Affair moved marriage forward.

[JumpinJimmy]

To address JJ's thoughts --- I know the guy I had an affair with wasn't in it for the sex. For the 2 years we dated, we had sex (intercourse) 3 times. And none of those 3 times lasted longer than 2 minutes. He had -- er -- getting it up issues. I know he wasn't in it for the sex. Nope. He liked having a much younger woman thinking he hung the stars and moon. He liked how I fussed over him, took care of him, etc. It wasn't about sex at all.

There are always exceptions to everything . I do not speak in absolutes..ever...ha ha get it, absolutes..ever... moving along now, I addressed the motivator for your man as well.

Also, I didn't mention the thrill of the chase is a huge motivator for men, but I didn't want to hijack her thread. Some other time...

and as for the fussing over him etc...your AP was a male? Just checking, as most men I know don't really care much over fussing and attention.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I don't understand anything? Are you kidding? That is laughable, but I should have expected that from you.

If it wasn't about him being horny, what was it about? Not intimacy from an affair partner - he basically stated that he was just looking for sex, not for an emotional entanglement.

Exactly how am I projecting? Because I am not saying his wife is a deceitful liar like you keep implying? Because I am not saying shame on his wife for not putting out at his demand like you are saying? Because I am not saying dumb the woman because she isn't fulfilling part of her wifely duties? Please....

Stand beside her and wait????? are we reading the same posts? He went out and had an affair to get his needs met because he was tired of his hand. He hasn't stood beside her IMHO.

 

Yes, you don't understand. Your just arguing based on emotion... rational thought has left the building.

 

Are you able to understand how OP feels?

 

Besides, who are you to throw stones about his cheating? That makes no sense. You should be sympathetic to where he is coming from.

 

Great post. I agree. Its very offensive to read post from people who would put their sexual needs over the emotional needs over another. No sex does not equal no love. Good grief.

The OP has said that he is signing himself up for therapy. I think he is going to be very surprised with what unfolds. I agree with him that marital counselling is not needed at this time, but IC for both of them. And not to the end of getting him sex. Another, good grief. The point of therapy is so that SHE becomes more comfortable in her own skin having experienced what she experienced. Not so that he gets more sex.

I am ever so grateful that my H has been more inclined to respect my emotional needs than to demand that I "get over it" already. I am no shrinking violet. He would have heard from my lawyer before he could say "I'm sorry".

There are so many facts missing from this story. Not that I fault the OP for that, he's writing from his perspective. His W could very well be at the end of her rope of dealing with an angry man that thinks a woman wants to have sex with an angry guy. I don't know about you, but I don't want to have sex with a man that I know is angry and hostile towards me.

 

I don't believe that in a relationship, you have the luxury to be selfish. You can't say "my needs are more important than yours."

 

There have been about 10 other posters who have said sex IS an emotional need. You think we are all just dumb?

 

So, when you have someone who decides that their needs are tantamount... and your are unimportant, how do you deal with that impasse? That is what this whole thread is about. How does he find a way to deal with his wife's refusal to get help?

[Snowflower]

Y

 

I don't believe that in a relationship, you have the luxury to be selfish. You can't say "my needs are more important than yours."

 

There have been about 10 other posters who have said sex IS an emotional need. You think we are all just dumb?

 

So, when you have someone who decides that their needs are tantamount... and your are unimportant, how do you deal with that impasse? That is what this whole thread is about. How does he find a way to deal with his wife's refusal to get help?

 

I agree with this...and this is why so many marriages fail-it is selfishness, whether it results in infidelity or not.

 

As for the OPs wife, I don't think it was been explained clearly whether she refused to get help, gave up on therapy, found it too painful or whatever. The point is, for whatever reason...neither the OP or his wife can resolve the issue.

 

So where does this leave the OP in this situation? Where does it leave his wife?

 

The OP had an affair, which he readily admits was a bad decision. I hope he doesn't repeat this decision because it will not solve anything within the marriage and will lead to nothing good.