Just don't know what I think....

[fooled once]

Thank you for the words of encouragment Fallen Angel. I am here because I don't know where else to turn. My heart is aching. I have lost who I thought was my best friend. xMM was my rock and my confidant.

 

My husband and I were having problems before I started having an affair. xMM and his wife had been had been having problems for years as well. I knew him for 3 years before we started our affair and had seen him with his wife on several occassions. They were both and still are miserable and it is very obvious. They never do anything together and if they do, they drive separately. I do think the reason he is still at home is due to the property he owns as well as his political career. I do think he is preparing to leave as he told me. Now, whether or not he comes back to me, I don't know. One minute I think he will...the next I just don't know.

 

Before others jump to conclusions, I have talked to my husband. He has known for the past 3 years that I was unhappy. I have put my finger on what I think needs fixing in our marriage. It fell on deaf ears. He didn't see the problems I was seeing. After a year of talking to him, I turned to xMM. Yes, that was wrong. I had talked to my husband about leaving and he begged me to stay...this was 2 years ago. He didn't want another failed marriage. It's not like my husband thinks things are fine when they really aren't. Either way, I have created this mess and only I can clean it up.

 

Like any online community, take what you need and leave the rest.

 

MANY of us have been OW. We know what we are talking about as we have first hand experience. We all thought the xMM were our confidante's, our best friends, etc. Some of the former OW were married also. Some, like me, were not.

 

What exactly did you do to try to fix your marriage, besides confide in someone who wasn't your husband that needed to be fixed? What things did you tell your husband? Was it all things that HE needed to fix? Did you own up to him any of the problems you felt you contributed to the problems in the marriage? Did you offer to seek marriage counseling with him? Did you offer to go on a marriage retreat with him? Or was your thought to find someone else to help you through your marriage issues?

 

RE: the bolded -- you are more worried about him and his marriage than your own, from how I read this.

 

RE: the bolded, underlined and italicized part -- you are still wanting a relationship with the MM, NOT your marriage.

 

and the below supports what I wrote up here ^

 

I think xMM is gone for good.

From what you wrote here:

 

I need to pick up the pieces and move on. Whether I move on with my husband or not is a choice I have to make.

I disagree. Your husband needs to know so HE can make a decision about HIS life. You are still holding onto the pieces of the affair, of the MM. If he came to you TODAY, I 100% believe you would go with him.

 

As a result of my decisions, innocent people have been hurt

The only innocent person I can think of who has been hurt is your H. He KNOWS something is going on, but you have lied to him. What other innocent person has been hurt??

 

Which is why I think you MUST tell your husband. He needs to know that you are not IN the marriage anymore. You are only biding time until the MM calls you or gets in touch with you. You aren't interested in the marriage ~ unless the MM tells you without a doubt that he no longer cares about you or wants you.

 

Just my views...

[NowhereToHide]

I haven't read all the responses, but I have a very similar story -- although my affair was short, less than 3 months.

 

A couple of things:

 

First off, one month will NOT be long enough for you to get over your feelings for your xMM. Not even by a long shot. I am in my 7th month after my affair and I am STILL struggling. But it does get better.

 

Secondly, most people on here will tell you that you must tell your husband. I don't think it's a black or white issue, and certainly you need to weigh your current situation and decide for yourself. I chose not to tell my H. Mainly because I realized the issues I need to work on and telling him would alleviate my guilt but would crush him. Again, not everyone agrees, but it's not the right thing for everyone.

 

Thirdly, I could have described my marriage exactly as you did before my A. Don't give up on your marriage without MC or some kind of intensive help. Your H can't compete with your xMM. He's not supposed to. I have a renewed love for my husband now because I'm now clear of the "fog" and understand that my "husband's" issues were actually MY issues. You owe it to him and to what you've built together to at least try. I know I'm now so grateful that I didn't run off with my xAP. Everything I needed was here all along.

[boldjack]

First off, OP, those people who advise you not to tell your husband the truth, are lying to their spouses as well, and are no better off, than the ones who come clean.. If you end your marriage, then your H deserves to know the reason why. No good relationships are based on lies, and deceit and cowardice, And to say that you don't tell them because it would be selfish to harm them by telling the truth, is the biggest lie of all, and the one they tell themselves , so that they can continue to deceive their H's some more. You seem to have a good grasp of your problems. Divorce your H, work on your self, and if the relationship with your MM is to be, it WILL be.

[boldjack]

BTW, NWH, Every moment that you don't tell your husband the truth, is another lie told. What kind of marriage do you wish for your husband , to have him nmarried to a good, honest woman, or to a liar, cheater and bad person, like yourself?

[NowhereToHide]

BTW, NWH, Every moment that you don't tell your husband the truth, is another lie told. What kind of marriage do you wish for your husband , to have him nmarried to a good, honest woman, or to a liar, cheater and bad person, like yourself?

 

 

Trust me, Boldjack.... this is an issue that I've thought long and hard about. And I respect your opinion more than you know. I know that you and many others feel very strongly that the BS should always be told. I don't believe it is that black and white.

 

I have been in IC for 8 months. This is not a decision I came to lightly... I live with a tremendous amount of guilt over having the A. Will I change my decision someday? Maybe. But for right now, I've chosen not to tell him.

 

And I've read entire threads dedicated to the topic on here. I know what most people think of my decision.

[boldjack]

Well, I'm very sorry that you are so dishonest, with yourself as well as with your husband, that you cannot do what you know is right. And I'm even more sorry for your poor husband, shackled in a marriage with such a person as you are proving to be. If I knew him, I would tell him, he deserves sooooo much better than this.

[Regina119512]

Well, I'm very sorry that you are so dishonest, with yourself as well as with your husband, that you cannot do what you know is right. And I'm even more sorry for your poor husband, shackled in a marriage with such a person as you are proving to be. If I knew him, I would tell him, he deserves sooooo much better than this.

 

 

The decision whether to tell one's partner about an affair is very personal. Some of us are married to people who we know would prefer to stay oblivious.

 

So when you continue to tell her what a bad person she is by not revealing her infidelity to her husband, you should keep in mind that she knows her husband and their situation better than you do.

 

I do not for one minute believe you or anyone shares 100% of yourself with your spouse, nor should you. Marriages can survive when partners have secrets, even secrets as big as a PAST affair. Don't kid yourself that one's morality is dependent on revealing it. If you must share your judgment, save it for the act of the affair itself.

 

It's a good thing you don't know her husband so you don't stick your nose in where it doesn't belong.

[delirious]

The decision whether to tell one's partner about an affair is very personal. Some of us are married to people who we know would prefer to stay oblivious.

 

So when you continue to tell her what a bad person she is by not revealing her infidelity to her husband, you should keep in mind that she knows her husband and their situation better than you do.

 

I do not for one minute believe you or anyone shares 100% of yourself with your spouse, nor should you. Marriages can survive when partners have secrets, even secrets as big as a PAST affair. Don't kid yourself that one's morality is dependent on revealing it. If you must share your judgment, save it for the act of the affair itself.

 

It's a good thing you don't know her husband so you don't stick your nose in where it doesn't belong.

 

 

 

I second that, the OP is in pain, great emotional turmoil, some posters seem unable to conceive that, It would do no good to cause her H more pain, he knows she was not happy, but the affair is over.

[JumpinJimmy]

JDK, don't automatically confess you affair to your H. Your marriage is unique no matter who says their situation was identical. Alot of posters will try to bully you into a confession.....put their advice in with the rest and consider it carefully, but just becuase they burned their marriage to the ground doesn't mean you have to throw yourself on the pyre to keep them company.

[NowhereToHide]

The decision whether to tell one's partner about an affair is very personal. Some of us are married to people who we know would prefer to stay oblivious.

 

So when you continue to tell her what a bad person she is by not revealing her infidelity to her husband, you should keep in mind that she knows her husband and their situation better than you do.

 

I do not for one minute believe you or anyone shares 100% of yourself with your spouse, nor should you. Marriages can survive when partners have secrets, even secrets as big as a PAST affair. Don't kid yourself that one's morality is dependent on revealing it. If you must share your judgment, save it for the act of the affair itself.

 

It's a good thing you don't know her husband so you don't stick your nose in where it doesn't belong.

 

 

Thanks Regina... I've been here for a few weeks and I'm used to hearing this from people. Many have VERY strong opinions that the BS must always be told in the case of infidelity. And I respect their opinion.

 

I agree that everyone needs to evaluate this decision for themselves. And I think it's a shame that people are cruel to others that don't agree with their mandate. It shouldn't be what these boards are about.

 

Most people are here for help. And I'm willing to reach out to anyone who is in pain, regardless if I believe that they may or may not be making a mistake.

[boldjack]

I'm always surprised at how many people have little or no personal integrity. Whether it is in a marriage or in business or in a person's relationships with friends and family, lack of basic honesty is considered a character flaw. I wonder how employers or friends would react to people with such ingrained deceitfulness? I am an ex OM/MM and I learned the very, very, hard way that nothing replaces honesty in a marriage. All marriages are different, Yes, but they are predicated on basic principles of love and trust. These principles are interdependent, without one, there can't truly be the other. Lies never die, but will have to be continued forever, only truth can kill a lie. Those posters who say that the OP should continue to deceive her spouse, are not giving her good advice, they are condoning dishonesty. Is this what you teach your children?

[boldjack]

BTW, Yes, Regina, I am an open book to my wife. ANYTHING she needs or wants to know about my past, all she has to do is ask. I never have to worry about past bad behavior, because I am not afraid to reveal it. Some of the posters should try it sometime. Works great.:D

[2sure]

Coming clean to your spouse will be the hardest and best decision you have ever made in your life. If you do not, the deception will continue to undermine your marriage. If you do - it is an real opportunity to reach a turning point.

 

As to your MM - it sounds as though once he realized you were that serious about him...he bailed. Consider it a favor.

[Regina119512]

I'm always surprised at how many people have little or no personal integrity. Whether it is in a marriage or in business or in a person's relationships with friends and family, lack of basic honesty is considered a character flaw. I wonder how employers or friends would react to people with such ingrained deceitfulness? I am an ex OM/MM and I learned the very, very, hard way that nothing replaces honesty in a marriage. All marriages are different, Yes, but they are predicated on basic principles of love and trust. These principles are interdependent, without one, there can't truly be the other. Lies never die, but will have to be continued forever, only truth can kill a lie. Those posters who say that the OP should continue to deceive her spouse, are not giving her good advice, they are condoning dishonesty. Is this what you teach your children?

 

 

Boldjack, as a former MM/OM who has revealed the truth of your deceit and believes others should also reveal deceit, it sounds like you believe the wrong you originally perpetrated upon your wife is undone, or at least made better, by your confession.

 

I think the best way to earn the trust of a spouse is to live in an honest and trustworthy manner. For those who didn't always do that, for those who strayed and have now decided it was wrong for them, learning from that experience and living in a more honest manner is more important than hurting the spouse by revealing the truth of the affair.

 

I would also like to suggest that the reasons some people confess are so that they feel better, and sometimes that confession is at the expense of their spouse. In such situations, the WS feels better and so honest for revealing it, while the BS is the one who has to bear the burden.

 

 

I agree with you, and I think most people would, that lack of honesty is a character flaw. So is cheating. So is brutal honesty when it is not in the best interest of the person hearing it (and I think the WS would be in a position to know what is in the best interest of his/her spouse).

 

Life is not as simple as we would like it to be. While it is usually best to be honest, it is NOT always the best policy, in my opinion. (BTW, you say "only truth can kill a lie" ~ I disagree. Nothing can "kill" a lie.)

 

Once again, I emphasize that marriages are different. While the honesty might outweigh the pain and devastation for some spouses, others would prefer not to know. That leaves the WS to carry the burden of what she/he has done, and learn from the mistake. When making the decision to reveal infidelity to one's spouse, the issue is not "integrity," it is what is best for that particular marriage.

 

And on another note: you are "surprised" at how little personal integrity "people" (others, presumably, not YOU) have? Don't be. In the grand scheme of life, one who strives to overcome the damage of an affair alone, without revealing the affair to the spouse, is not the best example of lack of integrity.

[MistyK]

You texted MM that you wanted to work on your M. I assume you meant that at the time. How is it that you came to change your mind so quickly? It sounds more like a decision based on fear - you still want both.

 

If MM isn't returning your contact attempts it's possible that its because he's as aware that you are that 2 weeks isn't sufficient for that. Plus, he told you he was preparing to leave for you, leave life as he knew it, and you back out - via text message of all things. Certainly if I were rejected like that by text message, I'd have great pause to review what I was doing.

 

At this point what he's doing is none of your concern. You have to get yourself in the frame of mind that he isn't going to be in your life anymore as you make decisions about your own M. If MM comes back later, fine, but you shouldn't be making decisions based on him. Besides, if by some miracle you both end up leaving, you'll be grateful that you had some time to be away from each other and come back with a clean slate.

[Moanin]

This was my thought too.........

 

The MM is keeping NC because he was looking for a way out that didn't involve you getting mad or ratting him out. He didn't have to be the "bad guy" and end it himself, either.

 

When you initiated NC he saw his chance to get out free and clear.

 

He is taking it. Simple as that.

 

When he said he'd love you and your son forever, he was saying goodbye.

 

If I were you I'd get to work on the marriage as the MM is gone for good, imo.

[NowhereToHide]

Regina, Can't you leave it alone? I have no problem with you having a contrary opinion, but you do no't have the right to "name call''. If you feel that this is not so, then I suggest you PM Tony and ask him.

 

 

Boldjack, I think the point that Regina is trying to make is that it's appropriate to offer your opinion without attacks. But it is NOT appropriate to continually badger someone about your point of view, while being disrespectful and harsh.

[JustDoNotKnow]

Thanks for the comments and advice from each and everyone of you...whether it be positive or negative. I do feel like alot of you attack people, whether it be directly or indirectly. I know what I did was very wrong and I do feel that I have been judged as a lieing, cheating, no-good, sorry person. That isn't me at all. I made a bad decision in life and turned to this board for help. I needed a place to vent. Thanks for taking time to listen to me.

[confusedinkansas]

So when you continue to tell her what a bad person she is by not revealing her infidelity to her husband, you should keep in mind that she knows her husband and their situation better than you do.

 

It's a good thing you don't know her husband so you don't stick your nose in where it doesn't belong.

 

I agree! I have read over & over here in LS where posters bash people, name call, etc. until the poster either breaks down & tells or just stops posting. I don't understand why it's necessary for BS (& those are the ones that do most of the bashing in these forums) to take your own frustration & your own situation out on someone else.

 

OP - You do whatever it is you have to do when it comes to your husband. You know him - We don't. As for your MM - I think that he may have been leading you along. Just a hunch - I saw it in my own affair.

 

I hope it all works out for you - whether you decide to stay, leave, tell or not tell.

 

I don't think that it's the worst thing in the world to stay in a marriage & NOT tell your spouse of your affair though. Just my opinion.

[NowhereToHide]

Thanks for the comments and advice from each and everyone of you...whether it be positive or negative. I do feel like alot of you attack people, whether it be directly or indirectly. I know what I did was very wrong and I do feel that I have been judged as a lieing, cheating, no-good, sorry person. That isn't me at all. I made a bad decision in life and turned to this board for help. I needed a place to vent. Thanks for taking time to listen to me.

 

 

Hang in there JDNK.....

 

Don't stop coming on these boards. There are a lot of us that have been where you are right now, including myself. There is so much pain all around.

 

I feel exactly as you do... I am NOT a bad person because of my A or because I have chosen to not tell my H. We are all doing the best we can to get through this life. Just continue to seek help, listen to your heart, and do what you know to be right. And keep posting. We'll be here.

[boldjack]

JDNK, all of the advice you have received here are from the experiences of the individual posters. Most of them, who say you shouldn't tell, are people who haven't told their SO's about affairs either. Most who are advising you to be honest, are those who have "come clean", themselves. It's for you to decide your own course. Whether you stay in the marriage or not, whether your MM contacts you or not, seek help from TRAINED PROFESSIONAL COUNSELORS, to deal with your own personal issues. They, better than us, can help you find a positive, honest, healthy lifestyle. Good Luck.:)

[mybrowneyedgirl]

just - dont listen to them. after posting a thread pouring my heart out at a very vulnerable time i was crushed by some of the responses.

 

but you have to see these people for what they are. many know and understand your situation, and will be the support that you need. many are BS themselves or people with a sour taste in their mouth after their own A ended poorly. Instead of focusing their anger where justified (as to maybe their WS) these people direct their harsh words here. cowardly, although justified.

 

so please, dont get discouraged. good people make mistakes...dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

[NowhereToHide]

JDNK, all of the advice you have received here are from the experiences of the individual posters. Most of them, who say you shouldn't tell, are people who haven't told their SO's about affairs either. Most who are advising you to be honest, are those who have "come clean", themselves. It's for you to decide your own course. Whether you stay in the marriage or not, whether your MM contacts you or not, seek help from TRAINED PROFESSIONAL COUNSELORS, to deal with your own personal issues. They, better than us, can help you find a positive, honest, healthy lifestyle. Good Luck.:)

 

Glad to hear you say that, Boldjack. That is exactly what I have done for the past six months. And it's through intensive therapy, much discussion, and an thorough evaluation of my PERSONAL situation that my therapist recommended that I DO NOT tell my H about my affair.

 

I also find it fascinating to hear you say that you've "never seen a healthy marriage where the spouse hasn't told". That's because you never would KNOW that there was infidelity if it was never exposed. It's a ridiculous statement. No one other than my therapist has any idea that I engaged in an affair. I'm sure you believe that my marriage will be doomed until the day I die because I am choosing not to tell. That's your opinion. I however, feel differently.

 

There isn't a frickin' rulebook for all of this. Those of you that believe there is one way and only one way to come out the other side are just ignoring that the world isn't black and white. There can be alternative outcomes in EVERY situation.

[boldjack]

Please also note JDNK, that although I am direct in my advice, I never resorted to name calling, Like Regina or MBG.

[fooled once]

just - dont listen to them. after posting a thread pouring my heart out at a very vulnerable time i was crushed by some of the responses.

 

but you have to see these people for what they are. many know and understand your situation, and will be the support that you need. many are BS themselves or people with a sour taste in their mouth after their own A ended poorly. Instead of focusing their anger where justified (as to maybe their WS) these people direct their harsh words here. cowardly, although justified.

 

so please, dont get discouraged. good people make mistakes...dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

FYI - many BS's are some of the best people to listen to. Many have chosen to forgive their spouse.

 

I wish the labeling of people would STOP - especially when you don't like their answer. To say that BS's input isn't valid, needed and to just ignore it is infantile and ignorant.

 

I am one who said for her to tell her H - and I am not a BS. Never have been.

 

Just because you don't like the advise doesn't mean the advise isn't good.

 

IMHO - you cannot rebuild a marriage after an affair unless you come clean to your spouse and STOP LYING. Lies will crush a marriage.

 

Trust may be broken; but it can be repaired. Once you start lying, you can't stop and you have to remember all the lies you told.

 

And Regina, my spouse knows all about my past. I don't feel the need to keep secrets from him. Why would I? I pledge to give him my heart and soul, to be truthful and to communicate. Why would I omit things that occurred during our marriage?

 

I guess why many OW don't tell their spouse - because they know he will leave them. So at least be honest about why you don't want to tell. The lying has to stop at some point.

 

If you didn't care about their feelings when you were in the affair, why do those feelings matter so much now?

 

I personally would respect someone more because they chose honesty and not to continue to lie to themselves and their spouse.

 

Yes, everyone makes mistakes; but in order to grow, you must learn from those mistakes and sometimes, suffer the repercussions from them.