Weezy Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 Sooner or later, youre going to end up going NC And I had the same comments from my ex's friends and family about when we were going to get married, and in the end it meant nothing. People just assume after X amount of time together, youre going to get married. What about from your ex? Did she ever give you hints? I started getting more and more of them towards the end. It actually forced me to look at the relationship harder and started to make me pull away. Most of the comments during the breakup were about me not making her my life, me not spending enough time, and that she can't waste anymore time in this relationship and that I always talk about my family in the future, but that she should be my family NOW. Just curious if this is standard issue stuff. My mind has gone over these words 1 zillion times.. But in the end, I guess it really doesn't matter. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 What about from your ex? Did she ever give you hints? Well, our biggest problem was always communication. I'm very direct and open, she was very indirect, and would only hint. If I asked her direct answers, she would tell me everything was fine, and then act weird. I think the biggest signs I started to see was that she would forget things (like, lets go do X Friday), she wasnt interested in sex at all (and would make excuses), she wouldnt call when she said she would, and all of a sudden, everything I did sucked. I always felt like she was mad at me, or like if I did one little thing, she was going to get upset. Oh, and everything she knew I didnt like (camping, for example) she wanted to suddenly do a lot more of, but never wanted to do anything I wanted. Just curious if this is standard issue stuff. My mind has gone over these words 1 zillion times.. But in the end, I guess it really doesn't matter. The problem with listening to what someone tells you when they are dumping you is that its riddled with half truths, outright lies, and other fillers to make you feel better (or actually, them less guilty). So, when people give you this speech about why they are leaving, you cant really take much from it except the fact that its over. I've also noticed that people tend to project during a split, meaning that if she felt like she wasnt including you as her family now, she might accuse you of actually being at fault (since at this stage, youre going to naturally shoulder blame to avoid any further problems). Also, and I'm sure you realize this, all the things she pointed out are things two people should be working on together, they are not all your responsibility. And what ever happened to 'youre doing X and its upsetting me, can we talk'? Dont even bother breaking down her words, I honestly dont think they tell the whole story. Link to post Share on other sites
Dream Brother Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 Well, communication starts to break down, and they get less physical. Those are the two big ones, and they start pretty soon when they start to think about moving on. All of a sudden, they dont call when they say they will (maybe two hours later, but not when they said they will), they give you just general outlines of what they did/are going to do, they just 'arent in the mood' for sex ever, etc etc In hindsight, there are always red flags. Those of us that felt blindsided listened to words, and not actions, which will always lead to dissapointment. Like I've said before, all you can do is hope to learn from your mistakes, and gain as much experience as you can. This didn't happen in my case, were still physical up 'till the day before and there was no pulling away, no change in behaviour at all (obviously I was inadvertently with a nutjob for 4.5 years). Also I don't see 3 months as a huge milestone based on experience. I do think once the 3 months have passed and you haven't see or spoken to them in so long things get weird though should you communicate, that's quite some time but I have reconciled in the past up till the 9 month stage. I am not saying I would now as I am older and more jaded by all this. Still have strong feelings for her though but hopefully this will pass. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 This didn't happen in my case, were still physical up 'till the day before and there was no pulling away, no change in behaviour at all (obviously I was inadvertently with a nutjob for 4.5 years). Also I don't see 3 months as a huge milestone based on experience. I do think once the 3 months have passed and you haven't see or spoken to them in so long things get weird though should you communicate, that's quite some time but I have reconciled in the past up till the 9 month stage. I am not saying I would now as I am older and more jaded by all this. Still have strong feelings for her though but hopefully this will pass. If there was absolutely no change at all, and she continued to be intimate with you, that's like borderline sociopathic. I urge you to think about it a little more, and give it some more time, though. Chances are, she did at least something to give you a sign. You could reconcile anytime between now and when you die, I'm just saying that based of my experiences and those of others, it tends to happen within that critical 90 window, or it doesnt happen at all. Some people do reconnect years down the line, but thats rare. It's like gambling, you could put everything you own on #10 on the roulette wheel, and potentially win big, but what are the odds of that paying off? Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 Immaturity and overly high expectations is the main cause of breakups where one party did not lie, cheat, or totally ignore the other....Regaurdless of age...Good people get dumped everyday by selfish people. I think most of the time just the idea of love and its commercialized BS confuses people into believing that it should all be butterflies all the time...Filled with I Love You's, forget me nots, heated passionate sex, flowers, candies, candles, jewelry, ect...In reality its not even close to what Hallmark or Hollywood makes it out to be. Love is comfortable. Life is tough, and it doesnt get any easier. Finding a stable man or woman to stand by your side as you take the beating life dishes you is the ultimate goal....The honeymoon does not last forever and eventually you are left with your best friend in life whom you will raise a family with... Do dumpers realize they made a mistake...I really dont know...Ive had ex's come back into my life and say they missed me and feel they made a mistake...Didnt mean I took them back...I think of myself as a fairly decent human being with high morals...Maybe at times I wasnt a good match, but other times I just feel I was involved with the wrong and worst type person who was only out for themselves... In reality. Breakups occur for various reason in most cases for the right ones whether you are dumped or doing the dumping...READ MY SIG...I think you will agree with a lot of what I wrote.. This cuts both ways - there are a lot of people so immature and selfish in relationships that they force the other person to end the relationship. Hence the reason I never looked back once I left. Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) This didn't happen in my case, were still physical up 'till the day before and there was no pulling away, no change in behaviour at all (obviously I was inadvertently with a nutjob for 4.5 years). Also I don't see 3 months as a huge milestone based on experience. I do think once the 3 months have passed and you haven't see or spoken to them in so long things get weird though should you communicate, that's quite some time but I have reconciled in the past up till the 9 month stage. I am not saying I would now as I am older and more jaded by all this. Still have strong feelings for her though but hopefully this will pass. Me neither. I was having sex with her on a Jet Ski in the middle of a lake we were vacationing on a week before the split. (she started it too). Part of me thinks I could have ridden out this rough spot if I wouldn't have gotten needy and clingy the last week. But then I check myself and say realize that her interest started dropping weeks before the vacation, I just helped drop it past the point of no return because I could sense things changing. Edited October 27, 2009 by Weezy Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 This cuts both ways - there are a lot of people so immature and selfish in relationships that they force the other person to end the relationship. Hence the reason I never looked back once I left. This is where communication makes or breaks you, though. "Hey X, youre doing Y and it bothers me. I would like Z, can we discuss?" What most people do, though, is act as though the other person should read their mind, and when it obviously doesnt happen, they bail - acting like they 'gave you a chance'. But then I check myself and say realize that her interest started dropping weeks before the vacation, I just helped drop it past the point of no return because I could sense things changing. You are far too hard on yourself. Sure, you werent perfect, and could have worked on certain areas. So could she. Why is it that you are the only one who should make any effort? And again, where there is no communication, you will ALWAYS have problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Soul Bear Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 How often do they realize they made a mistake? Some of them within days, others will NEVER realize. My ex ex tried to tell me she made a mistake....almost 7 years have passed WTF?!! hahaha, she tells me lastnight, and now I get the pleasure of telling her to shove it Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 I'm just at the 90 days of nc from my ex who dumped me and can echo what the last couple of posters have, my ex used this 90 day milestone to announce her new relationship online although it started... on the day she left me. So instead of possibly missing me more (as some hoping for reconciliation might be hanging on to) as we're apart she moved on even more. Silence/indifference from a dumper over this amount of time means GAME OVER. At least in my case but I am sure this is fairly typical. Did you try and get her back at all before going NC? Link to post Share on other sites
madlad Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Immaturity and overly high expectations is the main cause of breakups where one party did not lie, cheat, or totally ignore the other....Regaurdless of age...Good people get dumped everyday by selfish people. I think most of the time just the idea of love and its commercialized BS confuses people into believing that it should all be butterflies all the time...Filled with I Love You's, forget me nots, heated passionate sex, flowers, candies, candles, jewelry, ect...In reality its not even close to what Hallmark or Hollywood makes it out to be. Love is comfortable. Life is tough, and it doesnt get any easier. Finding a stable man or woman to stand by your side as you take the beating life dishes you is the ultimate goal....The honeymoon does not last forever and eventually you are left with your best friend in life whom you will raise a family with... Do dumpers realize they made a mistake...I really dont know...Ive had ex's come back into my life and say they missed me and feel they made a mistake...Didnt mean I took them back...I think of myself as a fairly decent human being with high morals...Maybe at times I wasnt a good match, but other times I just feel I was involved with the wrong and worst type person who was only out for themselves... In reality. Breakups occur for various reason in most cases for the right ones whether you are dumped or doing the dumping...READ MY SIG...I think you will agree with a lot of what I wrote.. --------------------------------- I read through everything on your JL's change.. Everything you said, was exactly what i try to say but cannot find the words. You have such a way of explaining things. I read your thread and it helps me with getting through. I could use a stranger that would listen to my problems and give some advise as no1 can understand me? =( Link to post Share on other sites
muse08 Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 (edited) JL911, You pretty much hit the nail on the head all the way home (at least for me you did.) Immaturity, selfishness and the inability to cope with the person they say they love and wind up not loving them simply because they can't handle when that person has it tough. Yet they were perfectly happy to accept your love and support when they were having a hard time. This has driven me away from people of the opposite sex who I find picky, too talkative, and are whores for online social networking and unwilling to try new things at least once due to perceptions of others. i really wish we could respond to 2 posts at the same time.so i'm glad you addressed JL911 in your post! when people make it sound like dumpers are selfish,i always get the feeling that they're just trying to "get over" on someone. that they just want someone who will "put up" w/their b.s. otherwise, you should understand that when your s.o. has hinted, mentioned, discussed and/or nagged about some of the same issues ad nauseam, you should pay attention and know there really is an issue that needs to be paid attention to. i just broke up w/my ex. he said these exact same things...called me selfish, mean, destructive,etc...what! he was the one who: >called me literally 10 times a day (while i was at work...WORKING!) >tried getting me prego several times b/c he said he wanted me to have his baby.i repeated i was not ready to have his baby.we had only been together for 2 months! >called me destructive b/c i broke up with him rather than repeating myself about the obssessive calling, PREGO issue, his PSYCHO issue, his vindictiveness, his schedule,etc. and i'm the one who's selfish?...just b/c i was the dumper.i refuse to accept that and i hope people stop feeling so guilty when they break up with their s.o. OF COURSE I CARED FOR MY EX AND STILL DO. i miss him as i'm typing and want to contact him, but when i think about the big pic and how he drained my SPIRIT...naaaaaaa, i'm str8...........i don't need him if he can't bring less drama to the table.i just gotta charge it to the game.i only say that b/c i'm hurting like 'lleh' and want to contact him, but being in contact w/him only causes more problems FOR ME. he's said and done stuff recently just to get revenge for me hurting him(by breaking up)...i feel like that would be his only M.O. for communicating w/me at this point. i do agree very much that ultimately, break ups happen for very good reasons. even when they hurt like lleh, it's for a valid reason.i just wish it didn't have to HURT...4real... Edited October 28, 2009 by muse08 Link to post Share on other sites
Dream Brother Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Did you try and get her back at all before going NC? No point, she doesn't respond to anything, doesn't want to know. It's been the strangest time of my life, no one has ever treated me like this my whole life and I am not new to the planet. 4.5 years to total silence and indifference. Other guy involved of course. Link to post Share on other sites
madlad Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 No point, she doesn't respond to anything, doesn't want to know. It's been the strangest time of my life, no one has ever treated me like this my whole life and I am not new to the planet. 4.5 years to total silence and indifference. Other guy involved of course. ---------------------------------------------- Exactly what i'm getting mate... We do nothing but our best and they kick us to our knees.. =( Link to post Share on other sites
BigTenInchRecord Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Honestly I know people say there are always signs, but in my situation I really was pretty much completely blindsided. We had been apart for the summer, visiting each other every two weeks...and up until the last time we saw each other there were virtually no signs. She honestly seemed more happy, intimate, and committed then ever before. It was tough because I had figured since we got through 3 months of being apart, we had a strong relationship that would last some time. Then she went away to Europe for 10 days and came back a completely different person...extremely cold and distant. Even when I asked if something was wrong she wouldn't say, then a few days later she ended it. She went with a Jewish study group (although she's not that religious), and I thought maybe it was because I was not her religion. She said that wasn't the reason, then I asked her if it was another guy...She said no, but sounded more defensive, so I'm pretty sure that was it. It was completely bizarre though, because all summer she was so involved; she didn't wanna go on her trip just to be with me, and she even joked by asking me if I was worried that she'd find a Spanish prince. She often talked about the future, even making me pick the same classes as her. Maybe there were signs I didn't see, but we had a pretty damn good relationship...got along great, almost never fought, had tons in common, and were very attracted to each other. I've never experienced something so bizarre as the way she did a complete 180. And what hurts more is how she still says she hopes I'll be a great friend (not that I want to) but obviously doesn't give a damn about me...she's contacted me twice since (which was earl Sept.). I've started to forget about it her, but I'll always be perplexed by the situation. It's not like we jumped into the relationship, we dated for 4 months before being official or even saying I love you...she had plenty of time to decide if she really wanted it. Earlier in the summer she went on another trip out of country and HAD to call me every night just to say I love you, despite huge phone bills. I'll never understand how someone can change so suddenly...and it sucks because I've always been paranoid about relationships, and I finally started feeling comfortable, and now I'm more sketched out then ever. But oh well, I guess such is life. Link to post Share on other sites
JP2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Exactly what i'm getting mate... We do nothing but our best and they kick us to our knees.. =( Seems to be the thing to do I don't understand it, but I guess they must be happy with the new dude. Link to post Share on other sites
MichiganMan222 Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 IF the dumper made a mistake, they will tell you when they realize you're moving on....especially if you get a new significant other. Link to post Share on other sites
paperchase Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Seems to be the thing to do I don't understand it, but I guess they must be happy with the new dude. They are caught up in the rush of a new relationship. It's a euphoric high that makes everything else seem unimportant until one comes back down to earth -- usually in about 3 months. Your feelings and all the old memories pale in comparison to falling for someone all over again. Some people spend a lifetime searching for that feeling and often confuse it with love. They believe relationships should feel like that all the time and so they chase something unobtainable. Link to post Share on other sites
JP2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 They are caught up in the rush of a new relationship. It's a euphoric high that makes everything else seem unimportant until one comes back down to earth -- usually in about 3 months. Your feelings and all the old memories pale in comparison to falling for someone all over again. Some people spend a lifetime searching for that feeling and often confuse it with love. They believe relationships should feel like that all the time and so they chase something unobtainable. Mine's been four months and she still has no interest in talking to me, even though the breakup was very calm. (no name calling or that stuff) But your last sentence sounds like her. From what I've heard, post-breakup of course, is that she tends to move from one to the next. Link to post Share on other sites
Dream Brother Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 IF the dumper made a mistake, they will tell you when they realize you're moving on....especially if you get a new significant other. If you are doing NC to the book they will not know about this so they will not be in a position to react. (not saying this is a bad thing, just pointing out that a lot of people say once you really move on then the dumper may MAY possibly react but through real NC they will have no clue you moved on, unless there is some telepathic nonsense going on, which I have read about and laughed over) Link to post Share on other sites
Dream Brother Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 They are caught up in the rush of a new relationship. It's a euphoric high that makes everything else seem unimportant until one comes back down to earth -- usually in about 3 months. Your feelings and all the old memories pale in comparison to falling for someone all over again. Some people spend a lifetime searching for that feeling and often confuse it with love. They believe relationships should feel like that all the time and so they chase something unobtainable. This is very true. I think if they left you for someone else and then foolishly moved in with the next person a few months later the 3 month *rule* is pretty much not relevant however, but if that is really the case then you seriously have to ask yourself if you knew what you were hanging out with for all that time in your super duper relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 (edited) Seems to be the thing to do I don't understand it, but I guess they must be happy with the new dude. Of all the breakups I have initiated since dating I can tell you that I never once broke-up with a girl over a girl. Yes it happens.. but breakups also happen because one person is just over the other.. I have gone sometimes 3-6 months after breaking up with someone before I started to date another girl.. Sometimes breakups are just a breakup over incompatibility and nothing more.. This whinning over how the dumper is living some great life now with someone else is just a fantasy.. breakups suck for both sides.. period I can tell you that in ALL of the breakups I initiated I would have rather been alone than go back to the broken relationship.. which is what has always happened. Edited October 29, 2009 by Art_Critic Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyDaze Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 ~~ One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. ~~ I LOVE that! Some people ARE just not meant to be...it leaves room for the one that is, I suppose. Oh boy..sounds like what your end quote is, right? Anyway, I try to remember that everytime I have a bad breakup. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 ~~ One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. ~~ I've had that quote on my profile since I met my now wife.. She showed me why it never worked out with anyone else Link to post Share on other sites
muse08 Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 Of all the breakups I have initiated since dating I can tell you that I never once broke-up with a girl over a girl. Yes it happens.. but breakups also happen because one person is just over the other.. I have gone sometimes 3-6 months after breaking up with someone before I started to date another girl.. Sometimes breakups are just a breakup over incompatibility and nothing more.. This whinning over how the dumper is living some great life now with someone else is just a fantasy.. breakups suck for both sides.. period I can tell you that in ALL of the breakups I initiated I would have rather been alone than go back to the broken relationship.. which is what has always happened. i agree with this completely. that's exactly how i'm feeling right now. i was "the dumper". but i feel as if i were dumped or hit with a mack truck.seriously.although i had good reason for breaking up w/him, i still care for him. unfortunately there were issues that made it difficult for me to deal with b/c it would have been so unfair to me, then eventually unfair to him b/c i would be nasty all the time from being so unhappy with the issues... right now we are both cordial, but he's been very vindictive since i went NC twice w/him. so him acting that way pushes me even further away.it's been almost a month since the real final breakup.but i initially broke it off back in june.these break up can drag on for months, but i'm a witness that dumpers don't always move on right away.i've gone out once or twice but have not seriously gotten involved with anyone else yet. Link to post Share on other sites
muse08 Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 No offense but it comes across as presumptuous and condescending to ask how often dumpers realize their mistakes. Who are you to say they made a mistake in the 1st place by breaking up with you? Just because someone doesn't want to be with you it doesn't mean they've made a mistake. lol...i feel you completely. i said basically the same thing on this thread just yesterday. Link to post Share on other sites
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