproved or never let me do I was FREE again, and I was determined to enjoy that freedom for a while.

[FeelingLonely98]

I had to still make new friendships. I searched online and found a lot of free events in the city and started exploring my own city. I did all the touristy things. Things I would never had done before alone. I also found groups of people organizing different activities. Back then, I found meetup, which was a free website to help get people together based on hobby or interest. There are groups of people who go see movies together, go sailing together, who travel together, who go to the museum together, who like photography. I found the photography group and started attending those events and met a lot of nice people that way.

 

Just explore what your city or town has to offer. Sign up for a new class, something you'd never do before but never had the chance because you were in a relationship. My mantra through my divorce was "I didnt make this decision, but I am going to make this the RIGHT decision". Meaning, although I never wanted a divorce, I was determined to make my new life SO MUCH BETTER, that getting a divorce was the right thing. I was going to start living again, start making new friends, start doing new things, things I never could before because I was married, especially the things my ex would have hated or disapproved or never let me do I was FREE again, and I was determined to enjoy that freedom for a while.

 

I LOVE your post dgiirl. I love you for inspiring me.

 

I'm gonna do something like that.. THANK YOU. Very inspiring your words were to me. (Oops - did I just post like YODA?) hehehe:p

 

You sound like a giirl (!) that's got it together. Are you in a relationship now? If yes, do you still do these "new" things?

Have you made some really good close friends?

 

dg - I must have read your post at the precise right moment because something clicked in me... Hope I follow it thru. Ciao!!!

 

PEACE!

[dgiirl]

I LOVE your post dgiirl. I love you for inspiring me.

 

I'm glad I can help The way I survived my divorce was doing new things. Just experimenting, trying new things, challenging my comfort zone, being a kid again. The thrill and achievements I accomplished made my life so much better, and took away some of the pain I was feeling. Making new memories helped replace the old memories that kept replaying in my head over and over again.

 

You sound like a giirl (!) that's got it together. Are you in a relationship now? If yes, do you still do these "new" things?

Have you made some really good close friends?

 

Thanks I am in a relationship now. Although balancing a new relationship and not falling back into old patterns has been hard, I do still try new things. If my guy doesnt want to go with me to an event, I have no trouble going alone or calling up some of my friends. I use to spend all of my social time with my exh, which meant I often declined work or other social activities. I dont do that AS much as I use to with my new guy. It does help that we do not live with one another yet. I enjoy my alone time, my personal time, and our time together, and I think that's important to have, but hard to balance, when you live with someone.

 

I have made a vast amount of new interesting friends. I wouldnt say we're extremely "close", but the foundation is there if I wanted to pursue that! I have a lot more friends now than I did while married, and anytime I want to hang out, they are usually available. I've met a lot of people I never would have met had I still been with my exh. People with different backgrounds and personalities and who have different perspectives on life, which I've found fascinating. I've also had the pleasure of enjoying some really fun experiences. For me, experiencing life is what rejuvenates me.

[FeelingLonely98]

I've met a lot of people I never would have met had I still been with my exh. People with different backgrounds and personalities and who have different perspectives on life, which I've found fascinating. I've also had the pleasure of enjoying some really fun experiences. For me, experiencing life is what rejuvenates me.

 

That's what I want more than anything ... I gave up having friends 16 yrs ago for my STBXW. She didn't ask me to do that or expect me to do that... I just did it! Even if I have to do it alone, I want to get out there and experience stuff. My community. My city. My neighbors. My Life!!!

[FeelingLonely98]

OK - Tomorrow is gonna be one helluva day. Taking the D papers and filing fee to the court house. Will be another emotional day again. Probably feel like cr*p for a few days. I never wanted this. On day 66 to be taking the signed notarized papers to the judge, WOW, I never would have believed this 66 days ago. just need to be strong. (how?)

[Gunny376]

OK - Tomorrow is gonna be one helluva day. Taking the D papers and filing fee to the court house. Will be another emotional day again. Probably feel like cr*p for a few days. I never wanted this. On day 66 to be taking the signed notarized papers to the judge, WOW, I never would have believed this 66 days ago. just need to be strong. (how?)

 

You just do it!

 

Its going to feel serene! But you just do it!

 

Action precedes emotion ~ that's just the way it is in Life.

 

Sometimes you've just got to do it ~ before you feel like doing it!

 

Listen to dggril! She's a champ!

 

She's been through the mud, the blood and the beer ~ along with the horse manure in the street!