Author MrMayI Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 I haven't been going through this as long as you -- but I still feel the same every now and then. We haven't seen each other since the day she left, and haven't spoke outside of the initial week. I don't feel like I know her anymore, and don't want to be with the woman that has made my life hell -- but I still, like you, feel that if we loved each other so much before, I could see it happening again, and don't think I'd be able to/or want to stop myself. don't worry aksion. you'll get to the point where you know it's the case, but can readily accept that it is over. that's where i am right now. i'm okay with where life has thrusted me in the last 5 months, but i still have a yearning for what should've been and what could be. in no way will i let this put a block on my heart, and keep myself closed off to anyone else because i EXPECT us to get back together. i don't. just at this point in time, i'd rather be with myself than anyone else, and she's still lingering around in my head and heart like the wallflower at a party. i don't want to really talk to her, but the longer it goes on the better she starts to look. Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 (edited) Tojaz...well make some plans when you two can...grasp that chance...I had a pastor once that said something that I have hung onto since...God puts people in our life wether they are good or bad because they shape our path...you never know that friendship might lead to a much better life, new job, more friends...etc... Edited October 25, 2009 by Auroracoladybug MMI wrote in and I didn't quote tojaz lol confusing Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 don't worry aksion. you'll get to the point where you know it's the case, but can readily accept that it is over. that's where i am right now. i'm okay with where life has thrusted me in the last 5 months, but i still have a yearning for what should've been and what could be. in no way will i let this put a block on my heart, and keep myself closed off to anyone else because i EXPECT us to get back together. i don't. just at this point in time, i'd rather be with myself than anyone else, and she's still lingering around in my head and heart like the wallflower at a party. i don't want to really talk to her, but the longer it goes on the better she starts to look. Very well put MayI!! Like your reading my mind bro, thats exactly what I'm trying to do for myself. A lot harder then it sounds though. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 Tojaz...well make some plans when you two can...grasp that chance...I had a pastor once that said something that I have hung onto since...God puts people in our life wether they are good or bad because they shape our path...you never know that friendship might lead to a much better life, new job, more friends...etc... Well, I sure like daydreaming about what could be, and i think she does too, we talk about it sometimes. Believe me if the opportunity ever presented itself, I would definitely grasp that chance. I agree with what your pastor said, and believe she has been put in my life for a reason, just not sure what that is yet. Still, we E-mail everyday and really miss it when we don't. Still, I don't know that it will ever go anywhere, but I'm thankful for what we have. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 Well to all three of you (Aksion, MMI, Tojaz) deserve some happiness...I don't wish anyone this heartache we have all been thru. As a good friend pointed out to me that it is when you give up you lose. I don't want a slow uneventful life and yet I don't want want to move so fast that I miss those opportunities. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 the ex just came by to pick up our little girl. we stood and talked about the usual exchange tomorrow and kindergarten business. she then told me that she's very sorry we haven't talked, but she knows i haven't wanted to. well, i put my daughter in her car, and turned to walk off, and she said "do you wanna give me a hug before we go?". here's where i was saying i can't resist. i said "sure", and she hugged me very tightly, rubbing my back. i flashed back to a month ago when she hugged me like that, and i exposed her two days later. still, it was nice. i can't help but say it was. she had sunglasses on, but i could see her eyes were full of tears. i'm not thinking much of it, but i will say being hugged like that was very nice. well, they're gone. off to the golf course. SUNDAY BEER!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 the ex just came by to pick up our little girl. we stood and talked about the usual exchange tomorrow and kindergarten business. she then told me that she's very sorry we haven't talked, but she knows i haven't wanted to. well, i put my daughter in her car, and turned to walk off, and she said "do you wanna give me a hug before we go?". here's where i was saying i can't resist. i said "sure", and she hugged me very tightly, rubbing my back. i flashed back to a month ago when she hugged me like that, and i exposed her two days later. still, it was nice. i can't help but say it was. she had sunglasses on, but i could see her eyes were full of tears. i'm not thinking much of it, but i will say being hugged like that was very nice. well, they're gone. off to the golf course. SUNDAY BEER!!!! And the MayI story rolls on. Must be tough bro, keep us posted. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 do you wanna give me a hug before we go?". here's where i was saying i can't resist. i said "sure", and she hugged me very tightly, rubbing my back. i flashed back to a month ago when she hugged me like that, and i exposed her two days later. still, it was nice. i can't help but say it was. she had sunglasses on, but i could see her eyes were full of tears. No wonder your suffering still continues. She's still being selfish and not letting you heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 And the MayI story rolls on. Must be tough bro, keep us posted. TOJAZ No wonder your suffering still continues. She's still being selfish and not letting you heal. not too tough, actually. that hug made me feel good. i haven't been simply hugged like that in some time. it's okay. admittedly, the tears in her eyes made me feel sad and better at the same time. i just don't know. i'm not going to try and read into it. she texted me a few minutes ago about some produce she bought. odd day. i don't think i'd be able to figure it out even if i was willing to try. Link to post Share on other sites
Aksion Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 I know its not totally because of your daughter, but the love you once had for her -- but I don't even want to see my stbxw. I really do miss her, I miss everything about what we HAD...but I can't see her. I'll lose it, I really will. I'm not even going to wait around for her to come sign our papers at the bank later this week. I have it arranged to where she doesn't know it, but she is coming an hour later than I am, and I'll be returning an hour or so later to pick up what I need. I don't know how you do it MayI -- you're a stronger man than I am at this point in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneDoe35 Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 I also find it hard to resist a hug because that is the only time I can pretend he is still the beautiful man I knew, just for a few seconds....peace - and then gone. Link to post Share on other sites
WTFO Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 I also find it hard to resist a hug because that is the only time I can pretend he is still the beautiful man I knew, just for a few seconds....peace - and then gone. Well, My stbxw dropped of the kids this wknd. Before she left my daughter wanted us to "Kiss". Well, she was adamant about saying no. But did say we could hug. I was also weak and said ok. It did feel good,even though I got the azz out hug. Her excuse was she didn't want the OM to know we hugged. So yeah it was nice for a few seconds, then gone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted October 26, 2009 Author Share Posted October 26, 2009 Well, My stbxw dropped of the kids this wknd. Before she left my daughter wanted us to "Kiss". Well, she was adamant about saying no. But did say we could hug. I was also weak and said ok. It did feel good,even though I got the azz out hug. Her excuse was she didn't want the OM to know we hugged. So yeah it was nice for a few seconds, then gone. this exact thing happened to me a few months back. my daughter was in tears over it. today, the "butt was in". aksion-- i don't know how i do it either. i wish i did. maybe i'm learning that in my case, divorce was a positive thing. no matter which direction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted October 26, 2009 Author Share Posted October 26, 2009 guess i'll go to bed tonight, watch the rest of the yankees game (go!!!), and try not to let my mind race all night. chrome, if you're out there, please come in here and ask just WTF i am doin? no matter what direction, i guess it's very slow going right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 this exact thing happened to me a few months back. my daughter was in tears over it. today, the "butt was in". aksion-- i don't know how i do it either. i wish i did. maybe I'm learning that in my case, divorce was a positive thing. no matter which direction. JHC! Why not let the K-Bar knife lay in the hot coals for a couple of minutes before you let her slip it in your back! It comes down to this, its either me or the OM. You want a hug? Go get it from the OM! She wants a hug to allay her guilt over leaving you for the OM! Its noting more than her "anti-slut" defense kicking in. Either that or she's a 'cake-eater' Or a little of both. I think its more of, ~ "Well if it doesn't work out with the OM, I've still got the STBXH on the hook." After I sent my X back state-side she told her sister, "I can go back to Okinawa!" (Sorry Dear it doesn't work that way. Once the "Gov" paid for you to go back? They're not going to pay for $6000 for you and the kids o come back) That's how cheaters "think" They think they've got options. That's what you currently on the board have got ~ one of two options. Either reconciliation ~ or DefCon 4. There is no in between ~ either your in or your out. If your in? Your in for a penny ~ your end for a pound! Come Hell or high water! If your out? Your out for good! Leave me? Once you walk out that door? There's no such thing as coming back! Ever! I don't care if I have to cry a river of tears as great as the Mississippi or the Colorado. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted October 26, 2009 Author Share Posted October 26, 2009 (edited) thanks gunny. i appreciate your input, but i'm going to do neither of the things you've advised. we share a child, and it's not hurting me to hug her, or be nice to her, or any of that. it's just a bit confusing. i'm out. playing the field. meeting women. enjoying myself most of the time. i'm not going to revert back to the NC/LC of 2 months ago. that **** was terrible. i'm also not pushing for reconciliation. okay, so she's been fooling with someone else. i'm no different. really, i'm not. i'll admit i miss the hell out of her somedays, but we're divorced. not seperated. divorced. i've come to grips with it. if we're going to get back together, it's gonna happen. i'm not pining or waiting for that. gunny, i hope i'm not being offensive to you. your input in the past has hardened me, and been an aide in getting me to where i am today. i really appreciate you. Edited October 26, 2009 by MrMayI Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted October 26, 2009 Author Share Posted October 26, 2009 also, she's not my STBX, she is my EX. we're done. ink is dry on the papers. maybe i'm just built differently, or maybe i'm a total rube and just don't know it, but a hug is a hug. a deep hug with feeling behind it and tears in the eyes of the woman i vowed to spend the rest of my life with is not just a hug. this comes down to i am the only one who knows her around these parts. she wouldn't have reached out like that to add to any suffering. i'm not in a 180. i'm not faking my smile when i see her. i'm living. i'm pretty happy. she's funny and smart. we get each other, if nothing else, on the surface level. my little girl is dealing with this a lot easier than when i was trying to find a way to save a dead marriage 3 or 4 months ago. that's what matters. i'm not going to be a dick and mean to her, especially in front of our kid. Link to post Share on other sites
Aksion Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 I feel exactly the same way about my STBXW. Although I'm still completely messed up in the head because of all this. I still don't want to see her in pain -- and wouldn't wish any of the way she's made me feel recently ever on her. On a side note, haven't seen her since she left -- saw her driving down the road today on my way to handle some business for work...really lost it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted October 26, 2009 Author Share Posted October 26, 2009 I feel exactly the same way about my STBXW. Although I'm still completely messed up in the head because of all this. I still don't want to see her in pain -- and wouldn't wish any of the way she's made me feel recently ever on her. On a side note, haven't seen her since she left -- saw her driving down the road today on my way to handle some business for work...really lost it. the pain will dissipate aksion. i promise it will. it all takes time. i know this won't help your plight, but i was left by a live in girlfriend of 4 years just after my 23rd b'day. i was miserable for months, but one day i woke up and it was just. gone. i loved that girl with all of my heart. matter of fact, her kid and mine go to the same pre-school. it's weird to see her and my ex in the same room together. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 thanks gunny. i appreciate your input, but i'm going to do neither of the things you've advised. we share a child, and it's not hurting me to hug her, or be nice to her, or any of that. it's just a bit confusing. i'm out. playing the field. meeting women. enjoying myself most of the time. i'm not going to revert back to the NC/LC of 2 months ago. that **** was terrible. i'm also not pushing for reconciliation. okay, so she's been fooling with someone else. i'm no different. really, i'm not. i'll admit i miss the hell out of her somedays, but we're divorced. not seperated. divorced. i've come to grips with it. if we're going to get back together, it's gonna happen. i'm not pining or waiting for that. gunny, i hope i'm not being offensive to you. your input in the past has hardened me, and been an aide in getting me to where i am today. i really appreciate you. Good for you MayI!! You my man are ahead of the curve and seeing all the angels!. You sat down, saw what you liked and didn't like and made decisions you can live with. Not crying in a corner and not throwing her off a cliff. Too many folks on this board think of everything as black or white, relationships and divorce, especialy with children is a lot more complicated then that. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted October 26, 2009 Author Share Posted October 26, 2009 Good for you MayI!! You my man are ahead of the curve and seeing all the angels!. You sat down, saw what you liked and didn't like and made decisions you can live with. Not crying in a corner and not throwing her off a cliff. Too many folks on this board think of everything as black or white, relationships and divorce, especialy with children is a lot more complicated then that. TOJAZ thanks t. i just have to face reality. this woman and i are going to have more history together, whether we're together or not. i tried my best to save my marriage. it's over now. i'm completely at grips with that. it's still an inner struggle somedays, but i can't hate this woman. we both were unhappy there at the end. difference is, i wanted to work it out. she didn't. that's not to say i wouldn't consider giving it a shot now if she wanted to. it would take some serious, serious consideration first, but still. i definitely won't get married to her again. i'm not letting that custody i toiled so hard for get away from me that easy. far as the black and white thing, you're right. i almost wish sometimes that i hadn't limited myself to the simplicity of that. TrustInYourself told me in the beginning that people don't always play by the rules laid out in a separation. i don't think i let it sink in as much as i should've. now, who she's seeing is not my concern. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 Nothing in a seperation is by the rules by definition. Marriage and being together is making a commitment and a promise to one another. You don't get to the point were at unless someone broke the rules AND broke trust. I think the fact that while your not ruling out getting back together is healthy, the fact that you've set some rules for yourself if that were to happen is even healthier! The fact of the matter MayI is that you've learned a hell of a lot about her, about yourself, and about what you want now. Make sure you raise your standards accordingly. Set that bar at what you know you deserve, maybe she can meet that, maybe not, but don't settle for anything less. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted October 26, 2009 Author Share Posted October 26, 2009 Nothing in a seperation is by the rules by definition. Marriage and being together is making a commitment and a promise to one another. You don't get to the point were at unless someone broke the rules AND broke trust. I think the fact that while your not ruling out getting back together is healthy, the fact that you've set some rules for yourself if that were to happen is even healthier! The fact of the matter MayI is that you've learned a hell of a lot about her, about yourself, and about what you want now. Make sure you raise your standards accordingly. Set that bar at what you know you deserve, maybe she can meet that, maybe not, but don't settle for anything less. TOJAZ i just couldn't possibly feel like myself, and be indifferent or volatile towards her in any way. we have 1 child together. in all probability the only one she'll ever have, and definitely the only for me. i can't have our daughter grow up in not only separate homes, but divided homes. i want her to see love in some capacity her whole life. not saying i don't begrudge the ex a bit for breaking up our family, but i can only move onward and upward from there. that's what happened. what happens is entirely up to me. i think. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 i just couldn't possibly feel like myself, and be indifferent or volatile towards her in any way. we have 1 child together. in all probability the only one she'll ever have, and definitely the only for me. i can't have our daughter grow up in not only separate homes, but divided homes. i want her to see love in some capacity her whole life. not saying i don't begrudge the ex a bit for breaking up our family, but i can only move onward and upward from there. that's what happened. what happens is entirely up to me. i think. No I think about it MayI. Exactly right! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted October 26, 2009 Author Share Posted October 26, 2009 picked my little girl up today, and the first thing she said in the truck was "you and mommy are married again. i saw you hug." i told her mommy and i hugged because we care for each other. she told me mommy said we broke up but we still love each other a lot. i just moved the conversation in another direction. Link to post Share on other sites
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