Tired of creep in work

[Angel1111]

You would not believe his lack of social skills. I mean, my friends told him to leave me alone, this is the workplace not a pick up joint and that what he is doing is harassment. What did he do? Come over to my desk, persistently demand to speak to me "alone outside" and refuse to leave.

That's what creeped me out- what if I was in a nightclub and he decided to touch me, and decided he wasn't taking "no" for an answer?

When he was talking about all these girls that he was going to ask out (he refers to them as "options" and "prospects"), we raised the point with him that he had no idea if any of these girls were interested in him and that this is something he should establish before pursuing somebody. He cannot comprehend the fact that not every woman is a "prospect" and doesn't give a crap if his attentions are wanted or not. When he asked for my phone number and I said no, his response was to ask again, and he got quite indignant about it. He seems to think he is entitled to pursue women no matter what.

 

I know. I could tell by your original post what he's made of and it worries me. Getting really close to you, becoming indignant, being overly persistent, and disregarding your requests over and over - these are signs of serious instability. He was probably talking about other women in front of you hoping it would make you jealous. As you say, he obviously thinks of women as objects, and if he continues to get frustrated and doesn't get his way, he's probably capable of anything.

 

But, then again, with him being a musician and all, I'm probably making too much of it and you probably have nothing to worry about. Because we all know that musicians are some of the most stable people in the world, right?

[Yoshi1]

I know. I could tell by your original post what he's made of and it worries me. Getting really close to you, becoming indignant, being overly persistent, and disregarding your requests over and over - these are signs of serious instability. He was probably talking about other women in front of you hoping it would make you jealous. As you say, he obviously thinks of women as objects, and if he continues to get frustrated and doesn't get his way, he's probably capable of anything.

 

But, then again, with him being a musician and all, I'm probably making too much of it and you probably have nothing to worry about. Because we all know that musicians are some of the most stable people in the world, right?

 

The way he stares too. It gives me the creeps. I mean today the entire time I was talking to two guys about work he was standing in his cubicle, staring over the wall at me. I looked over at him twice and both times he was staring. In his weird little mind he probably thought I was trying to make him jealous or something.

 

PS Chris Brown is quite a catch eh? Oh and Eminem. Who says chivalry is dead?

[You'reasian]

I know. I could tell by your original post what he's made of and it worries me. Getting really close to you, becoming indignant, being overly persistent, and disregarding your requests over and over - these are signs of serious instability. He was probably talking about other women in front of you hoping it would make you jealous. As you say, he obviously thinks of women as objects, and if he continues to get frustrated and doesn't get his way, he's probably capable of anything.

 

But, then again, with him being a musician and all, I'm probably making too much of it and you probably have nothing to worry about. Because we all know that musicians are some of the most stable people in the world, right?

 

Unfortunately the most famous musicians aren't always the most stable. Kany West's demonstration wasn't cool.

[You'reasian]

Phil Spektor and Ike Turner are musicians, how wonderful they are to women right?!

 

Cultural beliefs, religious background, upbringing and personality have alot to do with how men treat women.

[You'reasian]

Unfortunately the most famous musicians aren't always the most stable. Kany West's demonstration wasn't cool.

 

I don't think this makes him a thug though.

[You'reasian]

Phil Spektor and Ike Turner are musicians, how wonderful they are to women right?!

 

I know, I know Snoop Dogg, Dre, 50 cent and alot of popular artists talk alot about B@tches and h03s, but honestly if anyone listening to them can keep their wits about them and not imitate them too much, I don't see it being an issue.

[You'reasian]

How about you actually respond to the problem and not keep trying to figure out where the OP is from, it has nothing to do with anything. It's incredibly unhelpful and rude.

 

I agree, it might have been a bit sharp.

 

It was in response to Yoshi's remark about having a non-American among us, the fact that she might not be one is ok. Diversity is a wonderful thing about our country.

[Angel1111]

Yoshi, keep us posted on what 'el creepo' does tomorrow. Be safe, sweetie.

[You'reasian]

I have never ONCE shown any interest in learning to play the violin. I only know about him teaching it because someone else mentioned it in passing.

Do you think harassing someone for a date is an acceptable way for a violin instuctor to gain a student?

 

I see. So, you don't know that he teaches or plays violin - someone else told you.

 

I'd still tell him to piss off.

 

Best of luck!

[Yoshi1]

Yoshi, keep us posted on what 'el creepo' does tomorrow. Be safe, sweetie.

 

I will, and thank you for all your help.

[Angel1111]

I will, and thank you for all your help.

 

No prob.

[griffinchicken53]

he may not see that he has "crossed a line". if he has no social skills maybe he thinks it is acceptable.

maybe he is doing as he has seen other guys do in talking to women, or meeting women, getting to date women, etc. where they have "lucked out" and the woman is well receiving of the other guy, maybe he can't comprehend that it isn't working out for him. maybe he feels the need to "step it up" a notch.

i'm not condoning his behavior, he has issues. he needs help. maybe people telling him to "back away from you" he takes as a personal attack that people don't want him to date or have a social life and feels like the world is against him.

i'm very sorry this happened. i'm speaking from experience. i made a girl uncomfortable, and of course when i found out i severed all contact, i felt horrible. i had lots of people go off on me about it and was publicly humiliated. i tried to act as i had seen other guys act and they were well received. i had a hard-time understanding this. i have many social inadequacies and i've wanted to talk to people one-on-one, because lots of people around i tend to shy out of conversations.

i wasn't a helpless victim, i brought it on myself. but trying to pull some good out of that situation and maybe can help others.

you may have to take it to human resources at your job. if he's not bothering you and moves on to someone else, he may start bothering them.

[bhweller]

it is perfectly within her rights to avoid this guy, but just because a guy is "creepy" doesn't mean he is dangerous. "creepy" just means she really doesn't like him, its not a real character trait. Thats ok, but don't demonize the guy if it isn't necessary. Think back to high school if you ever had a nerd hitting on you it didn't mean that he was a serial killer. If the guy is pestering you at work just complain to human resources.

[Angel1111]

it is perfectly within her rights to avoid this guy, but just because a guy is "creepy" doesn't mean he is dangerous. "creepy" just means she really doesn't like him, its not a real character trait. Thats ok, but don't demonize the guy if it isn't necessary. Think back to high school if you ever had a nerd hitting on you it didn't mean that he was a serial killer. If the guy is pestering you at work just complain to human resources.

 

It's not relevant to her whether he's actually harmless or not. It's simply in her best interest to avoid him because he scares her. There are too many people these days who are quite willing to resort to violence and it's not worth the risk. Her instincts are telling her to steer clear. She needs to steer clear.

[boogieboy]

I hope you learned from this Yoshi.

 

If a guy keeps hitting on you that you dont like, you have to tell him straight up right away that youre not interested.

 

You cant hint around, guys dont take hints.

 

You cant make up excuses, they will think you mean for them to try again at another time.

 

You cant worry about being nice so you dont feel guilty.

 

You have to be straight up immediatly, and every time, otherwise your failure nip the situation in the bud will get you in this situation again.

 

Why cant women just tell guys straight up that they arent interested? Thats all a guy wants to hear. Oh yeah, they dont want everyone to think theyre a bad person. The problem will never stop.

[You'reasian]

I hope you learned from this Yoshi.

 

If a guy keeps hitting on you that you dont like, you have to tell him straight up right away that youre not interested.

 

You cant hint around, guys dont take hints.

 

You cant make up excuses, they will think you mean for them to try again at another time.

 

You cant worry about being nice so you dont feel guilty.

 

You have to be straight up immediatly, and every time, otherwise your failure nip the situation in the bud will get you in this situation again.

 

Why cant women just tell guys straight up that they arent interested? Thats all a guy wants to hear. Oh yeah, they dont want everyone to think theyre a bad person. The problem will never stop.

 

I agree with this post. Most women usually have a line that they use, usually it has to do with mentioning their boyfriend - and that they are happy etc.

 

What's a straight forward line the OP can use?

 

I'm not interested in meeting anyone

 

or

 

I don't date where I work

[Yoshi1]

Right, so an update..

Yesterday evening myself and a colleague from my department (Dept A) were leaving the office. A few of us were going to the pub at the ground floor of our office block. He was standing putting paper in the shredder and as we walked past him he looked up but I just looked away. We stopped to talk to another girl and asked her would she like to join us in the pub. She told us that she was going with her department (Dept B, same one as this guy works in) and she'd see us down there. The creepy guy looked over and clearly heard her but he is not usually sociable so I figured it didn't matter. When we got there, we find a guy from Dept B sitting at a table by himself. He said he was holding the seats for his colleagues so we went out to the patio.

We there there for a few mins when the creepy guy exited the office block door and stopped and looked at us sitting out at the patio. I looked away as soon as I saw him as he caught me off guard, I usually try to avoid eye contact with him. I figured he wouldn't come into the pub because he wouldn't usually be that sociable. Next thing he appears out at our table and sits down with our department! I was really surprised because he doesn't know any of us very well and his own department were in the pub, why didnt he sit with them? He kept looking at me throughout the group conversation but I avoided eye contact. I was talking about something at one stage and he tried to butt in but I just pretended not to hear him. The people from my department know what is going on and afterwards I was talking with one of them about him, she thinks that he cannot read people at all and lives in his own world, which is true!

 

At this point I am worrying that he will complain about me in work. Technically he cannot complain about the pub situation as that was after hours but I worry he will complain I am being hostile etc. I would be happy to be professional and speak to him about work matters but I do not deal with him at all during the course of my day so prefer to keep my distance.

[Angel1111]

If he complains about you at work, then what do you think will happen? I think it's most likely apparent to everyone around there that he's not normal. Besides, there's no rule that says you have to socialize or make small talk with others. You're there to work. If he complains and a manager or someone talks to you about it, that's perfect. It gives you the opportunity to let them know that you're just an inch away from reporting filing harassment.

 

Don't let this guy get you in fear. That's exactly what he wants. You're doing fine by not talking to him or making eye contact.

 

Maybe the next time something like that happens, you can have a plan set up in advance. Let your friends know that if he shows up, you're going to have to leave and go somewhere else. I know it hinders your fun but after you do that a few times, he'll stop showing up because he won't get any pay-off from it.

[You'reasian]

Right, so an update..

Yesterday evening myself and a colleague from my department (Dept A) were leaving the office. A few of us were going to the pub at the ground floor of our office block. He was standing putting paper in the shredder and as we walked past him he looked up but I just looked away. We stopped to talk to another girl and asked her would she like to join us in the pub. She told us that she was going with her department (Dept B, same one as this guy works in) and she'd see us down there. The creepy guy looked over and clearly heard her but he is not usually sociable so I figured it didn't matter. When we got there, we find a guy from Dept B sitting at a table by himself. He said he was holding the seats for his colleagues so we went out to the patio.

We there there for a few mins when the creepy guy exited the office block door and stopped and looked at us sitting out at the patio. I looked away as soon as I saw him as he caught me off guard, I usually try to avoid eye contact with him. I figured he wouldn't come into the pub because he wouldn't usually be that sociable. Next thing he appears out at our table and sits down with our department! I was really surprised because he doesn't know any of us very well and his own department were in the pub, why didnt he sit with them? He kept looking at me throughout the group conversation but I avoided eye contact. I was talking about something at one stage and he tried to butt in but I just pretended not to hear him. The people from my department know what is going on and afterwards I was talking with one of them about him, she thinks that he cannot read people at all and lives in his own world, which is true!

 

At this point I am worrying that he will complain about me in work. Technically he cannot complain about the pub situation as that was after hours but I worry he will complain I am being hostile etc. I would be happy to be professional and speak to him about work matters but I do not deal with him at all during the course of my day so prefer to keep my distance.

 

Let the guy join your group. Be polite. Be professional.

 

Start a conversation about whatever - gradually bring up the topic of dating and make it a big, giant, freeking point that you don't date where you work. Ask him what he thinks about this? Then explain why you think the way you do about it. Go toe to toe and deal with it upfront.

 

You don't care who it is - reason being is that you think it unprofessional, unproductive unless of course you've overtly expressed interest in male colleagues in the past.

 

If you have a record of hooking up with male colleagues in your office, the hostility argument could hold more water - add to it any instances of you taunting the guy.

 

Did you give him your phone number?

[Joie de Vivre]

Sorry, this is a long one!

First off some background, I'm temping in a multinational company and am there a number of months now.

 

There is a guy in our office who is a little strange, to say the least. He asked me out for drinks months ago and I said no, as I was busy. I am not at attracted to this guy and anyway I had a boyfriend. I am friends with some of our mutual coworkers and he likes to tell them all these stories about girls he likes. The guy has no social skills whatsoever and we would try to give him advice because he is attracted to anything with a pulse but is so bad socially that he never has a girlfriend (he's in his 30s so has had plenty of time to live in the real world). We noticed that some of the things he said were a little creepy but we just laughed it off because we figured he has so few social skills he probably meant well.

I thought it was all a bit of fun and I used to chat to him on our office's IM program, just about rubbish.

However the messages began to get a little too familiar. I barely knew the guy and he started asking me could we go somewhere alone as he wanted to talk to me alone about a girl he likes. I barely knew him and although talking to him about these girls was fun with the others, I didn't want to become his personal agony aunt. I said no, I was busy. He'd then ask if we could discuss it over drinks after work. I said no, I was busy. He kept asking and I just started saying no, period. As he was so adamant we go off alone together (and he always specified "alone", I raised the question of why couldn't he say it over IM and he said he was worried the messages would be recorded and someone could read them. Fair enough I thought.

However the messages began getting more and more frequent. He's ask me out several times a day, I would always say no. I would be trying to do my work and I'd be getting this stream of crap. One time in person, he asked me for my private mobile number and I said no. He asked for it again twice during the remainder of the conversation, and still I said no.

 

At this point he had told our coworker friends that he really liked a girl in the office but she kept saying no when he asked her out. They told him to leave her alone as he may be making her feel uncomfortable.

I was getting tired of the messages and I was beginning to get really tired of his insistence that we should go off alone together. I was unaware of him telling my friends that he was hitting on a girl in the office and I told them that he was sending me messages constantly asking me out. I didn't want to officially complain to management so I asked them to have a word with him. They did, and told him that I was not interested and that he should not pursue co-workers like that as it is not professional and that some girls would consider it sexual harassment. He admitted that the girl he liked was me and they told him that I was not interested and to leave me alone. His excuse was "oh sometimes she says she's busy, I thought she was just busy" and they told him that "busy" is just politeness and that as I was repeatedly "busy" and never suggested another time, "busy", along with my frequent "no"'s, meant just that- "No".

They even brought up the subject in front of me- "So X do you understand that when a girl like Y (me) says no, that means no?".

Obviosuly he didn't listen because he remained as bad as ever. I was really, really feeling uncomfortable at this stage because by now he was standing really close to me when he spoke to me, and he kept staring at me. My friends told him again to leave me alone because if he did something like this to the wrong girl he could be reported.

About 5 minutes later I was talking to one of my friends at my desk, it was 5pm and we were just chatting before leaving the office. He came over to my desk in a huff and asked could we talk outside alone. I told him no, I was talking to my friend. He asked again, and I told him no, I was busy. He asked several more times and I kept saying NO. My friend told him to leave me alone and he said "Fine, I'm not going to speak to any of you again" and stormed off.

At that stage I decided to block him from my IM/email as I do not deal with him professionally and I really was well and truly tired of the messages. For the next 2 weeks he blanked me and my friends (who he has to deal with directly) and would just leave files etc on their desk without saying a word.

The other day I was in the canteen and he came in and apologised for making me feel uncomfortable. I decided to try and be professional so i just said OK. However it seems he now thinks we should be "friends" again. I make minimal small talk with him because he gives me the creeps. Today I was near his desk and said hello to someone near him. When I passed him he was standing up. He looked at me but I just kept going. I was talking to a co-worker at the other side of the office for about 10 minutes about a spreadsheet and for the entire conversation this guy was standing at his desk, staring over at me, across the entire floor. Needless to say this gave me the creeps.

 

At this stage if he keeps this stuff up I am going to report him. I really don't want to, because he could easily just say he was just being friendly and I'm being hostile to him. Also, these things have a habit of becoming the scandal of the office and I don't want to be part of that. Obviously a few people already know, but only because I told them. I don't want to be the girl that guys are afraid to talk to in case she reports them for harassment! But I'm really sick of it. I have tried to give him the benefit of the doubt but he was told 3 times not to pester me and his response was to come to my desk and... pester me. Even someone with the worst social skills should know that No means NO.

Because I am worried that it may end up being my word against his, I have actually unblocked him from the IM/email. This is so that if he starts sending me more messages, I can tell him in writing that he is making me uncomfortable. That way at least if I do report him and he denies it, I can show my manager in black and white that I told him to leave me alone and he wouldn't. Has anyone got any advice? Sorry for the long post!

 

 

I almost thought you were one of my co-workers !! I also work in a multinational company.. and there was this one co-worker who was exactly as you describe. no social skills, creepy, and likes anyone with a pulse. a bit stalker-ish too. I remember he had a crush on one of my co-worker, she couldn't take it and had to talk to her mentor. nonetheless, she was able to be put in projects that didn't involve him or she was able to work on-site sometimes at a client.

 

after he found out her mentor had known everything -- he backed off. Her mentor is a senior manger and had a lot of influence in our department.

 

so my suggestion is, if you have a mentor or someone you trust (and has the power to help you) you should talk to them about your situation. that way if things get too out of hand, your mentor/whoever you talked to can help you sit down with HR. don't do this alone.

[Yoshi1]

I almost thought you were one of my co-workers !! I also work in a multinational company.. and there was this one co-worker who was exactly as you describe. no social skills, creepy, and likes anyone with a pulse. a bit stalker-ish too. I remember he had a crush on one of my co-worker, she couldn't take it and had to talk to her mentor. nonetheless, she was able to be put in projects that didn't involve him or she was able to work on-site sometimes at a client.

 

after he found out her mentor had known everything -- he backed off. Her mentor is a senior manger and had a lot of influence in our department.

 

so my suggestion is, if you have a mentor or someone you trust (and has the power to help you) you should talk to them about your situation. that way if things get too out of hand, your mentor/whoever you talked to can help you sit down with HR. don't do this alone.

 

I am not looking forward to going to work tomorrow because he has a habit of coming into the kitchen when i'm making a cup of tea and then starts asking me questions. A couple of days after his apology he asked "I hope you're not still mad at me". Why couldn't he just have apologised and stayed the hell away? If I knew I had made someone uncomfortable I would be embarrassed about it and would avoid speaking with them as much as possible to avoid it happening again. Not this guy.

He will not be happy that I blanked him in the pub, like I did not make eye contact once. I could feel him staring away. He will most likely start asking again if I am still mad at him and I think I will tell him that I do not want any sort of personal relationship with him. I don't want to tell him this unless he initiates a conversation because just initiating a conversation with him will give him ideas. I am hoping I will have the oppurtunity to tell him in email/IM so I can save it and have it there if I need to show it to my supervisor. Otherwise it could be my word against his.

[Yoshi1]

 

"I have asked you numerous times to stop asking me out and to stop asking to be alone with me. Please understand that I do not want to go out with you and I cannot be your friend. All conversations between us need to be business-related only. If you cannot honor this request, I will feel obligated to report you to management because I feel harassed. Please do not put me in that position. I'm sure you're a nice person but it is imperitive that we keep our relationship on a professional level only. I'm not kidding about this so don't try to read between the lines and think there's more to what I'm saying. Also, please do not respond to this email. Thank you for your understanding."

 

In light of the fact that this guy is still staring at me, I am strongly considering sending him an email like this. Even if he starts saying "I hope you're not still mad at me" (which he did last week) again, I think I will tell him in person to cut it out and then send him an email. I spoke to my friend this evening (who was one of the people who told him to leave me alone) and she said she will back me up if needs be if I complain to my supervisor.

I am hoping to sort this out in writing (email/IM) because

1. I can save it and print it

2. It means I don't have to deal with him face to face, which would mean he stands there staring creepily at me and other people could overhear (I have no intention of asking to speak to him alone).

Do you think that, aside from the above example, I should make the first couple of lines more detailed, like "I felt very uncomfortable all the times when you persistently asked me to "go somewhere and talk alone" with you, or when you persistently asked me out for drinks/coffee, or when you keep staring at me, or when you arrived at my desk and demanded to speak to me alone and would not leave"? I feel that this would list the things he has done in writing (in case I need to show it to my supervisor). Or should I leave those things out?

 

Also, is there anyone out there that has reported someone for IM harassment? I don't have access to past messages unless I save them, as the program does not keep a user-accessible history. However our IT dept are able to locate past conversations. If I reported this guy for persistently harassing me over IM, would it be standard procedure for the IMs to be looked up? I would rather they weren't because while I was still friends with this guy (before he started acting creepy) I used to chat to him about stupid stuff on IM and I don't want my manager to see that I was using the program for non-work related conversations.

[Angel1111]

It's almost a guarantee that he's going to confront you tomorrow, so it's a good idea to have a plan. I don't recommend IMing him - send an email through your company account. It wouldn't hurt to outline the things that he has done to cause you to feel the way you do, just be sure not to make any accusing comments and to keep it totally unemotional. I would add that you could either blind copy your boss on the email, or forward a copy to him/her explaining that you sent the email and why you sent it.

 

What is your relationship like with your boss? The reason I ask is because you may just want to talk to him/her first and see what suggestions he/she might have for handling this situation. Your boss may step in and make it come to a screeching halt before you have to do anything. You should not ever feel this uncomfortable about going to the office.

 

If you don't feel comfortable with that, then just send the email and keep it. As a matter of fact, forward a copy of the email to your personal email account, also. If you get a negative reaction from the guy - like him trying to talk to you about it, or him following you around, etc - you'll need to talk to your boss at it right away.

[Yoshi1]

It's almost a guarantee that he's going to confront you tomorrow, so it's a good idea to have a plan.

 

Yes, I think he will. I avoid all eye contact with him unless I am caught off guard but when I go to the kitchen for even 2 minutes he often appears.

 

I don't recommend IMing him - send an email through your company account. It wouldn't hurt to outline the things that he has done to cause you to feel the way you do, just be sure not to make any accusing comments and to keep it totally unemotional. I would add that you could either blind copy your boss on the email, or forward a copy to him/her explaining that you sent the email and why you sent it.

 

What is your relationship like with your boss? The reason I ask is because you may just want to talk to him/her first and see what suggestions he/she might have for handling this situation. Your boss may step in and make it come to a screeching halt before you have to do anything. You should not ever feel this uncomfortable about going to the office.

 

I have a good relationship with my supervisor. A few months back someone told him that I had been unhelpful to them when they asked me to help them with their work (I was overloaded with my own stuff at the time) but he told me he did not believe it as he always finds me to be cheerful and helpful. However I do still worry that the Creep could say he was just being friendly and I reacted badly.

 

If you get a negative reaction from the guy - like him trying to talk to you about it, or him following you around, etc - you'll need to talk to your boss at it right away.

 

Yeah, I wouldn't be expecting a good reaction to this email. When I asked my friends/co workers to tell him to stop pestering me, he was at my desk 5 minutes later, in a tantrum, demanding repeatedly that I speak to him alone outside, and refusing to take no for an answer. The friend I spoke of in my post tonight witnessed this.

[Angel1111]

Yeah, I wouldn't be expecting a good reaction to this email. When I asked my friends/co workers to tell him to stop pestering me, he was at my desk 5 minutes later, in a tantrum, demanding repeatedly that I speak to him alone outside, and refusing to take no for an answer. The friend I spoke of in my post tonight witnessed this.

 

Then the other option would be to copy your boss on the email so that el creepo can see it. That should shut him down in two seconds flat.