Wife left me, I still want her back...

[Chrome Barracuda]

I'd do that and pay for things, but then i'm if she divorces me then we'll split the house and i'll be left paying all the bills. That just doesn't seem right. I also don't want to be the one to serve her divorce papers...she's the one who left me and wants a divorce. I'm not doing it for her. I guess I could go NC, pay for things as I can and just live my life. It's just no contact is going to be so tough for me.

 

I'll think about it because it's what I'm thinking that I have to do for myself and maybe it'll help with our relationship.

 

Well it's a relatively young marriage right, the longer your in your gonna be paying the bills, but it wont last.

 

Second, you might just have to have her served. Just because she wants to divorce you doesnt mean she's actively doing it. but how long your gonna allow your emotions to be toyed with. Growing up did you have a strong conviction to stand up and do the right thing? You need to gain some clarity and some heart.

 

NC is neccessary for you to move on...

 

Your gonna like what wait a whole year to wait until she comes back. Dude if she's not coming back what's the whole point of you waiting and pining?

 

No Contact is for you to be strong? What's next, her getting pregnant by your former friend? I'm surprised you havent exposed and filed when she left, let her deal wit the fallout. Doesnt sound to me like she's coming back!

 

Time to move on.

[Tom81]

Well it's a relatively young marriage right, the longer your in your gonna be paying the bills, but it wont last.

 

Second, you might just have to have her served. Just because she wants to divorce you doesnt mean she's actively doing it. but how long your gonna allow your emotions to be toyed with. Growing up did you have a strong conviction to stand up and do the right thing? You need to gain some clarity and some heart.

 

NC is neccessary for you to move on...

 

Your gonna like what wait a whole year to wait until she comes back. Dude if she's not coming back what's the whole point of you waiting and pining?

 

No Contact is for you to be strong? What's next, her getting pregnant by your former friend? I'm surprised you havent exposed and filed when she left, let her deal wit the fallout. Doesnt sound to me like she's coming back!

 

Time to move on.

 

I'm finishing my last year of a phd program and i get a stipend and i have some loans so I'm ok. I will be finishing this summer and would like to make it until then before selling the house. I'm from a snowy area and would like to not sell the house during the winter and have to move, just to move again in a few months after i graduate. I also know, that with me living in the house it'll be my job to keep it really clean to sell it and to probably do a lot of the work selling the house. I'm really stressed with being at the end of my degree and this is something I don't need right now.

 

That's another reason I'm pissed at her...leaving me when I'm almost complete with my schooling. Right now I need her the most in my life. So that's why I don't really want to sell the house quite yet. But she's suggesting it since she's not living at the house anymore and she can't afford it. And her friend is letting her stay for free so I really feel like I'm getting dicked here.

[PWSX3]

This might not happen for you but when me & my former wife split the first time to try & make our marriage work, it took 7 months before she realized what she was missing & wanted to work on things.

 

Then after a year & her best friend dieing she decided she didn't want to do it anymore & she filed. Then after the divorce she came back saying she wishes she didn't do it but by then it was to late, "I" was finished then.....

[Tom81]

This might not happen for you but when me & my former wife split the first time to try & make our marriage work, it took 7 months before she realized what she was missing & wanted to work on things.

 

Then after a year & her best friend dieing she decided she didn't want to do it anymore & she filed. Then after the divorce she came back saying she wishes she didn't do it but by then it was to late, "I" was finished then.....

 

 

Yeah I've read stories of several months and a person coming back to their spouse. I'm less hopeful every day and it's been 3 months of separation already. I guess I'm just going to try the no contact and take it from there.

 

I'm also not looking forward to the impending holidays. New years is going to be rough. It was always our day when we got dressed up, when out for a nice meal, had some drinks at the bar...just us. It was the one day that was always ours and only ours. That one is going to hurt...luckily it's a time when there are a lot of parties so I should be able to find somewhere to party, get drunk, and forget. But I'm sure I'll still cry...that's going to be unavoidable.

[Penelope-love]

Tom,

 

Yeah I've read stories of several months and a person coming back to their spouse. I'm less hopeful every day and it's been 3 months of separation already.

I know that to you it's been three months already and this means it's been a long time. But three months is not long. Sure, some return that early, but some take more time--some take a few years. And I'm not merely referring to those in MLC or QLC, but walk-away spouses in general.

 

And you are being a beg-and-pleader right now so of course she's not going to change her mind while that is going on. Go back to my first post to you and find the pursuit and distance link.

 

I guess I'm just going to try the no contact and take it from there.

Trying presupposes failure. Choose to either do it or not do it. Choosing does not mean you will succeed; slips happen and you get back up and keep going.

 

 

It seems as though you are avoiding No Contacting because

1. WAH WAH I won't be good at it; I can't.
   
2. It won't make a difference since she is already not contacting you--you initiate the contacts.
   

Number two shows that you are considering No Contact as a manipulative tactic with expectations rather than as something for your personal mental and emotional health. The purpose right now is to help you. You want to help your marriage? Well you aren't and won't be doing that until you help yourself--helping your marriage is a byproduct of self-focus.

 

What concerns me is the lack of concern for detachment; everyone is advising No Contact with no mention of detaching. Both can help with the other: No Contact helps you to detach and Detaching can help you to accept and even desire No Contact. But detachment is so important. You are cycling emotionally and that is not healthy.

 

You don't have to go and file for divorce--people who say that you have to are thinking of what they would do and possibly of their own values and whether they would respect you. Who cares if they respect you! Who cares if I respect you! I hope you care more for your self-respect than for ours. Man-ing up and filing can be mutually exclusive.

 

You said you had contact yesterday and it didn't go well--since it...

Didn't go well...more of the same. Crying, disagreement, me trying to ask her for one more chance, her telling me why she is upset and wants to end things.

 

 

Had you read the posts to you before seeing her? Did you even consider taking some advice that was sort of No Contact--such as not discussing your relationship? She feels smothered! I try to make few guarantees, but given your behaviour I will say that the odds are against you if you continue in this manner.

• Stop initiating contact. You may not even need to go No Contact because maybe she will initiate a contact.
  
• No relationship discussions when you communicate.
  
• No discussing legal issues regarding separation and divorce--refer her to her lawyer and yes, you should also find a lawyer; that doesn't mean you want to or will file; but you need to know your rights and to protect yourself.
  

When you beg-and-plead you look desperate and weak. You look like a four-year-old hanging on to his Mommy's legs while she tries to leave him with the babysitter. I am not saying that is how I see you, but that is likely how your wife sees you. That does not make you an attractive mate. It makes the OM look great and can fuel the affair--and yes she is having an affair and she knows it--physical or not and it may be physical.

 

If you want to restore your marriage--in the future--what can you do now to work on your Self? Consider that. Make a list, set goals... I listed a few negations above. Make a positive list of what you can do rather than what you are to avoid.

[Penelope-love]

I forgot to address this...

 

...more of the same. ...her telling me why she is upset and wants to end things.

I've been where you are and so I get it. You are distraught and in panic mode. But what did your wife say...why is she upset, why does she want to end your marriage?

You haven't mentioned that here and it makes me wonder if you are dismissing it, you are so focused on your pain that you aren't really paying attention, or it's private and you may not think it is important information for a bunch of anonymous strangers.

 

Whether you fill us in or not, you do need to listen to her complaints--even when they seem absurd you need to listen. You don't have to agree, but you do need to listen. Validate her feelings--that does not mean you agree, but feelings are not about right and wrong; they simply are.

 

She likely has some absurd reasons for wanting to end your relationship. And she has some valid complaints too--I think you mentioned neglect. And now you are confused because by going No Contact you are not showing her that you can change the neglect issue. OH, that's a big one...that was my problem too. How do you change--since change takes practice and then show your changes when she wants nothing to do with you?

 

You are not in reconciliation, but you want to get there. Reconciliation is the time for relationship discussions. Begging and pleading is the negative opposite of neglect. When you have contact--that doesn't mean you have to initiate contact, wait--be responsive to her, listen to her and comment. Apologize for your former neglect, but avoid telling her how it will be different--since right now she is not going to let you practice and prove that, it is an empty promise. Show her in small increments now that when you do communicate you care about her concerns--which is more than merely caring about her. Focus on her rather than making all the communication about you--how you hurt, what you want, how you will or have changed. She needs to feel that you are listening to her, that you give importance to her concerns. Right now you are so wrapped in your love for your wife that you are losing sight of the woman behind the wife.

[imagine]

Hmm Penelope has to be careful to look at concepts around Divorce busters.

 

There are the 180 plan which is recommended at divorce busters. Then there is one similar to that which pretends to include a romantic association. And lastly there is the Plan A and Plan B of marriage builders. I believe that each method can be effective. Each one needs to have an ideal circumstance.

 

Your wife has left because she is neglected. This apparently is the number one reason for divorce. Her emotional needs have not been met. She has to know that she means something to you. An affair is definitely going to mess up further contact with you. Therefor you expose the affair to the proper folk once you have proof.

 

Posters here have taken me up the wrong way: You do not say that you love her, merely that she is worth fighting for. You announce this to your competition although she may already have maligned your name.

 

You have to decide what is more important. Your schooling or her. She is going to cost you. The emotional cost of your your education should have been discussed together before you took on your education.

 

A rule of thumb for future relationships is to engage in 15 hours/week quality time. As you engage her, that time will double. You have expressed yourself at the inopportunity of her disappearance, can you meet HER needs. Think this through!!

[imagine]

I want to absolutely agree with Penelope that you NEVER, EVER beg or plead.

 

Woman want to see a man that they can be proud of. Be that!

[Tom81]

I forgot to address this...

 

 

I've been where you are and so I get it. You are distraught and in panic mode. But what did your wife say...why is she upset, why does she want to end your marriage?

You haven't mentioned that here and it makes me wonder if you are dismissing it, you are so focused on your pain that you aren't really paying attention, or it's private and you may not think it is important information for a bunch of anonymous strangers.

 

Whether you fill us in or not, you do need to listen to her complaints--even when they seem absurd you need to listen. You don't have to agree, but you do need to listen. Validate her feelings--that does not mean you agree, but feelings are not about right and wrong; they simply are.

 

She likely has some absurd reasons for wanting to end your relationship. And she has some valid complaints too--I think you mentioned neglect. And now you are confused because by going No Contact you are not showing her that you can change the neglect issue. OH, that's a big one...that was my problem too. How do you change--since change takes practice and then show your changes when she wants nothing to do with you?

 

You are not in reconciliation, but you want to get there. Reconciliation is the time for relationship discussions. Begging and pleading is the negative opposite of neglect. When you have contact--that doesn't mean you have to initiate contact, wait--be responsive to her, listen to her and comment. Apologize for your former neglect, but avoid telling her how it will be different--since right now she is not going to let you practice and prove that, it is an empty promise. Show her in small increments now that when you do communicate you care about her concerns--which is more than merely caring about her. Focus on her rather than making all the communication about you--how you hurt, what you want, how you will or have changed. She needs to feel that you are listening to her, that you give importance to her concerns. Right now you are so wrapped in your love for your wife that you are losing sight of the woman behind the wife.

 

I am in panic mode...definitely. You'd think after her moving out for 3 months I wouldn't be in that mode as much, but I still am. Today was day 1 of NC...I've been good. I was really busy at work so that helped a lot. I will respond to her if she contacts me...but I won't be emailing or texting or trying to talk to her much. Because whenever I do it's mostly probably like you said...it sounds very needy and begging and how i want her back. I know it makes me look weak and how and why would she ever be attracted to that. I know I've read things but it's pretty hard to not communicate and tell her how I feel when I see her (which isn't often, maybe once a week or now) or when I text her. Plus, I've initiated any of the meetings with each other...it's never been her.

 

So I think I'm just going to follow some of your advice penelope...going to see how it goes. I have to say this forum is really good. A lot of people have given great suggestions and feedback and to know a lot of you are going or have gone through something similar makes me feel less alone.

[Penelope-love]

Tom,

 

I will respond to her if she contacts me...but I won't be emailing or texting or trying to talk to her much.

Good job with No Contact for a day! Now about responding when she contacts. Respond only if a contact warrants a response, otherwise do and say nothing. That is tough. My MLCer would respond to the OW--after a break-up--because it's rude not to call back. It was ruder to call back since he was with his wife! If she emails you to ask about stopping by to pick something up, send a quick response that is merely a schedule of when she can come over. If she says she is thinking about you; ignore it. If you must answer, say Thanks and nothing else.

 

...going to see how it goes.

 

I do not know how your wife will react to a sudden lack of contact. Some maintain the limited contact. But I want to warn and thus prepare you that some do the opposite. Now since you were concerned that No Contact wouldn't work because you had been initiating all contacts, you may be hoping for this sort of change. That's why this is a warning.

1. Sometimes the WAS [Walk-away spouse] becomes angry because they think you are not contacting so they will contact (and this is often true) and accuses of being manipulative.
   
2. Others panic, become angry because they want you at their beck-and-call; though they left, they thought you would always be there when they needed you.
   
3. Others who panic may seem to switch from distancing to pursuing when the fear they have or are losing you. This is dangerous because it gives you the message you want. But if you break the contact and become the pursuer again, they will become the distancer again. It is important to maintain a No Contact--or depending on the situation remain Dark.
   

No Contact is different for each person. In my situation it was an official boundary that my MLCer knew about; it was a rule and he was familiar with the phrase No Contact as well as the terms of the rule and its reasons. In my situation is was not about needing space to work on my Self--though that was an additional benefit--it was a rule used when he was choosing to be with the OW--he lived with her when he was not living at home. If he chose to have her in his life, he was choosing to not have me in his life.

 

Right now, that is not the nature of your No Contact. Be polite if she switches to a pursuer role, but also be wary. It may not happen anytime soon, or it may...work out a game plan for what to do if she changes her mind and wants to come home. Talk to the posters here and make a list. What needs to be done before she moves home and what does she need to agree to participate in after? What do you need to change and continue to work on once she is home--something that needs to be verbalized to her when she expresses a desire to work on your relationship. She will need to know that you recognize your mistakes and will work to change, and she needs to know that she herself has done serious damage and caused great pain and will also change.

Edited October 20, 2009 by Penelope-love

[floridapad]

Tom81,

 

Excellent advice here. LISTEN to Penelope. I did and it helped me tremendously, especially the part about detaching. NC is not about getting your wife back, it's about YOU detaching and it took me a while for that to sink in. Penelope kicked my tail and I listened to her and I am in a MUCh better place than I was before.

[Tom81]

So far today things have been ok. My wife asked to stop by the house (she told me that she'd always ask before doing so, to make sure I'm gone and that I knew she was at the house). All I texted back to her was "sure", when she asked if she could stop by the house.

 

I'm going to take things slow and do this no contact thing. You guys have been so helpful and I'm sure I'll still need your help. I'm sure I'll need your help during those moments when I want to contact her. I took her out of my quick dial on my phone so I can't quickly get a text to her. Just one way I'm trying to help myself stick to this no contact plan.

[seibert253]

Tom,

Each journey starts with a single step. You just took your first step. Bravo.

[Tom81]

My wife picked up a few things when she was here today. She knew we both had big days yesterday in our respective work/school. She said she'd call me tomorrow. I should stay away from any relationship talk and talk solely about our days and things like that. I'm just double checking...she asked to talk to me tomorrow. She knew I was having a rough day on sunday and probably just wants to check in. I didn't think I'd have to deal with a phone call so soon after starting my NC plan.

[JaneDoe35]

Tom, I think it is too soon to talk to her.

 

1. If she gives you more 'bad' news or negative talk about the relationship you will not be strong enough to handle it.

 

2. If she wants to talk about more positive things, I think that while that would be nice, you will also not be strong enough to handle that and you will jump back in too soon.

 

I believe it would be best to continue with the limited/no contact/detachment thing for a bit longer.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Just my opinion and of course I could be completely wrong!!!!

[Tom81]

Tom, I think it is too soon to talk to her.

 

1. If she gives you more 'bad' news or negative talk about the relationship you will not be strong enough to handle it.

 

2. If she wants to talk about more positive things, I think that while that would be nice, you will also not be strong enough to handle that and you will jump back in too soon.

 

I believe it would be best to continue with the limited/no contact/detachment thing for a bit longer.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Just my opinion and of course I could be completely wrong!!!!

 

Yeah, I'm going to stay no contact. I'm just going to chat for a few minutes on phone, "when she calls" and that'll be about it. No pleading, or begging...none of that stuff that I have been doing. I need to stick to the no contact.

[Penelope-love]

Tom,

 

I should stay away from any relationship talk and talk solely about our days and things like that. I'm just double checking...she asked to talk to me tomorrow. She knew I was having a rough day on sunday and probably just wants to check in. I didn't think I'd have to deal with a phone call so soon after starting my NC plan.

 

I'm going to stay no contact. I'm just going to chat for a few minutes on phone, "when she calls" and that'll be about it.

No Contact is a literal term. It means NO, ZERO. Dark is looser, it allows for communication such as you are describing. Dark is a No Contact alternative when you are in the same house or contact/communication is inevitable due to children.

 

Jane is right, you are not ready to converse with her about anything. That means no chatting if she calls, it means you do not answer the phone.

 

If she asks why you are avoiding her, you can choose not to answer, or text/email her a brief reply that you need space to figure things out. The first time I went No Contact it was at the advice of my counselor and it was a limited time for me to just have space away from the negative Monster energy--it was so bad that I'd had some freak accidents--chemical spill at work which resulted in a cold emergency shower, running to catch the bus and falling on my face on hard cement... On that NC I gave him a time limit...I think it was two weeks. As I recall, he did not follow it...and I ended it a little early when it was my birthday and he called.

 

But what I'm saying is that you can go strict NC, you can go Dark or you can go strict NC with a pre-scheduled time limit--which you can communicate to her if she asks. In my case he initiated the calls, so I told him at the start of the NC.

[Art_Critic]

In this case WTF would NC do for him ?

 

I'm an advocate of NC but for me NC is for moving on and removing the toxicity out of my life..

Filing for Divorce would just be nipping it in the bud and allow healing faster..

 

and by the way.. if you are selling the idea that he can get his wife back by using NC then I think you are mistaken..

[JaneDoe35]

I am more suggesting Limited Contact so that Tom can get stronger to deal with whatever comes his way. Separation or reconciliation. Tom is hoping to get his wife back, and while some will say this wont happen, you really just never know.

 

I know that it is highly unlikely that any of us that are still trying will get our spouses to return. But it is not impossible.

 

I have been LC for 5 days now (I know that does not seem like much) but I already feel more in control of my emotions. I feel like I have some power back. While I miss him so much I know that if I contact him it will hurt me. It always does. I am not doing LC to get him back. I am doing it to try and regain some sanity. And for me it is working.

 

I answer his calls when I feel I have to, like when he persists and keeps calling. And of course I make sure the phone is always answered at the time he calls our daughter.

 

I guess we all just do what it takes to survive.

[Tom81]

My wife called like she said she would at 5:30pm, but I was driving to a friends house tonight to watch the hockey game. So I didn't feel the phone buzz on the way so I didn't answer. I saw she called at like 9pm, but I was having fun, having some beers, and watching some hockey. She didn't leave a message...so I didn't call her back. I wasn't going to fret over it right then...I was having fun and it was good. I figure she should have left a voicemail or text if she "really" wanted to talk to me. Or she'd try calling back later, which she didn't do.

 

So I'm doing mostly no contact. Since we own a house and have bills, if she needs something from me or a response from me then I'll send a short reply. I'm only going to talk to her if she calls and if we talk it won't be about us, i'll just talk about my day, how was her day...stuff like that. Not going to get emotional...keep it short. This is day 3 and I'm going to plug away at it. It was a little hard today...but so far so good. The advice you guys are giving me is really helping me. It's really good to hear from people who have gone or who is going through similar situations.

[Steadfast]

My wife called like she said she would at 5:30pm, but I was driving to a friends house tonight to watch the hockey game. So I didn't feel the phone buzz on the way so I didn't answer. I saw she called at like 9pm, but I was having fun, having some beers, and watching some hockey. She didn't leave a message...so I didn't call her back. I wasn't going to fret over it right then...I was having fun and it was good. I figure she should have left a voicemail or text if she "really" wanted to talk to me. Or she'd try calling back later, which she didn't do.

 

So I'm doing mostly no contact. Since we own a house and have bills, if she needs something from me or a response from me then I'll send a short reply. I'm only going to talk to her if she calls and if we talk it won't be about us, i'll just talk about my day, how was her day...stuff like that. Not going to get emotional...keep it short. This is day 3 and I'm going to plug away at it. It was a little hard today...but so far so good. The advice you guys are giving me is really helping me. It's really good to hear from people who have gone or who is going through similar situations.

 

I'm proud of you Tom. Really. I know how hard it is and you seem to be getting it. But; keep it real. Be real...really honest, really kind, really caring and most important, really strong. Eat, sleep and be positive.

 

Remember this one fact: she won't respect you if you don't respect yourself. When we beg, plead and initiate contact we are essentially giving away all of our power and self-respect. No woman wants or respects a needy man; especially a wayward wife, who is already looking for more things to back her reasoning. See how NC/LC gets you OUT of that trap?

 

It won't be easy and you've got a lot ahead of you, but you're going to make it Tom! There's light at the end of the tunnel. Keep moving in that direction-

[CLC2008]

I tend to agree with Art. Didn't you mention that you neglected your wife during your marriage, and if so, aren't you doing the same thing now?

 

You haven't mentioned how you thought you may have "neglected" your wife, but if you feel you did or if she felt you did, then I think that's an important piece to reflect on. I think it would give YOURSELF better insight and understanding.

 

Were there times when she came to you with things during your marriage, that you dismissed or ignored? Were you demanding or critical towards her? These are are all things that can make another person shut down emotionally.

 

Ignoring her now will either bring her closer to you or could very well sever the cord completely. There's no easy answer here, everyone's relationship is different so you have to do what you think is best at this point.

[Tom81]

On the neglect issue...yes I agree with my wife on that fault. I should have been there for her more and spent more time with her. Now...it's not like we never did things together or spent time together. I would call our lives kind of plain at the moment...no exciting trips, no fancy dinners, nothing to excite things or keep things new. I know those things are needed...but I think they help. I think each of our ideas of fun changed a bit as we went along with the marriage. My wife liked to go out a lot...happy hours, bars, and meet up with a lot of people. Me, I'd like to stay in and would have liked to do more things at home.

 

So I ended up watching movies, playing games, on the computer probably more than I should have been. My wife went out and did what she wanted and my neglect is what drove her probably to the EA. I know I'm at fault but so is she. I look back and I know we should of gotten help from a counselor probably a couple years ago.

 

Another one of her issues with me is the fact that she feels like she is a mom sometimes to me. Now, I may have posted it earlier, but her profession, her personality, the way she is as a person screams a care taker...needs and is drawn to helping and taking care of people. If someone is sick at a party or needs a DD, she is the person. She felt at times that I couldn't take care of myself...which isn't true. I always thought she'd be a great mom based on these qualities...but having kids was not for her.

 

My wife also got the impression that she was the one working and working and working for our household. She made the most money and it felt to her that I was draining her financially and emotionally. Now, I didn't make as much as her...but I always did more around the house. The house wasn't a mess due to me constantly keeping it in shape. I also always did all the outside work and many other things. So I always felt I contributed...maybe not as much financially, but in other ways.

 

Hope this helps with some of the reasons that my wife is wanting separation/divorce from me. Personally, I think they are issues that are definitely ones that can be worked on and are not a reason for divorce. But of course she doesn't see it that way.

[confused71]

My wife also got the impression that she was the one working and working and working for our household. She made the most money and it felt to her that I was draining her financially and emotionally. Now, I didn't make as much as her...but I always did more around the house. The house wasn't a mess due to me constantly keeping it in shape. I also always did all the outside work and many other things. So I always felt I contributed...maybe not as much financially, but in other ways.

 

 

This was the exact same as my situation.My ex earned nearly double my salary and mostly made lots of crazy money decisions like buying too expensive cars.

I too worked every day and then came home and cooked and cleaned and also looked after her kids 70% of the time.

But she too thought I wasnt pulling my weight financially and used to say I should work 2 jobs.Even though her work schedule was all over the place and I had to look after the kids when she was at work.

 

Dont blame yourself my friend .It seems like nowadays a lot of selfish women wont put up with a husband earning less than them.

[Gunny376]

"She's said she doesn't want to share her life with me anymore"

 

She's told you all that you need to know!

 

You can stick around? And be a glutton for punishment?

 

But were it me?

 

I'd be moving it on down the line!

 

Take a 'Fools Advice" and from someone who's been there and done that!

 

"See Ya! Wouldn't Want To Be Ya?" would be what I would tell her.