Single Parents or those dating a single parent - your imput

[phineas]

I'm a guy with two kids. I have them most of the time. I have 3 evenings a week (all work nights) where they are with their mother.

 

I've had women without kids ask me out & I try to explain to them that I have little free time & money to go out.

 

I can't drop everything & go away for the weekend like these women can & do.

Once they realize that I usually don't hear from them again.

I don't blame them.

Not at all.

 

I also have no issues with women that have kids. In fact i've found women with little ones around my kid's ages are actually quite plentiful.

We live in the same world & understand each other's situations.

[Thornton]

So basically you're settling, and you're bringing in the kids to bare the brunt of it. Because you're distaste for them (as someone mentioned) will have an impact on them. Does that not matter to you? How do you feel okay with having a negative impact on a child who is growing and learning and developing?

I don't have distaste for them; I simply feel nothing for them and I hardly ever see them. I'm not bringing the kids into it at all - far from it, I'm actually leaving them out of it.

 

If you're dating someone with kids, understand that they have to be a priority, understand that the ex is likely to be there.

Well they don't have to be my priority, and the ex is certainly never at my house or in my life. His priorities are entirely up to him, but I don't have to share them.

 

When you become involved with someone who has kids, you become someone important in their eyes - at some point - whether you like it or not. Kids want approval and love from those close to them, and their parents. They want to be liked and cared about. How do you think it would make them feel to be treated as unimportant and unwanted?

Nah, I'm not someone important to them - I'm just their Dad's girlfriend. Their Dad has his life and girlfriend in the city, and they have an entirely separate life in their small town, and their Dad drives in from the city on a regular basis and takes them out for the day. Their lives and mine don't really intersect much, apart from the couple of times a year that they come to our house for the weekend. I don't treat them as unwanted; I don't treat them as anything because our paths very rarely cross.

[Shin0bi1]

I don't expect any single female to be a "mother" for my son. It is however an understanding if you are involved with me as a single dad you have to know these following things:

 

1) My son is a priority in my life.

2) Because he is a priority it doesn't mean you are not important so don't go there.

3) Don't give ultimatuums of having to choose between my son or you because that will be a very easy choice.

4) You are not a replacement of his biological mother.

5) Don't tell me that you wish that you could go back in time to start a family with me instead of my ex-wife.

6) Don't criticize my parenting skills and/or project frustration to my child especially if it is based on your insecure feelings about my past relationship/marriage.

7) Know that I have to cordially deal with my ex-wife in co-parenting and that she is not going anywhere anytime soon.

8) Don't expect me to move away with you and put a distance between me and my son.

 

If you don't follow these 8 basic things than yo azz has gots to go and I am not the one for you.

 

-Shin0bi1

[dreamergrl]

I don't have distaste for them; I simply feel nothing for them and I hardly ever see them. I'm not bringing the kids into it at all - far from it, I'm actually leaving them out of it.

 

What kid wants to be left out?

 

 

Well they don't have to be my priority, and the ex is certainly never at my house or in my life. His priorities are entirely up to him, but I don't have to share them.

 

Yours yours yours

 

 

Nah, I'm not someone important to them - I'm just their Dad's girlfriend. Their Dad has his life and girlfriend in the city, and they have an entirely separate life in their small town, and their Dad drives in from the city on a regular basis and takes them out for the day. Their lives and mine don't really intersect much, apart from the couple of times a year that they come to our house for the weekend. I don't treat them as unwanted; I don't treat them as anything because our paths very rarely cross.

 

That is sad. The few times a year they look forward to seeing their dad and dad's gf doesn't treat them as anything. They come so rarely and you can't welcome them and take interest in them? You underestimate how kids think and feel. They most definitely pick up on this. Whether you want to admit it or not.

[SummerLady]

I don't expect any single female to be a "mother" for my son. It is however an understanding if you are involved with me as a single dad you have to know these following things:

 

1) My son is a priority in my life.

2) Because he is a priority it doesn't mean you are not important so don't go there.

3) Don't give ultimatuums of having to choose between my son or you because that will be a very easy choice.

4) You are not a replacement of his biological mother.

5) Don't tell me that you wish that you could go back in time to start a family with me instead of my ex-wife.

6) Don't criticize my parenting skills and/or project frustration to my child especially if it is based on your insecure feelings about my past relationship/marriage.

7) Know that I have to cordially deal with my ex-wife in co-parenting and that she is not going anywhere anytime soon.

8) Don't expect me to move away with you and put a distance between me and my son.

 

If you don't follow these 8 basic things than yo azz has gots to go and I am not the one for you.

 

-Shin0bi1

 

Well said! These are all respectful requests. I think some are jealous of the ex husband or ex wife. This can be easily resolved by explaining and showing that the "Kids" are the only reason for the communication. I have an ex and so does my SO. It may be easier when you have an ex and understand the dynamic.

[phineas]

I don't expect any single female to be a "mother" for my son. It is however an understanding if you are involved with me as a single dad you have to know these following things:

 

1) My son is a priority in my life.

2) Because he is a priority it doesn't mean you are not important so don't go there.

3) Don't give ultimatuums of having to choose between my son or you because that will be a very easy choice.

4) You are not a replacement of his biological mother.

5) Don't tell me that you wish that you could go back in time to start a family with me instead of my ex-wife.

6) Don't criticize my parenting skills and/or project frustration to my child especially if it is based on your insecure feelings about my past relationship/marriage.

7) Know that I have to cordially deal with my ex-wife in co-parenting and that she is not going anywhere anytime soon.

8) Don't expect me to move away with you and put a distance between me and my son.

 

If you don't follow these 8 basic things than yo azz has gots to go and I am not the one for you.

 

-Shin0bi1

 

I like this.

[Thornton]

That is sad. The few times a year they look forward to seeing their dad and dad's gf doesn't treat them as anything. They come so rarely and you can't welcome them and take interest in them? You underestimate how kids think and feel. They most definitely pick up on this. Whether you want to admit it or not.

 

I'm perfectly nice to them when they visit for the weekend a couple of times a year, I speak to them cordially and accompany them to dinner. It's not like I make them unwelcome or ignore them or anything, I treat them as politely as I treat any other guest. But I have no desire to be involved in their lives or to have them view me in any kind of parental capacity, and I have no desire to see them more often than twice a year... I have no desire to see them at all actually, I just behave politely when they do happen to visit. I'm their Dad's girlfriend, and that's all I want to be... I'm not their step-parent.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm perfectly nice to them when they visit for the weekend a couple of times a year, I speak to them cordially and accompany them to dinner. It's not like I make them unwelcome or ignore them or anything, I treat them as politely as I treat any other guest. But I have no desire to be involved in their lives or to have them view me in any kind of parental capacity, and I have no desire to see them more often than twice a year... I have no desire to see them at all actually, I just behave politely when they do happen to visit. I'm their Dad's girlfriend, and that's all I want to be... I'm not their step-parent.

 

Do you foresee a possibility of eventually becoming their step-parent?

[Thornton]

Do you foresee a possibility of eventually becoming their step-parent?

 

Even if I married their father, I wouldn't be their step-mother in any real sense (except on paper, which doesn't mean anything). For all practical intents and purposes I'd just be their father's wife; I rarely see them now and I wouldn't be inclined to see them any more frequently even if I was married to their father. I never intend to relate to them in any kind of parental capacity; that's a role for him and his ex to fill, it's not my responsibility. As a step-parent I would have no legal rights or responsibilities towards those children, which suits me fine.

[dreamergrl]

Even if I married their father, I wouldn't be their step-mother in any real sense (except on paper, which doesn't mean anything). For all practical intents and purposes I'd just be their father's wife; I rarely see them now and I wouldn't be inclined to see them any more frequently even if I was married to their father. I never intend to relate to them in any kind of parental capacity; that's a role for him and his ex to fill, it's not my responsibility. As a step-parent I would have no legal rights or responsibilities towards those children, which suits me fine.

 

This really saddens me. I hope you don't marry this guy.

[GorillaTheater]

This really saddens me. I hope you don't marry this guy.

 

I've got to agree. Thornton, you seem to bring alot of intelligence and insight to the threads you post on, but this coldness on your part seems unneccessary, cruel, and ultimately damaging. You may well have no legal rights or responsibilites toward these children, but speaking as a lawyer, who cares? The kids sure don't. All they want is love and attention.

[Thornton]

They get love and attention - from their biological parents. I don't really have time in my life for children; if I did then I'd have had some of my own. My bf knew when he started dating me that I don't have time in my life for children right now, and my consent to date him rested on the fact that his children wouldn't impose on my lifestyle. I'm certainly not going to spend my weekends entertaining children, I have more important things to do. I'm sorry if you think it seems cold, but I simply don't want children in my life, regardless of who they belong to.

[AlektraClementine]

My experience is this. For statistical purposes, I'm 32 with 2 elementary aged children. My custody arrangement is about 50/50 and dad and I live in the same school district and get along well enough to still be a successful parenting team.

 

I dated a lot due to having roughly 50% of my time, free. I introduced NO ONE to my children. As a mother, I have a keen sense of who is and who is not cut out to embrace my motherhood. The only person ever to have met my children, I will be marrying in April.

 

As for me, I didn't give a rat's a** if a guy had issues about my children. Generally in those situations, I had my fun with them and it fizzled out. Nothing spectacular. What I did find was that men are very insecure about this. The most anti-child dude out there will at some point be begging to meet your children if that is NOT your inclination.

 

I picked my current SO because he built a relationship with them and is making a WONDERFUL step-parent.

[sally4sara]

They get love and attention - from their biological parents. I don't really have time in my life for children; if I did then I'd have had some of my own. My bf knew when he started dating me that I don't have time in my life for children right now, and my consent to date him rested on the fact that his children wouldn't impose on my lifestyle. I'm certainly not going to spend my weekends entertaining children, I have more important things to do. I'm sorry if you think it seems cold, but I simply don't want children in my life, regardless of who they belong to.

 

Everyone has the right to make all the same choices you have clearly expressed.

Do you do any of these things with ANYONE? These are, after all, common ways of spending time. You have time for relationships - yes? you are in one after all. If not with children....who WILL you do these things with?

My point is, they will become adults. Pretty much anyone you date will have family. Is that also not important?

Moreover, I often meet people I likely won't meet again. Not always though, so I try to be warm and engaged rather than simply too busy with more important things. Why not children or other groups of familial people?

[Thornton]

No, I don't spend any time with anyone's children, not just my bf's kids - in general I'm just not keen on kids, and I don't have any young relatives anyway. I have time for adult relationships, but I find children rather tedious and annoying. I guess family is important, but other family members don't require the time investment that children do and they don't impose so much. Plus other family members are generally adults so their company is rather more interesting... and other family members don't come with his ex attached!

 

I also try to be warm and engaged with everyone I meet, but that doesn't mean I actually want to be around them, it just means I'm nice to everyone if/when I have to be around them. I'm nice to children too, but that doesn't mean I want them around, or that I won't avoid them if possible... which is what I do with my bf's kids. Obviously I can't expect them go away completely, so I just limit my involvement with them as much as possible. Yes, I'm sure it would be more polite to spend time with them... but frankly children are a pain and I'm not going to waste my weekend parenting someone else's kids, particularly when they have two parents already and thus have no need of my company anyway. I'm nice to them when their company is unavoidable, and that's where I draw the line in terms of my involvement with them.

[dreamergrl]

The don't date a guy with kids. Kids pick up on the dislike for them. And even if you think you're just dad's gf - kids seek approval from their parent, so they want to be liked by the important people in their parents life. Why should spending time with their dad be less of a good time just because you don't like kids? I don't care if you say you're nice to them. It's not hard to sense fake niceness.

[Thornton]

Well if I had been able to find a decent guy without kids, I would have dated him. The problem is, by age 30-40 all of the decent guys have usually already been in a relationship, and they generally have kids... those who don't have kids tend to be undesirable or non-committal. So the choice is between dating a decent guy with kids, or an undesirable guy... a decent guy with no kids is very hard to find once you reach a certain age.

 

I spend time with his kids when I have to (which is not very often) for the sake of having a relationship with my bf. I don't intend to take on a parenting role though, because I don't have time for kids right now... unfortunately the lack of decent men without kids has kind of forced me into a corner... since I couldn't find a decent guy with no kids, the next best option is to date a guy with kids and limit my involvement with them. I consider myself lucky that my bf is fine with my lack of involvement.

 

Since you asked... spending time with my bf would be less of a good time if the kids were around, because they're very trying... they want to see children's movies at the cinema, they want to eat at McDonalds and go in toy stores, they make a noise and a mess, and they need constant attention. The first time I met them, one of them spilled a milkshake on my designer bag. I just find it rather limiting when children are around, because I'm very busy and I prefer to engage in more grown-up pastimes in my free time. I spend time with him and we do grown-up things, then he goes to visit them and he does children's things with them while I get on with doing my grown-up things elsewhere. The arrangement suits us both fine... he just wants me to be his girlfriend, not a second mother for his kids.

[dreamergrl]

So you're settling for him. Does he know you'd date someone else if you found someone without kids?

[Thornton]

I guess I am settling, to a certain extent. He really is a good guy and I genuinely like being with him, I just don't want his kids. If it wasn't for the kids then he'd have been pretty much what I was looking for in a man... he's fit, intelligent, fun to be with, we get on well, etc. The things that would make me regard the relationship as "settling" aren't issues between us as a couple, they're external issues, i.e. his kids. The two of us get along just fine, as long as it's just the two of us... which it is 99% of the time, because as I said, I have very little to do with his kids... I didn't even know they existed until several weeks into the relationship, because he knew I didn't want kids and he didn't want to put me off. I agreed to give the relationship a try, as long as he didn't expect me to be involved with his kids, and he said he was fine with that.

 

When it comes to dating someone else without kids, if I met such a guy... I honestly don't know what I'd do. I'm pretty heavily invested in this relationship, and while it's true that I don't want his kids, it's rather a moot point because I hardly have anything to do with them anyway. I don't think it's worth ending an otherwise good relationship over children that I never have to see, unless they begin to seriously impinge on my lifestyle, which they don't at present.

[dreamergrl]

You didn't answer. Does he know you'd leave him for a guy who is just as good without kids?

[Thornton]

Well... no. But then again I'm not sure I would leave him, unless his kids became a significant hassle, which they aren't at present because I never see them.

[dreamergrl]

Well... no. But then again I'm not sure I would leave him, unless his kids became a significant hassle, which they aren't at present because I never see them.

 

You've already stated you would if a guy about the same or better without kids were to come along. How do you suppose this would make him feel? He may be okay with it now, but I bet if his kids moved closer for some reason, you'd be seeing a whole lot more of them. Or maybe he's just settling for you - and if the right girl came along - who doesn't have a bad taste from his kids, I bet he'd move right along too.

[Thornton]

You've already stated you would if a guy about the same or better without kids were to come along. How do you suppose this would make him feel?

 

I have to be realistic - someone better is unlikely to come along so I don't think about it. For one thing, guys as nice as my bf are in short supply, and for another thing, my bf is a known quantity and a new guy wouldn't be - I wouldn't like to switch bfs just because my current one has kids, and then find out the new one is a loser. My bf has enough going for him that I can handle the necessary minimum contact with his kids. Another guy might not have kids, but he might also not be such a nice guy - it's a trade-off.

 

If I dumped my bf right now because of his kids, he'd be hurt because he made every effort to accommodate my wish not to be involved with them... it would be like I don't even see them and I still dumped him. If his kids were around all the time and I dumped him, he'd still be hurt, but I think he'd be understanding because I said right from the beginning I don't want kids around and that would be a deal-breaker.

 

 

He may be okay with it now, but I bet if his kids moved closer for some reason, you'd be seeing a whole lot more of them. Or maybe he's just settling for you - and if the right girl came along - who doesn't have a bad taste from his kids, I bet he'd move right along too.

 

I asked him about that very early on, about what would happen with our relationship if his kids had to live with him, and he said "my kids will never live with me". We'll never move to their small town, and they're unlikely to move to the city. If they did happen to move closer, I wouldn't be seeing a whole lot more of them, because our relationship would be over - I can't be doing with children. He knows this because I laid it out right at the beginning, but we don't talk about it because it's not going to happen.

 

I don't think it's likely that he'll dump me for another girl who will accept his kids - he's already told me that he's fine with me not seeing his kids, because the sort of ambitious professional women he dates typically don't want anything to do with them, so my lack of involvement is nothing new. His ex was a high-powered lawyer... she insisted they move to another city several hundred miles away, so he rarely saw his kids, and she wanted him to stop seeing them completely because they were "in his past and she was his future". In the end she dumped him and he came back to this city, which is closer to his kids, and it took him a long time to re-form a relationship with them. At least I don't insist that he stops seeing them completely - all I said is that I don't want to see them.

Edited October 16, 2009 by Thornton

[Peanut9330]

I dated a guy for 3 years who was a single parent, during the holidays we all spent it together. I cared for his son as his son cared for me, I feel that when your getting involved with someone who has a child, you should care for the child as well.

[Thornton]

That may apply if the child lives with your partner or is around all the time, but my bf's kids live a couple of hundred miles away and I have neither the time nor the inclination to trek out to their little backwater town and take them to see boring cartoons at the cinema.