Affair moved marriage forward.

[2sure]

Every marriage has "trappings" and circumstance to various degrees.

All cheaters have justifications in direct proportion to those circumstances.

 

So, dont tell her. Why all the words? Its no surprise you feel your particular affair was enjoyable to you. It IS a bit much to feel that you have to tell someone, anyone...that you did your wife and marriage a service by cheating. But again, not that unusual.

 

Revelation: People who cheat think its a fabulous idea and well justified too - until they get caught. But you wont.

[eeyore1981]

Many times the things that happen to you in life are not in your control. You do control how you respond to it. She lied to him about the problem to begin with. Then once she destroys his sex life... she refuses to put forth any effort to make things better.

 

I've been through one of these relationships before... and I would rather die than be trapped in one the rest of my life. Does that compute?

 

I think because your viewing things through your distorted lens... you fail to see what other people need.

 

I got smacked around pretty good as a kid, and I had serious anger management issues in my teens... but after alot of effort... I'm better than most! I don't break things... I don't punch people... I don't say things to hurt people anymore.

 

Yeah, we've all got issues... get over it.

 

Try getting raped, then say it is the same thing.

 

I was sexually abused as a child. I was emotionally, verbally, and physically abused as a teen. I'll take EVP over S any day of the week. Way, way easier to "get over".

[riley707]

Ok, I'm listening. Always love another perspective.

 

You said:

 

"IMO, if you take away all the trappings of your situation, what you are left with is you chose having sex over your wife and children. You were lucky enough to not get caught, but that doesn't change what you did and why you did it. "

 

I didn't chose to marry someone who was going to lie to me about her past. I didn't chose, a sexless marriage on purpose. And yet, the choice to have an A...that was also my own doing, something I should of had more control over? I chose to have an A with someone who I had no chance of having an emotional connection with, hoping that I could swing it around and come home and remove that "desire" from my life and learn to appreciate what I had....which is now a stronger emotional connection with my wife.

 

So basically its ok for others to make life decisions for you that will effect the rest of your life without asking you first, but its not ok for an individual to make the same type of decision for himself and not ask other's permission first?

 

That makes no sense to me at all.

[Devil Inside]

Right now your doing Ok, because you just ended the affair. Wait until it's been 3 years of abstinence. It's going to start driving you crazy again... and you will suffer as a husband and a father.

 

I agree... you should not be looking to re-offend. However, that doesn't mean you just sit back and do nothing. You need to go to war for this! Your wife needs to know this could be a dealbreaker... and that she needs to get her a$$ into therapy stat! Fix it!

 

Hey Riley...welcome.

 

I see what UF saying above as the most salient issue right now. Think about it man...because maybe that taste is just going to lead to more cravings..and as great as hobbies and family time are...you yourself said that people just need that kind of affection...so don't let it get swept under the rug. I should know.

 

As for whether you tell your W or not...well everyone has their opinion...so what you think is right for all involved..and their your people...so only you would know that.

 

Good luck my man..I will be interested to see how you contribute here.

[Snowflower]

riley, you will not be able to convince many here that what you did was right.

 

There is absolutely no justification for cheating, none.

 

If you were that unhappy with your wife/marriage you should have just divorced her and found a more suitable mate. Divorce is always the best answer when you are unhappy in your marriage...better than cheating.

 

Okay, so I'm being a bit sarcastic.

 

I can see your point though, to some extent. Do you have a sexual relationship with your wife now, since your A?

[mourningMM]

This post may have uncovered the crux of the matter...your affair was the result of more than just pent up sex drive (not that THAT isn't enough).

 

You are angry at a loss of control. It is a valid anger, and if not expressed and addressed it will fester.

 

Even if she is not prepared to address the issues of her past; the two of you should probably address the issues of the present. In a safe place, in a respectful way, you should share your frustration and the feelings of betrayal that were in the last message with your wife. And she should understand that the intimicy of sex is integral to a healthy relationship...maybe there are alternative approaches that the two of you can use to repair the relationship.

 

I wish you luck.

[eeyore1981]

Ok, I'm listening. Always love another perspective.

 

You said:

 

"IMO, if you take away all the trappings of your situation, what you are left with is you chose having sex over your wife and children. You were lucky enough to not get caught, but that doesn't change what you did and why you did it. "

 

I didn't chose to marry someone who was going to lie to me about her past. I didn't chose, a sexless marriage on purpose. And yet, the choice to have an A...that was also my own doing, something I should of had more control over? I chose to have an A with someone who I had no chance of having an emotional connection with, hoping that I could swing it around and come home and remove that "desire" from my life and learn to appreciate what I had....which is now a stronger emotional connection with my wife.

 

So basically its ok for others to make life decisions for you that will effect the rest of your life without asking you first, but its not ok for an individual to make the same type of decision for himself and not ask other's permission first?

 

That makes no sense to me at all.

 

Just look at what you have bolded. When referring to her, she has made life decisions for you. When referring to yourself, you made the decision for yourself.

IMO you are in major denial.

 

Do you think she went into this relationship with you thinking, "Aha, I was sexually abused, and that means I am never going to have sex with him after we get married, and he probably won't like that, so I am going to trick him by lying and deceiving him."?

 

You make it sound like withholding information from the past about a very traumatic thing, sexual abuse, is worse than purposefully betraying your spouse and cheating.

 

That makes no sense to me.

 

Being miserable in a sexless marriage is understandable. Deceiving and betraying your wife to go have sex is not.

 

I hope you used protection.

[Karmababe]

How long have you been married Riley? And was this your first indiscretion?

[riley707]

Snowflower:

 

My original intent to posting this was to help draw out the question inside of me that I couldn't put my finger on. You have just done that for me.

 

I am not looking to justify what I did. It was wrong. But deep inside, I have a conflict yet unresolved.

 

Before the A, I had called around to some lawyers and started asking questions. I had said to myself, "...I can't last. I have to go."

 

So which is worse? Being honest and having a divorce, continuing the trend and putting my family through some tough times ( my children did nothing to inherit this)....or having an A and hoping to see quickly that the grass is not greener on the other side.

 

I can't think a divorce is better than a short term A that ends up helping a marriage. This is the internal stuggle I am dealing with. Just didn't know how to boil it down.

 

Thank you!

[NowhereToHide]

Ok, I'm listening. Always love another perspective.

 

You said:

 

"IMO, if you take away all the trappings of your situation, what you are left with is you chose having sex over your wife and children. You were lucky enough to not get caught, but that doesn't change what you did and why you did it. "

 

I didn't chose to marry someone who was going to lie to me about her past. I didn't chose, a sexless marriage on purpose. And yet, the choice to have an A...that was also my own doing, something I should of had more control over? I chose to have an A with someone who I had no chance of having an emotional connection with, hoping that I could swing it around and come home and remove that "desire" from my life and learn to appreciate what I had....which is now a stronger emotional connection with my wife.

 

So basically its ok for others to make life decisions for you that will effect the rest of your life without asking you first, but its not ok for an individual to make the same type of decision for himself and not ask other's permission first?

 

That makes no sense to me at all.

 

 

I think you are getting the reactions you have been getting because you aren't expressing any remorse over going outside your marriage for sex. It seems to me that there are a lot of underlying reasons for your cheating and NOT just lack of sex in your marriage.

 

It's pretty obvious that you're VERY angry at her... which is probably why you are having difficulty feeling any remorse over what you've done (which in my opinion, if you love and respect your wife as much as you say, you SHOULD be feeling remorse, regardless if you think it "helped" things). You feel you were deceived so you feel justified in going elsewhere for sex.

 

I don't agree with the people here that are saying that divorce would have been your answer. I understand more than you know why you wouldn't want to break up your family (and why you wouldn't want your wife to know what you did).

 

But I do believe that there is something to be said for exhausting all of your options. I think you're getting good advice here, and you do need to be aware that your recent affair is only going to temporarily solve your problem.

 

I hope you can come up with some solutions that might end up helping you AND your wife next time.

[eyeswide]

Hopefully, to improve your marriage even further your wife will find herself someome whom she feels sexually comfortable with.

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

Wait, why am I laughing? That's what my husband did to me!! But you know what, I am laughing -- at my own ignorance and stupidity.

 

Thank god I'm married to an amazing man who forgives me and sees that my behavior was really no justification for what he did either and regrets the pain he caused me and will never do it again, just as I will never do it again. And, miraculously, our marriage does seem to be better than ever.

 

But it SURE as heck isn't as a result of my having had an affair and kept it a secret for so long.

[Snowflower]

Snowflower:

 

My original intent to posting this was to help draw out the question inside of me that I couldn't put my finger on. You have just done that for me.

 

I am not looking to justify what I did. It was wrong. But deep inside, I have a conflict yet unresolved.

 

Before the A, I had called around to some lawyers and started asking questions. I had said to myself, "...I can't last. I have to go."

 

So which is worse? Being honest and having a divorce, continuing the trend and putting my family through some tough times ( my children did nothing to inherit this)....or having an A and hoping to see quickly that the grass is not greener on the other side.

 

I can't think a divorce is better than a short term A that ends up helping a marriage. This is the internal stuggle I am dealing with. Just didn't know how to boil it down.

 

Thank you!

 

Honestly, I was just being a little sarcastic!

 

I don't think divorce is always necessarily the right answer when a marriage is in trouble. In a funny way, I agree with you to some extent.

 

My own experience is similar in some ways to what has happened in your marriage...maybe that is why I can agree to some extent, BTDT...although it was from the other side of the fence-as a BS.

 

I do worry though...unless you really figure out why you had your affair-it really was more than just for the sex for you...that you will be doomed to repeat your decision to have another A and maybe the outcome won't be the same the next time-you might suffer some unforeseen circumstances.

[HisSweetThing]

Did I hit a nerve?

 

I don't "see everything in black and white." I just call bs when I see it.

 

What do I see in this thread? I see a married guy going for a long time with little to no sex in his marriage. I see that guy choosing to make sex the most important thing in his life, then using that choice as justification to go out and have sex with another woman behind his wife's back. I then see same guy stating in black and white his doing this was to break the cycle of abuse and destruction, and continuing on with the lie as, paraphrasing by me, doing his wife a favor.

 

He says his wife was sexually abused, and he didn't find out about it until 7 years in, so he was misled, and she won't 'fix it'. Until you have been through this, you can't imagine what it is like, no matter how hard you try. Sometimes the reliving it can be worse than the original living it. Yet, hey, he can be so fixated on sex he goes out and has it with someone else for however long, he saw no reason to crawl into his own head and figure out why that was the most important thing to him, but he expects his wife to face all these massive demons she did not choose to bring upon herself.

 

If this was so right and justified, it should not have been that big of a deal to go to his wife, pre-A, and tell her what he planned to do. The fact he did all this behind her back pretty much says it all.

 

I don't remember him saying that sex was the most important thing in his life, but let's not kid ourselves - sex is an important part of life. Anyone who doesn't think that sex is important has probably never experienced how wonderful a sexual relationship can be. When you are not able to have a sexual relationship with the person you are married to, you do become a little fixated on that area of the relationship. There is nothing wrong with wanting a fulfilling sex life. I don't feel that he was blaming his wife for anything. He obviously loves his wife very much. He seems very compassionate towards her. He didn't want to push her into anything that she wasn't ready for. Yes, he chose to go outside the marriage for sex. I am not saying whether that was right or wrong, or justifiable or unjustifiable. I am saying it is understandable. It is also understandable that he kept this to himself. Why would he tell his wife something that would hurt her and possibly destroy whatever chances she has of getting help and getting better? He could have chosen to leave her. He could have told her why he was leaving her. What would that have done to help her view of sex? He is dealing with a very delicate situation here. I believe that he is/was doing the best he could for both himself and for her. How does anyone really know what they would do in that situation?

[2sure]

Bending reality in the name of your marriage/spouse and expecting a handshake because you were clever enough to do so....oh, wait we did a Martyr Thread didnt we?

 

The OP has serious issues and wife has even bigger issues. I feel bad for them both, I'm glad he is here and feel all can learn something from his presence.

 

But lets call it what it is.

 

If you spank a child not to teach him something but to make yourself feel better or to release your impulse...there is an issue to be addressed. Whether spanking is right or wrong is not the issue, What the kid did to deserve it is not the issue....

[Untouchable_Fire]

Try getting raped, then say it is the same thing.

I was sexually abused as a child. I was emotionally, verbally, and physically abused as a teen. I'll take EVP over S any day of the week. Way, way easier to "get over".

 

I don't know what that is like, and I can only guess what it does to a person. But if they don't put any effort into it... nothing will ever improve.

 

Bottom line... Do you think it's fair to ask the rest of the world to suffer because of it?

[eeyore1981]

I don't remember him saying that sex was the most important thing in his life, but let's not kid ourselves - sex is an important part of life. Anyone who doesn't think that sex is important has probably never experienced how wonderful a sexual relationship can be. When you are not able to have a sexual relationship with the person you are married to, you do become a little fixated on that area of the relationship. There is nothing wrong with wanting a fulfilling sex life. I don't feel that he was blaming his wife for anything. He obviously loves his wife very much. He seems very compassionate towards her. He didn't want to push her into anything that she wasn't ready for. Yes, he chose to go outside the marriage for sex. I am not saying whether that was right or wrong, or justifiable or unjustifiable. I am saying it is understandable. It is also understandable that he kept this to himself. Why would he tell his wife something that would hurt her and possibly destroy whatever chances she has of getting help and getting better? He could have chosen to leave her. He could have told her why he was leaving her. What would that have done to help her view of sex? He is dealing with a very delicate situation here. I believe that he is/was doing the best he could for both himself and for her. How does anyone really know what they would do in that situation?

 

BBM

Why would he DO something that would hurt her and etc. etc.???????????

 

I read a post about a married man who went behind his wife's back to have sex with another woman. I interpret that to mean he cares more about himself and getting his rocks off than he does his wife.

 

Your interpretation is he loves his wife very much and sex is not the most important thing to him.

 

I guess we read different posts.

[eeyore1981]

I don't know what that is like, and I can only guess what it does to a person. But if they don't put any effort into it... nothing will ever improve.

 

Bottom line... Do you think it's fair to ask the rest of the world to suffer because of it?

 

Really, I wasn't aware the rest of the world was suffering because this woman was sexually abused as a child and hasn't gotten over it. I'm certainly not suffering?

 

She has apparently gone to counseling to try and address it, just because she pulls out when it gets scary does not mean she hasn't put any effort into it.

 

Do you think it is fair a man abused a child because he felt entitled to sex, no matter the cost, then years later when this child has become a woman, she gives her trust to another man, bears him at least one child, which seems to have triggered the past sexual abuse, and is again victimized by a man because he felt entitled to sex, no matter the cost?

 

Do you think husbands are entitled to sex whenever they want it? Do you feel it is a wife's duty to provide sex on demand? If so, what exactly is the husband's duty? Apparently you don't feel it is to honor his vows and remain faithful.

[Lizzie60]

I have not read the whole thread.. just the first page.. and I have to agree with you Riley.. in SOME cases (many actually) it can help the M. I've read it from therapists... it's been talked on the radio (open lines)... and yes... it's not common.. but it does happen..

 

I think, for a lot of men.. having an affair is the only way they see possible to make their family (wife and kids) happy... by being happy themselves... (I'm talking about a sexless M)...

 

So yes.. good for you..

[Untouchable_Fire]

Really, I wasn't aware the rest of the world was suffering because this woman was sexually abused as a child and hasn't gotten over it. I'm certainly not suffering?

 

Good point. It isn't the world that's suffer... it's just her family. Or... the people she is supposed to love.

 

She has apparently gone to counseling to try and address it, just because she pulls out when it gets scary does not mean she hasn't put any effort into it.

 

If I read it correctly she only went under extreme duress, walked out and has not gone back.

 

Do you think it is fair a man abused a child because he felt entitled to sex, no matter the cost, then years later when this child has become a woman, she gives her trust to another man, bears him at least one child, which seems to have triggered the past sexual abuse, and is again victimized by a man because he felt entitled to sex, no matter the cost?

 

There are times when you are made a victim, and there are times when you choose to be a victim. At this point in life you should know the difference.

 

Do you think husbands are entitled to sex whenever they want it? Do you feel it is a wife's duty to provide sex on demand? If so, what exactly is the husband's duty? Apparently you don't feel it is to honor his vows and remain faithful.

 

What do you think it means "to have and to hold", sex is just as much a part of your vows as being faithful. Why do you think it's Ok to break one part of the vow and not another?

 

Besides... what is the On Demand crap. We are talking about a guy who wants sex a couple times a week. How does that translate in your head to 'On Demand'? It's not even close.

[tami-chan]

I don't think that this applies in this case. She didn't ask to get abused. And marriages become sexless for far more other reasons than just sexual abuse. Her not realizing how the abuse could affect her relationships' date=' even the raising of her children is not her fault. [b']But the sex in their relationship could have dried up for many reasons[/b].

 

You are right....there could be a number of reasons why the sex part (and I think he mentioned "intimacy" somewhere) is gone...but I am only limited to what he is presenting or sharing with us.

 

Suppose she hadn't been abused sexually, and he just mistreated her and she didn't want to have sex with him because of issues in their marriage?

 

We can create different scenarios in our minds....but that's not what the OP shared...so I don't really know how this is relevant.

 

He would have the same feelings, but his own actions would have played into it as well. Not to mention, you are including the cheating in that statement and I don't know of any woman that would be motivated to change after having something like that thrown into their faces.

 

I don't know if he would have the same feelings or not. I don't know the man. Like I said, all I know is what he has shared and I am responding to that.

 

Cheating is as much a choice even if it might have an underlying reason.

 

Absolutely. Just as withholding pertinent, potentially damning info of one's past is.

 

I am always saddened to hear about other survivors that are having a hard time at living as sexual creatures, and the saints that decide to stick it out with them.[/QUOTE]

 

I agree. Sadly, many of us are not saints.

[eeyore1981]

Good point. It isn't the world that's suffer... it's just her family. Or... the people she is supposed to love.

 

 

 

If I read it correctly she only went under extreme duress, walked out and has not gone back..

 

You did not read correctly. Poster states she went 3 times, and I looked back, nothing about under duress, extreme or otherwise. So again, the question was, how is that 'no effort'? Poster even states somewhere HE would not want to have sex if he was thinking about being abused during the process. Why isn't he going to therapy to figure out why he is so fixated on having sex he cheats instead of being supportive and caring of the woman he claims to love when she has been through such trauma? Why is he only thinking of himself?

 

 

 

There are times when you are made a victim, and there are times when you choose to be a victim. At this point in life you should know the difference..

 

And so should you. If you had read this thread you would have seen the part where poster says things changed after the birth of their first child. Poor guy, I can see how his lack of sex trumps her sexual abuse flashbacks. NOT. If anyone is choosing victimhood, it is people who think what they want is the most important thing on the planet, and therefore they are entitled to any kind of abhorrent behavior to get it.

 

What do you think it means "to have and to hold", sex is just as much a part of your vows as being faithful. Why do you think it's Ok to break one part of the vow and not another?

 

Besides... what is the On Demand crap. We are talking about a guy who wants sex a couple times a week. How does that translate in your head to 'On Demand'? It's not even close.

 

Again you evade. To have and to hold, to me, means to be together. Can it mean sex? Sure, but it doesn't say one person has to always want sex when the other one does, and it doesn't say one person has to have sex against their will. What about 'for better or worse', 'in sickness and in health', 'to love and to cherish'? That's 3 vows broken.

 

On demand, well, he keeps demanding sex, he isn't getting it, so he got it somewhere else, that's the on demand crap.

 

Still waiting for ANSWERS to my questions.

[tami-chan]

IMO, if you take away all the trappings of your situation, what you are left with is you chose having sex over your wife and children. You were lucky enough to not get caught, but that doesn't change what you did and why you did it.

 

No, he didnt do that...he chose to have sex with another woman while he provides all other needs for his wife (minus the sex-she apparently does not need nor desire it, anyway) and children. He did not chose sex OVER his wife-if that were true he would have left her.

[Fallen Angel]

I agree with NoWhereToHide, that the OP has a lot of anger towards his wife. It is understandable, as the marriage is not what he thought he was getting himself into, and his dreams of what he thought it would be seem to have been shattered.

 

But, I also feel that he is not doing all the work necessary to attempt to make it better, BEFORE deciding that an affair or divorce are valid options.

 

It doesn't seem as though the OP has just sat down and gotten completely honest with her about his feelings. I think it he would be perfectly within his rights to say to her "I feel jipped, and I am thinking that I may want out if things don't change."

 

I think the OP does llove his wife and wants things to get better..

 

but OP? You have to be willing to put in some of the hard work too.

 

That is just my opinion.

[Untouchable_Fire]

You did not read correctly. Poster states she went 3 times, and I looked back, nothing about under duress, extreme or otherwise. So again, the question was, how is that 'no effort'? Poster even states somewhere HE would not want to have sex if he was thinking about being abused during the process. Why isn't he going to therapy to figure out why he is so fixated on having sex he cheats instead of being supportive and caring of the woman he claims to love when she has been through such trauma? Why is he only thinking of himself?

 

I thought he said in another thread that she went because they were constantly fighting about not having sex.

 

Either way... she stopped each time. What does that mean to you?

 

To me that says she doesn't care enough to work at it. This has been an issue for them for YEARS...

 

And so should you. If you had read this thread you would have seen the part where poster says things changed after the birth of their first child. Poor guy, I can see how his lack of sex trumps her sexual abuse flashbacks. NOT. If anyone is choosing victimhood, it is people who think what they want is the most important thing on the planet, and therefore they are entitled to any kind of abhorrent behavior to get it.

 

So you think it's Ok to just shut him down sexually for the rest of his life? He has no right to ask for more?

 

Again you evade. To have and to hold, to me, means to be together. Can it mean sex? Sure, but it doesn't say one person has to always want sex when the other one does, and it doesn't say one person has to have sex against their will. What about 'for better or worse', 'in sickness and in health', 'to love and to cherish'? That's 3 vows broken.

On demand, well, he keeps demanding sex, he isn't getting it, so he got it somewhere else, that's the on demand crap.

Still waiting for ANSWERS to my questions.

 

I agree on both accounts. She doesn't have to have sex whenever he wants, or against her will. But it also doesn't mean she gets to withhold sex for years on end.

 

He has a right to expect a sexual relationship with his wife.

 

If you have a serious question, PM me and I will answer it.

[ufo8mycat]

Either way... she stopped each time. What does that mean to you?

 

To me that says she doesn't care enough to work at it. This has been an issue for them for YEARS...

 

 

I just want to to touch on this one point as perhaps it comes across as more unempathetic than may be intended.

 

Sometimes caring enough isn't enough. You can care about someone more than anything in the world and it isn't a matter of won't its a matter of can't.

 

Its a little difficult to describe how sexual assult can devastate your life and relationships forever. Sure, there is therapy and you can work out and some excellent drugs for what is often diagnosed as a post traumatic stress disorder.

 

Technically she may not care enough to work on it. But this isn't normal work. Its grueling, its debilitating and you can come out a hell of a lot worse than when you started. The brain can compartmentalise traumatic events brilliantly for a reason.

 

Your posts indicate that she should just get over it. Many victims of sexual assult never get over it. Ever. There isn't a cure that stops you feel revolting in your own skin or that quells the crawling, sickening feeling when someone touches you in a sexual manner.

 

This relationship has lots of issues and they may not be resolveable. But an affair is a tragedy for the OP's wife considering her history of abuse. She is probably right in not trusting men.