once someone cheats on you what can they do to allow you to forgive them?

[Dexter Morgan]

On the outside things have been fine. I know no one on here knows her and rereading some of the responses it's very obvious. I'll say again that as time goes on I realize more and more that she is not a typical cheater.

 

cheating is cheating. either someone has it in them to cheat, or they don't.

 

I think you are making excuses for her.

 

 

I know I was flamed for saying my situation was unique and was told by several people it wasn't. But consider that we had been together faithfully for about 8 years before this whole mess happened. I do understand where people say that it is a sign and it will come back and probably worse, I'm not denying that possibility, but I just don't see it in her.

 

you probably didn't think she'd cheat at all either, did you?

 

 

I really don't want to let this ruin my relationship.

 

the dreams and triggers of which you speak that you think might ruin your relationship are not the culprits.

 

her cheating is. If your relationship is ruined, its because she cheated, not because you can't get past it. There'd be nothing to try to get past if she hadn't cheated.

 

Hard thoughts... I'm not thinking of breaking up with her now... I really don't want to... but I also know I don't deserve to be constantly haunted by this feeling.

 

well thats the hard choice for you isn't it?

 

break up with her, thus rendering your dreams no longer hurtful

 

or

 

stay with her and let the dreams torment you.

 

I still think about what my x-wife did from time to time, but now that I am no longer with her, the thoughts no longer hurt.

 

 

I don't have any more questions, at this point I don't think anyone else can help me, I just wanted to share an update since I'm feeling rather down today...

 

here is something to think about. Even though you don't see this happening again, do you think there will be a time when all of this cools down, not that you won't still have it in the back of your mind, but say 3 or 4 years go by and she gets a comfort zone where she could slip back into cheating.

 

in other words, she is remorseful now because she got caught recently and its all still fresh in both your minds.

 

but there will come a day when it isn't a new issue any longer and might not remember what it feels like to get caught. you don't think she would slip again?

[poizon74]

I'd say it is time to see a therapist - one for you, and one for both of you together to help deal with the fallout of the her cheating.

 

well I don't personally believe much in therapy... but if things keep going this way I might have to give it a try...

 

 

cheating is cheating. either someone has it in them to cheat, or they don't.

 

I think you are making excuses for her.

I'm not trying to justify her actions, I'm just saying to do understand where she was and our relationship was at the time, it is not a justification or an excuse, I'm pointing out that she is a good person deep down and this was a very ****ty time within our relationship.

 

you probably didn't think she'd cheat at all either, did you?

I didn't at the time, I was full of myself and thought I had her wrapped around my little finger. It was foolish looking back because she basically told me this would happen... for months she'd cry to me on the phone about how this relationship wasn't working for her as an LDR, and it wouldn't last much longer... blah blah. She told me she was lonely, depressed, horny (yep), all to which at the time I said "Meh, just wait till I come visit in 3 months", she said that would be too late.. turns out it was!

 

the dreams and triggers of which you speak that you think might ruin your relationship are not the culprits.

 

her cheating is. If your relationship is ruined, its because she cheated, not because you can't get past it. There'd be nothing to try to get past if she hadn't cheated.

I agree, and this is sort of the problem. when someone makes a mistake, even as serious as this there really is sometimes nothing they can do to correct it. By bringing this up and reminding her I don't make myself feel any better, maybe worse, and she certainly feels worse too. I can suppress my negative feelings to a reasonable degree, but then **** like that dream happen and I'm sort of helpless not to feel this way all over again.

 

I still think about what my x-wife did from time to time, but now that I am no longer with her, the thoughts no longer hurt.

I'm really thankful for this insight, this is precisely what I'm contemplating. If I leave her now will I still be haunted by this... Sounds like at least in your experience it doesn't hurt as much once you're no longer with them...

 

here is something to think about. Even though you don't see this happening again, do you think there will be a time when all of this cools down, not that you won't still have it in the back of your mind, but say 3 or 4 years go by and she gets a comfort zone where she could slip back into cheating.

 

in other words, she is remorseful now because she got caught recently and its all still fresh in both your minds.

 

but there will come a day when it isn't a new issue any longer and might not remember what it feels like to get caught. you don't think she would slip again?

That depends on how the relationship is going. If we are still living together and things are as you put it calm then no, I cannot see her cheating again ever. But this incident has shown me that if things get tough, if we have to be apart for months at a time... or if we're for some reason fighting or at odds or anything negative... there is of course the possibility that she would do this again. I do accept the fact then when she felt lonely and sad this is where she turned... if she ever got that lonely or sad again I have to accept that she might go there again.

 

 

Everyone on this board knows how tough this is. How do you break up with someone you really love, whom you live with, whom you share the majority of your friends with, whom you left your whole family and friends thousands of miles away to be with...

 

I think another issue hurting me is that while I told everyone back East when it happened about this (which turned out to be the right thing to do, since I was able to talk to friends openly about it), no one out here knows about it besides me, her, and the OM. So I have no one to talk to about it... I don't wanna start spreading it either, I'd rather our friends in general not know. I don't want them to pass judgment on either of us (her for cheating, me for being stupid enough to move in with her afterward), so I don't have anyone to talk to about it really (hence why I'm posting here).

 

I'll keep people updated as to what's happening... but right now I still feel as stuck and miserable about this as the day she first told me... some things don't ever really heal...

[norajane]

I do accept the fact then when she felt lonely and sad this is where she turned... if she ever got that lonely or sad again I have to accept that she might go there again.

 

This is one reason I recommend a therapy - for her. Because she needs to learn how to deal with conflict and problems and loneliness and whatnot in a healthier way. Not everyone who is lonely and sad decides that, hey, cheating is the answer! She needs to learn new behaviors and how to make different choices when faced with adversity.

 

So I have no one to talk to about it... I don't wanna start spreading it either, I'd rather our friends in general not know. I don't want them to pass judgment on either of us (her for cheating, me for being stupid enough to move in with her afterward), so I don't have anyone to talk to about it really (hence why I'm posting here).

 

And this is another reason I recommend therapy - for you. You have no one to talk with, so it's coming out in your dreams and causing the thoughts to chase themselves around and around in your head. Speaking to a therapist can be the pressure release valve that gives you that outlet for your thoughts, and a good therapist can help you learn to cope and eventually displace those thoughts.

 

And a marriage counselor can teach you both learn to communicate and deal with your issues more constructively. You say there's nothing she can do to fix things at this point - I think there is. Learning how to be a better partner to you can help.

 

Consider that what you have been doing isn't working and you don't feel better. Why not try something different?

[poizon74]

I think the biggest issue with therapy is I can't afford it. I'm a poor grad student and I'm lucky to be able to make rent, so I just don't think it's in the budget.

 

I do thinking talking with someone would help, and I may yet spill the beans to at least one friend out here. But like I said no one in our circle of friends knows about it, so it's tricky.

 

Also I've gotten to know the OM over the last few months. I never specifically asked her to break communication with him and since he is now engaged and his fiance doesn't know I feel pretty confident around him anyway. I would never hold info like that above someone, but he knows I know and thus just tends to be kind and even submissive when I'm around.

 

That said sometimes when I just hear his name being spoken it makes my heart sink. He's not a bad guy really, he was also going through a rough spot in his own relationship.. but still all my roommates know him so even if my g/f were trying to avoid him he and his finance come to most social events.

 

Ever since this dream I've been pretty depressed, I don't wanna just bring it up to my g/f again because all it's gonna do is make her feel sad and I don't want that. But she's started to notice I've been a little off the last few days. Today on the ride into work she wouldn't let up asking "what's wrong?" and such. Of course I just shrugged it off as nothing...

 

I have to admit how naive I was in forgiving her initially... I NEVER thought this would be this hard or continue to cause me anguish this long after the fact... I'm really convinced and more and more over time that cheating = relationship killer. Even if you end up staying together, what you used to have and cherish is destroyed

[Dexter Morgan]

I agree, and this is sort of the problem. when someone makes a mistake, even as serious as this there really is sometimes nothing they can do to correct it.

 

cheating isn't a mistake. its a conscious decision to gratify oneself with someone else despite the fact they have someone they will hurt in the process.

 

saying that cheating is a mistake is nothing but pure damage control.

 

 

I'm really thankful for this insight, this is precisely what I'm contemplating. If I leave her now will I still be haunted by this

 

oh you might have some grief but in the long run you can look back on this and laugh at her stupidity.

 

but if you stay with her, the thoughts of what she did will hurt and you will never be at peace.

 

find a good woman, and you will, and you'll wonder why you didn't dump her sooner.

 

the first step to healing in a situation like this is to get rid of the source of your pain......in your case, the so-called girlfriend.

 

 

I'll keep people updated as to what's happening... but right now I still feel as stuck and miserable about this as the day she first told me... some things don't ever really heal...

 

you aren't stuck. tell her she needs to move out and start your road to recovery.

[poizon74]

cheating isn't a mistake. its a conscious decision to gratify oneself with someone else despite the fact they have someone they will hurt in the process.

 

saying that cheating is a mistake is nothing but pure damage control.

 

Well I don't really think that makes sense. Cheating isn't a mistake because its a conscious decision? Because you know the consequence ahead of time?

 

Even knowing the consequence and consciously choosing something doesn't mean it's not a mistake. It's a mistake if in your mind you later regret what you did and wish you hadn't done it. It's a mistake if given the chance to do it over you wouldn't.

 

Say someone is drunk, they get in a car and drive and kill someone. I'd bet that person may refer to that decision to drive as something like "the worse mistake in my life". Now, they knew the potential consequence to themselves and others, and they consciously chose to break the law and in danger people. Were they wrong in what they did, hell yeah! But did they want to kill that person? It's doubtful. Did my g/f want to end our relationship? I think that's doubtful too now that she's doing everything in her power to keep us together.

 

People do stupid ****, they know it's wrong, they know it will hurt others, but they do it anyway. Real wisdom comes from learning from your MISTAKES.

 

 

 

oh you might have some grief but in the long run you can look back on this and laugh at her stupidity.

 

but if you stay with her, the thoughts of what she did will hurt and you will never be at peace.

 

find a good woman, and you will, and you'll wonder why you didn't dump her sooner.

 

the first step to healing in a situation like this is to get rid of the source of your pain......in your case, the so-called girlfriend.

 

I will never laugh at what she did. Even if I do leave and find someone else I know I'll always look back on this in sorrow that we weren't able to work through this and we both lost a decade's worth of a relationship, that other than this one incident was filled with great times and fond memories.

 

But I am starting to feel that you are right here, if I stay with her no matter what she or I does I won't ever really be at peace... that's my concern going forward. No matter how good she is to me or how faithful I just won't get the idea of what she did out of my head, and I'll always be at least somewhat unhappy with her.

 

 

 

you aren't stuck. tell her she needs to move out and start your road to recovery.

 

haha well the only thing about this is that I actually live in her house. We rent and have a few roommates and I just signed another year's lease. But I wouldn't let that stop me, and I do have friends nearby now that would put me up until I find a new place... but honestly, I don't want to move out, I don't want to leave her. I want things to be the way they were before... but I know now as time goes on that's probably never going to happen...

[norajane]

I want things to be the way they were before

 

That is not possible.

 

You can't unring a bell, and you can't "forget" what you know about her cheating or erase it as if it never happened.

 

Either you swallow the bitter pill and accept she cheated, or you have to get her out of your life. But getting back the same clear peace of mind you had before being betrayed is not possible.

[aerogurl87]

I cheated on my ex boyfriend, never did it again. He could call me anytime and I'd answer, I was fully honest with him. Granted he went on to cheat on me emotionally and cyber with other girls behind my back before leaving me for someone else, but I did try. Tried for 5 months for nothing. I'd say once someone cheats it's best for the relationship to end for good as that's something you can never fully recover from.

[poizon74]

I know things won't ever be the same again... but that is what I really want... still that just points to me never getting what I want and this just being a matter of time...

 

I cheated on my ex boyfriend, never did it again. He could call me anytime and I'd answer, I was fully honest with him. Granted he went on to cheat on me emotionally and cyber with other girls behind my back before leaving me for someone else, but I did try. Tried for 5 months for nothing. I'd say once someone cheats it's best for the relationship to end for good as that's something you can never fully recover from.

 

I always felt this same way... that is until the love of my life who I have been with for almost 1/3 of my life cheated on me. It's just hard to accept when it really happens to you...

 

What I've learned in all of this is no matter what you ever do to your SO, there is something entirely different and unique about cheating. The deception is huge yes, but there's more to it than that for me...

 

Even with all the BS that sometimes come with relationships, some just have a feeling of righteousness, fate, an almost sacred nature. Some people don't believe in soul mates, but I always did. I think many (maybe most) relationships aren't like this, but when they are and you find and connect with that person... to have it desecrated by them for any reason... it just makes me feel worthless sometimes...

 

guess I'm just a sucker... any other woman in my past could have done this and I would have laughed it off and kicked them to the curb. But sure enough it was the only person I ever truly cared about that did it... sometimes life is a bitch

 

Thanks so much everyone on this forum for talking to me all this while, it's days like these I'm glad there is an internet!

[poizon74]

Well I thought I should post potentially my last update on this for a while.

 

I'm feeling much better today, last night me and my SO had a long chat about all this, my dream and my recent rekindling of this depressing issue. She basically made me tell her the details even though I didn't want to, she knows me too well and could tell I've been troubled the last few days.

 

It's a sad topic so of course we both felt sad talking about it and she was crying the whole time (exactly why I didn't want to talk to her about it all again) but we covered some good ground. I told her that most of the time I'm fine but that this just came up again and that it might continue to come up and she'll just have to live with me being bothered by this from time to time, just like I'll have to live with feeling the pain from time to time if we want to stay together.

 

Probably still the biggest unresolved issue is going forward. I've admitted that at least right now I don't want to marry her (remember we were engaged before all this happened last year). I admitted that I just don't want to become even more committed at this point knowing this is a possibility. That of course made her sad and brought back the whole "what can I do to prove to you..." blah blah. Thing is that she DOES want to get married. Just like I'm now somewhat scared of commitment to her I can tell she's scared to loose me.

 

It was a heavy talk but we both calmed down at the end. Decided that no matter the past or the future we both want to be together now and to just do the best we can going forward.

 

It turned out to be a good night. We then went out to dinner, just the two of us, and then came home, had some drinks and well... no need for details... But suffice to say we both had a good time and felt better after talking about things.

 

Just like I continue to learn that this kind of pain doesn't go away, especially when you're still with said person, I am also learning that if and your partner truly care and are willing to drudge through the ugly past from time to time when necessary you can still have a great relationship.

[Dexter Morgan]

Well I don't really think that makes sense. Cheating isn't a mistake because its a conscious decision? Because you know the consequence ahead of time?

 

yup.

 

a conscious decision that would be considered a mistake would be making a choice on something where you only think it is the right decision, only to find out later it was a mistake.

 

when someone cheats, they know they shouldn't do it, they just do because they want to get their rocks off. They cheat because they WANTED it. They knew it was wrong, they did it anyway.

 

not a mistake.

[poizon74]

yup.

 

a conscious decision that would be considered a mistake would be making a choice on something where you only think it is the right decision, only to find out later it was a mistake.

 

when someone cheats, they know they shouldn't do it, they just do because they want to get their rocks off. They cheat because they WANTED it. They knew it was wrong, they did it anyway.

 

not a mistake.

 

I don't want to belabor this point, and any word's definition is I feel at least somewhat subjective... but I did a quick search on dictionary.com and here's what they give as the first definition of the word 'mistake':

 

"an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc."

 

Now that definition (as you can see) is somewhat broad. Still, I think most would agree that a mistake is an error. If you cheat and don't think it was an error than it wasn't a mistake, you're just scum.

 

As for the reasons, looks what dictionary.com says, caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge... no one should play dumb enough to think there is insufficient knowledge in cheating, you DO know what you're doing for sure I agree. But what was the reasoning behind it? I'm sure it's different in all cases, yet I'm sure the reasoning is poor if the cheat is considered an error. Then finally, if there was no reasoning whatsoever it's likely it was carelessness.

 

So is it careless and/or poorly reasoned to cheat?... most probably... but is it seen as an error afterward?... many times... thus under those circumstances I deem it a mistake

[Mme. Chaucer]

"Once a cheater, always a cheater" is NOT true. It may be true in many cases, but it's not a fact in any way.

 

I also believe in second chances (though I hate cheating and personally, it's a deal breaker for me at this stage of my life), and that if one decides to give a "cheater" another chance, then the onus is upon THEM to be able to forgive and to still love and accept the "cheater."

 

This might be impossible for many of us to do. But it is really only heaping more bad upon bad to continue in a relationship while carrying much anger, resentment, suspicion, jealousy, etc. That is no good for either person.

 

The suggestion about total "policing" is a very bad idea. What kind of a relationship would that be? Terrible for both people.

 

My point to the OP is that if, in your deepest heart you want to make it work with your SO, YOU are going to have to find a way to move past this ... or else let it all go, hard as that may be.

[Dexter Morgan]

So is it careless and/or poorly reasoned to cheat?... most probably... but is it seen as an error afterward?... many times... thus under those circumstances I deem it a mistake

 

if someone didn't know that cheating was wrong before hand and that it was the wrong choice and an error, they they are effed in the head, or simply knew they were doing wrong...they just didn't care because they wanted to gratify themselves with someone other than their committed partner.

 

"I know I'm about to do wrong, but I don't care at this point....I'll get my rocks off and worry about the consequences later"

[carvidep]

When you guys were long distance, she said she couldn't handle it. Did you do anything to try to make it better? Did you make more time for her? Did you keep her up to date with what you were doing on a daily basis? Did you tell her things to make her feel beautiful and wanted? Did she do these things for you?

 

I'm not trying to justify what she did, but in saying that she couldn't handle the LDR she was asking for more attention from you. From an outsider's point of view (mine in particular) it seems that she didn't receive the attention that she was asking for, so she found a small dose of it somewhere else.

 

The things I listed above are not only things that should be done in a LDR, but also in a LR and by both partners. She is now doing those things for you, which is a very good sign in my opinion. I'm just wondering, if you guys trace your steps back to when she cheated, you might get more answers about why it happened, and what you both can do to make it better.