once someone cheats on you what can they do to allow you to forgive them?

[JamesM]

BJ, I think what is being said applies to the thread.

 

If someone cheats once and it sorry, then giving a second chance is not a bad idea. It could turn the relationship into a great one.

 

However, when referring to someone who has cheated over and over, then the situation should be looked at differently.

 

According to the OP, his gf cheated once. Hence our answers should approach her as someone who strayed once and is very sorry for it.

 

So IMO giving her a second chance is appropriate, and choosing to forgive is a good choice. It also appears that the gf has done much to attempt to get back together.

[boldjack]

James, I agree with you about pretty much all that you have said, but that is all immaterial, if the trust issue remains. He is not able to believe that she is a trustworthy person. This is NOT irrational. If she were blameless and had a spotless life, and he THEN mistrusted her, THEN it would be irrational. She has GIVEN him a very rational reason, not to trust her. He is at least being open, and would like to be able to trust her again, and wanted ideas, that would help. Which I explained to him.

[Hkizzle]

He is at least being open, and would like to be able to trust her again, and wanted ideas, that would help. Which I explained to him.

 

"Everything she does, everyone she speaks to, including texting, e-mail, phone, etc. everyplace she goes, has to be approved by or known to you."

 

Yeah, police the crap out of her, that's really going to help.

 

See why our opinions differe now? I'm not the thread police. I think you are, and resent the fact that I dsiagree with you!

[aerogurl87]

I already posted about my situation in the "Long Distance Relationship" thread, so I won't rehash all the details, but basically my g/f (ex finance) cheated on me while we were in an LDR. She never did while we lived together (about 8 years) and now we have moved back together.

 

I know she's sorry about it and she's been nothing but wonderful to me since we've been back together. I honestly don't think she will cheat on me again, like I said I won't get into circumstances (and I know none can justify infidelity) but they are such that if any situation lent itself to forgiveness it's this. - I guess a quick explanation - I told her I would move with her, went back on my word and instead said we'd have to make it an LDR for 4-5 years, she told me time and time again that she couldn't do it, she called me up crying for months that she missed me so badly and couldn't stand living apart, finally she cheated on me but flew out to tell me in person after it happened and says she still really only wants to be with me.

 

But there is a strange thing I'm noticing to cheating... even if realistically I highly doubt she'll ever cheat on my again I can't shake this uneasy feeling, I still don't have complete trust in her like I did...

 

I messed up bad but then moved back with her and it restored her confidence in me. I know she messed up bad and she knows it too, but aside from constant apologies what can she do to help restore my confidence in her?

 

any thoughts? anyone mess up and cheat but find a way to make it up? If so how?

 

I cheated on my ex boyfriend after being in a LDR (although to be honest I now don't regret it because of what he did to me in the end) but I digress. To make it up to him, what did I do? Hmm, well I apologized constantly, put him first in everything, stopped traveling without him (I cheated on him while on vacation), and I stopped going clubbing and drinking for the most part (part of why I cheated involved me getting drunk while at clubbing, so yeah). So I did all that, let him know where I was 24/7 and you know what? He still couldn't shake that uneasy feeling! I went through hell to show him that I would never mess up again and all I got in return was a broken heart when he cheated on me and left me for some random woman he met online.

 

But once again, I digress. The point is that no matter what she does the only person who is going to be able to help you gain confidence and trust in her again is you. The only person stopping you from trusting her is YOU. She's done her part and now you have to do yours or it won't work. My ex didn't want to try after I messed up and so the only person who wanted us to work was me, and in a relationship it takes two to keep the relationship going, one person can't do it alone. So it fell apart like your relationship will fall apart if you don't learn to eventually open up your heart to her and try to learn to trust her again.

[tryagaintoday]

I believe in second chances. And I agree that if both party tried all they can, the relationship may even come out stronger than ever.

 

But I also agree with "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." So we have to show them the door and never look back if they did it a second time.

[You'reasian]

I cheated on my ex boyfriend after being in a LDR (although to be honest I now don't regret it because of what he did to me in the end) but I digress. To make it up to him, what did I do? Hmm, well I apologized constantly, put him first in everything, stopped traveling without him (I cheated on him while on vacation), and I stopped going clubbing and drinking for the most part (part of why I cheated involved me getting drunk while at clubbing, so yeah). So I did all that, let him know where I was 24/7 and you know what? He still couldn't shake that uneasy feeling! I went through hell to show him that I would never mess up again and all I got in return was a broken heart when he cheated on me and left me for some random woman he met online.

 

.

 

That's unfortunate that your cheating destroyed your relationship, but you're a younger gal, so get ready for the ride lol

[boldjack]

Kizzle, I don't think of you at all, unless you address me personally. You seem to have an inflated opinion of yourself. Had you bothered to read my WHOLE post, you would have read that this total transparency should only last for a finite amount of time. Until either A) she has proven her trustworthiness, to the OP's satisfaction or B) the OP realizes that his trust will never return, no matter what she does. At that point a split up is the probable result.

[boldjack]

Do you have kids ? Teenagers? WS are in no way like kids. As far as the rest of what you said.............................................

[aerogurl87]

That's unfortunate that your cheating destroyed your relationship' date=' but you're a younger gal, so get ready for the ride lol[/quote']

 

It's all good, he turned out to be a total jerk anyway and a complete hypocrite because apparently it was ok for him to flirt, have cyber sex with (and sometimes even plan to meet in real life) with girls he met online. Yet my cheating that happened once and that I came clean about the very next day after it happened, was oh so utterly wrong. But he hid what he was doing from me and then had the nerve to say I should just accept it and not get mad, but I was a whore and he was a saint. Yeah I'm not disappointed that I cheated on him at all anymore.

[JamesM]

The only way this will work it is if "policing" occurs, but not in the sense that the WS is interrogated and followed. It can only work if the WS willingly and openly lets the BS know everything about what he or she does. It can only work if the WS lets the BS keep tabs on every activity and and reveals every location at all times.

 

Trust can only be built if it is reinforced by experiences that prove it to be true.

[SueBee3490]

My bf and I were in a LDR when he cheated on me. I've posted this many times before - I married him without knowing about all the cheating. Even after marrying, I don't think he cheated again - I did check on him a few times and nothing seemed to show it - I could be wrong though. I just couldn't get past it though and trust him again. He seemed remorseful but it was me that just couldn't seem to get that trust back. Maybe it was because he cheated more than once whereas with you, she only cheated once and also told you about it. Mine didn't tell me, I had to snoop to find out what he'd been doing. When I first found out even though I loved him so much, I knew it would never be the same. I didn't want to spend my life wondering what he was doing.

[FryFish]

I dont know how to start trusting again... But I do have a bit of experience with the problem... I found out my ex had cheated well after the fact... and more with more than a single person... not at the same time. She is young and I always knew going into the relationship that that was probably going to be why we werent going to work. However, a year went by and I started to believe that we were the exception. To the point though, found out about cheating; and I believe she is honestly sorry and super regretful. I love her and she really loves me. She proves that to me every day still. Being in love made it really hard for me to do the hard/smart thing and cut my losses so I started giving her ultimatums that I didnt think were all that realistic, one of which was COMPLETE transparency... She gave it to me. I mean, she made a list with ALL of her accounts and passwords to everything she uses. Phone, internet, bank, school you name it and I could access it. She even gave me a way of locating her phone from online.

 

She really wanted to go back to a time when I fully trusted her. For about 4 months I followed EVERYTHING she did. She loved the attention from me and not once displayed any aggravation at my complete and total insecurities. The transparency helped me to trust that she was telling the truth at first but after a while I started to wonder how she would act if I wasnt ALWAYS aware of what she was doing and thinking... So I started giving her a little bit more space at a time. Not enough to realistically cheat again but enough that I could figure out if I was actually starting to trust her again. Something inside me would not let go of the suspicion. My brain would create utterly stupid scenarios in which she was cheating if I couldnt account for her for nearly ANY amount of time... even just 10 minutes... and it just got worse and worse. So transparency might not help you to relieve the nagging feeling.

 

After a lot of thought I decided I loved her but couldnt keep punishing her by way of being her overbearing boyfriend. I ended it. We still see each other a lot but now that we arent in a relationship I find that I trust her more now. That might be because, from an evolutionary POV, I dont have a dog in this fight anymore.

 

If we end up officially getting back together I am thinking that I can write off our first relationship as a "past relationship" in my mind and start actually believing her in my gut again. Rationally I dont have any reason to not believe what she tells me and I havent since the day I became betrayed... but my gut would not let it go. Now it is starting to...

 

So that is my advice to the OP. Start over... for real. Maybe with her or maybe not.

[You'reasian]

It's all good, he turned out to be a total jerk anyway and a complete hypocrite because apparently it was ok for him to flirt, have cyber sex with (and sometimes even plan to meet in real life) with girls he met online. Yet my cheating that happened once and that I came clean about the very next day after it happened, was oh so utterly wrong. But he hid what he was doing from me and then had the nerve to say I should just accept it and not get mad, but I was a whore and he was a saint. Yeah I'm not disappointed that I cheated on him at all anymore.

 

It seems like he decided he was single the moment he found out you cheated on him - which explains why he behaved the way he did.

 

I can kind of relate. Cheating is a good indication that you're no longer interested in being in a committed relationship - now open relationship is another story.

[boldjack]

Aerogirl, yes your ex was a jerk. But the bottom line is that you cheated, he didn't, so work from that.

[desertmoon]

once someone cheats on you waht can they do to allow you to forgive them?

 

Nothing. You just redefine what they mean to you.

[poizon74]

these are some good posts, thanks all for responding.

 

we've been back together now for about 2 weeks and things have been going rather well.

 

the fear/insecurity i'm feeling is somewhat irrational. what i was/am asking is how to get over this feeling. i don't think following her around (in one way or another) is the answer. knowing her and the way things happened i honestly am not worried about her cheating on me again. but even feeling that way it's like i lost some kind of respect or something for her.. i donno exactly, it's strange.

 

we were engaged for a few years before we started the LDR and when we broke up we broke off the engagement. when we decided to get back together i explicitly said that i no longer wanted to get married. i remember this made her cry but it's how i honestly feel. somehow her being just my girlfriend is so much easier to forgive than if i think of her as my finance... now that we're living together again she's already said that she wants more commitment back (aka engagement etc). i'm really still kind of a mess when it comes to this... when i search my heart i do still really only want to be with her, and i still see her as being my wife/the mother of my children one day... but i can't seem to let myself commit the way i did before.

 

it was said (and i think maybe it's right) that this is really something i have to figure out on my own for me. but that said if i left her to figure things out on her own we probably wouldn't be together anymore. when i left she lost faith in me, when she cheated and i broke up with her and broke off our engagement she just accepted that things were over. it wasn't until I actually called her up, flew out to see her, and now moved out here with her that i restored her trust in me. im just wondering now, since i've tried to get past this on my own unsuccessfully for months now, if indeed SHE needs to do something to restore my trust in her. i donno what it is though... she tells me she loves me all the time. she calls me and tells me what she's doing anyway all the time.. when we go out she always stays close, she's very affectionate in public and private. she's basically been the perfect girlfriend since we've been back together (and was nearly the perfect girlfriend back when we were first together).

 

I also NEVER asked her to stop talking to the guy she cheated on me with, but she has anyway. i did see him once since i've been here (he's in my g/f's circle of friends and he was at this large meet up at a bar last week). i remember thinking so much what i would say if i saw him... how when i heard his name id get all depressed and like my heart was breaking all over again... but when i actually saw him i saw fear in his eyes and even felt sort of empowered. the dude is sort of a weasel i think and he's with his g/f of many years who doesnt know he cheated and he knows i know...

 

anyway thats besides the point.... what i'm saying in this post is this: i don't think a cheating scenario could possibly lend itself to forgiveness more than this. cheating is VERY serious, it still hurts everyday.. but reading others posts and listening to friend's advice from their experiences i realize how truly different mine is than most. she is not a liar, she is not a cheater by nature, it was in an LDR which she did admit throughout she never wanted and could handle from the start, she's been fantastic since the incident and i couldn't really ask for much more from her, and the bottom line is i love her more than anything else in the world.

 

now all that said why do i still cry when i think about what happened? why do i still get twisted and choked up when i hear about someone cheating or even just typical relationship talk? maybe i should retitle this thread to: "how do you get over cheating when you really want to?"

 

i dont want to feel this way anymore and think eventually no matter how good things are i'll crack if something inside me doesn't let go. how the **** do i let go? if there's nothing she can do is there anything i can do?

[boldjack]

OP, read your own posts again. You are always reacting to her. You have convinced yourself that all the problems of the relationship were your fault, you are alwys looking for ways that YOU can make it better for her. You are a doormat. She is the cheater, but you are being punished. She has gotten everything she wanted. The relationship is now on her terms, she got to have an affair, she doesn't have to do anything to show that she is remorseful, she even still gets to see the affair partner any time she wants. What have you gotten, in return? She almost certainly will cheat again, because you have been a weakling, and women do not respect weaklings. Isn't it better to be a lion without her , than a whipped dog, with her? BTW you have convinced yourself that your scenerio is "different", from all other cheating scenerios, it's not at all. The same dynamics apply. Man-up

[Jaspe_Loco]

I already posted about my situation in the "Long Distance Relationship" thread, so I won't rehash all the details, but basically my g/f (ex finance) cheated on me while we were in an LDR. She never did while we lived together (about 8 years) and now we have moved back together.

 

I know she's sorry about it and she's been nothing but wonderful to me since we've been back together. I honestly don't think she will cheat on me again, like I said I won't get into circumstances (and I know none can justify infidelity) but they are such that if any situation lent itself to forgiveness it's this. - I guess a quick explanation - I told her I would move with her, went back on my word and instead said we'd have to make it an LDR for 4-5 years, she told me time and time again that she couldn't do it, she called me up crying for months that she missed me so badly and couldn't stand living apart, finally she cheated on me but flew out to tell me in person after it happened and says she still really only wants to be with me.

 

But there is a strange thing I'm noticing to cheating... even if realistically I highly doubt she'll ever cheat on my again I can't shake this uneasy feeling, I still don't have complete trust in her like I did...

 

I messed up bad but then moved back with her and it restored her confidence in me. I know she messed up bad and she knows it too, but aside from constant apologies what can she do to help restore my confidence in her?

 

any thoughts? anyone mess up and cheat but find a way to make it up? If so how?

 

I never got over my wife cheating on me. I guess in part was how I found out. She only told me because she thought a friend of ours was about to rat on her. Then when she told me who it was, I was floored. I thought it would be a different guy. Turns out she had slept with both of them. She played the "Jesus saved me" card and I stayed, but the resentment never went away. Especially the accusations that I was cheating on her when, at the time, I never considered it. That was ten years ago. A few years ago, she came close, if she didn't do it. I eventually filed for divorce, but she played the "Salvation" card again and I didn't have the guts to follow through with it.

 

The bottom line is, had we had something in our relationship to build upon... some good times, I think we could have overcome it. We didn't. No matter how hard I tried to find the happy times, there just was one miserable experience after another. The only time in our marriage we were happy, was when she was pregnant. The happiness ended shortly after that.

 

So, in a nutshell, look over your relationship and try to see if there is something you can build upon. You can't erase bad moments in a relationship, but I believe it's possible to have enough good moments to make the bad ones hardly noticeable.

[seibert253]

To REBUILD or REEARN trust it involves a few things.

 

1. Complete honesty about EVERYTHING

2. Complete transparency about EVERYTHING, emails, cellphones, FB, MS

3. Total NC with the OP

4. Remorse and sorrow about what occurred

5. 100% commitment, (from both BS and WS) to repair the relationship

 

without these, trust will never return.

[Space Ritual]

these are some good posts, thanks all for responding.

 

we've been back together now for about 2 weeks and things have been going rather well.

 

the fear/insecurity i'm feeling is somewhat irrational. what i was/am asking is how to get over this feeling. i don't think following her around (in one way or another) is the answer. knowing her and the way things happened i honestly am not worried about her cheating on me again. but even feeling that way it's like i lost some kind of respect or something for her.. i donno exactly, it's strange.

 

we were engaged for a few years before we started the LDR and when we broke up we broke off the engagement. when we decided to get back together i explicitly said that i no longer wanted to get married. i remember this made her cry but it's how i honestly feel. somehow her being just my girlfriend is so much easier to forgive than if i think of her as my finance... now that we're living together again she's already said that she wants more commitment back (aka engagement etc). i'm really still kind of a mess when it comes to this... when i search my heart i do still really only want to be with her, and i still see her as being my wife/the mother of my children one day... but i can't seem to let myself commit the way i did before.

 

it was said (and i think maybe it's right) that this is really something i have to figure out on my own for me. but that said if i left her to figure things out on her own we probably wouldn't be together anymore. when i left she lost faith in me, when she cheated and i broke up with her and broke off our engagement she just accepted that things were over. it wasn't until I actually called her up, flew out to see her, and now moved out here with her that i restored her trust in me. im just wondering now, since i've tried to get past this on my own unsuccessfully for months now, if indeed SHE needs to do something to restore my trust in her. i donno what it is though... she tells me she loves me all the time. she calls me and tells me what she's doing anyway all the time.. when we go out she always stays close, she's very affectionate in public and private. she's basically been the perfect girlfriend since we've been back together (and was nearly the perfect girlfriend back when we were first together).

 

I also NEVER asked her to stop talking to the guy she cheated on me with, but she has anyway. i did see him once since i've been here (he's in my g/f's circle of friends and he was at this large meet up at a bar last week). i remember thinking so much what i would say if i saw him... how when i heard his name id get all depressed and like my heart was breaking all over again... but when i actually saw him i saw fear in his eyes and even felt sort of empowered. the dude is sort of a weasel i think and he's with his g/f of many years who doesnt know he cheated and he knows i know...

 

anyway thats besides the point.... what i'm saying in this post is this: i don't think a cheating scenario could possibly lend itself to forgiveness more than this. cheating is VERY serious, it still hurts everyday.. but reading others posts and listening to friend's advice from their experiences i realize how truly different mine is than most. she is not a liar, she is not a cheater by nature, it was in an LDR which she did admit throughout she never wanted and could handle from the start, she's been fantastic since the incident and i couldn't really ask for much more from her, and the bottom line is i love her more than anything else in the world.

 

now all that said why do i still cry when i think about what happened? why do i still get twisted and choked up when i hear about someone cheating or even just typical relationship talk? maybe i should retitle this thread to: "how do you get over cheating when you really want to?"

 

i dont want to feel this way anymore and think eventually no matter how good things are i'll crack if something inside me doesn't let go. how the **** do i let go? if there's nothing she can do is there anything i can do?

 

 

Jesus, stop with thinking your situation is unique, thats a total cop out.

 

So you moved to where SHE IS?

She is still in the same circle of friends with the guy she boned?

The only thing that is unique is that you caved and did this. This restored her trust in YOU? LMAO!!! Listen to what you are saying!

It spells one long word on your forehead...DOORMAT!

 

 

Do yourself a favor and dump her. Yeah you love her, yeah we all loved those that cheated on us. But you are going out of your way to get screwed over again.

 

Dude, we all think our situation is unique at first, but in reality it isn't. We simply love people who are truly incapable of loving us back the way we deserve.

 

You need to man up and leave her for good. If you don't, You'll be posting here in a few months while listening to Michael Martin Murphy's "Wildfire" in the background and a 5th of whiskey at your side telling us that she demanded a commitment, and then when your worries got in the way she went out and found this guy again

[road]

To rebuild trust she has to show she is now being trustful

 

Their must be NC with the OM.

 

If that means new circle of friends, then new circle of friends.

 

OM GF needs to be told. So OM will be monitored by her to stay away from your GF.

 

GF must give access to all internet and cell accounts with their passwords. Ability to monitor NC rebuilds trust.

 

Keylogger on computer, do not tell her. Again, ability to monitor NC rebuilds trust.

 

Get her a cell phone with real time GPS. Again, ability to monitor NC rebuilds trust.

[Untouchable_Fire]

The problem with us was the distance, and now it's gone. But now I still have some kind of resentment or trust issue or... I donno honestly what the **** it is... but I'm just wondering if anyone has a success story about how they at least "helped" the person they cheated on get over it

 

She has to find some way to show you that she still respects you.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

My WW cheated on me when we were first dating 24 years ago.

I justified her cheating as you did.

I blamed my lack of commitment on it.

I blamed that she was on vacation on it.

I didn't really say to myself....well, I have got a cheater for a girl.

 

I forgave her, but I lacked trust for a while.

 

Years later, we got engaged, and she had a druken ONS during that engagement. Again, I blamed myself for many reasons, not her.

 

I forgave again and moved on...at that point we had so much time invested.

 

Fast forward another 12 years....this time ..... she had a six month affair.

 

Before this, I never really believed 'once a cheater, always a cheater', but unfortunatly, now I do.

Not because of my experience, but of many books I have read and research since this last affair.

 

If someone cheats early in the relationship.....it is very, very likely that it will happen again over the next 40 years!

 

I can assure you, the next time will make this seem like a walk in the park.

 

Did you ever cheat on her?

[poizon74]

Well I'm back...

 

The fact that I'm back again looking at this site and posting is an indication that things aren't peachy, but for now it's all internal to me.

 

After moving here I suffered a pretty serious injury (back in November). My SO was great about it, she stayed every night in the hospital with me, took care of me for a long time while I recovered (I am finally just about back to normal now BTW). During this time I felt very lucky to have her with me, I think if there was ever an opportunity to cheat again that would have been the perfect time.. but instead she never went out, never hung out with friends, just stayed with me the whole time. Over New Years she invited everyone to our place so I could join in instead of going out. I let her know how much I appreciated it.

 

On the outside things have been fine. I know no one on here knows her and rereading some of the responses it's very obvious. I'll say again that as time goes on I realize more and more that she is not a typical cheater. I know I was flamed for saying my situation was unique and was told by several people it wasn't. But consider that we had been together faithfully for about 8 years before this whole mess happened. I do understand where people say that it is a sign and it will come back and probably worse, I'm not denying that possibility, but I just don't see it in her.

 

Also as time has gone on her remorse whenever I bring this up is apparent and often extreme. I do still talk to her at times as to how I feel about this but it always puts her in tears instantly and she goes through this same speech again about how sorry she is... and how you can't take back the past.. and she'd do anything blah blah... I can feel the sincerity in her words but they don't actually comfort me.

 

I'm back because after all this, even my near death experience and now getting my life back on track and things coming together so very well... these thoughts never escape me. Last night I had a dream where we basically went through this whole scenario again (I've had a couple dreams like this), and when I woke this morning I was just a mental mess and have been all day.

 

I really don't want to let this ruin my relationship. Like I said before we both love each other and I've known her so long, I know her so well... I can see what happened in the past and even though I hate it it makes sense to me, and going forward I can't see it just happening again... but it really doesn't matter.

 

Even when I consciously think I've gotten over this my dreams creep up to remind me I haven't. I'm starting to think I'll never get over it no matter what she does. So that basically my options are to live with her and deal with this despair throughout somehow, or let go of the woman I love...

 

Hard thoughts... I'm not thinking of breaking up with her now... I really don't want to... but I also know I don't deserve to be constantly haunted by this feeling.

 

I don't have any more questions, at this point I don't think anyone else can help me, I just wanted to share an update since I'm feeling rather down today...

[norajane]

I'd say it is time to see a therapist - one for you, and one for both of you together to help deal with the fallout of the her cheating.