Wife left me, I still want her back...

[Tom81]

She was the one who called me when I was sick and said we should meet up. I know Topaz...I have to be careful with things. That's why I'm throwing all the info out there...to hear what you guys think.

[floridapad]

Tom81

 

Please be careful how you use that "hope" we all have for getting back together. It's just not in the cards right now. NC truly is about you and getting yourself back. When I went LC in the beginning I did it 50% for us and 50% for me. It didn't heal me. It wasn't until I realized that LC/NC was 100% about me that I actually started feeling much better. I kissed the relationship goodbye kept telling myself she doesn't love me in the way I need. The mindset sometimes at this point of the relationship is to just let them go and stop hoping/imagining the past or a reconciliation. YOU have to get control of the situation back and the only way is for YOU to get yourself back and stop worrying about whats going on in her head. She cheated on you and left. Those are the actions. Calling to see how you are doing in the grand scheme of things means nothing.

 

Whats going on in her head is irrelevant to healing YOU. Stop thinking about what she is thinking about just because she calls to see how you are. It means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Edited November 14, 2009 by floridapad

[Chrome Barracuda]

I would just ignore her, actions speak louder than words.

 

If she cheated and left me, I wouldnt want to talk to her unless she was serious about reconsiling and being a true wife to me, other than that she could kiss my azz. I'm sick and all she can do is call like she is my friend?

 

WTF we're married, and this is how she treats me. unbelievable. She treats me like crap and i should have to tolerate it???

 

Hell no. dont tolerate anything!

 

I'd just file and start dating other females, she isnt coming back!

[tojaz]

She was the one who called me when I was sick and said we should meet up. I know Topaz...I have to be careful with things. That's why I'm throwing all the info out there...to hear what you guys think.

 

 

Showing concern or pity while your ill is a lot different then talking reconciliation. If she dosen't say it in plain english you could be walking into hell spurred on by hopes that were never there. Either way, to come back together your going to take the risk, but make it a calculated risk and know for sure what her intentions are before jumping off the cliff "hoping" thats a parachute on your back, make sure! Check out MayIs thread "The finality of Divorce"

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Tom81

 

Please be careful how you use that "hope" we all have for getting back together. It's just not in the cards right now. NC truly is about you and getting yourself back. When I went LC in the beginning I did it 50% for us and 50% for me. It didn't heal me. It wasn't until I realized that LC/NC was 100% about me that I actually started feeling much better. I kissed the relationship goodbye kept telling myself she doesn't love me in the way I need. The mindset sometimes at this point of the relationship is to just let them go and stop hoping/imagining the past or a reconciliation. YOU have to get control of the situation back and the only way is for YOU to get yourself back and stop worrying about whats going on in her head. She cheated on you and left. Those are the actions. Calling to see how you are doing in the grand scheme of things means nothing.

 

Whats going on in her head is irrelevant to healing YOU. Stop thinking about what she is thinking about just because she calls to see how you are. It means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

 

Great advice FL.

 

Tom, be very careful on this one....NC or LC for a month is commendable but you might want to explore your feelings more to work on you, not worry about what she's doing. My STBX finally got the boundary discussion 5 days ago and we are now at total NC. Not only has it been good for me, but I think that it is good for him too. My STBX has a lot to work on, but I've closed the chapter on that part of my life.

 

When you are sick, you are vulnerable to those emotions. I know that exactly...my STBX left 9 days after I had a major surgery, then had the audacity to text me everyday asking how I was doing....like he really even cared at all....net/net - setting boundaries and doing the NC/LC is to work on you....

[tojaz]

Great advice FL.

When you are sick, you are vulnerable to those emotions. I know that exactly...my STBX left 9 days after I had a major surgery, then had the audacity to text me everyday asking how I was doing....like he really even cared at all....net/net - setting boundaries and doing the NC/LC is to work on you....

 

I know how that feels. When i first went NC with the ex, it wasn't tactic or even to work on me, it was a matter of survival. Just tseeing her would cause a meltdown. After the first week she sent me a text that said "Wellness check" I didn't bother responding. Later when we finaly spoke again, I asked what it was about, she told me she knew I was depressed and was afraid I had done something to myself. In thinking about it, she was worried about that, and she let it go with an unanswered text!!! Who was that text really for? It sure as hell wasn't for me, it was for her all along.

TOJAZ

[Steadfast]

Tom, you're doing the right thing with NC and you're just beginning to see some results. Please, PLEASE don't treat it like a game or a scheme; she'll see right through it and will pull away even more. That's manipulation.

 

Do it for you. Do it for your head, your heart, your self esteem. And don't worry about the holidays! It'll all be over in a few weeks. Just another day.

 

Finally, until she says "I was wrong, I want to come back, I'm ready and willing to do whatever it takes for our marriage to survive" you have nothing. To be honest, the odds aren't in your favor. Once a wife cheats, then moves out (or you do) it is over and has been -for them- for awhile.

 

With NC, you'll process and deal with this better and quicker. It is what's best for you; for your mental health and heart. Take care of you Tom!

[Tom81]

I definitely am not doing NC as a game. NC has been really helping me...but with being sick and with the holidays looming, it's been hard to not think about her as much. Plus work/school for me is getting a little rough and I have had to work on weekends as well as the week. When I can make plans and go out and hang out...I'm really good and NC works great for me. When I'm stuck at school/work all weekend working on my project...my mind starts to stray and think of her and us.

 

I know things will be better one day...it's just hard to see right now. I know it'll get better. I just wish I wasn't so hopeful...wish i was more of a realist when it came to my separation.

[Steadfast]

The head and the heart often conflict Tom. No one is asking you to stop thinking about her...maybe changing *how* you think about her will help.

 

Try not to think of this woman as your wife, but as a person. Just another person. Because love can often blind us to the reality of someone's actions, stepping back and looking at her more objectively can often help us deal.

 

I once told a good friend that I missed my ex. He asked 'If you didn't know her before, had just met and knew her past, would you want to date her?'

 

I shocked myself by answering no. I wouldn't. That's when I knew I 'crossed over' to the other side Tom. I'm not saying you'll feel that way, but...

 

Hang in there, feel better-

[Tom81]

It's been awhile since I updated things and would like some feedback from all of you LS'ers.

 

I'm still going with no contact....but it's maybe a more like limited contact. We still don't see each other or talk much. Over the past week my wife has done some stupid things financially and other things that would take to long to get into and try to make sense here.

 

Basically, I'm meeting with a lawyer tomorrow. A friend of mine, her husband has been a property lawyer for a long time listened to me and recommended one to me. I found out that in New York you need a settlement or separation type agreement signed by my wife and I and we can't get a divorce until a year after that. So I'm probably going to get the ball rolling.

 

I still have hope and would like to reconcile...but I don't want it being too long and wishing I would have gotten this process started sooner. I could be moving in 6 or 7 months for my job and if I'm not reconciled my wife will be staying and things won't look good. So I feel like I need to move forward and get things moving and live my own life. It was her decision to move out and leave me. It'll be nice to meet the lawyer, get advice, find out my legal rights...but it's also scary and sad. Sad that it has come to this.

 

Just a little depressed lately and trying to hang in there. I still love and miss my wife...she just isn't the same person anymore. I wish she'd come back and work...just not looking very good. I can't keep my life in stasis forever. I'll updated more tomorrow after my meeting.

[FeelingLonely98]

It's been awhile since I updated things and would like some feedback from all of you LS'ers.

 

I'm still going with no contact....but it's maybe a more like limited contact. We still don't see each other or talk much. Over the past week my wife has done some stupid things financially and other things that would take to long to get into and try to make sense here.

 

Basically, I'm meeting with a lawyer tomorrow. A friend of mine, her husband has been a property lawyer for a long time listened to me and recommended one to me. I found out that in New York you need a settlement or separation type agreement signed by my wife and I and we can't get a divorce until a year after that. So I'm probably going to get the ball rolling.

 

I still have hope and would like to reconcile...but I don't want it being too long and wishing I would have gotten this process started sooner. I could be moving in 6 or 7 months for my job and if I'm not reconciled my wife will be staying and things won't look good. So I feel like I need to move forward and get things moving and live my own life. It was her decision to move out and leave me. It'll be nice to meet the lawyer, get advice, find out my legal rights...but it's also scary and sad. Sad that it has come to this.

 

Just a little depressed lately and trying to hang in there. I still love and miss my wife...she just isn't the same person anymore. I wish she'd come back and work...just not looking very good. I can't keep my life in stasis forever. I'll updated more tomorrow after my meeting.

 

Wow, Tom your situation is like mine in that the NC has helped me and killed me. On day 23 now. I don't ever expect her to contact me. I would like her to come to her senses and come home and try to reconcile, but she won't. I'm moving on. Don't know if you remember my story: 47 yr old W leaves good M for 18 yr old BF. (ugh)

In Fla. we don't have to wait. She dropped the ILYBINILWY bomb on me on 8/28 and I have already filed for D and the hearing should be before year's end. Then we will be divorced. Probably in less than 4 months. WOW, on 8/27 if someone told I would be divorced from the love of my life in Dec. I would have NEVER believed them. I was 1000% blindsided! In some ways the quickness is better - for ME. If I had to wait a year, I would flip my lid. I still love and miss my W too Tom.

 

Stay the course of NC - it will help keep you as sane as possible. Maybe go out and study at the library instead of at home? Also, find something new and cool for you to do that you have always wanted to do. In your spare time do that. Look forward to it so you will focus on work and school better. Are you ready to date? Maybe that would help?

 

Keep posting ... GOOD LUCK.

Edited December 3, 2009 by FeelingLonely98

[Tom81]

An update:

 

I met a lawyer today to go over my rights and to discuss things. In June or July I'm going to finish school and will be moving away from where I'm living. I don't want my wife to be dragging her feet when it comes to the divorce. I want to reconcile, try to work on things, but I want to be prepared and ready for things. It was very weird and depressing to be talking to a lawyer. It someone felt good to hear about things and to get information on how things work in my state (I live in NY and the laws here for divorce are a little harder than most states). I got some info today and was well informed. Plus because I was recommended by a good friend he is giving me a pretty good deal on price. He is very experienced and has been doing it for awhile.

 

Anyone got advice when it comes to lawyers and divorce. Anything that you can share would help.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Well I would complete the divorce now before you leave,, Finish all the financials before she puts a wrench in your plans.

 

It sounds to me like you have a bright future but if she doesnt want to be married what's the point?

[Tom81]

That's why I'm getting things moving with separation agreement, so when I want to leave and if things are not reconciled or better between my wife and I, I will be able to move on and get a divorce.

 

It's just all sad and depressing that it's come to this point. But it really is her decision as she left me and moved out of the house.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Well like i said if she left, I dont think she's coming back. Why seperation why not straight divorce, let me guess, you gotta wait a whole damn year, right?

 

Or is it like 60 days?

 

I think your possibly doing the right thing. I mean your gonna enjoy your life, with or without her. this whole filing thing may cause her to re-evaluate your seperation altogether. She may make overtures in your direction, be clear in what you want.

[FeelingLonely98]

Well like i said if she left, I dont think she's coming back. Why seperation why not straight divorce, let me guess, you gotta wait a whole damn year, right?

 

Or is it like 60 days?

 

I think your possibly doing the right thing. I mean your gonna enjoy your life, with or without her. this whole filing thing may cause her to re-evaluate your seperation altogether. She may make overtures in your direction, be clear in what you want.

 

Thank you GOD that in FL there is no waiting period!!!!!!!!

[Gunny376]

I realize you love your wife and you want to reconcile ~ and that your sick over this mess.

 

But she walked out and you yourself have admitted that she's not the same person anymore.

 

It takes two to make it ~ but only one to break it.

 

People come and people go. You may not want them to? They may not want to, but none the less they do.

 

Your about to complete your education and move into a new job and career. You've got your whole life ahead of you.

 

You've got a job lined up ~ be thankful for that alone ~ only about 15 million (25 million if you count the ones working part time or are over educated and under-employed or have just quit even trying to find a job)

 

I bet if you were to call wherever you moving to and asked them if their was a shortage a woman? They would tell you no! (OK Alaska doesn't count )

 

In a lot of ways? You've been blessed in that this marriage has failed. The divorce rate for men that get married under the age of 25? 90%

 

I just found out that two "youngins" at work both barely out of high school (in deed one just graduated a couple of months ago) are getting married.

 

My mouth dropped when I heard this?

 

If there were ever in the history of the world two people that have no business getting married its these two.

 

I was just like them thirty years ago! (And know contrary to popular belief I did not fight at the Battle of Gettysburg)

 

Take your time, learn about who and what your about, (that's still to come) learn how to embrace being single and alone ~ standing on your own two feet. One of the worse things you can do is try and start a new job, career, relationship all at the same time. You've got a lot of stressful things on your plate right now. One of them? Separation / divorce is one the the second most stressful thing one can deal with in life.

 

You've got to deal with it, but one of the things (among others) is completing your education, getting through the move, getting settled in the job.

 

Understand the following concept well"

 

"You can play now and pay for the rest of your life? Or you can pay NOW, and play for the rest of your life!"

 

There are millions of people all over the World that got thrown under the bus by the current economic crisis. And let there be no doubt ~ its a crisis. Its bad and only going to get worse IMHO.

 

Now is the time for you to get out of debt to the fullest extent possible. Now is the time for you to down-size. Now is the time to dedicate a minimum of 10% of your net income toward building an emergency fund. With the ultimate goal of having a minimum of one years net income in the bank. That is to say you can go one year without a single dime coming in.

 

I could go on and on ~ but I won't except to say that although your hurting and in deep emotional pain ~ being the other side of being in a relationship has distinct advantages and opportunties.

 

Recognize and take advantage of them ~ I wished I had ~ but on both occassions they were presented to me? I wasted them on "re-bound" relationships?

 

I didn't after the second.

 

I've a low-mileage paid for running car ~ she's five years old with less than 25,000 miles on her. And paid for.

 

I'm retired military, and can meet the neccessities of Life off of my retirement.

 

I've the equivalent of one years income from my civilian job in the bank,

 

I've got anticiapated expenses saved and in the bank saved up.

 

~Auto repair $5000

 

~Annual insurance premiums (You get a cheaper rate if you pay annually rather than monthly)

 

~Annual insurance deductables

 

~ Property taxes

 

~ Furniture and appliance replacement and repiar ~ in the bank

 

I got pro-active rather than reactive! They're not seperate accounts but money I've put back in one account for specific things that I know are going to come down the road.

 

And one of those are "rommance" Because there's no rommance without finance ~ $5000. (And yes you have to bufdget to put back in what you take out!)

 

I would suggest you read Mary Hunt's "Debtproof Living" and Dave Ramsey's "Complete Money MakeOver:

[Tom81]

Well like i said if she left, I dont think she's coming back. Why seperation why not straight divorce, let me guess, you gotta wait a whole damn year, right?

 

Or is it like 60 days?

 

I think your possibly doing the right thing. I mean your gonna enjoy your life, with or without her. this whole filing thing may cause her to re-evaluate your seperation altogether. She may make overtures in your direction, be clear in what you want.

 

If I don't want to sue my wife on certain grounds (adultery, abandonment, cruelty, 2 more i can't remember) then I'd have to wait a year after filing a separation/settlement agreement. If things don't change between my wife and I (going to see if she would maybe try more counseling) then i'll probably get a seperation agreement in Feb. That way if I finish school and want to leave to get a job then I can sue my wife. I'd probably sue based on abandonment since she left me and moved out. I have, from what i can tell, a good lawyer and he isn't charging me much (we don't have many assets, kids, etc making it a difficult case).

 

I'm still hopeful since I love my wife dearly...but she just isn't the same person. Hell, I don't even know how we would begin to start living our lives together if she came back to me after being moved out for 4 months.

 

I don't know why my wife hasn't started the divorce process since it was her leaving me. I know she's broke because she quit her job, moved out (living with friend for free), and is going back to school. I'm paying for most of the house, bills, etc. (don't worry I'm keeping good records and the lawyer knows this). She told me a couple months back the reason she didn't start the divorce things is because of money. I just don't want it being July and wanting to move for a job after I graduate and have my wife still twiddling her thumbs on divorce. I love her and would reconcile and work on things, but I need to move on with my life with or without her. I'd rather it be with me, but i can't control what she thinks or does.

 

I'm scared, nervous, worried, and overwelmed by divorce. I don't want to be 30 and divorced. But I know that by July if things aren't better, I'm going to want to move on and not hope and hope and hope. I'm going to need to meet people, date, live my life and move on.

 

This went a little longer than expected...but these are the things that are running through my head right now. Thanks as always for listening and commenting...it helps a ton!