We've reached the end of our journey

[donnamaybe]

You are a strong woman, IG, and one smart cookie.

 

((((IG))))

[Island Girl]

You are a strong woman, IG, and one smart cookie.

 

((((IG))))

 

Awww thank you so much donna.

 

BACKATCHA - ((((donnamaybe))))

[Els]

That was one of the most beautiful posts I've ever seen, IG.

 

Really glad to hear you're doing great, too!

[threebyfate]

This is sad and yet, if it gets "you" back, it's necessary. Kind of bittersweet. Relationships can't survive if only one person is fueling it, fighting not only for the relationship but fighting their partner for it, as well.

 

IG, you'll survive and find another love. I wish you well.

[deux ex machina]

This has to be one of the most inspiring posts I've read here.

[Mei Mei]

IG,

 

Welcome you back to us. It is a bit lonely here without you. Glad that you have started anew and there is likely a more fulfilling and aspiring life ahead. :bunny:

[TaraMaiden]

Hell, if anyone can do it, she can.....

 

And if she can do it, so can anyone else.

 

It takes determination to not let the emotional tugging of somebody else, permit to knock us off balance.

But it takes appreciating yourself and knowing that Life is for living, not for being downtrodden or dependant.....

 

Good for you, IG.!

[ned kelly]

what country is he in?

[Ariadne]

what country is he in?

 

He is in a small island in Polynesia.

[Maggs]

Hi IslandGirl...welcome back. I missed you a lot! I'm so sorry things haven't worked out for you. I was always on the side that things would get better but it was meant to be. And you sound like you're getting on ok on your own again. Please come back and visit us regularly. I'll miss your company and your words of advice!

[Ronni_W]

IG,

I'm so sorry for the ending of your marriage, and do wish you the VERY best as you move forward.

 

To me, your 'story' remains inspirational; it is a testament to what can be overcome when we apply courage, faith, devotion, persistence and patience, and when we are willing to take risks and make sacrifices for Love. Nothing changes, as far as that is concerned.

 

You did all that, and you are an inspiration Thank you.

Sending hugs and...whatever else I can send, that you need right now.

God bless.

[Asami]

I am so so sorry to hear about this IG.

 

I am aware of how devastating things have been in your Hs country recently, and the level of strain must be immense.

I am sorry that this was the straw that broke the camels back- he's obviously lashing out at you.

 

I wish there was something that could be done to make everything better. Frustration is a horrible emotion to deal with, and it sounds like you guys have had more than enough of that.

 

 

 

I agree. You have done SO much, that your own health has suffered as a result. I don't think you could EVER EVER blame yourself for not "doing enough".

 

You fought long and hard for your marriage, with determination and grace, and you have carried on LONG after many would have given up.

 

I have always admired you and your dedication to your marriage and the often impossible obstacles that stood in your way.

 

I for one will never judge you for deciding after facing this most recent hurdle- 'enough is enough'- YOU matter too, and as your friend I would hate to see you run yourself into the ground any more.

 

Look after yourself, and know that you are a wonderful person with many admirers and well wishers around the world.

 

you said what I wanted to say but more eloquently. Island Girl, I'm really sorry, you have truly inspired me by your story. hugs

[Island Girl]

Thank you to all of you.

 

Mei Mei and Maggs -- I'm here. I'm not going anywhere and I look forward to your posts. I will be there. LOL

 

TaraMaiden and TBF -- you are my soul sisters. Most of your posts echo my own thoughts. And thank you for your kind words.

 

Ronnie_W and Asami -- love is a wonderful thing. It is what makes life worth living and I will definitely have it again. This time perhaps even better...

 

deux ex machina -- I was struck speechless by your post. That was an amazing thing to read. Thank you.

 

 

UPDATE TIME:

 

After the 25th conversation (who really knows how many but a lot) with the same result - an apology and then an immediate cuss fest at my hesitancy to accept blindly - he became unreachable.

 

I tried and tried but the phone always seemed to be off no matter the day or the time.

 

I put words out to my operatives and he has left the country. He is now in NZ.

So I tracked him down there. I ended up calling when his mother was visiting. She got on the phone to talk to me.

I explained myself as best as I could. And then found out the questions she was asking had nothing to do with the paperwork for the divorce. She had no idea. He had told everyone there that he needed to work and get enough money to come here immediately. (?)

 

As it is that can't happen immediately (as we all know).

He hadn't talked to me or even let me know he was going to another country although he knows divorce paperwork is pending. -- ?

What the hell right??

 

Well his mother tells me that he isn't there at that time but to call back - and she will also tell him to call me.

 

He doesn't. So I call. He isn't there again. I call back later and he answers! -- He then acts like he can't hear "hello hello" and hangs up. I call back directly and it just rang and rang.

 

That is childish and screwed up and I have no idea why he would do such a thing. It just seems stupid and pointless.

 

I need the address so I can get him the papers which I hope he'll just sign...if he doesn't I'll need to get him served somehow (IN NEW ZEALAND - how is THAT supposed to happen??).

Nobody will give me the address until I talk to HIM. They all want me to talk to HIM and we have talked and talked with the SAME result and the same conversation over and over again. GAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWD!!

 

I wish this could have been quick and only as painful as necessary.

 

Now it appears that this process will be a major project as well. Hasn't it been that way with everything though? Damn it.

[Ariadne]

nothing to do with the paperwork for the divorce. She had no idea. He had told everyone there that he needed to work and get enough money to come here immediately.

 

Hahaha

 

He probably doesn't want to sign the divorce papers because he wants to get the green card.

[Island Girl]

Hahaha

 

He probably doesn't want to sign the divorce papers because he wants to get the green card.

 

Right now part of me wishes it was that Ariadne. The proof of me canceling his visa application would then suffice to speed up this process of what must now be done - and again is my responsibility. No such luck however.

 

 

I do note the delight in your post in that this may be some way to hurt me.

 

You know in school there was a girl who was an outsider. She sat at the back of the classroom and sneered at people. She felt chastised and discriminated against for being different.

The truth was she felt an "outcast" because she wanted to feel persecuted and different. Any invitation for her to participate was not only declined but the person extending the invitation could expect a barrage of insults as well. She wanted to resent the world and everyone in it - save one or two other "outcasts".

 

You seem like one of those people only grown up now. Unhappy but unwilling to do anything about it except wallow in misery of your own making, lash out at others, and whine and complain about how the whole world just doesn't understand them.

 

I don't want to block you. Occasionally you can be amusing on other threads. So please refrain from replying to my threads.

This situation has been difficult and confusing enough.

I don't need the opinions of anyone whose intentions are purely negative and hurtful. So just don't.

[Ariadne]

I do note the delight in your post in that this may be some way to hurt me...I don't need the opinions of anyone whose intentions are purely negative and hurtful. So just don't.

 

Why is it that when I asses a situation I get this stuff?

 

I was laughing not at you but at the stuff the mother told you.

 

My take is that she is of course on his side and was telling you all kind of stories and you believe her.

 

Of course she knows every single detail of what happened, of course she knows more than you do. She knows the whole thing.

[Ariadne]

In fact,

 

I will explain to you what happened here.

 

You called, and the mother cleverly warmed your ear and pretended to be a complete outsider that didn't know anything about the situation.

 

By then, she got you believing that she was an understanding ear that completely got your plea.

 

When what she was seemingly doing was to get you to make up with her son, so that you won't give him a hard time, stop his visa, or whatever her reasons were.

 

So she tried to intercede (by also probably telling you how much he loves you and wants to go to America) and told you to call later....

 

In the mean time, she tried to convince her son to talk to you, but the only thing she apparently managed to do was to get him to pick up the tube and hang up.

Edited December 15, 2009 by Ariadne

[Island Girl]

Why is it that when I asses a situation I get this stuff?

 

I was laughing not at you but at the stuff the mother told you.

 

My take is that she is of course on his side and was telling you all kind of stories and you believe her.

 

Of course she knows every single detail of what happened, of course she knows more than you do. She knows the whole thing.

 

In fact,

 

I will explain to you what happened here.

 

You called, and the mother cleverly warmed your ear and pretended to be a complete outsider that didn't know anything about the situation.

 

By then, she got you believing that she was an understanding ear that completely got your plea.

 

When what she was seemingly doing was to get you to make up with her son, so that you won't give him a hard time, stop his visa, or whatever her reasons were.

 

So she tried to intercede (by also probably telling you how much he loves you and wants to go to America) and told you to call later....

 

In the mean time, she tried to convince her son to talk to you, but the only thing she apparently managed to do was to get him to pick up the tube and hang up.

 

 

The more you post the more ignorant I realize you are.

 

Of course it isn't your fault. You know nothing about their culture or my 9 year history with the family.

You don't know what has been discussed over the years etc.

 

I would give you the benefit of the doubt because you couldn't possibly have these facts if it were not for the tone in your posts. You ASSUME ERRONEOUSLY that you are aware of something that I am not when it is soooo the other way around.

 

Look. I have had a real relationship with a man for 9 years - in person and through distance. I met his family and became a part of it. You have ever been married and never experienced that part of being married. So it is understandable that you don't get it.

 

I will say again - you may think you are being helpful - but you have quite a lot of research to do before you can give me insights that would be accurate.

 

You are even at this point stuck in an unrequited love relationship for over three years so I think you've got more crap on your plate than I have on mine. And my plate is pretty full right now.

 

You may be coming from an honest place but simply do not understand the family dynamic, my place in that dynamic, or the culture which have everything to do with what you are trying to address.

Suffice it to say you are way off base so just don't, okay? Just don't.

[AnnPod]

Hello Island Girl,

 

I would not dare to make judgements about people and situations that I don't know. I have the impression you have made your decision, and now you just want to get done everything as soon as possible, so that you are finally completely able to move on. It must be very hard to give something up for which you have invested so much, but I think the good thing is you know where you stand and what you want. I can not tell you how to resolve this painful waiting to get things done, or how to get over the feeling that it's all up to you to arrange things though. I think you anyway know that your proirity should be that you must think of what's best for yourself now.

 

Best wishes.

[SoulSearch_CO]

IG, I can't believe I missed all of this. I don't spend much time in LDRs, so that may be why. But it breaks my heart. I am so sorry to read you are going through this after so much work put through on this.

 

It seems there are great loves out there, but circumstances seem content to keep those apart. While those that are easily able to be together don't appreciate what they have. Kind of sheds a new light on things when you've been through something like you've been through.

 

I don't want to TJ your thread, but wanted to say something in regards to my situation with the guy I went out of town with. I mentioned before that he was separated from his stbxw (still is...9 months, now). He has been struggling with the decision to file since SHE was the one that requested the split. He aches for his children, so has not found the strength to be the one to put such a final stamp on it. The situation has stressed the both of us. We both pushed/pulled in and out of the relationship with each other. There were times he cut it off, and times when I did. We always seemed to come back together. Until the most recent time when he was enduring some kind of stress that he didn't disclose to me 100% and I said something that triggered an emotional response and he pushed me away hard - stating he needs to get his marriage situation finalized and he would let me know when that happened.

 

It hurts to know what potential beauty there is out there...and to have to deal with somebody that is so unwilling to grasp it. I understand where he's coming from, but on my end it's utterly frustrating. But I just wanted to let you know that I feel some small fraction (tiny, tiny, tiny...I don't have near as much time invested...but I did feel very strongly for him, still do) of the tear that rends at your soul and I am sorry. I wish I knew more of what to say.

[Island Girl]

IG, I can't believe I missed all of this. I don't spend much time in LDRs, so that may be why. But it breaks my heart. I am so sorry to read you are going through this after so much work put through on this.

 

Oh SoulSearch! I would not wish anyone to be heartbroken by this - not me, not him, and certainly not those out there who have offered so much support as you have.

 

I thank you for the sentiment however.

 

It seems there are great loves out there, but circumstances seem content to keep those apart. While those that are easily able to be together don't appreciate what they have. Kind of sheds a new light on things when you've been through something like you've been through.

 

There are. And a part of me will always love the him that I knew and I wish him well. I hope he would say the same.

 

And yes there are many out there who take for granted what they have while others search for it or have it slip through their fingers.

 

Thankfully we all have the great capacity to understand, ask forgiveness, forgive, and move on. That is what I am choosing to do.

Life is for the living and it is best I get on with living it. You just never know what is in store. I've found it's mostly great things.

 

I don't want to TJ your thread, but wanted to say something in regards to my situation with the guy I went out of town with. I mentioned before that he was separated from his stbxw (still is...9 months, now).

 

NP with the TJ. I appreciate you sharing your "journey" as well. I have wondered you know - but I don't stalk your posts and drift from place to place briefly these days and then get off of LS.

 

He has been struggling with the decision to file since SHE was the one that requested the split. He aches for his children, so has not found the strength to be the one to put such a final stamp on it. The situation has stressed the both of us. We both pushed/pulled in and out of the relationship with each other. There were times he cut it off, and times when I did. We always seemed to come back together. Until the most recent time when he was enduring some kind of stress that he didn't disclose to me 100% and I said something that triggered an emotional response and he pushed me away hard - stating he needs to get his marriage situation finalized and he would let me know when that happened.

 

Oh I am sorry to hear about such conflict going on. If she filed and he didn't want the divorce then I can see how he feels he has a foot in both camps right now.

 

You say he pushed you away hard. But those were his words to you - that he'd "let you know when that happened"?

Because to me that sounds like he wants to come to you with a clean slate. Is that the perception you got from the conversation?

 

It hurts to know what potential beauty there is out there...and to have to deal with somebody that is so unwilling to grasp it.

 

Yes. I understand that completely.

Do you think he is unwilling or just at this time unable...?

 

I understand where he's coming from, but on my end it's utterly frustrating. But I just wanted to let you know that I feel some small fraction (tiny, tiny, tiny...I don't have near as much time invested...but I did feel very strongly for him, still do) of the tear that rends at your soul and I am sorry. I wish I knew more of what to say.

 

Oh! SoulSearch - I have accepted this. It doesn't rip me apart. There is sadness for what has ended. Sure there is.

But I had many fantastic years and this relationship taught me so much that I will use in the future. I communicate better than I ever have about my own wants and needs. I also listen better than I ever did.

 

I wish you could find things such as these from your relationship to comfort you now. You are in the midst of it. And when things are SO GOOD and then there is an end that is different I think. When it is new and fabulous - to have that cut short is painful. And I am so very sorry you are going through this.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like.

 

{{{SS_CO}}}

[Island Girl]

Hello Island Girl,

 

I would not dare to make judgements about people and situations that I don't know.

 

Thank you AnnPod. It is one thing to suggest a possibility with the understanding that these situations can be VERY complicated. And quite another to definitively state something as fact that calls into question the integrity of people who will always remain dear to me.

 

I have the impression you have made your decision, and now you just want to get done everything as soon as possible, so that you are finally completely able to move on.

 

Yes. I have made my decision. I know it is the right one for me but I believe t is for both of us at this point.

The way events have unfolded there can be no other resolution.

If we were together not only would it probably have never happened - but there would be opportunity for counseling before so much damage was done.

It just wasn't possible for us.

 

It must be very hard to give something up for which you have invested so much, but I think the good thing is you know where you stand and what you want. I can not tell you how to resolve this painful waiting to get things done, or how to get over the feeling that it's all up to you to arrange things though. I think you anyway know that your priority should be that you must think of what's best for yourself now.

 

Best wishes.

 

It is hard to see so much ended without having the joy at seeing it come to fruition. However, there is also a sense of a new beginning around the corner. Of a different life than I have been living all molded and created by me for me. So many years I have done things for us and for the family. I put a lot on hold. As did he. We don't have to do that anymore.

 

I want this chapter to be closed quickly because that is the least painful and most productive way for both of us. But you are right in the end I have to think of myself first. I have had a lot of things missing in my life. Things I willingly gave up but want again. And I know the only way to have ALL of it is to be free to receive ALL of it again whenever that happens.

And you never know when it will happen...or how...or who.

I am not bitter now and I do not want this drawn out creating animosity and resentment that I have to deal with before I can have love and marriage in my life again - and I do want that.

[freestyle]

Hey IG,

 

I'm still very much a newbie here, but I'd like to say that I've been consistently impressed by your posts....you have a razor-sharp insight

when you're offering advice to others.One that strips away the tangents

and gets to the core of an issue, while still coming across as compassionate.

 

It's something to be proud of.

 

I was dumbfounded when I read this thread, and all I can do is offer my

heartfelt sympathy for what you're going through.

 

If this helps at all, I came up with a two-word phrase that has carried me through periods of sheer emotional hell:

 

"Ever forward.............."

 

Please don't think I'm trying to minimize, or marginalize your pain, I absolutely don't mean that as ,"Get over it....." (god, I hate that phrase)

I'm just saying that phrase helped me when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball, pull the covers over my head, and wish the pain away.

 

Wishing you healing, and happiness...(when the timetable is right for you)

 

*hugs*........Freestyle

[Island Girl]

Hey IG,

 

I'm still very much a newbie here, but I'd like to say that I've been consistently impressed by your posts....you have a razor-sharp insight

when you're offering advice to others.One that strips away the tangents

and gets to the core of an issue, while still coming across as compassionate.

 

It's something to be proud of.

 

I was dumbfounded when I read this thread, and all I can do is offer my

heartfelt sympathy for what you're going through.

 

If this helps at all, I came up with a two-word phrase that has carried me through periods of sheer emotional hell:

 

"Ever forward.............."

 

Please don't think I'm trying to minimize, or marginalize your pain, I absolutely don't mean that as ,"Get over it....." (god, I hate that phrase)

I'm just saying that phrase helped me when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball, pull the covers over my head, and wish the pain away.

 

Wishing you healing, and happiness...(when the timetable is right for you)

 

*hugs*........Freestyle

 

That was exactly what I needed to hear. "Ever FORWARD".

 

I know EXACTLY what you mean - I just didn't have those words for it. That is what I am doing. Focusing on today and the days ahead not the past.

 

What wonderful compliments too. That was very thoughtful of you. Thank you very much for posting. You made my day today.

 

*hugs right back to you*

 

And ever forward...

 

IG

[sugarmomma]

IG,

 

I have never been in a ldr but I have read your posts. I always come away thinking "wow how does someone love like that from so far away". What I have learned from you is that love doesn't go away just because you don't see someone. I read this entire thread and you have been a lady from the start. He seems like such a foolish man to let you go just like that.

 

I was really sad to read the part about him threatening to abandon you. That is the absolute worst thing someone can do to another human being. What I got from this is that when your partner changes and becomes cruel and malicious sometimes they may be trying to get you to end things because they don't have the courage to.

 

Respect is so very important and it actually precedes love. I hurt someone that loved me deeply because I said cruel and disrespectful things to them. Words cannot be taken back and once a couple reaches the point of no return, its almost impossible to recover.

 

He had someone that loved him and that is hard to find.

 

I wish you both all the happiness your heart can hold whether together or apart.

 

Go out and create the life you deserve.

 

From what I know you're a strong and amazing woman.