Peanut9330 Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 That may apply if the child lives with your partner or is around all the time, but my bf's kids live a couple of hundred miles away and I have neither the time nor the inclination to trek out to their little backwater town and take them to see boring cartoons at the cinema. I know I wasn’t saying anything against you this is just how I feel. I just feel that its wrong for some ppl to hate the kids for no reason. You don’t have to necessarily love them but care for them to some extent. Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 I don't hate them, I just feel indifferent towards them, like they're not my responsibility and I have other priorities. I don't really have time for kids, I find them to be a bit of a pain... usually I don't date guys with kids, but I dated my bf for several weeks before I even found out he had kids, so I agreed to continue on the basis that I didn't have to be involved with them. He could have ended the relationship right there by saying "No thanks, I want someone who'll be involved with my kids", but he didn't... I don't think it really bothers him. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 I asked him about that very early on, about what would happen with our relationship if his kids had to live with him, and he said "my kids will never live with me". We'll never move to their small town, and they're unlikely to move to the city. If they did happen to move closer, I wouldn't be seeing a whole lot more of them, because our relationship would be over - I can't be doing with children. He knows this because I laid it out right at the beginning, but we don't talk about it because it's not going to happen. I don't think it's likely that he'll dump me for another girl who will accept his kids - he's already told me that he's fine with me not seeing his kids, because the sort of ambitious professional women he dates typically don't want anything to do with them, so my lack of involvement is nothing new. His ex was a high-powered lawyer... she insisted they move to another city several hundred miles away, so he rarely saw his kids, and she wanted him to stop seeing them completely because they were "in his past and she was his future". In the end she dumped him and he came back to this city, which is closer to his kids, and it took him a long time to re-form a relationship with them. At least I don't insist that he stops seeing them completely - all I said is that I don't want to see them. Ambitious professional women with children DO exist. Ambitious professional women without children but also without the can't be arsed attitude DO exist. With you, he isn't just dating an ambitious professional woman. He is dating someone who is requiring his efforts with his children to be tailored down. I find it hard to see a man who would do this for tail to be "such a nice guy with a lot going for him". His priorities are whacked; he DID abandon his kids for an ex and only "re-formed" a connection AFTER she dumped him. But I do get it; you're a saint in comparison. If they are damaged by this - if his relationship with his children is forever damaged by his repetitious, fleeting involvement and interest level per your requirements - that is not your problem now is it? His children won't remain tedious young people forever. They will grow into adults and then what excuse for avoiding them will you have? They will remember this flavor you exhibit and the fact that he nurtured it; I'm sure it will make for lovely little brunch sessions. Will those designer bags ever really be safe from their wrath? I'm not sure your sacrifice and willingness to settle for this man will be worth the risk you're taking in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 And what risk am I taking in the long run? The risk that his kids won't like me? Pfft, I don't want them to like me, I want them to keep their distance from me and not interfere in my life. I am not the one who stipulates his interest level in his kids - his involvement was fairly limited before he even met me, otherwise I wouldn't have continued dating him in the first place. I don't require him to not see his kids - he has a choice - if he wanted to spend more time with his kids then he could have said so right at the beginning and I would have walked away. He could still decide that he wants to have them around all the time, and I would end the relationship amicably so he could do that. His relationship with his kids (and how they feel about it) isn't my problem; it's up to him to handle that. He doesn't care if I'm not involved with them, because his own involvement level isn't particularly high anyway - so he's not reducing his involvement with his kids "for tail", he had that low level of involvement before I even met him. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 And what risk am I taking in the long run? The risk that his kids won't like me? Pfft, I don't want them to like me, I want them to keep their distance from me and not interfere in my life. I am not the one who stipulates his interest level in his kids - his involvement was fairly limited before he even met me, otherwise I wouldn't have continued dating him in the first place. I don't require him to not see his kids - he has a choice - if he wanted to spend more time with his kids then he could have said so right at the beginning and I would have walked away. He could still decide that he wants to have them around all the time, and I would end the relationship amicably so he could do that. His relationship with his kids (and how they feel about it) isn't my problem; it's up to him to handle that. He doesn't care if I'm not involved with them, because his own involvement level isn't particularly high anyway - so he's not reducing his involvement with his kids "for tail", he had that low level of involvement before I even met him. I believe I almost word for word, said exactly the same in my previous post. So why the effort to restate that which you've already made abundantly clear? About the only part of this I think is inaccurate, is your belief that you don't influence his actions in anyway. Sure he is responsible for his willingness to be blackmailed into half-a$$ed parenting by you and anyone else he has dated with these requirements. It really sounds like he uses women of your personal flavor to absolve him of his own natural inadequacies as a parent. He likely cannot stomach the image of being completely uninvolved, so his children get the "gift" of his waffling while he gets to not feel as responsible for his actions. If no one is forcing him to not be around his kids often, the same stands for his efforts growing when he is single. Pretty convenient claims by all parties involved. Everyone is real busy quantifying how uninvolved and not responsible they are for the situation, aren't they? I had a childhood friend who went through exactly this. She always felt her father's GFs were being chosen OVER her. As an adult, simply finding a man who was interested in her could not satisfy this wound. She was obsessed with being chosen OVER someone else. The only men she found appealing were married men with children. And I don't think you have the core body temperature to feel any responsibility about the future waiting for these children or any ability you could have had at improving it; I only worry about the possible damage to your wardrobe in a world of resentful young adults with easy access to milkshakes. Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 This thread has gone completely off-topic from the original post, and has descended into me having to defend myself against accusations of being cold, selfish, ruining kids' lives - all because I stated that I choose not to be involved with my bf's children and they are not my priority. I am not, as you may seem to think, a she-devil who is out to ruin the lives of innocent children - I simply don't like kids and don't want anything to do with them. You're absolutely right when you say that I feel no responsibility for improving the future of these kids, any more than I would feel responsible for any other kids who were nothing to do with me. I'm not doing anything actively nasty here, I'm not a child abuser or anything - I just don't want to be involved with his kids and I keep my distance. The alternative would be not dating him at all - do you think he deserves to be alone just because he made mistakes in his youth? Do you think I should punish him for his indiscretions with his ex, or allow him to move on with his life? I could dump him and look for someone who didn't make those mistakes, or I could be understanding and allow him to continue with his life and make no comment about him seeing his kids, which is what I am doing. Link to post Share on other sites
silverfish Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Thornton - you remind me strangely of my mother! She's had this attitude towards my children since they were born, and we just don't have a relationship any more. She was the same with my step brothers & sisters when they were younger. Now they are adults and very successful, she has attempted to form a relationship with them - guess what? They don't want to know! When their Dad had a heart attack and she rang them they were rude and unsympathetic towards her. When they went out to Australia for a holiday, they didn't get asked to stay in my step brothers penthouse in Sydney. When her step children have babies they don't even bother to pick up the phone to them. They don't get birthday presents, cards - nothing. It's really very sad now they are getting old they have no one but eachother. Yes children can be tedious, but so can women who practically orgasm from looking at handbags. Link to post Share on other sites
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